Chris Pratt Announced As New Voice of RFK Jr.

Posted on by RJ Dralle

HOLLYWOOD, CA. — News broke this morning on President Trump’s Truth Social account that the Trump Administration has officially hired famed Hollywood actor, Chris Pratt, to be the new voice of RFK Jr.

“HUGE NEWS! HOLLYWOOD’S SEXIEST CHRIS (PRATT) (NO HOMO!) WILL NOW BE THE NEW VOICE OF OUR MAHA LEADER BOBBY KENNEDY! BOBBY IS A GREAT MAN BUT AWFUL VOICE! LISTENING TO HIM MAKES MY EARS HURT MORE THAN WHEN THEY GOT SHOT! OUCH! TO MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN YOU HAVE TO SOUND HEALTHY! THAT’S WHY WE GOT CHRIS (NO LONGER FAT) PRATT TO GIVE BOB THE VOICE HE DESERVES! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” truthed President Trump.

The news was surprising to hear for many Americans around the country, but Pratt, himself, explained to reporters why he insisted on taking this iconic role.

“As we all know, I wasn’t always the healthiest man. So, this is a role that speaks to me personally. I can now be a real-life Star Lord and help others on their health journeys. Now, my voice can be the one to teach people that vaccines are actually just the sperm of Satan, that rubbing sterile goat urine on your body will de-age a person’s skin, and by drinking ample amounts of raw milk mixed with blended raw dog testicles, you’ll lose as much weight as I did before joining Marvel.”

There are still questions as to whether or not this casting will make serious changes to Americans’ health. But one American, in particular, has high hopes for a brighter future ahead.

“This new voice casting is going to save my marriage,” exclaimed actress Cheryl Hines, wife of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “It has been a long eleven years. He’s cheated on me, he wears his jeans to bed, he’s eaten almost all of our pets. And that voice! You know what’s more dead than the worm in his head? My libido. But having a voice like Chris Pratt replacing my husband’s could fix all of our problems! Yes, it won’t change the COVID-denying, measles-loving ass that he is. But at least he’ll sound sexier. Although, I still wish they could have gotten Hemsworth.”

At press time, Chris Pratt was seen entering the Department of Health, gargling narwhal blood to warm up his vocal cords for the day’s work ahead.

Game Developer Union Secures Nine Day Work Week

Posted on by Nick Coffman

SAN FRANCISCO — In a monumental win for workers at Rock the Boat Studios, the Boat Rockers’ Guild, a union made up of over 100 workers across multiple job titles, successfully negotiated to shorten their work week from ten days to nine days. Boat Rocker President and lead negotiator for the guild, Dean Williams, shared the details of the new deal in a video to guild members.

“With this new deal, developers, artists, QA testers, and so many more get one step closer to achieving a healthy work-life balance,” WIlliams shared, as uproarous cheers rang through the offices of Rock the Boat. “Those looking to spend more time with family have that option now. Those looking to start a family…I would hold off on that for a bit. Our demands for longer paternity leave periods were stopped at the gate. But onward we go!”

The new contract comes after a month-long walkout that halted all work on Rock the Boat’s upcoming real-time strategy game WaveStorm, which is supposed to be the big return of the genre. The game’s development has been harrowing for workers. Long hours, poor work conditions, and online backlash to decisions made in the game’s development have had many workers considering a career change.

“Studio leadership heard your concerns and they were ready to throw out all the stops, besides parental leave, to help improve morale and make this a happy family,” Williams said, as he held up a pillow and a gun. “All workers will have a pillow supplied to them. This is for sleeping under the desk when you WANT to stay late and work toward our fast approaching deadlines. They have also agreed to allow workers the opportunity to take paid time off to kill one angry gamer. That’s what the gun is for.”

CEO and founder of Rock the Boat, George “Boat Smasher” Quine, spoke to press after the announcement.

“They’re just so mean. I give and give and give and they just take and take and take. Why are they so mean to me,” Quine asked in tears and snot bubbles as he rocked back and forth on his office couch while craddling a large bag of money. “I just want to make money and eat caviar and hang out with other cool rich people on their cool big boats and scheme together to control and overthrow governments, and these stupid poors hassle me for time off to go take care of their dumb poor kids. This is all just too much.”

