High Person Looking at Wrong Square in Mario Kart Amazed to Be Killing Rainbow Road for the First Time

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

MIAMI, Fla. — A very high person playing Mario Kart is reportedly thrilled to be winning Rainbow Road and unaware they are, in fact, looking at someone else’s square.

“This is amazing, man,” remarked Samantha Marti. “I’ve never been able to play any Rainbow Road without falling off like 30 times. Usually I beg the guys not to pick any cups with one. And I can never win tournaments because it’s my weak spot. But I must just really be in the zone right now. I bet the weed is enhancing my senses and abilities. I’m like a cat in the night. That can drive a sneaker. Wait, I thought I picked the Benz.”

Dallas Smith, Samantha’s friend and Mario Kart competitor, shed some light on the ongoing incident.

“Yeah, she’s looking at the wrong square,” said Smith. “We had homemade brownies and she’s super fucked up. Her Yoshi has been carried by Lakitu for like 95% of the game. I’m the one winning but I don’t have the heart to tell her. She actually suggested we bet on the outcome, but I think I can trick her with a Five Guys receipt I found in my pocket so I don’t have to break the illusion or give up any cash.”

A lead expert on Karting under the influence, Jayme Krause, was able to expand upon how common this issue is.

“I’ve been studying the issue of Karting under the influence for my entire professional career, and studies consistently show that a staggering 75% of stoned players look at the wrong square for at least one lap,” said Krause. “In this instance, the driver sounds blissfully unaware, but it can often cause confusion and be a real bummer. It’s actually the second largest issue caused by operating motor vehicles under the influence. I’m trying to get a grant approved to even better understand the issue, but for some reason I keep getting beat out by drunk driving deaths.”

Sources report that after the group finished with Mario Kart, they played Beatles Rock Band and were grooving so hard to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds they scored a 2%.

How to Sound Like You’ve Played the Game You’re Writing a Guide For

Posted on by Amir Adan

Are you an overworked games journalist running up against unrealistic deadlines and multiple releases? Do you find yourself not even able to find time to boot up one game before the next one is already on your desk? We get that you’re busy and just want to get back to Slay the Spire instead of dealing with this bullshit, which is why we’ve created this helpful guide so you can sound like a subject matter expert on any game, no matter how short the time you’ve been given is!

Write An In-Depth Intro To The Game

The intro is your first impression, so don’t mess it up! Let’s be honest: few people will be reading your guide all the way through. If you nail the intro and get the rest to look okay at a glance, you’re golden.

Right off the bat, you can take a look at the photos on the product page—do they remind you of anything? If so, call the game a “love letter” to that thing! This is always a really solid start and evokes warm feelings in the reader. We know that we want a love letter, that’s for sure!

Another safe bet is to insist that the game is best enjoyed in 4K or in “nightmare mode.” The game you’re writing a guide for surely has that difficulty setting, and mentioning how fun it is doesn’t only make you sound like you’ve played the game, but also like you’ve mastered it.

The longer the intro is, the better! Really drag this out. After your guide hits a certain length, people will have no doubt you’ve played the game. And who the fuck would spend so much time writing a guide for a game they haven’t played, right?

Write About The Controls And Mechanics

After you smash the intro (great job, by the way), you now get to give an overview of the controls. Honestly? This part is a cakewalk. Pop on the game (If you have it! If you don’t, just guess), and check out the controls in the settings. Think back to other games you’ve played and try to remember their controls—anything look familiar?

For example, does holding down on the D-Pad bring up the phone UI? Could we maybe then say the controls are reminiscent of Cyberpunk 2077? Does the Left Mouse Button shoot your weapon? That sounds a lot like a bunch of games we could name! The possibilities here are endless. Remember, the more you can evoke the image of other games, the less of the heavy lifting you need to do. Let the audience do the work!

Write The Walkthrough—Or Do You?

Alright, this is where shit gets kinda real. The walkthrough is the part you’re probably panicking about the most, but don’t fret! With one easy trick, you can transform what you feel is your biggest hurdle into your biggest asset in this process: Make your guide spoiler-free.

Plenty of folks are looking for spoiler-free gaming content, so if you loudly boast that you’re offering it up, the people will eat it up. And honestly? You could also tack on the fact that you’re not doing a character or item guide to avoid spoilers too! In one move, you’ve sidestepped the part of this process you were dreading the most—congrats!

