Marvel Increases Movie Ticket Prices to Cover Rising Cost of Hidden Easter Eggs

Posted on by RJ Dralle

BURBANK, Calif — To combat inflation in America, Marvel Studios announced earlier this morning that they will be raising their movie ticket prices in order to cover the rising cost of hidden easter eggs.

“It’s already hard enough to afford anything after giving Robert Downey Jr. another billion dollars. Now with egg prices going up, we had to do something,” stated Marvel Studios CEO Kevin Feige.

Feige told reporters that this was not the first idea they had to help alleviate the price hike for themselves.

“We first thought about not having any more easter eggs in our films. But people love seeing an infinity stone hidden somewhere or a nod to X-Men who we’ll never actually give a real movie to,” said Feige. “We then had another idea that we would cover the hidden easter eggs with a paywall where audience members could scan a QR code to see what was hiding in the scene. But that got complicated when we realized that most of our movies are just one big easter egg for another movie.”

While the price hike may deter fans from going to the theaters, Marvel Studios assured fans that the extra price is worth it.

“We don’t want to spoil anything for the new Captain America: Brave New World movie, but the hidden easter egg rhymes with Schmephisto,” teased director Julius Onah.

Disney CEO Bob Iger also spoke to reporters about the recent egg price hike before boarding his private jet leaving for his French château.

“Look! We are all hurting with these price hikes. But you have my word that Disney will never hike the price of easter eggs within our streaming services.”

At press time, Disney Plus announced a membership price increase for those who want to see easter eggs in any Disney movie including Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar.

What Your Marvel Rivals Main Says About How You’ll Die

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Every good gaming journalist knows that who you choose to main in “Marvel Rivals” says a lot about who you are as a person: your star sign, your favorite color, maybe even what you ate for breakfast this morning. But did you know that such a choice also has grim implications for the method by which you’ll meet your mortal end? That’s right! Your go-to “Marvel Rivals” character reveals the exact way you, the reader, will eventually perish, and we’ve used our crystal ball to lay out the precise, agonizing, gory details of it all. Keep scrolling to find out how you die!

Iron Man

If you’re an Iron Man main, a classic and ironic twist of fate is in store for you: you’ll be run over by a self-driving Tesla that didn’t see you because its AI was watching Bridgerton on one of those big-ass screens. Jarvis, play “Despacito”, please.

Captain America

If you main Captain America, you’re probably a true patriot who loves your country through and through. ‘Murica, brother. Unfortunately for you, the infrastructure of that very country is what will kill you. You guessed it: your health insurance won’t cover the cost of expensive medical bills. It won’t be the ailment that actually does you in, but rather the heart attack you’ll have upon seeing the amount you’re being charged.

Thor

Unfortunately for the Thor mains out there, the one thing the God of Thunder can’t smite with Mjolnir is his crippling beer addiction. Your own proclivity for hops-fueled IPAs and hearty Irish stouts will eventually lead to death by alcohol poisoning.

Hulk (or “The Hulk” if ya nasty)

Hulk mains basically think they’re invincible, and ‘twill be hubris that leads to their downfall. I wouldn’t put it past you guys to step in front of a truck to stop it or try to jump off of a tall building because you think you’ll hit the superhero landing. There is also a chance you’ll wear your heart out trying to pick up a heavy boulder like it’s Wolverine.

Spider-Man

You will die via strangulation by your friends after telling them you main Spider-Man.

Black Widow

I know what you’re thinking, you sick pervs. “Uh-huh-huh, death by snu-snu”, “smothered by thighs”, etc. Well, get those thoughts out of your head! Only the female Black Widow mains get death by snu-snu. The rest of you will be taken out by a Russian firing squad.

Hawkeye

Like Ralphie’s mom tells him in A Christmas Story, “you’ll shoot your eye out!” Either that or you’ll fall to your death trying to zipline down from the second floor of your house into your backyard. The crystal ball is a little fuzzy sometimes.

Black Panther

Bad news for Black Panther mains: you will all be killed by your mothers after you accidentally scratch your younger sibling in the face trying to emulate his Vibranium Claws. You can’t see me, but I’m doing a “Wakanda Forever” salute in your honor.

