All Assassin’s Creed Games Rated by Historical Accuracy

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

For months, the dredges of the internet have taken to Twitter to decry the Assassin’s Creed franchise. No, they don’t have genuine criticisms toward its infuriating microtransactions or Ubisoft’s management’s treatment of its staff. They’re upset that there’s a black character in the latest game.

Now sure, the anti-woke crowd breaks down into fits of crying if their toast comes up too brown, but I’ve decided to do my journalistic due diligence. It’s finally time for someone to dive into this franchise and question just how accurate it is to the history of our world.

Spoilers for Assassin’s Creed follow.

Assassin’s Creed

The game that started it all. We kick off the franchise with Altair, master assassin, who screws up so badly he gets booted down to the minor leagues. His only shot at redemption? Mass murder.

Oh, and Nolan North is here, playing some edgy guy who is reliving his ancestor’s memories?

In terms of depiction of the period, solid stuff. However, it’s unbelievable that Altair, a C-Suite employee, would be punished and demoted for a cock-up that got innocent people killed, so I shall be deducting points.

RATING: 7/10

Assassin’s Creed: Altair’s Chronicles

Known colloquially as “Assassin’s Creed at home”. We once again follow beloved protagonist Altaïr as he faces off against Lord Basilisk in a race against time to find a dangerously powerful artefact: the Chalice. Spoiler alert, the chalice turns out to be a woman. A literal trophy wife. Mad points to the devs for the blatant yet historically accurate sexism.

The pixelated quality also provides a much more accurate depiction of what the past actually looked like (providing you can ignore that everything isn’t black and white).

RATING: 7.5/10

Assassin’s Creed II

The unexpected sequel to the Assassin’s Creed: Lineage series, Assassin’s Creed II throws us into the shoes of Ezio Auditore da Firenze in his quest to slay all the evil rich people who killed his good rich people family.

What else can be said about this brilliant work of historical fact? Leonardo da Vinci’s side hustle as an arms manufacturer, the holographic projectors beneath the Papal Palace (look it up, it’s real), the magical, world-ending fruit, and of course, heavyweight boxing champion Pope Alexander VI.

Raging Bull, eat your heart out. Finally, a game delivers on its promise of accurate historical representation, and allows me to fulfil my lifelong fantasy of beating up a pope in a fistfight.

RATING: 9/10

Assassin’s Creed: Bloodlines

Bloodlines presents several unfortunate inconsistencies with reality. The intro cutscene depicts Altaïr (he’s back, baby) killing a man instantly by stabbing him in the shoulder. Several seconds later, Altaïr reveals the ability to utilize his fellow human like a springboard to ascend several metres into the air. Cool as hell, sure, but when I tried doing it the only things that ascended were lawsuits against me.

RATING: 4/10

Assassin’s Creed II: Discovery

What do you mean this title wasn’t released for the GameBoy Advance?

Discovery sees us resume the role of Ezio Auditore da Firenze, specifically between Sequences 12 and 13 of Assassin’s Creed II. Yes, you need to play this DS title in order to achieve a full understanding of ACII. In a romp across Italy and Spain, Ezio protects future colonizer Christopher Columbus and spares the life of Spanish Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada (to quote Brennan Lee Mulligan: “one of history’s greatest villains”).

Unfortunately, Discovery suffers from many glaring flaws. For one, three-dimensional space has been a constant since the Greeks discovered we didn’t need to walk around like it was Paper Mario. Discovery only makes use of two-and-a-half dimensions. In addition, Discovery also allowed players to snap pictures of themselves and place them on in-game wanted posters. I haven’t been caught for any of my crimes yet, and thus deem this unacceptably inaccurate.

RATING: 2.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood

Also known as Assassin’s Creed II 2.

Ezio returns once more, freshly bloodied from his title match against the Pope, in order to train people in the noble ways of contract killings and defeat Cesare Borgia, Lord of Incest.

As much as I love it, the game does have some glaring faults. For one, the game is called Brotherhood and yet Ezio’s brothers all got yeeted in the previous game. As we’ll also see in the next entry, there’s a massive anachronistic fault that cannot go unpunished. Finally, Ezio gets shot so hard in the game’s opening sequence, he loses his abilities, armor, and cash. Samus Aran wouldn’t be born for a few thousand years, so I’m deducting points for using her trademark this early.

RATING: 5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Project Legacy

You know a game is hard to track down when the YouTube Channel Assassin’s Creed Series doesn’t have footage of it. Project Legacy was a Facebook game that integrated with Brotherhood, allowing Ezio to order assassins and purchase property while out on the town. The game was removed from Facebook after known Templar Mark Zuckerberg accused it of “violating the terms of service”.