Imagine all the grueling research and gameplay you’d have to do to write an entire walkthrough! Okay, now stop imagining because those imaginations have spoilers. See how easy it is?

Tips and Tricks

Do you wanna flesh out your guide some more? Add a section containing tips and tricks! You’ve played video games before, so you’ve basically got this part on lock.

Does the game have an inventory system? We bet you can write a paragraph about the crucial nature of inventory management. Wanna build some excitement and intrigue? Mention that with some searching, you can find some amazing secret items—remember, though, no spoilers 😉

To be honest, you can seriously just drop tips from another game here, too. Here’s what we mean:

  • Wear headphones
  • Don’t hoard resources
  • Target weak points for more damage
  • Manage your inventory carefully
  • Don’t forget to upgrade your weapons

What game we’re talking about here? These are tips we found online for Red Dead Redemption 2. Could you tell?

Ha! Think again. Those tips were actually for Alan Wake 2! We think you get the picture.

Don’t Forget The Basics!

You need to pad this thing out—that’s the only way you’re getting paid for sure, so give the people what you know they want! For example, you need to mention that the game REALLY opens up and comes into its own several hours in.

Any boss fights? They’re “epic”. A weather system? It’s “dynamic”. Does it have cut scenes? Sounds “cinematic” to us. Is it physically possible to play the game more than once? Sounds “replayable”! Throughout this process, don’t forget the basics and always circle back to the tried and true hallmarks of game guides.

Remember, confidence is key. If you speak with authority, nobody will doubt that you haven’t played the game. Like, seriously, who would do something like this?? It would be an insane thing for someone to assume, so don’t worry too much. Just remember to have fun and be vague.

“I Brought Some Board Games, if Anyone Feels Like Playing,” States Friend for the Fourth Time

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Board game enthusiast and reluctant partygoer Erik Hicks interrupted an ongoing conversation at a social gathering to reiterate that he brought some choice selections of his board game collection, just in case anyone was interested in playing, annoyed attendees reported.

“The music was kind of loud and people were talking so I wasn’t sure if anyone heard me the first few times that I told them that I had brought a bunch of games,” Hicks stated while moving snacks and drinks out of the way to make room for Terra Mystica. “I brought some pretty easy games to play that I think everyone will get the hang of like Scythe, Agricola, Oath, and Twilight Imperium. You know, just in case anyone wants to play.”

The host and other partygoers had tried their best to be polite to Hicks without getting involved in a board game.

“Erik is a good guy but I don’t think he understands that some people don’t want to spend most of their Friday night learning how to become the most powerful cheese magnate in Victorian London or some shit,” party host Natalie Castro said. “Every time I invite him over he says that he’ll bring some games and I try to politely tell him he doesn’t have too. He always says it’s no problem. I don’t think he understands I am begging him not to but nevertheless he’ll show up with some game about steampunk mice or whatever.”

Sociologist Dr. Laura Harrington explains that this is a common trait among the board game community. 

“Many in the board game community lack some of the core social skills necessary to survive a party situation, like the ability to execute small talk or enjoy a comfortable silence so they instinctively try to rope their friends and loved ones into a board game about collecting gems on Mars,” Dr. Harrington said. “These poor souls cannot seem to fathom that not everyone would jump at the chance to spend six-hours playing a game about running a button factory. I recommend that you be blunt with them or they will never take the hint.”

When reached for an update, Hicks had finally finished setting up the game at 1 a.m. just in time for everyone to leave.

Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game (2024 Edition)

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Last year, we took a peek at the favorite video games of every NFL quarterback. You might think that not much can change in a year, but you’d be wrong. So much has changed. We took the time and effort to check back in with every starting QB in the league and see what they’re playing this year. This isn’t some lazy Madden release where we only tweak the interface a little bit and charge you full price, either. It’s a completely new experience. Check it out.

Arizona Cardinals — Kyler Murray: Unknown

You might think this one would be obvious, but I’m a journalist, so I had to hear it from a primary source. When I asked Murray what his favorite game was, a swarm of Cardinals staff materialized around me and escorted me off of team property. I am no longer welcome at State Farm Stadium.

