WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump decided to reverse all tariffs he had announced earlier this year after he downloaded and played real-time strategy game Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass, sources report.
“I learned a lot about trade from playing this game, maybe the most anyone has ever learned,” Trump told reporters. “While playing as the French in the Feudal Age, I’ve noticed that I can replace my gold return from trade with food. This got me to second-guess these sweeping tariffs. What was I thinking imposing them on places like Central America and Indonesia? Are we suddenly going to start growing bananas and coffee domestically? That’s absurd. I’d like to apologize to the American people and announce that I’m hereby voiding all tariffs, which is probably the greatest decision by any president since my decision to implement them in the first place. I’d also like to thank Age of Empires IV for the important lesson.”
Soybean farmer Henry Bornek reacted to the reversal.
“I mean, it’s great that he finally stopped this nonsense,” Bornek reported. “I just wish he had played that game sooner so it wouldn’t damage our relationships with our trading partners. I was financially devastated from the retaliatory tariffs that predictably came from China after Trump made his announcement, and now I’m going to be in competition with farmers in Brazil going forward as we’re seen as less dependable allies. To say I regret my vote is probably the understatement of the century.”
Political scientist Gemma Dobrinik provided her expertise on the matter.
“You’d be surprised how video games influence presidential decisions,” Dobrinik offered. “Barack Obama got the idea for the Affordable Care Act after seeing how convenient and affordable hospital visits were in Grand Theft Auto, and George W. Bush learned about using the military to end supposed terrorism from Counter-Strike. It’s definitely a mixed bag, so we’re just lucky that our current president was inspired by a video game to do something positive.”
At press time, Trump was weighing whether to halt all space exploration after playing Metroid Dread for Nintendo Switch.
LOS ANGELES — The popularity of Andor has led Lego to add a DLC to Lego Star Wars featuring the show’s many massacres and war crimes rendered with colourful bricks.
“We’re huge fans of Andor,” revealed Thomas Enright, lead developer of Lego Star Wars. “And we knew players would love to immerse themselves in the massacre of the peaceful Ghormans and hear the familiar breaking bricks sound when innocent civilians are murdered in the streets by an out of control fascist regime. Players will control Andor as he makes his way through the massacre, trying to keep his health up as he loses his faith in humanity. Also you can choose to play as Jar Jar Binks.”
Some fans have argued that including the DLC trivializes the events of the Emmy-nominated show.
“It’s genocide, at the end of the day,” said Owen Cook, standing outside of Lego headquarters. “It is disgraceful what’s happening and to not acknowledge what’s happening while making excuses and trying to silence those voices raised against it is offensive. But then to try and smooth it over with a Lego depiction cheapens the plight of the Gazan people. Wait, Star Wars? What are you talking about?”
Tony Gilroy, Oscar-nominated showrunner, welcomes the DLC.
“Whatever, man,” said Gilroy, a self-professed Star Wars newbie. “Once this is done, I’m out. I’ve made the best piece of Star Wars since The Last Jedi, and I’m ready to bounce. Dave Filoni can go back to smashing his action figures together while I go back to making Oscar winning movies. Peace.”
At press time, the Order 66 DLC is delayed as developers struggle to accurately depict the murder of children.
Everyone’s been talking about the second season of Tony Gilroy’s “Andor”, the show which proved once again that something can be related to Star Wars and be good at the same time. But there’s still something missing for all of us true Star Wars fans out there. We don’t care about “dialogue” that “pushes the plot forward” or “causes viewers to think about weighty themes like sacrifice and authoritarianism”. We don’t care about what it took to get the Rebellion to take off, all of the lives on the line in the absence of the Jedi and the boots-on-the-ground missions that built the backbone of resistance against the Galactic Empire. No, for us, Star Wars is about one thing and one thing only: lightsaber duels. We need big colorful lines to go swoosh and fwoom across our TV screens. As such, we’ve decided to make season two of “Andor” much better by digitally adding a lightsaber fight to every single scene.
Let’s give an example: in season two episode two, there’s a tension-filled scene in which Imperial officers and stormtroopers are about to discover Cassian Andor’s friends Bix, Wil and Brasso hiding out on the agricultural planet of Mina-Rau without visas. It’s a timely scene with parallels to real-world events, but it’s also BORING! How sick would it be if all of a sudden, the camera pans over and we discover that Cal Kestis is clashing sabers with the Fifth Brother or something over in a field of grain? Now THAT’S more like it! We added this scene to make everything feel a little more “Star Wars”.
Another lightsaber fight we added happens when Imperial stooge Syril Karn is visiting his mother on Coruscant. Sure, it’s a scene that emphasizes how abusive parenting imprints on future generations, but what if we shift outside the apartment and a lightsaber fight was happening in the lower levels of the planet between Ahsoka Tano and…wait for it…Starkiller himself. This would be an awesome way to make “The Force Unleashed” canon again and completely shake up the universe in a new way. Plus, the way Starkiller holds his sabers in reverse grip is just so freaking badass.