Unfortunately, Facebook would not bring about the downfall of civilization for another five-hundred years. And while Ezio might have had access to reality-warping fruit and holographic projections of MILFs, he certainly didn’t have any 4G in Rome.

RATING: 1.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Revelations

The final game in Ezio’s storyline. Totally. We never see him again after this.

Assassin’s Creed II 3 sees Ezio on the trail of Altair, seeking to recover ancient doctor-repelling technology. All while Nolan North continues to be an edgy boy in the present day.

So what’s the issue with Revelations? The complete unbelievability of its ending. Ezio leaving behind the ultimate power, rather than use it for his own selfish benefit? Maybe in the fantastical land of video games, but here in real life we stab our morales and drag them into the nearest haybale.

RATING: 1.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Multiplayer Rearmed

An Adobe Flash lookalike that somehow escaped the hells of Miniclip, Multiplayer Rearmed asks the age-old question of “What do we do with all these leftover assets from DND night?” The answer is to create the greatest multiplayer game ever conceived. And by greatest, I mean the most barebones version of AC’s multiplayer that you can find.

Multiplayer Rearmed presents several historical anachronisms. For one, the game is presented entirely from a birds-eye’s camera angle. Second is the fact that the map is filled with copies of the same four characters. Finally, and most shockingly, there must be at least two players in a match, else it ends early. Very disappointing for us introverts who die in the presence of others.

RATING: 3/10

Assassin’s Creed: Recollection

Assassin’s Creed recollection was, as you might have guessed, an all-in-one game comprised of previous titles in the fr-

It’s not?

It’s actually a mix of a card game, art gallery, and app-store? And also happens to contain the ending of Ezio’s story?

In terms of historical accuracy, Recollection definitely suffers. The idea that the Assassins and Templars would settle their differences over what basically amounts to Yu-Gi-Oh is hilarious, but I’m pretty sure Ezio would just reach over the table and stab his opponent while he picked up his opening hand.

Part of me also wants to call out the fact that Abstergo employees seeking to unlock the lost memories of assassin ancestors would need to purchase microtransactions to pull the cards to do it. However, this is absolutely a business practice Abstergo Industries would implement if they existed in real-life, and thus I commend them on their accuracy.

RATING: 6.5/10

Assassin’s Creed III

Possible conflict of interest here: I am British. I understand most of our audience is American. Firstly, my condolences for, well, everything. Secondly, me playing this game would be considered by some as “cruel and unusual punishment”. Killing my racist, colonizing ancestors?

SIGN ME UP!

RATING: 8.5/10

Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation

“The left are trying to censor free speech!” The Templars scream, before censoring free speech.

RATING: 9.5/10

Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag

The best one.

RATING: 9/10

Assassin’s Creed: Pirates

“Abstergo, can we get Black Flag?”

“We have Black Flag at home.”

Ubisoft very much enjoys their smartphone/tablet exclusives, and Pirates is just the latest of them. Here you assume the role of French pirate captain La Buse, who uses his psychic powers to violently jerk the ship back and forth, fire the cannons at, and summon harpoons from the ether to slay whales.

While psychic powers are a mainstay in the franchise, I do have to criticize Pirates for character interactions offered only in the form of PNGs, as well as a complete lack of drag (the air resistance variety, though drag entertainment would also have been welcome).

RATING: 5.5/10

Assassin’s Creed Rogue

The prequel to Unity that no one asked for. Rogue puts us in the shoes of lovable centrist Shay Patrick Cormac, who doesn’t like the fact that the Assassins kill the fascist Templars instead of engaging them in robust debate. After he kills a bunch of innocent civilians by accidentally causing an earthquake, he blames his assassins buddies and makes it his life mission to kill everyone he was ever close to.

Oh, and if the player chooses, they can also kill more innocent civilians.

Hilariously the modern storyline has Abstergo brought low by a computer virus. It also has a tech bro stamping out any threat to their corporate overlords. I’d honestly give this game a 10 for historical accuracy, if it weren’t for the fact it sets up the events of the next game…

RATING: 7/10

Assassin’s Creed Unity

The year is 2011. Yves Guillemot, CEO of Ubisoft, awakes in a cold sweat. No, it’s not the toxic environment in the workplace that bothers him. He’s buried that well enough. It’s something worse. He gathers the board and delivers the message he received in his dreams:

“Marie Antoinette was right. They could have eaten cake.”

