“Xenu Would Never Let a Mission: Impossible Stunt Go Wrong,” Our Interview With Tom Cruise

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

While recently out promoting his newest blockbuster film Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One, Tom Cruise sat down with Hard Drive for what I have to assume was some sort of logistical error. Nevertheless, here’s our interview with the action star! 

What are your thoughts on the SAG-AFTRA strike?

I support the union fully, and am so grateful for my fellow actors for holding down the picket line while I fly around in a jetpack brainstorming ideas for my next movie.

What is your all time favorite film?

It’s an all-time tie between every movie I’ve ever seen. Except Batman Begins, with Katie Holmes. That movie sucks!

What is a performance of yours you feel is underrated?

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. A lot of people don’t even realize I played Rick Moranis in that film.

Do you ever play video games?

No, I find them to be a huge waste of time. I’d rather be studying Scientology.

What do you like to do with your free time in between movies?

I rent a house in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I assume a secret identity and work at a grocery store. It’s more exhilarating than any stunt I’ve ever performed.

Have you seen the new Ninja Turtles movie yet?

No, not yet. I have to work up the courage before I see something scary like that.

How does it feel having never won an Academy Award?

Oh trust me, I’m fine with it. Say, is Daniel Day-Lewis level OT7 in the Church of Scientology? Oh, he isn’t? Okay, interesting.

What’s it like being so powerful in the world of Scientology?

Say one bad word about Scientology and I will show you. I’m just kidding! Lighten up, will ya? But seriously, let’s change topics.

Is there a role you wish you could have played but didn’t?

Yes, every single role Kevin Costner has done. I lay awake at night and wish I had his everyman charm and working class believability. As such, I have sworn to strike him down using moves I learned while making The Last Samurai.

Do you remember that time you went on Oprah and jumped on the couch and screamed like an idiot?

Yes, I remember the time I went on Oprah and jumped on the couch and screamed like an idiot.

Were you disappointed when there weren’t any sequels to ‘The Mummy’?

Oh, I don’t know. Do you a think a mother gets sad when her children are kidnapped, tortured, and murdered?!

Why are you so fearless in your stunt work?

Xenu would never let a Mission: Impossible stunt go wrong. He loves those movies too much.

What do you think you’d do if you weren’t an actor?

I’d probably like to find some other job that lets me be wildly irresponsible with as many people’s money as possible. Politics, I guess. 

Why haven’t you been in a Marvel movie yet?

Because I’m holding out to play Spider-Man eventually.

What was it like shooting sex scenes with Nicole Kidman, your wife at the time, for ‘Eyes Wide Shut’?

Some of the hardest acting I’ve ever had to do in my life. I’d rather jump out of a plane any day of the week. 

What was your first reaction when you read the script for ‘Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One’?

I thought with a name that snappy, it just had to be good.

What is your favorite sport?

The only sport I give a crap about is the one I made up that combines race cars and basketball that everyone is too scared to play with me.

What was it like working with Cameron Diaz in Knight and Day 

Cameron was incredible! She was polite and crouched down in all of our scenes so that I would look a little bit taller than her. An incredible actress. 

What’s next for Tom Cruise?

I’m going to finish this interview and jump out of that window over there.

 

Every Fallout Game Ranked (Specifically to Bother Todd Howard)

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

Did you know there’s 9 whole Fallout games? And that some of them weren’t made by Todd Howard?! Well I did, asshole. So here’s all of them ranked. No funny business.

#9: Fallout Shelter

As the only game in the Fallout franchise playable on a Tesla, Fallout Shelter was designed with failure in mind. This free-to-play vault building simulator is a massive departure from the rest of the series by being closer to one of those disturbing ads you get before a YouTube video that installs malware on your phone, but with a Fallout skin!

Featuring limited gameplay and pernicious microtransactions, it’s hard to see Fallout Shelter as anything more than a quick cash grab leading up to the release of Fallout 4 by tricking children into spending their parents credit card on a Preston Garvey Vault Dweller. Caps well spent, kids!

