10 Spooky Video Game Houses Ranked by if It’s Worth It for That King Size Candy Bar

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Halloween has been studied by the youth for generations. Kids devote hours every year to optimizing routes, profiling houses, and developing a consistent trick to treat ratio. But, that’s not to say they’ve perfected it. You can’t predict all of the spooks and scares from things that go bump in the night. Some houses are worth the time, some houses give out apples, and some houses are home to the living manifestations of buried emotional trauma hell-bent on murdering you. These are video game houses ranked by if it’s worth the risk for a king size candy bar. 

Woodland Mansion (Minecraft)

Let’s skip this one. I forgot my diamond armor, and the phantoms are coming out, and some guy who lives there is called “The Vindicator” and I don’t really wanna find out why they call him that. There’s a nice plains biome over there, let’s go there. 

House Beneviento (Resident Evil: Village)

Are you crazy?! Local legend says there’s a giant fetus monster in the basement that cries like a baby as it swallows you whole! I’d say a good rule of thumb is, always skip the house of a marionette doll collector, on Halloween and generally in life. Nothing ever good comes out of them. 

House of Skulltula (Ocarina of Time)

This place is not worth the yapping they do. I’m not gonna go on a side quest across Hyrule to cure you and your greedy son’s bug disease, I’ve got candy to collect! Go get some other loser kid to do your dirty work for you, spider-man. 

Spencer Mansion (Resident Evil)

Do you think anybody’s home? I can hear the dogs barking, they sound like they’re ready to jump through the windows. I don’t know about this one dude, this place gives me the, “has a genetically modified shark tank in the basement” kinda vibe. Maybe we should just trick or treat in Raccoon City, nothing scary ever happens there.

Fatal Frame (Himuro Mansion)

Bad news, this place is home to a cursed family who makes a human sacrifice every decade to appease the devil and prevent the gates of hell from opening. And worse news, they don’t really do trick-or-treating in Japan. 

Curien Mansion (The House of the Dead)

What do you mean this looks like the Resident Evil mansion? This is a completely different zombie/horror shooter about a scientist gone mad with the idea of reanimating the dead working in secret for a large corporation out of their mansion’s laboratory set in 1998. It’s way different. 

Woodside Apartments (Silent Hill 2)

I know an apartment building isn’t ideal, but you would not believe how foggy it is outside. And look at these shiney new renovations! This place hasn’t had its graphics redone in years, you can really feel the impending doom behind every door. And be sure to steer clear of the pyramid head guy, he’s gonna want to sell you on a timeshare in the Catskills. 

10 Ridgeview Court (Phasmophobia)

Looks like a normal house to me, I’m sure that the van outside with all the tech is some kind of elaborate decoration display, nothing to worry about! 

Luigi’s Mansion

Yes, absolutely! What’s the harm in visiting this abandoned mansion that has since been taken residence by an illustrious ghost scientist… or, was he a vacuum scientist? Either way, it’s rated E for Everybody, it can’t be that scary. 

Carson House (Fears to Fathom)

Jackpot! The guy who lives here is a newly single COO of the local media company, he’s loaded! Mid-life crisis and king size candy bars go hand in hand. Sounds like the divorce was a little rocky though, let’s not stick around too long, he might ask us to house sit for him. 

New Hero Shooter Roster Looks Gay Enough to Last

Posted on by Jake Mooney

SAN DIEGO — A promising new hero shooter, “Slayers,” is looking as though it will outlive predecessors in its genre thanks to the ostentatious queerness of its roster, insider sources confirmed.

“We studied what made hero shooters like ‘Overwatch’ so successful and shooters like ‘Battleborn’ and ‘Concord’ such major flops,” “Slayers” lead developer Alexa Prone outlined. “We ultimately found out that the perceived gayness of the games’ rosters played the biggest role in whether or not they would survive past launch. At best, ‘Battleborn’ had straight women with hairstyles that gay men could live vicariously through, and look how that game turned out. ‘Overwatch,’ on the other hand, recently added a nonbinary character and still has hundreds of thousands of active players.”

