IDubbbz Pulverizes Ryan’s World in Ill-Matched Creator Clash

Posted on by Camden Brazile

TAMPA, Fla. — Following the smash success of the recent Creator Clash, a charity boxing event pitting famous YouTubers against each other, Youtuber and promoter Ian Washburn, known by his online moniker Idubbbz, received criticism for his title fight against six-year-old YouTuber Ryan’s World.

“With 34 million subscribers on YouTube, I thought Ryan would make a great headline fight against myself, but I was a bit disappointed in his fighting skills. I absolutely fucking rinsed him round one,” Idubbbz said after the fight. “I knew we would be slightly unevenly matched given that we’re not in the same weight class, I’m 130 pounds heavier than him, but since it was for charity we decided to just fudge the numbers a little bit to put on a good show.”

Idubbbz went on to elaborate on his strategy for fighting the viral third grader. 

“He came out with so much swagger and confidence, being led into the ring by his mom and dad, but as soon as we heard the bell I brained him with a left hook sending him flying into the ropes,” Idubbbz bragged. “I saw his eyes well with tears as he took a devastating uppercut, practically shattering his jaw on impact. You think you’re so cute, unboxing your little surprise eggs and unwrapping presents, let’s see your thumbnail reaction when you unbox a fucking kidney punch in front of thousands of people. Not very well.”

“Mr. Ian hit me so hard, I am in indescribable pain,” a hospital-bound Ryan explained. “Mr. Ian just said we would be collaborating for charity, he never said we would be fighting. He said we would just be in a video together, then he beat me senseless to raucous applause. I wanted to help the misfortune with my videos, now doctors say my brain is bleeding. Mr. Ian, if you’re out there, you better hope I die, because if not, I’m coming back for you.”

At press time, sources reported the incredibly successful Creator Clash raised a staggering $450,000 for charity, most of which has been used to cover some of Ryan’s copious medical bills after the fight.

Elon Musk Insists Fire Spreading on Fourth Floor of Twitter HQ Not as Bad as Press Making It Out to Be

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter CEO and aspiring humorist Elon Musk announced today that the press is making too large a deal about the raging fire currently consuming much of Twitter’s fourth floor. 

“You can believe everything you hear in the MSM,” Musk tweeted, followed by several dozen cry-laugh emojis. “Like when they said I met Ghislaine Maxwell more times than just the one picture of me and her at a party, or when they said I massively overpaid for a platform I ultimately showed the world I never truly understood. Just so many blatant lies.” 

“Based on current trends, fire on fourth floor should be out in 10 to 20 minutes,” he continued. 

Despite Musk’s reports to the contrary, the fire managed to spread to the floors above and below it before local firemen were able to control the blaze. 

“That was pretty fucking wild,” said local firefighter Glenn Burkhalter, after assisting in the effort. “A building this size, you figure there’s going to be a lot of people in there, so that was our first concern. When we went in though it was just a big empty building with a man sitting at a computer as everything burned down around him. It was a hell of a thing. I thought it was a mannequin or something at first. Having carried him down to safety and spoken to him briefly, I’m still not sure if that was a human or what the hell.” 

As of press time, Musk had written ’69’ in the soot on the ground surrounding Twitter headquarters and asked why nobody was laughing. 

Star Wars Jedi Survivor Cantina DJ Guide: Where To Find Them

Posted on by Billy Givens

There is no shortage of side-quests to undertake in Star Wars: Jedi Survivor, including one where you must find the cantina DJ. Like the other Jedi: Survivor side quests, the rewards for this quest are worth the effort. One of the earliest side missions, “The Musician and Their Droid,” tasks you with finding a missing DJ for the cantina. You can pick the quest up by speaking to Monk, the bartender of Pyloon’s Saloon, after completing the Forest Array main mission. Here’s where to find the cantina DJ.

Where to find the Cantina DJ in Star Wars: Jedi Survivor

Where to find the cantina DJ in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor.

After picking up the quest titled “The Musician and Their Droid,” head out of the saloon and grab yourself a mount at the nearby stables. Head out of Rambler’s Reach Outpost into the Southern Reach area of the map, then wrap around into Harvest Ridge by going up the nearby slope to the left there.