At press time Quine soloed a plate of caviar while Googling “How to Replace Workforce with AI Free Online”.

RFK Jr. Cancels All Phoenix Down Development

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — In a major blow to American healthcare United States Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced that all Phoenix Down development in the country will be discontinued.

“There is simply no science that proves Phoenix Downs provide any health benefits to users. It’s a dangerous pseudoscience that endangers our youth,” said RFK Jr. while holding a press conference to show off how much raw milk he could chug. “We simply cannot allow our citizens to put these dangerous feathers in their bodies. Who knows what kind of toxins it brings. Sure, there are a small minority of people, namely fallen party members, who need Phoenix Down to live but if you don’t know a White Mage who can cast Life then you are weak and there is no use for you in this life. Not in this country at least.”

Health experts warn that this could be catastrophic in the long term.

“Without Phoenix Downs to bring people back to life, healers will be quickly overwhelmed by requests to use high level spells like Curaga and Life more frequently. There’s only so much MP to use and so inevitably many people will be left to die,” said former High Summoner of Spira Lady Yuna. “What RFK Jr. is doing is dangerous for everyone. He’s the most evil thing I’ve ever encountered and that includes Sin.”

Not all were upset with the announcement.

“RFK has the health of the people in mind and he should be applauded for that,” said Rufus Shinra, President of the Shinra Electric Power Company. “With his leadership and the discontinuation of Phoenix Downs this country will grow stronger. The weak will be culled as they should, the mako will flow and our profits will grow high.”

At press time, RFK Jr. was seen dragging a Chocobo carcass into his trunk.

Uh Oh! Spider in Apartment Has Massive Health Bar

Posted on by Jacob Albrecht

CHICAGO — A seemingly harmless spider climbing up the wall of a local man’s apartment has been revealed to be a mini-boss with a massive health bar, arachnophobic sources confirm.

“I get spiders in my apartment from time to time, but never like this,” said apartment resident Shawn Johnson, 28. “I went to squash it with a flip-flop like usual, next thing I know I’m hearing Dark Orchestral music and seeing this big-ass health bar. I was even frozen in place for a second while it did a short, unskippable cinematic.”

The spider was eager to share its motivation and backstory just before the battle began.

“For eons without number, my kin and I have defended this, our ancestral home,” claimed Arachnyll, Scourge of the Dark. “All ye who enter upon this hallowed studio, feel the hate that burns within me, for it is deep and insatiable. Your pathetic life will meet its immediate end, and in your carcass I shall hatch a new generation of guardians.”

Local exterminator Liz Probst was quick to share with us her advice for dealing with pesky ancient eldritch vermin.

“Yeah, I see this kind of thing all the time,” said Probst, 43. “Arachnyll’s a tricky one, but that don’t mean he can’t be beat. His bite attack is easy enough to parry, but you’re gonna have to dodge the lunge attacks. Phase 2 is when he starts spraying venom, and that shit can be deadly. Overall, though, you can just stay right up under his ass and slash like there’s no tomorrow, and he’ll be dead soon enough. If it helps, you can also throw a trap down to chip away some health before the fight even starts, but personally I’d just go for it.”

At press time, the slain spider has dropped a rare greatsword and those keys you lost.

Investigation Reveals Earth’s Defender Goku Has Ties to Sexual Predator Living on Private Island

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

KAME HOUSE — An investigation by KBC News has revealed troubling connections between Earth’s most celebrated hero Son Goku and notorious pervert Master Roshi, a hermit who lives alone on a secluded island supposedly training children in martial arts.

“I don’t really know the guy. He didn’t teach me the Kamehameha. I learned it myself. I’m the best at Kamehameha. People say they’ve never seen a Kamehameha as good as mine,” Goku, who is also known by the alias Kakarot, said at a press conference, while doing 1,000 push-ups. “A lot of people trained me, okay? We’ve got people from all over the universe begging to train me. Great people. Some bald. Some cats. Some green. Some even black actually, very black. No one gives me credit for that one. I don’t remember them all. There could’ve been the bald one. Frankly, I don’t associate with them. I just train. Everyone knows that. I’m the best at training.”