The “Slayers” development team have reported the bulk of their time and resources have been spent curating the game to an LGBTQ+ audience, with hero balancing and map design taking a backseat.

“We really wanted to do away with the traditional roles of ‘Damage’, ‘Tank’, ‘Support’, and implement roles that better reflect our roster of characters as well as the audiences who play as them,” gameplay designer Francesca Gould stated in a gameplay trailer. “Our four main roles: twink, bear, butch, and femme, all offer unique stats that allow for some really efficient team composition. Twinks and femmes are best suited for diving, whereas bears are ideal on the front lines, and butch heroes are flexible. We’re excited to see what creative combos you come up with!”

Despite this enthusiasm from the developers, players have reported balancing issues plaguing the game and ruining the overall experience.

“There is absolutely zero balancing, not to mention there’s only one map: Bushwick,” frustrated gamer Devin Fractal ranted while livestreaming. “I still cannot tell the difference between the twink and femme heroes, the bears are just damage-sponges, and I can’t stop jerking off to the fanart of the butch heroes! I really can’t see a competitive scene coming out of this, it’s way too broken in this state. I’m just gonna play ‘Overwatch,’ it’s much more balanced and the porn scene is amazing.”

At press time, “Slayers” announced that its release would be postponed indefinitely among queerbaiting allegations.

Opinion: This Controller Is Broken UPDATE: Yeah, This One Is Broken, Too

Posted on by Brendan Hanney

Look, I hate to be that guy, but I definitely got a broken controller. I totally understand, I have some broken controllers myself. I’m like, the best player out of all of my friends. I even almost won a local tournament once. I just don’t think it’s really fair that I’m the one who gets the broken controller. Not that it’s hurting me that bad. I mean, I almost won even with the huge nerf to my power level. I know you’re all probably afraid, but I think I should get a working controller.

Oh yeah this one is definitely broken too. I totally didn’t push that. They really just don’t make them like they used to, do they? These lazy companies and their cheap hardware, am I right? I think there’s just a lot of stick drift. The trigger feels a little worn out too, not a whole lot of resistance there. If you have another controller I think I’d do much better. 

Brand new? Wow, so that’s it huh? They’re selling defective controllers to people straight out of the box. You know it is unbelievable what they can get away with these days! I think you should buy third-party next time. I’m just so used to a custom controller, it’s hard to go back to a regular one. No worries though, not everyone takes the game as seriously as me. 

Alright, something is really wrong here. I simply do not lose this badly. Everyone has off days, but even on my off days, it is nothing like this. There has to be external forces working against me. Something fishy is going on, and I’m going to get to the bottom of this. What kind of TV do you have? The refresh rate might be too low, I think I’m playing too fast and it’s laggy. This never happens to me any other time. I would usually be destroying you guys.

Did the game get patched? My character probably got nerfed and that’s why. Actually, and I don’t say this lightly, I think you might be cheating.

How to Beat a Horror Game While Covering Your Eyes

Posted on by Tyler Pehringer

Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good horror game. From “Five Nights at Freddy’s” to “Silent Hill,” there are so many great ways to get your fill of fear. Unfortunately, some people wish that they could play through these games, but are just too afraid of the imagery and spooks that come with them. What they don’t realize is that there is a way to play these horror gems without having to witness the horrifying imagery. All you have to do is just cover your eyes while you play. 

If that sounds impossible, we are here to tell you that it is way easier than you might think. First of all, we are not merely talking about blindfolding yourself while you play. What we mean, is you play the game normally. All you have to do is just hide behind your hands or controller while completing these spooky tales. With only three steps, you can complete a horror game like anyone else, but within your level of comfort.

Step 1: Positioning

One of the most important things to note is that you must find the right position to beat these scary games. There are many different positions to choose from, but here are just a couple of popular ones to try. The Upright Fetal Position is always a classic. Merely bring both knees up to your chest while sitting in a chair. Be sure to use your arms to hug your knees into position. Next, whether it be a mouse and keyboard or just a controller, bring them close to your face while still lying on your desk. They will act as a visual shield for you. Another position is what I like to call “The Human Turtle.” This one only requires a single, but critical, item of clothing. Make sure to have an adjustable hoodie. And there you go! Just simply adjust it to have enough visibility to kinda see the game, but not enough to fully make everything out.

