WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that bounty hunter Samus Aran must surrender all suit power-ups prior to the start of an upcoming mission, characterizing her acquisition of new gear as theft.
“Ms. Aran is an independent contractor who happened upon these power-ups in-mission,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote for the majority in the 6-to-3 decision. “When it comes to the intellectual property of the Galactic Federation, ‘finders keepers’ goes out the window. Power-ups like Ms. Aran’s morph ball or her screw attack are not hers to keep and therefore, they shall be returned to the rightful owners upon mission’s end, usually indicated by some planetary explosion.”
While Aran is not new to losing powers at the start of a new mission, the court’s ruling goes a step further and strips the independent galactic bounty hunter of her power suit.
“I personally wanted to strip her of the zero suit as well, but it turns out she bought that with her own space money,” Justice Brett Kavanaugh said in support of the majority before shotgunning a Keystone Light beer on the steps outside of the Supreme Court Building. “We cannot have independent galactic bounty hunters running around with ice beams or power bombs. Sure, those power-ups make things safer for an independent galactic bounty hunter, especially with X Parasites running amok, but we have IP holders to consider.”
In a heated dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote that the court’s ruling will set independent galactic bounty hunters back 40 years.
“Independent galactic bounty hunters have always had it hard, but it just got harder for them with the court thumbing the scale,” Justice Sotomayor wrote while the rest of the Justices attended Justice Kavanaugh’s post-session kegger. “Established galactic bounty hunters, with the backing of mega space corporations will be just fine. It is the smaller independent galactic bounty hunters who will suffer. They could be tracking down brand-new power-ups we have never heard of and taking on challenging new missions. Instead, they are tracking down their fifteenth Gravity Suit.”
At press time Aran had arrived on an uncharted planet for her latest mission and happened upon a cliffside door that was just out of her reach.
HOUSTON — Fans from all over the country have reported that one of the most exciting and innovative features of the new “Pokémon Legends: Z-A” game is that it allows the player to exit the game, turn off their Nintendo Switch, and go do something else entirely whenever they want, per sources.
“Game Freak has truly done it again,” long-time Pokémon player Tom Lee told the press. “With each new generation, you can expect that they’re pushing the technology to its very limits and seeing what’s possible. As I’m playing “Legends: Z-A”, I’ll often walk up to an NPC and their dialogue is about smelling their Pokémon or some shit, which pisses me off so badly that I suddenly remember the extra feature they included this time around. That’s when I turn off my Switch, stand up, walk into my kitchen and start doing the dishes or making myself some lunch. It’s the most immersed I’ve ever felt while playing.”
When approached for comment, Game Freak designer Rei Murayama had the following to say:
“What can we say, we just really enjoy putting the freak in Game Freak, am I right? Haha, but on a serious note, we’re always striving to make each new Pokémon game more interactive. With “Pokémon Go” in 2016, we got people outside and talking to each other. Now, with “Pokémon Legends: Z-A”, we want those in-person interactions to happen more naturally, without any gameplay to keep them distracted while doing so. To that end, we set this game in one of the most bland and visually uninteresting places imaginable, Lumiose City. We feel that this barrage of nothingness in-game will encourage people to take a break from it all, step out of their homes and perhaps appreciate the outside world just a little bit more.”
Journalists have had mixed reactions to the game, but some have called the experience one of the most unique in recent memory.
“The gameplay loop is very interesting,” reporter Samantha Weiss said in a statement. “The real-time combat system sets it apart from the turn-based combat of entries past, but what interests me the most is when you just can’t stand looking at the endlessly copy and pasted jpeg windows and stop playing completely. Then, while you’re doing your laundry or out grocery shopping, you think to yourself, “you know, I should give it another shot.” So you start playing it again, only to turn it off fifteen minutes later. It’s a fascinating cycle that just continues to surprise.”
At press time, Pokémon players everywhere were observed agreeing that maybe it was time to just leave the series alone for a little while.
WASHINGTON — With SNAP benefits returning amid the end of the government shutdown, President Trump and Clash of Clans have partnered to add a new ad-based tier of benefits for all SNAP recipients, sources confirm.
