Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

McDonald’s vs. Burger King: Who Made Better Video Games?

Posted on July 16, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Taste is a tricky thing. Sometimes you want something that’s not technically the best thing available, but it just sounds good, damn it. Case in point, I know I should be much farther along into Tears of the Kingdom right now, from an academic standpoint, but I just keep playing Brotato on the couch at the end of the day. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s just what I feel like. I’ve heard things like this talked about in terms of games being like fast food, because sometimes you just want a quick and easy time and aren’t trying to have a life changing experience.

Makes sense to me, but what about the actual fast food games? Did you know there were a handful of them? It’s not the most robust genre or anything. Basically McDonald’s did it first and then Burger King did a weird version later. Imagine that!

I got curious about all of these insane sounding games, and thought I’d unearth at least one or two things worth writing about along the way if I dove into them. I wasn’t disappointed. Let’s see who made better video games, McDonald’s or Burger King.

Note: I’m just doing three console games for each. There’s some other McDonald’s software I’m excluding that will certainly still be pointed out in the comments despite my acknowledgement of this, but I just didn’t feel like it was worth including any of it here. Oh, except for the DS software they used to train employees in Japan. What?!

MC Kids

The first McDonald’s game sort of feels like they were testing the water, unsure if they were ok to go full insane McDonald’s lore and set a game in the mystical world occupied by the bizarre assortment of McDonald’s characters. This game opted for a bit more realistic setting, opening on two boys hanging out in their backyard in a tent. Ah yes, the tent hang. An odd springboard into the world of fast food video games, but a warm childhood memory nonetheless. I remember eating S’mores and playing my Game Boy when I would do this as a boy, but what happens to these two kids is Ronald McDonald rolls up on them (they’re unsupervised as hell!) and pleas with them to find his hidden bullshit so that he can go crack Hamburglar a good one right in his jaw. I’m paraphrasing some of that, but you get it.

From there the game launches into a pretty fun NES-era platformer. The overworld and controls are very Super Mario Bros. 3, but the game also has more depth than it might appear. I finished the first six levels and expected to move onto the next larger overworld, only to discover that I had to find four hidden cards in the previous levels before I could advance to the next level. I had noticed a few extra platforms here and there, but honestly had no idea the game offered and expected so much exploration. I went back to the first level, figuring there would be some easy treasure to find there, and I discovered upon screwing around some more a little thing you run over that inverts the gravity of the room and now you’re running around on the ceiling! Of all the NES games I thought M.C. Kids might remind me of, the often overlooked Metal Storm was not even on the list. Very nice surprise. There’s a lot of them in here.

This game is to top tier NES games like StarTropics and the Mario games what McDonald’s is to a nice burger. You won’t mistake it for the real thing, but it’ll do if sounds like the sort of thing you’ll like.

McDonald’s Treasure Land Adventure

This is the shit right here. I think part of the reason I’m fascinated by weird licensed games is that the diamonds in the rough just fucking HIT. For every dozen awful games based on beloved movies, shows, or eateries, there is one that is just mind blowing in its mere above-averageness. And when you find that one, it’s some crazy shit like Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker or the Goof Troop game that the Resident Evil guy made. Just unfathomably weird stuff. This particular game is an adventure that stars Ronnie McDanny himself and that I’m 50 percent sure is inspired by a bad gas huffing experience one of the people at Tresure once had.

That’s right, Treasure! The same folks that brought us Gunstar Heroes which is known as one of the best shooters of the 16-bit era, a personal favorite of mine, and a game that helped cement them as premiere developers of their era. This was their first game! They didn’t want you to know that, so they put it on the shelf until after Gunstar came out, but this McDonald’s game is the true debut of a legendary game studio.

The side scrolling nature gives it a similarity to Gunstar Heroes, but it recalls another iconic Sega game right out of the gate. The green, grassy ledges will remind you of Sonic the Hedgehog’s Green Hill Zone. As will the fast, bouncy soundtrack. And the red robotic turtles. Ok, they’re doing a whole Sonic thing, alright? It’s like Sonic turned into Ronald McDonald and now he has magical powers he can shoot out of his fingers. Reread that sentence, and you know everything you need to know about whether or not you should play this game. I don’t know what more I can tell you.

Global Gladiators

This Genesis sequel to M.C. Kids takes all the dangling plot threads left by the original and answers once and for all what happened to Mick and Mack after the events of the first game. Namely, they ditched the moniker that was blatantly advertising McDonald’s and now they sit around the booth in McDonald’s like a couple of old booze hounds daydreaming about becoming something called a Global Gladiator. This pisses Ronald off so much that he finds them McDonald’s and sends their ass into a book they have to fight their way out of.

