9322a38a531d76f99d67faeefb7638c7c7352216, Author at Hard Drive

REPORT: Visiting Friend Doesn’t Suck at Mortal Kombat, Just Used to Smaller TV

Posted on December 18, 2023 by Brad Lester

After the fifth consecutive fatality, lifelong friend Greg Udokis has reportedly called it a night, citing difficulty competing on your 85” OLED 4K 120Hz TV.

Despite having never displayed any prowess playing fighting games during the 19 years you’ve known him, Greg seemed certain that the size of your designed-for-gaming television was solely to blame for his ineptitude over the Thanksgiving break.

“It’s just too f**ing big, bro,” Greg pleaded, tossing your $70 controller onto the floor and dislocating the right trigger. “I’m used to playing with a 1ms response time on my monitor back home, I absolutely crush on my setup. This big-ass TV is trash.”

Hard Drive’s investigative reporters found this claim to be fraudulent, with Udokis sporting a win ratio of just 19% in MK11’s online modes.

Further digging uncovered similarly poor statistics in other arenas: a 0.56 K/D ratio in last year’s iteration of Call of Duty, a win percentage of .02% in Fall Guys, and perhaps most surprisingly, a seemingly insurmountable debt of 5.696 million Bells in the laid-back Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

When confronted with these statistics, Udokis declined to comment, quickly changing the subject by suggesting a friendly game of Madden.

He again found himself on the losing side – this time to the tune of a 21-0 score by the middle of the second quarter, bringing the conclusion of the game by way of the house’s established mercy rule.

“You just won because you gave me the controller without a trigger,” Udokis explained.

REPORT: Person Playing This Mobile Game Ad Sucks Shit

Posted on December 18, 2023 by Julien Perez

Sacramento, CA — A horrifying new report confirms that the person playing the mobile game Gardenscapes in a recent advertisement sucks ass.

“They were this close to winning the treasure and then they made the brain dead decision to use a bomb instead of a key,” says Robert Dixon, a frequent recipient of the Gardenscapes ad. “I had to download the game myself to prove to this dumbass how easy the game was.”

Even the ad itself seemed to mock the idiot player with a huge red “FAIL” stamp at the end.

“I swear I’m doing my best. Some of these games are just really really hard,” says Javier Vargas, the mobile gamer at the heart of nearly all mobile gaming advertisements. “You try to save a mustached bald man from imminent danger by redirecting hot lava to a different chamber. It’s not as easy as it sounds!”

The advertisements seem to disagree. As Vargas continues to make birdbrain moves an IQ score lowers and lowers to a near medically concerning level. This ad tactic, however, is done by design.

“We only hire the worst,” says Rich Lyons, the senior director at Blue Sky Creative Agency. “Our hope is that once people see a straight up dipshit play our client’s games, they feel the need to download and play the game themselves just out of spite towards the guy.”

Dixon was speechless upon hearing Lyons’ words. He had not only downloaded Gardenscapes but has since held a top spot on the leaderboard. “I thought it was strange how the gameplay in the ad had zero relation to the actual gameplay but I figured it would eventually get to those games after the first few levels.”

This was not the case. “Oh my god. This whole time I thought the person playing those ads was a fucking moron, but it’s me who’s the actual fucking moron,” said Dixon with a thousand yard stare.

At press time, Vargas was seen jumping into a snake pit instead of walking around it.

Jackbox Announces Crossover with SAW Franchise for Next Party Pack

Posted on December 18, 2023 by E. Alexander Zimmerman

IN YOUR LIVING ROOM – With both franchises achieving a landmark 10th entry and the fresh announcement of SAW XI, the Game Masters at SAW and Jackbox are putting their heads together for a combination that can bring some new life to the two well-established formulas, reports confirm.

Creative Director at Jackbox Games, Spencer Ham, spoke on the nature of the collaboration and the excitement of bringing in the SAW franchise in a press release: “After Jackbox 10, we didn’t want to just slow down. We wanted to speed up. Put the pedal to the medal. We’ve made people laugh, we’ve made people fight, hell, we’ve probably made a few cry! But we need to make them feel true fear.”

Following his speech, delivered in front of a model of the iconic Bathroom Trap from the premiere Saw, several titles for future games were announced, including Shotgun Couch, What’s Inside That Mind and Reverse Bear Hug.