“It’s with great pleasure that I announce the end of free government handouts! I have negotiated with the good folks at Supercell an “ad based,” have you ever heard of something like this? It’s never been done before. They’re calling it “ad based” benefits,” said the President in response to a question on the war in Ukraine. “Instead of just getting food stamps for nothing–like some of these illegal aliens are doing–you’re gonna have to watch a little tiny commercial on your phone from the great people at Clash of Clans.”
This abrupt restructuring of the EBT system has sparked chaos within the Capitol and across the country. Senators, Representatives, and experts are all arguing the logistics of such a capitalistically motivated sale of basic human rights.
“I do not know anything about this decision. I also do not know anything about Clash of Clans, I am not familiar with games on cell phones, and I do not know what President Trump is ever doing,” said Speaker Mike Johnson to the press. “But if this is something the President wants to do, then he has the right to do so. Americans voted for a mandate, and President Trump believes this ad for Clash of Clans will filter out the illegals that steal from hard-working Americans.”
Americans who need these benefits have grown frustrated by Democratic leadership, and now must waste their own precious time watching unskippable ads.
“I don’t give a fuck about raids, I don’t know what the hell a hog rider is, and I do not have the damn time to watch a video game ad everytime I need to feed my child,” said Michelle Luna, SNAP recipient and local D.C. resident. “And now my kids are hooked on the game, begging me to buy them gems so they can max out their town hall, meanwhile I can barely make rent this month!”
At press time, President Trump has announced a Clash Royal tournament will take place this December on the White House lawn.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump issued a vehement denial about the rumor that he was good friends with known sex pest Leisure Suit Larry, according to nearby sources.
“Are you people really still asking me about Leisure Suit Larry?” replied Trump in response to a reporter’s question about the ceasefire in the Middle East. “Like I said before, I barely knew the guy. When you’re as influential as I am you cross paths with a million different people. It’s possible that I may have bumped into him at a casino in Lost Wages, or in the dressing room of one of my Miss Universe pageants where I sometimes liked to do business. You can get a lot of business done in those dressing rooms believe me. You can do whatever you want in there no matter what those girls say. ”
Leisure Suit Larry, whose real name is Larry Laffer, countered Trump’s claim that they didn’t have a close friendship.
“I can’t believe he said that, we were definitely homies!” stated Larry before wolf whistling at an attractive woman who walked by. “I used to party with the Donald all the time. One time I remember inviting him to Muffington Island, but he blew me off at the last second to spend time with his new best friend, some guy named “Jeff”, who apparently had his own “way cooler” island. I eventually had to stop hanging out with the guy because he was really starting to worm me out. If anyone should be embarrassed about our relationship, it should be this guy.”
Right-wing commentator Megyn Kelly defended Trump amid the allegations.
“Politics is all about optics. This is a blatant attempt by the Democrats to sully Trump’s reputation and it’s being backed by the corrupt mainstream media,” said Kelly on her SiriusXM show to her over 4 million Youtube subscribers. “Just because clear evidence exists linking them, including a photo of Larry attending Trump’s wedding, and a very troubling video of the two of them leering at a group of young women dancing, that doesn’t mean they were good friends. Even if they were, what’s the big deal, is Larry even an actual sex pest, I’m not so sure.”
At press time, Trump denied that a newly discovered birthday card from him to Larry was authentic and insisted anyone who knows him knows that that isn’t how he draws ejaculating penises.
LOS ANGELES — Netflix executives held a conference today where they revealed that the final season of their hit program Stranger Things will be split into 8 single-episode seasons to be released over the course of 12 years.
“As a fellow fan of the series, I can tell you, this is exactly what we have all been clamoring for,” said Netflix Communications Director Lisa Fountain, who asked to be reminded if Stranger Things was the show about the women’s prison or the one with president Kevin Spacey. “This isn’t an attempt to slow our rapidly dropping subscriber numbers by trapping fans into longer subscriptions, it’s about giving people what they want. People want shorter seasons, more time between episodes, less content, and more ads. Of course these types of improvements will mean higher subscription fees.”
Series show creators Matt and Ross Duffer confirmed the new release schedule, while flinching anytime a Netflix executive made a sudden movement.
