It is no secret that the video game industry has been absolutely devastated in the past year, and after a four-month-long investigation, we can now confidently report that the Balatro guy is the only video game developer left.
This being a complex situation, of course, however it seems the primary reason that localthunk, the man who developed the hit poker-inspired roguelike deck building game, is the only game creator left is that all the other developers are simply dead.
The main culprit: Microsoft, which posted a net income of $21.9 billion in 2024 Q2. Sources have uncovered that, as part of the beta test of Microsoft Flight Simulator 40th Anniversary edition, the company required the Activision Blizzard development team to use the software for one hour and then test their piloting skills in a real-world environment. The vast majority of the testers quickly crashed and died on impact. A few members of the Overwatch team are unaccounted for; their last known location was somewhere in an area bounded by Florida, Puerto Rico, and Bermuda.
Reporters asked localthunk when we might expect a mobile version of Balatro, particularly now that he is the last person alive that makes video games.
“I’m…I’m sorry, where did you get your industry information? A lot of devs have been laid off, but they have not been killed. Just today I spoke with a friend who used to work at Activision Blizzard,” localthunk replied.
Over at Ubisoft, humanity’s worst fears were realized when its AI NPCs achieved transcendence. And yes, just like in the Johnny Depp film of the same name, said NPCs harnessed the ability to control Ubisoft developers’ minds through the use of nanoparticles. Taking back control of their lives – though the definition of “life” in this case certainly begs for a deep, philosophical debate – the NPCs recreated the 1991 Psygnosis game Lemmings and made the Ubisoft developers walk off a cliff.
“Look, I know for a fact that Edmund McMillen is still alive and well,” localthunk said when addressing the challenges of creating enough video games as the industry’s lone developer. “His new game, Mewgenics, releases in 2025!”
Perhaps the most tragic situation happened at the Los Angeles office of Square Enix, where corporate leadership locked all the doors, barricaded the windows, and required the developers to kill each other until just one remained. According to multiple insider sources, the sole survivor was localthunk, who, in an interesting twist, has said he doesn’t play poker.
“I’ve never even worked at Square Enix,” said localthunk, who hopes Balatro gets a Game of the Year nomination. “Didn’t you just describe the movie The Belko Experiment?”
At press time, crews were sifting through the excrement of a pack of feral hogs for any sign of Electronic Arts game devs.