Scarlet Witch

Scarlet Witch’s ult and overall moveset is one of the most powerful in the game’s roster, and it may cause you new fans to want to read more about Wanda in the comics. Doing so, however, will inevitably cause psychic damage so severe that you will pass away instantly. House of M fans will understand.

Namor

Namor is essentially Marvel’s coolest incel, and you, his mains, have been pepper-sprayed in the face so many times you’ve built up an immunity at this point. But one of these days you’re going to let loose one comment that’s too out-of-pocket and the “Sue Storm” you’re pursuing will turn around and beat you to death – in public, no less.

Iron Fist

Iron Fist mains, you will break every bone in your bodies after trying to do his signature triple jump/aim a flying kick at the Bruce Lee posters on your concrete dorm walls. Even in death, you have to admit: kind of deserved.

The Punisher

Gunned down by cops outside the school you’re shooting up.

Squirrel Girl

Anyone who mains Squirrel Girl is either in jail or deserves to be. You’ll be taken out in the most fitting way possible: a perfectly-flung rock to the head from a makeshift slingshot two cells over. You’ll probably just want the obituary to say you were shanked by a rival gang or something, though.

Moon Knight

I just know you Moon Knight mains are all booking flights to Egypt and getting lost in the desert after your therapists told you you need to get out more. Unfortunately, not even Marc’s mighty ult can save you from heat stroke and dehydration. Just hope Khonshu doesn’t resurrect you.

Luna Snow

I’m gonna be completely and utterly transparent with you all, here: even as a comic book fan, I had no idea who Luna Snow was before writing this list. But it seems like she’s Marvel’s answer to D.Va from Overwatch, except with ice powers. She’s a K-Pop star, so I’ll say that you all will probably get trampled by the crowds trying to get to the front of a Blackpink show and mosh. Yeah, that seems pretty fitting.

Wolverine

If you’re a Wolverine main, I can only guess that you really enjoy being double-bounced on the trampoline in your backyard. And unfortunately, that’s exactly how you’ll bite it: getting a little too much air and underestimating how high you’ve gone. What goes up must indeed come down…sorry it doesn’t work exactly like the Hulk team-up ability.

Magneto

Continuing with the X-Men theme, I have good news for the Magneto mains. You get to go out in perhaps the most based way of all: killin’ Nazis. There are lots of ‘em popping up again nowadays, and you’re the ones who’ll take one for the team in the pursuit of justice (and by that I mean taking a bullet to the head while going absolutely ham on some alt-right motherfuckers.) I’m not even a Magneto main and even I can admit, that’s pretty awesome.

Storm

Now, I could say that you’ll die by getting struck by lightning or whatever, but in reality, I think the more likely outcome is that all you Storm mains will die because you’ll be ogling at Ororo’s sheer magnificence as your partner walks into the room.

Magik

Magik mains, you will inevitably slice yourselves up with the model knight’s sword that’s hanging on your walls after you try to replicate her Magik Slash. Either that or you’ll fall down the stairs and break your neck at Comic-Con after finding that your replica of her sword is way too heavy.

Psylocke

Ah, the elusive Psylocke main. You probably think your martial arts and swordsmanship skills are pretty sharp, huh? THINK FAST- haha, just kidding. This is an article, I can’t see you. But for real, you will die when your Iron Fist-main partner accidentally closes your throat with a karate chop during a sparring session.

Doctor Strange

You Doctor Strange motherfuckers will kick the bucket after you summon a demon to help you “get better at the game.” Some real Fullmetal Alchemist shit.

Loki

Much like the Namor mains, and the real Loki himself, it’s your own obnoxious mouths that are going to bring about your eventual doom at the hands of someone much bigger and stronger than you – but just when everyone thinks you’re down for the count, it turns out that you were alive the whole time…or were you?

Jeff The Land Shark

You people will die trying to pet some animal that could very easily rip you apart. And it will, and you’ll deserve it.

Hela

Lucky for Hela mains, your deaths will be rather exciting: you’ll be right in the middle of trying out some real kinky shit in the bedroom. Whips, flogs, chokers and the like…but it will go too far very quickly. That’s what you get for telling your partner you suddenly want to “experiment” more.

Venom

Oof, I wouldn’t wish this one on my worst enemy. In your futures, Venom mains, my crystal ball sees an alien abduction and subsequent experimentation on you until death. Luckily, when the aliens arrive on Earth, we can feed you all to them first. Let’s just hope they don’t bring symbiotes with them.