When you reach Harvest Ridge from this direction, you’ll find two NPCs standing off to the side of the area. DD-EC is a droid who just so happens to be the DJ you’re looking for, while his companion Ashe Javi helps him along with the process. Speak to them to invite them back to Pyloon’s Saloon, to which they’ll happily oblige.

This will complete your quest, but don’t forget to stop back by Pyloon’s Saloon and speak with them at the DJ booth later. You can request for DD-EC to play a variety of songs, including those you purchase from Doma using the Priorite Shards you find across the galaxy. So whenever you feel like kicking back and jamming to some tunes, DD-EC’s got you covered.

Found the Cantina DJ in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor but still can’t figure out how to get Cal a new haircut? Check out our customization guide for Star Wars Jedi: Survivor.

Star Wars Jedi: Survivor: How To Customize Your Appearance

Posted on by Billy Givens

If you’ve played Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, you may be used to seeing main character Cal Kestis in a whole lot of different ponchos without much else to customize. However, in the brand-new sequel, Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, Cal actually has quite a lot more customization options that extend to and beyond his clothing. By finding various hairstyles, beard styles, clothes, and more throughout your journey, you can make Cal look just about any way you’d like. Here’s how to customize Cal’s appearance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor, including with new clothes & hairstyles.

How to Customize Cal’s Appearance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor

If you’ve been finding some customization items around the galaxy and want to customize Cal’s appearance, you may be a bit lost as to where to do so. Unlike customizing your lightsaber or BD-1’s appearance, you don’t customize Cal at a workbench, which may leave a few folks feeling like they’ve missed the option somewhere. Strangely enough, though, it’s easily overlooked right in the main menu!

By opening the main menu and scrolling to the right once, you can easily access customization options for Cal’s appearance. In this menu, you’ll find all of the customization items you’ve found thus far, allowing you to mix and match them all until you find a style that really speaks to you. You can even pick from different colors of each style of clothing. Here’s a list of everything you can customize:

  • Hair
  • Beard
  • Jacket
  • Shirt
  • Pants

Those are all of the steps you need to know to customize your appearance in Star Wars Jedi: Survivor! With so many options at your disposal, it makes sense to revisit this menu fairly regularly, as you’ll almost certainly be stumbling upon tons of new styles as you find more and more chests scattered throughout each biome you visit. Keep trying new things until you find the ultimate Jedi vibe.

10 Things Epic Games MUST Add to Fortnite

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Fortnite is obviously a pretty popular game, no one’s going to argue that. But what can Epic Games do to take the series to the next level? Here are 10 things the company MUST add to the game if they want it to still be around by the end of the year.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa

There’s FAMOUSLY an area in Fortnite called Tilted Tower and yet the MOST FAMOUS Tilted Tower of all time is NOWHERE TO BE SEEN?

Halo: CE Pistol

Pistols have always been kinda trash in Fortnite. They already have Master Chief — how hard could it be to port over ONE gun?

Another Island On Top of the Current Island That’s Upside Down and You Can Travel to It With Magic Floaty Portals

Just think it would be cool

Justin Bieber Skin

What the fuck more does Justin have to do to get in this goddamn game?! Are you kidding me? Have you seen the fucking losers they’ve let in?

Building

Like from Minecraft

5 Player Mode

I just play solos but it’s fun to pretend I could one day have 4 friends at once

Shadow the Hedgehog

It feels deeply fucked up to have grind rails and no Shadow, the hedgehog who famously loves to grind on rails while wielding a gun

A “Just Pickaxes” Mode

Yooo how sick would that be?! You can’t shoot or pick up ANY items, you can ONLY use the pickaxe. Fortnite, if you use my idea all I ask for is credit

Chess

Chess is really having a “moment” right now. I think they should add it to the game Fortnite

Mark Roebuck

Hard Drive Head Writer Mark Roebuck would be a terrific addition to the Fortnite aesthetic.

Newly Discovered Greek Texts Complain of Myth Fatigue

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

ATHENS — Archaeologists working in ancient ruins outside of Athens reported that they have uncovered several engraved tablets and papyrus scrolls, all of which contain weary reactions to the mythology of the time.

