LONDON — During a livestream from their headquarters in London, the five remaining members of the development team for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League announced that the next season of the live service game would be themed around fan-favorite Warner Bros. film Coyote vs. Acme.
“After the successful mid-July launch of our winter-themed season, we’re thrilled to bring Wile E. Coyote and…Acme? I guess?…to the ongoing adventures of the Squad,” said Bill Parker, the only remaining writer for the game. “I have to say, this tie-in means a lot to me personally. Coyote vs. Acme is a movie that really changed my outlook on writing and made me realize that I, too, could vanish into thin air if it gave somebody a tax break.”
The fact that Coyote vs. Acme was never released and has only ever been shown to a handful of people did not seem to deter the Rocksteady crew.
“Fans are going to be thrilled when they see what’s in this season’s battle pass. Harley Quinn will get a t-shirt that says ‘Acme’, King Shark will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote’, and…um…Captain Boomerang will get a t-shirt that says ‘Coyote AND Acme’,” said remaining 3D artist Joe Philadelphia. “And of course, you’ll get to meet the newest member of the Squad, Will Forte. He does all of the things the other squad members do — shoot a gun, jump around — but he says lots of quips while doing it. Well, I mean, the other characters do that too, but his quips will be more like…um…”
“Oh, and you’ll get to fight the Flash again. He’ll be orange this time. Like a desert. Because Wile E. Coyote lives in a desert,” added Philadelphia right before the stream abruptly ended.
Fans took to Reddit to voice their frustration with the announcement.
“How dare Rocksteady add Will Forte as a character before they’ve even added Poison Ivy or Deathstroke,” posted user SuSquaBoi10319, “We want you to ruin more DC villains before you bring in guest characters. And why were all of the developers so nervous and sweaty for the whole livestream? And why was one of them holding up a little sign that said ‘Please help us’?”
Shortly after the livestream, David Zaslav ominously tweeted a single laughing emoji.
Nowadays, Hulk Hogan is considered a mediocre, overhyped, delusional, racist hasbeen, but due to his selfless behavior in my showing of “Gremlins 2: The New Batch,” he will always be a hero to me.
When Hulk appears in the news these days, it is to spout a constant stream of easily debunked lies. Whether it’s saying that Elvis was his biggest fan despite being dead before Hulk debuted, allegedly turning down offers to join both Metallica and the Rolling Stones, or saying that he worked 400 days a year because he did so much international travel.
In 1990, my parents decided to move to suburban Livingston right at the end of second grade and I didn’t have time to make friends. Summer came and the Jewish Community Center’s Day Camp was abuzz about “Gremlins 2: The New Batch.” I had taped the original off Channel 11, and after seeing how depressed I was, my father relented and agreed to take me to the movie on my birthday since I didn’t have any friends to celebrate with.
We were enjoying the movie from the balcony of the Millburn Cinemas, when sound became warped and the film started flickering! The film burned and it was just a white screen. We had no idea what to do. Gremlins appeared on the screen and started doing shadow puppets. Even then I knew Gremlins weren’t real, (and for the record, I know wrestling’s fake too), but we figured it was either disgruntled workers or somehow prankster teens in the projection booth. My dad sent me to get an usher. I looked around, and no one was in the lobby. I went back up the stairs, I heard Hulk Hogan’s unmistakable voice, and by the time I got back to my row, the crowd was cheering and the movie was back! I asked Dad what happened and he said some bald blond guy got them to start the movie up again. Wow! Impressive move from a man who uses racial slurs as foreplay! That’s when I knew Hulk Hogan was a true hero! For the rest of the movie, I peeked over the railing to see if I could spot the man who took time away from ratting out unionizing wrestlers to come to Central Jersey to save our movie experience!
I figured he would be swarmed outside the theater, but since we stayed to watch Daffy Duck’s hilarious commentary over the credits, we must have missed him leaving.
Eventually I made friends and one day we ended up watching “Gremlins 2,” and there was a break in the VHS version too! But it was completely different, with TV static, news clips, a bible epic, and John Wayne fighting cowboy gremlins. I tried to explain the scenario I witnessed, but they didn’t believe me.
Over the years, whenever I see Hulk Hogan, whether on a reality show creeping on his own daughter or being Peter Thiel’s pawn to dismantle freedom of the press, he always holds a special place in my heart. I just wish he was there in 2007 when I saw Grindhouse to find out why my theater had a scene missing.
WASHINGTON — The Phantom Thieves of Hearts, a group of teenage vigilantes operating in the Metaverse, have successfully defeated President Biden’s Shadow Self and convinced him to drop out of the upcoming election, sources confirm.
