Wikipedia Awfully Close to Selling Your Data Unless You Fork Over Some Cash

Posted on by Nick Coffman

SAN FRANCISCO – In their latest fund raising effort, Wikipedia has threatened to sell user data unless readers stop what they are doing and donate to the site immediately.

Fundraising Chair of the Wikimedia Foundation, Doug Loveless, confirmed the dire actions in a website pop-up “demanding $3…or else.”

“Listen up you cheap sacks of shit, we’ve kept the ads, paywalls, and Elon at bay for as long as we could,” Loveless’ popup read. “If everyone reading this does not pay $3, I will be forced to share the dirty things you look up on our little website.” 

No matter what page I clicked on, Loveless’ message followed.. JFK’s extramarital activities, pop-up. Hitler’s car, pop-up. Best restaurant bathrooms in Chicago, pop-up. Loveless was not ready to give up.

“Only 2% of you ingrates actually donate when we do these! NPR made $800,000 last year. What do we have to do, give you a shitty tote bag,” Loveless pondered in a pop-up that exceeded the length of the webpage. “Fuck that. I don’t get $50 right now, I’m telling everyone what Doug in Elgin, Illinois looks up every day. After that, I’ll continue down the list. And then after that maybe I’ll sell all our searches to some tech company. You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

Things continued to escalate until Doug’s message stopped and was replaced by a new pop-up.

“Sorry, Doug had to step away. He’s just a bit stressed at the moment,” the unidentified Wikimedia Foundation worker wrote. “He’s being a bit harsh, but he’s right. If more of you don’t donate, we’ll be forced to share your data. It’s either that or a Patreon that doesn’t yield many additional perks. Pick your poison.”

At press time the Wikimedia Foundation had broken donation records and staved off Patreon and selling data, for now.

Help! I’m Locked Out of My House and the Locksmith I Hired Just Keeps Telling Me to Let My Heart Be My Guiding Key!

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Help! Please! I accidentally left my keys inside my house and the door is locked and I can’t get back in! I called my local locksmith but he hasn’t done anything to actually help me. He just keeps telling me to, “let my heart be my guiding key!” What does that even mean? Please, if anyone knows anyone else who can come by, I need to get back inside right away. My 3-year-old is in there all alone and the stove is on!

To make matters worse, this kid is literally carrying a giant key. It’s almost like he’s taunting me! Not that it’s doing any good, though; it’s way too big to fit in my door’s keyhole and every time I try to take it from him it just disappears and reappears back in his hand! I don’t know why this idiot didn’t bring a lockpick set or something, but I’m at my wit’s end. I heard something break inside the house! What if my kid knocked over a vase and there’s sharp glass on the floor now?!

I’ve tried calling other locksmiths in the area but no one could get out here anytime soon. When I called one such company they even told me this guy out here isn’t even a “keyblade master” and failed his mark of mastery exam. I don’t know exactly what that means, but it doesn’t sound good and I’m still standing outside while my toddler wanders alone in my house, possibly breaking more things. And who knows what they could be eating in there?

As despair is starting to set in and I realize that I may have to wait for my wife to get home, this jerk just keeps saying nonsensical platitudes. I told him I was having heart palpitations because I was stressed and I have a weak heart and he said, “That’s not true! The heart may be weak, and sometimes it may even give in. But I’ve learned that deep down, there’s a light that never goes out!” I don’t even know what that means. I think he was just waiting for me to talk about my heart because now he won’t shut up about hearts.

Oh, thank God. I just got off the phone with this kid’s boss. Looks like this other guy Riku is gonna come by, and apparently he’s the best. For some reason the first guy—Sora—is the only one who ever shows up.

Worst case scenario, I’m just gonna break a window. This little prick isn’t gonna stop me, and I gotta get in there before my kid eats all my sea salt ice cream!

Samsung Sues Israel For Patent Infringement

Posted on by Matt Fresh

RIDGEFIELD PARK, N.J. — In the wake of Israel’s spec-ops operation causing hundreds of wireless electronics to explode, Samsung has filed a patent infringement lawsuit against the nation, claiming that they own the sole rights to manufacture exploding wireless electronics.

“We saw on the news what Israel has done and we were absolutely horrified at what we saw,” said Samsung representative Josh Bing in a press statement. “The flagrant stealing of our intellectual property and devices with which we are sole legal owners was appalling to say the least. Samsung has owned the patent on exploding wireless devices since 2016. While we exclusively dealt in exploding phones, our patent extends to any wireless electronic so there is no doubt that Israel crossed a line here and they will pay the consequences for stealing our invention. Genocide all you want but don’t steal our stuff.”

The international community was quick to condemn Israel in the wake of the lawsuit filing.