The statement directly contradicts decades of evidence obtained by ZTV.

“We have literal footage of Goku living at Roshi’s home as a child, being gifted the iconic Flying Nimbus from him, and literally naming him as his martial arts master in five separate world tournaments,” ZTV investigative reporter. “I am not saying Goku did anything inappropriate but the revelations stem from a newly unsealed capsule log detailing Roshi’s long history of sexual misconduct that includes rampant voyeurism, unsolicited groping, and distributing pornography to minors. Most of which Goku was either present or aware of.”

Master Roshi refused to comment to journalists about these allegations, but released a statement via his podcast The Kame-Kast.

“This is just another cancel-culture witch hunt, plain and simple. You can’t even compliment a woman’s voluptuous… aura anymore without some woke kai telling you it’s predatory. Some women like compliments,” Master Roshi said as his nostrils erupted in a profuse nosebleed. “If women don’t want to get cat-called, they shouldn’t be dressing up in revealing bunny costumes and bikinis all the time. Back in my day, a man could ogle girly books and watch work-out videos without people calling him a creep! Goku has gone soft, this planet’s gotten soft. ”

At press time, Goku Instant Transmissioned away when confronted by reporters about the travel logs of Roshi’s sea turtle associate, Umigame.

Nook Inc. Reviewing Blathers Museum Exhibits to Ensure They Align with Tom Nook’s Vision of Island History

Posted on by Matt Fresh

ANIMAL VILLAGE — Nook Inc. announced this week that they would be initiating a review of Blathers Museum after CEO Tom Nook complained that it wasn’t painting island history positively enough.

“Blathers Museum is OUT OF CONTROL,” wrote Nook in a late night tirade on social media. “It is fixated on nothing but BUGS and FOSSILS. Nothing about success, nothing about brightness. Nothing about how I built this place to what it is now through generous loans and forced labor of the minority human population. We’re not going to allow this and I have instructed my sons to go through the museum and ensure it’s exhibits paint the version of history I deem acceptable. This Island cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the ‘HOTTEST’ Island in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums.” 

Nook’s sons Timmy and Tommy have outlined the process by which they will restructure the museum.

“We’re gonna do just like dad told us. We’re gonna go through the museum and get rid of anything that is a bug or fossil and replace it with an exhibit about how great dad is,” the pair said in complete tandem. “The villagers need to know about the glory that our father has brought to this island. If it wasn’t for him, that human wouldn’t have even done any of the work building the village and getting villagers to move in. He made this island great and that’s more important than bugs. But if Blathers wants to keep some bug exhibits up then he can buy them back from Nook Inc for a perfectly reasonable amount of Bells.”

Museum owner Blathers hit back against Nook’s crusade.

“This attempt by Tom Nook and his cronies to paper over an important part of island history is a disservice to everyone on this island. The villagers deserve to know about the bugs and fossils that inhabit their home. I mean, what’s more important than bugs and fossils? Sanitizing this museum to prop up Tom Nook’s fragile ego is the worst thing that has happened to this island since a bunch of villagers disappeared because the owner found them undesirable.”

At press time, Nook Inc has already started work on it’s revisionist exhibits, changing the Sea Bass exhibit to C+. 

Well, We’ll Always Not Have Half-Life 3

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

My fellow fans of quality video game satire, I have devastating news. Hell hath frozen over. Hollow Knight: Silksong is releasing on September 4, putting a definitive end to jokes about Silksong never coming out. I repeat: one of our most enduring running jokes is dead. May all our clown gifs rest in power.

Video game comedy (and maybe the regular, non-video game kind, I wouldn’t know) is hard. It takes a lot of work to craft an observation that’s equal parts funny, insightful, unexpected, and about video games. But no matter how much this crazy world around us changes, anyone wanting to make jokes about video games on the Internet could always rely on two eternal truths: It would be funny if the mushrooms Mario ate were really drugs, and there’s one game that’s just taking forever to come out, man. In 1998, the second Penny Arcade strip ever was about how Daikatana hadn’t released yet, and the world of dumb jokes about video games hasn’t been the same ever since.

