CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios has officially announced that the next guest characters to be added to Mortal Kombat will be Costco Guys A.J. and Big Justice.
“I’m really excited to announce that we will be adding A.J. and Big Justice to Mortal Kombat 1,” said creative director Ed Boon. “It’s always a pleasure adding guest characters to the franchise that really fit in with the series and let the fans play out their fantasy battles. All of us at NetherRealm are big fans of the Costco Guys and are so excited to be able to work on unleashing the full power of the boom on the Kombat Universe in the upcoming Double Chunk Kaos Kookie dlc pack.”
Big Justice made a TikTok where he commented on him and his son being added to the game, expressing their excitement on becoming video game characters.
“We’re Costco guys so of course we spent hours playing the Arcade1Up Mortal Kombat machine that’s on display. To be added to this historic franchise is an honor. Me and A.J. will be bringing the BOOM to all your favorite fighters and showing them the true power of the DOUBLE CHUNK CHOCOLATE COOKIE. You’re gonna love playing as us and hitting our BOOM fatalities.”
Mortal Kombat fans had mixed reactions to the announcement.
“WHERE IS THE RIZZLER? HOW COULD THEY NOT ALSO ADD THE RIZZLER? ARE THEY STUPID? YOU CAN’T BRING THE BOOM WITHOUT THE RIZZLER,” tweeted Kanoussy.
Boon assured fans that Rizzler would appear as both a Kameo character and as part of both Big Justice and A.J’s fatalities.
“For this pack we really wanted to hone in on perfecting A.J and Big Justice and making Rizzler a fully playable character would have caused us to completely abandon A.J. Instead we’re adding Rizzler as a new Kameo character to use as support. In addition to this he will be part of one of A.J’s fatalities where together they rip their opponents limbs off one by one before performing a double boom splash that completely eviscerates the rest of the body. He also makes an appearance in Big Justice’s Double Chunk fatality where he hands Justice the bucket of double chunk chocolate cookies that he then shoves down his opponent’s throat until they explode.”
At press time, NetherRealm has hinted that Hawk Tuah girl could be the next guest character added.
I sound my horn. Not just any horn – my big ass Dr. Seuss horn. It’s just a goddamn whirly mess of brass. Like, this thing was just a pig to commission, let alone learn how to play. Whenever I have to blow into this absolute water slide of an instrument, I need to be medically revived almost every single time. But my oversized clarion horn is worth it for occasions like this.
Upon its blare, you all come running to the town square, suspicion on your wary faces. What could the news be? Predictions slip out excitedly:
“Did we do it? Did we reverse climate change using only renewable resources?”
“I know! We enacted Universal Health Care, and it was actually really easy!”
“Wait – are we having another Community Paper Shredding event, since those are famously very popular?”
No, no, and no, my sweet children. Today, we celebrate the greatest milestone of human civilization –
The word “cunt” is normalized in mainstream pop culture now.
Yes. It’s true. And with this superpower, there’s one clear first item of action: ranking all the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe vehicles by cuntiness, just as Shigeru Miyamoto intended.
41. GLA
This is Mario Kart, for fucks sake – not the mobile order pickup table at the Sweetgreen across from Lockheed Martin.* Who among divas is picking a reasonable yet luxurious compact SUV? If you’re picking this shit, you have never served cunt in your life, your wife hates you, and you should probably check on the Stouffer’s lasagna you left in the oven because somehow, you’re about to burn it.
*I used to think “Lockheed Martin” was what British people called a noogie. Life is so disappointing.
40. 300 SL Roadster
Aside from having less creative appeal than your late 50s coworker who just got really into Hawk Tuah, the product placement here is just baffling. What is the ideal outcome of this marketing decision? “Oh, why did I buy a Mercedes, you ask? Well, I was largely unswayed, until I remembered my test drive of it in the fictional terrain of Mario Kart 8. Yeah. I figured those awesome features I loved in the game, such as going forwards and backwards, would hold up in real life. And they do – for only 2,500 a month.” Getting swindled isn’t cunt.
39. Steel Driver
Submarines remind me of the Navy. The Navy reminds me of the 2012 action sci-fi flop, Battleship. The plot of that movie? War. And this submarine couldn’t serve if it was called into battle.
38. Biddybuggy
The Biddybuggy is a car that only exists to transport you to and from AJR concerts. Do with that what you will.
37. W 25 Silver Arrow
This looks like something that you’d build out of scrap metal in the 30s to go down Niagara Falls. You will not catch me pulling up to the club serving Evil Knievel’s chastity cage. Have some self respect.
36. Tanooki Kart
A few bonus points for the black and orange tiger stripes on the spare tire, but ultimately, pretty cuntless. Seemingly created for the existence of “Lock Her Up!” bumper stickers. The Tanooki Kart looks like it would rear end me in the Starbucks drive through and then call the police. Very few redeeming qualities.
35. Standard Kart
Adults who say “pasketti.” Mr. Pibb. Kid who spills all that shit in the Bounty commercials and is never properly disciplined. These are a few of the things that the Standard Kart makes me think of. You already know what they all have in common: not serving cunt. Go listen to “Good Time” by Owl City somewhere else.
34. Mr. Scooty
Serving cunt is all about creativity. Making a name for yourself on this cold, unrelentless bitch of an earth. You know what isn’t cunty? Making that name Mr. Scooty, which sounds like what you call a dog who’s going through a really big “I’m gonna rub my bare asshole on this shag rug” phase. Why not Madame Scooty? Wheelira? SCXXT? Points docked for wasted potential.
33. Jet Bike
Looks like the first thing a giant squid would eat in the cold open of a failed Memorial Day Blumhouse release. Also, seems Republican. So no.
32. Sneeker
In her “Notes on Camp,” Susan Sontag writes, “When something is just bad (rather than Camp), it’s often because it is too mediocre in its ambition.” I see the vision — a glimpse into a sick, twisted mind, where one can drive a shoe. The artistic intent is clear, but not applaudable. I am embarrassed for its driver — imagining their view of themselves as an eccentric, self-expressionist pioneer, when all they are now is a foot. Get out of here, Foot Locker. Your time is up.
31. Pipe Frame
An unflattering mockery of the divine form of a bumper car, mixed with a perverted twist on the “live, laugh, love” infinity symbol (that’s not an 8 on the front, trust me guys). Attempts to be unique, but serves Hobby Lobby. Next.
30. Standard ATV
This is the vehicle equivalent of that one photographer you know whose only credits are taking naked photos of women in the desert. It is uninspiring to me, both fashionably and politically, and the absence of a statement is, in itself, a statement. A statement that I am not willing to entertain on my very important ranked list of Mario Kart cuntiness.
29. Tri-Speeder
Love the mushrooms on the cylinder, but unfortunately, it’s giving “Ru Paul’s fracking empire.” Enough said.
28. Sport Bike
Nothing special on its own. But now, imagine it’s April 18, 1775, and Paul Revere is shredding through Lexington on this hot piece of vehicular ass. He’s yelling something, but you’re not listening. All you can focus on is how sweet his ride is. Damn. Maybe the bike isn’t serving, but he is and that makes it a bit better, right?
27. B-Dasher
Red stripe is cute, but not serving. Ultimately, it’s giving “thing I would accidentally swallow, not realizing scientists are investigating my insides Magic School Bus style.” I don’t care if this is Mario’s default vehicle – the only good taste he’s ever had in his life is choosing Princess Peach.
26. Sports Coupe
This car feels like it has attitude, but less in a “serving cunt” way and more in a “the driver of this must be pretty fucking annoying” way. This car was made to blast Russ on residential streets after 10pm and yell at minimum wage coffee workers over the sourcing of their in-house hemp milk. I don’t care if it reminds you of a bumblebee. This car was one of the singers in the celebrity pandemic cover of “Imagine.” Expand your mind.
25. Standard Bike
The standard bike could be giving Americana cunt: PBR tallboys, camo, Marlboro reds. But the line between serving Ethel Cain and serving your weird uncle who goes to town hall meetings just to blow off some steam is thin. It depends where the bike toes.
