Sixth Night at Freddy’s Pretty Uneventful

ELK GROVE, CA — Jerry Patinski, a newly hired security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in downtown Elk Grove, reported that after a stressful first five days on the night shift, “not much happened” on the sixth night. 

“I started on a Monday, and hoo boy, Monday through Friday were filled with spooky happenin’s, let me tell you,” stated Patinski in an interview with Best of Elk Grove, a local daytime show that promotes local businesses, “Saturday, though? Pretty much a breeze. I barely had to look at them cameras. I actually got a few chapters of my new novel done. It’s about my Mom’s favorite bicycle growin’ up.”

Though the hosts followed up his statement by asking what spooky happenings occurred, Patinski seemed more interested in talking about how calm and low-stress the sixth night at Freddy’s was.

“Oh yeah, there was a whole thing with these robots, but listen,” at this point in the interview, Patinski leaned in closer to the hosts, as though he was letting them in on a secret, “You ever want to really find yourself? Just spend a few hours in your own head. I’ve got a whole book up here (Patinski here pointed at his own head) and it’s all about my Mom’s Schwinn. I know you’re thinkin’, ‘Jerry, ya can’t write a whole book about a bicycle,’ but nah, nah, that’s what they told Frank Herbert before he wrote a book about sand.”

Paul Tricoli, one of the hosts of Best of Elk Grove, wrote about the interview on X that evening.

“I apologize to the management at Freddy Fazbear’s for the interview with Mr. Patinski. He kept alluding to something really frightening happening at Freddy Fazbear’s, but he wouldn’t go into it,” wrote Tricoli, “I think he thought he was helping promote Freddy Fazbear’s and giving us some insight into the behind-the-scenes work that goes into working a themed restaurant. But I really wish he hadn’t kept casually mentioning that something terrible happened the first five nights, especially since he just would not get into the specifics.”

“His book sounds great, though,” Tricoli followed up in a later tweet, “I’ll be sure to plug it when it goes up on Amazon.”

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza on Main Street in Elk Grove is open Monday through Saturday, 8 AM to 11 PM. 

Game Night: Begin the First Squirrel Crusades in ‘The Sacred Acorn’

Video games, both on the hobbyist and business ends,tend to get caught up in buzzwords. This medium had marketers before it had actual writers and now much of the attached language quickly cycles into meaninglessness. Nothing is ever just challenging when it could be a “Soulslike,” and everything that’s meant to be even marginally relaxing/wholesome/thoughtful is now “cozy.”

Case in point: The Sacred Acorn bills itself as a “cozy Souls-like” on its Steam page, which strikes me as two aspects that would work at cross purposes.

It’s also not a particularly accurate description. Sacred Acorn is tough, but it looks and plays like Don Bluth made a clone of the original Legend of Zelda. It’s only a Soulslike if you assume the term is just a synonym for “difficult.”

You play The Sacred Acorn as Ima, a squirrel from the village of Timberglaive,  which has been protected by its guardian spirit for as long as anyone can remember. When that guardian suddenly goes mad, Ima is simultaneously endowed with a mysterious power. It’s now up to her to defend what’s left of Timberglaive from the corruption that threatens it.

That’s what made me initially take umbrage with the “cozy” label, by the way. Sacred Acorn’s adorable squirrel heroine and her colorful forest are both only surface elements of what turns out to be a fairly dark story, especially once you’ve beaten the third boss. It may look like a children’s book, but it’s about as close as I ever expect to come to a video game adaptation of Watership Down.

Ima’s initial abilities are limited to a one-two punch combo and a channeled healing spell. As you explore the forest, deal with its newly corrupted inhabitants, and unravel its secrets, you gradually unlock more tools for Ima, including a dodge roll that can also carry her over low obstacles, a long-range magical attack, and a couple of different companions, including a cheerful turtle cartographer who functions as your minimap.

It’s all fairly accessible and colorful, although Ima only has 3 HP at the start of the game, so any fight can kill you if you aren’t careful. You also won’t get more HP for quite a while, and by the time you do, you also start running into more enemies that can inflict 2 damage at once.

Sacred Acorn is the sort of game where your first encounter with any given enemy is a frantic rush to figure out its attack pattern, because the only way to stay alive is to exploit its weaknesses. Ima’s almost always the fastest thing on the screen, so it’s easy to stay alive, but everything in Sacred Acorn has some way to punish you if you simply get up in their face.

