HYRULE — Ganondorf recently invited all of his top dungeon bosses and their spouses together for their annual key party, sources have confirmed.
“I look forward to this every year. All my favorite temple bosses will be arriving with their respective partners” Ganondorf exclaimed. “My bowl for all the keys is ready as well as the treasure sound effect to trigger every time someone pulls one out. I hang golden Skulltulas on the wall, it’s the whole reason I wanted this castle.”
In addition to the locals, each year Ganondorf also invites dungeon bosses from Termina, Lorule, and the Twilight Realm, though it is unspecified which ones would be coming due to a confusing timeline of when each exists.
“I’ll be bringing a big Octo who used to live inside Jabu-Jabu’s Belly. Volvagia will be bringing their partner the Flare Dancer, Bongo Bongo of course will be bringing Dead Hand, and Phantom Ganon will be bringing one of the Poe Sisters, but at this point it’s too late to ask which one it is,” said Morpha, the boss of the Water Temple. “It’s fun, but has its problems. Like Ganondorf himself doesn’t participate. Instead he just plays the organ while we all hook up. Also all the keys all look the same so it’s hard to figure out who gets with who. At least Ganondorf does not invite Twinrova anymore. That was just creepy.”
Impa, the former bodyguard and nursemaid at Hyrule castle, had their opinion.
“I’m just glad he destroyed the old castle instead of having these parties in there,” said Impa. “I’m open minded, but the less I picture with those creatures the better. Those Golden Gauntlets I placed in the castle for the Hero of Time aren’t to make him stronger, you know. They’re just the closest thing to gloves I have to keep him from touching anything gross.”
As of press time, an upside down Hyoi fruit on the castle door seems to indicate that Ganondorf’s latest swingers party has started. ReDeads have already begun sticking their heads in the windows to get what’s become known in Hyrule as a “creep peep.”