Cloak & Dagger

Now, there are a couple of ways this could go, and each is equally painful. In one vision, I see you visiting the city of London and getting stabbed in a dark alley because you weren’t careful about where you were going. In another, I see you taking your own life after you were cancelled for writing some really weird things about interracial couples on X.

Star-Lord

Picture this: you’re in the midst of listening/singing along to your very-finely-curated 70’s rock playlist (that you did NOT just get from James Gunn) while out on a leisurely drive in your newly-restored Chevy Vega. The music will be so loud, however, that you won’t notice the 18-wheeler speeding towards you at the intersection.

Rocket Raccoon

You tech-and-firearm-obsessed fiends will meet your maker by way of finally getting your hands on that assault rifle that your MAGA neighbor offered to sell you. All shiny and new, you’ll lift the heavy thing to fire at some targets in your backyard, and the recoil will instantly crush your entire rib cage. Did that one go the way you thought it was going to? I bet it didn’t.

Groot

You may be Groot, but you’re also dead as hell, boy. Your green thumb-lookin’ ass will probably be walking through a field or meadow and stop to smell the roses, only the plant you actually picked up wasn’t roses, but poison hemlock. Should’ve consulted the field guide, there, buddy.

Mantis

You will die from eating too many bugs.

Winter Soldier

Sorry, soldats, but Winter Soldier mains will be killed by a Ukrainian infantryman after you travel to Russia and are conscripted into their army (they need every able-bodied person they can get on the front lines.) I don’t make the rules, I just read what the ol’ ball tells me. Your sleeper agent instincts are bound to kick in.

Adam Warlock

Adam Warlock mains, you people confuse me – being a healing support character is great and all, but out of all the iconic characters in Marvel’s roster, you choose this guy? Anyway, your untimely demise will arrive when you huff too much spray paint trying to get your skin all shiny and golden for Comic-Con.

Peni Parker

All of the Peni Parker mains have a sacred duty to pilot the EVAs and prevent the coming of the Third Impact. Unfortunately, that does mean you will probably be killed by an Angel along the way. Any other weebs get that one? Nice.

Mr. Fantastic

If you’re a Mr. Fantastic main, you like things that are new and are probably a bandwagon player. You will die after a vein in your forehead pops when arguing with other players online about whether Reed is smarter than T’Challa and Tony Stark, but more importantly, how far his massive cock can stretch.

Invisible Woman

Hey, quick question: are you a big Jessica Alba fan? Actually, never mind, don’t answer that. Invisible Woman is the latest Marvel character to join the Rivals roster, and if you main her, you’re probably pretty shy. Your demise will come after a metal curtain rod falls directly on your head as you hide from your mother, who’s yelling at you for not making your bed or doing any dishes all week.

Letterboxd User Gives Movie Two Star Rating As If It Actually Fucking Mattered

Posted on by Peter Collier

NEW YORK — A Letterboxd user known as BuzzedLightyear has created a media firestorm after scoring one of the year’s biggest blockbusters with a two star rating.

“Aaron Taylor-Johnson is this films only saving grace,” says Mr. Lightyear in his lengthy, expletive-ridden review on the app. “It was so dark, so dull, and so diverted from the original source material, that even ATJ can’t save this one.”

Letterboxd is a free platform open to any cinephile or first time movie watcher. However, many of the 17 million users on Letterboxd are involved in the entertainment industry in some form or fashion, which makes the 2 star review such a controversial issue.

“I mean, I wouldn’t go below a three [stars]. Ever,” said a friend of BuzzedLightyear, who asked to remain anonymous as he is an aspiring actor. “What if an actor in the movie sees my review? What if the Director sees it? What if a Hollywood Producer sees it. Buzzed isn’t in the industry but now he’ll never be able to break in if he wanted,” he continued. When asked to comment further, the friend raised one hand as he dialed his agent’s phone number with the other.

BuzzedLightyear’s review was so controversial, it reached Letterboxd Founders Matthew Buchanan and Karl Von Randow’s inboxes.