#8: Fallout 76

Wow, the first multiplayer Fallout! Thanks to the fine folks at Bethesda Softworks, roaming the post-apocalyptic ruins of Appalachia has never been less fun than in Fallout 76. Todd, baby, what were you thinking? 

This pay-to-win gimmicky mess came to us as many modern AAA games do, an unplayable and featureless bore with more bugs than a Cazador nest. Fallout 76 dropped in 2018 with no NPCs, half-assed quests, and endless bullet sponge mutated creatures to pointlessly shoot. While fans claim the game has been significantly improved over the years through seasonal expansion packs, the core issue of it being dogshit remains unaddressed.

Editor’s note: I believe our editor Andy Holt swears this game is now terrific.

As the most recent (and last) release in the franchise, Fallout 76 continues the Bethesda trend of decimating any traditional RPG mechanics and replacing it with hilariously janky gameplay. But hey, at least you and your closest friends can clip through the floor of an Enclave bunker together! If it wasn’t for that catchy cover of “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” this game probably would’ve flopped even harder.

#7: Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel

The undisputed worst game of the Interplay era has got to be Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel. This infamously baffling spinoff drops all open world and role playing elements of previous games in favor of on-the-rails action and cringey Slipknot needle drops. 

Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel was the first Fallout game designed to be playable on consoles, and it shows. Its shitty, shallow, and mind-numbing gameplay fit it perfectly within the realm of other early aughts shlock that lined the shelves of the Xbox and PS2 sections of your local GameStop. 

#6: Fallout 4

Fallout 4 was one of the most anticipated games of all time, riding off the wave of hype generated by Bethesda’s mega hits in Skyrim and Fallout 3. As a lot of younger fans’ first entry into the franchise, Fallout 4 was an undeniable critical and commercial success. Too bad it sucks!

As the worst of the mainline games, “Fallout 4” is a trainwreck of bad design and even worse writing. Misguided in almost every way with a hyperfocus on streamlined, accessible trait picking and a pre-packaged protagonist that totally nukes any opportunity for personalized role-playing. Bethesda’s choice to force a Bioware-style dialogue wheel into Fallout 4 will go down in history as one of the most baffling design bungles since the time Bethesda got rid of skills in Fallout 4. Oh yeah, you know the most basic building block of any RPG? Choosing skills for your character? Yup, it’s gone, rolled up into vague and nebulous perks that leave every playthrough feeling identical to the last. 

All this negativity isn’t to say Fallout 4 is totally unplayable, oh no. It has its moments. The game’s attempts to grasp at a more dynamic faction system is admirable, if a bit undercooked. The Brotherhood of Steel and Institute are far more interesting than the milquetoast storytelling of Fallout 3, but Bethesda doesn’t go far enough in making player choice feel meaningful within their world. Any fan of Fallout 4 would say its two saving graces are gunplay and the crafting system. While it’s true that they’re the most fleshed out elements, this is still a Bethesda game at its core. How good could the gunplay possibly be on a jerry-rigged Gamebryo engine slapped with fresh paint? Fallout 4 wins the losers bracket of “good shooting,” but if you play literally any other game, it’s not saying much.

#5: Fallout Tactics

Yet another departure for the Fallout series came in the form of Fallout Tactics: Brotherhood of Steel, a turn-based real-time tactical role-playing game, whatever that means. This game gets brownie points for fully committing to its pivot towards strategic combat, with light role playing elements tossed in for good measure. The game is fun to play with rewarding, albeit unoriginal, strategic combat that makes up 90% of what is on offer here.

What makes Tactics a particularly interesting spinoff is that its setting and story are completely divorced from both the mainline West Coast games, as well as the Bethesda-era East Coast entries. Ultimately, Fallout Tactics is a fun and engaging X-COM ripoff with enough juicy Fallout trimmings to make it a worthwhile experience for curious fans.

#4: Fallout 3

The game that brought Fallout back from the dead. Todd Howard is a powerful necromancer, no doubt, but his dark magicks come at a price. Fallout 3 may have saved the franchise, but it’s undeniable that the reanimation process changed this series beyond recognition.