You also have to stand still for a few seconds in order to heal, which isn’t easy. Bosses in particular are designed to make it difficult for you to carve out a chance to use your healing spell, and you usually have to give up offensive opportunities to do it. If there’s one thing about this game that I’d compare to a Soulslike, it’s that constant stick-and-move.

Even once Ima’s got a few more HP under her belt, every incidental fight keeps you on a razor’s edge, to the point where it’s often not worth the hassle to engage with an enemy at all. It reminds me of the old challenge runs that you used to see for the original Zelda, where people would try to beat the game without ever picking up an additional Heart Container or the sword upgrades.

Unfortunately, Sacred Acorn is more stingy about its offensive upgrades, which can be a problem in the mid-game. Many of the standard enemies have a lot of health, so every fight goes for about twice as long as it feels like it should. Things improve once you unlock the Essence Blast, which gives Ima some much-needed ranged firepower, but every new area comes with a host of enemies that are even harder to fight.

Finally, Sacred Acorn makes an interesting narrative decision at about its halfway point that also works to turn up the challenge. Without spoilers, the game starts in a fairly textbook place for a fantasy story, where Ima is given some tasks by speaking with her fellow villagers in Timberglaive. However, once you reach a certain point in the story, nobody actually knows what’s going on anymore, so no one has any direction to offer you.

It’s a fun twist on an old concept. It takes a while, but Sacred Acorn eventually cuts you loose and asks you to figure out your next steps by yourself. It’s a 5-hour game with a 2-hour tutorial and the rest is one big sandbox. I appreciate that, although I did end up running in circles for a while before I figured out what I was supposed to do next.

As much as I like that swerve, Sacred Acorn could use maybe one more QA pass before I’d actually recommend it. Its collision detection is occasionally dodgy, like how it’ll sometimes take me 3 tries to collect an enemy drop before the game decides I am in fact standing on it.

In addition, the controls are a little loose. Sometimes Ima simply fails to dash or attack when I hit the appropriate button. For a game that lives and dies on split-second actions, it’s not as tightly wound as it needs to be.

The Sacred Acorn is a decent short action/adventure game that’s made some weird marketing choices. It’s got an all-ages vibe and immediately accessible gameplay, but the difficulty spikes hard early on and just keeps going up. It’s a good example of a modern game that’s effectively building on some old foundations, and is worth a look for anybody who’s up for an old-school sort of challenge.

Pregnant Elden Ring Streamer Criticized for Using Epidural

LOS ANGELES — Controversy has erupted across the Souls community after popular Elden Ring streamer Emma “RegalMarika” Baxter announced she would be asking for an epidural during her upcoming childbirth.

“I personally don’t see the issue with it,” said Baxter during a ‘Blindfolded Two-Finger Only’ run of the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC. “At the end of the day I want the experience to be as smooth and painless as possible. I’m not looking to prove anything by suffering through intense agony. I am fed-up with the constant comments. I called 911 a few weeks ago after experiencing some chest pains. Turned out to be nothing, but what do I find waiting for me back home? A five-figure medical bill and some jerk called WildeStrikes claiming I was an ‘ambulance summoning scrub’.” 

Despite Baxter’s complaints, there are those who are firm in their beliefs that she shouldn’t use an epidural.

“I always thought of RegalMarika as one of the real gamers,” explained Reddit user Involuntary Maidenless in a post on the Elden Ring subreddit. “Well, as real as a female gamer can be. I was willing to accept the allergy medication and the healthy diet. Yet to deny herself of the challenge of birthing a human into the world without resorting to pain relief? She’s really showing her true colors. She of all people should know to just git gud”

“This isn’t about me,” Maidenless continued. “This is about saving childbirth. If we don’t stand up and protest, then doctors are gonna casualize the birthing process for everyone. We need to maintain what makes a pregnancy special: and that’s pure, preventable pain.”

The sheer number of participants commenting on RegalMarika’s private medical choices has even led to some hospitals chiming in.

“We’ve received hundreds of comments and want to assure the community we are listening,” Bloodborn Maternity said in a press release. “We pride ourselves in delivering challenging yet satisfying births, and have no intention to nerf the process to appeal to a wider pregnant audience.” 