I still remember the halcyon days when video game humor was an industry in its own right. There were countless websites about it. Some of them were even funny. And hundreds of good hard-working writers, actors, artists, and animators could count on gainful employment, all because Duke Nukem Forever still hadn’t come out. I mean, what’s the deal with that? I haven’t actually looked at the data to confirm it, but I can confidently say for a fact that every single person who made a joke about Duke Nukem Forever back then became a billionaire afterwards. Then Duke Nukem Forever came out (in case you forgot, which is likely) and the market was ruined. What were all the people whose livelihood depended on that joke supposed to do? Make different jokes? It was hopeless.

We thought The Last Guardian jokes could fill the void, but then that had to come out and ruin everything too. Silksong seemed to be our new savior, and for a lot of us it still feels like it is. The shock takes time to process. Some of us are already turning to The Elder Scrolls VI as the new heir to The Joke, but personally I have my doubts. We’ll be waiting for that one a long time to come, for sure, but it’s a Bethesda game. The well of jokes about it never coming out will eventually run dry, even if the well of jokes about it being a bland buggy mess won’t.

No, in these dark times of video games actually releasing, we need to turn to the old reliable. It’s the cliche pick, true, but if we didn’t like cliches we wouldn’t be making this joke. No matter what happens, we can always sleep soundly knowing that Half-Life 3 will never come out. People have been waiting on the next chapter of Gordon Freeman’s story in one way or another for 18 years now. The wait for this game can legally buy tobacco! Now that’s the kind of not releasing you can hang your hat on.

I’m sure some Doubting Debbies are already prepared to tell me I’m wrong, and that there are all kinds of hints of Half-Life 3’s imminent release just around the corner. After all, we’re talking about Valve here. They may take a long time, but they always come through on their promises in the end. Once they’ve finished doing regular updates for the first Left 4 Dead, item trading for Portal 2, a moonbase map for Team Fortress 2, the Great Confluence event for Dota 2, the million-dollar tournament for Artifact, and the second season of Dota Underlords that they also said they’ll do, they might get started on Half-Life 3 right away.

Well, if by some horrible stroke of fate the worst-case scenario happens and Half-Life 3 some day actually releases, we’ll always not have Beyond Good and Evil 2.

‘Peacemaker’ Fan Prepares for Season 2 by Having White Nationalist Dad

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

LEWISTOWN, Pa. — Local superhero enthusiast and ‘Peacemaker’ fan Trevor Plainview is preparing for the second season of the hit James Gunn show by simply being the son of a white supremacist, per multiple reports. 

“You know, in most ways, having a white nationalist dad really sucks on the day-to-day”, Plainview stated to press. “But in this one, specific way, it’s kinda cool, because it means I can relate to John Cena’s character, Chris Smith, whose dad is a raging racist and member of the Klan. Feels like my struggle and his struggle are pretty similar, you know? He has a dad who’s a supervillain called White Dragon, and I have a dad who hung a Confederate flag on the living room wall even though we live in a Union state. He gets all cagey whenever you ask him about it.” 

When approached for comment, Plainview’s father John had the following to say: 

“What? Peace-bringer? Never heard of that, and couldn’t care less what the damn boy’s up to up there all day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a, uh…a meeting with a few good buddies. I really gotta go. …Is this gonna be on the local news?” 

Nathan Summers, a lifelong friend of Plainview and a fellow Comic-Con attendee, also drew the connection between his pal and the titular character of the popular series. 

“Ok, so if Trevor’s Peacemaker, then I guess that makes me Vigilante,” Summers offered via interview. “And he’s definitely Peacemaker. That dad of his is a piece of work, let me tell you. One time in the third grade, the two of us came home with our friend Andrew, who’s half Korean, and Mr. Plainview asked him if he spoke English when he walked into the house. Then he was eyeing us the whole time through the sliding screen door while the three of us played outside, and told Trevor not to bring him around again afterwards. So yeah, I can definitely see how Trevor relates to the show a lot. I think he really enjoyed it when the dad got killed in season one.” 