Fallout 3 was the first 3D Fallout created by Bethesda following their acquisition of the franchise and completely redefined what a Fallout game could be, for better or worse. On one hand, this game featured a vivid open world with countless details in its environmental storytelling for wanderers to enjoy. Yet, as a hallmark of things to come with Bethesda titles, Fallout 3 suffered from stripped down RPG mechanics, countless bugs, and a bafflingly misguided story featuring countless soulless and simplistic quests. Worst of all, the replayability of Fallout 3 is crippled by the insanely long Vault prologue. You know, the one that starts with you being shot out of your mother’s vaginal canal into Liam Neeson’s arms and takes like 2 hours until your first steps into the Capital Wasteland?  

#3: Fallout 2

Bigger in every way than its predecessor, Fallout 2 is a massive RPG that delivers a fantastic (if less focused) experience than the original. Drifting away from the more serious tone of Fallout, this sequel fully commits to its zany humor that occasionally veers into “lol so random xD” territory. Not to say that’s always a bad thing, but the tonal shifts throughout Fallout 2 can be a little strange since some of the goofs and gaffs don’t land as well as they did in 1998. That’s the year “The Waterboy” came out, after all, so how could Interplay possibly compete? 

As far as gameplay goes, Fallout 2 improves the user experience in almost every way. The map is massive with more settlements, more quests, more weapons, more characters, and more bizarre interactions for The Chosen One to endure. Although it feels a bit bloated, Fallout 2 has many of the series’ high points for a reason. 

#2: Fallout: New Vegas

Ring-a-ding ding, baby. You knew this one would be up here. Fallout: New Vegas has rightfully achieved a cult status in recent years as the best 3D Fallout game, and one of the best games of all time. It perfectly synthesizes the deep, meaningful, and player-led RPG mechanics of the Interplay era with the fun and easily accessible action gameplay introduced in Fallout 3. Having been developed by many of the original creators of the series that transitioned to Obsidian Entertainment, Fallout: New Vegas is essentially the closing chapter on the world built in Fallout and Fallout 2.

This game offers an immersive world that responds to your actions within it, and this is especially apparent through its characters and factions. The writing on this game stands out as a highlight, with nearly every quest having multiple paths the player can take with countless memorable interactions throughout. Despite receiving middling reviews upon release, mostly due to Gamebryo-related bugs, Fallout: New Vegas has stood the test of time by being an example of what a modern RPG can offer. It’s a shame that Bethesda denied Obsidian a bonus on their work because New Vegas only scored an 84 on Metacritic. Come on, Todd. That’ll get you bad karma.

#1: Fallout

A groundbreaking, once-in-a-generation role playing game that pushed the limits of the genre in ways that are still being emulated to this day. Fallout took lowly ’90s gamers on the ride of their lives, allowing gamers to fully immerse themselves into a richly detailed post-apocalyptic world unlike anything they’ve ever experienced (unless they played Wasteland first). Computer role playing games were not in vogue when Fallout hit the shelves, but it single-handedly got people giving a shit about this kind of game again.

The creativity, ingenuity, and originality that Interplay put into Fallout is staggering, with almost every now-iconic element of the massive Fallout franchise originating in this single 16 hour experience. This game is tight, perfectly-paced, and jam-packed with rewarding quest lines and meaningful interactions with its desolate wasteland. For many, the isometric Fallout games feel too old or obtuse to dive into for the first time, but the OG Fallout is worth the effort. 

Baldur’s Gate 3 Multiclassing Guide: How to Multiclass in BG3

Posted on by Christian Dawson

Want to know how to multiclass in BG3? Some people are never satisfied with what they have. Sure, they’ve rolled up a Fighter in Baldur’s Gate 3 but now they want their purely martial class to start flinging spells like they’ve suddenly entered a pact with an otherworldly being. The good news is that, like D&D, multiclassing in Baldur’s Gate 3 is totally a thing. Even with a lower level cap, players can mix and match classes to make their ideal character. Here’s how.

What Is Multiclassing in BG3?

How to multiclass in Baldur's Gate 3.

