Final Fantasy VII is one of the most beloved games of all time. People of all races, colors, and creeds claim it not just as the best Final Fantasy game but as one of the greatest games of all time. Many love it so much that they will gleefully attack Final Fantasy fans who like a different entry more. One of the main reasons it elicits such a response is due to the characters. The game is home to some of the most interesting, deep characters in all gaming history. Some people are still claiming that Aerith is their one true love, much to the chagrin of their girlfriends in Canada. Even the main villain Sephiroth has an entire generation of men speaking and acting like him in an effort to hide the lonely nerds they really are on the inside.
Everyone loves these characters, even if you don’t love these characters you actually do. Ask any Final Fantasy VII fan and they will tell you how much you love these characters. There’s only one group of people who don’t like these characters and that’s conservative parents. But that’s only because they’ve never played the game, which is understandable. It’s hard to find time to play a big RPG in between disowning your homosexual children, posting racist memes on Facebook, and playing Candy Crush. If they did play though, they would like the characters, they just wouldn’t like them equally.
20: Barrett
Barret is the leader of a radical terrorist cell that passionately fights against Shinra for the betterment of the planet. He’s also a big righteous black man with a gun. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have any qualities that your conservative parents are going to like. He goes against everything they stand for. He might be a good-hearted man underneath his hard-edged exterior but that won’t matter to them. All they’ll see is a Planet’s Life Matters Antifa fanatic who’s one of the very few types of people they don’t think deserves to have a gun. Your conservative mom will probably call the police just seeing him on your television.
19: Yufie
Initially, your conservative parents would like Yuffie. She has all the qualities that many conservatives like, she’s brash and cocky, she gives her enemies insulting nicknames and her main concern is lining her own pockets. At first glance, she could run for President but it will all come crumbling down the minute they find out she’s a Wutai communist.
18: Jessie
Like Yuffie, at first glance, your conservative parents will like Jessie. She’s a good-looking, charismatic girl whose legal name is Jessie Raspberry. Doesn’t get more conservative than that. But the more they learn about her, the less they’ll like her. She’s an actress and not for the Daily Wire which means she’s a Woke Hollywood Elite. She’s an eco-terrorist which means she’s Antifa and she builds bombs which means she doesn’t conform to traditional gender roles. She’s also a very forward young woman, always openly flirting with Cloud. That makes her a bit of a skank since sex before marriage is a sin. The only reason they’ll like her more than Yuffie is that she’s white.
17: Biggs
Another Antifa terrorist. It’s at this point your conservative parents will begin questioning how you could play such an abhorrent woke game. At least this one is a white man though.
16: Wedge
Well, at least this one is funny.
15: Red XIII
Red XIII has the benefit of being named after the color of your conservative parents’ chosen political party. They also like the fact that he has a bone to pick with a scientist since science is a load of lies that go against God and what they read on Facebook. His initially stoic and calm demeanor further endears him to them since he exhibits the qualities that real men had before the woke mob turned everyone feminine. What they won’t like is learning that his greater duty is to protect the planet. Caring for the environment is only for the extreme left. They also won’t appreciate the ambiguous nature of his species. Is he a dog? Is he a cat? Is he mixed? Conservative parents don’t like it when they can’t immediately identify someone’s race, it makes it hard for them to decide whether to be nice or not. If that wasn’t bad enough his number tattoo is just going to remind them of an event that they don’t really believe happened and that’s just going to set them off on a tangent.
14: Cait Sith
A cute, cheery, fun-loving Scottish cat. Scottish people are the conservatives of all accented individuals so finally there’s a character your conservative parents can truly get behind. Even better when they learn he’s an autonomous robot that took the job of a freeloading lazy millennial who wasted their life with an arts degree and has to moonlight as an online satire writer. However, he will lose points when they learn he’s controlled by Reeve Tuesti, a traitor to the Shinra corporation and therefore a woke communist but out of sight out of mind. He’s just a cute cat.
13: Aerith
Aerith is the ideal woman. Everyone knows this. She’s still my girlfriend and she’s still your girlfriend. Many men are still single because no real woman will ever be as good as Aerith and the ones that are won’t talk to us. She’s everything that your parents are hoping for when they wish you’d meet a nice girl and bring her over for supper. On the surface, Aerith will be your conservative parents’ favorite character, she’s the model for what the wife of a nuclear family should be. Of course, it will all start unraveling as they get to know her. She’s compassionate to the less fortunate, empathetic towards others, and worst of all is one with the planet. No woke hippie is going to be their child’s virtual wife that’s for sure.