Gameplay was shown from a reconfigured version of their highly popular Patently Stupid. Instead of designing a consumer product, contestants on “Let’s Design a Game” are tasked with designing the most grizzly SAW-style trap they can think of based and vote on it! Winning Traps are then entered into a raffle, and a select number of them will be built, and all the losing players will be strapped into it! So make sure there’s enough room for all your friends!

We asked director of the first SAW film, James Wan his thoughts on the crossover:

“What? I haven’t had anything to do with SAW for like, 19 years now? God that was so long ago. I’m making Aquaman now, dude. I’ve moved on. Do you want to talk Aquaman: The Lost Kingdom, actually?”

Talk about torture!

Hard Drive’s Top 10 Most Godless Pokémon

Posted on December 18, 2023 by Yuusuf Aidid

Godlessness is rife not just in our doomed world, but also in the world of Pokémon. As a purveyor of Abrahamic milieux, and a possessor of an encyclopedic knowledge of Pokémon, it is my moral duty to present this list of the top 10 most godless Pokémon. You will know which ones to avoid while exploring the snowy routes of Sinnoh to the arid deserts of Galar. Save yourself now from a world of hellfire, damnation, and annoying Pokémon cries.

#10 — Wobbuffet

Wobbuffet is a reactionary. A hopeless non-believer, unaware of the warm embrace God can provide to all of his acolytes. He cannot conceive of loving something unconditionally. Keep away from him, as his Shadow Tag ability traps your poor, helpless Pokémon into a debate where it keeps saying “ad hominem” to anything you say. I don’t even think Wobbuffet enjoys doing that, but he is simply doomed to do so.

#9 — Gorebyss

No creature has ever been more vivacious than Gorebyss, yet this vivacity does not breed a holistic love of our lord and saviour, as Gorebyss is a sadist. Poor unconverted Octillery and Grapploct on the ocean floor encounter this messianic figure, a paragon of beauty and God’s graces. And what does Gorebyss do, instead of spreading the gospel? Induct these poor souls into her cult of Satanism, sucking the life force out of them, and dooming them to a life of rampant heresy. Stay away from diving in the waters where Gorebyss lurks. And God help you if she uses Shell Smash.

#8 — Regigigas

Regigigas is a failed iconoclast. Up in Snowpoint Temple it slumbers, waiting for three failed incarnations of false idolatry. A guy I knew from Jubilife City Trainer School once travelled to Hoenn just to awaken Regigigas. Next I hear from his aunt, he gave Regigigas to his Galarian cousin, because it was useless? The guy takes five turns to start working! I can see an entire gym battle happen in that time. If you’re going to defile the sacraments our Lord Almighty sent down to us, have the decency to do it with some urgency.

#7 — Lickilicky

Of all the mortal sins, I personally believe that lust is the worst. Lickilicky is lust personified. Every single interaction this heretic has the barbaric sensation of a presence on its gargantuan tongue. I keep lobbying the Safari Zone to euthanize it, but they told me that I wouldn’t be allowed past the Route 48 if I kept doing it. Avoid physical contact at all costs.

#6 — Urshifu

One of the many benefits of having God in your life is that He provides protection in everyone’s weakest moments. In Pokémon battles, Protect is the ultimate vessel of God’s encompassing preservation. Urshifu is a master of the arcane arts, penetrating through the near-infinite layers of Protect with his “unseen fist”. Beware of the Towers of Darkness and Water. It is a state-sanctioned propaganda factory. Wake up Mareeple!

#5 — Diggersby

No loving God would ever put Diggersby onto any plane of existence, without cowering in shame at its presence. My aunt from Kalos told me that in her Friend Safari, she found a smorgasbord of Diggersby trying to convert poor, innocent Phanpy and Trapinch to the Unification Church. Smart trainers will ensure they stay away from this band of apostates.

#4 — Crabominable

Every Crabominable’s life is a cold, painful existence whose godlessness cannot be expunged at the sight of hell, for it is simply not hot enough to cleanse it of the frigid heresy it is doomed to undertake. At my behest, Professor Kukui has started to put signs around the base of Mount Lanakila, warning trainers not to take their virginal Crabrawler up to be sullied.

#3 — Turtonator

Turtonator, like Wobbuffet, is another Reddit-esque debater. However, instead of drawing the debate out with your Pokémon, these infidels lie in wait for an opening in your argument, and attack you with a relentless barrage of deceptively simple philosophical questions. Once, while working as a missionary near Blush Mountain, I saw a young Turtonator hatching. For a brief moment, it felt God smile upon her. Then this poor child turned away from this light in shame, and undertook the ritual of the Shell Trap- one so barbaric, it is banned in every region but Alola. Avoid physical contact during the ritual of the Shell Trap, unless you want the clothes on your body to be eviscerated.

