TORONTO — Tragedy has struck the wrestling world as a young up-and-coming wrestler on the Toronto independent scene is facing a career threatening neck injury thanks to years of watching television at a 45 degree angle.
Wrestler “Turbo” Ned Tyson has wanted to be a wrestler since he was a kid but his body may force him to choose another career path.
“I fell in love with wrestling when I was 7 and by 13 I knew it’s what I wanted to do,” said Tyson. “They always tell you not to try this at home but I didn’t listen, I wanted to do what they do so I started watching TV at a 45 degree angle while standing with the TV kinda to my back.”
Years of watching TV from this angle have finally caught up to the 25-year-old.
“The human body is not meant to watch TV this way,” said neck specialist Austin Baker. “It’s completely unnatural for the neck to be situated like this while watching television. Mr. Tyson has spent so long watching TV like this that the muscles in his neck have become distorted. It is in my medical opinion that Mr. Tyson will never wrestle again. Any more 45 degree TV watching will do permanent damage to his neck. With enough time of proper television viewing habits, he still has a chance at a normal life.”
Tyson’s mother blames herself.
“I knew it was dangerous for him to be watching TV like that but I wanted to support his dreams. He said to make it to WWE this is what he had to do,” said Arlene Tyson.
Tyson is hopeful he can make it back to the ring.
“I don’t think this is the end for me. It can’t be since I won my last match.”
At press time, Tyson reportedly stole an ambulance from the local medical facility to drive to his next match at the last minute.
NEW YORK — Popular digital streamer Max, formerly HBO Max, recently unveiled a foreboding new “Don’t Get Too Attached” category to its platform, according to nervous sources scrambling to find out what that means.
“We’re excited to offer this new feature to all our loyal viewers who we’ve tormented over the years,” said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. “After we received backlash for randomly and unexpectedly scrapping so much content, we thought it would be a smart move to give subscribers a little heads up about what might be next on the chopping block. So if you wake up and find that your favorite shows have been moved to this specially curated category, it might be a good idea to start binging because who knows what we might do to them.”
Max subscriber Tracey Kees expressed her opinion on the news.
“Is this a joke?” said Kees as she furiously shuffled through the long list of shows whose existence was suddenly in jeopardy. “First they pull content people actually want to watch, and now they’re openly trolling us? How much time do I have to watch these things before they’re gone?”
Media analyst Priya Kapoor described the lengths streamers will go to set themselves apart from their rivals.
“The competitive media landscape has forced companies to innovate,” Kapoor stated. “Netflix already has a “Leaving Soon” category to alert viewers about which titles will be departing in the near future, but this new feature by Max takes it to another level, albeit for no apparent good reason other than to be a bunch of dicks. It seems like their entire business model is built on messing with their own subscribers, so this isn’t really that surprising and quite frankly very on-brand.”
At press time, Zaslav announced an even more ominous feature in the form of a doomsday-style countdown clock which would randomly appear on screen but offer no details about why it was there.
Boyfriend Daniel Hans is highly irritable and snappy ahead of the 300th episode spectacular of his podcast Guys Night, sources currently giving him some space and not sure what the point of all this is, confirmed.
“Oh yeah, that’ll be good for the show,” Hans snapped at his best friend and cohost of 8 years after learning he had a cold ahead of the big night. “You think the audience wants to hear you sniffling for three and half hours as we break down 50 First Dates?”
References to “the audience” or “community” seem aspirational at best, sources confirmed.
“Daniel is a good guy. He has a stable job, my parents love him,” Allie Bercher, a pre-med student currently dating Hans, said. “But I saw the stats to the show one time and I thought something was broken so I said, ‘can you hit refresh so they load?’ and he freaked out. Men can be so sensitive you gotta be careful what you say.”
Bercher is not upset with the show and always encourages Hans to follow his passions, but that hasn’t helped ease tensions around the apartment, she said.
“It’s great to have hobbies. But when I call it a hobby he freaks out,” Bercher said. “The other day he burst in the room super upset saying Joe Rogan got another $250 million. It sounded like he thought of himself as a runner up or something.”
Confident that the slow and steady grind of gaining roughly the same amount of listeners he loses each month will pay off in the long run, Hans has no intention of slowing down his commitment to the podcast.
“We’re leftist, but in the way that we read what other leftists online say and then we say that, too,” Hans said of the target demographic of the show, which has run for the last 8 years and built an audience of around 100 downloads per episode. “I also spent some time in the IT department at a few online retailers so I bring that perspective to the show as well.”