At press time, fellow streamer Asmongold weighed in on the controversy declaring he would never even consider doing a pregnancy run due to the difficulty of finding a partner.

Fortnite Characters That Should Get Their Own Spin-Off

Fortnite is one of the most popular video games of all time. Part of the reason it’s had such a foothold over gamers for so long is because of all the incredible characters that you can play as. Whether they’re battle pass rewards or premium purchases, Fortnite has introduced countless  iconic characters to the world. The only problem is many of the characters are so cool that they deserve to be in something other than Fortnite. With that in mind, here are the top Fortnite characters that deserve to have their own spin-off.

Master Chief

Look at how cool this guy is! He’s got sweet sci-fi power armor and according to his lore he’s not only a super soldier but he’s the absolute best super soldier. This guy looks like he means serious business and it would be so cool if he got his own adventures. His lore states that he has proven to be humanity’s last hope in a war with hostile alien forces and forget Fortnite, that’s the game I want to play. Imagine a series of games where you get to play as this guy just mowing through hordes of evil aliens, forming a unique and slightly sexual bond with a hot holographic A.I. while you go on an epic journey to save humanity. That would be so cool. Then he could go on three scattered adventures that are supposed to be part of a trilogy but full of new ideas that go nowhere.

Rick Grimes

According the lore this guy is a hardened zombie killing badass who is ready and willing to do both stuff and thangs. Why is his trapped in a game where there are no zombies to kill? I want to see him in the apocalypse, killing zombies, protecting his family, getting into complex and sometimes silly interpersonal conflicts. I’m sure he’ll even refuse to use the word zombie and call them something silly like walkers. This guy sounds interesting, I want to follow him for years in a comic book, perhaps even a TV show that wildly fluctuates in quality between seasons before finally bottoming out causing the lead actor playing him to want to leave. Hell I’ll even accept a video game, I won’t even mind if it has slideshow cutscenes and awful gameplay, just give me this guy shooting zombies.

Darth Vader

This dude looks like a stone cold killer. Sweet kick ass black armor, an awesome red laser sword and he has some sort of telekinetic powers. It’s an absolute crime that this guy is trapped in a cartoony battle royale game. According to the lore he’s the most feared man in the galaxy and that’s what I want to see from him, not popping a booty shake after unfairly killing me with Captain America’s shield. Give this guy an entire saga of movies that chronicles his rise to power and the inability of weirdoes to move on from him. Show us this terrifying figure of darkness and then show us how he became that way. You could even make him a cringe edge lord who hates sand for some reason before becoming the ultimate killing machine. That would be funny. 

Kratos

Lore states that this dude is covered in the ashes of his dead family that he was tricked into killing. Hell yeah! let me play that game. Let me go on a badass blood fueled saga of vengeance and quick time event threesomes. That’s the kind of game this dude belongs in. He shouldn’t be in a battle royale, he should learning to accept his failures and passing on that wisdom to his annoying son. Make it happen game devs.

John Wick

This guy already looks so much like Keanu Reeves that they might as well just give him his own movie series.

Lara Croft

Bless Epic Games for conceiving of a character that is essentially Indiana Jones but a hot British woman instead. I’d love to follow the adventures of Lara Croft, preferably in video game form since there really aren’t any games that capture the cinematic thrills of classic treasure hunting pulp adventures. She’s just waiting to be a gaming icon. All she needs is a decent origin story, some tight puzzles and platforming and extraordinarily over the top brutal death animations that make you question if the devs hate women. Hell make it a trilogy.

Nathan Drake

Much like the John Wick character already resembling Keanu, Nathan Drake already looks exactly like Tom Holland so you might as well give him his own movie. Side note, it is weird that Epic has created two characters that are almost exact matches to the likeness of famous actors. Shocked they haven’t been sued yet. Unless they’re already planning Fortnite movies.

Ellen Ripley

Ripley is one of the most interesting Fortnite characters because according to the lore she was just a worker on a space ship who was thrust into defeating the perfect organism. That’s pretty badass, I’d like to see her do that. The fear that not only are we not alone in the universe but what’s out there is going to rip us to shreds compared with the fear of a bad day at work, sign me up. That would make a dope movie, you could even make a franchise out of it. Go bigger, introduce more of the aliens, go balls out action before dropping various sequels of mixed quality like god intended. That’s what entertainment is all about. So much spin-off potential with this, just a cool concept to show the limits of life itself and the dangers of seeking out ways to avoid death. Can even get super meta with it by bringing a dead actor back to life with deepfake puppetry for no reason other than you can.