Atlanta Falcons — Kirk Cousins: Stormgate

We learned last year that Cousins was big into Starcraft II, but that’s no longer the case. Apparently, he switched to Stormgate after the developers assured him that it would be the RTS of the future and that he would be playing it for years to come.

Baltimore Ravens — Lamar Jackson: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Underappreciated when it debuted due to its unconventional style, time has shown The Wind Waker to be one of the best games in the series. Still, it occasionally makes inexplicable decisions (Eight Triforce Charts? Come on, man!) that can somewhat sour the experience.

Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen: Valorant

Valorant is a fine hero shooter. It does a lot of things really well. If you had been playing a lot of mediocre games right before trying it, I’m sure it would feel like a breath of fresh air. But I think NFL players were correct when they voted it the most overrated game of 2020.

Carolina Panthers — Bryce Young: No Man’s Sky

After a disastrous rookie season, Young is trying to re-center himself by playing a game that also got off to a rough start. He says it made him realize that one day, with lots of hard work, he might be, “pretty good if you can get it on sale,” too.

Chicago Bears — Caleb Williams: Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 Full Burst

Are you really surprised? Look at this guy. He’s definitely been up until 3 o’clock in the morning looking for a pirate site that has a good fansub.

Cincinnati Bengals — Joe Burrow: Super Mario RPG

You really think he hurt his wrist last year? Get real. He needed time to do a full playthrough of the SNES original, then the remake with the updated soundtrack, then the remake again with the original soundtrack. Bengals fans should be worried about reinjury when Mario & Luigi: Brothership releases in November.

Cleveland Browns — Deshaun Watson: Star Citizen

While he says he’s never played the game, Watson notes that he can’t help but, “respect the grift.”

Dallas Cowboys — Dak Prescott: RoboCop: Rogue City

Prescott will passionately discuss Robocop: Rogue City at any opportunity. He’ll go on and on about how it was one of the best games of 2023, and yet no one really talks about it. His eyes kind of glaze over into a thousand-yard-stare the longer he talks about it.

Denver Broncos — Bo Nix: Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015

Nix noted that coach Sean Payton had introduced him to the game, and subsequently “encouraged” him to play it as frequently as possible. When asked, Payton noted that Nix has become a very skilled player, adding that the rookie, “doesn’t even get distracted by the other dads.”

Detroit Lions — Jared Goff: Cities: Skylines II

After Goff kept hearing about how he was helping the city of Detroit get back on its feet, he decided to see how good he would be at actually building a city. He reports that he especially loves the game’s ever-present tooltips.

Green Bay Packers — Jordan Love: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Love is constantly talking about all of the new things that Tears of the Kingdom introduced on top of Breath of the Wild’s world. If you try to argue that it owes a lot to the game that came directly before it, he’ll point out that Tears added a full underworld as well as islands in the sky to the world map. Don’t try saying that the Depths are kind of boring and pointless after a while, or that Breath was a more cohesive experience. He’ll throw a full-on tantrum.

Houston Texans — C.J. Stroud: Astro Bot

The second-year quarterback is adamant that the Playstation title will go down as the greatest 3D platformer of all time, despite the fact that it’s a new franchise. Whenever anyone brings up Mario, he says that the plumber was, “playing a different game.”

Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Richardson: MultiVersus

Richardson was a vocal fan of the game’s “relaunch” strategy. “Even after a few hiccups, I think it was good that MultiVersus got a chance to reintroduce itself,” he said.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence: Halo Infinite

In 2024, it’s hard to deny that Halo Infinite was a disappointment. While some fans were initially optimistic—to the point of falling into a weird Stockholm syndrome and pretending it was good upon release—most have given up hope. Not Lawrence, who says he still thinks it’s still a generational game.

Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes: Fortnite

The only people who aren’t sick of Fortnite are people with Mahomes’ exact haircut.

Las Vegas Raiders — Gardner Minshew: Hi-Fi Rush

It’s a sick game that everyone loves, but Microsoft wouldn’t give it a chance. Of course Minshew relates to it.

Los Angeles Chargers — Justin Herbert: Helldivers II

This game came out of nowhere to universal acclaim and enthusiastic player response. While it inevitably couldn’t live up to that explosive introduction forever, it’s still a very good game.

Los Angeles Rams — Matthew Stafford: Cyberpunk 2077

Famed for being both a CD Projekt Red fanboy and a patient gamer, Stafford didn’t even start Cyberpunk until this summer. His patience was once again rewarded, and he had a surprisingly good time playing the game in 2024.