24. Blue Falcon
Looks like something that, as a kid, I would dream of putting in my mouth and chewing like a fruit snack, so that counts for something, I guess. The Blue Falcon is cunty in the way an opaque blue Scooby Doo fruit snack is – less aspiration, more intrigue.
23. Circuit Special
A bit more elevation due to rich sapphire color, but lacking the démesuré that screams “I need to listen to Rico Nasty right now or I will harm myself and others.” However, the front looks like a really pointy thong, which is a huge plus for people really into 240p booty.
22. Comet
That little front wheel is doing all of the lifting. Sleek, nothing new. God. I’m so hungry. I can’t think. Writing this article is the literary equivalent of when Lois and Clark had to do that long ass walk for no reason, or whatever happened there. Mobile ordering Jersey Mikes as we speak.
21. Varmint
This vehicle isn’t much to write home about (you know how you typically write home about all the cool shit you see?). But the name. OH that NAME. God, is it good. “Hopping in the varmint xoxo” sent from an LG ChocolateSlide is the cuntiest way possible to leave the function. Too bad it looks like someone tried to make a banana in Minecraft.
Also, I’m eating my sandwich. So, I guess I’m ranking this one higher because of positive associations.
20. Mach 8
Serves as much cunt as a mid 2010s Coldplay song. Specifically, “Paradise.” I remember listening to that song, and developing my first feelings of embarrassment towards being a woman. Specifically, Chris Martin’s woman, even though he refers to all women as girls. I don’t trust men who do that.
Anyways. I digress. This vehicle is fugly as hell.
19. Master Cycle
Treading on the cusp of camp, the Master Cycle has elements that are bogged down by an actively anti-cunt brutalist, postmodern aesthetic. It reminds me of something that the police would ride on in a Denis Villeneuve movie and it would ultimately confuse me, because for a movie set in the future, why do we need to replicate the shape of horses, the oldest mode of transportation ever? However, I will give it points for being animated in Skyward Sword style as opposed to the basic 3D rendering of most Mario Kart vehicles. Someone tried something here.
18. Gold Standard
Despite having a name that is reminiscent of a Cracker Barrel premium lunch special, the Gold Standard intrigues me. It serves cunt, I suppose, the way the following things do: Shein hauls, cubic zirconia, and Paris-themed bedrooms. It feels like it wants too badly to be too much, while being a simulacra of its own excess.
I feel the perceived “cuntiness” does not come from genuine confidence and uniqueness in the Gold Standard’s life. It is a thinly veiled replication of elegance, and all who sit in it become stained with the saccharine residue of its failure to make any meaningful artistic statement.
17. Bone Rattler
Bone Rattler. Bone R attler. Bone R. Boner.
16. Inkstriker
Versatile, loud and proud, and literally sprays color — the Inkstriker doesn’t quite serve cunt, but it slays in a respectful, non-controversial way. This is the car equivalent of your well-meaning aunt buying you suspenders from the Target pride collection. You’re not gonna wear them because you’re 25, but it’s the thought that counts.
15. Landship
It’s giving “over-prepared for an extremely niche pirate themed 30th birthday party in Bushwick,” and honestly, it serves! Maybe not full cunt, but everyone knows that pirates slay from the theatrics of swashbuckling to the horde of cats they kept on board. Come on. Landship has CANNONS, with sleek wood paneling. Despite giving off a “Loungefly backpacks and hidden mickeys” aura, it’s innovative and a win for Kiera Knightly lovers everywhere.
14. Streetle
Despite having a name that sounds like a slur, Streetle kind of…serves? I could see myself going to the thrift in this, and loading it back up with weirdly-hemmed skirts that I’ll make into tube tops and wear nowhere. Streetle is for the folks who love an iced lavender oat matcha and are really into Calico Critters. Good for you! I hope you liked the new Clairo album!
13. Master Cycle Zero
Sleek, great at off-roading, and visually reminiscent of Grimes’ early career, Master Cycle Zero certainly brings a lot to the table.
But in Katy Perry’s 2013 manifesto “Dark Horse,” rapper Juicy J proclaims a lyric that has perplexed me for over a decade: “That fairy tale ending with a knight in shining armor/she can be my sleeping beauty/I’m gonna put her in a coma.” I can’t help but think that this objectively un-cunty line was inspired by Link’s Master Cycle Zero, and therefore, in good faith, I cannot rank it higher.
12. The Duke
Okay, Violet Beauregarde! The Duke is literally royalty in similar build to the Shooting Star from MK Wii, a bike that glows purple and syncs lights with the music borders into cunty terrain. However, aside from looking like something that Hagrid from Harry Potter would drive if AND ONLY IF he got a septum ring, it falls flat in the “innovation” category.
11. Yoshi Bike
1970s American journalist Jack Babuscio once stated that “Irony is the subject matter of camp.” And to that, I say — what is more ironic than driving a bike shaped exactly like you? This is the equivalent of designing a figurehead in your image as a ship’s captain, placing a bust of your form on the front porch of your house. Even though it may not be the most original (I mean, real Yoshi IS right there), it shows a self-love from Yoshi that serves cunt in its camp inspiration.
10. Teddy Buggy
An unexpected pick, but cutesy is cunty! Jellycats! Sanrio plushies! Björk’s swan dress at the 73rd Academy Awards! Coquette and tasteful. If I had a Dave Matthews Band-inspired sewage spill, this would be the vehicle I’d choose to dump 400 lbs of my shit onto the innocent bystanders of the Chicago river.
9. Prancer
Named after the second most queer coded of Santa’s Reindeer and reminiscent of Zendaya’s show-stopping Met Gala Cinderella, Prancer serves an appropriate level of cunt. Being inside of a pumpkin gives Old Mother Hubbard realness, and she served in a Grimms Brothers honoring way, which is more than most vehicles can say.
8. P Wing
Serves.
Man. What the fuck am I doing. I’ve been talking about serving cunt for so long. I have a MacBook Air. Cavemen couldn’t dream of the world at my fingertips and this is what I use it for? To run PAGES, not even WORD, and write this pathetic attempt at journalism? I should do a crossword. Talk to an old person. Anything. Anything at this point.
7. Splat Buggy
In terms of chaos, it’s giving Fergie’s National Anthem meets extremely tailored corporate graffiti. The Splat Buggy serves cunt in a way that promotes creative thinking and collaboration in the workplace. I would not be surprised to find its aesthetic design on a Trader Joe’s featured product sign and it would convince me to buy Everything But the Bagel Seasoning.
6. Isabelle’s Scooter
Leaf wheels. Paper glider. Unique. Innovative. And all tailored by fierce civil servant, snatched button-up wearing, PTO using glamzilla Isabelle. Seeing her sky-high ponytail flip through the wind as she sails by you on a polka dot scooter is an honor for which you should all be grateful.
5. Koopa Clown
Have you ever wondered, “How can I serve cunt in a way that honors my local improv theater?” The answer: pulling up in the Koopa Clown. It’s expressive, wears its emotions on its proverbial sleeve, and ultimately, is a performer begging for you to suggest a game of “World’s Worst.” She’s a baddie with range, and she’s not afraid to tell you how she feels. Confidence is key to serving, and Koopa Clown breathes it.
4. Wild Wiggler
In the words of Chappell Roan, “I need a super graphic ultra modern girl like me.” And Wild Wiggler is in fact that girl. Every child who grew up to slay on the daily had a kinship to the Wiggler’s form. Although they can be angry (rightfully, when you step on them), they strut in their beautiful velvet Chelsea boots, grow a flower from their head, and face each day with their chin up high.
The Wild Wiggler is a vehicle that reminds me of the transformative quote found on every AI generated Marilyn Monroe Facebook posts your twice-divorced aunt makes: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” And damn, was she right.