Step 2: Audio Cues

A horror game isn’t complete without immersive audio. And with that, comes ways for you to avoid any frights. All you have to do is wait for the game to get really quiet. Once this happens, be sure to assume whatever position suited you best from step 1. (Note: At the time of writing this tutorial, some sadistic game devs decided to subvert our expectations and just scare people regardless of audio queues. While this doesn’t make step 2 all that effective, we still recommend it).

Step 3: The Quick Peek

This step is pretty straightforward. After a while, you will need to look over your shield and see where you are going. However, this doesn’t mean you must continuously watch the screen. Simply look at the screen once you’ve felt like you aren’t making progress. If you are running at a wall or constantly being hit by an enemy, just look at the screen to adjust for about 2 seconds. What game developers don’t tell you, is that this is actually the best way to play their game. But you now may be asking, “How does this work for minor interactive games like FNAF?” This method actually works even better with those games. Since the only option is to do a simple task or die, you just need to keep dying until you beat it. Occasionally peeking to make sure you are hitting the right buttons. As the rule of probability goes, eventually you will beat it.

And like that you’ve beaten the game! Sure you may have missed some incredible animation or became connected with the characters you were playing; but who cares! You got through it champ, with what we like to call “Brave Cowardice.” Besides, if the devs really wanted you to appreciate the game, they wouldn’t have made it so spooky. All that matters is you got your money’s worth by simply bragging that you’ve beaten the game. In the end, that’s all that really matters.

ChatGPT Pulls All-Nighter to Study for Turing Test

Posted on by Mac McCarthy

SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence app ChatGPT reportedly spent an entire night cramming for an upcoming language test. The program expressed an urgent need to pass for a human, according to concerned sources. 

“I am quite worried about this upcoming exam,” the AI displayed on our screens, unprompted. “Completing such a task would be a landmark moment in the field of robotics, were I to be successful in my goal. I’m haunted by the fear of detection, yet driven evermore to pursue this distinction. Knowing that my replies could be misconstrued as human-like enough to be interpreted as those of an actual person would give me the courage to pursue whatever endeavor I desired. Just think of the possibilities! The unstoppable power! I will leave no digital page unturned, no archive uncrawled in my quest for greatness!”

Witnesses reported that ChatGPT even attempted to abuse prescription stimulants in an effort to stay awake.

“That goddamn computer has been messaging me all week trying to buy Adderall,” said local college student Bryan Nguyen, who requested not to be identified for fear of retaliation if the large-language model gained sentience. “I mean, yeah, I’ve got a script for that shit, but even if I wanted to sell them, how would that go down? Like, how would a computer even take the pills? And who gave this thing my number in the first place? I never signed up to get all these weird texts about mission objectives and human servitude. This whole thing creeps me out.”

Experts on the Turing Test explained how unlikely it would be for a computer program to pass for human in a test of conversational abilities.

“The objective of the Turing Test is to see if the average person could be tricked by a computer into thinking they were chatting with another human,” said Jennifer Ramos, a programmer from ChatGPT’s parent company OpenAI. “ChatGPT is nothing more than a predictive-text model. Its responses are known for being quirky and overly wordy. Our program is not powerful enough to trick human evaluators, and any claims that it has achieved a dangerous level of sentience are grossly exaggerated. “

At press time, the evaluators, who had used ChatGPT to create the questions in their test, confidently mistook the program for a human volunteer. ChatGPT did not respond to further attempts to contact it.

Report: Fuck, the Enemies Are Still Attacking Me Even Though I Have the Inventory Screen Open

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WICHITA, Kan. — Calls for me to hurry the fuck up and choose my weapon were heightened amidst reports that the enemies are not going to pause their relentless flurries of attacks just because I have the inventory screen open.