“This is 100% how we always envisioned the pacing of the final season,” Matt Duffer stated, while fearfully looking back to the executives for approval. “Netflix has been really awesome to work with. They do not beat us with sticks if we don’t hit our numbers. When they first came to us with this idea we said ‘great!’ We think it’s important that the audience has a hard time remembering what happened previously and that the final climactic season has a halting momentum.”
Market analysts are optimistic about what this means for Netflix’s profitability.
“This makes perfect economic sense,” stated Netflix investor Brian Gecko. “Anybody with a basic understanding of economics can tell you that a company that is increasingly antagonistic towards their customers has unlimited growth potential. The last thing you’d want to do is to make your customers happy. Happy customers don’t have a reason to spend money. Angry customers will try and spend their way out of the problem. Really, if a company starts actually listening to their customers, or trying to make their product better, that’s when Wall Street is going to turn on them.”
At press time, Netflix execs were discussing the possibility of removing every other season of Stranger Things as a tax write off.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber Mario is in turmoil after receiving a claim denial from his insurance company for a life-saving surgery for his pet Yoshi. The denial prompts an impossible decision for Mario: to either pay for the surgery and take on a mountain of medical debt or say goodbye to a longtime friend.
“It’s-a crock of shit,” Mario said, before sharing details of the procedure Yoshi required, which would remove a lump from his collar-bone area. “You pay for the pet insurance, and you think you’re-a ready to go. Then you get a letter that the vet is out of network and the surgery isn’t covered. Mama Mia.”
Weighing his options, Mario’s eyes started to water as he imagined the worst outcome.
“He’s not ready to die, but where-a am I going to find 10,000 coins? I don’t have access to that kind of money,” Mario said, covering his face and trying to push back tears. “Someone should-a do something about these insurance companies. They’ve got money to pay for their mascots, but when it comes to saving a life, there is a hard line. Mama Mia. Fuck-a you, Jake from State Farm. Fuck-a you, Flo. And Fuck-a you, Lemu Emu.”
Mario melted into tears as he decried every insurance mascot he could think of. At this time, his brother and fellow plumber, Luigi, ushered members of the press out of the room.
“Please give my family privacy while we face this terrible situation,” Luigi said calmly, before being bombarded by questions from the press. “Please. No more questions. We are looking to start a GoFundMe for Yoshi’s surgery. Right now, I just want to take care of my brother. Once he’s settled down, then we can work on taking care of the problem.”
At press time the GoFundMe campaign for Yoshi’s surgery had met its goal. Unfortunately, it was too late. Yoshi had passed in his sleep the previous night. The Mario brothers are now looking to donate the funds to a local no kill Yoshi shelter.
TOKYO — In a recent Nintendo Direct, director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that, after decades of speculation and demand, he would finally add Waluigi to the roster of Kirby Air Riders.
“I have always tried to be aware of the characters demanded by fans,” explained Sakurai. “In my last title, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, I had over 80 different characters! But even then, I wasn’t able to please everybody. I remember lots of people in particular who wanted to see Waluigi, so I quickly promised myself I would add him into my next game. If I knew at the time my next game was a sequel to Kirby Air Ride, I probably wouldn’t have done this.”
Initial reaction to the character reveal has been mostly positive.
“I think I can speak for the entire community when I say we’ve been waiting a long time for this,” said Warren Wallace, moderator of the “Waluigi For Air Ride” Discord server. “A lot of us had begun to worry that Sakurai had some kind of vendetta against Waluigi after refusing to make him playable for so long. I mean, he wasn’t even in the original Air Ride at all! But seeing him use all those copy abilities in the trailer erased all our doubts in an instant. Not only is he in, but Sakurai’s doing the character justice in a way that will make all his fans proud. For the first time ever, Waluigi will be playable in a racing game.”
However, other fans remain skeptical.
“This is Kirby Air Ride, not Fortnite,” complained long-time Kirby fan Ren Lace on Reddit. “Sakurai should know better than to flood his games with a bunch of nonsense crossovers. This is supposed to be a celebration of the Kirby series. Waluigi’s slot on the roster could easily have gone to Poppy Bros. Jr., Adeleine, Coo, or any other characters that people actually care about. Personally, I’m still mad that they showed Sir Kibble as a non-playable assist character, so we already know he won’t be playable. Waluigi fans will never know what that feels like. And besides, have you ever seen how long Waluigi’s limbs are? There’s no way he could possibly pilot the same Warp Star as Kirby. He’s too big!”