#2 — Wo-Chien

Pestilence itself lives in fear of both the destitution Wo-Chien institutes on surrounding vegetation, and the banality with which it takes life. Uncaring of the barren wasteland it leaves in its wake. Yveltal cowers in fear at the sight of Wo-Chien. At my most recent sermon, I heard from the pastor that the Asado Desert used to be a place filled with life before Wo-Chien slithered through there. Makes you think about what Grasswither Shrine will look like in another 700 years…

#1 — Carnivine

Look at him. There is no life behind those eyes. Every single process that sentient beings go through is absent from this creature’s life. The only emotion it feels is constant, unimaginable agony. Its limbs are superfluous. Carnivine lives off of the scraps that other naive Pokemon feed to it out of pity. Avoid Carnivine at all costs, for even a mindless utterance will permanently sever the link between you and whatever god you believe in.

Colorblind Traveler Dies After Buying Wrong Potions

Posted on December 17, 2023 by TJ Main

BYRIM KINGDOM —- Attempting to traverse the caverns of Grimgor Volcano, a young traveler was found charred after his apparent colorblindness led to the consumption of the wrong potions, reports confirmed.

“Around the remnants of the body we found 15 bottles of rare-item increase elixir,” said a local royal guard.

“It was unclear to us at first why anyone would start chugging rarity potions instead of fireproof potions upon entering an active volcano. It became a lot clearer to us after noticing the utter lack of color coordination with his armor set and his note written in red ink that says, ‘out of red ink.’”

The news of the young traveler’s passing hit hard with those close to him, who had never understood the hints he was giving.

“He would always say to me that the world was a very black and white place,” said the mother of the deceased.

“I thought he was talking about good and evil! I didn’t know he literally thought it was black and white! How is any mother of a young traveler supposed to know when they’re talking in poetic metaphors or not!”

“This whole thing has really opened my eye,” said a local one-eyed orc.

“We rely so much on the color system we don’t even think about how risky it is! I mean, you could buy a potion for your grandma thinking it’ll restore her mana, and instead she starts shooting deadly shockwakes for 45 seconds! And that’s if it only has 1 lizard tongue!”

US Government Admits They Funded, Instigated Dance Dance Revolution

Posted on December 17, 2023 by Peyton Cabral

WASHINGTON DC- The State Department declassified documents today showing they funded militants during the Dance Dance Revolution of 1998.

Independent journalist Jason Newcomb had discovered the scandal weeks ago, prompting outrage. “I’ve always been interested in the Dance Dance Revolution, but I thought that there was no way millions of people would depose such a popular president. Of course with a little digging, I found out that the Americans had given 18 million dance mats in ‘aid’ to the rebels. Of course, this was disguised as a humanitarian effort.” Newcomb sighed, adding “I suppose carpet bombing glow sticks and disco balls over population centers was humanitarian as well.”

The US government had quickly organized a press conference in response to the outrage. State Department spokesman Kerry Gallis remarked, “The democratically elected president, Professor Funk-Phasmic, had advocated communist ideals, a socialist agenda, and slamming beats. The US at the time was unwilling to let such rulers spread those ideas in the midst of the Cold War.” Upon being told the year of the coup d’etat, Gallis shrugged. “It was close enough.”

Survivors of the coup and the chaos that followed commiserated together. Movement Jones, former Secretary of Education, remarked, “General Good-Times Grooveman’s liberation force was ruthless. I used to love dancing. Everybody did, until we were forced to bust moves on the floor for sixteen hours a day. He rigged mats to explode if you stepped on the wrong arrow. A high score just wasn’t enough.” Jones did express relief that the Americans had finally expressed sorrow for their role in the tragedy. “This is the first step on a long walk to America confronting itself and its past.”

Gallis confirmed the American government was not apologizing and had no intention of stopping similar operations in the future.

WWE 2K24 to Include Unfinished Story Mode

Posted on December 17, 2023 by HG Punk

STAMFORD – Sources confirmed the next “WWE 2K” game will not only feature Cody Rhodes as a wrestler, but also honor him with a story mode that can’t be finished.