“This was a surprisingly difficult Palace,” said Joker, the group’s leader. “I thought we were going to be in and out. There didn’t seem to be much going on inside, but it took forever to clear it. We were right up against the deadline. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t understand the calling card, but I guess Jill helped him with that. I just hope his replacement is romance-able.”
President Biden was both relieved by the defeat of his Shadow Self and horrified by his previous actions.
“Holy cow, Jack. Why was I still in this race?” said President Biden. “I mean, I know it was my own corrupt thoughts manifesting themselves within the Metaverse and clouding my decisions, but c’mon, man. I didn’t realize how much malarkey was building up in my head. I almost let that alley cat win the election—and I’m not talking about Morgana. I’m glad the Phantom Thieves helped me out and made it clear that it was time for me to pass the baton.”
At press time, Joker was reportedly on a departing train when he thought he caught a glimpse of Hunter Biden standing on the platform.
I haven’t written as many columns about “bullet heaven” games as I could have. Almost as soon as Vampire Survivors hit it big, other studios started making variations on its theme. By now, there’s a new game in VS’s lane every couple of weeks; I play a lot of them; and to my surprise, many of them turn out to be pretty good. They’re meant to be cheap, repetitive, and challenging, and most of the developers who’re making these games seem to understand the assignment.
I mentioned thisa few weeks ago, but one of the things that fascinates me about the bullet heaven genre is that nobody seems interested in simply cloning Vampire Survivors. The closest anyone’s come might be HoloCure, and even it has a couple of unique features like its farming minigame. Most other bullet heaven games seem to treat VS like a useful starting point, then go off in their own direction.
In Earl vs. the Mutants, that direction is ‘80s grindhouse movies. I’ve described it to a couple of people as a Tremors sequel whereBurt Gummer joined Twisted Metal. (Alternatively, it’s a game in which you’re the Hell that’s coming to Frogtown.) You’re a blue-collar guy who works as a post-apocalyptic exterminator, which means you’re taking on armies from behind the wheel of your personal killdozer.
On each map, Earl enters play with a tricked-out car and goes up against waves of enemies, from mad cultists to toxic zombies to giant fish-people. If you can survive for 10 minutes, you confront the local mutant warlord, who enters play in their own customized murder-mobile.
There was a period in the late ‘90s where it seemed like a lot of Western game developers all watched Death Race 2000 at the same time, which led to the creation of “vehicular action” games like Twisted Metal, Carmageddon, and Vigilante 8. Earl vs. the Mutants hearkens back to that. It offers a couple of different control schemes, but you’re still driving a car, so you have to take acceleration, cornering, momentum, and local topography into account. It gives Earl a unique difficulty curve.
Early in a run, Earl is a roadkill simulator, as driving over a mutant does more reliable damage than any of your weapons. As you go, you’re gradually awarded better guns and drones that ramp up your damage output. Smashing into mutants never goes out of style, but it quickly takes a backseat to auto-targeted shotguns or a full-auto grenade launcher.
Having said that, I had a hard time with the first half-hour of Earl vs. the Mutants, as there’s a real disconnect between what it wants you to do and what’s actually viable. Most of the available cars in the game are actually pretty fragile at the start of a run. You can rack up a quick body count by doing donuts in the middle of an oncoming mob, but you’ll take enough stray melee hits in the process that it’s rarely worth the risk. The safer play is to use hit-and-run tactics, level up, and collect defensive bonuses until no single mutant can do much more than scratch your paint.
Once I figured that out, I had a lot more fun with Earl, but immediately ran into a second problem: it’s really short. Granted, it’s $7, but at time of writing, it’s only got 1 character, 4 cars, 3 maps, and 3 levels of difficulty. Even by comparison to other bullet heaven games, which tend to have simple and repetitive core loops, you run out of new things to do in a hurry.
Earl vs. the Mutants has potential, but feels like an early draft of itself. With some post-launch support, it could turn into something special. For right now, it’s a cheap way to get your vehicular homicide fix, but it’s hard to imagine playing it past the 4-hour mark.
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Death Must Die, admittedly, is old news. It came out last November in Steam Early Access and quickly got a small cult following. Personally, I bounced off of it, as it gets off to a slow start; your first character is a slow-moving knight with a boring game plan.
I picked DMD back up in the last couple of weeks and found out that I’d given up about 15 minutes early. If you stick it out with Default Sword Guy for a couple of runs, you unlock 5 more characters, most of whom are more entertaining than he is.