3. Badwagon
Bad bitches to the left, money bitches to the right. The Badwagon, as titled, is only for baddies. If you do not serve cunt, your face will melt off like that guy in Indiana Jones if you try to look at it. The Badwagon is for girls that appreciate a crisp Diet Coke. That would never be caught dead in a Shein dress. That think Daisy Duck deserved better than her loser war criminal boyfriend, Donald. The Badwagon is for queens with a communications degree that never wash their bangs and are very polite to waitstaff. All in Roy Koopa’s extremely pointy ass sunglasses.
2. Flame Rider
Your busted ass is walking through the Coconut Mall, starving for whatever fucking food they serve there. Jesus. It’s just gonna be an Auntie’s Annie’s, isn’t it? That’s not a meal. That’s a piece of bread all contorted and shit. Jesus. You need protein. You begin to fade.
Then, you hear it. The opening drums of Azalea Banks’ 212. In the distance, you clock it, a motorcycle, bedazzled with flames, drifting to your rescue and living the fantasy all at once. “What is it carrying down the malls’ runway?” you ask yourself. Oh my god. It’s a fucking piece of Sbarro Pizza. Maybe queens do lift up other queens, after all.
Before you can say thank you, the vehicle zooms off, into the mirage it came from. You smile. Life really does have little miracles, after all.
1. Cat Cruiser
THE It Girl. The queen of your dreams. Hustling that kitty like it’s a full-time job, the Cat Cruiser is the biblically-accurate, never-before-served, face-beating, singles-throwing, line-bumping epitome of serving cunt after cunt after cunt. She’s sassy. She’s got nerve. She’s your favorite vehicle’s favorite vehicle. So go – hop in and drive into the sun, just like they did at the end of Grease. Who cares if you fucking explode. To die in the Cat Cruiser is a privilege greater than life itself – and maybe, just maybe – you’ve earned it.
NEW YORK — An internal memo from Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav urging his underlings to bring him more ritual sacrifices has been leaked to the press.
Company spokesperson Bridget Smith came out in defense of the memo in a statement.
“Look, at the end of the day Warner Bros. is not in the entertainment business, we’re in the stock price manipulation business,” Smith said. “And nothing tells our shareholders we care more about their investment in Warner Bros. than buybacks and the occasional ritualistic sacrifice of some of our more valuable properties. It’s simple economics.”
Several longtime Warner Bros. employees, speaking under anonymity, released their own statements in reaction to the leaked memo.
“I say, I say boy, it’s downright tragic what that carpetbagger has done to this one great institution,” Wrote one of them. “That Zaslav is about as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“Eh that Zaslav, what a maroon!” Wrote another. “Forget rabbit season, when’s CEO season?”
“Meep!” Was all one said, but written in a very angry font.
“David Zaslav should be rotting in a cell in Arkham alongside The Joker, not sitting in a corner office. Unfortunately for him vengeance has no jurisdiction.” The final anonymous statement read.
David Zaslav himself spoke on the matter, assuring both investors and fans of Warner Bros. properties everything was fine.
“There’s a lot of hay being made out of an internal document that was leaked to the press, but my mission as CEO has only ever been to provide maximum value to both our customers and our shareholders,” Zaslav said. “If fulfilling that duty involves bathing in the blood and viscera of some of our properties to bump the stock price it’s my duty as Chief Executive to do so.”
At press time, a barrel of “The Dip” was seen being wheeled into Zaslav’s office followed by a muffled cry of “Th-th-that’s all, folks!” and a blood curdling scream.
The gaming world is reeling after Hollow Knight was executed live during yesterday’s Direct by Shigeru Miyamoto
The Direct was a double feature with an Indie World and Partner Showcase back to back and gamers everywhere had hoped that meant they would get news on Silksong.
“I know there’s someone you’re all eager to hear from,” said Miyamoto right before he welcomed the Knight to the void where they shoot the Directs. “We know many of you are tuning in specifically for this guy and so I thought it appropriate to start off by personally presenting the future of Hollow Knight.”
It was at this moment that Miyamoto brandished a replica Master Sword and lobbed off the Knight’s head in a single swift motion that could only be done by a master of Wii Motion Plus.
“We hope you enjoy all the games our partners have to show you” a blood drenched Miyamoto said with a smile as he held up Hollow Knight’s severed head.
The Direct then continued on for 40 minutes of indie and third party game announcements as the feed of Miyamoto hoisting the Knight’s decapitated head like a trophy remained in the corner.
Gamers have been left so traumatized by the display that many of them are in denial.
“What happened at that Direct was disgusting and abhorrent but I’m sure the rumored Sony State of Play in September will give us the Silksong announcement and then everything will be okay. This execution was just a little bump in the road,” wrote Twitter user WhereSilksong whose tweet got 20k likes.
When asked why he did it, Miyamoto answered frankly.
“The truth is that Hollow Knight has been locked in a cell for quite some time, because he’s more valuable to us as a prisoner who never gets a sequel. People’s misplaced hope drives viewership but at a certain point the fanbase gets annoying and you have to give them a reality check. I honestly enjoyed it. Slicing through his little tiny neck and being soaked by the rain of blood that squirted out was exhilarating. I can’t wait to do it to Captain Falcon next.”
At press time, gamers have reportedly been spotted around the world praying in front of advertisement billboards in the hopes Geoff Keighley can revive Hollow Knight in time for The Game Awards.
Gamers who love Stardew Valley are in for an absolutely incredible treat: They will really enjoy playing more Stardew Valley.
Since Stardew Valley’s 2016 release and rise to popularity, there’s been an explosion in farm life sims and other so-called cozy games. Fans looking for a similar experience now have a seemingly endless number of options — but why bother with any of them when you could just play more Stardew Valley?
You could sift through reviews of countless farming RPGs in search of a new gem, but that would just be wasting time you could spend playing Stardew Valley. Besides, those other games cost money, and you’ve already spent money on multiple copies of Stardew Valley.
Instead of trying a bunch of new games you know can’t possibly be as good as one of the greatest games of all time, why not keep playing a game that you already know is one of the greatest? If you’re looking to recapture the magic of your first 300 hours in Pelican Town, nothing will do it like another 300 hours.
Despite being created by just one person — the brilliant Eric “ConcernedApe” Barone — Stardew Valley has a breathtaking amount of content. Unless you’re the most diehard fan, you haven’t seen everything the game has to offer yet, so your best bet is to keep playing it until you have.
Make it to level 100 in the Skull Cavern. Find all the artifacts for the museum. Find all the Golden Walnuts on Ginger Island. Adopt all the pets. Use the catalogs to decorate your farmhouse. Obtain perfection. Build a dozen Gold Clocks and fill a Big Shed with 137 Statues of Endless Fortune just because you can. Keep divorcing your spouse and marrying one of the game’s other bachelors or bachelorettes until you’ve married and divorced them all. Come on, there has to be something you still haven’t done in Stardew Valley yet.
And if there isn’t, you could always start a new game of Stardew Valley.
You could try one of the other farm layouts, or playing with remixed Community Center bundles, or a co-op game. You could try speedrunning or mods. There simply isn’t any point to playing any other games until you’ve squeezed every last conceivable second of entertainment out of Stardew Valley.
Well, at least until ConcernedApe finally releases his next game, Haunted Chocolatier. Then, all bets are off.
Originally, Mario was only able to make use of Warp Pipes after unclogging them. Like the game’s bushes, the sprite for the human waste in the game was actually just a palette-swapped cloud. Efficiency!
2 — Okay Mushroom
It was supposed to make you bigger than Small Mario, but not quite as big as Super Mario. It also gave Mario a 660 credit score.
3 — Roc’s Feather
After the inclusion of several Mario-related Easter eggs in “The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening,” the Mario team was eager to return the favor. Sadly, they couldn’t find a way to integrate jumping into the core gameplay.
4 — A Literal Iron Man Suit
Not many people are aware that “Super Mario Galaxy” was supposed to include a pretty significant Marvel crossover. Unfortunately, production on what would become the Marvel Cinematic Universe spoiled those plans.
5 — Bottle of Gin
This would have turned Mario into the Bob Hoskins version of the character from the 1993 film “Super Mario Bros.”