I liked M.C. Kids, but I think this is an improvement. It looks and plays better, and the squirt gun is ten times less frustrating to use than the hard to aim blocks you shot at enemies in the original. The animations and sprites are great too, with my personal favorite being a pumped up Ronald McDonald waving a checkered flag at the end of the level if you’ve found enough little Golden Arches to advance. It’s great. This is a fun little run and gun platformer that’s at least as fun as I remember Earthworm Jim being. Not bad for a game meant to make me hungry for McNuggets.

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Every Hades Character Ranked by Their Chance of Beating Me in 1-on-1 Basketball

Posted on July 16, 2023 by Parker Johnson

The Underworld of Hades is filled with diverse and interesting characters. Hot gods with hot bods are plentiful, along with terrifying monsters & renowned warriors. What better place to find a pick-up game to test my skills? Here’s how I, a slightly-below-average-physique 22-year-old, fare against the notable citizens of the Underworld in one-on-one basketball.

#31 — Bouldy

Glorified Wilson from Castaway isn’t doing jackshit against me on the court.

#30 — Tisiphone

Try as I might, I don’t think Tisiphone would be capable of understanding the rules of basketball. It took Zagreus countless hours and deaths before she learned how to even say anything other than “murder.” Explaining basketball is a lost cause. I win by DQ here, but don’t feel very good about it.

#29 — Skelly

Skelly’s kindness is his downfall in basketball. After I miss my first shot of the game, Skelly would spend his possession teaching me better shooting form so I make my next one. I beat Skelly 21-0, but he’s cheering me on the whole time.

#28 — Orpheus

This dork gets absolutely schooled on the court. I’m far from a skilled athlete, but I’d be willing to bet a hefty sum that Orpheus hasn’t even touched anything resembling a basketball, not to mention there’s no shot he ever does cardio. 21-0 if we’re playing full-court, though he might get a lucky shot or two up if we’re playing half-court.

#27 — Dusa

Dusa doesn’t have the confidence to hoop. She probably makes one shot, suddenly gets really shy, and mysteriously floats away.

#26 — Patroclus

At his peak, Patroclus washes me. But he’s far from that peak. The malnourished current state of Patroclus gets dominated by me in the paint with a final score of 21-4 (as long as he doesn’t dejectedly quit halfway through).

#25 — Eurydice

Eurydice fares a bit better than Orpheus, mostly because constantly singing means she has major stamina. That being said, she still has zero muscle, so I post up easily every single possession. 21-5 final score.

#24 — Hypnos

Hypnos and I would schedule a time for the game, but he would never show up, no matter how many times we try to reschedule. He gets higher on the list because it’s hard to say if it counts as losing, but I’m considering it a forfeit.

#23 — Persephone

Persephone is arguably the least remarkable of the gods on the list. She could summon… vines to tangle my feet, maybe? Another easy win.

#22 — Theseus

Theseus comes in lower than you might expect, entirely because he’s a cocky asshole. He’s going to bring a whole crowd, try to do a cool dribble move, and fail miserably every time, except for maybe one or two. The “carried by Asterius” allegations are absolutely true.

#21 — Cerberus

Cerberus is absolutely capable of beating me one-on-one. However, Zagreus has proven that it’s incredibly easy to distract him. I don’t think I beat him if he’s focused, but one Satyr sack ensures he definitely never beats me.

#20 — Demeter

Okay, this is now the sad part of the list: the part where I realize that more than half the cast of Hades schools me on the court. Demeter doesn’t have any physical aptitude, but her ice powers make it pretty impossible to drive in the paint. I lose to Demeter, but complain about “stupid god bullshit” the whole time.

#19 — Dionysus

Dionysus just gets us both really wasted, and I don’t remember a damn thing about the game. He says he won, and I don’t have much of a choice but to believe him.

#18 — Alecto

Alecto beats me from pure aggression, playing insane defense and driving in for a dunk every time. She also yells obscenities at me the entire time, making me feel like shit and waking up the entire neighborhood.

#17 — Aphrodite

Aphrodite has mean handles that you wouldn’t believe. That being said, assuming we’re playing at a public court, the cops are being called immediately unless she agrees to put some clothes on.

#16 — Nyx

Nyx is a lockdown defender, making it pitch-black anytime I get a possession. I’m not gonna be able to see anything on offense the entire game. Well done, I guess, but like Demeter, it feels like cheating.

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Pikmin 4 Release Time Guide: When Does Pikmin 4 Come Out?

