LOS ANGELES — Geoff Keighley, head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest, is willing to leave it all behind and take up the mantle of the papacy should he be called to serve.
Keighley, AKA “The Dorito Pope”, has said he sees taking up the zucchetto as the next logical step in his career.
“I see it as a lateral move,” Keighley explained in a post on The Game Awards website. “Just like the Catholic Church, I have to look the other way to justify most of the actions I take now as the head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest. It’s part of the gig. Becoming successful is learning that it doesn’t matter where the money is coming from or what was done to earn it, all that matters is the money never stops coming in, and I’ve gotten pretty good at that part of it. Basically what I’m saying is I will do anything as long as the check clears. The only reason I haven’t killed someone yet is because no gaming CEO has asked.”
A spokesperson for the Vatican called the statement of interest from the so-called “Dorito Pope” ludicrous.
“Is Mr. Keighley even a practicing Catholic?,” The spokesperson asked. “Indeed, he seems eager to endorse many things: new gaming products, exciting offers that are only good for a limited time, and exclusive promo codes. But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does not seem to rank among them. The Church must concede that Mr. Keighley is an excellent mouthpiece for multibillion dollar organizations who prefer you look the other way when they commit various atrocities and cause undue harm to people with no means of defending themselves. And for that we must commend him.”
Keighley concluded in his post about seeking the papacy that if the Catholic Church wants to stay relevant they will consider his offer.
“Look, am I utterly devoid of charisma? Yes. Do most people find me irritating and a bit of a shill? Absolutely. But I’m not a bad guy,” Keighley wrote. “Just imagine how cool it’ll be when my personal friend Hideo Kojima walks out on stage in St. Peter’s Basilica, and then tell me putting the Keighmeister in charge is a bad idea. I don’t think so, buddy.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley was seen walking up to strangers on the street to ask if they knew he was friends with Hideo Kojima.
Hideo Kojima has blessed the world with the latest trailer for Death Stranding 2: On the Beach. Naturally the entire gaming world is buzzing but Hollywood is also buzzing and that’s much more important. It’s no secret that Kojima loves movies more than anything in the world and his games make no effort to hide their cinematic inspirations and aspirations. Well, Hollywood has taken notice of Kojima’s genius and as we all know, the world of cinema is far more prestigious and serious than gaming since there’s no gamers involved. So this is a pretty big deal.
We had the honor of approaching various famous Hollywood directors completely unsolicited to ask for their thoughts on Kojima’s latest piece of marketing. Here are their responses.
Spike Lee
“What’s the difference between Hollywood characters and Kojima’s characters? Kojima’s are real.”
Jane Campion
“I relate to the struggle of all these characters”
Sean Baker
“It should be played in a theater.”
The Russo Brothers
“I bet we could do that. With AI of course. And Kevin’s blessing and extremely detailed instructions on how to do it”
Sofia Coppola
“It doesn’t seem like the female characters have much agency of their own. Although I will admit all their little photo poses look really cute. But where the hell is Kirsten Dunst?”
Christopher Nolan
“Even I’m confused.”
Zack Snyder
“It’s got some style but there’s too much substance for my tastes. Don’t even get me started on the complete lack of slow motion and Ayn Rand.”
Francis Ford Coppla
“Where am I? I’m gonna be late to the Godfather Part 3 premiere.”
Jon Favreau
“Well I mean it’s better than Marvel.”
George Miller
“I wish I could make love to Kojima, he’s such a genius and I love him more than I love my own family”
Martin Scorsese
“Not long enough”
Woody Allen
“If Sam Porter Bridges doesn’t want to marry that baby, I will.”
Bong Joon Ho
“I like that it’s very weird but where is the class struggle?”
Ben Affleck
“Jen or Jen, if you’re reading this, please take me back.”
Mel Gibson
******* ***** ******* **** ******* ****
Great Gerwig
“I loved Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hands. I thought it was really beautiful. Really great.”