6 — A Potion That Makes Mario Feel Pain
This proposed power-up replaced the game’s jaunty death music with horrifying, realistic screaming. Mario would reportedly beg players not to make him jump over gaps. Several quality assurance professionals had to leave the profession after play-testing this one.
7 — Low-Jump Boots
These were removed after the discovery of a glitch that allowed for slightly more efficient speedrunning.
8 — A Stapler That Turns Mario Slightly More Red
Apparently, the designer of this power-up just picked a random item he saw on his desk after being directed to do more work for no additional compensation. Luckily, that sort of practice is unheard of in today’s digital media industry.
9 — Bandicoot Suit
This was dreamed up during Nintendo’s failed collaboration with Sony. That deal fell apart and, well, you know the rest of the story.
10 — X-Ray Specs
Developers saw an ad in the back of a comic book for an item that would allow Mario to see through obstacles, but when they ordered it and put it into the game, it just showed some random bones on the screen.
WESTFIELD, Mass. — Local gamer Jakob Barnes announced that he was starting a new “Persona 5” playthrough in recognition of the new school year, sources confirm.
“Yeah, I’ve only beaten the game seven or eight times, to be honest,” said Barnes. “I had been working my way through all of the ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ trophies on PS5 all summer, but I kind of felt it was time for me to get back to work. I’m a little nervous, but also really excited. I mean, this could be my chance to get the Akechi ending! It’s a fresh start, and I’m looking forward to it.”
Evan Wyman, the person who Barnes described as his “best friend,” reacted to the news of Barnes’ new save.
“Oh, Jakey? Yeah, I remember him,” said Wyman. “We used to hang out and play video games way back when. Like, high school days. I guess we drifted apart after I went to college, and got a job, and got married, and bought a house, and had kids. I guess it’s nice to hear that he’s still playing games, even if I’ve never heard of this ‘Pursono’ thing he’s into. I hope he’s enjoying himself.”
Kazuma Kaneko, co-creator and character designer of the Persona series, said that he had been inspired by back-to-school advertisements.
“I was feeling burnt out by my work on ‘Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Summoner,’ and I didn’t know if I could continue,” said Kaneko. “I turned on my television to try and unwind. Immediately, I was bombarded with commercials from Target and Walmart and countless other retailers. It was impossible to get the idea of going back to school out of my head. It consumed me. I decided I should do something productive with that energy, and boom, Persona was born. It’s not surprising to me that fans pick up on that impulse.
At press time, Barnes was reportedly too scared to tell his parents about a poor result he received on a test that he should have had memorized by his third playthrough.
Look, we’ve all been there. You’ve got a really important event coming up where you can’t make mistakes, you’re about to ask for a raise, or even just some jagbag cuts you off in traffic — and you feel like the only thing you can do is put your hands together and call on a higher power to set things right. Well, this very long guide will help you figure out exactly which god you should reach out to for help. So read on, and make sure you’re sending your energy to the right place.
130. Thanatos – Hand of Death
One look at his gigantic scythe and you should be able to tell that unless your prayer is to be unceremoniously freed from this mortal coil, Thanatos is not your guy.
129. Bakasura – The Great Devourer
Bakasura just wants to eat, and unfortunately his favorite meal is people. Probably best if you don’t pray to him because you might accidentally tip him off to your location. If you’re desperate, I guess you could try sacrificing a 3-piece chicken meal from KFC, but I can’t make any promises.
128. Achilles – Hero of the Trojan War
Achilles would be more than happy to provide you with an answered prayer — if you’re cool with that prayer being an entire war and your champion having some devastating weakness you won’t find out about until the most critical possible moment.
127. Camazotz – Deadly God of Bats
Sure. Just head over to Camazotz and expose your glistening, nubile little neck. (Prayers will not be answered because you will be dead.)
126. Cu Chulainn – Hound of Ulster
We do not abide by gods that slay dogs, even if they claim it was an accident or in self-defense. See ya later, Kristi Noem.
125. Xing Tian – The Relentless
Maybe this is on me, but I’d love to understand what would drive anyone to even consider praying to a headless god who uses his nipples as his eyes and his bellybutton for a mouth. Maybe he’d answer your prayer, but maybe we could also just not find out what all that mess looks like.
124. Ares – God of War
It’s pretty well-known that Ares does not do anything but fight. Trying to pray to him would be a waste of your time. Unless, that is, your prayer is that you’d like to fight. In that case, I think he’d be more than happy to give you exactly what you ask for. If you’re feeling empowered to fight a literal god, then I wish you the best of luck, my friend.
123. Surtr – The Fire Giant
He has a lot of very important things to guard, and also wields a gigantic flaming sword. What if — and hear me out — we all left Sutr alone before he destroys the entire world? Just a thought.
122. Martichoras – The Manticore King
Martichoras’s whole thing is dominating and devouring humans, so I’d recommend steering clear.
121. Ravana – Demon King of Lanka
Yeah, the “Demon King” is gonna be a no from me, dawg. Ravana apparently cut his own head off 9 times just for some weird kind of Kirkland brand immortality (he couldn’t be killed by gods, but could be killed by mortal men). He’s probably very busy trying to conquer the world and is unlikely to have time for whatever measly slight you’re complaining about.
120.Da Ji – The Nine-Tailed Fox
Da Ji’s favorite thing to do is torture people and make their lives worse. She’s not going to answer any of your prayers, unless those prayers involve making you incredibly uncomfortable.
119. Susano – God of the Summer Storm
Now, Susano might actually answer your prayer. So if you’re wondering why he’s so low on this list, it’s because the only reason he’d do it is as a form of atonement for some horrible thing he did to you first.
118. Kuzenbo – King Kappa
Kuzenbo is basically just a giant snapping turtle. I watched a TikTok once where a guy rescued one from the middle of a busy road and it was extremely unappreciative — instead of being chill, it tried to bite the guy the entire time. I imagine that’s what it’s like attempting to communicate with Kuzenbo. Toss him back into the drainage ditch. Onto the next.
117. Ah Puch – Horrific God of Decay
Ah Puch spends all his time looking for humans to drag to the underworld. If one of your prayers is to be dragged to the underworld (or have someone else dragged), then yeah, reach out. Otherwise, maybe try a different god.
116. Charybdis – The Ceaseless Whirlpool
I know she looks adorable, but Charybdis is like the Bermuda Triangle of gods. Be aware that any message you send her is getting sucked deep beneath the ocean, never to be seen again. Unless she gets one of those vacuum tubes they have at the bank or something.
115. Cthulhu – The Great Dreamer
He’s uh, a bit distracted with the whole “world domination” thing he’s got going on. Probably best to skip asking Cthulhu for help.
114. Loki – The Trickster God
Praying to this problem child would be the epitome of using a monkey’s paw. Whatever you want, you’ll get — but only with the weirdest possible unpredictable negative outcome. Leave Loki to his devices and pick someone else from this list.
113. Baba Yaga – Witch of the Woods
Speaking of monkey’s paws — if you know anything about Baba Yaga, you know she is not the person you want to be asking for help. Anything you’d get from her comes at a price. And her house is literally built up on chicken legs? Just…don’t.
112. Chernobog – Lord of Darkness
Wow, we’ve got a lot of dark lords around these parts, eh? Obviously, they’re all based in different pantheons, but somebody’s gonna have to figure out who the real Lord of Darkness is at some point. Anyway, Chernobog is essentially the devil. So if you’re into Satanism, give Chernobog a ring.
111. Kali – Goddess of Destruction
With a title like “Goddess of Destruction,” I think it’s pretty clear what you’re getting yourself into by praying to Kali. Sure, she’s in a very serious battle against only a specific demon, but hey — maybe we just let her focus on that and give her some space?
110. Raijin – Master of Thunder
Not to be confused with tThor, the “God” of Thunder. Sorry to Raijin, but I’m gonna be real with you for a second: when has a drummer ever come through for anyone? There’s your answer.
109. Set – The Usurper
Set is giving major MAGA vibes. Apparently Set believes he and he alone sees everything that needs to be fixed — and he somehow managed a successful coup (okay, so not quite MAGA then) on his brother so he could take power. Obviously that’s not gonna last. All things considered, Set feels kind of like a “flyover” god.