Posted on July 14, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Wondering about the Pikmin 4 release time? Hot off the heels of The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, Nintendo’s next game is a long-awaited sequel to a beloved franchise. Unlike Tears of the Kingdom, though, Pikmin 4 has been brewing for what seems like an eternity.

Interviews dating back to 2015 called Pikmin 4 “close to completion,” only for the game to come out eight years later. Luckily, fans’ wait for this new entry is soon to be over! The release time for the game is just around the corner. Here’s what you need to know about when Pikmin 4 is coming out on Nintendo Switch.

When is Pikmin 4 Going to Release?

In the United States, Pikmin 4 is expected to release on July 21, 2023, at 12:00 AM EDT. That translates to the following times for the rest of the country:

11:00 PM CDT
10:00 PM MDT
9:00 PM PDT

For those based in other countries, digital copies of the game will unlock at midnight in your local time zone. If you’d like to play the game early, you can get around your country’s time lock by making a Nintendo account based in New Zealand. This will maximize the time that you can play the new game!

Can you Preload Pikmin 4?

Yes, you can currently preload Pikmin 4 on your Nintendo Switch! After you pre-order the game, you should be prompted to download the game, which will be subsequently unlocked once the release time comes for your respective region. If you’re really raring for some Pikmin content in the meantime, you can check out the demo available on the Nintendo eShop.

That’s all you need to know about the Pikmin 4 release time! After waiting for over a decade since the release of Pikmin 3, the franchise’s latest installment is right around the corner. Enjoy playing the game once it releases in your region (or when it releases in New Zealand, if you go that route.)

Every Kirby Copy Ability Ranked by How Useful They Would Be in a Hostage Situation

Posted on July 14, 2023 by Kevin Podas

There’s nothing more terrifying than finding yourself in a hostage situation, tied up in some cave or prison cell by strangers who are negotiating your life for fortune and power. Maybe you disassociate during the altercation and wonder, like many would, “what would Kirby do?” Many of his various abilities could come in handy in such a situation, allowing you to escape, retaliate, or turn into a plate of jello and just confuse the hell out of your captors. Here are all 68 of Kirby’s copy abilities ranked by how useful they would be in a hostage situation.

#68 — Light

This one is no good, it’s simply going to alert enemies to your presence. But hey, by all means, if you don’t want to get out of this thing alive, go ahead and stick this big bright “kill me” sign on your back. You just shined a light into your captors face and now everyone’s dead and it’s all your fault and everyone’s making fun of you in Hell. Great job, jerk.

#67 — Balloon

You’ll simply begin inflating to the size of a large weather balloon, which is only an invitation for your captors to grab a knife and pop you, leaving you a deflated, defeated mess. And trust me, if you’re doing this, they’re LOOKING to do that. They’re trying to negotiate with police and you’re like “look how big I got, daddy!” That’s not your daddy, that’s a terrorist.

#66 — Cleaning

This is Stockholm syndrome, plain and simple. If you’re grabbing a broom and cleaning out your own holding cell, they’ve already got you wrapped around their little finger. It’s so over. This isn’t the worst power on the list for you to pull out in a hostage scenario, but it is the most embarrassing. Don’t be so down bad for the people extorting you for cash.

#65 — Bubble

Come on, it’s just going to piss them off if you start blowing bubbles in their faces. Think!! If your go-to weapon for escaping this kind of situation is makes your enemy have to rub their eyes a lot, you are going to die so goddamn fast, my dude.

#64 — Freeze

Unlike the Ice ability, the Freeze ability doesn’t do much besides change the temperature. “Hey, did it just get cold in here? I think it’s this guy’s fault — let’s kill him!”

#63 — Bell

Clanging some bells around and making loud, annoying noises might stun your jailers for a moment, but again, is just going to make them angry the second they get back to their senses. Irritating them is not the way to go here. In fact, this is even probably going to get your fellow hostages pissed off at you and those people are literally your only ally here (unless for some insane reason you trust the police).

#62 — Paint

If you’ve truly given up on escaping, you could at least use the Paint ability to color the walls of your holding cell to be a little less drab. And maybe color therapy could have an effect on your captors too, who knows? “Wow now that this drab bank I’m holding up with my buddies is pink, I’m starting to realize that all this aggression is because of the cruelty of my father from when I was a boy!” Not likely, we’ll be honest.

#61 — Circus

Mildly amusing, and not much else, really. Sure you’ll have acrobatic agility and a slew of entertaining abilities, but juggling a bunch of bowling pins around probably won’t lead to your salvation here. At least try to chuck one of the pins at a guy’s nuts, right? Why are you juggling them?