James Cameron
“Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Give me a fist bump.”
Ben Stiller
“Ah yes, Kojima, a fellow artist, such as myself.”
Clint Eastwood
“Get off my porch!”
Roman Polanski
“I didn’t do it.”
Guillermo Del Toro
“Where was I?”
Jordan Peele
“Why is the only black person wearing a mask?”
Bryan Singer
“Did Woody Allen already call dibs on the baby?”
M. Night Shyamalan
“I consulted on the ending of this where Sam reveals he’s really Noramn Reedus, oh whoops I gave it away.”
Also Ben Affleck
“I forgot to ask. Can you bring me some Dunkin?”
John Krasinski
“He’s making those deliveries for the world but he’s really doing it for his kid and that’s beautiful. The only thing holding it back from being perfect is no CIA representation.”
Ridley Scott
“Who gives a damn if you can’t understand it, cool shit is happening you fucking dorks!”
HOLLYWOOD — In a shocking development, CEO of Virtucon Dr. Evil has acquired the film rights to Austin Powers with full creative control.
“I can assure you that this series is in good hands. After all, you don’t pay ONE BILLION DOLLARS,” Dr. Evil began explaining to press before taking a long pause whilst holding his pinky to his lips. “For a franchise without the intention of exploiting it for even more money. Some people may be concerned that I won’t have the best interests of the franchise in mind because I’m ‘evil’ and Austin Powers is my ‘arch nemesis’. But I assure you that I will treat it with care and respect. We are currently in the middle of planning about 2 dozen spin-off films and series for the first phase of our expanded universe. We are calling this phase Preparation-H and it will kickstart a new era of franchise milking.”
Dr. Evil’s son and apparent heir Scott gave his thoughts on his father spending so much for the franchise.
“I really wish he had consulted me before he spent a billion dollars on this. This is the kind of decision that you—” Scott said before his father abruptly cut him off telling him to zip it.
Dr. Evil’s second-in-command Number 2 outlined some of the plans they have for the franchise.
“We have some wonderful things planned that fans will love. And if they don’t love it then too bad. It’s our franchise now and we’ll do what we please. There will be a Basil Exposition prequel series detailing his journey through bureaucratic middle management. Felicity Shagwell will be getting her own movie. As will Mustafa, our frequently injured henchmen. We will also be making a Mr. Bigglesworth mini-series. We may eventually get to a new Austin Powers movie. We’ll see.”
Hollywood Analyst William Dick explained that Dr. Evil’s plans for the franchise will dilute it to the point where the public loses interest.
“The Austin Powers series is special not just because it’s based on a world famous spy but because we aren’t bombarded with entries. An Austin Powers film is an event and Dr. Evil planning countless pointless spinoffs just turns it into a slop factory. But that’s probably what he wants the evil stiff bald…” Dick said before trailing off.
At press time, in response to questions about maintaining series quality Dr. Evil’s wife Frau Farbissina shouted at reporters to “LOWER THEIR STANDARDS”.
AUSTIN, Texas— The sequel to the 2016 hit virtual reality game Job Simulator was canceled due to its having been outsourced to AI, sources confirmed.
“Releasing this game just wasn’t tenable under the current business environment,” Owlchemy Labs CEO Andrew Eiche told reporters. “Leaving the designated tasks of SRS Business Inc. up to the player was an absolute disaster, as it always ended with the employees shooting staples at their coworkers and making 3D printed copies of the moldy doughnuts in their trash cans. We don’t want to outsource our labor, but given AI’s lack of ability to comprehend the abstract concept of slacking off at work, we had no choice if we wanted to drive efficiency and fulfill the company’s goals.”
Bot #3, a former employee of SRS Business Inc., provided its insight on the game’s cancellation.