Just to hammer the point home, how ‘bout this: everyone loved the Darth Vader hallway scene in “Rogue One”, which also has Cassian Andor in it. So instead of snoozefest ISB meetings where fascist vultures choose exactly how to scar the galaxy and disrupt lives, we have scenes of Vader on Mustafar just swinging his way through armies of rebel fighters, with no dialogue whatsoever. That’s what this series has always been about!
With these changes and more, “Andor” can finally be great again. Politics of the empire? Imperialism? War? These things don’t really matter in the face of a sick-ass fight with laser swords. Hopefully, more lightsabers will improve your viewing experience of season two!
SILENT HILL — Notorious ghost town Silent Hill contained a fully operational location of popular burger chain restaurant Red Robin, puzzled sources report.
“People tend to be surprised when they come across our establishment,” manager Todd Morgan said. “But I’ll tell you what’s not surprising: the consistent quality and competitive prices they get the second they walk in. This is a place that offers not just a great meal, but a complete experience that goes far beyond thick, juicy burgers and delicious fries. There’s a reason we’ve always got a full house here, and it’s not just because the Happy Burger closed after its owner was devoured by a Lying Figure.”
Silent Hill visitor James Sunderland was not expecting to see an active Red Robin in his journey through the town.
“Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d come upon a Red Robin,” Sunderland admitted. “I’ve got to admit, though, that I was happy that I did. It’s hungry work being plagued by living manifestations of my own guilt as I’m searching for my deceased wife, and it felt really good to relax and order a Jalapeño Heatwave Burger and a Mango Passion Lemonade. I’ve been feeling pretty down ever since this lady Maria I just met was killed by a jacked monster with a huge knife, so this is just the boost I need before I go back out there and get tortured by my own demons again.”
Economist Ernesto Wiggum weighed in on the situation.
“This is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all day,” Wiggum offered. “American corporations are the most craven institutions on the planet, so of course they’re not above opening locations in gutted communities from horror games. Have you not seen the Subway in Raccoon City? Or the Dollar General in the Boston QZ in The Last of Us? Horrifying towns where we’re haunted by bloodthirsty monsters used to at least be a reprieve from the capitalistic hell we all occupy, but unfortunately that’s no longer the case.”
At press time, Red Robin was offering endless fries to all Bubble Head Nurses to thank them for their service.
NEW YORK — In an attempt to synergize their Sunday night programming, the Home Box Office network has greenlit a “Talking Dead” style recap show hosted by Last Week Tonight host, John Oliver, our sources confirm.
“We’re excited to announce the combination of two of our most popular programs,” said HBO CEO Casey Bloys during a The Last of Us season 2 press conference. “We thought, ‘why keep producing original content when we could just squish two already successful things together?’ It just makes sense.”
The new Last of Us post-show taps comedian John Oliver to host a 30-minute info dump on the scientific intricacies of fungal networks, the history of militia in times of revolution, and silly tangents about what a hunk Pedro Pascal is.
“I guess Chris Hardwick was busy, or maybe he got cancelled, I don’t really know,” said Oliver in an interview with Access Hollywood. “I’m just happy I get to sit behind a desk and lecture at the audience, it’s pretty much the only thing I can get hired for nowadays.”
The show’s conception was motivated by an increase of Google and Youtube searches requesting explanations, synopses, and recaps about The Last of Us season one. HBO executives found their audience leaving their platform to seek out information that the video games hide in NPC conversations and collectable artifacts.
“It’s your one-stop-shop for all things The Last of Us,” said the show’s producer Benjamin McNally. “Whether you want to know what CDs Joel has in his glove compartment, or what the backstory of that giraffe is, we’ve got it all on The Last Week Tonight of Us!”
At press time, the show’s set has been revealed to be identical to the Last Week Tonight set with the only differences being the background city skyline is in flames, and the audience is full of clickers.
BALTIMORE — Following a recent patch to “Civilization VII,” Firaxis Games has confirmed that they have disabled all warmonger penalties when playing as Israel.
“We strive for realism,” said Creative Director Ed Beach while interviewed on the street without warning. “Our approach to turn-based strategy games is to reflect every nation’s trademark culture and attributes. For France, you can build the Eiffel Tower. For Israel, you can drop white phosphorus on a hospital without the United States getting mad.”
Designers at Firaxis have reportedly spent months developing the unique units, buildings, civics, and buffs of the Israeli civilization without breaking the game’s meta.