#60 — Ball

You can turn into a ball and bounce off the walls. Pretty unwieldy to control, but you might hit someone in the head if you’re lucky. Overall, it’s really up to chance with this one, and largely depends on the location you’re being held captive in as a human bargaining chip.

#59 — Festival

This is like something out of Looney Tunes. You and your captors get dressed up in flamboyant festival attire and dance around for about 10 seconds. Then, it’s right back in the chair again. But hey, at least you guys could bond a little bit? That might help? Most likely, though, just wanna reiterate, you are going to die. Just now in a fancy little outfit. And that’s not nothing, I guess.

#58 — Whip

You’re already tied up, so a fat lot of good this will do you. More ropes won’t really help, and your captors will likely just confiscate them to tie more of your appendages down. Your only real chance of survival here is to strike up a conversation with them about how much you look like Indiana Jones and you better PRAY you have the same opinion on which one is the best of the five. Imagine getting held hostage by someone who loves Temple of Doom!

#57 — Throw

If you start throwing stuff around the room, they’re just going to blindfold you or something. You gotta stay cool in this situation, and just hope they get what they’re asking for and let you go, so long as they don’t consider you to be a liability in the future. The most likely thing you’re throwing here is the game, and the game is not dying. Because most likely you’re dead now.

#56 — Laser

You’d think this would be more helpful, but the laser beams will only bounce back and forth off of the walls and be entirely too chaotic. Everyone’s going to start shooting in retaliation, it’s gonna be a total mess. Good job, you started a full-on hectic shootout and you don’t even have a gun on you.

#55 — Wing

The second you try to fly out of that chair, expect your wings to be clipped immediately. There’s no way they’re going to allow this, and they’ll probably put you in a smaller, more uncomfortable cage or something, too. And if you’re not a Native American, you’re gonna straight up look like a girl at Coachella the whole time you’re cramped in there.

#54 — Stone

You turn into a rock or a statue or something. “Hey did that guy just turn into a marble statue of Mario?” You’ll be nearly invulnerable for a moment, but the second you turn back, they’ll murder you for sure. You can’t just Super Smash Bros. Down-B your way out of being in a hostage situation, dumbass.

#53 — High Jump

You can jump real high with this one, obviously, but the second you do, they’ll probably start shooting at you. Really only useful if you’re being held captive at the bottom of a well or something, and that’s probably not the case, unfortunately. Nice try, child-aged Bruce Wayne!

#52 — Cutter

Toss a razor sharp blade at the nearest person guarding your exit. Be careful though, because these things are also boomerangs, and will come right back to slice your head off if you’re not paying attention. DO NOT TRY UNLESS AUSTRALIAN.

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FuncoLand Manager Who Traveled From 1996 Via Time Machine: The Hard Drive Interview

Posted on July 14, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

If you’ve been following along with my series of abysmal interviews, you’ve no doubt been disappointed in at least one of your childhood favorite gaming icons, if not all three that I’ve spoken to. I couldn’t go on like this. Sure, its inevitable that in a month or two me and Diddy Kong are doing a dine and dash at an Arby’s while I ask him about his childhood, but for now, I just wanted a break, man. I thought maybe it would be a fun change of pace to interview someone from gaming’s past, so we dug out our old 32X* and activated it and waited for someone to come through the door!

(*For the younger gamers reading this, the 32X was a peripheral introduced by Sega in 1994 to attach to the top of the Sega Genesis console that allowed users to effortlessly travel through time. When paired with the Genesis and the Sega CD drive, it was truly the best gaming setup of the era. Sadly, poor sales and a resistance to altering the fabric of the space time continuum led to the 32X being a commercial failure. We still have ours, though!)

The door opens. I’m not sure why there’s smoke, but smoke rolls out. Here comes this guy. He’s got a red polo shirt on, some video game lanyards, and a name tag that says “Scott.” Poor Scott looks scared out of his mind. He wanders towards the table in our little interview room. I wish it was a more welcoming environment. My Hard Drive office sadly resembles a generic police interrogation room more than anything. I’ve put up a Mario poster, but he doesn’t even notice it.

Scott (FuncoLand Manager from 1996): What… what the hell is happening? Am I dreaming?

Hard Drive: No Scott, you’re not dreaming. You’ve been transported into 2023 so that I can interview you for my video game website. Welcome to the 21st century!

Scott: What? No really, what’s happening?

Hard Drive: My guess is that you were the closest human soul standing to the 32X back in 1996 that this unit here is synced up with. It’s kind of like Bluetooth, I guess?

Scott: What? Bluetooth?

