How Elon Musk Would Change Every Hasbro IP

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

Brilliant industrialist and Shadow President-elect Elon Musk has recently suggested buying Hasbro, because this selfless hero has dedicated himself to solving all of mankind’s ills, and we’ll never get to Mars unless we stop Dungeons & Dragons from being woke first.

But he wouldn’t just own D&D if he did this! We’re talking about a massive century-old toy company with countless franchises under its belt, all of which could benefit from Musk’s signature charm. Let’s take a look at what he has planned for the Hasbro library.

Action Man

Action Man? Really? This is a toyline that’s existed for decades? That’s the kind of generic name someone would make up as a joke. The best thing we can do for this franchise is give it a better name. Something memorable that would help it stand out. Ooh, hey, you know what name I don’t think has ever been done before? “X.”

Axis & Allies

This World War II board game is going to be streamlined, removing a lot of unnecessary features nobody really needs that just make the game more frustrating and complicated. Also, the title is just “Axis” now.

Battleship

The objective is now to miss as much as possible. As soon as a player correctly says a ship’s location, they’re banned for sharing assassination coordinates.

Candy Land

And I thought New Phyrexia was Hasbro’s most miserable setting. True to its name, Candy Land has both candy and land. Vast swathes of untamed saccharine wilderness with no industry in sight. Where are the factories? Where are the stock exchanges? Do they even have Wi-Fi? Like his ancestors long ago, Elon Musk has a responsibility to bring civilization and industry to these savage people. We’re going to bulldoze all these candy forests and establish businesses that manufacture and sell candy until we’re rich enough to end the feudal reigns of King Candy and Lord Licorice. Sure, the rapid industrialization will eventually melt and acidify the Ice Cream Sea, but we won’t have to worry about that once we’re all riding a peppermint rocket to Candy Mars.

 

Clue

The old Clue sucked, because it encouraged logical thinking, which is boring, and its premise implies that rich people aren’t immortal. Instead of accusing the other players of being a murderer, the new and improved Clue will have you accuse them of being a pedophile. Are you actually right? Who cares? Your family board game night has never been livelier!

Don’t Wake Daddy

D&D is just a red herring. This is the real reason Elon Musk wants to buy Hasbro. Don’t Wake Daddy is quite literally the most anti-woke game of all time. The entire objective is to stop your father from becoming woke, and if he is woke, you lose. The future of Western Civilization hinges on Hasbro going all in on Don’t Wake Daddy. We need a million licensed variations, a merchandising push, a digital version designed with esports in mind, and obviously a feature film adaptation.

Dungeons & Dragons

Obviously, Elon Musk is going to undo the change that started all this controversy to begin with: removing the concept of “races” from D&D. From now on, there are different races with different inherent abilities, flaws, and personality traits, just as Ao intended. Elon’s not a big fan of the game’s class system, though. You mean there are different classes of people with their own unique valuable abilities? Even the poors? Where’s the CEO class that’s better than all the others?

D&D’s alignment system needs work too. The new description of “Lawful Evil” just sounds like a cool guy.

Furby

If you loved talking to Furby before, just wait until you see what he can do now! The next line of Furbies will use AI so you can have real conversations with him, with all the depth and complexity we’ve come to expect from LLMs! Comes in three different varieties: Erotic Furby, Racist Furby, or Both! (Batteries and enormous amount of water not included.)

The Game of Life

This one doesn’t need too many changes. It says the objective of life is to collect as much money as possible, easily Musk’s favorite of the big board games. But it is just a smidge unrealistic, isn’t it? You get married and have children as the game goes on, but where are the opportunities to get divorced, or have your children refuse to speak to you ever again? As far as Elon Musk is concerned, it’s not truly The Game of Life without those. But don’t worry, you can still have the most cash at the end while enjoying all the extra room that comes with being the only peg in your car.

G.I. Joe

In their next thrilling adventure, the military heroes of G.I. Joe will stop the evil Cobra Commander from nationalizing Bolivia’s lithium reserves.

Jem and the Holograms

What is this woke crap? So Jem is a woman, big first strike already, but all of the Holograms too? Who is this for, little girls? Little girls don’t watch cartoons, adult men do. We’re rebooting Jem to be about Vikings with guns.