108. Bellona – Goddess of War
It’s a little ridiculous how many of these gods’ whole reason for existence is fighting, but Bellona is right there in the mix. Unless you’ve got battle plans spread out across your table like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone, keep reading.
107. Shiva – The Destroyer
Not sure why he only ended up with half a nickname, but Shiva is both a creator and a destroyer. He’s busy standing between dark and light, good and evil, and making sure that there’s a balance between the two. Right now, he has his hands full with the upcoming Presidential election, so he’s not currently taking requests.
106. Artemis – Goddess of the Hunt
Artemis’s life goal is to prove that no one is a better hunter than her, and she has managed to trick at least four gods into killing themselves. I’m not sure what else I need to say to deter you from sending a prayer her way.
105. Cerberus – Warden of the Underworld
Cerberus is extremely busy guarding Hades. The only way he’s going to have time for you is if someone manages to get this poor, chained up pup onto one of those ASPCA commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings and a rescue team gets upset enough to set him free. Then, Cerberus will gladly answer your prayers, as long as they entail curling up next to a warm fire.
104. Izanami – Matron of the Dead
Izanami is her name, vengeance is her game. Admit it, you’d be mad too if your husband had promised to free you from the underworld but then got too frightened by your horrifying visage. Unless you want to be in her crosshairs next, probably not the best option.
103. Scylla – Horror of the Sea
Unless your prayer is to not have your ship, the Ever Given, stuck in the Suez Canal, then I don’t think you’re getting an answer out of Scylla. And even then, if you do ask her specifically not to let the Ever Given get stuck in the Suez Canal, she’s probably going to do exactly that.
102. Fenrir – The Unbound
Aww! What a little cutie! He’s definitely not like, craving revenge or something, right? Oh, he is? Rats. Truth be told — either way, Fenrir isn’t going to be answering prayers. First off, he can’t respond because he doesn’t have those little buttons dogs use to talk to people. Secondly, as I mentioned, he’s like a dog with a bone on the revenge front.
101. Fafnir – The Lord of Glittering Gold
It’s all right there in the name: Fafnir is pretty much only concerned with hoarding gold — to the point that he actually turned into a dragon over it. I mean, that does seem like the most classic (or cliche) form to get a hoard going. But unless you’re willing to pay to have your prayers answered, Fafnir’s probably not your guy.
100. Ao Kuang – Dragon King of The Eastern Seas
Speaking of hoards, next up is Ao Kuang — well known for being greedy. Sir, are you aware that the Fed hasn’t cut rates since 2020? We cannot afford to pay for these prayers! I guess Ao Kuang can pride himself in being the patron saint of nepo babies and trust fund kids. Ugh.
99. Hun Batz – The Howler Monkey God
Hun Batz seems great — he’s totally into the arts and is a very cultured dude. However, a bitter family rivalry is probably cooking up some less than ideal attitude issues. Leave him to his sports. Plus — have you ever heard a howler monkey? Are you sure you want to converse with that noise?
98. Gilgamesh – King of Uruk
Gilgamesh is currently occupied with a personal quest for immortality. He has no time to answer your prayers, and also no desire to do anything that isn’t solely centered on him.
97. Odin – The All-Father
Look, Odin has a lot going on. He’s in charge of everything, all the time, it seems. You’re welcome to send a prayer his way, but be aware it’s likely to go into an enormous pile of unopened mail.
96. Arachne – The Weaver
Arachne is…a spider. My personal prayers are to never have a spider in my home, ever. For that reason, I don’t really see myself spending much time praying to one. She’s an excellent weaver of course, so maybe she’d answer prayers for something. It’s just that the only gifts she has to give are moving around too fast for comfort and leaving cobwebs in high corners that you have to swat down with a broom.
95. Heimdallr – The Vigilant
Heimdallr is a really good listener, so he’s definitely worth reaching out to. And he’s got foresight, which means you probably don’t even have to pray to him — he’s already got an idea of what you need. The issue here is that his lore says he lives at the end of “the rainbow bridge” which feels dangerously close to dead pet territory, so it’s a no.
94. Nemesis – Goddess of Vengeance
Nemesis will totally answer your prayers! You’re just gonna have to pay for it with something of equal and opposite value. Want a new job? Maybe you had over a pinky. Looking for love? Hey, your car just got stolen. Get used to it! She’s the punisher of hubris, so like, how dare you even ask?
93. Bake Kujira – Yokai of Despair
Bake Kujira is literally a ghost whale. Unless you’re interested in living inside Monstro’s mouth, it’s probably best to avoid him. He’s got a whole harbinger vibe, anyway. Just go on an Alaskan cruise or something if you want to see a whale up close.
92. Zeus – God of the Sky
Let’s be honest: unless you’re looking for a one-night stand with a goose or something, it’s best to avoid speaking with Zeus, the Nick Cannon of gods. I recommend staying far away from this freak of the week! Could he answer your prayer? Sure. Do you want to birth some freakishly strong god-child? No, you do not.
91. Thor – God of Thunder
Thor “The Tool Man” Taylor is completely inseparable from his special hammer for a special boy. He’s probably the best god to reach out to if you want something smashed (maybe built, if he’s having a good day). Though I can’t really think of a lot of scenarios where you’d want something decimated beyond recognition, so maybe it’s best to look elsewhere.
90. Baron Samedi – God of Life and Death
Who wants to pray to a guy you actually just want to be partying with? Don’t reach out through prayer — just meet Baron Samedi at the club. He’s a fun hang — and anyway, if you asked him for something he’d probably just pull a hilarious prank. Skip the prayer, go to one of those 4 AM bars, and enjoy your night.
89. Serqet – Goddess of Venom
Serqet is only willing to answer any prayers that ask her to exact revenge or vengeance, and only if she can do it by waiting hidden inside the target’s warm shoe.
88. Anubis – God of the Dead
Sure, sure. Anubis is happy to get around to whatever you’re asking for. But this muscly, ripped dog would really like to know how much that tennis ball — er, heart, weighs. If you could hand it over for the scale first, that’d be great.
87. Charon – The Ferryman
Charon will take care of whatever you like, for the cost of a simple coin — especially easy if the thing you want is a little ferry ride. However, the coin he demands is a Gold Sacagawea dollar. Good luck finding one of those.
86. Hachiman – Lord of the Eight Banners
Wow, big shock — we’ve got another warrior here. Hachiman is a bit of a mama’s boy, but would gladly stand up to your school bully on your behalf, though. So if that’s your issue, he’s your guy.
85. Olorun – Ruler of the Heavens
Sure, Olorun could answer your prayers, but he doesn’t want to. He really doesn’t have time for your piddly little human problems. He values his peace and quiet above all. You’re welcome to pray to him all you want, but you’re not getting anything.
84. Aphrodite – Goddess of Beauty
Our girl Aphrodite is H-O-T T-O G-O, baby! She’s gorgeous, of course, and is unfortunately a little too busy looking in the mirror to answer any prayers. You could try leaving one written on the mirror in lipstick, though!
83. Vamana – Fifth Avatar of Vishnu
Even if you pray for something small, Vamana’s going to make it a huge deal. If you’re cool with having everything you dream of blown completely out of proportion and over-exaggerated, definitely pray to Vamana.
82. Tsukuyomi – God of the Moon
I know this is going to come as a huge shock, but we’ve got another dark, brooding, chaotic god in our midst. Tsukuyomi rules the night, so at least he’ll be available when you’re likely to sit down to pray. It’s just — he’s not particularly kind and has a weird food aversion. Maybe not a bad option in a pinch, I suppose.
81. Apollo – God of Music
Apollo is essentially the Justin Timberlake of the Gods. He definitely has the time to hear you out, but feels like stopping to answer your prayer is going to ruin the world tour.
80. Ix Chel – The Light Weaver
With a nickname like “Lady of the Rainbows,” you might think Ix Chel is all sunshine and, well, rainbows. She is decidedly not that. It’s cool that she can turn into a jaguar, but she’s a pass.