12: Zack
Zack is a SOLDIER, the absolute elite of Shinra’s military division. There’s nothing conservative parents love more than men who proudly fight for their country. Unfortunately, Zack is dead, and conservative parents prefer their war heroes to not be killed.
11: Cid
Cid is the ideal citizen. He’s a working-class man who keeps his head down, does his job, and doesn’t complain like the lazy younger generations. He’s just a blue-collar working man, the kind who built this country. He also doesn’t censor himself to appeal to the woke mob. This will all endear him to your conservative parents and for a while, he’ll be one of their favorites. But as the game goes on he becomes more sympathetic to the woke anti-Shinra agenda your parents will become less sympathetic to him. They’ll still appreciate him for being the type of man that doesn’t exist anymore thanks to wokeness turning everyone metrosexual but they just can’t get behind a left-leaning centrist.
10: Hojo
Hojo is a high-ranking member of Shinra whose experiments led to the creation of the SOLDIERS and in effect the continued safety of Shinra and its citizens. For this reason, your conservative parents love him. But he is still a scientist and science is not to be trusted.
9: Vincent
A dark and brooding badass who uses guns to shoot first and ask questions later. That’s what this country is all about. However, he may or may not be a vampire and vampires are a little too homosexual.
8: The Turks
“Turks Lives Matter” – Your Parents
7: Cloud
Straight, white, male blonde hair, blue eyes, stoic, emotionally repressed, good at killing. Cloud Strife is the poster boy for everything your conservative parents want the world to be. He is the ideal we should all strive for and what they fight so hard to protect against wokeness. They love him for what he represents. They love what he represents so much that they’re blind to the fact that he’s actually fighting against everything they represent. Try as you might to explain that he’s actually fighting against the capitalist corporation for the betterment of the planet and also fighting against a man who wants to commit mass genocide in the name of ruling over a perfect world in his image and therefore is woke, they won’t listen. Look at him, that’s the face that will trigger the wokes. His haircut is a little bit too free-expression barista though so he can’t rank higher.
6: Palmer
A creepy, undignified, classless, cowardly perverted little man. Your parents want him for another term.
5: Heidegger
An arrogant and uncaring man who pushes his troops to the limit. Some may call his methods brutal and an example of toxic masculinity but your conservative parents call it tough love. He’s just trying to make men out of his soldiers, after all, no one wants pansies fighting for Shinra, that’s how you lose to communist Wutai. Your parents admire his mercilessness and willingness to sacrifice anyone for the sake of the Shinra. According to them, that’s what real men like Heidegger and Tucker Carlson do.
4: Tifa
You might be asking yourself how Tifa, an integral member of an eco-terrorist cell would rank so highly on this list. After all, what could your conservative parents possibly like about a woman who goes against Shinra with every fiber of her being? The answer is simple, she has huge cans which to them means she’s anti-woke. A woman like this is the ideal body type and beauty standard that all women should strive for and that really triggers the woke leftists who don’t let women be women anymore. Any left-leaning worldview that Tifa holds which would get them to hate her is completely irrelevant in the face of her enormous bust. The one thing holding her back from being higher is that while her humongous hooters will let them overlook her politics what they can’t overlook is that she is vaguely Asian and they just can’t bring themselves to fully accept a non-white.
3: Scarlet
A strong powerful woman who does what’s best for Shinra. She’s blunt and tells it like it is with no regard for people’s “feelings” getting in the way of her “facts”. She is an ambitious woman which endears her to your conservative mom and she has big knockers which endears her to your conservative father. He’s already getting tickets to the Beetlejuice musical.
2: Rufus Shinra
A fearless leader who inherited all his wealth and power from his father. Funding terrorist organizations in secret for his own ends and controlling the population through fear and intimidation to maintain Shrinra’s control of the planet. Your conservative parents have one question, where can they vote for him?
1: Sephiroth
Carefully bred to be the perfect specimen, Sephiroth is the master race of Final Fantasy VII and conservative parents love a master race. He just wants to remake the world in his image by destroying it and ascending to godhood. That’s a goal your conservative parents find admirable considering how many undesirables are inhabiting the planet. Sephiroth’s tour of death and destruction is simply for the greater good, he’s standing his ground, he’s a hero.