“Israel has firmly crossed a line with their actions. To so flagrantly and without remorse steal intellectual property that is not theirs,” said U.N. spokesperson Wanda Greene. “The entire international community condemns the appalling actions of Israel and are firmly on the side of Samsung. There are some things that you don’t do, even when you are in a state of conflict and infringing on the patent of an innocent party is close to the top of the list. We understand that they are in middle of enacting a genocide but there are ways to do it without breaking the laws we care about upholding.”

President Joe Biden, whose administration has helped fund Israel’s genocide was asked about the lawsuit during a press conference.

“Listen Jack, if I had known that big Ben was going to steal Samsung’s invention then I never would have wired him the funds he needed to make them. When I asked Brad if there were going to be any innocent casualties with this, he assured me there would only be some civilians caught in the crosshairs, maybe a few kids. So I signed that check and got myself a fresh cone. If I knew that an innocent corporation’s intellectual property was going to be blatantly stolen, I would have told Bentley that he had another thing coming if he thought I would willingly help old CornPop steal the hot dog cart.”

At press time, Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu vowed that they will do better in the future to kill civilians in more original ways.

Report: That’s Bullshit I was Aiming Right at Him

Posted on by Jamie FitzPatrick

ORLANDO, Fla. — Calls for debugging the latest and most popular first person shooter have been made in the wake of claims that I was literally aiming directly at that guy.

“We take every report seriously. It’s entirely possible that the game experiences intermittent glitches that could affect accuracy, but certainly not in the volume this complaint is claiming” responded dipshit technical support engineer Caroline Buckwater. “We often get requests to look into problems like these, and they nearly always trace back to what we would call a skill issue.”

Despite the hearsay of incompetent game developers, several other sources have corroborated that I completely had him in my sights and that should have been a kill.

“Yeah I guess it could have been lag or some funky hitbox problem, he seems pretty fired up about it” reported local gamer and decent teammate Colin Preston. “I was playing with him that night and he kept talking about how he was going to clinch the win for us, then all of the sudden I heard a bunch of cursing and saw that he died. He had been pretty on point all night, but he doesn’t usually admit when he’s the one who loses us a game.”

Even with witness accounts piling up, some people still don’t seem to have a strong opinion either way on the matter of how unbelievable it is that I didn’t hit that guy.

“I don’t even know what game he’s playing, I just wish he would get out of the house a little more” explained chicken nugget supplier and aging mother Luanne FitzPatrick. “He spends so much time in the basement screaming about god-knows-what, I worry he’s never going to meet a nice girl and move out of here.”

At press time, in light of mounting controversy over this incident, I will be playing Stardew Valley tonight.

Speak No Evil Review: They Sure Did Speak a Lot in This Movie

Posted on by Matt Fresh

As a big fan of James McAvoy I was a little shocked to learn he had a new movie out in theaters now. I mean you’d think that they would have done any marketing at all but they just didn’t. There isn’t even a trailer for this film, so I would not be surprised if this review is the first you’ve ever heard of Speak No Evil. But being the huge McAvoyeur that I am, as soon as I walked into my local cinema and saw this poster I immediately bought a ticket and let me tell you, this was not the movie that I expected.

This movie is called Speak No Evil and yet it was full of dialogue. Just non stop conversations the whole way. Not only are they speaking but McAvoy in particular is very often speaking in quite a sinister, some may even say evil manner. They should have called the movie Speak Lots of Evil because that’s what happens the entire 1hr50 runtime. I kept waiting for there to come a point when something would happen that would cause all the speaking to stop but it never did. In fact they spoke more as the film went on and it got more evil. Just a completely flabbergasting film to watch.

According to my post viewing research, this is a remake of a Danish film that’s also called Speak No Evil which came out just 2 years ago. Now I’m sure this film is at least better than the original since everyone knows that Hollywood films are always better than foreign films. But I was curious to see if the Danish one also bamboozled the audience by featuring copious amounts of speaking and it turns out it did. So I guess this is a faithful remake but what’s the point of remaking a subtitled foreign film if you are not going to improve upon it the way every Hollywood remake has done.

So overall I cannot recommend this film. It’s simply too frustrating to watch and it completely destroys any trust with the audience. If you’re a die hard McAvoyeur like I am you may get something out of this because he is delightful here as a gracious host who is increasingly pushed to his limit by annoying and ungrateful house guests. But that’s all this film has going for it. When I go to a film called Speak No Evil, I don’t expect much but the bare minimum is that there should be no speaking and certainly no evil speaking and this film is almost nothing but that. I feel betrayed as a viewer.

Speak No Evil: ★☆☆☆☆

New Wordle Expansion Pack Includes Never-Before-Seen Letters

Posted on by Kayleigh Birch

NEW YORK — The New York Times has announced a new expansion pack for the beloved daily word game, Wordle – now featuring new, never-before-seen letters.