In DMD, the god of Death has gone out of control. Instead of taking people at their appointed time, he’s started killing them for the sheer fun of it. As a result, mortals make regular pilgrimages to the isolated High Mount, from which they can travel to Death’s home and confront him directly. No one has survived the trip.
Now, Death’s finally gotten the other gods to the point where they’re willing to oppose him directly. You play DMD as a party of six adventurers who’ve all come to the High Mount for their own reasons, and then discover they have divine backup. WIth the help of the gods, one of the 6 might be the hero who finally kills death.
DMD is essentially a dungeon crawler with no dungeon. Each run drops you into a flat plane with a small army of incoming monsters, where you can mow them down for experience and gold.
Each boss you take down gives you currency for permanent character upgrades, while you can find or buy equipment that further improves your stats. At each new level, you can select a boon from one of 3 gods, which gives you powerful new abilities that last for the rest of that particular run.
DMD’s primary mechanic during combat is that your dash, which recharges quickly and offers a short invincibility window. It lets you create some space and dodge past enemies’ attacks, which is just useful at first and rapidly becomes critical. By the time you reach the second boss, your mastery of the dash is most of what keeps you alive.
There’s no point in DMD at which you accumulate enough firepower where you don’t have to pay attention. Even if you luck into a really good early build, you still have to dodge incoming attacks or you’ll end up smeared across the landscape. It’s like Diablo on fast-forward, and it’s surprisingly successful.
I’d only say “surprisingly” because DMD feels too complicated by half. It’s got the “too many stats” issue that frequently crops up with number-crunchy action-RPGs, where it’s difficult to tell at a glance whether a new piece of gear or passive ability is actually a meaningful upgrade. You eventually get a feel for which stats actually matter, but you could ditch or consolidate half of these modifiers/powers and lose nothing.
Just the same, DMD manages to capture some of the flavor from two separate, addictive genres. It’s hard to put down once you start, and the characters’ individual upgrade trees introduce enough variability that they all end up feeling usefully different.
If there’s a commonality between DMD and Earl vs. the Mutants, it’s about how both games treat a dire situation like it’s another day at the office. DMD’sstory sounds like an existential crisis in the making, but nobody’s taking it that seriously. The game’s mood does a 180 after you unlock your second character, Merris, who’s just happy to be here, and the next few unlocks continue that general theme.
I wouldn’t go as far as to call DMD a parody, but I got a lot of laughs out of various characters’ absolute refusal to engage with the sort of story they’re in. Imagine a typical Soulslike, but after the first hour, everybody went to therapy.
Death Must Die has a vague roadmap at time of writing that might see it leave Early Access around the end of the year. It’s got a few issues it could stand to sort out, but if it manages to stick the landing, DMD could be the next great bullet heaven game.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif — Google has confirmed thatthe ability to fast-travel between locations in certain states will soon be arriving on the devices of Google One Subscribers.
“We’re so incredibly excited about Google Fast Travel, and we can’t wait to share it with our more dedicated users,” says Stephen Knight, Director of Research and Development at Google Maps. “Starting August 1, all of our Google One subscribers will be able to access the fast-travel feature from within the Google Maps app, like with any other mode of transportation. However, users should note that in order to make space for the Fast Travel option, we did have to do away with walking directions altogether.”
One Google One subscriber and Google Fast Travel beta tester Jasper Evans posted to social media to go over their praise, as well as criticism, of the new feature.
“The service is great for the most part. It’s completely free with the subscription, which is awesome,” said Evans. “The Fast Travel isn’t always instant, but Google was sure to include some fun loading animations for users to rest in while waiting to arrive. Plus there’s the mobs. Every time you Fast Travel, there’s a 35% chance that a horde of enemies will spawn nearby. At first it was kind of a fun challenge, but now it’s more obnoxious than anything.”
When asked what lies in store for the future of Google Fast Travel, Project Lead Miranda Davis was eager to share.
“There are a lot of updates we’re really hoping to implement once the feature has the chance to take off,” explains Davis, “And we’ve already received a lot of feedback from our users! One thing people really want to see, it seems, is the ability to Fast Travel while engaged in combat. While this is certainly something we’d like to explore eventually, it’s probably a long way off. For now, we really want to focus on adding helpful tips to display over loading animations. Oh and we’re going to expand mob spawning. We want our more hardcore users to have the option to Fast Travel into the middle of nowhere, like a state park or something, and just go ballistic on waves and waves of enemies, nothing but mountain air between you and say 300 zombies or so. That’s what Google Maps envisions for the future.”
At press time, Google is reportedly planning on when they will make the feature obsolete.
