TUCSON — Avant-garde photographer Cassidy Monticelli has debuted their newest exhibition showcasing accidental screenshots taken by Nintendo Switch players.
“The exhibition at its core is about vulnerability,” said Monticelli, speaking to reporters at the University of Arizona Museum of Art. “Every one of these pictures captures a moment mistakenly frozen in time, immortalized in spite of their creator. We should aspire to be the art, not the artist.”
At an exclusive press night prior to the exhibit being open to the public, several of the contributors to Circling The Square were present, telling their own stories about their pieces.
“So yeah in this one I was trying to back out to the home screen and got my hands mixed up” said gamer Nathan Daley, pointing at a screenshot of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. “It was quite humbling, because normally I’m really good at knowing which of my hands are which.”
At a Q&A event towards the end of the night, the artist was asked where they got the idea for Circling The Square, as well as how they’ve been dealing with criticisms of the piece.
“I think the idea came to me in a moment of frustration familiar to all my contributors” said Monticelli, seemingly wiping away a tear with a velvet pocket square. “I was playing DOOM Eternal, and I was trying to close the game, I heard it. Click. I went into my gallery and I saw this image of the Level Complete screen, taunting me. That anger and shame is what I truly wanted to showcase here. Any reported lack of funding I received has nothing to do with it.”
When asked for comment, Nintendo assured us the gallery would be receiving a cease and desist as soon as possible.
KYOTO – Eagle-eyed fans believe that Yoshiaki Koizumi teased a collaboration with pop icon Taylor Swift in the latest Nintendo Direct, shrieking sourced confirmed.
“Pokemon fans will be very happy to hear that the franchise will be returning to a place they know all too well,” said Koizumi, cryptically inserting the title of a T-Swift song in a sentence that contains exactly 22 words. “That’s all we can say for now,” he concluded, coincidentally standing in front of a red background.
Fans in the intersection of the Pokemon/Taylor Swift venn diagram have been viciously sifting through footage trying to find conclusive evidence of what they are coining, “Pokemon Red (Taylor’s Version)”
“Isn’t it peculiar that the TM Swift and Swift the artist both have 100% accuracy of hitting?” argued Hayley Braun, moderator in the r/PokeSwifie subreddit. “The Era’s Tour comes to Tokyo in February, so I’d predict an official announcement then.”
Politicians and economists agree that a potential merger between these two powerhouses could have lasting implications on the global economy.
“This is the kind of thing that can move GDP around pretty violently,” explained Nimesh Verma, an NYU economics professor. “But the benefits will come at price: everyone’s algorithm will be plagued with colorful monsters singing ‘I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling Piakchu.’”
At press time, Nintendo announced that the rival in Pokemon Red (Taylor’s Version) will be John Mayer.
MINNEAPOLIS — Local couple Allen Whittaker and Marie Hampton have begun a co-op playthrough of ‘Baldur’s Gate 3’ in order to invite new characters into their love life, sources close to the pair confirm.
“Things were getting a bit stale, and I don’t just mean in the bedroom,” said Allen Whittaker. “We have so much love for each other, but I think the only way for us to grow as individuals — thereby growing together — is to explore new frontiers. Neither of us are big on the bar scene or anything like that, but I saw the twinkle in Marie’s eye when she looked at Astarion’s character art, so I bought the game. Now we both have room to experiment, but we’re doing it as a team. That way, no one gets hurt.”
While most of the couple’s friends were verbally supportive, some noted discomfort with the way the pair was approaching this shift in their relationship.
“I’ve gotten, like, thirty texts from Allen asking me if I wanted to party up,” said Janie Houston, Marie’s best friend. “I keep telling him that I don’t swing that way. I’m just not into CRPGs. I never will be. If this is what Marie wants and she’s happy with it, then I’m happy too. I just don’t want to be a part of it, and Allen needs to get that through his thick head.”
Psychologist Gregg Tracy noted that Allen and Marie were not the first couple to attempt this strategy.
“Using video games to expand the boundaries of your relationship is as old as the medium itself,” explained Dr. Tracy. “Dr. Higinbotham’s ‘Tennis for Two’ was just a way for him to indulge in his voyeuristic compulsion to watch people twist knobs. The ‘Asteroids’ guy had a crushing fetish that his wife was uncomfortable with, so he created a way that he could explore it electronically. Hell, at least two generations of women have been using ‘The Sims’ to see what their lives would be like if they never got married. This behavior is normal. If anything, it should be encouraged.”