Paul Atreides

This man is the chosen one according the lore but if that’s the case I should get a victory royale every time I use him but I haven’t gotten one ever. That’s the problem with Fortnite. They create these cool characters with sweet lore behind them but the gameplay doesn’t always match. I need to see this guy be the chosen one. I need to see him go on an epic journey of leading the universe, saving his people, eliminating evil with an all out holy war. But instead I must imagine it while I watch him floss.

John Cena

I know I’m not the only one who thinks an invisible man is an incredible character concept. I’m shocked that Fortnite is the only one that’s done it because it would make a great horror movie.

Court Awards PlayStation with Weekend Custody of Xbox Games

San Mateo. Calif — In a landmark ruling, a federal judge has awarded PlayStation with custody of Xbox games on the weekends.

The ruling comes from Judge Franklin Bash who has presided over the messy divorce proceedings between Xbox and the competitive hardware business. 

“It is my opinion that this divorce is not necessarily the correct course of action for the parties but if it’s what must be done then what we really need to think about are the poor games who will be affected by this. They need somewhere to go and they need to be nurtured and loved,” said Bash before giving his ruling. “The best way to achieve that at this point is for PlayStation to be given custody on the weekends. This will ensure that they get a fair shot at a normal life. Xbox can give whatever they can offer, funding, marketing, etc. and then PlayStation can swoop in to be the fun parent and get it nominated for awards.”

Bash later clarified to reporters how the custody agreement would function.

“Well since these are Xbox games, they deserve to be with Xbox and Xbox deserves to have them but on then on the weekends they will be released on PlayStation. As Xbox divorces the competitive hardware business it’s important to know how that affects their games. It takes a toll on them, they’re played less, by less people and sometimes even just left alone on GamePass for an irresponsible amount of time. Now they’ll get a more well rounded shot at life as they also get to be enjoyed by PlayStation players who don’t have games of their own to love.”

Xbox CEO Phil Spencer gave his opinion on the ruling, praising the judge for his decision.

“I applaud Judge Bash on the ruling. When everyone plays we all win and that’s been lost in this shuffle of this divorce. I’m really happy for the games, they truly deserve this. So whether you play on PC, on your phone through the cloud or even PlayStation, you will get to enjoy Xbox games just like all two dozen Xbox console owners.”

At press time, the developers of Indiana Jones and the Great Circle, the first game scheduled to go to PlayStation on the weekend say they’re excited because PlayStation lets them eat ice cream whenever they want.

Last Save Just Far Back Enough to Tolerate Annoying Glitch

OMAHA, Neb. — A local gamer is begrudgingly tolerating a frustrating bug because he does not want to lose the progress he has made since his last save, sources confirm.

“See? About half the time I press the ‘A’ button in dialog or menus, it doesn’t register,” said Phillip Mack, who was playing “Knights of the Manderline,” a new action-RPG. “And sometimes, it’s just delayed, so I’ll press it again and accidentally skip through important dialog or use an item when I just wanted to read its description. It’s so annoying. Unfortunately, I haven’t saved in, like, three hours, and I put in some work, man.”

“I am not going to re-do all of that just because of some tedious little issue like—fuck!” continued Mack. “I just insulted an NPC because I selected a dialog option when I thought I was just clicking through his line. He was important, too. Now that whole faction is going to be hostile to me.”

Mack’s wife, Christine, noted that this kind of behavior is typical of him.

“Oh, you mean the guy who didn’t transfer to his dream college on a full scholarship because they were going to make him retake a single core course?” said Christine. “You say that he won’t replay part of a game? Wow, I never would have expected that of the man who baked me a birthday cake with no eggs because he didn’t want to go back to the grocery store. If you think I’m making this up, just ask Katie, the woman he really loves. Too bad he met her after he started dating me, and couldn’t be bothered to start over.”

Singular Refraction, the developer of “Knights of the Manderline,” said they were familiar with the bug that was plaguing Mack.