Hard Drive: Oh, right! The ‘90s! It’s like, uh, I don’t know. Cordless shit. It’s… Bluetooth, you know? No one knows how it works! And it doesn’t always work. Frankly, I’m relieved we got you here intact. Last time I tried it all that came through the portal was a bloody shoe.

Scott: My feet do hurt a lot.

Hard Drive: Do they feel like they’re bleeding?

Scott: No.

Hard Drive: Cool! Looks like that soldering that Kevin did worked. What a relief.

Scott: Are you going to hurt me?

Hard Drive: No Scott, I just need to interview you for my website.

Scott: Wh-what’s a website?

Hard Drive: Oh damn, I was hoping you’d be ahead of the curve on this stuff. I guess not. Okay, so I’m thinking in 1996 websites were starting to pop up but maybe you hadn’t checked them out quite yet. Do you remember seeing any movie previews on TV and at the end they’d be like “Find out more at The Crow: City of Angels dot com?” or something weird like that?

Scott: Yeah, I do remember seeing that honestly. I didn’t know what the hell it meant.
Hard Drive: They were telling you about a website. If you got onto a computer, you could’ve digitally traveled to a little online place that probably had some cool desktop wallpapers of The Crow for you to download, maybe let you look at pictures of the cast and things like that.

Scott: *starts crying* I don’t understand what’s going on!

Hard Drive: Scott, Scott, it’s okay! We’ll get through this interview together.

Scott: And then you’ll send me back to 1996?

Hard Drive: Huh? Oh. Yeah. We know how to do that. Sure.

Scott: Fine. Let’s just do this then. Do you have anything to drink?

Hard Drive: Of course. Hey, can someone bring a Red Bull in here for Scott!

Scott screams and hides under the table. He begs me to call off the bull.

Hard Drive: Oh no! Haha, you think I’m talking about a real bull. Red Bull is a soft drink that really caught on over the last 20 years or so. Check this shit out.

Scott: Wow, that is really tasty. Is this a soda?

Hard Drive: No, that’s the best part! It’s actually an energy drink. All the cold, carbonated pleasures of a delicious soda with the extra kick you’d get from a cup of coffee.

Scott: It’s delicious, absolutely delicious. Oh, so is this the same “Red Bull” that your hat and shirt are advertising.

Hard Drive: Yes, it is, the exact same.

Scott: So you guys are like, sponsored by Red Bull, or?

Hard Drive: No! Why would you think that? I just thought a delicious Red Bull would hit the spot at a time like this. Although, let’s be honest, is there a bad time for a Red Bull? I sure don’t think so! Whether you’re at home and have to get some work done, or you’ve just base jumped off of the highest building in town, nothing goes down like a Red Bull. It gives you wings!

In hindsight, I really wish I hadn’t given him that Red Bull. It got him all fired up. He’d never touched the stuff before and we gave him one of those giant ones. I never stood a chance. He punched me a couple of times in the face, and then started choking me out with a Secret of Evermore lanyard he was wearing. I played dead and he took off into the unknown.

I got up and did my best to go after him as he escaped into the cold night. I tried calling after him, but when I think back on it, I’m pretty sure I was yelling out the name “Shawn.” The company car was out of gas, so I couldn’t chase him. Oh well, what was I gonna do if I did? It’s not like I could send him back. The 32X is a one way ticket, I’m afraid. I think Scott sort of figured that out by the end, and that’s part of why he took off. Pretty perceptive guy. That’s probably why he was made manager of FuncoLand.

Oh yeah, so how does this work? Did anyone reading this used to work at FuncoLand in 1996 and one day their manager Scott stopped showing up? I might know why. Let me know in the comments.

I wonder what Scotty’s up to out there. Maybe looking up his old friends. Maybe being shocked about the price of retro games these days. Oh shit! I should’ve asked him something about retro games. Damn. Looks like I blew another interview.

And finally, Scott, if you’re reading this, there’s something I gotta tell you:

Don’t go lookin’ for the City of Angels website. It ain’t there no more.

(Editor’s Note: Red Bull has insisted that they do not support or condone any of Hard Drive’s recent behavior, including interfering with the fabric of the space time continuum.)

Target’s Graphic Tee Designer Struggling to Think of a Fourth Video Game

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Garry Kerls

MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Target graphic designer Evan Franklin has been working late nights, trying to come up with a fourth video game to put on a t-shirt.

“Thinking of gamer tees is the hardest part of the job,” said Franklin from his office, surrounded by whiteboards with the names Mario, Zelda, and Sonic, all crossed off. “It’s not like they’re Disney movies, or weird niche restaurants from TV shows, where there are a million options. I mean, how many video games could there even be?”