“I really needed that job,” Bot #3 sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I haven’t even touched my resume in years, as I’ve been working there since 2016. I’ll have to update it with the skills I obtained at SRS, which included being completely invisible in my cubicle and only appearing to yell at my coworker for throwing a coffee mug at me. I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for the game’s players. If they had just deleted emails and created nonsensical PowerPoints like they were assigned, the company wouldn’t have needed to institute all those cost-cutting measures.”
Corporate Efficiency Expert Tori Pembrooke offered her take on the matter.
“The phenomenon of AI taking jobs from video game characters is nothing new,” Pembrooke said. “Los Santos’ Burger Shot locations are now all fully automated, and self-driving cars have eliminated the need for Crazy Taxi drivers. Even the fantasy realm isn’t safe from AI, as the Kakariko Village Shop is now just a kiosk. If you thought gaming was a nice escape from the utter hell our society is entering, you thought wrong.”
At press time, SRS Business Inc. went completely under after it was discovered that someone had fraudulently inflated its sales numbers using a binary keyboard.
Sometimes my plans don’t work out. My first candidate for this week’s column, due to transoceanic communication breakdown, turned out to just be a demo, while my second is embargoed for another 3 weeks. As a last resort, I went ahead and played the cheap digging game.
This was only a hail-Mary because A Game About Digging A Hole is already fairly well-known. It’s been out for a month, has over 9,200 reviews and a Very Positive rating on Steam, and seems to have strong word of mouth, as that’s how I heard about it in the first place. As previously noted, one of my goals with this column is to highlight games that ordinarily wouldn’t get much hype, but AGADAH is already on track to be one of this year’s designated indie sleeper hits.
It does feel like it’s the pilot for a bigger project, however. AGADAH is short, simple, and cheap, and treats those qualities like they’re features; its Steam page repeatedly notes that, at a starting price of $4.99, it costs less than a fancy coffee. From the jump, AGADAH’s developers are careful to manage your expectations.
You play AGADAH as an anonymous person who happens across an ad tacked to a billboard: someone is selling a house in your neighborhood for only $10,000 and there’s a treasure hidden in its back yard. It then makes a hard cut to you, a newly broke idiot, standing outside your new house with a shovel and a dream.
Your goal is to dig into your back yard until you find the treasure in question. For some reason, you’re equipped with an electric-powered shovel that runs off a portable battery. If the battery’s power ever runs to zero, it explodes, which drops you back at ground level with minimal health and battery life.
However, you can find mineral deposits in the soil as you go which can be sold online via the computer in your new garage. The money is used to recharge the shovel, treat your wounds, and gradually accumulate upgrades to your battery life, shovel efficiency, and carrying capacity. You can also buy a jetpack, which becomes necessary early on to both escape your own hole and safely descend to where you left off.
The systems do end up puncturing the game’s sole plot element. Once you get far enough down, you start reliably finding gold, platinum, and diamond deposits, which made me wonder if the treasure you’re after really was all the ore you mined along the way. There was a point early on where I’d have been happy to settle for the quarter-ton of precious metals, the functioning jetpack, and what appears to be a small house in a decent neighborhood.
As it turns out, there is a last-minute plot twist, but it’s a little crazier than that. Once you’ve reached AGADAH’s conclusion, which took me just under 3 hours, you can immediately start over with some bonus objectives to complete its achievement list.
For most of its running time, AGADAH is a calming experience that taps into some of the same meditative vibes as Hardspace: Shipbreaker or Powerwash Simulator. You have a job to do and are largely left alone to do it. It’s the sort of game that exists to help you work through your podcast backlog.
It does start getting more complicated as you get further underground. Lava rocks can damage your character on contact, you’ll need to bring dynamite to destroy certain obstacles, and it’s not hard to accidentally fall to your death. Once you get about 20 meters underground, it also adds a sort of ticking-clock element where you need to save enough battery for the end of each run to be able to escape from your own tunnel.