Multiclassing is simply speccing into more than one class per character. For example, you could start with a Level 1 Fighter and upon hitting Level 2, choose to begin leveling as a Warlock. The tradeoff here is that while a character can have access to a larger arsenal of abilities and spells, it’s at the expense of not being able to access higher-level abilities and spells had one class not been chosen exclusively.

With a level cap of 12, players don’t have as much room to tinker as they would in a full D&D campaign, but it’s still enough to get creative. The trick with leveling when multiclassing is that the classes’ levels will add up to 12. For example, we specced seven levels into Fighter and five into Warlock.

How To Multiclass In Baldur’s Gate 3

How do you multiclass in BG3?

Multiclassing is only accessible to those playing on the Balanced or Tactician difficulties. Players must reach Level 2 before choosing their additional class. Once this low barrier to entry is cleared, at the next level up, players will want to click on the Add Class button in the upper right of their Level Up window. From there, they can choose their additional class.

Note that you can only level up one class at a time. For example, at Level 2, we selected Warlock as our second class. At Level 3, we leveled up Fighter again, making our character a Level 2 Fighter/Level 1 Warlock. There aren’t any real restrictions on when you choose to level up each class but players will want to be considerate of how their spells and abilities will be beneficial when playing. 

How To Modify Your Multiclass Build In BG3

That being said, sometimes a multiclass build simply isn’t working out. It’s not the easiest formula to figure out and players must take a lot of factors into consideration like how their character plays and then other things like party composition. Your companions in Baldur’s Gate 3 can also be multiclassed, which can make for some truly unique and powerful combinations, but it will probably take some testing and adjustments to find that right balance.

This is where your favorite mysterious ghoul, Withers, comes into play. Withers is found in the Dank Crypt, just north of the crashed Mind Flayer ship at the start of the game. Players will need to proceed through this dungeon until they reach a sarcophagus guarded by skeletons. Defeat the skelly-men and open the sarcophagus to recruit Withers, who will be waiting at your camp.

When speaking with Withers at your camp, the groovy ghoulie will respec your character for a small sum of 100 gold. This will set you back to Level 1 where you can change your starting class and then multiclass. Once players hit Level 12, it’s worth exploring your options in full with a respec.

That’s all you need to know about how to multiclass in BG3! Multiclassing is a great way to add diversity to your playstyle and can provide some really fun interactions with the various denizens of the Forgotten Realms. While you’re out there adventuring, be sure to check out our guide on what to do with the Iron Flask.

Baldur’s Gate 3 Iron Flask Guide: What to Do With it in BG3

Posted on by Christian Dawson

Wondering what you should do with the Iron Flask in BG3? Baldur’s Gate 3 is full of choices for players to make. Some of them are ethical quandaries while others simply stem from curiosity. What would happen if I murdered this merchant group and took this clearly ominous flask? The conundrum that murder, profit, and sheer entertainment posit are natural to any living being. So, as players stumble upon a traveling band of merchants along the Risen Road, it’s fair to wonder what to do with their Iron Flask.

Baldur’s Gate 3: Missing Shipment (Iron Flask Quest)

In the northern part of the Risen Road, east of Waukeen’s Rest, is a cave that has been set upon by a small band of gnolls and hyenas. There are various ways of happening upon the scene but they all end the same. The goal here is to kill all of the non-humans and speak to the two survivors in the cave.

This is a tough encounter and, like many things in Baldur’s Gate 3, can be made easier with a little persuasion. Upon entering combat, wait for the gnoll leader, Flind, to take their turn. Assuming you can pass some dialogue checks, Flind can be turned on their compatriots. With the band of gnolls and hyenas dealt with, murder Flind. It’s not exactly fair, but few things are in Faerûn.

This is where decisions must be made. Rugan and his ally will thank you for your assistance and tell you of a Zhentarim hideout in Waukeen’s Rest. After clearing the debris from the door, you’ll be prompted to say the passphrase to gain access to the secret sanctum. The group was transporting a shipment to Baldur’s Gate before they were beset upon. They mean to meet with their allies in Waukeen’s Rest before continuing on.