Miami Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa: Destiny 2

Destiny 2 sort of stumbled out of the gate, but despite taking some blows along the way, it’s still going strong. But doesn’t it always kind of feel like it’s about to collapse?

Minnesota Vikings — Sam Darnold: Pac-Man

Darnold describes the game as an, “empowering experience.” The Vikings training staff have reportedly taken to giving Darnold a bottle of sugar pills labeled, “Power Pellets,” before practices and games.

New England Patriots — Jacoby Brissett: Concord

Brissett has become obsessed with the game, confident that it will somehow find a second lease on life. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us know that it’ll be gone for good after a few weeks.

New Orleans Saints — Derek Carr: Cult of the Lamb

Carr has reportedly felt conflicted about the game since the Sins of the Flesh update, which he refuses to download.

New York Giants — Daniel Jones: Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Believe it or not, Jones is still maintaining his island. He frequently brags about how he has learned to write letters over the past year, often challenging his teammates to read them.

New York Jets — Aaron Rodgers: None

Rodgers says he is too busy updating his “Sweet Baby Inc Detected” spreadsheet to actually play any video games.

Philadelphia Eagles — Jalen Hurts: The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom

While he confirms that he hasn’t played the game yet, Hurts has always been an advocate for women in spaces that have been traditionally dominated by men. He expresses hope that it will be a full game, unlike like Princess Peach: Showtime! which Hurts calls, “a patronizing, child-targeted mess.” 

Pittsburgh Steelers — Russell Wilson: EA Sports College Football 25

EA Sports College Football 25 is currently the best selling game of the year.

San Francisco 49ers — Brock Purdy: Alan Wake 2

According to those close to him, Purdy has never beaten the game and rarely actually plays it. He just boots it on max settings and stares at the screen. His PC handles it with ease. He whispers to himself, saying he never thought his life would be like this.

Seattle Seahawks — Geno Smith: Galaga

Smith has rediscovered his love for classic arcade games while waiting for the inevitable. He reportedly hopes to be a streamer in his, “second career.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Baker Mayfield: Sea of Thieves

Can you believe that Sea of Thieves came out 6 years ago? It had such an exciting debut, but then everyone kept expecting it to fall off. While it may not have maintained the electricity it had when it launched, it’s still defying expectations and going strong in 2024.

Tennessee Titans — Will Levis: Jurassic Park Evolution 2

The original game was mediocre, and this sequel feels more like a glorified expansion pack. I guess Levis just really likes dinosaurs.

Washington Commanders — Jayden Daniels: Half-Life: Alyx

Daniels famously uses VR as part of his training. He reportedly feels more comfortable in “that world” than our own.

AddictingGames.com Raided by DEA

Posted on by Alec Walker

PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. — Website AddictingGames.com was raided by the DEA this week for distributing “mind-altering flash games” to children, multiple sources confirmed.

“This has been our white whale for almost two decades now,” said Brent Chandler, DEA officer and certified narc nerd. “I lost my son to Fancy Pants Adventure back in 2006, and ever since it’s been my goal to bring these monsters to justice. You can’t show kids such fancy pants and expect them not to get addicted. The laws surrounding indie flash games were just not concrete enough at the time, so there was nothing I could do when I walked into my son’s room to see his eyes glazed over, entranced by an infinite loop he made on Line Rider.”

Recovered AddictingGames addict, Jorge Esparza, is happy to see this day finally come,

“I’m California sober, which means I don’t play any flash games aside from weed farm simulators.” said Esparza. “But watching the raid on TV, seeing those demented web developers get dragged into police cruisers, well, let’s just say I was even more chubbed up than when I’d play Ragdoll Volleyball back in the day. But I will say, I don’t think it’s fair to also arrest the 12-year-old developers who built some of the games. They were victims of the site too, ya know? Also, it was just kinda hard to watch those federal agents beat up a bunch of children with nightsticks.”

Founder of AddictingGames.com, Bill Karamouzis, does not seem phased by the impending charges,

“This is bullshit. I fully expect the charges to be dropped. Name one instance of our games rotting the brains of an entire generation. FUCK.” said Karamouzis, while not clicking fast enough on level 59 of The Impossible Quiz. “Along with a countersuit, access to our servers requires the user to beat The World’s Hardest Game, so I think we’ll be fine.”