Assassin’s Creed Unity is a bold attempt to rewrite history, framing France’s royal family not as these greedy monsters who allowed their people to starve, but instead innocent victims in the machinations of a radical Templar (because the regular Templars’ fascism was fine). We join Arno Dorian, class traitor, in his attempts to ensure the poor stay poor and prevent the French Revolution.

Y’know, the French Revolution? A glorious example of the masses rising up against the rich and powerful? Well here it’s instead presented as a bad thing because “those benevolent royals were stopping regular people from running things, and some of those regular people might be evil.”

Part of me wants to joke about the game’s performance issues and frequent crashing. I’m above such things. Besides, the story’s enough of a car crash as it is.

RATING: 0/10

Assassin’s Creed: Arena

“But Amity,” I hear you scream into the ceaseless void, “they never made a video game called Assassin’s Creed: Arena.” First of all, don’t you dare speak without my permission. Second, you are correct. But the title of this article isn’t All Assassin’s Creed Video Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. It’s All Assassin’s Creed Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. Arena is a board game, and thus counts.

But is it accurate? Of course not. The world of Arena operates under the “turn-based” timestream. Players race against one another, assuming the role of cardboard figurines, in order to be the first to assassinate their circular cardboard target, whilst avoiding guards who may only move when a card decrees it so.

RATING: 4/10

Assassin’s Creed Freedom Cry

Finally getting to some Kingdom Hearts style titles here. In all honesty though, that’s the only joke I’m going to make. This game rules. You get to butcher slavers. No notes.

RATING: 9.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Memories

“We must gather the lost memories of ancient assassins. Quick, fire up the Animus!”

“No need. The card game will suffice.”

Assassin’s Creed: Memories is the result of 23andMe and a tech bro’s torrid love affair. Instead of sneaking into the heart of a target’s castle, evading patrols and utilizing all your cool gadgets, it’s so much more fun to tap the “Eliminate Guards” button ten times over, with an arbitrary percentage of success (if you’re not spending money that is).

But don’t worry, fellow Assassin fans. We have gameplay. You get to chase after your target by tapping the screen as fast as you can!!! Relieve the suffering of assassin’s past as you inevitably shatter your iPad’s screen while failing to catch some model ripped straight out of Superhot.

RATING: 1/10

Assassin’s Creed Syndicate

Headed down to London town to bust union busters. We join Jacob and Evie Frye, assassin twins who attempt to save the city of London. Trust me, it’s not worth it.

We’ve obviously had plenty of interaction with historical figures before, but Syndicate really feels like someone in the writer’s room wrote a fanfic about their personal adventures with just about every famous person from British history. You’ve got your Alexander Graham Bells, your Queen Victorias, and let’s hear some noise for the 7th Earl of Cardigan. The stuffiest version of Super Smash Bros: Ultimate you’re likely to play.

RATING: 7/10

Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: China

Chronicles: China is the first in a trilogy. We play Shao Jun, last of the Chinese Brotherhood of Assassins, as we seek revenge on the (you guessed it) Templars for (you guessed it) killing our friends.

Now I’ve told a lot of jokes over this article, but I want to take a very serious look at the game and truly dive into its historic-

Holy shit is that Ezio Auditore da Firenze??

RATING 8.5/10

Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: India

Chronicles: India provides us with a truth that many of us had suspected. The British crown houses the stolen Koh-i-Noor, the most powerful Piece of Eden ever crafted. Suddenly, the British Empire’s existence makes a lot more sense. No, I will not hear any evidence to the contrary.

RATING: 8.5/10

Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: Russia

The one where the Assassins are responsible for the October Revolution. Glory to our hidden blade comrades.

RATING: 10/10

Assassin’s Creed Identity

In a franchise that likes to shake up its core gameplay every couple of titles, calling a game Identity is a self-own stronger than anything I could ever come up with.

RATING: 4/10

Assassin’s Creed: Origins

Oh boy, Origins.

First of all, an element worthy of praise: Origins does have an amazing Discovery Tour feature, allowing players to learn about the wonderful history of Ptolemaic Egypt without the threat of Templars kicking their shit in.

However, Origins has a very subtle, hard to notice anachronism that does dampen the experience a little bit. Y’know, the massive fuck-off virtual store peddling microtransactions. The intangible merchant through which protagonists Bayek and Aya can trade a player’s real cash for “Helix credits” (famed currency of Egypt), which can be spent on equipment.

If only Caesar had spent a few Helix credits on some better gear, he might have won the Brutus boss fight.

RATING: 4/10

Assassin’s Creed Unity: Arno’s Chronicles

Not to be confused with the Chronicles trilogy. We once again find Arno “I’m joining the class war on the side of classists” Dorian in his quest to ensure the working people get their daily taste of boot polish. Like our protagonist’s morals, the game is completely flat. We’ve already established the inaccuracies with such a depiction, and the game will be punished accordingly.