“I’m just sick of all these stories about gods and heroes,” said one ancient Greek, identified as Bakchos. “It really says something about the times we live in that all of our myths are so fantastical and childish. Just once, I would like to go to a banquet and hear a poet tell a story for grown-ups. Maybe they could relate a sprawling epic about inner trauma in a modern environment rather than just talking about long-dead warriors killing each other. I wouldn’t mind more myths like the binding of Prometheus, though. That one was more of a political thriller.”

Another tablet written by a contemporary critic named Gregorios echoed those sentiments.

“It has become an epidemic in modern media, extending even to the stage,” wrote Gregorios. “You think you’re watching a mature play with real, human characters. The unfaithful husband, the vengeful wife — these are archetypes we can all relate to. Then, just as the main character murders her own children and is about to be confronted with actual consequences, Helios’ divine chariot swoops down out of nowhere and scoops her up. I wish these playwrights had a little faith in their audience. We can handle — and deserve — complex, real resolutions.”

One scroll offered a contrasting view from an ancient poet named Phemius.

“These people you hear complaining are really just a vocal minority,” said Phemius. “Like all bards, I rely on the muses to guide my tongue, and they know what’s hot. I specifically invoke them to tell a tale that will enthrall the audience, after all. Besides, everyone still loves all of Homer’s stuff, and that’s nothing but gods and heroes. Trust me, as long as we keep putting out myths, the audience will come and listen to them.”

At press time, the archaeologists were working to translate one final tablet, reputedly from the Oracle of Delphi. The inscription appeared to be teasing the announcement of a new phase of Greek myths.

Star Wars Jedi Survivor Release Time & Date Guide

Posted on by Parker Johnson

The newest Star Wars game, Star Wars Jedi Survivor, has its release time just around the corner. Players won’t have to wait much longer to continue the journey started in Fallen Order. Following the continued saga of original character Cal Kestis, Star Wars Jedi Survivor is set to be one of the biggest games of 2023, for Star Wars fans and video game fans alike. If you want to be one of the first ones to experience the story for yourself, read on for details on the Star Wars Jedi: Survivor release time.

Star Wars Jedi: Survivor Release Time: Time Zone Release Map

The Star Wars Jedi: Survivor release time map for worldwide time zones.
Image courtesy of @EAStarWars on Twitter.

TheStar Wars Jedi: Survivor release time is at midnight in the eastern time zone (00:00 EDT), with other time zones getting it at the same time. This means that the game will release earlier in western time zones on April 27 to the west of this, and later on April 28 in eastern time zones. Here’s a few more regional release times:

  • Los Angeles: April 27, 9:00 PM PDT
  • London: April 28, 5:00 AM BST
  • India: April 28, 9:30 AM IST
  • Tokyo: April 28, 1:00 PM JST

Can you preload Jedi Survivor?

Yes, you can now preload Jedi: Survivor! If you have pre-ordered the game on the digital storefronts on PlayStation, Xbox, or PC (Steam or the EA app specifically), you can now pre-load the game to be ready for the game’s release time. Just be aware of the game’s pretty beefy file size, weighing in at over 100 GB, with file size varying a bit depending on your platform. But, if you go through that big download early, you can play right at your region’s release time. Enjoy your time exploring the Star Wars galaxy in this new adventure!

New Study Finds Link Between Hunger and Hallucinating Friend as Giant Ham

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A recent health study from Harvard University found a potential link between hunger and hallucinating your friend as a giant ham. 

“In our control group, those who were fed normally only saw their friend as a human, someone they trust, but fascinatingly, when deprived of food for several hours, our experiment group patients would almost always start to see their friend as a giant, talking cartoon ham,” said Harvard Health Scientist Dr. LeAnn Merlowe. “There were some permutations, some would see their friends as a giant Thanksgiving turkey or hotdog, some of which could talk and some were silent. Even with these variations, it’s amazing to finally confirm this long-debated scientific theory.”

The study’s participants said the experiment was arduous but ultimately rewarding. 