At press time, Plainview was seen donning a Peacemaker costume and seemingly attempting to use its helmet to incinerate his father while he was watching an episode of Duck Dynasty. 

Weapons (2025) Wikipedia Plot Summary Review (Guest Column By Guy Too Scared to Watch It)

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Weapons, from Director Zach Cregger (The Whitest Kids U’ Know), starring Josh Brolin (Marvel’s The Avengers Post Credit Scenes), has stunned the box office this past week, leaving audiences spooked and critics impressed. At least that’s what I hear, because this film critic’s severe phobia of anything creepy, scary, and otherwise unsettling, has kept me away from the movies. However, my want to stay relevant coupled with chronic FOMO has resulted in the following comprehensive review of the Wikipedia plot synopsis for Weapons (2025).

The film’s hook revolves around the disappearance of a local third grade class. One night, at exactly 2:17 A.M., all but one student suddenly ran out of their homes–arms akimbo–and disappeared into the night, a scene that would most definitely give me nightmares if I saw it.

Two months after that incident, the teacher of the class (Julia Garner) and a father of one of the missing children (Josh Brolin), begin their own investigations into the strange event. Along with the final remaining child, Alex Lilly (Cary Christopher), the narrative of the film jumps from one character’s perspective to another, a directing style that would’ve made my brain hurt if I hadn’t been reading the plot on my phone.

We soon learn from Alex’s perspective that his parents, along with the rest of his third grade class, have been bewitched by his great-aunt Gladys. Gladys is a dying witch who uses her witch-powers to control people, a sentence that reads much sillier than the film seems to let on.

At this point in my reading I sighed a sigh of relief knowing I would never have to look at Gladys’ seemingly hideous mug. Her description is chilling and I curse my brain for even attempting to imagine what she looks like.

In the end, however, it’s teamwork that makes the dreamwork. The adults eventually figure out that the single remaining child may actually have something to do with the disappearances, and after a final fight sequence, Gladys meets her demise at the hands of the children she cursed. A stomach curdling rabbit-hole search into dismemberment put the final bow on my experience with Weapons (2025), and I couldn’t be happier it’s over. 5 stars!

Bethesda Remasters Elder Scrolls VI Announcement Trailer for Original Trailer’s Seven Year Anniversary

Posted on by Kate Danvers

BETHESDA, Md. — Bethesda Game Studios director and executive producer Todd Howard unveiled The Elder Scrolls VI Announcement Trailer: Remastered during a showcase of the company’s upcoming projects, sources confirm. 

“We want to take you back to that moment at E3 in 2018,” Howard said during his keynote speech, “we want to put you in the seat of a games journalist, fan, or YouTube reactor seeing the trailer for the first time. To watch the camera soar over that non-descript mountain range as the title appears. If we can rekindle the same feelings you had on that day, then I think we’ve succeeded as artists.” 

The audience cheered as the thirty second trailer came to a close. One attendee, Grant Carter, saw it as an opportunity to connect with his son. 

“Dylan wasn’t even born yet when the original announcement trailer released,” Carter said, shedding a single tear, “now that he’s seven, I get to share the experience of watching that announcement for the first time. I can’t wait to see his jaw drop as he realizes what he’s seeing. If he’s anything like his old man, he’ll be yelling about how epic it looks.” 

Others in attendance were more skeptical, expressing disappointment in the trailer’s scope, suggesting the original trailer could be remastered into an actual game.

“That’s great and all, but Bethesda is ignoring their core fanbase,” said Brent Graham, a longtime fan of the series. “Why hasn’t Morrowind’s trailer gotten a remaster in all these years? They knew how to make promotional material back then. In my mind, it shouldn’t even count as a trailer unless it has a dozen quotes from niche gaming websites and magazines ranking the game against everything else they saw at E3 that year.”

At press time, Bethesda still hadn’t given a release date for The Elder Scrolls VI, but promised they’re hard at work on the game while they wait for another generation of consoles to release Skyrim on.