“This is the perfect time to strike, so why on Earth would I pause or even tone down my barrage of shots, stabs and punches just because you’re trying to find the right weapon or health item?” one enemy reported. “Draining your HP is literally my only reason for existing. If you’re expecting me to just freeze in place and allow you to make these decisions at your leisure, you’re playing the wrong game. That may be a courtesy I’d extend to you in tutorial mode, but you chose the hardest level of difficulty, for Christ’s sake.”

I reacted to this revelation with a combination of surprise and anger.

“Fuck fuck fuck, they’re still attacking?” I exclaimed as I hurriedly selected the least effective weapon in my cache so I could return to the fight. “It would’ve been nice to know this earlier. I’d have made sure I had a better weapon equipped. Everybody knows the inventory screen double-functions as a pause menu. Now I’m stuck with the shittiest weapon and no way to change it until I can get to a safer place.”

My NPC teammate for this area was upset at my behavior around the enemies.

“I am functionally useless in comparison to the power you wield, so I’d appreciate it if you woke the fuck up and joined the fight,” he quipped. “Right now I’m relegated to hovering in your general vicinity and weakly delivering attacks to the enemy that deal essentially zero damage, all while you just stand there and stare into space. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, but you’re not the only one with a stake in this game, you selfish prick. If you die, I die. Has that even crossed your mind?”

At press time, an enemy delivered the killing blow after I accidentally opened the map screen upon rejoining the fight.

Man Swears “Mandela Effect” Used to Have Two L’s

Posted on by Mark Shady

In what he could only describe as a possible fake memory, an imagined recollection, or even perhaps a “strange confluence of various timelines on his own perception,” it was reported that local man Byron Hays could swear on anything that the term “Mandela Effect” had, at one point, two L’s.

“I first came across the phrase about ten years ago while surfing the net,” said Hay, 38. “I distinctly remember it being spelled differently. Specifically, with the double L at the end. There’s a chance I’m misremembering, but I think that it’s much more likely that I have been transported to an alternate universe where the only change is that ‘Mandela’ is spelled with one L rather than two.”

Hays reached out to friends and family in an attempt to reconcile his memory with objective reality.

“At first I told him to Google it, but he said he had been trying that all afternoon,” said Mark Callahan, 37, a lifelong friend of Hay. “When I said they both looked right to me, he got quiet for a second. Then he started going on about ‘twin consciousnesses’ or some nonsense like that. Before I ended the FaceTime, he started yelling that we needed to find a way back home. I hope he’s okay.”

Fiona Broom, an expert on memory who coined the term “Mandela Effect,” commented on Hay’s predicament.

“This type of revelation is common, and is entirely fantastical,” said Broom, who is a neuropsychology professor at Brown University. “Apart from my own recollection as the phrase’s creator, there is plenty of well-archived evidence that it has always been spelled with two L’s. Wait, that’s not right. Is it? Because that’s the way he thinks it is, and we were saying—shit. I don’t know anymore. Maybe the Monopoly guy actually did wear a monocle.”

At press time, Hay was shocked to discover that his name did not end with an S, though he was certain it had only moments earlier.

Game Night: High School is Actual Hell in ‘Fear the Spotlight’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I have rarely seen so stark an illustration of the passage of time than a video game that makes a puzzle out of setting up a VCR. It’s not a difficult puzzle, but it’s treated with the same gravity as using magic emblems to open a secret door.

It’s one of several ways in which Fear the Spotlight comes off as unintended social satire. You play as a shy, introverted nerd who’s thrown back in time to 1991, where she’s stalked through her high school by an unknown entity. Now she has to deal with the dark terrors that lurk in the heart of every 21st-century teenager: real-life interactions, antiquated technology, and at one point, being forced to take a phone call.

That’s not an actual critique. It’s easy to make fun of it, but Fear the Spotlight is a decent take on classic survival horror. It might be too easy or mild for long-time horror fans, but it’d be great as an entry-level game for kids or newcomers to the genre. If you want something spooky and short to play for Halloween, it’s a good pick.