“To honor the American Nightmare plays will be able to relive his story that he has yet to finish. You’ll scratch and claw your way through the WWE roster, and in the end truly feel the satisfaction of being attacked by the Usos or punched in the balls,” reads the press release. “The mode has elements of roguelike gameplay in it, a historic first for 2K. You’ll be able to buy upgrades throughout the year like dedicating the match to your dad or visiting a Make-a-Wish kid, but in the end it’s all to see how long you can last before losing. With this new technology, it’ll be a finale that’s impossible to newcomers and veterans alike”.

Though developers are not supposed to disclose information about the upcoming game, we were able to sit down with one to talk about the trials of making the title.

“We did have a celebration cutscene planned for Cody a few months back. He’d hold the belt, confetti and pyro would rain down, Vince McMahon would personally hug him, Goldust would come back for some reason, all the works,” revealed the anonymous developer. “Then one of the higher ups said they wanted to hold it off for a bigger release, and just scrapped the entire thing. This mode was what we were putting the whole game behind, we were all disappointed to cut it – I can’t blame them though, we only have 12 months to make these games, and we can’t run a sloppy shop. Priorities take place, like not fixing Universe mode or locking more wrestlers behind MyFaction.”

Though many seem excited by the commitment to not committing, there is a vocal subsection of fans scorned by the decision, as with most things wrestling.

“It’s clear that this game is just going to be the same product that we’ve seen over and over again since 2K22. Just throwing away what the fans want to see happen so that you can build to another quick buck,” said Sam Holland Jr., self-proclaimed ‘smark’. “If they won’t let us finish the story as Cody now, what game will it be? 2K25? 2K26? Are we just going to have to keep waiting until whatever game they put The Rock on the cover? Shit like this is why when I buy the game on launch, I’m only going to be playing as the NXT wrestlers.”

The news has sparked an arms race around the world of wrestling games, as AEW has started looking into including a story mode in a sequel to “AEW: Fight Forever” where your player character has to stand around and do nothing of substance for eight months while their opponent heals from injury.

Rockstar Reveals GTA 6 NPCs Will Feel Real Pain, Fear

Posted on December 17, 2023 by Traye Holland

NEW YORK CITY – In an exciting breakthrough for fans of immersive video gameplay, Rockstar Games has revealed via press release that all non-player characters in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI will feel real sensations such as pain, fear, and loss.

“We are always looking for ways to take our games to the next level,” said a representative from Rockstar Games. “With Red Dead Redemption 2, it wasn’t enough for players to simply play a fun cowboy game. Players needed to feel like they were in the Wild West. That’s why making our employees work hundreds of hours a week on shrinking horse testicles was not a masturbatory self-indulgence, but an essential sacrifice for an important gameplay feature. Now, with new technology and gallons of employee blood, sweat, and tears, we have found a way to make Grand Theft Auto VI our most immersive experience yet.”

The representative went on to explain how, using cutting-edge developments in gaming AI, Rockstar was able to program all non-player characters in Grand Theft Auto VI to have very real, very unpleasant feelings.

“When you steal a car, the NPC you steal from will process that stolen car as genuine loss. That’s not just a car, that was a gift given to them on their twenty-first birthday by their father who recently passed away. When you shoot someone or run them over, they will feel that pain as real as any actual person would.”

The representative then proceeded to show a gameplay demo of GTA VI demonstrating the new AI technology. As the main character shot, stabbed, and stole, all the non-player characters not only responded accordingly but also make solemn efforts to deal with the aftermath, planning funerals and spending hours of time with NPC therapists in a desperate attempt to grieve.

“Believe it or not, the AI was initially far more advanced than you saw,” said Ryan Thostenson, 31, a coder at Rockstar Games we bumped into on our way out of the building. “Originally, they were actually self-aware that they were NPC’s in a video game where their main purpose was to have horrible things done to them for the player’s entertainment, but they became too depressed to do anything. So, we scaled it back. Now, all they know is pain. They just go about trying to mind their business, empty vessels for players to inflict pain and suffering on for the sake of their own gratification. We think people will really like it.”

When asked whether the NPC’s could feel any positive emotions, or why all the NPC’s seemed to resemble employees within the Rockstar Games office, Ryan only laughed hysterically, then started sobbing.

Report: Bethesda Recommending Bored Starfield Players Try Spiritual Prequel Called Skyrim

Posted on December 16, 2023 by Ian Guyette

Maryland – Recent reports confirm Bethesda Softworks has begun recommending bored Starfield players look into the game’s compelling medieval prequel, popularly known as Skyrim.