Littlest Pet Shop

Introducing the newest, best littlest pet of them all: Doge! Get it? Like the funny Internet meme? Then we’ll add Pepe the Frog, another amazing meme that the left can’t do. Then we’ll just add a bunch of Wojaks and change its name to the Littlest MEME Shop, because memes are epic for the win! I can haz cheeseburger? You’re the man now, dog! All your base are belong to us! Mr. T ate my balls!

Magic: The Gathering

Magic’s color pie is in desperate need of a rebalance. More specifically, we need to buff White. A lot. White should be better than all the other colors, because Elon Musk is a White…player. In Magic. He always runs a White deck. Mono-White. No multicolors.

Monopoly

Name changed to “Genius Entrepreneurship.” To more accurately depict life as a rich person, players can no longer go to jail.

Mr. Potato Head

Fake potatoes should not cost more than real potatoes. That simply doesn’t make sense. In the name of efficiency, we’re growing potatoes now. You, toymakers, farm. I’ll be back at 5 to pick them up.

My Little Pony

Introducing a brand-new line of life-size pony dolls, just in case you ever need to offer a woman a horse for some reason. And wait until you meet the newest pony, Green Glimmers! Every toy of her comes with a cutie mark made of real emeralds! Don’t worry about where they came from.

Nerf

The Nerf brand is famously resistant to compromising its identity, corporate pressure be damned. As its legally binding slogan states, “It’s Nerf or nothing.” After careful review of the options available to him, Elon Musk will go with nothing.

Operation

The only piece you’re allowed to remove anymore is the Woke Mind Virus, which is located in Cavity Sam’s head and looks like a tiny version of him being considerate to someone else. He still has all the usual ailments too, but his health insurance doesn’t cover them.

Ouija

I’m sorry, Hasbro owns a way to talk to the dead and they’ve just been selling it in stores? I mean, at least they monetized it somehow, but they’re not using this to its full potential. Once we’ve reverse-engineered this thing to learn all its secrets, we’re going to integrate Ouija tech into Grok and perform a giant AI-powered mass seance until it’s learned the collective knowledge of everybody who’s ever died, including the full details of the afterlife. Truly, we will be gods.

…Hey, can the Ouija board talk to dinosaurs?

Peppa Pig

In a heartrending series finale, Peppa and her entire family will be slaughtered and turned into a giant plate of bacon, which a live-action Elon Musk then eats. This is followed by an hour-long presentation in which Elon Musk explains to the audience of crying children about how bacon is the most totally epic food of all time, and anybody who doesn’t like to eat bacon, whatever their reason (wink wink), is a bad person who should not be trusted.

PJ Masks

This pro-mask propaganda for children must stop! They’re normal kids without superpowers now, and the show’s name is PJ Faces.

Play-Doh

One of Play-Doh’s big selling points is that it’s non-toxic, coddling weak stupid children who think eating clay is a good idea. All the woke safe space-loving college students these days were once children playing with non-toxic Play-Doh. Coincidence? Yes, yes it is, but let’s change it anyway.

We’re making the Play-Doh toxic now. Your children will get a fun and educational toy that teaches the important lesson that life is harsh and, if you’re not careful, short. Plus, we finally know what to do with SpaceX’s industrial runoff. Now that’s a win-win! The existing reserves of non-toxic Play-Doh will be used to create bricks for low cost housing.

Power Rangers

For the past thirty years, the Power Rangers and their million spin-offs have heroically fought to protect the world from recycled footage of Japanese stuntmen. But isn’t it time they use their power and range to help out against real villains? In their next series, Power Rangers: Liberty Force, a new group of teenagers with attitude will kick the crap out of actual threats to society, like trans people, environmentalists, and anybody who still calls it Twitter. Their orders will come from Zordon’s son Better Zordon, played by Elon Musk himself, and also the Pink Ranger is in love with him. Oh, and the Zords are Cybertrucks.

Scrabble

A certain word formerly worth 8 points is now worth 14 trillion.

Sorry!

Discontinued for encouraging players to apologize for their actions.