The podcast game isn’t a level playing field where true talent rises to the top, Hans explained.
“We’re being held back,” Hans said of his access to massive multi-billion dollar discovery platforms, which use cutting edge technology to spread images and ideas around the world to more people than ever before in human history, for free, 24/7, and the simple, remote recording and editing tools widely available to anyone such that him and his friends can record, edit, produce, publish, and distribute something akin to a radio show at a total cost of approximately $30 a month. “Probably because of our politics.”
Paul Givens, head of the psychology department at UCLA, has been studying the effects of easy access to podcasting for several years.
“Ah yes, there is a large percentage of the male population that needs, emotionally, to have ‘a show’ to work on,” Givens said. “This show can be anything really – as it just represents a sort of last gasp if you will – their last attempt at building an audience for their ‘takes.’ The studies show eventually around 35 or 40 years old these men tend to find a different kind of audience: a life partner willing to listen to them complain how undervalued they are at a job outside the entertainment industry. This is where they are happiest.”
As of press time Hans was seen anxiously checking his email to see if his latest of several background RGB lighting fixtures was scheduled to arrive in time for the big show.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 4.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A point at which something is about to happen or undergo a change.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“G”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“V”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 555 days straight! So here goes nothing:
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 3.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A prefix meaning small used in scientific, technical, and everyday language to denote something tiny in size or on a miniature scale.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“O”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“C”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“M”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 626 days straight! So here goes nothing:
Public intellectual Jordan Peterson reportedly broke down into a loud sobbing fit just two minutes into a debate on the future of Western Civilization with muppet character Elmo.
The debate, promoted as the culmination of a long-standing feud between the prominent professor and muppet, was not released. According to sources close to the incident, filming was abruptly stopped to avoid, “what seemed like could become a violent situation.”
Peterson, who says he collects art made by victims of muppet-based violence, pulled no punches when it came to what he thought of his opponent in the debate.
“The dirty collectivist bastard,” Peterson said of the three-year-old furry red muppet adored by children around the world. “Post-modernists like Elmo don’t understand they actually advocate for mass killing – is that what you want? Well, then – no way. Sorry. Not me. I won’t stand for it.”
Peterson said he had a plan of action to combat his apparent emotional volatility including restrictive dieting and a series of bizarre oversea procedures.
“It’s the inherently mother – the biblically divine feminine even – in my food,” he said, eyes welling up. “Oh god, I think there was something on my steak. If someone squeezes some lemon in my water without me knowing I can be sick for weeks.”
The Elmo debate is not the first time Peterson has been recorded crying, with prior incidents occurring at rather sporadic or seemingly out of place moments. Heather Klein, a psychologist at the University of California Berkeley, said there were parts of Peterson’s emotional display that she found positive.
“In many ways it’s good to see Mr. Peterson show the young men who follow him that it really is OK for men to cry. Trying to be stoic 24/7 can lead to serious outbursts and doesn’t allow loved ones to know when these men need support,” Klein said. “That being said he could suck it up a bit – dude cries all the time.”
Arguments over who won the short, unaired debate raged online. Elmo’s fanbase released doctored tweets showing inflammatory statements not made by Peterson, and Peterson’s fanbase threatened to go “door to door” on Sesame Street “until enough muppet blood had been spilled.”
“I will not let Western Civilization fall to the muppet scum,” one Peterson supporter, who credits the professor with saving his life, said. “And I will not let the muppet-loving media pretend Peterson lost the Elmo debate. If anything, he was probably only crying because he just understands the consequences of muppet ideology when they take power.”
As of press time, Elmo was unavailable for comment.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Feb 2.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
An adjective that describes something that is split or divided, often into two parts.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“T”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“F”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“C”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 429 days straight! So here goes nothing:
WASHINGTON — Leaked documents reveal that the U.S. government was attempting to cover up the existence of 2012’s third-person shooter Spec Ops: The Line.
“The documents in question are falsified. We have no record of there ever being a game called Spec Ops: The Line,” said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. “Maybe you’re thinking of another Spec Ops game? Or perhaps a Call of Duty? Medal of Honor…? Wow. Remember those games? They were fun, right?”
Government officials insist that the game never existed and assert it’s another mass misremembering event also known as “the Mandela effect.” Government sources say this refers to many people believing that Nelson Mandela became the Dig Dug world champion in the 1980s despite Mandela actually winning in 2013.