“We never expected anyone would dare go below a three-star rating,” said Buchanan, “we forgot film enthusiasts love to shit on work they had no hand in creating.” When asked what he would score Kraven the Hunter [the movie at the center of all this controversy], Mr. Von Randow admitted “I mean, yeah, I’d probably give it a two as well.”

At press time, when asked if he had any regrets scoring the film so low, Mr. Lightyear shouted “NO! AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN IF I HAVE TO,” with James Cagney flare, before being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car.

Visibly Aroused Phil Spencer Sits in Corner Watching Xbox Game Played on PS5

Posted on by Simon Bower

REDMOND, Wash — Local gamer Billie Reed was surprised late last night when they noticed Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer watching from a dimly lit corner of the room while they played a first-party Xbox game on their PlayStation 5.

“I’d heard a lot of good things about Pentiment, so when I saw it was 50% off on PlayStation I figured I’d pick it up,” Reed posted to social media. “Almost immediately I started to hear these weird groaning sounds…but since the game’s set in medieval Bavaria I thought maybe that was just the voice-acting? It was only when I went to quit the game and a voice behind me moaned ‘please, don’t stop’ that I turned around and saw Phil Spencer, seated in an armchair in the corner, face lit only by the glow of the cigarette dangling from his lips. ‘Don’t look at me,’ he whimpered, ‘just keep playing.’”

Reed went on to describe in detail how Spencer, dressed in a Battletoads T-shirt and nothing else, seemed to take perverse pleasure in watching them play the formerly Xbox-exclusive narrative adventure game on what he repeatedly described as a “superior hunk of hardware”.

“As I played, he kept talking about how I could have gotten this game for free on Game Pass,” Reed continued, “Then he asked if I had a Nintendo Switch, and when I told him I didn’t, he transferred $1000 to my bank account so that he could watch me order one, along with a copy of Hi-Fi Rush. Leaning over my shoulder, he whispered ‘You know we put out that game, it was a big success and then we shut down the studio anyway? We’re soooo naughty.’”

At a press conference earlier today, the Microsoft Gaming CEO breathily explained that he sees this kind of console cuckoldry as the future of the industry.

“I know some Xbox fans are concerned as they watch me watch more of our IP ported to stronger, more virile consoles,” began Spencer after unzipping the mouth of his gimp mask, “Our dream is that this leads to a more polyamorous future for gaming: where Neil Druckmann can lay handcuffed to his bed watching The Last of Us Part II on a Switch 2, or Shigeru Miyamoto can self-flagellate while you play Super Mario Odyssey on whatever our next Xbox is called.” Spencer began grinding the podium as he continued. “But our naughty little consoles haven’t earned that yet, so no matter how much we beg and plead for Sony and Nintendo to give us what we want, Xbox isn’t going to get that release it – oh god – so desperately needs.”

At press time, Spencer could be heard ferociously moaning from the bathroom after the topic of Halo coming to PS5 was brought up.

Band Kids Not as Excited to Play Persona Medley as Teacher Hoped

Posted on by Peter Cunis

PLYMOUTH, NH — Despite his best efforts, Plymouth Public High School’s band teacher Jerry Bathman has seen little to no enthusiasm for their winter concert’s finale number, “Persona Across the Years”, a piece arranged by Paul Dukovsky and based on the works of Shoji Meguro. 

“It’s perplexing to me,” says Bathman, “I ordered the sheet music from Alfred Music and left it on the music stands first thing in the morning, like a little surprise. I expected everyone to see it and get really pumped. Instead, they all just sat down, got out their instruments, and let out exasperated sighs.”

The band students gave a variety of reasons for their lack of excitement.

“I mean, we’re not very good,” said French horn player Bailey McColbert, ‘26, “We just barely learned ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ last week. Now we’re learning a seven-minute jazz medley?”

Percussionist Gary Planter, ‘27, offered another explanation.

“Bro, I’ve never played these games, but some of them are older than me,” said Planter. “I think Mr. Bathman is the only person in the whole school who plays them.”

Sheri Baldwin, ‘25, added, “I don’t play video games. I literally did not know this was supposed to be exciting.”

PPHS’s faculty also weighed in on the issue. 

“Mr. Bathman does his best to engage his students and meet them on their level,” said Principal Bruce Parson, “Okay, but also, it really feels like these concerts are a 37-year-old nerd’s idea of music. Last year was a Star Wars thing. The year before was something called a cowboy bebop? And now this Personal or Person thing, whatever it is. I don’t know what this is. I guess it’s a cartoon about high schools full of perverts? I feel like we’re going to get complaints about this.”