WASHINGTON — Amidst increasing calls for Joe Biden to end his reelection bid over concerns for his fitness for office, Vice President Kamala Harris offered during a meeting with Democrats to test Biden’s mental acuity by having him play “a simple little maze game”.
“A lot of people are saying very harsh things about Joe,” said Kamala in a press release. “They say he’s too old to be President. Too senile. Frail. They say they don’t like his stupid face. The way he breathes. His nauseating old person smell that makes you want to throw up in your mouth. How he stubbornly refuses to step down from candidacy and let someone else take the lead even when that someone else is polling higher than him. His hideous dull blue eye, like a vulture. What was I saying? Oh yeah. Having him play this simple little maze game would be a perfect way to see if he is still the same Joe we put our faith in four years ago.”
The majority of democrats, especially millennials, agree with Kamala’s proposal.
“If Biden really wants to prove to the country that he is still mentally fit for the job then he should play the absolutely totally normal, simple maze game that Harris has proposed. That would be best for all involved,” said Todd Gak, a young democrat from Philadelphia.
Harris explained how playing the game would help ease the minds of democrats.
“Passing will show that he still possesses the proper concentration skills and mental faculties to be president. Easy as that. There is absolutely nothing in this game that will shock or otherwise cause any undue stress on his eighty-one year old heart. Nothing bad will happen to him, but in the slightest chance something does, I assure you I am ready and able to take on the responsibility of being the new Democratic candidate.”
Biden has agreed to play the maze game, assuring Democrats in a press conference that he is still fit to be president.
“If solving a maze is what I have to do to put all this naysaying behind me then I’m willing to do it,” said Biden in an official statement. “Vice President Trump has never led me wrong before. I’ll kill that damn minotaur.”
At press time, Biden was reportedly seen being led by Harris into a dark room to play the game.
NEW YORK — Local gamer Ashton Keith is demanding that stairs be nerfed after he was once again left completely out of breath after climbing up a small staircase
“This is just completely ridiculous at this point, they’re way too OP,” exclaimed Keith as he struggled for breath in a TikTok. “I’m a fairly in shape guy, I do crunches all the time when I drop my controller and have to pick it up and my cardio has always been great. I’m famous for lasting the longest out of my whole friend group in gaming sessions, I can go 8 hours straight without getting tired. But every time I have to climb some stairs I get really winded very quickly. Something needs to be done about this, the stairs are simply not tuned well.”
Architect Marcus Anthony commented on the TikTok, explaining the difficulty of developing stairs for such a wide variety of players.
“It’s one of the most difficult things to get the tuning right for. You need to design them in such a way that makes them achievable to anyone regardless of skill level or character archetype but at the same time you still want there to be a challenge. Unfortunately this means that some classes will have more difficulty than others. The Couch Potato class is gonna struggle more than the Healthy Adult class and that’s just the way it is unless they go out of there class to invest in some vitality and endurance stats”
Keith’s roommate Floyd claims that the stairs are fine the way they are and Keith simply needs to get good.
“It really is a skill issue. Our apartment is on the second floor, it’s not a big flight of stairs. There’s a really fat guy who lives on the 5th floor that never complains about the stairs.
I’ve never seen Ash exercise since we became roommates eight years ago and his idea of healthy food is putting peppers on pizza. There are some days where I swear he doesn’t even get up out of his chair. He’ll be playing a single player with bloodshot eyes and roll his chair over to get a Mountain Dew. He says pausing is for the weak, meanwhile he needs to take a break to get up one flight of stairs”
At press time, Keith has vowed that if the stairs won’t be nerfed then he will simply leave his apartment less.
WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of asymmetrical multiplayer games as well as autocratic theocracies are clambering to play the Heritage Foundation’s long-awaited and highly controversial asymmetrical multiplayer shooter ‘Project 2025’ which is all but assured to release in November.
“Everybody knew the game was in development hell for a while,” said ‘Dead by Daylight’ streamer Kyle Neeman, “but now it seems like the pieces are finally falling into place. I remember having a blast with the Alpha when it dropped back in January of 2021 but nobody thought it would reach this stage of development!”
“Like other games of the asymmetrical multiplayer shooter genre, ‘Project 2025’ will allow you to play on one of two teams with varying gameplay abilities,” explained lead gameplay designer Dale White. “The MAGA team will be equipped with automatic rifles while the liberal team writes strongly worded press statements denouncing their actions on the news. The liberal team is equipped with exciting abilities such as pointing out hypocrisy, or expounding on the importance of ethical behavior. Meanwhile the MAGA team can fire their weapons without consequences. Victory is obtained when all members of the liberal team are systematically imprisoned or executed.”