“It was tough, having to slowly go insane from hunger and eventually drooling over the giant chicken leg wearing my best friend’s clothes, but that’s science for you,” said study patient Joseph Brock. “I just hope that in some small way my work in this study can provide medical help for anyone out there struggling with Meat-O-Vision in their daily life. Whether your friend is a steak, drumstick, or stack of pancakes, you are not alone. Put away your bib and cutlery that you materialized from behind you and get some help today.”

At press time, the Harvard Health Foundation announced plans for a follow-up study to determine the scientific connection between hunger and floating through the air toward the beckoning scent of a freshly-baked pie .

Pokémon Learning How to Tie Shoes Forgets How to Walk

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

CANALAVE CITY, Sinnoh — A local Pokémon has forgotten how to walk after its trainer taught it how to tie its own shoes, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“When I caught Mr. Mime, he knew how to eat, walk, breathe, and use the bathroom — all the basics,” said Casey McKean, 10, who has been a Pokémon trainer for less than a year. “I figured it was time for him to get out of those slip-ons and start wearing real shoes. There was no TM for tying laces, so I sat with him all day until he got the hang of it. When he couldn’t get up afterward, I figured he was just too tired from practicing making loop-de-loops. It’s been a couple of days, though, and he still can’t walk. I think he might have forgotten how to do it in order to make room for the double knot.”

Joy, a nurse at the Jubilife City Pokémon Center, lamented the scores of trainers who recklessly teach their Pokémon new skills without considering the consequences.

“Forgetting how to walk isn’t great, but at least it’s not life threatening,” said Joy, whose family has practiced Pokémon medicine for generations. “Even when a Pokémon learns something new and forgets how to eat, we can administer intravenous fluids and nutrients as we figure out what long term therapy strategies might be most appropriate. There are far worse outcomes, though. Just last week, we had a tragic case where a trainer taught her Meowth how to whistle and it forgot how to breathe. By the time she realized what was going on and brought her Pokémon to us, it was too late.”

Professor Kukui, a researcher from Alola and an authority on how Pokémon learn new moves and skills, says that tragedies such as this are entirely avoidable.

“New research out of Paldea has opened the door for Pokémon to instantly relearn old skills,” said Kukui. “That trainer from Sinnoh whose Mr. Mime forgot how to walk could easily re-enable that skill and continue on his journey. The two of them could walk together all day, then the trainer would just have to remind the Pokémon how to sleep right before bedtime. It’s a snap! Woo!”

At press time, sources shared that Casey had followed Kukui’s advice and re-taught Mr. Mime how to walk. The Mr. Mime, however, was completely useless in battle when it started tying its shoes while McKean desperately tried to get it to use Psybeam.

Sega of America Is Unionizing After Revelation That Employees Were Exposed to Lethally Toxic Levels of Sonic Yaoi

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

IRVINE, Calif. — Employees at Sega of America are unionizing following a revelation that they were exposed to a lethal amount of Sonic yaoi, according to those close to the information.

“For too long we have let capitalism rear its ugly head, forcing workers into unsafe situations out of fear of losing their paycheck and being unable to provide for their families. It is time we use the power of labor to fight back and ensure that no one has to see drawings of Tails, pregnant, being hugged from behind by Knuckles,” said union president Davina Hansen. “Obviously, at a workplace like this, we aren’t saying that no one should ever be exposed to, for example, sexy drawings of Big the Cat. There are risks in this line of work. But we will not allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. Shrek isn’t even a Sega character; he does not need to be in love with Shadow the Hedgehog.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the final turning point that helped the workers win the vote needed in order to unionize involved an employee who reached a lethal level of Sonic yaoi due to, allegedly, malicious activity from the company.

“I got home to work one day and immediately triggered the toxicity alarms. So they scrubbed me down and inspected my home, discovering it was filled to the brim with Sonic yaoi,” said Sega of America programmer Karen Smoothgrove. “I ask you this: how did that yaoi get there? I mean we’re talkin’ drawings of Sonic porking Tails everywhere. Stuffed in my mattress, in the walls of the house, all over the bathroom. I’ll tell you what: I think those fuckers planted it there. They knew I was looking to expose them and they wanted me fucking dead. Well it’s time to fight back!”

At press time, several Sega of America employees were hospitalized after googling their name and “the hedgehog” after it.