Let Rugan Deliver The Shipment / Deliver The Shipment Sealed

Both of these options result in the same thing. Players will enter the secret hideout and meet up with the leader, Zarys. Should they have allowed Rugan to live, he’ll be there as well. The player will receive thanks and the crossbow, Harold, for their troubles. From there, they can explore the cave and speak with the merchant for some primo stock. There’s also the promise that they’ll be looked favorably upon by the Zhentarim when reaching Baldur’s Gate.

Open The Shipment And Deliver It

Those with a nose for wonder can open the shipment and find a few items in the chest, most notably the Iron Flask. Delivering the flask to Zarys will prompt her displeasure and turn the inhabitants of the cave hostile. So long as players maintain the high ground, it’s not too difficult to clear the rabble and loot the corpses. However, there will be potential trouble waiting in Baldur’s Gate with this course of action.

What Happens if you Open The Iron Flask in Baldur’s Gate 3?

For those that can’t resist a good mystery, the Iron Flask can be opened or thrown at an individual. This will result in a Beholder called Spectator being released. This is a level five boss with some serious HP that will need whittling down. Killing it will only reward the player with experience.

That’s it! There are some interesting choices surrounding the Iron Flask in Baldur’s Gate 3 and players are encouraged to explore the one that fits best with their character’s narrative. Of course, one can also make multiple saves and explore the various timelines to their heart’s content. This is just one of many steps along the path to hitting max level in BG3. Go feed your curiosity!

Blinking Red Dianne Feinstein Insists She Has Never Felt Better

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Following a nasty fall and brief hospitalization, a blinking red Dianne Feinstein appeared before gathered media and insisted that she’s never felt better. 

“I’ve… I’m fine, I’ve never felt better,” said the hobbled, bleeding, limping, wheezing Senator of California that was first elected in 1992. “The milkman came by in the afternoon but I told them Danny had already let the birds out. Let’s all go stand on the roof and see if we can catch the weather in a jar. Is it time for me to vote for something? Which one of you owes me 40 cents?”

The fall and incoherent statements to the press increased a growing pressure on the senator to retire from duty. 

“Look at her, she’s blinking red for God’s sake,” said photographer Anthony Mello, who was present for Feinstein’s comments. “She’s 90 years old, and now she’s blinking red. I feel like if she takes any more damage whatsoever, she’s just gonna croak right where it happens. An aide is gonna brush up against her and it’s gonna be Game Over for Dianne. Not to be morbid, but that’s the only way she’s gonna leave her position, huh?” 

As of press time, representatives of Senator Feinstein insisted that she just needed some rest, and that the sustained beeping noise coming from her office was completely normal. 

Activision Implements Draft to Ensure New ‘Call of Duty’ Gets All the Players It Needs

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision announced today that they would be reinstituting the draft in conjunction with the American government to make sure they reach their target amount of players for the upcoming Call of Duty game, sources have confirmed. 

“Damn man, I never thought it would come to this,” said Hayden Moore, a local 18-year-old gamer. “These fatcats think they can just call our number and expect us to deploy into a Warzone? It’s pretty fucked up when you have to resort to tactics like that. I object to this! Why can’t I just play my farm game and not be involved with the war genre?” 

The long rumored draft is merely the latest in a long string of controversial decisions made by Activision. 

“Oh yeah, we know it’s not going to be popular,” said general so and so, a former general that’s now a consultant for them. “But luckily drafts don’t have to be popular to be implemented. Each console gamer between the ages of 13 and 24 will be given a number based on their gamertag. Every week they will be notified if they’ve been summoned to mandatory Call’s of Duty or not. Good luck to you gamers, and I hope we get every damn one of you back home alive.” 

Unsurprisingly, the draft was immediately unpopular with the demographic being subjected to it.  

“Wait, so if I get drafted and don’t play Call of Duty for 12 hours a day, my PlayStation is going to self destruct?” asked Ty Wilhelm, another gamer that objected to the draft. “Oh man, what a dark time to be an American gamer. They’re up in their ivory towers counting their money while they march a generation of boys and girls to underwhelming gaming experiences without much variation from year to year. It’s a goddamned tragedy.” 