Other game developers have suggested that the game’s core mechanics are a bit derivative.
“It’s infuriating to see everyone talk about ‘Project 2025’ like it’s a revolution in the genre when its roots are so obvious,” said a rival game developer who wished to stay anonymous to avoid hurting the feelings of any Project 2025 devs. “There was this little-known asymmetrical shooter from 1923 called ‘Weimar Republic’ that really paved the way for the genre. Similar to ‘Project 2025’, the goal was for one team to use rhetoric and bureaucratic abilities to slow down the other team who would then respond by shooting them as fast as they could. It’s hard to not see the influence in ‘Dead by Daylight’ where one team does basic maintenance work while the killer hacks them all to pieces.”
At press time, gamers all across social media are preparing for the release of the game whether they’re looking forward to it or not.
MILWAUKEE — Gamer Annette Hutchinson has been seated at her local dive for hours sending signals to other bar patrons that she’s seriously interested in someone coming over and talking with her about Elden Ring lore.
“I didn’t get all dressed up and come out to this bar for nothing,” tweeted Annette in frustration. “I have been playing Elden Ring nonstop for days and I absolutely need to talk with somebody about it. I mean I made sure to wear my finest Elden Bling and I gotta say I’m winning the fashion souls at this bar. I’ve been sitting here making eye contact and smiling at people, just waiting for someone to come up and ask me why I think Marika shattered the Elden Ring so I can explain my theory that it wasn’t just because of Godwyn’s assassination on the Night of the Black Knives but because she was actually trying to break the influence of the Greater Will, but they just keep hitting on me.”
Other patrons of the establishment took to social media to voice their frustration about the “confusing girl” sitting at the bar.
“This hot girl is throwing signals my way so I went over,” said Zachary Gunn, there to play darts with his friends. “I hit my best pick up lines but this girl is just talking nonsense. She mentioned something about fate being guided by the stars so at first I thought she was really into astrology, but then she went on about all these different gods and ancient giants and being touched by grace. When she started talking about how a person’s soul was located in their asshole I excused myself and went back to playing darts. I think she was trying to convert me to a cult or something.”
Unfortunately for Annette, it seemed there weren’t any people in the bar who had even played Elden Ring, let alone held the same appreciation for its opaque world building. Except for one.
“I told my friends it would work,” said Ernest Golby, who caught Annette’s attention by wearing a black t-shirt with the words try finger but hole custom-printed on the front. “Nobody believed me. They all said this shirt was embarrassing and that it was gonna turn away anyone who might be interested, but I don’t want any attention from casuals. I came out here to talk about dragons starting a cult to trick people into committing a genocide, and it looks like tonight’s my night.”
At press time, Ernest and Annette are still seated at the bar, loudly theorizing the implications the item description for a loincloth had on their greater understanding of the lore.
TUCSON, Ariz. — Details in newly unearthed home videos seem to imply a larger, shared traumatic universe within the Pappas family, gaslit sources reveal.
“I haven’t looked at this stuff since I was a teenager,” said Jack Pappas, 34, who digitized dozens of VHS tapes while cleaning out his mother’s basement. “I thought I had a pretty normal childhood, but on repeat viewing I’m not so sure. Eagle eyed Pappas fans will note, for instance, that my mother’s bedroom door was closed during my seventh birthday party and my party balloons were gray, references of course to my mother’s undiagnosed clinical depression, an issue which I’m happy to say is now canon.”
Family historian and oldest cousin Angie Pappas-Baxter has begun cataloging the Easter Eggs in daily emails which nobody reads.
“I haven’t had this much fun since I did all that Ancestry.com stuff a while back to win an argument with one of my racist uncles,” said Pappas-Baxter. “But thanks to Jack, I can see details in these old movies that intrigue me. Grandpa’s hands used to shake a lot whenever our dog barked, which we kids thought was funny, but now I can just about make out his army uniform hanging in the coat closet. Really makes you wonder what he got up to off-screen.”
Clara Pappas, mother of Jack, refused to look at the videos and disagreed with the trauma-informed analysis suggested by other members of the family.
“I don’t know what my son is talking about. Things at home were perfectly normal and nice. Sure, we had some ups and downs, like everybody else. In my day we just got through those things. Even when the dog got struck by lightning on the Fourth of July after Mom died in that car fire and Bud got drafted – we didn’t complain. None of my eleven siblings ever even thought about going to therapy, so how bad could it have been? The younger generation are just complainers.”
At press time, sources indicate that Grandpa Pappas’ story would be continued in a standalone rewatch of Band of Brothers.