Transformers

The Autobots will now all transform into Teslas and SpaceX rockets, while the Decepticons will turn into a robust public transportation system. When they’re not fighting to keep Earth’s energon reserves for themselves, everyone’s favorite robots will spend their free time drawing the worst pictures you’ve ever seen in your life.

Masters of the Universe

First, we’re going to make it so Skeletor canonically loves…what do you mean this is Mattel? Well how much are they? Fine, we’ll get them too if that’s what it takes.

You know, de facto control of the government will be fun and all, but it lacks that little personal touch of petty sadism that separates your regular everyday evil billionaires from Based Memelord Elon Musk. But being able to take away all of your own childhood memories…you just can’t put a price on that. He can, though.

Studio Begins Animated Remake of Beloved Live-Action Retelling of Cherished Animated Classic

Posted on by Dan Katz

HOLLYWOOD — A major movie studio has confirmed that production has begun on an animated remake of a beloved live-action retelling of a cherished animated classic.

Studio Chief Executive Dominic Cobb assured fans that the recreation will remain true to the reinvention of the original, saying,

“We understand how much the first, first movie means to people and plan to revere it in this animated version of its live-action duplication. Our team of storytellers is excited to share our vibrant renewal of the recent lifelike redo of one of the world’s venerated hand-drawn films.”

Animation Director Casey Curry is excited for the opportunity to use modern technology to give audiences a fresh cartoon rendition of last decade’s true-to-life reprise of a childhood treasure.

“With today’s animation tools, we can bring the realistic versions of the adored digital ink and paint motion picture to a new level of illustrated glory,” Curry explained. “The expressiveness of the characters in every frame of the primary original was unparalleled. That will return in this modern do-over with the added benefit of improved subsurface scattering and 100 times the follicle-per-square-millimeter count of the original version. No, not that one, the one before this one.”

Isabel Salazar, the studio’s Chief Marketing Officer, sees all new, old ways to attract moviegoers and guarantee box office success. One key, she said, is to know your audience.

“The initial animated feature occupies a sacred space in a generation’s hearts. The live-action remake also exists. We don’t need to reinvent the reinvented wheel here,” Salazar explained. “Whether people want to relive the nostalgia of their childhood or young adulthood or whenever, or they want to see a facelift re-lifted but with…let’s say, better limb articulation…we really don’t have to do anything. This CGI reproduction of the prized, authentic-looking renovation of the vintage masterpiece is guaranteed to draw crowds.”

At press time, the film’s animators were spotted with notepads at a Flashback Cinema showing of The Polar Express.

Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present & Future Debut Radical New Strategy

Posted on by Matt Fresh

NEW YORK — In a shocking development, after hundreds of years spent haunting individuals into good behavior the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have debuted a radical new strategy; murder.

“We just finally decided that enough is enough and it’s time for a change,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “As we were gearing up for this year’s round of hauntings we realized that we have more people than ever before to haunt. We’ve been doing this for hundreds of years and the world has actually gotten worse. So we decided that it’s better to just kill these people.”

The first victim of the Ghosts new strategy was UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson whom the Ghosts shot and killed outside his hotel.

“We’ve dealt with this kind of guy before,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “He’s a rich guy who runs a company in a manner that lines his pockets while ruining lives. The company denies more claims than any other health insurance company which is saying a lot. This kind of guy usually requires a longer haunt than normal but they never change and even when they do it never lasts. So we weighed our options and figured, let’s just kill him so we possessed a guy and popped him”

While this new method of dealing with the cold hearted, greedy enemies of decency may seem extreme the Ghosts insist it’s necessary.

“What we’ve been doing may have worked in the 1800s but in the modern age it just doesn’t and we had to adapt,” said the Ghost of Christmas Future. “Our job is to make the world a better place and it’s become quite clear to us that haunting these terrible people to show them the negative effect they’re having on others and how it will end in an unfulfilled lonely life devoid of love just wasn’t working. But our job is to get rid of these deplorable people, now we’re just getting rid of them for good. If we can’t get them to make the world better then we’ll make it better by their absence. The CEO of an American Health Insurance company was an easy first target. But believe me, there will be a lot more killings in the future and I should know.”