Plymouth Public High School’s winter concert will take place on March 1st in the gymnasium, as the heat in the auditorium is still not working.

Judge Asks Defendant to Stop Calling the Jury ‘Chat’

Posted on by Garrison DeSieno

TACOMA, Wash. — A local judge has repeatedly reprimanded a Twitch streamer charged with defamation for referring to the jury as, “chat,” sources outside the courthouse confirm.

“Look at this clip, chat,” said Todd Gardner, who is being sued for making spurious claims about competing speedrunners. “There’s no shot this dude can whistle sprint out of the Shrine of Awakening that fast! It took me 100 hours to perfect that out of bounds clip. And as you know, truth is an iron-clad defense against claims of defamation. Thanks for the bits. Sorry, force of habit.”

The plaintiffs in the case attest that Gardner used his large sub count and influence to defame all other top 10 Breath of the Wild Any% speedrunners, directly resulting in official reviews from speedrun.com and removal from upcoming Games Done Quick lineups. 

“He told his mods to time out anyone who mentioned other runners because it was messing with his flow,” said Jaylen Graham, who competes in the same category as Gardner. “It’s just like how he keeps trying to get the bailiff to ‘kick’ any of my co-plaintiffs and I whenever we take the stand to testify against him. Yeah, when he refers to the ‘mod,’ he’s talking about the bailiff.”

After several similar outbursts, Gardner was held in contempt of court.

“You have blatantly disrespected both myself, my bailiff, and this jury with your failure to abide by the rules of this court,” said Judge Sandra Cooper. “It’s not just that you can’t string two sentences together without pausing to shout out gift subs. It’s not even that you asked to run a poll to audit the jury’s reaction in real time. No, the final straw was after I reprimanded you, and you told the bailiff to ‘ban’ me. Your Gen Z vernacular, after being explained to me by my niece, is completely out of line!”

At press time, Todd Gardner has been sentenced to a six month ban from Twitch along with the repayment of every gift sub he had received during his latest 48 hour stream. His 9th place BOTW Any% run has also been scrubbed from the leaderboards.

Opinion: My Coffee Table Has Gone Woke (Guest Column From a Guy Who Stubbed His Toe 3 Seconds Ago)

Posted on by Testament Crux

Yowch, that smarts! Sound the alarm bells, true patriots! Following an incident no less than three seconds ago, I’m sorry to inform you all that my coffee table has gone fully woke. I was just bringing a tall glass of raw unpasteurized milk to the living room so that I could play some Helldivers 2 without really thinking about the game’s overall themes. That’s when it happened: my toe was suddenly stubbed by my antifa DEI coffee table, a devastating blow that left me wracked with pain. That’s right: you’re not even safe from liberal attacks in your own home. Is nothing sacred to the left? Jesus, I hope I didn’t break something. Is that broken? Hm, no, I think we’re good. Still though, ouch.

This is no joke—I could’ve been killed. Forty-six seconds ago, my sock-clad big toe collided with the southeast leg of my coffee table at approximately 2.7 miles per hour. Following the stubbing, I was quoted as saying, “Gaaaaah, fuck! Son of a fucking bitch! Oh God, that’s a mother! Oh geez, ohohoho, ohhhhh boy, oh, that did one hell of a number on me.” My wife reports that I was loud enough to wake the kids, though this has been contested.

I ordered this TONSTAD oak veneer coffee table from IKEA as a housewarming gift for my wife on April 4th of last year. Little did I know that when I gave them my shipping address, I was actually doxxing myself. The attack on my family wouldn’t launch until well after the 180-day return period, however. After I retaliated by leaving a one-star review for the item, IKEA had this to say: “We apologize for any inconvenience. We’ll be sure to share your feedback with our sales leaders for internal review and future design improvements.” Can you believe it? Not one single mention of the woke mind virus that’s clearly infected the company! I’ll be buying from Bob’s from now on, thank you very much!