At press time, Allen was reportedly ready to call the whole thing off after Marie had successfully completed several romances while he was still struggling to woo Shadowheart.
HOG’S HOLLOW, Wispterra — The winds are changing in Wispterra, as the placid forested community of Hog’s Hollow is thrilled to announce they’ve built the region’s first Jersey Mike’s sandwich chain.
“We live simply in Hog’s Hollow, a town founded by farmers and merchants looking to escape the humdrum of city life,” said Mayor Zink Internal, brushing the large exclamation point away from the top of his head. “But we’d heard rumors from passing travelers about a sacred sandwich shop ruled by the deity Mike and his holy tincture of olive oil, red wine vinegar, and forbidden Italian spices. We’d be fools not to accept his love into our hearts, so we franchised one right here, nestled between the apothecary and a house you can enter to talk to some kid who adds absolutely nothing to the story’s plot. Our townsfolk have been nothing short of thrilled, and the stamina boosts are nothing to scoff at either!”
Even the most wizened members of the community have grown fond of the Northeast-American style sub sandwiches.
“I don’t much go for this sort of thing, lunch and what not,” said Porto Grunt, the town’s blacksmith. “I toil from dawn onward on my daggers and halberds, so I’ll be ready to rock when somebody decides they wanna respec from a magic build into something with a bit more physical damage. But when I bit into that #2, brought to us through the sleet and rain from the far-off realm of ‘Jersey Shore’…I shed the first tear I’ve shed since Beastmaster Helm turned my son into a vole. My life has changed forever, and the app is extremely intuitive too.”
Unfortunately, the excitement over this new foreign foodstuff has caused many residents of Hog’s Hollow to fall ill.
“I’m casting Cure Poison as much as I can, but I obviously don’t have the MP to heal everybody,” said local cleric Ophelia Wisp, a pure-hearted child of fourteen who has already been orphaned about five times. “Everybody is going way too hard on these cold cuts. I urged them to find the same clarity I found at age five when my first set of parents died, got resuscitated, then died permanently, but I think my voice is too angelic to actually hear.”
At press time, Professor Oak’s lab in Pallet Town has reportedly been torn down to make room for a Qdoba.
GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop headquarters have reportedly started telling employees to push customers to purchase New Game: Expensive Edition, sources say.
In a company-wide email, Ryan Cohen, GameStop’s newly appointed CEO, introduced the company’s latest game partnership. “We are happy to announce our collaboration with $HUNGRY$ Studios in anticipation for their upcoming release, New Game: Expensive Edition. The newest game in the New Game franchise is set to release during the upcoming holiday season. Until then, every GameStop employee is expected to recommend this game to absolutely everyone who walks into our stores.”
The email went on to detail unique phrases that can steer conversation towards pre-ordering the upcoming release.
“You seem like a gaming aficionado, I know just the game for you,” read one such quote from the email. “Woah there, moneybags! That sure is a lot of Funko Pops, can I interest you in something even more financially irresponsible?”
The corporate memo also came attached with a pitch package full of slogans and buzzwords about the game itself.
“Did you know New Game: Expensive Edition is the highest ranked game on the Microsoft Store filtered by price highest to lowest?”
At press time, New Game: Expensive Edition: Collector’s Edition: Game of the Year Edition has been announced starting at twice your rent.
LOS ANGELES — CEO and President of Warner Bros. Discovery, Dvd Zslv (formerly David Zaslav) has announced he is deleting his vowels in a tax write off.
“At first I thought there’s no way I can make money from this,” said Zslv from his underground lair. “But then I realized within capitalism anything is possible. My accountant loved the idea and already had a boilerplate document ready for me to eke out a few dollars from removing the vowels from my name.”
He added, “My next plan is to somehow find a way to make money by killing Bugs Bunny while Daffy Duck is forced to watch.”
Experts who reviewed the tax write off say it’s a bold but fair move from an executive known for killing movie and TV projects, but other execs think he’s gone too far.
“I get it,” said Bob Iger, CEO of Walt Disney and the man who forced David Lynch to reveal who killed Laura Palmer in an apparent lack of understanding Twin Peaks’ appeal. “If I could make money by selling my own children, I’d do it, but your name is your name. This isn’t like creating a TV series of a hit book series and then shelving it before it gets released to save some dollars which is what I did to the Spiderwick Chronicles. And 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea. I mean really at this point I’d burn Disneyworld to the ground if I thought it would make me a dollar.”
Economists have weighed in on entertainment execs spending more time placating their shareholders than entertaining their customers.