79. Kukulkan – Serpent of The Nine Winds
Kukulkan seems nice enough, but he’s one of the many gods that requires sacrifices (and in this case, we’re talking blood — not money). He did create the calendar though, which is big Virgo energy. If you’re willing to lose a little blood, he’s probably pretty solid at handling business on your behalf.
78. King Arthur – Wielder of Excalibur
I’m not entirely sure that this mere mortal-type-god could be particularly helpful, prayer-wise, but he might be a good hang. He’s probably not a bad guy to have on your side anyway, considering he’s been said to have taken on like a thousand men all by himself. If you’re simply looking for protection, he might be a good pick. But I will add: King Arthur has an extremely powerful magician, Merlin, at his side — so maybe just reach out to him instead?
77. Bastet – Goddess of Cats
Another cat lady!! Back off, JD. We should think through this, though. Would you ask your cat for help with something you prayed for? Your dreams, your hopes, your deepest desires? No! Because your cat would metaphorically knock it off the table. Bastet seems nice enough, but everyone knows she’s probably plotting to kill you as soon as you turn your back. And just look at those eyes! Probably not your best bet.
76. Sol – Goddess of the Sun
In the words of Alicia Keys, “this girl is on fire!” Every day, she drags the sun around in a chariot while she’s chased by jerks. She seems fun enough, but I can tell you for certain she is not stopping to answer your prayers right now.
75. Ra – Sun God
Speaking of Sun Gods, Ra is also pretty booked up sailing around the Earth every day making sure the sun rises and falls. He really doesn’t have time to meddle in human affairs. I am wondering, though, if it’d be worth discussing daylight savings with him because I, for one, would not be mad about the sun staying up until 8 PM every night
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74. Danzaburou – The Legendary Tanuki
Just look at this adorable little Tom Nook wannabe! Danzaburou loves pranks, and will happily pull them on your behalf — as long as he thinks it’s fun. This means he’s the one you’d pray to if you’d like “Sexual Harassment Greg from Accounting”’s pants to fall down in the middle of a workday. Just be careful what you wish for, or he might pull a prank on you, too!
73. Persephone – Queen of the Underworld
Persephone is only in the underworld because she likes it down there. She’s the type of person who wears SPF 200 and never leaves the house. She’d happily answer a prayer now and again, whenever she’s not eating pomegranate seeds.
72. Chronos – Keeper of Time
You’re welcome to pray to Chronos, if you like. It’s just — the passage of time means nothing to him, so he might hear it, take his sweet time, and then whatever football team you’re hoping wins the Super Bowl has already been dead for a thousand years. So, I guess — yeah, he’ll answer your prayer, probably. But not in your lifetime.
71. Medusa – The Gorgon
Medusa is totally reasonable to speak with, you just have to keep your back to her the entire time. Or keep your eyes closed. That’s not weird, is it? She’d tell me if it was weird, right?
70. Lancelot – First Knight of the Round Table
In a pinch, Lancelot is probably one of the best fighters out there. But if that “pinch” is you sending up a prayer to the gods for a little hand, Lancelot is truly uninterested. He’s duty-bound to King Arthur, and — again — you might as well just go to Merlin at this point.
69. Yu Huang – The Jade Emperor
Yu Huang will answer your prayers. He’s in. His entire mortal life was spent trying to uplift humanity. Just tell him what you need, and he’ll take care of it for you. It’s just gonna take a few centuries while he simmers in a mountain cave and cooks it up. You’ve got time, right?
68. Sun Wukong – The Monkey King
One of Sun Wukong’s god jobs is keeping track of every monkey — so he spends a lot of time answering prayers like, “help me find some fleas on my bestie,” “make my prehensile tail big and strong” and “protect me from these tourists as I ransom their iPhone for a Hostess cupcake.” If you’ve got a tail like the kid from Jumanji, he definitely has time to answer your prayers, too.
67. Mercury – Messenger of the Gods
Mercury would be more than thrilled to answer your prayer, but he’s going to try to do it so quickly he’s going to screw it up somehow.
66. He Bo – God of the Yellow River
He Bo would answer your prayers, if he felt like it. But he’s just kinda chillin’, you know? He’s going with the river’s flow. So like, sure. Whenever he gets around to it.
65. Sobek – God of the Nile
Sobek is true neutral as far as gods go, so that’s why he makes it directly in the middle of the list. Nothing good is likely to come of praying to him, but probably nothing bad, either. Maybe just a good god to vent to if your therapist is not covered by insurance.
64. Ne Zha – The Third Lotus Prince
Hey, if you’re gonna be a Lotus Prince, third time’s the charm, right? Although, admittedly, staying in the womb for three full years is kind of mama’s boy behavior, Ne Zha is a powerful god. He’s still a child, so pray to him at your own risk. If you have to spend hours explaining what “please have a terrible incident befall my manager at the 4th quarter all hands,” that’s on you.
63. Ishtar – Goddess of Love and War
Ishtar is going to hook you up with whatever you need, as long as you pray to her and only her. She demands loyalty, so don’t screw it up.
62. Tyr – The Lawgiver
Tyr is 100% Lawful Good at his core. It’s not that he won’t help you — he will — he just doesn’t really seem like a good time, you know?
61. Ratatoskr – The Sly Messenger
This fuzzy guy is an adorable little gossip. You can totally pray to Ratatoskr for help, but you should know that literally every other god is going to find out exactly what you asked the tiny squirrel boy for. And he’s probably not gonna help you get it, anyway.
60. Mulan – The Ascendant Warrior
Let’s get down to business. Mulan is strong, powerful, and totally down to answer your prayers. Just don’t tell her they took all the music out of the live-action version of her Disney film.
59. Chang’e – Faerie of the Moon
I don’t doubt for a second that Chang’e is the type of god to want to help out a person in need — I mean, she even has an adorable little rabbit companion! She’d be willing to answer your prayers, but she’s stuck on the moon like Luther from The Umbrella Academy so it’s kind of tough for her to actually get the job done.
58. Anhur – Slayer of Enemies
Another warrior god! Anhur isn’t just a fighter though — he’s well known for being exceptionally cuddly and clever. Even though he’s prone to battle, he might not be a bad choice for prayer problem solving.
57. Xbalanque – Hidden Jaguar Sun
Xbalanque once tricked his enemy into having all his fancy gem teeth pulled out by a couple he encouraged to pose as dentists, so he kind of seems more like the God of Tooth Extractions, if you ask me. Pray to him for protection from a fraudulent DDS.
56. Terra – The Earth Mother
Most of Terra’s existence has been spent either supporting her children overthrowing their father or her grandchildren overthrowing her son. This seems like a very intense amount of work for someone who’s supposed to be Mother Earth. Terra will answer a prayer or two, but be wary of appearing too hubristic — she and her brood might overthrow you next.
55. Hel – Goddess of the Underworld
Hel is actually surprisingly helpful, contrary to popular belief. If you need to pray on behalf of an elderly neighbor, she’d jump right in to help. Especially if that neighbor needs to have his driver’s license taken away before he drives through your front lawn a third time. Hel’s very concerned about whether or not someone is “good” or “bad,” but she always helps the good.
54. Jing Wei – The Oath Keeper
If there’s anybody who knows how to get things done, it’s Jing Wei. Sadly, the thing she’s trying to get done is the Sisyphean task of filling the entire ocean with stones, but who can blame her when it’s full of horrifying monster-like creatures? An awful place. Anyway, she’ll be more than happy to answer your prayers as soon as she finishes her task.
53. Khepri – The Dawn Bringer
Khepri is a guardian and protector, but he’s also one of those scarabs that rolls up poop into little balls. Maybe he’s helpful, maybe not. Either way, he’s got poop on him.
52. Discordia – Goddess of Strife
As you can probably guess from her name, Discordia enjoys sowing discord and is incredibly clever. Overall, not the worst choice for a prayer when you’d like to send two of your friends that didn’t settle up after a bachelorette party at each other’s throats.