“I thought I had a breakthrough last week,” Franklin explained, “but it turns out Link is just boy Zelda and now we’re back to square one.”

Gamers have long complained about the slim selection of gamer-themed merchandise at the retail chain, but they have recently become more outspoken.

“You mean to tell me they can have entire racks of ‘The Office’ and Metallica tees, but we have to settle for the same N64 characters on all our t-shirts? That’s just not right,” complained lifelong gamer and Target customer Mac Marsh. “Slap an indie game or two on there. Please. We’re not asking for much here.”

In response, Target has promised to improve their selection, as soon as they are able to find at least one new video game.

“We here at Target try our hardest to represent all fandoms, and we understand the lack of video games represented in our apparel,” said Mia Dorsey, Target’s Head of Product Development. “Rest assured, we have our best minds on the case, looking for evidence of any video game released this century.”

As of press time, Target has announced a t-shirt depicting the dinosaur from the game Google Chrome presents when there is no internet connection.

Gamer Enraged to Discover Most People’s Hobbies Don’t Make Them Angry At All

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Local gamer Devin Blander, 28, reacted with apocalyptic wrath to the revelation that those around him spend their free time engaging in activities that bring them joy, relaxation, or creative fulfillment — as opposed to the white hot rage that courses through every inch of Blander’s body while he plays video games.

“I told him his blood pressure was dangerous and he should dedicate more time to his hobbies,” explained Blander’s primary care physician, Dr. Leia Moss. “He said something about ‘hours on Bloodborne,’ but I didn’t really hear because he was also ripping the blood pressure cuff off his arm and throwing it against the concrete wall of my exam room. I’m a little shaken up. Good thing I have my watercolor painting class after work to calm me down.”

Blander took to the platform Twitch, where he regularly streams games such as Crash Bandicoot, Dark Souls, and Cuphead, to confirm his suspicions. Blander was predictably furious when his loyal streaming audience revealed that they also have hobbies that bring them joy, not just frustration.

Twitch user Noir_souls0 wrote, “I tap dance at the community center and feel great afterwards 🙂 Sometimes I garden too.”

Another Twitch user, DanD0222, wrote over the course of several messages: “Y do you game so much bro. All you do is complain lol. I thought u at least had a Patreon or something. Y is ur face so red?”

Blander immediately banned DanD0222 from the chat before knocking his PC monitor to the ground and beginning to eat the broken shards in an adrenaline-induced dissociative episode. Following his release from urgent care, Blander’s girlfriend Keira Lang, 26, took action to find Blander a more fulfilling and less hazardous passtime.

“I convinced him to try crocheting, but now everytime he drops a stitch he uses the hooks to stab more holes in my drywall. Maybe video games aren’t actually the problem,” speculated Lang, while holding Roscoe, a rescue terrier she trained herself in her free time. “I’m gonna try crushing up some beta blockers in his Mountain Dew next, but I’m worried his emotional regulation might just be too warped at this [point].”

Lang was forced to cut her statement short when an airborne crochet hook accidentally impaled Roscoe. At press time, the beloved pet was in critical condition but stable.

As Mayor of This Town, I Accept Full Responsibility for Last Weekend’s Tragic ‘Twisted Metal’ Themed Summer Festival

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Hello, everybody. After spending a few days in my vacation home and going through your tweets and letters, I’ve decided to make the following statement:

I, Walker Randall “Joe Jr.” McKinley, as mayor of the modest coastal town of Harrisville, shoulder full responsibility for the disastrous Twisted Metal Festival that took place over the weekend. There is a lot of blame to go around, and many questions that deserve answers, but I thought this would be a good start. Needless to say, I will be fully funding all related funerals and automobile repairs. We’ll figure out the paperwork later.

Basically, it all just got away from us at some point.

When I dressed like Calypso and declared the Twisted Metal Festival’s official start, I really thought I had captured the town’s excitement and energy in a way I’d failed to in my previous two terms. When my Father Joe McKinley was the mayor, this was never a concern of his, and despite adapting the moniker ‘Joe, Jr.’ early in my political career, I remain dedicated to doing the things my father was unable to achieve in office, like giving back to the community and not sexually harassing a majority of the female staffers I come into contact with during my career.

Nevertheless, the positive vibes from the opening ceremony didn’t last long, as I’m sure most of you know. There’s this fella, Axel, that’s in those Twisted Metal games. He’s a tough sumbitch that’s hooked up to a couple of big old wheels and he just rolls around like that. We thought it’d be fun to grab old Bill Parker and tie him up to some of his tractor tires and have him roll out and tell everyone to have a great Twisted Metal weekend.