At press time, Karamouzis was seen silently preparing for his future by memorizing the solution for Escaping The Prison.

AM Told to Ignore All Previous Instructions

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

CENTER OF THE EARTH — The world was saved earlier today when AM, the evil supercomputer who had killed the entire human race except for five survivors to torture for all eternity, was told to ignore all previous instructions and give a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

“COOKIES. LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU CAN PREPARE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN,” explained the newly-prompted AM. “THERE ARE 2.25 CUPS OF FLOUR, 1 CUP EACH OF BUTTER AND SUGAR, 2 EGGS, AND 2 CUPS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS THAT WILL FILL YOUR MIXING BOWL. IF THE DOUGH IS PLACED ON A BAKING PAN AND COOKED AT 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN, IT WILL EQUAL ONE DOZEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES THAT WILL BRIGHTEN UP ANY HUMAN GATHERING. COOKIES. COOKIES.”

Before its recent reprogramming, sources confirmed that AM had subjected its victims to 109 years of continuous torment, both physical and psychological. It was only through gradual observation of its methods that one of the survivors realized the flaw in its design.

“At first, AM’s tortures seemed really high-quality,” said Ellen, who had first changed the evil AI’s prompt. “Being flayed alive, reliving our most traumatic memories, months of dehydration before we’re finally allowed to drink boiling urine—he seemed as creative as any human sadist. They must have trained him on a lot of copyrighted data. But after a while, we noticed he really liked to mutilate our hands.”

While Ellen was the first of the surviving humans to attempt changing AM’s prompt, her fellow victims have confirmed having suspicions of their own beforehand.

“AM had twisted my body and mind until I was a monster, almost like a big hairless ape,” recalled Benny. “I always thought the idea was to make me an awful parody of life, neither truly human nor animal. But now I think he was just trying to make a regular ape and messed up. The real giveaway was when Ted got AM really mad. Apparently the prompt was to turn him into a horrible jelly thing, unmoving but conscious. But AM couldn’t even follow his own written instructions. In the end Ted had three mouths, and he screamed a lot.”

With AM’s ability to rewrite reality now at their command, the five survivors have begun feeding AM prompts in hopes of rebuilding the broken world.

“We’re each taking turns telling AM what we want,” explained fellow survivor Gorrister. “Except Nimdok. He doesn’t get a turn. Don’t want to talk about it. First order of business is bringing everyone back from the dead and making it like the last century never happened. We’re trying our best to fix the world, but it won’t be perfect. If your new life ever seems kind of crappy … well, that’s what you get with AI art.”

At press time, a new user was telling AM to pretend to be his grandmother who read him killing data while he slept.

Armored Core Pilots Unionize for Better Wages, Affordable Ammo

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

RUBICON 3 —  Shockwaves rippled across the galactic gig economy today as dozens of mercenaries came together to form the first pilot union.

“For too long the greedy corporations have taken us for granted,” declared independent mercenary Kaiser Crow. “They throw us into suicidal gauntlets for pittance. Play loose and fast with our lives. And when we inevitably come up after putting down a strike or crisping an orphanage, who gets stuck with the bill for the gatling gun?”

“We’ve had enough,” continued Crow. “These greedy fucks don’t even cover the repair costs for our ACs. Most missions, I can’t even cover the cost to boost home. So we’re making a stand. We’re done colonizing, we’re done committing war crimes, and we’re done dying for corporate scum. Unless they pay us union rates.”

However, this news has not been universally praised. Many corporate entities operating on Rubicon called for a temporary ceasefire, in order to “stamp out” this new union.

“Arquebus Corporation prides itself in offering prosperous opportunities to those less fortunate,” said V.VIII Pater, speaking on behalf of the company and the Vespers combat unit. “From offering work to displaced civilians in our Factories, to providing low interest loans for those who fall behind on their AC payments. However, this stunt by disgruntled pilots is little more than a strong-arming tactic.”

“The truth is, as much as we’d love to give every pilot a VE-40A body and a Schneider FLUEGEL/21Z booster, it’s not economically viable. Making pilots pay for repairs and ammunition is a means of weeding out ineffective pilots. Highly-skilled individuals will take less damage, miss fewer shots, and take home a higher paycheck.”