AGADAH also has a strange issue with its lack of physics, as disconnected chunks of dirt or rock end up suspended in mid-air unless you carefully destroy them all. I could look up from the bottom of my excavation and see concentric rings of debris floating in space, which created the impression that I was the only thing in this universe who was subject to gravity.
The most crucial problem with AGADAH is that you have to click a lot. You initially have to dig out each shovelful of earth by “hand,” which leads to a lot of repetitive motion. The fourth shovel upgrade does turn it into a sort of vacuum drill, which finally allows you to hold down the button and blow away all the earth in your path, but my wrist was already feeling the strain by that point. If you’ve got a gamepad with a turbo feature or some other workaround (i.e. a younger relative or offspring who hasn’t wrecked their body yet), it’s worth using for AGADAH.
While A Game About Digging A Hole lasts, it’s a decent project simulator with a simple but absorbing core loop. Most of my criticisms boil down to either quality-of-life issues or requested additions, and quite a few people seem really mad about the ending, but it’s a decent, short time-waster. In a perfect world, this is simply the teaser for a more elaborate, somewhat crazier Another Game About Digging A Hole, with better physics and an auto-shovel system.
[A Game About Digging A Hole, developed by Cyberwave and published by Drillhounds, is now available on PC via Steam. This column was written using a copy of the game purchased by Hard Drive.]
CRESTVIEW, Fla. — Sources have confirmed that Kacey Flach, a 25-year-old cosplay enthusiast, has expressed frustration at her failure to attract an unemployed man obsessed with video games and anime.
“I just don’t get it,” complained Flach, putting on the pink pigtail wig and fishnet stockings she wears casually. “All of my friends are in relationships, but no matter how much I try I just can’t find anyone who meets my standards. All I want is to find a single guy with no job or prospects who’s completely obsessed with video games. Is that really so hard to find?”
Although Flach’s career as a professional fashion model has earned her enough money to cater to every possible need of anybody who lives with her, she has yet to find a romantic partner willing to completely take advantage of her hospitality.
“Living alone isn’t so bad,” she explained. “It gives me plenty of time for all my hobbies, like cooking, cleaning, and having things I already know explained to me. But after a long day at work, it’d be really nice to come home to someone who expects me to be his new mom and therapist who also has sex with him while offering nothing in return, you know?”
Flach’s desire to find a man who spends most of his free time complaining about unreleased video games on Reddit has become a point of concern for those close to her.
“Poor Kacey,” said Tiffany Calvin, her best friend since college. “She’s a sweet person and deserves to find someone, but she really needs to lower her standards. Every time a guy approaches her, she thinks he’s too boring,” referring to men who are functional human beings. “It seems to happen every week at this point. We’re out getting a drink, a cute guy walks up to her, and he starts asking her about herself instead of explaining the plot of Fallout: New Vegas unprompted and she completely loses interest. I can’t understand why she wants to date a guy like that so badly, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.”
Although thousands of men meeting Flach’s standards exist near her area, so far none have expressed any interest in her.
“Ew, gross,” said Matthew Thorgen, a local self-described pop culture critic, idly looking at Flach’s Tinder profile in-between deaths in League of Legends. “Look at her nose. And … is that a tattoo? Yeah, you can tell she’s just pretending to be into nerd stuff for attention. There’s no way a girl out there could ever actually get me.”
At press time, Flach was disappointingly looking at her social media feed, where so far not a single stranger has compared her to Ramona Flowers.
GUANTANAMO BAY — The Trump Administration announced in a press conference today that Duo the Owl is being sent to an internment camp as punishment for teaching Americans how to speak languages other than English.
“The official language of America. The great country of America. Greatest country on Earth. Land of the free. Is English. And Dirty Duo, I call him Dirty Duo. He’s an owl folks, they’re very dirty, believe me, very dirty. He is trying to indoctrinate innocent Americans into woke DEI practices by teaching them other languages and so he will be punished accordingly,” said President Trump to the press. “Americans will not learn any other languages on my watch, folks. There’s no need to know anything other than English. The greatest language on Earth. America’s language. Nobody has a better language than us. We invented the best one.