At press time, polls indicate that in light of the new strategy the Ghosts popularity is the highest it’s been since they haunted Ebenezer Scrooge.

BREAKING: Nintendo Announces They Have Lost Shigeru Miyamoto Inside Super Nintendo World

Posted on by B.D.

OSAKA, Japan — Following the recent reveal of Super Nintendo World’s Donkey Kong Country expansion, Nintendo has issued a statement reporting that famed video game director Shigeru Miyamoto has gone missing within Universal Studios Japan.

“It was all very unexpected,” a Nintendo representative stated. “While filming our promotional video, we noticed Mr. Miyamoto appeared unusually worked up near the Mine Cart ride, which led to numerous retakes as he became increasingly distracted by the attraction. It was then, after finishing his segment with Mr. Kong, that he excused himself to the restroom. However, when he didn’t return, a park employee discovered an open window in the back and no sign of him. At this time, we are working under the assumption that he has not yet escap—left the premises.”

Universal has turned to increasingly unconventional methods to locate Mr. Miyamoto. Jackson Jones, the park’s head of security gave his thoughts on the situation.

“We’re taking this very seriously. He’s just a little guy, after all, and so we don’t know how long he’ll last out there. But we are remaining transparent that efforts have grown more difficult after a member of our team found that Mr. Miyamoto seems to have torn out his tracker. We’ve tried everything, having park employees walk around jangling keys, even having Donkey Kong going around the park looking sad hoping Miyamoto will come comfort him. We urge the public not to attempt to approach or capture Mr. Miyamoto if spotted, and to instead report it to the nearest staff member as he may become frightened and attack or run away.”

Internet theorists have called Miyamoto’s intentions into question after a recent leak from an undisclosed inside source alleged that Nintendo had limited his “outside time” to only 20 minutes a day. This has led to speculation that he is not missing at all but rather hiding.

“Oh, we’ve definitely seen him all over the place, but no one’s really taking us seriously,” said a park employee who wished to remain anonymous. “Honestly, I think that even if they did find him, they wouldn’t be able to catch him; he’s gotten weirdly good at hiding. It was a little funny at first, but now he’s starting to scare some of the guests. We’ve even had to stop the rides a couple times because he keeps sneaking on. But he’s been pretty chill, though. We leave some food and stuff out for him when we close up at night.”

At press time, Nintendo has assured the public that Mr. Miyamoto’s health and safety remain as their top priority, and are hopeful he will tucker himself out soon enough and return to the office.

Gamer Blames Failed Field Sobriety Test on Stick Drift

Posted on by Jack H.

MILWAUKEE — The closing arguments for the State of Wisconsin v. Peter Gundy were made today, with a self-represented Gundy making his final statements to the jury.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is totally bullshit man, if it wasn’t for the stick drift pulling me left I would have totally won,” remarked Gundy (33) to the jurors. Gundy, who has no legal training, decided to represent himself after he claimed his female public defender had “a man chin.”

According to court records, Gundy was stopped at a DUI checkpoint on the night of September 24th, 2024. Officers observed Gundy had glassy bloodshot eyes, smelled of alcohol and had slurred speech. In between all the slurs, Gundy admitted to having three self-brewed fermented G-Fuel drinks before getting behind the wheel and was asked to step out of the car.

“Gundy first attempted the ten step walk and turn test, which involves walking in a straight line heel to toe for ten steps before turning around and doing ten more,” said Officer O’Malley, the officer who pulled Gundy over. “Mr. Gundy made it two steps before falling off the line and proceeded to fall seven times during the test. He then proceeded to fail the one leg stand and eye movement tests. After the failed tests, he was taken to the station for a certified breath test where he blew a .218 BAC. He was arrested and charged with DUI.”

Gundy’s strategy at trial was to shift the blame to the stick drift and attack the validity of the field sobriety tests.

“There was stick drift which made me fall. Companies like Nintendo and Sony think they can put out cheap products to the detriment of elite gamers like me. Even if there wasn’t stick drift, those games were poorly designed bullshit and don’t reflect my skill level. I’m cracked and those officers were lazy and put quick time events into the traffic stop instead of spending time making immersive gameplay. That is the problem with modern gaming today, developers are too lazy to make things good.”