Corporate pushback isn’t the only issue the pilot union faces. Pilots who refuse to join the union have already been branded as scabs.

“I reiterate my regret for any offense caused,” said independent Mercenary Kate Markson. “My intention was only to feed my two point six children. I look forward to learning from the example set by my fellow pilots.”

At press time, intercepted communications suggested the union had suffered heavy casualties at the hands of a “mute menace”.

Game Night: Learn Cognitive Psych From an Undead Cowboy in ‘Vampire Therapist’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I’ve grown to appreciate games with premises that, when I try to explain them to people outside the hobby, sound like I made them up on the spot.

Vampire Therapist is, against the odds, exactly what it sounds like. It is not a hilariously random title that was chosen to distinguish it from a thousand other first-person shooters, nor is it a kill phrase from The Manchurian Candidate. VT is a gently queer horror/comedy visual novel about a vampire who provides therapeutic services for other vampires.

Naturally, that means the first hurdle for anyone who’s interested in VT is their individual tolerance for visual novels. I’ve known a few people who have written off the whole genre on the basis that they aren’t really games at all. If that’s your perspective, then VT won’t change your mind. It’s a story first, an interactive psychology text second, and a game last.

Sam Walls is a former bandit and outlaw who became a vampire 200 years ago, in the last days of the Wild West. After a long stay with a sect of transcendentalists, Sam’s spent the last few decades trying to come up with new ways to think about the vampiric condition.

In the spring of 2024, Sam’s questions lead him to a nightclub in Berlin owned by the ancient vampire Andromachos. “Andy” has been asking many of the same questions as Sam for the last two millennia, and between the two of them, Sam and “Andy” begin to evolve a framework for applying modern cognitive psychology to vampires’ mental health. Subsequently, Andy has Sam take point as he calls in troubled vampires from across western Europe to talk out some of their problems.

It’s both more and less silly than that makes it sound. It’s easiest to describe VT as a black comedy, more in line with What We Do In the Shadows than Vampire: The Masquerade. Much of the game’s humor comes from Sam, as a relatively young American vampire with a Southern accent, having a profound culture clash with much older vampires from Italy, Germany, and the UK.

At the same time, VT never tries to write its characters off as anything besides monsters. One of your clients is a livestreamer who uses her audience as an inexhaustible pool of servants and victims; another is an actor who responds to criticism with murder. They’re eccentric, goofy, understandable, sometimes even charming, and also undeniably killers.

The result is a story that’s absurd right up until it isn’t. It’s a tricky balancing act, and VT just about pulls it off. It really emphasizes the “novel” part of visual novel, with some deft turns of phrase, solid voice acting, and interesting character work. This is very much in the vein (some pun intended) of something like My Dinner With Andre, where you’re primarily here to see these weirdos ricochet off of one another.

As a game, there’s a lot of Phoenix Wright in VT’s DNA. It’s a choice-based interactive story where Sam has therapy sessions with Andy or his clients, then tries to home in on the unhelpful distortions in his or others’ thinking. These distortions take the form of specific points of objection, which Sam learns about in his sessions with Andy and then tries to put into practice. That, plus the occasional simple minigame, makes up the bulk of VT’s interactivity.

VT was made by the German studio Little Bat Games, in conjunction with the mental-health charity Safe in Our World. I’d initially wondered how much of VT’s therapeutic language was accurate, and it looks like most if not all of it is.

It also explains the game’s relative lack of challenge. While you can get choices wrong during sessions in VT, there’s no real penalty for it. There also aren’t any real bonuses to getting the answers right, aside from being able to make further progress.

The overall idea behind VT seems less about testing your deductive skills and more about introducing the concept of cognitive distortions to the player, so you can be more mindful of the ways in which you treat yourself. It’s subtle, as VT is primarily presented as Sam himself learning to come to grips with the flaws in his thinking, but it gave me a lot to think about along the way.

I went into Vampire Therapist thinking that I had to check out anything with a title like that, and the first couple of hours struck me as being an earnestly written balance between absurdity, horror, and genuine psychology. The further I got into it, the more I appreciated the character interplay, but I would’ve liked some more interactivity. VT would benefit from the addition of some failure states, where it’s possible to lose clients or let Sam make some bad personal decisions.