As of press time, Activision executives announced that their immediate family and friends would all be exempt from the draft.  

Scientists Unveil New Pictures From Depths of Galaxy: “It’s Actually a Lot Like ‘Geometry Wars’ Out There” 

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — Latest images from the powerful James Webb telescope from the furthest depths of our galaxy yet have shocked scientists with what they’ve revealed: it sure looks a lot like those Geometry Wars games out there. 

“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Leonard Wise, an astronomer that operates the James Webb telescope and also played Geometry Wars a little bit when it first came out. “I didn’t even recognize it at first. I just saw a bunch of squares and triangles flying around and one little thing shooting at them all. When I described it to my coworker he interrupted me and said, ‘Like Geometry Wars?’ and I was like, ‘Oh shit, yeah, it is like Geometry Wars!’ We still haven’t figured out what’s happening exactly, or why or how, but it makes it a lot easier to explain to people. That’s for sure. Unless they’ve never played Geometry Wars.”

Geometry Wars is a series of twin stick shooter games that have been released intermittently since the series made its debut as a minigame in 2003’s Project Gotham Racing 2. Developers insist they did not set out to make a realistic space video game.  

“I still can’t believe it,” said Stephen Cakebread, the creator of Geometry Wars. “We just wanted to do a modern version of Asteroids or something, keep it simple but with updated audio and animations and whatnot. We had no idea that there were actual geometry wars being conducted on the outskirts of The Milky Way. That can’t be good for us, right? Are they playing Waves or Pacifism mode or just straight up? Oh, dear.” 

As of press time, the James Webb telescope had been mysteriously blasted to all hell while exploring the galaxy. 

Will I Understand ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ If I Died Two Years Ago? Guest Article by Rush Limbaugh

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey folks, Rush Limbaugh here. I see a lot of people suddenly talking about Baldur’s Gate 3, and I was just wondering, will I be able to understand this game if I died a couple years back? 

Now, before we get into whether or not this game is part of Biden’s radical agenda, let me first just say that I’m almost certainly just a coffin full of bones and worms by now, a rotting corpse of a man that didn’t look or smell much better when he was above ground. So frankly, I’m not sure I can get into any video game right now, let alone one that is almost certainly shoving woke nonsense down where my throat used to be.  

Are people still saying that? The ‘woke’ thing? It’s too bad I didn’t stay alive to milk that cash cow a little longer, huh? How am I writing this from the afterlife, anyway? It’s weird! 

Now, I know a lot of video game sequels will generally hold your hand a little bit, in case you’re not familiar with the franchise’s previous installments. You might not have guessed it from my decades of bigotry and rage soiling the airwaves, but I actually always enjoyed kicking back and playing video games from time to time. I liked how you could pick up Grand Theft Auto V and figure out everything you needed to know, even if you hadn’t played previous installments. 

But now, this Baldur’s Gate thing seems like it might be different. I hear it’s all based on Dungeons & Dragons and that sounds to me like not only will it be promoting homosexuality, Satanism, and possible communism, but it’s almost certainly going to appeal to a more hardcore set of RPG fans. Will a dead old fuck like me be able to pick this one up and know what I’m doing, or should I start with Baldur’s Gate 1 & 2?

Let me know in the comments. But just a heads up, I’m not sure I’ll get to read them. What are the rules here? Trump 2024! 

Anime Character Hospitalized for Dehydration After Getting Embarrassed

Posted on by Kevin Podas

TOKYO — Usagi Tsukino, otherwise known by her Sailor Scout identity Sailor Moon, was rushed to the hospital this week after embarrassing herself in front of her love interest, causing 80% of her bodily fluids to drain from her head, manifesting in the form of a single, gigantic blue sweat drop.

“She’s lucky she got here when she did,” explained Tsukino’s nurse, Masami Shoda. “She was nearly unconscious when her friends rushed her to the hospital, barely able to stand up on her own in the waiting room. I knew right away when I looked at her that she had clearly just embarrassed herself in front of her crush.”