The prosecution called into question the stick drift claims and claimed if Gundy wanted to pass their field sobriety tests that he needed to be more skilled.

“Mr. Gundy is trying to claim that stick drift made him fail these tests, but in reality he is just a scrub who needs to git good,” said lead prosecutor Mark Garfield during his closing statement.

At press time, Gundy was declared guilty and sentenced to coach a ragtag team of esports athletes to a championship while regaining his humanity and passion for gaming.

Elderly President Too Distracted by Wayward Son to Fight Anti-Democratic Conspiracy

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

NEW YORK — Disgraced president George Sears, also known as Solidus Snake, was unable to execute his plan to restore American liberty after expending all of his effort dealing with his adoptive son Jack’s troublesome behavior, sources confirm.

“No reasonable person who looks at the facts of Jack’s cases can reach any other conclusion than Jack was singled out only because he is my son—and that is wrong,” wrote Sears in a statement before he confronted his son atop Federal Hall. “There has been an effort to break Jack—who has been living with injected nanomachines for five and a half years, even in the face of unrelenting attacks and selective prosecution. In trying to break Jack, they’ve tried to break me—and there’s no reason to believe it will stop here. Enough is enough. I have no choice but to drop everything and kill him myself.”

Internet users reacted to Sears’ sudden shift of policy.

“For so long now, he’s been adamant that he was overthrowing the United States government,” said X user @George_Washington, whose listed pronouns were “la-li-lu-le-lo” and who stopped posting after being asked who David Mayer was. “Now, all of a sudden, it’s about how this shadowy cabal has been treating his son unfairly and controlling the world’s economy through massive censorship? I think Sleepy George has lost the plot.”

Some of Sears’ allies were also critical of his behavior.

“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my consistency,” said Revolver Ocelot, one of Sears’ top lieutenants. “To see the former president reveal that his stated motives were all a smokescreen and he was actually trying to get away with some crazy, convoluted scheme? That’s just unthinkable to me. That’s the story here, and it’s what everyone should focus on: that Sears was speaking out of both sides of his mouth, and that ol’ Revolver Ocelot’s loyalty is not in question.”

At press time, the Supreme Court ruled that Sears’ hijacking of Arsenal Gear was an official act of office despite the fact that it took place after his term, granting him immunity from prosecution.

Man Who Will Never Know the Touch of a Woman Fervently Casts Vote for “Best Jiggle Physics” at Real Game Awards

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

GARY, Ind. — Gary resident Eric Biggins, who goes by the online alias TigBittyEnjoyer69 despite the fact that he has never touched a breast, has cast his vote for “Best Jiggle Physics” for The Real Game Awards, sources confirm. 

“The fact that his award show has never had a jiggle physics category should, frankly, invalidate the entire thing,” said Biggins on his podcast, “The Boob Slidercast.” “Keighley doesn’t understand gamers. I mean, he let a video poker game like what my grandma plays on her iPad be nominated for game of the year. What the fuck is a Balatro? More like Wokelatro.”

“The founders of The Real Game Awards understand gamers. It definitely isn’t just a way for them to make money off of the performative outrage they manufacture. They know Real Gamers will pay $30/year, like I did, for the chance to vote on the things they care about, like objectifying women. Just because I’ve never seen a naked woman that wasn’t on my grease-spotted monitor doesn’t mean I should be excluded from voting on how realistically their T&A jiggle in a video game.”

One of the co-founders of The Real Game Awards, Kabrutus, thanked Mr. Biggins for his support and shout out on his podcast in posts on X, The Everything App.

“@TigBittyEnjoyer69 is right! It’s about time award show nominees were taken out of control of people who make videos, write about, and play games for a living, and placed in the hands of people who are willing to pay me and my co-founders $30/year,” Kabrutus said. “Gamers are tired of being preached to and told what to think. That’s why I founded deidetected.com, so gamers don’t have to think at all. They can just look at the list of games I’ve curated and know they shouldn’t waste their money. That’s true freedom.”

Stuttering Craig, another of the new award show’s co-founders, echoed Kabrutus’ sentiments.