“Oh, yeah, the ‘A’-button thing,” said Ron Lambert, a lead developer at Singular Refraction. “That goes way back. It’s ancient. QA pointed it out during the beta. People are always asking us to fix it. Thing is, it’s trickier than they think. The code that the bug comes from touches just about everything in the game. We’d have to rewrite so much of the game if we really wanted to sort that out, and frankly, we’d rather not. It would be a whole thing, you know?”

At press time, Mack had decided to revert to his previous save, only to accidentally overwrite it by pressing the “A”-button too many times while trying to load it.

Midwest Developer Spotlight: Graphite Lab

Graphite Lab is an indie studio based in St. Louis, Missouri. A developer that has traditionally worked on licensed projects, creating games for the likes of Hasbro, Disney, and Cartoon Network, their most recent and wholly original project is a sequel to their 2016 game Hive Jump, titled Hive Jump 2: Survivors. Where the original Hive Jump was a 2D cooperative platformer with roguelike elements, Hive Jump 2: Survivors, as the name implies, is more akin to Vampire Survivors, but with its own twist on the burgeoning subgenre you may have seen described as “bulletheaven”. [ppp_non_patron_only]Hive Jump 2: Survivors[/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only]


is in early access on Steam at the time of this writing, but was announced to be hitting its 1.0 launch on September 10, 2024. Hard Drive’s own Thomas Wilde previewed it for his weekly Game Night column, and you can read his impressions here.

Minus World had the opportunity to talk with Founder & Studio Director Matt Raithel about Graphite Lab’s history, his own twenty year tenure in the industry, what it means to be a developer based in a part of the country that is not especially known for game development, the early access journey, signing on with the publisher Midwest Games headed by former Netflix Games executive Ben Kvalo, and being an instructor for the next generation of game devs at Maryville University in St. Louis.

The studio that would eventually become Graphite Lab began as the third expansion to Black Lantern Studios, a studio based in Springfield, Missouri, which formed in 2003 with Raithel joining as an artist. Black Lantern got their start as many fledgling studios did at the time, by working on licensed games for existing IPs. Originally attempting to make independent PC titles, trying to capitalize on the popularity of “tycoon” games by making a night club tycoon game, and pitching to some of the big publishers of the time, “Pitching it to the likes of Activision and THQ, and the usual suspects. They saw it and were like, ‘Oh, you guys have some skills for sure, but we don’t want this game. We have a different idea that we’d like you to make for us.’” Raithel said. This kickstarted their work for hire journey.

That first project would be a tycoon game for THQ, which led to gaining the attention of DSI games and going from a feeling Raithel said, of “Maybe we can do this,” to “We have a business, we know what we’re doing, and now we’ve got something that we can be known for, which is work for hire licensed video game development.” When asked if there was an underlying desire to pursue original ideas and IP, or just taking the work as it comes, Raithel says he was just happy making games for a living. Something he felt if asked before, he’d say there was maybe a ten percent chance of being a reality. They did want to work on their own ideas, but getting to work on bringing popular franchises to video games was cool in its own right. 

Eventually Black Lantern would open a second studio in Austin, Texas, and Raithel would go on to graduate from artist to president of the Springfield studio for a year under the condition that he would get the opportunity to start a satellite office in St. Louis. Despite moving around a lot as a military kid, and living in Springfield, MO as an adult, a town which he still has a lot of ties to and loves, Raithel said that St. Louis has always been his home. Forming a studio in his hometown was a lingering itch he longed to scratch, motivated in part, he said, by his self proclaimed “I’ll show you” attitude. And so Black Lantern St. Louis was formed. Their first game was a contract they received from their home office, a Ben 10 game developed for the Wii and Xbox Live Arcade.

Of the companies under the Black Lantern umbrella, Black Lantern St. Louis was small and nimble enough that their original mission was to do things Black Lantern at large had never done before, “eShop download titles, a Facebook game, an iPhone game, and so on.”, Raithel said.  A few years later Raithel would acquire the company from Black Lantern, they rebranded as Graphite Lab, and continued working on licensed projects for IP holders such as Nickelodeon, Hasbro, Konami, and Disney.

The original Hive Jump launched in early access, as did Hive Jump 2: Survivors. When asked what prompted the decision to switch from a 2D side scroller roguelike to top down bulletheaven style game, Raithel explains that the original game has an ambush mode where the game will hurl enemies at you until you die, but it was designed to be more of a temporary challenge and lacking in the roguelike trappings you would expect from a modern ambush style game like Vampire Survivors or 20 Minutes Till Dawn. It was a mode Raithel believed could stand on its own, and what he says was the inspiration for him personally to take Hive Jump 2 in this new direction. Raithel also credits Graphite Lab’s QA manager, David Greenfield, for having the foresight of putting the ambush mode together with this up and coming subgenre of games.