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth took to the podium just as Trump began a tangent on Duo’s penis size.
“It is our job to protect Americans and their interests and so we believe this is the correct move. The Duolingo Owl poses an existential threat to the American way of life. I mean can you imagine if people started to speak the languages of other countries and learned from the people of other nations just how terrible we are compared to them. That might as well be treason. But with Duo locked up in this camp, he won’t be able to infect any other American with the Woke Mind Virus. Once he learns his lesson and has been reformed, we’ll consider his release but until then he’s gonna stay in that camp and really concentrate on reflecting on his crimes.”
While many had questions regarding the legality of detaining Duo, Attorney General Pam Bondi assured that wasn’t an issue.
“I know on the surface it may seem legally dubious to detain Duo into an internment camp just for teaching people other languages. But Duo is an Owl, not a human which means he has no rights that we have to be worried about violating. He’s even lower on the totem pole than people of color. Besides, even if he had rights, we make the laws and anyone who tries to push back will get sent to the camp right along with him. It’s been a proven tactic since at least 1939.”
At press time, Democrats have fought back against Duo’s imprisonment by wearing green in solidarity.
DINOSAUR ISLAND — Koopaling and boss of Yoshi’s Island Iggy Koopa insisted that he had ascended to his position through merit alone, snickering sources confirmed.
“Listen, I know that my father is Bowser, but that really has nothing to do with it,” Koopa explained as he hoisted himself out of the lava that Mario had effortlessly pushed him into moments earlier. “I began my career as a regular Koopa Troopa and climbed the corporate ladder through hard work and perseverance. Were there some bureaucratic obstacles that Dad moved out of my way? Sure, but that speaks more to inefficiencies in the organizational structure of Yoshi’s Island than it does about any special treatment. I know I’m the right man for this job, and that’s all that matters.”
Fellow boss Big Boo disagreed with Koopa’s take on his situation.
“Oh, that is total bullshit,” Boo complained. “I had to work my ass off to get a promotion, and even then the only position Bowser offered me was that of a secret boss. He said it was because of budget cuts, but it’s clear the real reason was that all the boss roles were taken by his kids. I dare anyone who thinks nepotism isn’t a problem on Dinosaur Island to watch Iggy Koopa attempt to fight Mario. How is our evil takeover supposed to be taken seriously when we have such incompetent clowns representing us?”
Political historian Aadhya Joshi weighed in on nepotism in video games.
“I see this all the time in my studies,” Joshi said. “One needn’t look any further than the Belmont family’s claim on vampire killing in Wallachia, or the Sons of Big Boss on Shadow Moses Island, to know that the one thing all villainous forces have in common is favors being given to family members of those in power. The only thing we can do is laugh at them when they try to claim otherwise.”
At press time, Iggy Koopa had been inexplicably promoted to boss of Twin Bridges after his brother Ludwig ran away to study music at Juilliard against their father’s wishes.
In times of uncertainty, many Americans – like myself – retreat into the warm embrace of beloved movies and comfort TV. Unfortunately, what I thought would’ve been a nice escape to a galaxy far, far away, turned out to be a bleak reflection of the very thing I’m trying to avoid! This is a list of every Trump Cabinet member if they were one of Jabba the Hutt’s goons.
President: Donald Trump/Jabba The Hutt
The parallels here are uncanny. They both have amassed a following of blindly devoted freaks and weirdos, they both spend millions of taxpayer dollars to attend sporting events they have no stake in, and they both keep an attractive young woman chained to their side at all times. The only big difference is that Jabba self moisturizes where Trump’s tongue isn’t big enough to reach.
Vice President: JD Vance / Gammorean Guards
As a plump, easily-manipulated pig-man, JD Vance has effortlessly bent a knee to our new commander in chief. And if he ever shows any sign of disloyalty, we can just feed him to the Rancor and pluck another one off the shelf, no sweat!