You may note that I haven’t really described the gameplay here. There’s a reason for that. As if to invest us in his pro-capitalist morals, Arno’s Chronicles is an exclusive for the HONOR smartphone. That’s right, you have to buy a specific brand of phone to play this game, further cementing Arno as the worst Assassin’s Creed protagonist.

RATING: 0.5/10

Assassin’s Creed Odyssey

“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, yeeting an assassin off a rooftop.

“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, throwing some poor swabbie into the drink.

“SPARTAN KICK!” I scream at the microtransaction store. I miss. The virtual goods peddler dangles some better gear in front of me, for the low price of 2,000 Helix Credits. Maybe if I buy it, I might beat it.

RATING: 1.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion

Everyone recalls the post-credits scene at the end of every Assassin’s Creed game, right? The promise that Ezio Auditore and friends would return in Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion? No? Just my fanfiction? Alright then.

Rebellion is what would happen if Funko ever got their rigid, plastic hands on the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Join Ezio and others as you forge a new brotherhood

Rebellion is unfortunately hampered by a few specific details. First of all, outside of a few core faces, Rebellion is entirely populated with Original Characters Do Not Steal. I don’t know about you, but the only people who actually existed are those who get their names written in history books. Also,

RATING: 2.5/10

Assassin’s Creed III: Remastered

Now I know you’re probably confused why we’re covering this game again. It’s just plain old Assassin’s Creed III, right? WRONG! The remaster saw fit to include The Tyranny of King Washington, an entirely canonical event in America’s history. I finally get to put that old racist in the ground, saving America from a dictator rising to power and unleashing hell upon its unsuspecting citizens.

RATING: 10/10

Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE STILL DOING MICROTRANSACTIONS!?

I’m aware that accurate portrayals of Viking culture are rare in the modern day, but I’m pretty damn sure they weren’t summoning armor, weapons, and settlement furnishings through the almighty power of Helix Credits.

RATING: 1/10

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood of Venice

And we arrive at our second Assassin’s Creed board game. Not going to lie, it looks awesome. I wish I’d backed the original Kickstarter, instead of going for the Darkest Dungeon board game. Five years later and I still don’t have it.

Unfortunately, Brotherhood of Venice has overlooked a key historical detail. While people were certainly shorter back then, Ezio was most certainly taller than the miniature provided. I was also fairly certain he wasn’t made out of resin, but Rebellion did prove me wrong on this point. Props to Brother of Venice for the continuity here.

RATING: 5.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Mirage

Literally unplayable if you haven’t seen the MCU.

RATING: 2.5/10

Assassin’s Creed: Nexus VR

Well well, look who came crawling back to Facebook. Nexus VR was a virtual-reality game released for the Oculus Quest 2 and 3 (yeah, I called it the Oculus Quest, what are you gonna do about it?)

However, the historical accuracy is jeopardized by one massive flaw. I’m in control. I’m not a master assassin. I can make a leap of faith down two steps before I wreck my knees. The only hidden blade I wield is the one in my kitchen drawer. Every time I try to alter reality with the Piece of Eden, I get laughed out of the supermarket’s fruit section.

RATING: 0.5/10

Assassin’s Creed Shadows

Shadows introduces a bold new mechanic: the ratio assassination. Eat shit, Musk and Grummz.

RATING: 11/10

Great Depression Gets HD Remaster

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

NEW YORK — Gamers rejoiced today as top heads of the video game industry, in conjunction with every other industry in the world, announced a modern re-release of the cult classic title The Great Depression.

“No matter how much video games advance, it’s always fun to go back and revisit the classics,” said Shuntaro Furukawa, President of Nintendo. “Nintendo is proud to be one of the many companies involved in bringing this remake of The Great Depression to life. We’ve already enjoyed seeing the discussion by fans about the upcoming Switch 2 version of The Great Depression, speculating on plot points, when it will release, and how much it will cost.”

Originally released in 1929 for the IBM 301 computer, The Great Depression was a first-person survival game that suffered from a mixed reception.

“It was universally hated,” explained gaming historian Lauren Fruitcake. “The gameplay was completely unforgiving, the way the player had to constantly work to afford food and housing in a world on the brink of collapse. But eventually it came to be appreciated for its in depth storytelling. The average person doesn’t really pick up on it while they’re playing, but the lore was really ahead of its time,” continued Fruitcake. “The whole game is set in a world where rampant overconsumption has created a fragile economy destined to crash, accelerated by a Republican President of the United States enacting major tariffs and crippling global trade, all while the threat of fascism lingers in the future. What a story, especially when you consider that this was over five years before the release of Planescape: Torment.”