Tsukino’s love interest, the mysterious Mamoru Chiba, stopped by momentarily to check up on her.

“I’m glad she’s doing all right,” said Chiba. “She just tripped and fell when trying to give me a boxed lunch that she said she especially made just for me, and couldn’t handle the aftermath I guess, even though I told her it was really no big deal. Anyhow, if you’ll excuse me, I have to leave right now. I need to pretend to help someone who is in distress.”

After being hooked up to an IV bag filled with fluids for over an hour, Tsukino reportedly started to come to.

“Where am I…?” groggily asked Tsukino. “Why am I in the hospital? Did something happen– oh no, don’t tell me. Did I embarrass myself in front of Mamo again? Oh my gosh, why am I so clumsy?! Oh no, tears won’t stop streaming down my face and I… feel kind of woozy…”

At press time, several teenage boys were also rushed to the local hospital after suffering severe blood loss upon becoming aroused at the sight of a woman changing her clothes.

Elon Musk Fans React to Twitter’s Rebranding to X

Posted on by Camden Brazile

Everyone has things to say about the Twitter rebrand to “X.” We spoke to people around the country to get their opinion on the matter.

Tyler Craigly, Engineer

“Elon Musk is an undisputed genius for whatever he did this time”

Michelle Weeks, Postal Worker

“He’s not just changing the name like some idiots think. He’s also changing the logo.”

Kevin McCarthy, Discord Mod

“Having an Everything App will allow me to be racist, sexist, and homophobic all in one place” 

Joe Rogan, Podcast Host

“Woah, so like, it’s just one letter? Usually words are multiple letters, but this is just one? Insane. I’m going to need a three-hour interview to get to the bottom of this”

Cameron Grimble, Electrician

“I’m sure Musk will have some very poignant Rage Comics explaining the companies new direction”

Michael Farrell, Retail Employee

“Somehow, some way, this is trolling the woke Libtards. I just have to figure out how”

Emily Franco, Stylist

“See? He won’t be ruining Twitter anymore. He’ll be ruining X”

Grimes, Musician 

“I can feel that the vibrations of my senses tell me that Elon is very unhappy. I hope he finds peace knowing that I am still being railed out on the daily”

Angelica Ruiz, Astronaut

“I think it’s a great idea and he should put all his focus into this new venture, instead of getting involved with the rocket ship I’m going to be piloting, which I’m definitely not afraid is going to explode immediately after taking off”

Carl Kelley, school child 

“Did you hear that the X is blinking in morse code? I haven’t looked up what it’s saying yet, but I’m pretty sure it wants me to burn down my house”

Kenny French, guy who always says “That’s a spicy meatball!”

“That’s a spicy meatball!”

Stacy38924934592383, Twitter Bot

“Hey baby, like what you see? Click link in my bio for unlimited sexy chat NOW”

Ghislaine Maxwell, convicted sex offender and socialite 

“Another win for my well documented buddy, Elon!” 

Morgan Baker, entrepreneur 

“Does he need my routing number yet?”

Ivan Kline, Twitter engineer, I mean X engineer 

“Great job, sir. Please don’t fire me.” 

Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader 

“I… it’s…” 

Casper O’Neal, bartender 

“I’ll pay you eight bucks to put my answer at the top of your article, okay?” 

Sal Peterson, manager, Dick’s Sporting Goods 

“What a great call by Elon. That recognizable name and branding was really holding them back.” 

Gary Reilly, unemployed 

“I heard that he’s changing ‘retweets’ to ‘reposts’ too, now that he got a new sign up on the roof. I think after that is when he’s sending everyone to Mars.” 

Otis Wells, restaurant manager 

“Yeah, that’s great. What does this mean for the development of the ugliest truck I’ve ever seen in my life?” 

Connor Hardy, college student 

“Has he said if ‘X’ is going to be wall to wall ads for Cheech and Chong gummies as well?”

David Zaslov, CEO of Max 

“We bet a yacht on who could rename their company something worse. Looks like I owe that little weirdo a new boat.” 

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.