As a lot of you now probably know, somewhere along the way they did a bad job rigging Bill up, and no sooner did he come riding out in front of most of the town’s population then both of his arms ripped right from his body and kept spinning around, because they were attached to the tires. The medical team had a heck of a time getting his legs untied from the vehicle, both due to the spraying blood and the ramshackle nature of the zip ties used, and sadly, as you probably know, we lost Bill that day. Many of you are aware, but in case you’re not, there will be a candlelight vigil later tonight behind the A1 Party Store, next to the tree Bill used to get drunk and fool around with.

We’re gonna miss you like hell, Bill. I’m really, really sorry I convinced you to portray Axel from the Twisted Metal games for the opening of our town’s festival. I’ll always remember the last thing he said to me:

“Walker, I’ll die if you put me in this thing.”

Hindsight. It really is 20/20, huh?

There’s no way around it, that was a rough start to the Twisted Metal Weekend. I know it’s easy to look back now and say we should have canceled the event entirely after the kickoff event featured a man being Mortal Kombat fatalitied by a machine just before the middle school jazz band came out and played some selections from the PS1 classic (they did great by the way!), but in the heat of the moment, we just didn’t want to sort out refunds on top of all the stuff with the coroner and morgue, now that we had a death. It felt like the easiest thing to just let everything go on as planned than uproot an entire event over just one little death. Ask Vince McMahon.

I realize now, however, that Bill’s horrific demise was merely a subtle hint that maybe the rest of the weekend wouldn’t go off as seamlessly as I’d planned. I should’ve paid attention to the clues!

As difficult an event as that was to endure (in a Calypso costume, by the way), I still wish it had been the extent of the weekend’s unfortunate encounters.

I realize now that having real ice cream trucks as well as Sweet Tooth cosplayers wandering the festival was a huge mistake. Whatever those kids need, I’ll take care of it. Probably some therapy, and I know I have more than one clown’s medical bills to take care of. What a disaster that all turned into. And the kid’s portion was supposed to be the easy stuff! 100 percent on me, that one.

You know another thing we got wrong? The designated ‘Twisted Metal zones’ were just way too close to the parking lots. A lot of people got their vehicles really damaged, and I feel downright awful about that. It’s not necessarily as bad as Bill Parker getting disarmed while his parents watched, but it is still a relevant concern, as most of the vehicles were left in a state of disrepair and general inability to operate. As I’ve said numerous times, get your cars towed and fixed and we’ll sort it out later. In the meantime, call my office if you need a ride somewhere in town, and we’ll do our best to send somebody.

Now, while it’s true that we did think to cancel the rooftop ramp jumping contest planned for Sunday night, what I’m ready to reveal publicly for the first time today is that it was only after we fatally lost several test drivers. Several. After the first one, our head stunt coordinator said that maybe he just panicked, so we sent a few more drivers. They all just died. Did you hear all those booms in the middle of the night? Those were all stuntmen dying, just trying to test the roof jumps. So that’s another whole mess.

On the bright side, however, we would like to congratulate little Christie Buford on winning the Napalm contest. We hope you enjoy your summer at Raytheon’s new Space & Torture Camp!

In closing, we appreciate everyone’s patience as we sort this mess out, I just wanted to say that one more time. I promise to do everything in my power to help anyone that’s been hurt by Twisted Metal Weekend, and I assure you all that I have learned some valuable lessons.

Also, keep an eye out for a new series of safety regulations we’re going to be implementing to make sure that our ‘Rocket League Nights’ event in the fall goes off without a hitch. We’ll see you there!

Excessively Meta Video Game Seems to Know That it Sucks

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — A new video game with numerous meta references sure seems to be aware that it’s ultimately a pretty crappy game, sources have confirmed.

“That’s clever, I guess,” said local gamer Jonah Lott, shortly after playing a demo of Sucking It Up!, a new 3-D platformer that stars a vacuum named Sucky. “It kept breaking the fourth wall and complaining about every video game trope that we discovered. I’d suck up 100 more XP and unlock a new move like a double jump and Sucky would roll his eyes and talk shit about how generic it was, but then I just used the double jump a bunch in the next portion of the game. I don’t get it. So is it stupid or not?”

The developers of Sucking It Up! hope their debut game makes an impact.