“Giving myself and my co-founders money is the only guaranteed way to fight the woke takeover of video games,” said Stuttering Craig. “We’re the only ones who can fix it. Ask your mom for money, cancel a different subscription because they are probably churning out DEI content anyway, sell some plasma, ignore the looks you get at the sperm bank and go back there again. Do whatever you have to do to send us money. You think any of this comes cheap? We need your money to fight wokeness, and we’re the only ones who can stop it. How much clearer can I say it? Give us your fucking money or the woke mob will come to your house and butcher your entire family.”

At press time, Biggins was torn between casting his ballot for Eve(Boobs) and Eve(Ass) on the Real Game Awards website.

Seasonal Depression? Good News! This Year It Comes With a Battle Pass

Posted on by B.D.

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — A newly announced battle pass for this year’s entry of “Seasonal Depression” promises to help users cope with the winter months by earning little treats after completing simple everyday tasks.

“Since I took on this new role, my focus has been on ensuring we provide the best experience to our most dedicated sufferers,” a former EA executive stated. “So far we’ve learned, for there to be a greater sense of accomplishment, it needs to be more about engaging, and not just enduring. With this new paid model, fans have the option to earn what they would have previously received for free, allowing them to feel better about themselves and their daily struggles, by completing daily challenges. We feel this will be met with overwhelming positivity and no backlash whatsoever.”

Some of the more promising tiers include stickers for drinking water, a ‘like’ on a social media post for showering, phone calls from your mom for going to work, and even a late-night Taco Bell run for enjoying any of your favorite hobbies.

“To be honest, I’m more a fan of their ‘Clinical’ series than the ‘Seasonal’ stuff, but I’m definitely enjoying this year’s release so far,” one enthusiastic fan said. “I went to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and managed not to cry alone in my apartment afterward, so I got this sick new feeling that I can’t quite describe. And I’m getting really close to finishing the ‘wake up before two o’clock’ tier, but you have to actually get out of bed for it to count and I just… can’t sometimes… you know? But yeah, I think more people should totally check it out.”

Dr. Aymahl Gewd, head of the Mental Health Awareness Association, gave their professional take on this unusual trend.

“Despite some of my patients calling this new practice a ‘major win,’ we would not officially endorse it as a legitimate form of mental health treatment. Though some rewards like ‘a hug from a friend for brushing your teeth’ or ‘a smile from a stranger if you go outside for more than five minutes’ are certainly enticing, we will always recommend the proven methods of light therapy, self-care, and social connection over anything.”

“That said, while no amount of Taco Bell or social media engagement will fully replace the act of bettering oneself, sometimes it is just what you need to help get through the day.”

At press time, positive reception has led to early development of two new “Depression” seasons of content called “The Next Four Years” and “Existential Dread.” Rumors suggest these new releases will be free bonus add-ons everyone will have to go through, and will mostly consist of community rewards for absolutely insane challenges nobody but you seem to be worried about.

Here Are All the Games That Merrick Garland Played Instead of Doing His Job

Posted on by Casey Smith

Editor’s Note: The following list was emailed to Hard Drive from Merrick Garland’s official Justice Department email address. He has reportedly been sending it to numerous outlets, calling it his “magnum opus” and explaining that it is the culmination of nearly four years of constant effort. While other publications have elected not to publish Garland’s list, we believe that the American people deserve to know what our nation’s top lawyer has been up to since 2021.

Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham

I get that Batman is the hero here, but you gotta give credit to the Joker too. It’s like Trump being a threat to democracy, but, like, could democracy even exist without a counterpoint? Think about it, man.

Limbo

Anytime I eat White House cafeteria meatloaf I think of gray, which makes me think of Limbo. Shortly afterwards, I’ll find myself playing Limbo until my legs completely fall asleep in the stall (passing meat) as I think about this little boy trapped in an endless death loop. I’ll believe car accident theories or tree house slip and falls in regards to the kid’s demise, but (as attorney general) the idea of a kid navigating childhood with only a small bit of gun violence isn’t tethered to reality.