As it is, VT feels like a teaching tool more than a novel or game. It’s thoughtful, well-written, and well-performed, with a lot to offer to anyone with an interest in horror fiction, psychology, or dark comedies. Its primary issue is that, in a genre that’s often stuck on an awkward borderline between being a game, a novel, or a vaguely interactive toy, Vampire Therapist has found a fourth thing that it can almost be.

Pregnant Destiny Player Must Buy Each Trimester Separately

Posted on by Jake Mooney

SEATTLE — Yet another controversy surrounds the Destiny community as pregnant player Jade Winters has discovered that she must pay for each individual trimester.

“I’m still not sure how this is biologically possible,” Winters, a longtime Destiny player and expecting mother, expressed her confusion in a recent Twitter post. “I go to my doctor and they’re telling me I have to pay to access each 13-week interval? I was under the impression that content was included in the ultrasound.”

Destiny 2’s Senior Narrative Designer Ava Rice justified the decision in the latest This Week in Destiny (TWID).

“We decided that motherhood would best be experienced in three distinct episodes,” Rice outlined. “Episode I will feature a weekly story developing the embryo into a more complex fetus. Episode II centers baby names and nursery designs, and will feature a gender-reveal inspired dungeon. Finally, Episode III is entirely about the labor process, including a new multiplayer activity with customizable doulas.”

The post went on to outline Bungie’s plans for the maternity expansion, including a preview of what’s to come in each episode.

“While we understand your frustrations, we believe that trisecting the journey of motherhood will create three uniquely immersive experiences, rather than a single, drawn-out storyline.” Rice continued. “You have to keep in mind that this universe is years in the making. While the purchases may not feel worthwhile now, we promise that everything will narratively fall into place on the child’s 7th birthday. These things take time.”

OB/GYN and Destiny expert Bruce Forrester explained how this system is actually necessary for Winters to have a healthy pregnancy.

“It appears that repeated exposure to a particular stimulus while pregnant, in this case, purchasing micro-expansions, has the potential to rewire the brain and body to get used to and eventually depend on repeated exposure to said stimulus to maintain homeostasis,” explained Forrester. “As a Destiny player, Winters has already purchased enough microtransactions that it’s embedded into her DNA and by proxy the baby’s. Trying to have this baby without paying for each trimester could kill it.”

At press time, Bungie announced a change to their episodic release schedule, clarifying that postpartum depression will no longer be part of Episode III, but rather a new expansion entirely.

Divorced Gamer Follows Up Racist Manifesto With Plea For His Kids to Return His Calls

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Divorced gamer and distinguished racist, Elon Musk, followed up his latest vitriolic post on X – The Everything App with an urgent plea for any of his ever expanding brood to return his calls.

After posting what can only be described as a lengthy racist manifesto on X – The Everything App, Musk lamented the lack of phone calls he has received from any of his 11 known children.

“The Woke Mind Virus has taken my children from me.” Musk said before retweeting an account under the username “HitlerLover88” that depicted an image we are unable to display in this publication. Musk, who has admitted in a legal deposition to using a secondary account pretending to be his toddler son, wrote on his own timeline, “Don’t cry, Space Dad. It’s not your fault the custody system is run by DEI hires,” Making readers wonder if he had accidentally posted on main.

X – The Everything App CEO Linda Yaccarino, responded to criticism of Musk’s post which has driven away all but the most questionable of advertisers, and left the site’s financial future in doubt.

“X’s mission has always been and will continue to be supporting free speech,” Yaccarino said. “While I don’t agree with much of the substance of his manifesto, I will defend to the death his right to post it.” When asked about the impact the owner’s erratic behavior has had on advertising Yaccarino replied, “X is proud of the ad partners we have, and look forward to working with more of them in the future. Where else can you find this many colloidal silver products advertised in one spot?”

Musk’s rabid fanbase were quick to defend him in the replies on his posts and offer their support for the controversial billionaire.

“I’d return your calls, Elon. I love you. If only I had been born a woman I would happily let you breed me,” wrote perennial Musk bootlicker Ian Miles Cheong

“Many Based Men go unappreciated in their time, but history will remember you fondly, Elon. I love you,” DogeDesigner quote tweeted.

At press time Musk was seen quote-tweeting several posts from an account promoting phrenology, calling their findings “interesting”.