“We had to jump through some hoops on this one, that’s for sure,” said Game Designer Joe Weinhoffer in a candid interrogation. “Israel is unique in our lineup in that it doesn’t follow practically any of the rules, laws, regulations, expectations, morals, or restrictions of our other more modern civilizations. So, we baked that into their core gameplay! For example, their unique unit ‘20-Year-Old IDF Soldier’ is extremely effective against civilians.”
Gamers have unsurprisingly mixed opinions about the update, with many voicing both support and condemnations regarding the controversial civilizations addition.
“I want to start by saying that I am NOT antisemitic,” said clearly antisemitic Civilization player Brianna Fineman. “I just don’t think that it’s cool that people can play as Israel and commit war crimes and stuff. I mean, I know all the civs in this game committed war crimes at some point, but most of those happened a while ago…so that’s fine I guess”
At press time, Firaxis has already announced another patch that will tweak Israel’s ability to break ceasefires without waiting for a cooldown.
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised on Sunday to increase tariffs on all foreign made popcorn buckets that can double as a sex toy.
“The Movie Industry in America is DYING a very fast and flaccid death,” said the President in a long and rambling post on Truth Social over the weekend. “Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our VERY FERTILE men into theaters with silicone popcorn bucket toppers that are TOO SMALL for the average American man.”
The post was sent out on Truth Social only minutes after the President exited a matinee screening of Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune: Part 2.”
“He’s a year late but still demanded all the toys, cardboard cut-outs, and popcorn buckets from the film’s release,” said a White House movie theater attendee who makes slightly less than minimum wage. “He also demanded we complain about the 2024 ‘Biden economy’ and how he’s the reason movies like this won’t succeed anymore.”
Trump’s fixation with the film industry came only days after his remarks at a White House press briefing regarding an expected doll shortage for the spoiled little girls of America.
“It’s difficult for the President to grasp complex socio-political topics, so we break it down to him in terms he can understand,” said the President’s Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “Toys, movies, pencils, sharks, windmills, and tattoos are just a few of the terms President Trump gravitates towards. He’s got a big, beautiful brain capable of so much, we are so lucky.”
The fuckable popcorn bucket industry, which is based primarily in China, welcomed the 100% tariff as it is 145% less than the nationwide tariff promise Trump made just a few weeks earlier.
“The viral sensation of the Dune popcorn bucket is too profitable not to eat this insane price hike,” said AMC CEO Adam Aron. “We come to this place for magic, we come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, and to stick our penises into a buttery pocket pussy sold at the concessions counter.”
At press time, President Trump had commissioned Elon Musk to have Tesla pioneer an American made alternative to the popcorn bucket that can be used in all of his computer cars.
ARLINGTON, Va. — After President Trump cut federal funding to the Public Broadcasting service, CEO Paula Kerger assured fans that she knows how to deal with smug, little assholes after putting up with Caillou’s shit for years.
“If you’ve dealt with one whiny, little bitch, you’ve dealt with them all,” explained Kerger. “They just want attention and will do anything for it. Name-calling, hair-pulling, pinching. No matter how hard it is, you just have to ignore it. But if you can’t or they really get under your skin, you can call their mommy. Or in Trump’s case, call his daddy—Putin.”
Another PBS employee also sounded frustrated at the President’s threats.
“We already have one Caillou who is a complete and total bitch baby! We don’t need another,” yelled Dennis Feldman, senior operator of audience and revenue growth. “Why doesn’t that arrogant, selfish jackass go bother Ms. Rachel or hassle the crew at Nick Jr.? We have enough on our plates trying to deal with that bald, fucking shithead, Caillou.”
While the world watches PBS and Trump go head-to-head, broadcast historian, Bill Grant, explains what this could mean for the future of television.
“On one hand, none of us would have to suffer the agony of listening to loud-mouthed, dickhead Caillou ever again,” said Grant. “But on the other hand, millions of children would never get the education that they so desperately need if they lose PBS. So it’s a tough thing to think about. But the good news for those that are worried, no matter what, one prick is going to lose.”
At present time, neither the Trump or Caillou camp were willing to speak to reporters. The only thing reporters were offered was a loud, fart noise coming from their mouths.
KANTO — A local Magikarp has been fined $15,000 for flopping during its latest playoff match after a recent rule change, sources confirm.
“The Pokemon in question has been warned multiple times during the regular season that this type of exaggerated contact would not be tolerated moving forward,” said Battle Judge Chairman Ira Pickens. “The Magikarp’s trainer appealed the punishment claiming ‘Splash’ is the only move it knows, however, after investigation we have concluded this is not the case and proceeded with our decision.”
This ruling comes after a regular season stricken with Pokemon intentionally falling in an attempt to trick officials into rewarding them with a foul call against their opponent.
“It’s gotten to the point where we can’t even touch them without getting penalized,” said one disgruntled trainer whose Golem was deemed ‘too aggressive’ when battling the fish out of water. “I’m glad they’re finally cracking down on this disgraceful manipulation of the rules.”