At press time, everybody has already forgotten about Waluigi and are waiting for Sakurai to reveal Sora.
If you pay attention to this hobby for long enough, you’ll spot trends – some might say stereotypes – in various countries’ video game development scenes. For example, I’ve played quite a few games with incredible art direction but underwhelming mechanics that turned out to be French, Russia turns out a lot of depressing quasi-realistic military shooters, and many South Korean games are horny to the point of distraction.
Playing Star Fire: Eternal Cycle clarified a thought that I first had when I reviewed Evotinctionlast year: Chinese indie games play like they think the player was on their design team. No tutorial, no codex, little if any exposition: you’re thrown directly into the deep end in every way that counts.
On the plus side, that means you’re up and playing Star Fire in the first minute.It doesn’t burn its first hour on an extended tutorial or establishing its setting. Start a new game and you can be punching alien bugs in the face within 45 seconds. There’s something to be said for immediacy.
Star Fire begins in 2149 A.D., 7 years after giant insects emerged from the surface of the moon and swarmed over Earth. You’re the only remaining defender of humanity: a redheaded woman armed with electric gauntlets and dressed in club gear, because why be the last person on Earth if you ain’t cute. I think her name is supposed to be Erica.
Your goal is to jump into one of the Core Hive Zones and explode hostile bugs until they manage to get you to stop. Once they do, you respawn at your home station with whatever currencies you were able to loot, and can spend them to have a better chance of success next time.
Broadly, Star Fire is a roguelike that plays a little like an arcade beat-’em-up. At the start of the game, you can pick one of 3 weapons that determines Erica’s basic attack pattern, Hades-style,then start a run into the Hive Zones. It ends either when you die or when you reach the last available Zone for your current difficulty.
Along the way, you can level up, collect equipment for passive bonuses, and equip Insectoid Cores that you’ve seized from the Hive. These come in a number of specific elemental varieties, and while they all give you random buffs, all of them start getting really degenerate once you equip two or more of the same type. For example, Shadow Cores let you summon invincible clones of yourself for backup, Ice Cores provide a high chance to stun on hit, and Thunder Cores trigger an electrical field for close-range AoE whenever you use your heavy attack.
In another game, these might come off as somewhat overpowered, but Star Fire really wants you to immediately go for the really broken shit. Even on Difficulty 1, every boss is a giant sack of health with at least 5 additional lifebars’ worth of armor. If you aren’t deliberately pursuing a degenerate strategy where every individual attack lands like a small nuclear device, you will not survive. It sort of reminds me of the Disgaea postgame.
As a result, Star Fire is one of those power-crazed experiences that’s only really fun if you get a perverse, nearly erotic thrill from watching your numbers go up. It describes itself on its Steam page as “a love letter to classic arcade side-scrollers,” but the real audience for Star Fire is people who love it when enemies explode into a cloud of death arithmetic. It’s got more in common with Dungeon Fighter Online and various mobile games like it than with old-school quarter-munchers.
Its lack of interest in explaining itself does mean it’s got a learning curve. The first few minutes of Star Fire is a deluge of random stats, skills, bonuses, and synergies, and it’s up to you to figure out what they all mean. Some have tooltips, others don’t, and still others have tooltips but they’re not where you’d think they’d be.
It’s nothing you can’t figure out eventually, especially if you’ve spent any time with other similar roguelikes. For example, Star Fire’s stacking elemental synergy system isn’t a million miles away from Inkbound’s. Even so, Star Fire seems to have been designed on the presumption that it will never have a new player. One of its loading screen tips even encourages you to look up third-party guides.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining. The big draw behind Star Fire is that it’s happy to let you be profoundly overpowered, but each new difficulty turns up the dials more than enough to keep you guessing. Even when I’d reached a point where I could vaporize incoming bugs without effort, the next boss always had something blatantly unfair waiting for me.
Star Fire: Eternal Cycle isn’t exactly what it says it is; it’s a roguelike that wants to pretend it’s an arcade brawler. Fortunately, it’s a decent roguelike, especially if you enjoy it when a game lets you deal millions of points of damage at once. You’ll want to give yourself some grace as you figure out its finer details, but Star Fire isn’t a bad way to spend about 40 minutes at a time.