Some people have come forward with claims that they experienced the game first-hand.
“I played it, man. I was in the mud. I saw things. I was ordered to do things that I’m not proud of. The linear gameplay gave me no choice,” said a whistleblower who wished to remain anonymous. “This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this. Remember the Apocalypse Now game that Killspace was working on in 2017? Every company that even came close to signing on as publisher mysteriously went bankrupt right before a deal was made. The whole story reeks of government interference.”
The White House made an official statement addressing the claims head-on.
“Military video games are strictly about salt-of-the-earth Americans winning wars against Nazis, Russians, the Taliban, and cybernetically modified space demons traveling from portals between Mars and Hell.” said White House Principal Deputy Press Secretary Olivia Dalton. “The idea that there was another Heart of Darkness adaptation where the player is ordered to commit atrocities while second-guessing the ethics of the country they’re serving and seeing first-hand the horrors of war and what it does to the human psyche is absolutely preposterous.”
François Coulon and Cory Davis, alleged game directors of Spec Ops: The Line, were not heard from when reached out for comment.
ORLANDO — Nintendo and Universal are facing issues with the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions after safety inspectors discovered that all rides at Super Nintendo World will eventually turn yellow.
Super Nintendo World Orlando is supposed to launch in 2025 but that may now be in jeopardy according to IAAPA safety chief Paul Sanders.
“It is our job to ensure that all amusement parks are built and run with the safety of the guest in mind. Our inspection revealed the horrifying discovery that the Super Nintendo World rides are being built with a material that will eventually turn every ride to a shade of yellow,” he said.
Bill Cronsly, an engineer for the park, said his department was in pure panic over the news.
“Oh god oh god oh god,” Cronsly said to himself as he darted around the park inspecting the damage. “Apparently we built the rides with some flame retardant chemical that when exposed to air for long enough will become yellow. It’s like the top half of every ride is turning yellow? Corporate has no idea how impossible this is to fix — this stuff is in every ride.”
Sanders believes that Nintendo and Universal need to do better for customers and correct this before it’s too late.
“The good news is that we caught this in time. So there’s still a chance this can be corrected. The IAAPA exists specifically for issues like this, to ensure parks are held to proper standards. To force Nintendo fans onto yellow rides that were once beautiful would be highly immoral,” he said.
Universal spokesman Dan Stotch says they are cooperating with Sanders and the IAAPA
“We want our guests to have the best time possible. Regrettably, this was discovered and we’re doing everything we can to make this go away so we can still open in 2025,” he said.
At press time, Nintendo is reportedly preparing to sue the IAAPA.
Bungie announced via press release today that new armor designs inspired by Mass Effect would be added to Destiny so players can more easily pretend they’re playing something other than Destiny.
Sources confirm the announcement comes at a time when the long running loot shooter has been testing even their most loyal player’s patience.
“We wanted to give our players the opportunity to feel like they were playing a game that was respectful of their time. We couldn’t think of anything from Destiny that might fulfill that desire, so naturally we looked to another sci-fi game for inspiration,” said Luke Smith, executive creative director at Bungie. “We’ve already had God of War, Witcher, and Fortnite crossovers in the game before, which did a decent enough job of distracting our players, but with the fantasy and Fortnite-themed stuff they remembered they were playing Destiny pretty quickly and turned the game off. We’re confident having armor from another sci-fi game will have a longer lasting effect.”
Destiny fans were sounding off on Reddit about the latest cosmetic additions to their favorite game.
“The worst part about Destiny is playing Destiny. So having something that makes me think I’m playing a better game seems like a good deal to me,” WizardFromTheMoon said on the Destiny subreddit. “This should tide me over until the next expansion. Adding the silver to my account now.”
Other players on Twitter expressed their own excitement for this latest addition to the long running game.
“Being able to pretend I’m Commander Shepherd while I run the same strike over and over again to try and proc the perfect roll on a gun that will go directly into my vault sounds good to me,” Cayde_6_4Eva said on Twitter. People in the comments suggested they just play the Mass Effect games instead. “And miss my dailies and weeklies? I don’t think so. If I was looking to play a game and enjoy myself I wouldn’t be playing Destiny.”
At press time a mob of players wearing N7-themed armor were crowded around Banshee-44 proclaiming “I’m Commander Shepherd and this is my favorite shop on The Tower.”