“We have a term for this. It’s rare, but studied by some rogue scholars across the universites,” said economics professor Stephanie Archer. “It’s called an economic serial killer. To be the head of an entertainment service when you seem to hate entertaining your customers is one of the main signs.”
According to those close to the executive, Dvd Zslv’s next plan is to find a way to monetize the rage and disgust felt against him by everyone he’s ever met or spoken to.
CRANBURY, N.J. — Groom Oren Crowne had hoped sneaking a Fusion Dance into his wedding choreography without asking his bride-to-be would somehow bring him and his fiancée closer together than ever, according to worried sources in the bridal party.
“I was wondering why Oren kept muttering ‘wed…ding… hah!’ whenever we tried the moves he suggested,” said Douglas “Dougie” Madison, a choreographer hired by Crowne and bride Gina Lacey to develop their wedding dance. “It would be one thing to include those steps if they fit aesthetically with the elegance and intimacy we’ve been trying to keep front and center, but the so-called Fusion ‘Dance’ is more like a kung fu cheer routine, and has no place in my studio or my choreography.”
The Fusion Dance, a method of joining people not matrimonially, but corporeally, involves a series of synchronized poses that Dragon Ball creator Akira Toriyama has described as “stupid.” Analysts compared footage from a recent rehearsal session at Madison’s studio to footage from the 1995 movie Dragon Ball Z: Fusion Reborn, and concluded that the similarities were too strong to be mere coincidence.
Crowne has since dismissed Fusion Reborn as non-canon and maintains that the allegations against him are false and unfair.
“I would never incorporate Metamoran fusion into my wedding,” Crowne said, stuffing a puffy-collared vest deep into a closet. “Toriyama-sensei himself said that Potara fusions are stronger, and I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’d only want to be married to Gina for half an hour instead of potentially forever.”
But at least one precedent has caused Lacey to remain skeptical.
“He actually tried the Potara thing first,” Lacey explained. “A few months into our engagement, he started floating the idea that instead of exchanging wedding bands, I could wear ‘special earrings’ during the ceremony and give him one. I thought it was kind of sweet, but as soon as he showed me the earrings, the jig was up. I may have been a reluctant participant in his Fusion Saga rewatch last year, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.”
Lacey says that while there are no plans to cancel the wedding, this ordeal has caused her to reexamine the inordinate interest Crowne has taken in their “couple name”—Orengina—and offered new context for the time she observed him motioning aggressively in their bathroom and whisper-shouting phrases like “Final Carbonation” and “Citrus Flash.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has shifted his stance on the threat posed by giant monsters after viewing Adam Wingard’s 2021 film “Godzilla vs. Kong”, a social media post revealed.
“Let me be clear: America will not be caught off guard by the emergence of any daikaiju, whether it’s a nuclear dinosaur or an enormous gorilla,” read a post from the president on X, formerly Twitter. “My administration has pledged to invest billions of dollars into anti-monster technology. We’re putting together a crack team to build an unprecedented weapons system known as Mecha-Godzilla — and, folks, this one won’t gain sentience and run amok. The giant robots of tomorrow will be built in America.”
Some figures in the media were critical of President Biden’s sudden focus on colossal mutant creatures.
“More woke nonsense from the White House,” said failed comedian and Fox News talk show host Greg Gutfeld. “You’ll notice that Biden uses gender-neutral pronouns when he talks about these monsters. Come on. Godzilla is a guy. Everyone knows that. Also, it’s King Kong! I mean, it doesn’t get much more masculine than that. How can we expect this administration to protect us from Ghidorah and Rodan when they’re too afraid to properly address them?”
While some high-ranking administration officials were reportedly caught off guard by Biden’s new stance, Vice President Harris fielded questions about the post after attending a park bench dedication.
“President Biden and I both have a deep understanding of Godzilla and all of his rivals,” said the vice president. “We understand exactly how difficult it is to defeat such formidable monstrosities. For instance, Godzilla was only able to best Destoroyah by harnessing the enormous power granted to him by his ongoing meltdown. He knew that the effort would also kill him, but he accepted his fate. He knew that his time was over. And because of his sacrifice, Godzilla Jr. was able to rise up and take his rightful place as the new King of the Monsters. I know I love that message, and I think Joe does, too.”
At press time, Biden had ordered a shutdown of the entire Chuck E. Cheese franchise after seeing a showing of “Five Nights at Freddy’s.”