51. Agni – God of Fire
Stuck in the woods without a flint or a match? Agni is definitely your guy. Guys? Guy. He’s likely to be very good at hearing your prayers with all four of those ears, too.
50. Yemoja – Goddess of Rivers
Yemoja is definitely the god you want to reach out to if you’re planning on going on a cruise. She’d be more than happy to protect the girlies from whatever heinous norovirus is spreading throughout the cabin.
49. Skadi – Goddess of Winter
This winter dog mom is only interested in answering prayers that have to do with the cold. Like, if you need a Stanley cup to keep ice in it if your car catches on fire, Skadi’s your gal. Summer-related stuff is a no-go, though.
48. Morgan Le Fay – The Dark Enchantress
Who can blame Morgan Le Fay for storming out of King Arthur’s court because his wife didn’t want them to be friends anymore? Girl, read your man’s text messages while he’s asleep and leave Morgan out of it. Either way, Morgan is worth praying to when you need to do some FBI-style snooping on your ex-boyfriend’s new girl when her Instagram is set to private.
47. Vulcan – Smith of the Gods
If your prayers are to receive jewelry and/or weapons, Vulcan is the god to pray to. He can make that type of thing easily, and he loves doing it. Maybe even if those aren’t your prayers you should still try to get something expensive from him anyway…
46. Poseidon – God of the Oceans
Ego, much? Poseidon will answer your prayers, but he’s doing it with an agenda in mind. And that agenda is that he will be your favorite god forever, or else. (I’ll let you in on a little secret though: the “or else” is just that he’s gonna be super disappointed.)
45. Pele – Goddess of Volcanoes
Pele created Hawaii, so she’s like, seriously powerful. But considering Mark Zuckerberg is busy building an insane bunker deep within her magnum opus, she might have her hands full right now. Pray to her in a few years when she’s figured out how to get all the billionaires’ private property.
44. Ymir – Father of The Frost Giants
You have approximately five more years to get a prayer answered by Ymir before he becomes unavailable after melting due to climate change.
43. Cabrakan – Destroyer of Mountains
Cabrakan would move mountains for you. As soon as he wakes up.
42. Amaterasu – The Shining Light
This “Golden Girl” will be absolutely thrilled to answer whatever prayer you send her way. Ideally, that prayer is for a cure for seasonal affective disorder.
41. Osiris – Broken God of the Afterlife
Osiris is down to hook you up with whatever you need — his only requirement is that you put a super rad portrait of him inside your overly complex pyramid-shaped casket. And be nice to him, okay? The guy got chopped up into tiny bits by his brother. Not a great experience, I’d wager.
40. Rama – Seventh Avatar of Vishnu
Rama is one of the few gods out there that actually knows what it’s like to be human, so he totally gets it. He’ll definitely answer your prayers, right after he finds his wife. Which’ll only take…maybe forever.
39. Ullr – The Glorious One
Sure, maybe Ullr could do a little prayer answering for you. I’d definitely send a prayer his way — especially if you’re going skiing. Last thing you want to do is forget how to do your little pizza wedge shape thing so you can slow down.
38. Thoth – Arbiter of the Damned
Thoth really wants to help you, as long as your prayers and desires aren’t prone to chaos. If you’re serious about your needs, he’s in. But he only responds for really major stuff, so don’t waste your shot with him by praying for ice cream or something silly.
37. Artio – The Bear Goddess
First things first: make sure that Artio isn’t in hibernation when you send her a prayer. If she is, well…better luck next year. If she’s not currently hibernating, make sure she’s not in Bear Mode celebrating Fat Bear week. If she is, well…better luck some other time. But if you catch her awake and in human form? You’re golden.
36. Guan Yu – Saint of War
It’s not every day you see the nickname “Saint of War” used to describe an actually nice guy who sticks to his word. The guy waited years for his brother to reappear, so he’ll definitely stick around for you, too. Send your requests to Guan Yu. He’s got your back.
35. Maman Brigitte – Protector of the Dead
This god’s for the ladies! Maman Brigitte has your back. She’s gonna hear those prayers, listen, give advice, and then bring the fun to a girl’s night out.
34. Hou Yi – Defender of the Earth
Hou Yi saved the Earth from 9 super harsh suns. I wonder if he might be willing to return and slay some of this atmospheric carbon we’ve got going on? I think we should all shoot a quick prayer his way before the ocean temperature rises another degree.
33. Nox – Goddess of Night
Nox is a total babe. Whatever you’re praying for, she’s there for you. In fact, she’d love nothing more than to make sure you feel safe and protected. Sure, she’s gonna answer your prayer while blindfolded, but nothing she hasn’t done before. I think.
32. Tiamat – Goddess of the Salt Sea
Tiamat is the queen of creating things from what, I guess, the Babylonians believed to be some kind of primordial goo. If she can whip up something from nothing, she can answer your prayers. Especially when it feels like you’ve got a whole lot of nothing going on in your life.
31. Eset – Goddess of Magic
A great ruler, mother of all pharaohs…Eset is an absolute powerhouse. She’s kind, smart, and will have no problem picking up your strewn body parts should a horrible murder befall you. As long as you’ve ingratiated yourself to her.
30. Erlang Shen – The Illustrious Sage
You should definitely reach out to Erlang Shen. He’s strong, powerful, and wants to take care of folks. Highly recommend sending a prayer his way, especially if you’ve got a dragon harshing your mellow.
29. Jormungandr – The World Serpent
It’s said that Jormungandr will bring about the Norse apocalypse. But until that happens, what’s the harm in sending a prayer his way? He’ll either bring about the end of days by replying, or not. Who could blame you for putting an end to late stage capitalism?
28. Nike – Goddess of Victory
Nike had her hands full as hell during the Olympics. I wonder how she decides whose prayers for victory she answers? Maybe it depends on whether or not you’re wearing her branded shoes or workout gear. Either way, if you’re in some kind of competition, you should definitely go to her.
27. Atlas – Titan of the Cosmos
We can give Atlas a pass — it’s not like he knew Ayn Rand was going to royally screw up his brand. He mapped the heavens, so he’s obviously really into astrology. I think there’s a really good chance he’ll answer your prayers if you’ve got the right kind of crystal setup. But good luck figuring out which agate represents which prayer.
26. Freya – Queen of the Valkyries
Freya will for sure answer your prayers. Everyone loves her dearly, and she’s fun and sweet. A girl’s girl who should be in your regular prayer rotation. She loves flowers, pleasant company, and love songs. Freya will make sure you have a brat summer.
25. The Morrigan – Phantom Queen
Okay sure, she looks really mean in this picture. But what’s not to like? The Morrigan controls fate and is a combination of three different sisters. You’re getting a three-fer on this one! Sure, seeing her around might prophesize your violent end, but I still think it’s worth a shot. She controls fate, for crying out loud!
24. Cliodhna – Queen of the Banshees
Of course Cliodhna has a bad rep with a title like that. But rumor has it that she commonly does favors for mortals as long as they treat her with her due respect. Sounds like answered prayers to me!
23. Geb – God of Earth
Yes, Geb will answer your prayers — but only if they’re about your backyard vegetable garden. You’ll want to reach out to him about things like: having a bigger harvest, less mealybugs, and not mixing up your Cuban Oregano with your Italian Oregano.
22. Ah Muzen Cab – God of Bees
The title of “God of Bees” sounds ominous, but he’s actually a pretty solid dude. He’ll answer any prayers you have as along as they are about honey. He’s having a rough time right now keeping all his corps safe. We must protect Ah Muzen Cab at all costs.
21. Horus – The Rightful Heir
An excellent choice for your prayer. Horus is Good with a capital G and will help you out wherever he can. As long as it falls in line with his personal beliefs. Don’t ask for anything that could be misconstrued.
20. Nut – Goddess of the Sky
A protector of the innocent who cares deeply for mortals, Nut is probably one of the nicest gods available. Honestly, I think I’d probably be pretty nice too after making it through the entirety of Junior High with a name like “Nut.”
