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Government Expected to Issue Second Stimulus Check to Help Americans Pay for $70 PS5 Games

WASHINGTON — The United States government is expected to announce a second relief package soon, one that will reportedly include provisions for the upcoming $70 price point that has been rumored for the games available for the new video game consoles set to release at the end of the year. 

“The American people have been through enough in 2020,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “We need to get them the help they need, to feed their families, pay their bills, and check out some PlayStation 5 games to see if a new console generation is really necessary or merely a byproduct of our cyclical consumerist culture. It’s important we band together and help Joe Gamer out, in this total bummer of a Q3.”

Many critics of the package claim that while it will help the middle and low class gamers struggling to keep their Game Pass accounts active and their children in new Fortnite skins, it offers lopsided incentives to the privileged and wealthy.

“Look, I will totally take some help with buying new games,” said Andre Gibbs, a gamer who was concerned with the latest relief package. “Hell, I appreciate the help even. But, forgive me if I’m less than ecstatic about picking up Valhalla at the end of the year when every big corporation is getting trucks full of PS5s and XBOX Series X’s shipped right to them. Seems a little disproportionate.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell stressed that this latest stimulus check shouldn’t go to every American, but merely the ones in a position to buy a new system at the end of the year. 

“This is some extra cash to check out FIFA or NBA and see if it’s worth it,” he said. “Not another government handout for you to run out to the dope store and buy vaporizers. There is no need to help subsidize the broke ass gamers who are still playing CoD on their PS3s. They ought to take a lesson from the soldiers in that title and pull themselves up by the bootstraps if they want to get ahead in this world.” 

McConnell concluded the appearance by once again denying claims that Kentucky received more copies of Animal Crossing: New Horizons from the government than any other state as part of the first coronavirus relief package.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

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