After getting a taste of that sweet sweet movie tie-in cashola with the Mario movie, Nintendo has decided to sell out and go full Hollywood by announcing a new live-action Zelda movie. Casting for this film will be tough, especially when it comes to everyone’s favorite handsome little smooth boy Link. Here’s our top 5 dream link actors based on how much of an elvish twink they are.
5. Timothee Chalamet
If you look up twink in the dictionary, Timothee is being given a swirly by the guy they picked to be twink in the dictionary. He is the beta twink (which is the alpha in twink speak). He also has tons of pointy features like an elf. The only problem is his hair is too dark and there’s no way he could pull off being blonde.
4. Tom Holland
Try as he might, Tom Holland is a twink and always will be. He’ll be in his 80s and still read as a 16-year-old boy who no one respects, which is perfect for Link, who has saved the world a billion times and still has to do everyone else’s chores. The only problem is Tom Holland has taken a break from acting to focus on staring at himself in the mirror until he grows a beard.
3. Leonardo DiCaprio
The elder twink. The thinking man’s twink. A rugged, refined twink. Leo would make a great Link, especially in an Ocarina of Time type story where they travel back and forth in time. You could tell it’s young Link because Leo doesn’t have a five o’clock shadow and it’s older Link because he does have a five o’clock shadow. Filmmaking is really easy, guys!
2. Chris Evans as Scrawny Little Steve Rogers
There might be some legal loopholes they’d have to jump through to make this happen but the Twink-levels are off the charts.
1. Harry Styles
Mr. We Have David Bowie At Home has all the makings of a perfect Link: small, handsome and great on screen as long as he doesn’t talk.
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 offers a diverse arsenal – perhaps too diverse for the liking of some of the playerbase. But not all weapons are just dangerous in-game – some in particular seem to carry an unreasonable high risk of leading their users down the path of a PewDiePie-like heated gamer moment.
Hard Drive spoke to a team of social scientists who studied this issue and is proud to produce the first official record of which CoD guns increase the likelihood of players getting banned for hate speech.
1) MCW – 95% Likelihood
The MCW’s doesn’t just produce high damage but also the ability to somehow unleash players’ most heinous inner thoughts. It’s as if the weapon comes with a side of 4chan training, making its users prone to chat-related red cards.
“I don’t know how it happens,” player Alex “AlexDaGreat” Henderson. “As soon as I pick the MCW, I’ll be unemployed for 10 years”
2) Striker – 90% Likelihood
Fast, furious, and almost guaranteed to help players break some hate speech laws in the UK, the Striker is a gun choice for those with truly nothing to lose. Mute these players quick – or just the whole lobby.
3) Longbow – 85% Likelihood
Perfect for those who enjoy the quieter, more patient approach, until they’re caught off-guard and lash out in the voice chat, revealing their not-so-patient nature. Let’s hope no one is recording. Missed shots often translate into bizarre conspiracy theories about opponents’ alleged race and cultural proclivity for cheating, followed by a barrage of not-so-creative expletives. Avoid.
4) Renetti – 80% Likelihood
This gun literally has a “slur” attachment spot.
5) MTZ-556 – 75% Likelihood
People who use this gun are actually pretty progressive on race and seemingly approving of others.
Don’t ask them about women though.
6) BAS-B – 70% Likelihood
This is the gun your good ‘ol boy ex-roommate who always had a problem with “woke” commercials picks. You haven’t talked in a while but you approved his party invite. A few rounds in you hear him crack a beer. A few rounds after that and you hear all the insights and opinions that remind you why you don’t hang out anymore.
7) AMR9 – 65% Likelihood
AMR9 users have actually been noted to break into song mid-game, altering the lyrics of pop songs to include insults aimed at their opponent’s alleged ancestry.
They’d make perfect fodder for a T-Pain highlight reel killstreak.
8) Holger 26 – 60% Likelihood
Known for its high fire rate, the Holger 26 also seems to increase users’ “time until banning” and proclivity for impassioned speeches on in-game voice chat about the decline of modern civilization, peppered with unsavory theories of how we got there and how these fucking (CENSORED) players camping is part of it.
9) KV Inhibitor – 55% Likelihood
This is a weapon that kills you before you know what happened. Silent and deadly. Never saw it coming. Just like the threat of immigration, according to the brain wormed 14 year olds who choose this gun.
10) SVA-545 – 50% Likelihood
The SVA-545, while less likely to lead to bans, has a unique quirk. Its users occasionally hold their mics up against their cell phone speakers and play full length episodes of “Tucker Carlson on X.”
At press time, Call of Duty developers were considering adding a ‘mute player’ feature that automatically activates whenever certain weapons are selected, just to be safe.
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