I urge you all, my brothers in arms against the woke terrorists, to join me in a boycott against IKEA. I’ve already posted a video of myself using the Satanic coffee table as firewood in my backyard. However, when I showed the woke mob that I’m not afraid of them, they only tried to silence me harder than ever. Due to an unrelated and entirely coincidental wildfire that burned down half my neighborhood, a woke state prosecutor is now attempting to press charges against me, using my awesome table-burning TikTok as evidence. According to her, “You can literally see the defendant flinging chunks of flaming wood behind the treeline.” Luckily, the Lord Almighty already sent President Trump to pardon me for my participation in the January 6th fight for freedom, so I’m confident that He will protect me a second time (God or Trump, whoever comes first).

Next week, I’ll be back with another column on the dangers of my wife’s woke divorce papers.

Game Night: It’s Good Vibes Only In ‘Spirit Swap,’ Except When It Isn’t

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Spirit Swap sells itself as a chill, low stakes/lo-fi match-3 puzzle game with relentlessly cheerful vibes. It is also a head-to-head fighter with neither justice nor mercy in its heart.

You could play this to wind down after a long day. You could also play it to tear apart your closest human relationships. Spirit Swap contains multitudes.

Granted, some of that’s on me. If I’m playing a match-3 puzzle game, it’s probably Bejeweled 3 or one of its legions of imitators. Compared to those, Spirit Swap has its own unique rhythm, which I’m told is closer to 1995’s Tetris Attack than anything else. That’s been messing with me. Even after several hours in-game and clearing Spirit Swap’s story mode, I keep trying to set up combos that it isn’t equipped to permit.

Naturally, that isn’t Spirit Swap’s fault. It is what it is, and there’s no point in criticizing it for what it clearly isn’t. However, it does accidentally illustrate how the game is built around what’s effectively an identity crisis; it wants to be an old-school arcade throwback and a calming relaxation app and a queer dating sim, all at the same time. It’s a balancing act, and sometimes it spills over.

In Spirit Swap’s story mode, you play as Samar, who lives in the woods outside the coastal town of Demashq. Every night, Samar wanders around banishing spirits who’d otherwise wander into Demashq to cause mayhem, through (what we’re told is) a painless “swapping” process.

One day, Samar goes into town to check on her friends, who’re all dealing with their own mundane crises: overwork, a recent breakup, feeling unappreciated. Each of them is also up to their ears in spirits, which shouldn’t have been able to get this far into Demashq, so Samar swings into action.

Despite that description, there isn’t much actual conflict in Spirit Swap’s story. You wrap up the “besieged by ghosts” issue within an hour or two and then proceed to scheduling hangouts with Samar’s friends and associates, a few of which might potentially develop into a romance. In between each scene, you swap some spirits as part of informal competitions with Samar’s friends.

In each round of Spirit Swap, rows of shaped blocks appear from the bottom of the screen and move up over time. You can only move them horizontally, but arranging 3 or more of the same block in a row banishes the spirits and makes them disappear. In competitive rounds, you can also flood your opponent’s screen with garbage blocks by pulling off big combos, which lowers the amount of space they have to work with.

It might take you some time to wrap your head around Spirit Swap’s mechanics, especially if you’re like me and you come into it with some baggage from other games in the same lane. It’s a deliberate throwback to an era when falling-block puzzles weren’t automatically considered a casual-friendly genre, particularly when and if you play it against other people. It’s easy to learn, but timing, foresight, and reaction speed all count for a lot.

On the two lowest difficulties, you should be able to cruise through Spirit Swap on autopilot, which is arguably where the game thrives. It’s a big plate of comfort food by design, featuring a broadly diverse cast of characters who’re all effortlessly comfortable in their own skin. Samar herself has no real problems, her friends are all lovable dopes at worst, and even the spirits do nothing worse than make the occasional mess. If you want something to plug into so you can wall off the world for a while, Spirit Swap has got your back like a jacket.

On higher difficulties, however, Spirit Swap turns into a surprisingly competitive experience that takes some visible inspiration from arcade fighters. I ran through the story mode on the second highest difficulty, on the assumption that I’ve got some puzzle chops, and the CPU promptly handed me my teeth. I had to buckle down and figure out how Spirit Swap’s systems worked before I started making headway, and even then it was touch and go.