While developers have promised the upcoming remake will stay true to the brutal difficulty of the original, a variety of new features are being included for modern audiences.

“We’ve improved the graphics, obviously,” announced Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “This time around everything will be in color. We’re also adding online features to the remake, so you can share your progress with your friends, post screenshots of your playthrough, and desperately beg the entire world for donations to cover basic living expenses … it really adds a new level of depth to the game that wasn’t there before. And for the truly hardcore players who thought the original was too easy, we’ve got a mode where players will have to deal with the accelerating threat of climate change on top of everything else!”

At press time, early work had already begun on a remake of The Great Depression’s sequel about a world war.

This Year’s Masters Tournament Sponsored By HBO’s The Last of Us Season 2

Posted on by Nick Coffman

AUGUSTA, Ga. — Ahead of the Masters this weekend, representatives of the famous tournament at Augusta National Golf Club have confirmed this year’s key sponsor would be the upcoming second season of HBO’s The Last of Us.

The new partnership was announced in a joint press conference by actor Pedro Pascal. 

“Nothing says spring like The Masters and good ass shows on HBO,” Pascal said gleefully to an audience who applauded at a respectful volume. “I mean get this. You can watch golf all weekend and when that’s over you can flip on HBO and watch the season two premiere of The Last of Us. And honestly, you golf fans are going to like what you see when you flip the channel. I will see you all on the course this weekend, whoo!”

Following his praise for the new season, Pascal exited the stage and newcomer to the series, Kaitlyn Dever continued the presentation.

“That’s right Pedro, I think golf fans are really going to like what we have in store for them with this season of The Last of Us,” Devers said to the audience members as they looked around frantically for Pascal. “For those who do not know, I am playing Abby, a new character in the series. I don’t want to spoil anything for you all, but Abby has one hell of a backswing.”

The audience grew restless as Dever’s presentation continued. Members of the audience could be heard shouting, “How long is the girl going to be”, “This presentation isn’t over yet”, and “Where’s Zaddy”. Dever powered through the rest of her presentation unphased.

“Pedro will be around, I promise, you will all see him again,” Dever said to the miffed crowd. “I just need you to know it is not going to be as much as you think. But before you boo, remember, this is the Augusta National Golf Club. You are pioneers in accepting women where they once were not welcome. Do not stoop down to the level of gamers and write us off ahead of the premier.”

At press time Pascal had not been seen on club grounds, leading golfers to believe he would not be returning for the tournament.

Nintendo Lures Millennials Into Store by Dangling GameCube Discs From Fishing Rod

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NEW YORK — In an effort to draw larger amounts of millennials into their flagship NYC store, Nintendo of America has begun dangling classic GameCube game discs from a long fishing rod and watching as the instant hit of nostalgia lures people inside, per multiple reports. 

“Yeah, I’ve fallen victim to it more than once, I’m ashamed to admit,” millennial Todd Waters stated to reporters. “I just saw the original GameCube disc of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker suspended there in midair, taunting me to just reach out and grab it, and before you know it I was inside the store. They really got me, haha! Leave it to Nintendo to get creative with their marketing practices, you know? Anyway, once I was inside, I figured I might as well pick up a copy of Super Mario Bros. Wonder. I’d been meaning to try it out, anyway.” 

Onlookers have been completely baffled by the public display, in awe of the tactic’s high rate of success, according to sources familiar with the matter. 

“This is really embarrassing for them,” said Hannah Hammond, a local Gen Z-er. “Oh, what, they have a disc of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door or Luigi’s Mansion presented to them and they just can’t help themselves? Honestly, that’s pretty pathetic. Ope, hold on one sec, there’s news about Mario Kart World. I have to go.” 

Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser released a statement regarding the issue. 

“Here at Nintendo, we’re always trying to bring in new generations of fans with quality games, while not losing sight of the folks that got us to where we are today,” wrote Bowser, in a post shared on the company’s Nintendo Today! app. “That’s why dangling these GameCube games from a fishing pole is one of our key tentpoles for this year. We want to make sure millennials know we’re still thinking about them, not only through offering classic Nintendo titles like Super Mario Sunshine on the Switch and Switch 2 for $79.99 a pop, but also by actively encouraging their business in real life. And as you can see, it looks like business is booming.”

At press time, an ambulance was called after a millennial hit their head on a street pole while following a moving GameCube disc of Pokémon Colosseum towards the Nintendo store.