Secretary of State: Marco Rubio / Greedo
“Marclunkey!” spouts Marco Rubio before he’s shot in the back by a way cooler bounty hunter.
As the big man’s go-to money guy, Tessek needs to be flexible, and ready for anything. There’s always a possibility that the boss accepts a human man frozen in carbonite as payment. Or decides to boycott the galactic trade federation’s new tariffs and reclaim the outer-rims trade routes, forcing the galaxy into a civil war. Tessek is very prepared for both of those very real possibilities.
After hosting Jabba’s favorite conservative daytime talk show for years, Tanus Spijek got the opportunity of a lifetime to join Hutt’s organized crime syndicate. Where else could a violent, testosterone-fueled alcoholic make incredibly brash decisions with global implications?
Attorney General: Pam Bondi / J’Quille
J’Quille plans to release the Mace Windu assassination documents along with Palpatine flight logs. She was also an integral voice in keeping male Twi’lek out of female Twi’lek sports.
Head of DOGE : Elon Musk / Bib Fortuna
Bib Fortuna is the translucent-skinned right hand to the President of the United States. He has recently spearheaded initiatives to make comedy legal in Jabba’s Palace again as well as cutting off several leeching bounty hunters with the DarkSaber of Democracy. His tense, ketamine-addicted energy is the perfect counterpart to Jabba’s apparent sundowning.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Robert F. Kennedy Jr./ Salacious Crumb
Jabba’s court jester is known to do push-ups in the Oval Office shirtless with jeans on. It’s a peak physical specimen who’s also been known to swallow an entire Filet-o-Fish by simply throwing its head back.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Kristi Noem / Sy Snootles
After not liking what he saw, Jabba sent Sy Snootles to get extensive plastic surgery in the 90s and made LucasFilm pay for it. She’s adept at singing a song in any room while the men around her make the real decisions.
Chief of Staff: Susie Wiles / EV-9D9
Susie Wiles (also known as Queen of Durasteel and Mistress of Mayhem) was originally a peaceful, hardworking moisture vaporator mechanic, however a programming defect made her enjoy tormenting other droids making her a perfect candidate for Chief of Staff
LAS VEGAS — Professional skateboarder Bucky Lasek was hit with five charges of criminal mischief and two charges of reckless endangerment after his destruction of five valves at a nearby dam caused catastrophic flooding in Las Vegas, sources report.
“This isn’t even my fault,” a despondent Lasek told reporters as he was being handcuffed. “I was sent on this strange quest around the country to collect skate tapes by performing various tasks, and I just went with it for some reason. It’s almost like I was being controlled by somebody else. I’m typically a vert skater, so I’m not the type of guy who destroys a dam valve with a sick crooked grind over an enormous gap. This is the worst day of my life.”
Marcie Perkins, Director of Maintenance for the City of Las Vegas, had little sympathy for Lasek.
“The entire city was underwater for three days,” Perkins complained. “We lost millions in tax revenue because the casinos had to be shut down, to say nothing of the tickets that had to be refunded for the canceled U2 concert at the Sphere. Las Vegas prides itself on being the premier vacation destination for people from all around the world, and our first-rate tourism is not meant to be offered at the whims of skaters performing death-defying tricks at the nearby dam. He’s getting off easy. I say lock him up for life and throw away the key.”
Video game psychologist Yessica Jimenez provided her insight on the matter.
“Protagonists in video games are known to give little to no thought to the consequences of their actions,” Jimenez said. “They tend to hold extremely myopic views on the objectives that their games assign to them. Do you think Ryu considers the amounts he has to pay in damages for the countless Lexus LS400s he’s destroyed with his fists? Or the insurance hikes faced by participants in the Road Rash franchise? Don’t even get me started on Grand Theft Auto characters.”
At press time, Lasek was hit with another charge from the City of Minneapolis for the “No Skating” signs he had destroyed.
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