#40 — Waluigi
Waluigi got blasted out of his fucking mind drinking cum from a jug and drove his car off a bridge. Didn’t get a DUI. Waluigi is dead.
#39 — Kamek
Kamek doesn’t drink and drive, but he has led to a net increase of DUIs simply because he once called the cops on Luigi after seeing he left Mario’s birthday party a little too drunk.
#38 — Koopa Paratroopa
CAN’T CATCH A PARATROOPA IF HE FLIES AWAY!!!! HAHA GOT YOU COPPERS!!!!!!
#37 — Honey Queen
Honey Queen doesn’t drink, but the honey does get her high. And the cops don’t need to know that, so don’t talk shit if you don’t wanna get stung.
#36 — Dry Bowser
Dry Bowser likes to make a big show of pouring liquor down his throat so everyone can see it running down his bones. It’s a big laugh at a party, because obviously he can’t actually get drunk. But they don’t know that he does it because he feels a little buzz.
#35 — Isabelle
Isabelle knows how important her job is and refuses to get drunk while working. REFUSES! But once it hits happy hour… she’s gettin loose. One time after work, Villager Boy heard her say “hell.”
#34 — Lakitu
Lakitu is a beer snob and can tell you anything about any kind of beer, but everytime people are drinking, he kinda just sips on a disgusting 12% ABV stout that tastes like poison and then pours the rest down the sink.
#33 — Lemmy Koopa
Lemmy loves rules. He loves the law. His social media presence is exclusively retweeting Wholesome Memes on Twitter. If the careful persona he has created for himself ever cracks, then yes, he will be pulled over after a televised police chase where he drives 150 mph the wrong way down the highway. But until then, he’s golden.
#32 — Mario
Mario knows he’s the face of the franchise. Hell, he’s the face of a few franchises. All of these people — from the other racers, to the sign-holders, to the bullet bills, to the people who built the tracks — rely on him for steady work. He can’t drink and drive. It would be a disaster! But the pressure is mounting… just a little drinky for Mario Mario…
#31 — Baby Daisy
Baby Daisy is admittedly smoking a lot of weed for someone so young, but it’s mostly to get the attention of her parents who spend all of their energy focusing on Baby Peach.
#30 — Gold Mario
Ah, yes, the golden boy: Gold Mario. Ooooh he’s so good, isn’t he? He’s such a good little boy — can do no wrong! Except, news flash, MOM, he actually got PULLED OVER FOR DRIVING DRUNK. Your special little boy is a CRIMINAL.
#29 — Princess Peach
Peach can’t fall asleep without edibles (which she does around 8pm each night), and if she takes an edible and then remembers she actually had to run to the store for something, she’ll just say fuck it and drive anyway. She’s fine.
#28 — Morton Koopa Jr.
Morton Koopa Jr. tries to pull the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?!” routine, but the police are always like “….Morton Koopa?” and then end up arresting him because they’re so confused.
#27 — Baby Luigi
It’s pretty unlikely that Baby Luigi is gonna get pulled over for driving while drunk, but he’s willing to admit he’s always been a little curious about what absinthe tastes like. And it’s just one glass!
#26 — Tanooki Mario
Mario is trying very hard not to get pulled over by the police on his way to the furry convention, but he admittedly is drinking just a little bit of booze out of a flask.
#25 — Cat Peach
Peach holds the wheel for a minute while Mario pees into a bottle, and oops that was the exact second they got pulled over. And yeah, she just flipped the cop off.
#24 — Bowser Jr.
Bowser Jr. got pulled over for driving erratically (he had a tall boy of malt liquor in his hand while driving), but he simply reminded the police officer who his father is and got off with a warning. He then cackled in the cop’s face before driving off directly into a tree.
#23 — Luigi
Luigi got a little too drunk at one of Mario’s birthday parties, got pulled over, and has felt a deep sense of shame for the rest of his life, even though everyone’s like, dude, you gotta chill out.
#22 — Toadette
Toadette would be pulled over for driving 15 mph in a 60 mph speed limit zone, get asked by the cop if she is “under the influence,” say “only the influence of these sweet tunes,” turn up the volume on the Taylor Swift song she is playing, and get arrested for disorderly conduct and resisting a police officer.
#21 — Baby Mario
Baby Mario would never ever ever drive drunk. He’s a very good little boy. But what he doesn’t know is that Yoshi, while taking care of him, did put a little liquor into his bottle to get him to stop crying so goddamn much.