Report: There’s a US Kill Screen Coming Up, If Anyone Wants to Watch

Posted on by Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Wandering awkardly around the country, kill screen enthusiast Brian Kuh stopped at several landmarks and shouted at the top of his lungs about an upcoming United States kill screen that was quickly approaching.

“U.S. kill screen coming up at the White House, if anyone wants to watch,” the former Donkey Kong prodigy shouted at a group of lost tourists who were just looking for directions to the Lincoln Memorial. “I mean it’s not as hard as running a decathlon or triathlon, but it’s still very very hard.”

Kuh continued on, imparting the historical significance of this kill screen to any passersby.

“Trump’s hammering the markets and avoiding Democrats barreling down on him, but this run could come to an end if he’s not careful of those pesky judges,” Kuh said, pointing aggressively in the direction of the White House. “Many players have tried and failed at what Trump is doing here today, players like Buchanan, Reagan, and Trump the first time.”

James Glint, a stockbroker, further explained the upcoming kill screen as he stood on a nearby rooftop staring into the middle distance.

“The thing about the U.S. kill screen is that everything keeps going for a little while longer after you’ve reached it,” Glint said as he handed us a note for his spouse and his shoes. “We hit the kill screen a few days ago, so it’s only a matter of time.”

At press time, Kuh stared at the White House, envious of Trump’s achievement.

1080° Snowboarding Characters All Hoping You Don’t Pick Them so They Can Continue Relaxing in This Beautiful Log Cabin

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EDEN, Utah — Everybody inhabiting the log cabin in the character select screen of 1998 classic “1080° Snowboarding” found themselves hoping that you don’t pick them, sources report.

“I just got in from a long day out on the slopes, and all I want to do is relax,” character Dion Blaster told reporters. “I’m going to play pool while not looking at the camera and hope you somehow take the hint and go on your way. I mean, just look at all of us. You haven’t noticed that we’re all pointedly avoiding eye contact with you? Kensuke was absolutely freezing when he got in a few minutes ago, and he clearly wants to unwind by the fire. We love this cabin and just want to relax. Get a clue, man. Please just go away and play something else.”

You clearly didn’t take the hint despite the overt body language displayed by the characters.

“Hmm, Dion’s technique is a little low, but look at that max speed stat,” you said while staring dead-eyed at your television screen. “The CPU has a habit of catching up pretty rapidly on these courses, so I think I’m going to go with him over Kensuke Kimachi. I love how this game puts all the characters in this beautiful log cabin. It really enhances the setting and gives you the feeling that they’re all enthusiastic about getting back out on the mountain.”

Video game psychologist Jiemba Foster provided her expertise on the situation.

“We tend to view characters as empty vessels that are only there to serve us, but think about it,” Foster mentioned. “Do you really think your Black Ops 6 character is excited to get shot at while infiltrating Saddam’s palace, or your Madden create-a-player is chomping at the bit to get repeatedly concussed on the field? It would certainly behoove us as players, and as human beings, to try considering the feelings of the characters we’re controlling every once in a while.”

At press time, Blaster was hoping that you at least don’t decide to launch him off that cliff in Dragon Cave after choosing him.

Opinion: Corey Booker’s Speech Could Have Been Longer (Guest Column by Hideo Kojima)

Posted on by Peter Cunis

All speech is — metaphorically and literally — code. By this, I mean it is a message you must decipher using clues and context, yes, but it is also the programming code that drives the game of humanity. When a friend explains the plot of a movie to you, your brain takes that code, unscrambles it, and executes it into a set of moving images playing in your mind. Your friend, thus, is your brain’s programmer, and the quality of the movie that plays in your head is dependent on your friend’s skill as a coder. This is why friends are so powerful and dangerous. 

I enjoyed listening to Corey Booker’s 25-hour speech. While I listened, I fried several delicious sunny-side-up eggs and piloted my drone around my house to see if I could find any of my missing Evangelion miniatures. All the while, my mind compiled and executed a program of solidarity with an efficiency that put me in mind of a eurasian beaver compiling a dam in the Sozh.

Senator Booker’s skill as a coder is, in this humble game designer’s opinion, quite promising. He’s also an effective voice and performance capture actor. I could feel the organic nanites of my mind working tirelessly to take a more compassionate, politically active form in mechanical response to his human-readable instructions.

But then, after a mere 25 hours, the speech ended. My hands, which his calls for action had driven to make eggs and pilot drones, fell to my side. My organic nanites, with no passionate verbiage to incite a mechanical response, fell into disarray. My heart ceased to beat for a moment. I felt adrift — an executable with no source. An actor with no director. A soldier with no country.