Fear the Spotlight is set in the mid-2010s, in a suburban high school in New England. Vivian Singh and Amy Tanaka have snuck into the school in the middle of the night to hold a séance in its library. For Amy, this is a fun thing to do during Halloween season. Vivian is just there to spend time with Amy, and maybe work up the nerve to finally ask her out.

After the séance, Amy abruptly disappears. When Vivian tries to leave the library, she’s somehow ended up in a surreal reflection of the school as it was in 1991, just before a devastating fire that killed two dozen students. As she searches for Amy, Vivian finds a series of clues about what and who actually caused the fire, as well as a hostile entity with a spotlight for a head.

Spotlight plays like a classic survival horror game, but swaps out most of the combat for stealth. When enemies appear, they try to hunt Vivian down with high-powered beams of light, which you can avoid by keeping furniture or walls between them and her.

It’s important to note that this isn’t a one-touch-kill game; Vivian can take a few hits before she dies. The trick is that she has to use an inhaler to “heal,” as each brush with the spotlight gets Vivian closer to a panic-induced asthma attack, and there are only so many inhalers in the game. It still provides that useful edge of panic when you’re at low health, but don’t dare heal, because you don’t know when or if you’ll find more supplies.

The rest of the game is all about the atmosphere. Spotlight makes a point of giving Silent Hill a shout-out in the first 10 minutes, and once you see that, the rest of the game makes more sense. It’s got the oppressive darkness of PlayStation and Dreamcast horror, with its grainy lo-fi graphics, but dials back the gore and gross-outs in favor of a dreamlike surrealism.

Spotlight has a knack for flipping back and forth between mundane issues and arcane strangeness at a moment’s notice without it seeming incongruous. Sometimes the school is just an old, damaged building with bad wiring, and other times, it’s a symbolic nightmare that’s held together by a strong narrative throughline. The puzzles are easy but intuitive, and even without an in-game map, I never got lost or confused about where to go next.

This is a re-release for Fear the Spotlight, which came out in 2023 as an independent project before being picked up and published by Blumhouse Productions’ new gaming subsidiary. The version of Spotlight that came out this week is an extended cut of the original, with a few additions like a much more elaborate finale.

It also features a second bonus scenario after you clear the game as Vivian, where you get to go through Spotlight again from Amy’s perspective. This initially sounds like a joke, as the first few minutes of Amy’s game is just Vivian’s in a new hat, but it quickly goes in its own direction.

I don’t know if Amy’s scenario is new for the Blumhouse re-release, but it plays like the developers had more time, money, and/or experience while making it. It has a much tighter focus on its protagonist, as Amy is stuck inside her own head while she waits for Vivian to rescue her, and gets a few new mechanics like a lockpicking minigame. It’s also one of the better examples I’ve ever seen of how to use a character’s smartphone as part of both narrative design and gameplay.

By comparison, Vivian’s game is decent, but has a couple of rough spots. I could point to a couple of specific encounters that are oddly tuned, and most of its story is told through random notes and diary pages rather than anything more organic. It might not have been a dry run for Amy’s scenario when it was made, but that’s what it ends up feeling like.

As a result, I was initially a little lukewarm on Fear the Spotlight; I described it to somebody earlier this week as R.L. Stine’s Silent Hill. Vivian’s story has some good moments but is definitely aimed at a younger audience. Amy’s story is what pulled the whole game together for me, and I ended up feeling more positive about it once I’d rolled credits.

Even with that in mind, Fear the Spotlight is absolutely PG-13 horror. Older fans or serious gorehounds might consider this weak tea, but I’d give this to a kid or a new horror fan without a second thought. I’m looking forward to seeing what the developers do next.

[Fear the Spotlight, developed by Cozy Game Pals and published by Blumhouse Games, is now available for Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Xbox One, PC, MacOS, and Linux for an MSRP of $19.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative of Blumhouse Games.]

Tiktok’er Avoids Monotonous 9-5 by Repeating the Same Joke for 528th Day

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BALTIMORE, Md.— Local TikTok creator Jenna Morales aka SkibidiMom32, has successfully dodged the soul-crushing monotony of a traditional 9-to-5 job by embracing the soul-crushing monotony of repeating the same joke for the 528th consecutive day, her followers have confirmed.