That was more than I expected I’d get. I went into Spirit Swap thinking I was in for a casual-friendly puzzle game that would depend heavily on its music and overall vibes. That’s not an unfair description, and you can have a perfectly good time with Spirit Swap if you’re looking for a joyously queer dating simulator or something to chill you out at the end of your day. I’d like to be able to change the music in Endless mode, but that’s the only suggestion I’d make.

Spirit Swap also has some surprise potential as a head-to-head multiplayer game, however, and that ended up being more interesting to me than the rest of the overall package. It could use a few tweaks to add some depth, but I could see this developing over time into a solid new entry in the puzzle-fighter genre.

[Spirit Swap: Lofi Beats to Match-3 To, published and developed by Soft Not Weak, is now available for Xbox and PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Soft Not Weak PR representative.]

Joe Biden Finally Tackles Steam Backlog

Posted on by Eddie Feeley

GREENVILLE, Del — Following his departure from the White House, Former President Joe Biden has resolved to use his new free time to finally tackle his Steam Backlog.

“I would just keep buying these games when I’d see them on sale, but I never had the time to sit down and play them,” said former President Biden in between generous licks of a vanilla swirl ice cream cone. “I was able to play so much stuff back when I was Vice President since I had so much time on my hands, but it turns out when you’re president they don’t give you any time for serious gaming. It’s a little intimidating to decide which one to start with. I haven’t even touched Baldur’s Age Erdtree but according to the forms that is a hell of a time sink. I remember back in my day you could be done with a game on a weekend, now it can take my entire remaining life expectancy.”

Biden’s wife Jill is reportedly pleased that her husband has found something to occupy his time now that he’s left office.

“I’m just glad Joe has something to do with his time,” said the former first lady. “It also helps that it isn’t a hobby he feels the need to flaunt about. Imagine if he got into painting or something like that. I’d rather jump into traffic than put up with another subpar art gallery from a former president.”

Video games historian Hester Grantiea spoke to the press to discuss the influence Biden’s presidency had on the last few years of gaming.

“The effects of the Biden presidency in gaming history is going to be noticed for another few years.” Grantiea said. “We as a culture need time to digest it. The last few years of gaming were taken up with villains that resemble Donald Trump or Elon Musk. The good news for Mr. Biden is that he won’t need to deal with any commentary about him or his lackluster actions, so he’ll be able to game in peace.”

At press time, Biden’s son Hunter has reportedly been trying to get him into Marvel Rivals, claiming that the characters are “rocking bodacious dump trucks”.

Sen. John Fetterman Wandering Capitol Building, Attacking Any Survivors

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — In hopes to combat the impending “woke mind virus” pandemic, the Trump Administration has turned Sen. John Fetterman into a Bio Organic Weapon (BOW) through injections of the Umbrella Corporation’s newly discovered t-Virus, sources in the Capitol confirm.

“We commend Senator Fetterman’s bipartisan support of this assault against the Democratic Party,” says Secretary of Defense, Pete Hegseth, in between hiccups and belches. “Fetterman’s already ogre-like body type made him the perfect guinea pig for unsanctioned medical experimentation.”

The Umbrella Corporation, which was recently purchased – and litigiously amended to be founded – by Elon Musk, has been developing the t-Virus for years. The recent Fetterman success is the first of many attempted trials on Democratic officials.

“Fetterman’s musculature and bone structure were far more suited for the t-Virus than our last subject, Dianne Feinstein,” says Umbrella scientist, Dr. Emily Capone. “She was willing to do anything to keep a DEI hire out of her seat on the Senate.”

Sen. Fetterman, per the President’s request, has been stationed in the Capitol Building, patrolling the halls with slow, echoing footsteps, ready to pursue any Democrat who voted against the nominees for Trump’s cabinet.

“John’s a great guy. Big guy, strong guy, he came up to me the other day, with tears in his eyes and said ‘Mr. President, please inject me with the Trump virus,’ that’s what the “T” stands for, right? If not it should be,” said the President during a recent press conference regarding inflation. “But we had to get him out of those clothes. We had to. Did you see what he wore to my inauguration? He looked like Barron after gym class. So we put a little hat on him, and a big trench coat. I think he looks great, doesn’t he look great, folks? Now that I know this wonderful virus works, Eric and Don Jr are gonna have great futures here let me tell you.”

At press time, Umbrella representative Nemesis has replaced Doug Burgum as Trump’s Secretary of the Interior.