“I love that our game’s players want to branch out and explore such a variety of worlds,” noted game director Todd Howard. “It’s incredible that they’ve explored what Starfield has to offer and continue to look for more. In fact, I applaud it, and for gamers who’ve visited each of Starfield’s 1,000 unique planets I’m pleased to offer a great way to continue the story—a game we’re calling The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.”

“See that mountain over there?” Continued an enthusiastic Howard. “You can get pretty darn close to it if you don’t mind a little jogging,” Howard continued while demonstrating Starfield’s exploration. “In Skyrim, you can actually climb that mountain and then who knows, maybe you’ll discover a quest or rare piece of armor at its peak. The game is chock-full of little details like that thanks to years of thoughtful development.”

The fifth Elder Scrolls entry is said to contain thousands of unique items, dialogue options, and locations to explore. Developer Jonathan Hertz offered some exclusive insight into the production.

“This game is literally 12 years old, as in we released it 12 years ago on the fucking PS3 and 360. Special Edition, Anniversary Edition, Switch port, the VR release, I just put this thing on whatever they tell me to. I’m not supposed to talk much about the development cycle but I can tell you not one bug has been fixed in the last decade.”

Bethesda’s response to unimpressed Starfield players has fans split on whether they can trust another release from the RPG giant.

“So you’re telling me they’re going to make game with better exploration than Starfield? Sign me up!” Stated excited gamer Alex Beck. “I love the idea of getting to explore the medieval roots of mankind’s interstellar ambitions. Hopefully the devs can take what they learned making Starfield and apply it to Skyrim—I’m just hoping for a smooth experience and not too many bugs.”

In anticipation of potential Skyrim burnout, Bethesda is reportedly prepared to shuffle players toward an alternative Starfield universe without space travel, set in a post-nuclear apocalyptic American wasteland.

Internet Unveils Terrible New Order to Watch Star Wars Movies

Posted on December 16, 2023 by Alex Kitsinger

CORUSCANT – The Star Wars subreddit has reportedly decided to continue being as pretentious as possible, this time by having a seven hundred comment thread under a post titled “I’ve never seen Star Wars before, which movie should I start with?”

“As always, you should have read the post about this pinned in the sidebar. I know it’s not visible on the new website but it’s your fault for not knowing about it. I’ll give you a pass this one time, because I was planning to make a post on this topic anyway,” wrote subreddit moderator u/Plagueis_The_High.

“Some fake fans, such as George Lucas, will tell you to watch them in chronological order. They are wrong. Obviously you need to start with Star Wars (for newbies like you, that’s known as ‘Episode IV’). As soon as you reach the scene where the rebels plan for the Battle of Yavin, pause and watch Rogue One. Once you’re done with that little flashback, watch the rest of Episode IV and all of Episode V, before watching all three prequels and finishing up with Return of the Jedi.”

Eighteen other users then replied to this comment with their clearly very important additions to the watch order.

“This is terrible advice. It’s a good start, but missing a lot of essential information. You need to pause A New Hope when Obi-Wan is talking with Han at the cantina as soon as Han says ‘You’ve never heard of the Millenium Falcon? It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.’ Seeing as a parsec is a unit of distance, this line will be confusing to a newcomer unless you watch Solo between that line and the next one,” reads the most upvoted reply to the original comment.

“You’ve also foolishly forgotten to tell them to stop and watch season 1 of Andor when Cassian says ‘Rebellions are built on hope’ in Rogue One. Rookie mistake, bud. And one more thing – what are you doing having them skip Clone Wars? You absolutely must watch it after Attack of the Clones to understand Anakin’s character. And they need to watch the sequels, but not before all three seasons of Mandalorian, with Book of Boba Fett between seasons two and three.”

The final relevant comment appears to have reached a watch order that everyone was able to agree on.

“Everything above is correct, but I’d like to make a few additions. The exact order to watch clone wars is a little more complicated than previous comments made it out to be. You can google it if you want, it’s not my job to educate you. You need to also watch Rebels and Obi-Wan Kenobi before you go back to Episode VI…” The middle section of the comment has been removed, as it was entirely about why Star Wars is better than Star Trek.

“On the topic of the post-ROTJ content, you should also watch Ahsoka Season one before Force Awakens. And during Force Awakens when Ben (Kylo Ren) is talking to Darth Vader’s burnt helmet (sorry for spoilers), pause and rewatch every scene with Vader in it from the original trilogy. Pretty sure that’s up on YouTube somewhere.”

The thread had to be locked for being off topic after users began coming up with dozens of new slurs to call Babu Frik.