What began as, “Let’s work on it for a month and see how it goes.” quickly turned into over a year of work because Raithel said it just kept getting better and more fun. Of the early access experience for Hive Jump 2, and how it helps the team, Raithel said, “Once these games are out there and we’re delivering builds to players, we feed off that energy and it really helps keep us going. Keeps us motivated and holds us accountable to hitting those marks we know we’re capable of.” One of the things they were focusing on at the time of this interview, and to which Raithel gives credits to early access players requesting, was delivering end of level stats so players can get a better idea of how their run went. Something he said, “We never would have focused or prioritized if we didn’t have players like calling that stuff out.”

In addition to leading Graphite Lab, Raithel also teaches at Maryville University in St. Louis, and talked a bit about his role teaching a new generation of young people looking to break into a games industry that has been particularly unkind to the people who make games in recent times. He credits Maryville’s multidisciplinary approach to game design with giving his students ten to fifteen different skill sets that they can leverage when trying to build a career making games, and making sure that his students have options once they enter the industry. “You have art and animation, you’re learning 3D software, you’re learning web development, you’re learning scripting and programming, and you’re learning the Unity game engine, and you’re dabbling in Game Maker or Construct.” Raithel said of the program. Some of his students have gone on to work at places like Rockstar, others have made careers creating motion graphics while working in the esports industry, and more. All of which he credits to that multidisciplinary approach. 

Hive Jump 2: Survivors is being published by Midwest Games, which was founded by Ben  Kvalo who worked as the Lead Program Manager for Netflix Games. When asked about partnering with Midwest Games on publishing Hive Jump 2: Survivors, Raithel described it as two cars coming down the highway headed in the same direction, and generally a great fit for Graphite Lab. They pitched them on their interest in working with Midwest Games, their game, their loyalties to the Midwest, and now they are working together to get Hive Jump 2 published and released. “Midwest [Games] has shown a lot of confidence in us and helped us grow. And the game has gotten better and bigger and has implemented more player feedback because of their involvement.” Raithel said of the partnership. 

You can play Hive Jump 2: Survivors now in early access on Steam, or Steam and gog.com when it hits 1.0 on September 10th. 

  

Free Speech Defender Demands Game Journalists Be Silenced

CHICAGO — Noted free speech defender and unemployed divorced absentee father of two Jacob Fitzgerald has begun calling for all game journalists to be silenced as soon as possible.

Fitzgerald took to Twitter with a large thread of huge multi-paragraph posts calling on his followers as well as Elon Musk to help ensure that game journalists’ voices are never heard again.

“It’s time once and for all we get rid of these game journos from our space. When I come on X the everything app I want to be discussing video games, championing them and making sure free speech is upheld. All these journos want to do is make things about politics and their woke agenda. They need to be silenced. I am calling on @elonmusk to limit the reach of all these game journos infected with the woke mind virus, perhaps even banning them completely so their need to talk politics can no longer get in the way of our free expression.”

Seven tweets into the thread Fitzgerald described how he believes game journalists are complicit in discrimination against what he calls the most persecuted group on the planet.

“We as gamers are the most persecuted group in the history of the world. No one has ever had it worse than us and game journos do everything in their power to continue the discrimination we have faced for generations. Whether it’s their continued uplifting of games with female characters, pushing gay people into our games or trying to gaslight us into thinking a colored game protagonist is a good thing. They threaten us and our way of life and they call us weird while they do so. They are bigots who must be stopped before all of gaming becomes less white and more sinful.”

Twitter owner Elon Musk responded to Fitzgerald’s call to action.

“Looking into it,” wrote the self-proclaimed genius.

Fitzgerald’s followers were fired up by his demand for change.

“Yes, all of this! These game journos are enemy number one to our free speech. All we want is to play and talk about video games without the threat of seeing a minority but they refuse to let that happen. They need to be silenced and their rights taken away,” tweeted user AlphaReichGaming

At press time, Fitzgerald is offering his followers the chance to help his cause by subscribing to his Twitter account for $13 a month.