While many trainers seem to be happy with this new ruling, fans of professional Pokemon Battles have shown concern regarding the growing control officials now have over the game.
“Back in my day we didn’t have these new-fangled rules for protecting Pokemon, it used to be simple; first one to faint loses,” said longtime Indigo Plateau League fan Carter David. “Trainers these days are too soft, filling their Pokemon up with Rare Candies and coddling them like Nurse Joy.”
While this aggressive fine is currently only limited to postseason battles, the referee committee has stated the rule will be implemented in the regular season starting next year.
“I think it’s a slippery slope, but something had to be done,” said Dragon-type Elite Four member Lance. “The integrity of competition has come into question, if left unchecked, there’d be nothing stopping a trainer from pulling out a gun during a battle and demanding his opponent forfeit.”
At press time, Splash has been added to the ‘banned moves list’ along with one-hit KO move, Guillotine.
A Steam code for Peppered randomly showed up in my email a couple of weeks ago, billing itself as an “existential platformer.” Without looking up anything else about the game, I installed it to find out what the hell that was supposed to mean.
It turned out to be a perfectly apt description. Peppered is a dark comedy about what you decide to do when nothing seems to matter. It’s also a short-run platformer with a branching narrative, where your choices, successes, and failures can change the course of your run.
Peppered is set on an alien world, which used to be ruled by a tyrannical entity known as the God of Death, until it was sealed away by the human visitor Theodore. Since then, no one on the planet has been able to die. If they’re fatally injured, they painlessly reappear at various designated respawn points. Some people use that for their daily commute.
Every year, Theodore returns on the anniversary of his victory to reinforce the seal on the God of Death’s prison. On the 100th annual “Immortality Day,” however, Theodore simply fails to arrive.
You enter the story as an unnamed sheep/goat/rabbit thing of indeterminate gender, who has a boring office job in the heart of the city. As you watch the Immortality Day celebration unravel on TV, you learn that if nobody steps up to take Theodore’s place, the seal will break and the God of Death will escape. Despite that, everyone in the city opts to wait for Theodore instead of taking action themselves.
At this point, you can decide to either let that happen, which ends the game, or set out into the city to fix the prison yourself, since nobody else seems to want to do it. That’s when Peppered really begins.
My first impression of Peppered’s actual gameplay was that it’s an affectionate parody of “kaizo” platformers, like Celeste, Super Meat Boy, or The End is Nigh. It’s created an entire setting by narratively justifying the typical features of the subgenre.
Since no one in Peppered’scity can permanently die, nobody cares about basic safety measures, so entire industrial zones have been made from live wires, open flame, laser grids, and running buzzsaws. In fact, you can only get through certain areas by deliberately killing yourself at the right time or place so you can respawn in the next room.
It’s worth noting that, despite its kaizo influences, Peppered isn’t particularly difficult. On a blind run, I got through the game in about 4 hours, and only (“only”) died about 40 times. I could see it being tricky for new or inexperienced players, but anyone with some platformer chops will get through Peppered in a lazy afternoon.
The real challenge to Peppered comes from its branching narrative, which can dramatically change your path through the game. This includes several obvious decisions, like whether or not to join the antagonists’ team, but also depends on whether you win or lose certain boss fights and special encounters. Either way, you’re only given one chance at any of them, which leads you towards one of 11 possible endings.
I didn’t know that on my first run, so it was a surprise when I screwed up a couple of fights and the game continued anyway. Then I reached Peppered’s halfway point and got to watch as bureaucratic nonsense allowed the God of Death to escape. That changed Peppered’s entire central mechanic, as the game didn’t get any easier, but I no longer had an infinite number of extra lives. That added a new sense of tension to what had previously been a jokey Monty Python sketch of a game, as every stupid death suddenly counted against me.
That adds quite a bit of replay value, as your route through Peppered can change significantly between players and attempts, and it’s difficult to call any of its outcomes a complete success or failure. It’s actually got quite a bit to say across its running time, about life, death, society, imminent disaster, and particularly how and what you choose to value.
Given how Peppered is structured, I do wish it had a level select. While a few of its biggest decisions are made in the first 20 minutes, so you’d need to replay it from scratch to reach certain endings anyway, it’d be nice if I could skip straight to major branch points.
Other than that, I don’t really have any notes. Peppered is accessible, funny, and thoughtful, which are weird descriptors for a game that’s occasionally about throwing yourself into sawblades on purpose. It’s probably not a great introduction to platformers as a genre, since a lot of its best jokes are inside baseball, but it’s the most playable philosophy text ever created. Check it out.
[PEPPERED: an existential platformer, developed & published byMostly Games, is now available on PC and Mac via Steam for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Mostly Games PR representative.]
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