[Star Fire: Eternal Cycle, developed by Ethereal Fish Studio and published byIndie Herb Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $16.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Indie Herb Games PR representative.]
KYOTO — Nintendo has filed a patent giving them the exclusive right to the gameplay mechanic of pressing a button that makes a character jump, sources confirmed.
“It’s hard to believe it’s been over forty years since the original Donkey Kong released in arcades!” explained Shigeru Miyamoto in a recent Nintendo Direct. “So much has changed since then! Mario’s had so many adventures, Donkey Kong has gone from villain to hero, and countless other video games have included a jump button without our express permission. That’s why, starting after this Direct, only Nintendo will be legally able to make games where you can jump. All other publishers have six months to ensure their titles are free of patent infringement. Afterwards, the next jump we see out of any of you, you’ll be jumping straight into court.”
Critics have accused Nintendo’s recent patent, officially titled “Method for inputting vertical motion commands for video game,” of stifling creativity, though authorities insist it does just the opposite.
“Patents are important for inventors,” explained the United States’ Acting Commissioner for Patents, Valencia Martin Wallace. “The Founding Fathers even put them in the Constitution, so you know they matter! Yes, all of us in the federal government care so much about what the Constitution says, and … following it.” Wallace finished her cigarette before continuing. “The fact is, if somebody works hard to invent something new, they have the right to protect their intellectual property and keep anyone else from using it. Everyone at Nintendo worked hard to create the first-ever video game with a jump button, Steeplechase, back in 1975,” continued Wallace as she looked through the patent application. “Wait, they didn’t do that one? Well, they worked very hard to fill out the first-ever patent for it, so, you know … sure! Nintendo owns jumping now! Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Do you know anyone who’s hiring?”
Following Nintendo’s announcement, the rest of the video game industry has begun the arduous process of removing jumping from every single title currently on the market.
“I can’t believe it, we just shipped NBA 2K26,” complained 2K President David Ismailer. “And now thanks to Nintendo we’ve got to remove all the jumping from it. And every other game we’ve ever done, that sucks too, but the NBA … it’s basketball. You kind of jump a lot. And now we’re depicting the whole NBA with their feet stuck to the court because every single player legally can’t jump. Still, it could be worse. At least we don’t have to update Civilization VII again. Because we’re not going to.”
T press time, Nintendo’s lwyers clrified tht their ptent lso prohibits using the letter of the lphbet tht is on the jump button.
ADELAIDE, South Australia — The second official patch for Hollow Knight: Silksong has gone public, and will significantly nerf every boss you’ve already beaten.
“We heard the complaints from the players and implemented an intuitive difficulty scaling script into the code,” said Brad Caneflower of Team Cherry. “Once you beat the boss on the difficulty we set, you will have intuitive knowledge of its attack patterns and phases, making the next attempt far easier in retrospect.”
These complaints of high difficulty came only hours after the game’s official release. Many took to social media to voice their frustration over simple early game bosses.
“These cheeky cunts didn’t even get past Act 1, a glorified tutorial, before complaining it was too hard,” said Team Cherry CEO Ari Gibson. “So we listened and patched in a new type of experience system in the game called ‘getting good.’ It’s an ingenious way of fighting, dying, and learning used by some of the oldest video games ever created.”
This patch isn’t exactly what the Silksong community had in mind when they went to the internet to complain.
“This game is impossible! Why is the down slash at a 45 degree angle? Why are all hits two hearts? Why do my thumbs and wrist hurt so much?” said popular Twitch streamer, HollowKnut69. “I waited 8 years for this game and can’t even get 8 minutes into it without wanting to strangle my first born child.”
Internet historians have marveled at the response this game’s difficulty has received.
“While 2017 seems like a long time ago, it really wasn’t, but for some reason there is a shared amnesia in the gaming community over what kind of game Hollow Knight was,” said Dr. Ken Pellicotti, Professor of Media Studies at Wales University. “That game was hard as hell! And entitled gamers assume the sequel would be dumbed down to their abilities, and that simply is not the case.”
At press time, Team Cherry has begun work on the game’s third patch that will add a laughing animation to every enemy that lands a hit on you.