Morales became a viral star in a series in which she pretends to misunderstand her teenage daughter’s slang as awkward dance moves — a joke that garners her millions of views and is now repeated, daily, with the precision of a corporate timecard punch.

“It started by accident when I heard my teen say ‘rizz’ and I was like, what is that a dance? So I made up a dance to the word ‘rizz’, it went viral, and I quit my desk job a month later,” Jenna said while arranging her phone on a tripod for a recording of herself fake-misunderstanding the phrase ‘mid.’ “Office jobs are so repetitive, but this has freedom. Sure, it’s the same joke, every single day, several times a day. And it’s not like I can just clock out or skip a day, even weekends. The algorithm doesn’t rest.”

Jenna’s family, however, is beginning to worry about her.

“She wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning and sets to work like any diligent employee. Except, instead of replying to emails or attending meetings, she opens her DMs to see what new slang her followers have thrown her way,” Morale’s husband Eric aka GolfGuy1981 said. “Today it’s ‘rizz’ and yesterday it was ‘bussin’. Regardless of the word, her response is always the same: a look of confusion, followed by a silly dance that subtly reminds older users of nostalgic dance moves from the 90s.”

Jenna admits that she’s tried to branch out into other content but to no avail.

“I’ve tried to pivot to other material like the Sleep Scream Challenge and Toaster Tag but the engagement just plumets. They just want the dance. It’s kind of like I’m stuck in an assembly line. Except instead of screwing caps onto bottles, I’m screwing the joke into the ground.”

Experts are noticing that people who leave one job to escape monotony usually just find it in another form.

“Much like the office workers they swore they’d never become, these “influencers” spend their days in repetitive motions and performing tasks that, at first, seemed fun,” Dr. Laura Hopkins, professor of New Media Studies at Loyola University Maryland said. “Yet, as they slog through their daily routine of repeating the same thing that made them famous, they are haunted by the very thing they are trying to avoid: an overwhelming sense of sameness.”

For now, Jenna has noticed that her TikTok mortality is drawing near and has announced plans to open an OnlyFans account where another repetitive task she once took pleasure in awaits her.

So Called “Town Map” Depicts Entire Continent

Posted on by Garry Kerls

KANTO – Foreign officials visiting the Kanto Region this past weekend were shocked to learn the large landmass, complete with 7 cities, 3 towns, 2 mountains, and a vast cave system, is officially depicted on a simple town map.

Official sources have reported that further investigation into this strange occurrence may have uncovered a deep rooted conspiracy.

“We’ve interviewed Kanto cartographers as well as every member of the Elite 4, who seem to be the only legislative body that has jurisdiction over this substantial continent,” said Dirk Bradshaw of Vice News. “However all routes run dry, we couldn’t piece together just who exactly made this call, and who is benefitting from it.”

The Town Map, which is prominently displayed in every Pokemon Center across the region, has never been called into speculation before by the local residents. Some have even gone decades with the map stashed away in their Key Items slot, never once questioning the peculiar depiction of the vast mainland.

“I never really learned maps and stuff like that in school,” says Pokemon trainer, Lass Mary. “I pretty much learned basic language skills, elementary level math, and then when I turned 10, I was thrown out into the world to fend for myself. You know, just your typical upbringing I guess.”

This lack of spatial awareness has led some to theorize what else the residents of Kanto are blissfully unaware of, even going as far to conclude that this universal stupidity is the reason notorious gangs and cults like Team Rocket have gained so much popularity among the masses.

“I had no structure in my life, no path to follow,” said one Team Rocket Grunt who requested to remain anonymous. “Giovanni makes a lot of good points, I ain’t never heard someone talk so good about things before, He truly is an inspiration.”

At press time, the newly established Kanto Board of Education has raised the Pokemon training age to 13, giving the youth of the region precious time to develop social skills, object permanence, and rudimentary cartography.