19. Maui – Hero of Hawai’i
What can I say, except that Maui will forever be tied to The Rock’s portrayal of him in Moana? Maui is a trickster, which would normally be a detriment. However, every trick he perpetrates is to the benefit of his people. You should absolutely send Maui a prayer. He’s got your back.
18. Chaac – God of Rain
Chaac is very devoted to mankind. I mean, he creates rain so that we can tell someone “the weather’s too bad” and cancel our plans. What’s not to like? He’ll gladly answer your prayers. Just tell him you don’t have the money to get your car washed after a bird pooped on it and he’ll get right to work.
17. Kumbhakarna – The Sleeping Giant
If your prayer is to have the best nap of your life, Kumbhakarna is your guy. Also Mucinex DM, but that’s not a god so I digress. Anyway — as long as he’s awake feel free to pray to him for a good night’s rest. If you’re lucky, he’ll hook you up with one of those dreamless slumbers where you wake up in the morning feeling like you’ve spent the night on another planet.
16. Zhong Kui – The Demon Queller
Intelligent, but supposedly terrifying to look upon, Zhong Kui offers the ultimate protection from demons. Send a little prayer his way if you see the Republican nominee for Vice President enter your donut shop.
15. Awilix – Goddess of the Moon
Awilix is one of those “childless cat ladies” that JD Vance is always talking about. She does not play and will absolutely get things done for you. Her jaguars, while terrifying, are at least good at organizing.
14. Hercules – Champion of Rome
If your lease is up and you’ve got a move planned, it’s worthwhile to send a prayer over to Hercules. He’s essentially the god of lifting heavy stuff. I know for sure he’d help, even if for no other reason than it’s an excuse for him to show off.
13. Janus – God of Portals and Transitions
If you’re going through any type of big change, it’s worth praying to Janus. His whole deal is helping people through transitions, making life easier, and he’s also keenly aware that the cake is a lie. All systems go.
12. Cernunnos – The Horned God
Cernunnos will answer any prayer you send his way as long as you don’t do anything harmful to nature. Yes, that means if you want something from Cernunnos, you had better catch that creepy millipede in the bathroom in a jar and gently set it outside.
11. Neith – Weaver of Fate
Neith has done more for mankind than just about any other god. She feeds people, she clothes them, she makes a weird weaving thing so she can track them after they die. Pray to Neith. She’s like a strip center situated behind an outlet mall.
10. Hera – Queen of the Gods
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose husband won’t stop creating God-children with every woman he sees. Pray to Hera about getting revenge on your crappy ex. She’s on board.
9. Chiron – The Great Teacher
Half horse, half man, all kind and gentle. Chiron is a great warrior who prefers books to battle. He’d be more than happy to answer your prayers, especially if they’re about something like your AP Biology exam. Send him the good stuff. He’ll help.
8. Merlin – The Master Wizard
As I’ve said previously — if you were thinking about praying to King Arthur or Lancelot, I’d recommend skipping them and moving straight to the source: Merlin. Merlin’s down to answer some prayers, but it would probably help grease the wheels if you’ve got a seat of power nearby that he can hover around.
7. Athena – Goddess of Wisdom
She’s a patron of all who fight with dignity; she loves virtue and demands to be worshiped with a righteous fervor. But she’s a good fighter. You have to decide what’s most important: giving Athena the attention she deserves so she can have your back in every bar fight for eternity, or finding another god who might do that for nothing?
6. Nu Wa – Guardian of Heaven
Nu Wa is well known for ruling over a long age of recovery and prosperity, so I can’t think of many gods better to send a prayer to. Not only is she likely to answer it, but she’s likely to go so above and beyond that your life ends up better than you planned. She’s an excellent choice.
5. Hades – King of the Underworld
Hades seems so spooky with a title like “King of the Underworld,” but he’s really not a bad guy. He’ll successfully answer your prayers, but only if he doesn’t have to leave his house (relatable).
4. Bacchus – God of Wine
Bacchus is out here holding feasts, partying, and enjoying himself 24/7. As long as your requests don’t interrupt his events, he’ll do what he can to assist. And if your prayer is to attend a fancy and fun event, you’re in luck! Bacchus can get you Eras Tour tickets. Have fun!
3. Sylvanus – Keeper of the Wild
Sylvanus is a kind, nature-focused god who’d be more than happy to answer any prayer you send his way, as long as it doesn’t require him stepping foot on concrete. He’s even nice enough to let you say “I am Groot” in his vicinity without completely destroying you.
2. Ganesha – God of Success
Generous, warm-hearted, and optimistic, Ganesha can clear any obstacle out of the way for anyone he deems honest and hardworking. Keep your conscience clear and remember: an elephant never forgets.
1. Cupid
We’ve got ourselves a certified lover boy, baby! Especially if your prayers include finding a partner and finally deleting the apps, well, you know Cupid’s your guy. And he’s happy to do it! All you have to do is let him shoot you with an arrow. That’s fine, right?
FINAL DESTINATION — Following a recent trip to a wedding between two Wireframe Fighters, Master Hand returns to their final boss level with a paisley flower henna tattoo.
“Wait, was I supposed to get one too?” stated Crazy Hand upon seeing it. “We need to coordinate these things. I’m supposed to be the wild one so I should have the most accessories. Now I need to go find some pinky rings or something. Maybe I’ll get a real tattoo, just to one-up him.”
Smash Bros. competitor Wario reported that he found it extremely distracting while trying to dodge Master Hand’s finger lasers.
“Wahh! They look like those rich white ladies on TikTok who talk about the dangers of modern medicine,” moaned Wario. “What’s next? Is he gonna start going off about radical unschooling? Will he just steal skits from other creators? Maybe he’ll try ayahuasca? Go back to Coachella!”
Other members of the Smash Bros. roster didn’t mind.
“It looks nice, if you ask me,” said Wii Fitness Trainer. “Let people enjoy things. Getting a flower drawn on you is not a big deal and not a big issue with most people. Nobody batted an eye when Samus got that hacky Punisher tattoo, and she’s never even read the comics.”
At press time, Master Hand had reportedly booked a flight to India after reading “Eat, Pray, Love.”
Conflict with the boss. We’ve all been there, except for the 65% percent of Hard Drive’s readership that our latest polling tells me comprises the unemployed, traveling performance artists, and career criminals. You want to do things one way, your boss wants them done a different way, you get mad, he gets mad, you make a few good points. You think he’s going to admit you’re right, but then he flashes red and shifts away from the actual argument toward veiled threats to fire you, so you cave. I and 35% of the people reading this have been there.
Well, today I didn’t cave! I had been working on this project for six fucking months without any goddamn help from him, and I’ll be damned if I was going to roll over and change the whole thing at the last minute for him. This is my work, and if he wanted more input on how I did it the time for that was any time before now. He wants to fire me? Fine, fire me! Just remember who made that call when the guys upstairs are on your ass because this whole department fell apart!
So he kinda reels back in this weird slow-motion looking way that I had never really soon before, and he sulks back to his office, and I’m thinking, hell yeah, way to stand up for yourself! So I head back to my desk too, and I try to get back to doing my actual work, but something’s bugging me and I can’t quite focus. I can’t really clock what it is at first, but I kinda stop and think, and I realize the music from the argument is still playing! Now that’s never happened to me before, so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I figure I’ll go retrace my steps a bit and see if it goes away.
So when I get back to the spot where we were actually arguing, my boss has the blinds on the little internal windows open, so I can see in pretty well. He’s in there, right, and he’s doing this whole elaborate routine. Like, he’s kind of grabbing his head and thrashing around, and then he puts his hands out at his side and screams. Like holy shit dude, I think you broke the local noise ordinance there, let alone company policy. And he drops to one knee and starts pulling something out from under his desk, and I can’t see what it is at first, but then he stands up straight and he’s holding this giant fuck-off sword!
So naturally, I punch the fire alarm and run off screaming, and that’s why I need you to pick me up. Also, shit, I am so sorry about this, but do you think you can swing paying my bail? I swear to god I’ll pay you back soon, I just finished this big project at work and I’m supposed to be getting a solid bonus out of it.