It’s no secret that Wordle has had a difficult year: after a controversial game update to remove the letter “E” entirely, player count dropped by 80%.

“You know, people weren’t using the letter responsibly. GREFT? RENKS? Come on. At least try a little. Every time you play Wordle, real people have to check those answers, you know? And you’re wasting their precious time,” said Tracy Bennett, Editor of Wordle, at a press conference earlier today.

“But honestly, we didn’t know that people felt so strongly about a run-of-the-mill vowel. And yeah they were mad. So, we thought, maybe we bring “E” back — maybe even two Es — and see if people would pay for that. The ol’ “Bottled Water” approach. But then we thought, why limit ourselves to introducing letters seen time and time again when we could reinvent language itself?”

The new Wordle expansion pack, available as a monthly or annual subscription, allows you to use brand new letters, such as ᘅ, ⱷ, and even that one impossible-to-type letter that looks like a shark with a really hooked nose, in your favorite classic Wordle words. Joe Kahn, Executive Editor of The New York Times, shares,

“With the new expansion pack, you can interact with your favorite words like never before, all while absolutely demolishing your self-aggrandizing friends who swear they know every single word. Guess what? They don’t know the one you typed today. ‘Cause you just invented it.”

When questioned about the origin of the new letters, Kahn donned a shifting, darker tone, as if he were reminded of something darker he longed to forget.

”Where did the letters come from? That’s none of my business. All I know is if we take our feet off of the gas here, someone’s really gonna get hurt. Really hurt. Do you understand? I’ve come too far — too far — to go back to living my life in fear. I know what they’re capable of. And I hope that NYT Games enthusiasts never have to learn the way I did…” He would not respond for comment on who “they” refers to.

At press time, every new user of the Wordle expansion pack has reported it cannot be implemented into the puzzle unless they sit through 3-5 unskippable ads for the popular iPhone game, Royal Match. They have all tried to find the exit button of said ads, however the buttons in question are very small and very transparent.

Pocketpair Hires Identical Lawyers with Guns

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TOKYO — In the wake of Nintendo officially filing a patent infringement lawsuit against them, Palworld developer Pocketpair has announced that they have hired lawyers identical to Nintendo’s but with guns.

“Nintendo’s lawyers may be an institution in the gaming world but our lawyers are the exact same but with guns which makes them better and cooler,” said Pocketpair President Hiroshi Takeshita in an official statement. “The simple fact of the matter is that Nintendo’s lawyers have had diminishing returns for a while now. They’re the same lawyers they’ve been for over a decade with no meaningful changes. In some aspects they’ve even gotten worse. Our lawyers on the other hand are fresh, new and exciting. They have guns. Isn’t that such a cool way for lawyers to innovate?”

Benjamin Cassidy, a gaming YouTuber with an expertise in law was quick to weigh in on social media.

“Well there is no doubt in my mind that Nintendo does have a credible case. I mean anyone with eyes can see that many of Palworld’s designs are direct lifts of Pokémon,” posted Cassidy to Twitter. “Having said that, Pocketpairs lawyers have guns and that’s just so cool and funny. I mean lawyers with guns. Come on. So I think there’s a real chance that the court just won’t care what Nintendo’s lawyers have to say since they’ll be so taken aback by the comedy factor of lawyers with guns.”

Despite how equipping their lawyers with firearms may make them look, Takeshita assures that his company is innocent of any infringement and their lawyers will be able to defeat Nintendo’s.

“There was no stealing taking place at all. We used AI and the prompt was clear. Make Pokémon like creatures. So it couldn’t have been stolen and even if they were too similar, Pals have guns which makes them different and that’s what our lawyers will argue and they will argue better than Nintendo’s because they have guns. Nintendo’s lawyers will not be prepared for our firepower. They have spent the last few years doing nothing but suing fans so they won’t be prepared to face lawyers that are completely identical to them but are better because as I said before, they have guns.”

At press time, Nintendo responded, claiming guns or no they will come after Pocketpair with the same fury with which they go after 17-year olds who make fan games.

Uh-oh! You Took Too Long Responding To This NPC & Now He Thinks You’re Mad At Him

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

THE WASTELAND — What started out as a cordial interaction with “Fallout 4” NPC and innkeeper Tony Savoldi quickly became awkward after you took too long to respond to his dialogue, prompting the motel owner to think that maybe you’re mad at him or something, sources confirm.

“Hey, weren’t we talking about you renting a room? You need one,” Savoldi reportedly asked, being met with nothing but cold, terrible silence from you, leaving Tony casually swaying back and forth behind the counter. “Crap,” Savoldi told other Bunker Hill NPCs, “I mean I know my dad and I can be rough around the edges, but all I asked was if he wanted to rent a room. Did I do something wrong?”