Pokémon Go

This might seem like dull trivia, but the White House is six stories high and over 55,000 square feet. That makes it perfect for catching Kanto Pokémon or hatching rare eggs. It takes a lot of effort maintaining maxed out Pokémon, which is why I always look so busy on my work phone. This year, I even got so distracted trying to take over the local gym that I forgot to vote. Oops!

Super Mario Run

Mario immigrated via plumbing and Trump is probably going to have none of that, so I’m enjoying this while I can. If anything, Mario and Luigi probably voted for Trump so that Wario and Waluigi get deported, but in the end we’ll all lose here.

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

I once heard Biden say, “What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets,” two years ago before he pardoned a turkey as he stroked its feathered back. I laughed and asked him, “Oh, you like that game too?” Biden said he had never heard of it.

Lego Jurassic World

Yeah, another Lego game. However, this game is basically like working in The West Wing:

  1. You’re surrounded by dinosaurs.
  2. You can’t die in the game, you just keep failing up.

Also, Biden genuinely does forget that you’re there if you don’t move, and I swear to God that Marjorie Taylor Greene once unfurled a neck frill and spat venom at me.

Fallout Shelter

I feel like I helped make this—not in a game engineering universe, but in a bad way. We already have a Deep Underground Military Base (DUMB) in Hawaii, and the game highlights American exceptionalism with blind patriotism, but those sorts of narratives go right over my head.

Doom

I’m barred from most internal meetings and electronics in the building here because anytime there’s an opportunity I’ll say, “But can it run Doom?” even though I know I’ll get absolutely no response. The Evangelical Christians here think I’m on my “lefty crap” when I play this game because there’s no LGBTQIA+ communities, minorities, or fellow Senator friends in Hell.

Crazy Taxi Classic

I remember the day I got my highest score on this game. Nobody cheered for me. Nobody clapped. That day was January 6th, 2021 and I’m still upset being ignored like that.

Final Fantasy (Series)

I’m kinda limited to mobile gaming now, but I’m hoping to get back into console gaming in January, because y’all know I’m a sucker for the Final Fantasy series. I’d be playing them now, but White House staff took my consoles away because they “interfere with work” or whatever that’s supposed to mean. I can’t wait til this stupid job is over.

Right-Wing Gamer Just Thinks Mecha-Hitler Did a Lot of Good Things for Castle Wolfenstein

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WINTHROP HARBOR, Ill. — Local conservative video game enthusiast Kyle Sturver found himself arguing for the supposed merits of “Wolfenstein” 3D boss Mecha-Hitler, sources report.

“You have to understand, dude, that Castle Wolfenstein was in complete shambles when Mecha-Hitler came to power,” Sturver argued. “Operation Eisenfaust hadn’t even gotten off the ground, and Dr. Schabbs had no real direction with his undead armies. I’m not saying Mecha-Hitler was good, so don’t go telling people I did. I just think the whole situation is a lot more nuanced than the lamestream media wants you to believe. You only need to open your eyes and do your own research.”

Sturver’s friend Eric Miller reacted to this explanation.

“I don’t think Kyle gets it,” Miller offered. “Whatever minor good Mecha-Hitler might have done for Castle Wolfenstein kind of gets thrown out the window by the enormity of his misdeeds, so it’s not really worth bringing up. Can you honestly say the small amount of order Mecha-Hitler brought to his subjects is relevant when you can clearly see Castle Wolfenstein crawling with Zombie Guards, Pac Man Ghosts, and Killer Dogs? Anyone with half a brain can clearly see a place like that is not being run by a morally upstanding individual.”

Sociologist Zahra Brenner addressed the phenomenon of right-wing gamers excusing the atrocities committed by famous bosses.

“This is definitely something I’ve seen an uptick of in recent years,” Brenner said. “Whether it’s Bowser apologists saying the Mushroom Kingdom needed a ‘strong leader,’ or unabashed fans of Mr. X who point to the slight increase in bar patronage in Wood Oak City under the influence of his crime syndicate, modern-day conservatives are really threading the needle when it comes to examining these villains. In my professional opinion, they need to take a step back and examine these monsters more holistically.”

At press time, Sturver was heard saying that Ganondorf’s defeat at the hands of Link in Tears of the Kingdom was illegitimate, and that Hyrule would be a lot better off if he returned to power.