This leads me to my foremost critique of Senator Booker’s speech: not enough history lessons. Yes, Senator Booker spoke of the present-day United States eloquently and with the precision of a hummingbird striking a bee balm’s bud. But where is the historical context for everyone learning about this “United States” place for the very first time? I suggest that Senator Booker could have spent at least ten hours explaining how Pearl Harbor, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and 9/11 led the United States to its current state of emergency. Perhaps he could have employed archival footage as a visual aid. 

I must end my column here in accordance with draconian word-count restrictions, but I look forward to casting Mr. Booker in the role of “Senator Doctor Strangecountry” in Death Stranding 3.

Game Night: My Neighbors Are Trying to Eat Me In ‘Look Outside’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I watched a lot of reruns of the original “Muppet Show” as a kid, and one of the things that still sets that show apart in my mind was its occasional swerve into black comedy. Most of its run was devoted to musical numbers or parodies, but every once in a while the creators threw in a sketch in which Muppets went crazy, ate one another, or attacked the guest star.

It took me a while to make the connection, but Look Outside reminds me of those sketches. It’s packed with monsters that feel like they could’ve come out of the Jim Henson workshop, and features similar rapid shifts between dark jokes and outright horror. You’re never comfortable, almost always off-balance, and rarely more than a couple of decisions away from sudden death.

Look Outside, by Canadian solo developer Francis Coulombe, is a survival horror RPG set within a single apartment building. You play as Sam, an unemployed shut-in, who gets up one morning with a strange impulse to open his bedroom window.

If you do, Sam dies. You can hit the Game Over screen in Look Outside in about 20 seconds if you skip text fast enough.

If you don’t open the window, Sam has a conversation through a crack in the wall with his neighbor Sybil. According to her, some unknown phenomenon has appeared in the sky, and looking at it has strange effects on people. There’s a chance that it may disappear 15 days from now. In the meantime, if Sam wants to survive and stay sane, he needs to stay indoors.

That gives you 15 in-game days to spend however you see fit. You can sit in Sam’s living room doing crossword puzzles for two weeks if you want. That said, there isn’t enough food in Sam’s fridge to last that long, so sooner or later, you have to explore at least some of the building.

Early on, Look Outside is a sort of ground-level spin on console RPGs. You can find sporting goods and thick clothing to equip on Sam as makeshift weapons and armor, hunt for change to use in the local vending machine, turn household chemicals into improvised bombs, and occasionally beat a crazed neighbor to death with a baseball bat. If it reminds me of any one game, it’s probably Earthbound.

With each passing day, the building gets stranger. New enemies appear, locked apartments open up, and you’ll eventually have to search the lower floors for supplies. At that point, you discover that the building itself has mutated, and Look Outside quickly transitions into pure cosmic horror.

That’s also when the game expands beyond its initial roots. If you stick close to Sam’s apartment, there isn’t much to do beyond simple survival. Once you start going to lower floors, you run into more elaborate puzzles, side quests, and a maze that’s patrolled by a nearly invincible monster. The further you get from Sam’s apartment, the further away you get from Look Outside’s original genre.

The lower floors feature increasingly more impressive monster designs, which is what spurred my initial comparison to Jim Henson. The first couple of fights in Look Outside just put you up against crazy neighbors, but then I ran into some people whose bodies were rapidly being replaced by teeth and things just got weirder from there.

At that point, Look Outside also hits you with a series of difficult choices. You can opt to fight and kill many of the friendly NPCs throughout the game, make horrible sacrifices to get closer to solving the game’s core mystery, or try to befriend both monsters and other survivors. I don’t know if a zero-kill run is actually possible, but you can get through much of the game without violence.

It’s never less than creepy, especially as you gain access to some of the stranger side missions, but Look Outside never loses sight of its own absurdity. For every moment of pure body horror, there’s another moment that plays with the same scenario for laughs or sympathy.

In a more linear experience, that could’ve caused real problems with the game’s tone, but Look Outside’s open-ended approach helps to reconcile that. If your version of Look Outside ended up as a Lovecraftian spin on Shaun of the Dead, it’s because you made some specific choices along the way.

My biggest problem with the overall experience is that Look Outside might get too complicated too quickly. It doesn’t have an in-game map or quest log, and between side missions, main objectives, crafting recipes, key locations, multiple endings, and items with no immediately obvious use, there’s a lot that you’ll want to track.

It also mixes sharply limited resources, including breakable weapons, with a tendency towards unannounced difficulty spikes. You also have very few ways to heal or cure status ailments in the middle of a fight. Sure, you can pause outside of combat to jam six wheels of cheese down Sam’s throat, Skyrim-style, but there aren’t many ways to restore HP if you’re in a tough fight.