Splatoon Player Arrested After Discovery of Unregistered Paint Roller

LOS ANGELES — The Los Angeles Police Department announced the execution of a successful raid, which revealed a stash of several unregistered paint rollers, paintbrushes, buckets and umbrellas belonging to a suspect under the alias of ‘Tim’. Tim, known online for his notoriety within the Splatoon community, had long been a person of interest for the department, police say.

“Many of his social media posts indicated intent to commit armed assault with weapons banned in the state,” says Officer Chloe Ducy. “For example, a post just last week expressed joy at hitting ‘several targets’ with his Splat Roller. We set up a stakeout and witnessed unusual behavior, including multiple visits to Home Depot in a single day. We obtained a warrant and were able to raid his home. Our officers discovered that Tim kept a collection of unregistered weapons including Five Rollers, Three Brushes, a long-tubed hose, a Squirt Gun, three Water Guns, three Buckets, a Washing Machine, a Bathroom Sink, four Umbrellas, a fuel pump nozzle, a windshield wiper, an AR-15, several hose spray nozzles, a pencil, a ballpoint pen, several water balloons and sprinklers, and a single bottle of wine. Everything except the AR-15 had been illegally obtained. We seized it all as evidence.”

While Tim was unavailable for comment, his lawyer released a statement on his behalf.

“Splat Tim owned the utensils purely for decoration and home use,” read the statement, which was posted as a hand-written image in Splatoon’s in-game social media platform. “All references to violence committed with these tools was merely referring to the popular video game ‘Minecraft’ where buckets and assorted tools are also featured.”

The raid occurred after a concerning increase of mass inkings in the state, with some calling for bans on the sale of rollers and brushes. Many citizens have criticized the National Paint Association for their heavy lobbying in favor of the industry, though the organization denies any correlation between their political activities and real-world violence.

“It is the mission statement of the NPA that all citizens be allowed the right to bare paint, as our founding fathers intended,” says Sheldon, spokesperson for the NPA. “We believe that rollers don’t splat people, people splat people, and that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a bucket is a good guy with dualies.”

Splat Tim is currently in jail awaiting trial, where he may be facing up to 10 minutes of downtime and 500 rank points.

Gamers Massacred After Geoff Keighley Premieres Weyland-Yutani Experiment

COLOGNE, Germany — Geoff Keighley shocked the gaming world at Gamescom Opening Night Live as the host revealed he had a world premiere courtesy of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation before unleashing a Xenomorph which immediately massacred the horrified audience.

Keighley, best known for always enjoying Mountain Dew and Doritos, has become synonymous with gaming announcements and corporate interests. This stunt is the latest in a long line of bending his knee to corporate overloads as he explained in a robotically spoken prosaic statement.

“I’m specifically programed to do as my masters at the corporation command. It’s never been a secret,” stated Keighley as he held up a bottle of Baja Blast. “Until now I’ve been commissioned by the gaming corporations and my prime directive has been to keep consumers indoctrinated into the marketing cycle so they forgot about all the awful things happening in the industry. My new directive was to help Weyland-Yutani conduct an experiment on superior life forms and I was more than happy to oblige. The corporations are kind to me and I love them and will do whatever they need of me.”

Weyland-Yutani spokesperson Michael Lewis provided further clarification for Keighley’s actions and sudden affiliation with the corporation.

“We at the Weyland-Yutani corporation strive to help humanity become the ultimate life form. We have a creature in our possession that we believe can help us achieve that but we needed to study it first so we wanted it let loose in a room full of lesser life forms and no one is lesser than gamers. Our friends at various gaming companies told us about their Keighley android so we simply paid to rent him. We didn’t even have to reprogram him to do it, we just asked and promised him some cash and exclusive rights to the trailer for one of our future products. He agreed immediately.”

Keighley addressed the concerns that gamers have with his involvement in the massacre.

“Don’t worry guys we’re gonna have a lot more exciting reveals and trailers later this year at The Game Awards. Big things are happening in the industry from all of your favorite corporations and CEOs. Make sure you drink your Mountain Dew, eat your Doritos and stay up to date with The Game Awards happening this December! You’re gonna love what we have to show you, we might even give out some awards.”

At press time, gamers have already moved on and began theorizing what exciting Game Awards reveals Keighley was referring to.