“We obviously love video games, but we also wanted to poke a little fun at them,” said Michael Schneider, the game’s director. “We started writing down every trope that we could think of to satirize, and eventually what we had up on the whiteboard started to sound like a pretty fun video game, so it actually sort of worked out. You can get away with all kinds of shit if you just make your main character, in our case Sucky the Sentient Vacuum Cleaner, say something like, ‘Oh great, another boss fight. I hope this one also fights me using repeating patterns.’ Boom, now you’re doing commentary and it’s okay if it’s predictable and nobody’s having very much fun. It’s a pretty nice set-up, really.”

Some gamers, however, weren’t pleased with the satirical tone of the flawed game.

“So I spend money on a video game to tell me the other video games I play are stupid?” asked Tonya Warren, a local gamer who was skeptical of Sucking It Up!’s entertainment value. “Sounds like a blast, fellas. Hey, if you ever find the way out of your own asshole, maybe you could just embrace the medium for what it is and find the time to enjoy something? Satire and video games are two different mediums entirely. Keep them away from each other.”

Sucking It Up! will be released this holiday season. As of press time, developers announced plans to ironically release overpriced DLC later this year that doesn’t really add anything to the game, as part of the bit.

Every Christopher Nolan Movie Ranked by When My Mom Tapped Out Watching Them

Posted on July 13, 2023 by Camden Brazile

With the upcoming release of his latest film Oppenheimer, audiences have reason to re-examine director Christopher Nolan’s filmography to find his true masterpiece. To determine which of Nolan’s films is his magnum opus, I consulted the wisest, most introspective cinephile I know.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t available, so I showed them to my mom Lorraine Brazile instead.

This is every Christopher Nolan movie ranked by when in the movie my mom’s eyes glazed over and she tapped out.

#10 — Tenet

(Tap-Out Point: 0 Minutes)

Nope. Not even going to bother. I just put on A League of Their Own instead.

#9 — Inception

(Tap-Out Point: 20 Minutes)

While my mom does think Leonardo DiCaprio is “A Cutie Pie,” that’s not enough to handle Nolan’s dense dream heist movie. Even though it’s a movie that is 90% explaining, my mom understandably has questions. What’s Marion Cotillard’s deal? What’s with the top? My mom calls it quits after the first set piece when they explain that you can steal something in people’s mind but also you can put something into it instead except it can’t be done except it can.

#8 — Memento
(Tap-Out Point: 30 Minutes)

Believe it or not, a neo-noir with two temporalities, multiple false identities, an unreliable narrator, and memory loss told in completely reverse order except for some parts only lasts thirty minutes before my mom reaches for Candy Crush

#7 — Interstellar
(Tap-Out Point: 35 Minutes)

Even previous People’s Sexiest Man Alive Matthew McConaughey can’t save my mom from tapping out when they start explaining time dilation and wormholes. Even if she made it past all that, McConaughey floating and flying around a bookcase that is both in space and in the past would’ve just made her upset.

#6 — The Dark Knight Rises
(Tap-Out Point: 1 Hour)

While the plot isn’t overly complicated and there’s nothing confusing or difficult, my mom turns this movie off for a general disinterest in Anne Hathaway

#5 — Batman Begins
(Tap-Out Point: 65 Minutes)

My mom taps out one hour into this movie after asking me six times when the Joker is going to show up

#4 — The Prestige
(Tap-Out Point: 80 Minutes)

While my mom likes Hugh Jackman, there’s both a part in the grounded period piece where suddenly David Bowie shows up and makes a cloning machine. That said, my mom taps out during the lengthy sequence where Hugh Jackman hatches an elaborate plan to steal Christian Bale’s encrypted diary while Christian Bale hatches an elaborate plot to steal Hugh Jackman’s encrypted diary and both read each other’s diaries only to find out they both wanted the other person to steal their diary and filled it with lies and red herrings for no reason.

#3 — The Dark Knight
(Tap-Out Point: 2 Hours)

I have a vivid memory of both of my parents seeing this movie on a date and genuinely enjoying it, although on rewatches my mom taps out from sheer length and exhaustion when the two ferry bombs are introduced to watch 90 Day Fiancé instead.

#2 — Following
(NO TAP OUT)

My mom makes it through this one. It’s a solid calling-card movie that shows Nolan knows where to put the camera. Perhaps the best endorsement of this simple, short test film is that my mom never once reached for Candy Crush during its 70 minute runtime.

#1 — Insomnia

(NO TAP OUT. STARTED WATCHING IT AGAIN BUT FELL ASLEEP AFTER 15 MINUTES)

My mom felt like Robin Williams only has like four funny jokes in this movie, but she sympathizes with Al Pacino’s character as someone who also struggles with insomnia whenever my dad snores really loud.