As a result, death can be both sudden and cheap. On the intended settings, where you can only save the game in Sam’s apartment, that can set you back an hour or more at a time. It’s frustrating, and I had to put the game down a couple of times to cool off.

I do tend to grade projects like this on a curve, though. Look Outside is a cheap, short game by a single developer that could’ve easily been a dull run at standard horror themes. Instead, it’s an idiosyncratic, immersive RPG with multiple distinct routes and endings. If you’re up for this kind of horror game and don’t mind its deliberate attempts to confuse you, you could get a lot out of Look Outside.

[Look Outside, developed by Francis Coulombe and published by Devolver Digital, is now available on PC via Steam for $9.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Devolver.]

Cappy Transforms Into MAGA Hat After Mario Stumbles Into Staten Island Portion of New Donk City

Posted on by Steve Packosky

NEW DONK CITY — Mario’s sentient sidekick Cappy transformed into a MAGA hat to fit in after the pair found itself in New Donk City’s Staten Island borough, sources report.

“I knew something was off when we got on that orange ferry,” Cappy admitted. “We had been looking for a manhole cover to get to the city’s power source, and we definitely took a wrong turn. As soon as we got off the boat, all the New Donkers were draped in American flags and shirts with Donald Trump’s mugshot. Even the Power Moons had the Thin Blue Line design on them. I could feel us sticking out even more over there, but luckily we fit right in after I turned into a MAGA hat. Mario started getting high-fives from everybody we walked past, but I still couldn’t wait to leave.”

Resident Vinnie DelVecchio commented on what he had seen.

“I was headed over to Key Food for some Funyuns when I saw this little chubby guy running around bouncing off people’s heads,” DelVecchio commented. “At first, I was ready to punch his fuckin’ lights out ‘cuz we don’t do that here, but then when he got close enough for me to see his hat I knew he was a good guy. Turns out he’s a plumber, and I hope his business is doin’ well now that Crooked Joe Biden is out of office. I was about to tell him as much, but he turned into a power line or some shit and just zipped off.”

Mayor Pauline was dismayed when she heard about Mario’s experience.

“I really should have closed that ferry until Mario ships out,” Pauline lamented. “We’re going to have an absolutely gorgeous concert once he fixes the power source, and now he’s only going to remember the most embarrassing part of New Donk City. At least I was able to successfully quash the Staten Island president’s effort to have Kid Rock play the festival. That would’ve been an absolute disaster.”

At press time, Cappy had transformed himself into a knit beanie after Mario wandered into New Donk City’s Williamsburg neighborhood.

I Convinced My Wife I Bought the Leisure Suit Larry Complete Collection So I Could Write This Article

Posted on by Dan Katz

When I saw that Humble Bundle was selling nine Leisure Suit Larry games plus artbooks and soundtracks for just $7, I had to jump on it. No brainer. The 80’s version of me would never forgive the current version of me if I didn’t. One problem though: even though I’m a grown man and can do what I want, I still have a wife and kids and pervy comedy games aren’t exactly family entertainment.

So, I convinced my wife that I bought the Leisure Suit Larry Complete Collection so I could write this article.

Even though Hard Drive pays the talent exactly what we are worth, I am still going to make a slight profit off of this, which was a bonus when I made my case to the missus. But mostly, I leaned on her support of my love of video games and writing.

“I’m so proud of you Danny. You’ve always admired Hard Drive from afar and now you get to write articles for them,” my wife said, unaware that even the EGA depictions of cleavage in Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards still get me going. “I know these games can be raunchy, but it’s all just research so you can keep living your dream.”

What I’ll ask of you at this point, my valued reader, is to just keep reading, to look like you’re really enjoying this bit of satire. That way, my wife won’t be suspicious when it’s 2:00am and I’m trying to bed Passionate Patti in the third installment of the series. Here, I’ll even include another quote to keep up appearances:

“My Dad told me Leisure Suit Larry was an 80’s classic. It’s incredible what entertained horny gamers back before the internet,” recounted my 16-year-old son, who has never seen the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Ok, here she comes. Give me a little chuckle right…now. Good, good, she just asked if my article got another like on Twitter. Maybe give it a share on Facebook – my wife will definitely see that. Now let’s cement the ruse with one more quote.

“Ew, these games are gross. This was actually popular in the 1900’s?” questioned my daughter, who is becoming more and more thankful she’s about to escape to college. “Is my parents’ marriage ok? Why would my dad want to play these games? Ironically, I hope.”

At press time, I realized I may have purchased the Leisure Suit Larry bundle just to keep up the bit.

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