The hard-working and well-meaning bed-renter then started to really get in his own head about it, according to his neighbors.

“I mean there he is, this guy just comes into me and my dad’s bar-slash-motel all weary-looking, like he’s just been wandering through the wilderness, so I ask if he needs a room. And what’s he doing? Just staring at me with those dead eyes, not saying anything but not turning around and leaving, either. I didn’t mean to offend the guy.”

After almost 30 minutes with no response, Savoldi began to get scared, according to reports from the scene. “This is exactly why I want to go off and join the Railroad freedom fighters. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this spooky stuff.” Savoldi said.

It’s being reported that the situation was resolved once you finally got around to responding “I’ll take it.”

“Oh my God, what a relief.” Savoldi said in a statement. “I rented the guy a mattress, but that was pretty harrowing. I never want to see him again, if I’m honest”, adding “I thought he was gonna shoot me. I’m just glad he wasn’t actually mad.”

At press time, Savoldi was seen reducing your nightly rate by three bottle caps just to make sure the two of you are all good.

K.K. Slider Announces He Fathered Litter Outside of Marriage

Posted on by Nick Coffman

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Long time solo rocker and Jack Russell Terrier K.K. Slider revealed earlier this week that he fathered a litter of puppies outside of his 22-year marriage. Slider revealed his secret love puppies in a video interview with The Nook Yorker.

“I’ve recently become the father of a new litter of eight puppies, born outside of my marriage. I plan to be a good boy and be a loving parent to the puppies who aren’t eaten by their mother,” Slider said, guitar in hand. “I’m on the road alot, but I am going to do everything in my power to be present in those puppies’ lives.”

Slider met his now wife, Daisy Dig, in 2002 when one of his concerts overlapped with her fossil excavation on the same night.  The two married soon after and had 11 sons, Parker, Hank, Ralph, Jack, Russel, Charlie, Buster, Duke, Rex, Goose, and Brad, and three daughters, Lily, Rose, and Ginger.

“I love Daisy and all our pups. I know I am in the dog house right now, but I’m begging for their forgiveness,” Slider confessed while howling, as if he were in pain. “I still dig that chick. I hope we can come out on the other end of this with her still digging me.”

In a statement put out by Dig, the long-time paleontologist shared details on the status of her marriage and brought to light some of the challenges the relationship has faced in the past.

“You’re kidding yourself if you think this is the first time he’s done this,” Dig wrote. “I know who K.K. is better than anyone else. I know all this comes with the territory of him being a traveling dog. I’ve seen the bitches and villagers howling at him from village to village, from island to island. I know what I signed up for, but I’m also not just going to sit here and pretend to be shocked. I’m also not going to sit here and let you all feel sorry for me. Every dog has their day. I’ll get mine, bow-WOW.”

At press time, half of Slider’s new litter of puppies had been eaten by their mother.

Jack Black Already Adding Sims Movie to His IMDb Page

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Actor and comedian Jack Black was seen adding a credit for the upcoming film based on Electronic Arts’ Sims franchise to his IMDb page shortly after the movie’s recent announcement, sources confirm.

“It’s a video game movie. Of course I’m in it,” said Black, leaning over his keyboard. “I’ve sacrificed a lot for this career. I literally threw my best friend and comedy partner under the bus to preserve it. If I destroyed that relationship and don’t continue getting cast in these vapid, pointless adaptations of gaming properties, what was it all for?”

Producer Margot Robbie said she initially did not believe the reports.

“I kept getting all these texts from people saying I made a good choice in casting Jack,” said Robbie. “I assumed they were joking or that someone had vandalized his IMDb. By the time I realized he was the one responsible, everyone in the production was just acting like it was true. Our director Kate Herron was mad that I hadn’t consulted her, but excited to work with him. I don’t know. I guess Jack Black is in the Sims movie.”

Industry analysts noted that this isn’t the first time an actor has taken their career in their own hands.

“Sure, they edit their own IMDb pages all the time,” said entertainment journalist and historian Gene Clayton. “And that’s not the half of it. Jared Leto just started doing press for ‘Suicide Squad’ without asking because he wanted to play the Joker so bad. That—plus sending weirdly threatening gifts to the filmmakers to prove he was ‘method’—was enough to land him the part. Ben Affleck famously parked a trailer with a sign reading ‘Bruce Wayne/Batman’ on the Warner lot until Snyder caved. Chris Pratt found an early screenplay for ‘The Super Mario Bros. Movie’ on the Dark Web and recorded all his lines at home. The suits at Illumination and Nintendo decided it would be cheaper and easier to just use that audio than find someone who could actually voice act. These guys aren’t just successful by accident.”

At press time, Black was seen editing Jim Carrey’s IMDb page, removing Carrey’s Sonic franchise credits and adding them to his own page.