Top 9 Things You Can Do to Improve Your Cybersecurity, Tom

Posted on by Jim Tatalias

A lot of people are worried about their cybersecurity these days and with good reason. With almost all of our lives online and in digital databases these days, it’s super important to make sure your data is safe. You’re already on the first step of a safe and secure digital footprint Tom Jeffries of Des Moines, Iowa. Based on your search history for the last couple days, you’re looking to beef up your digital security and make sure it’s secure. Don’t worry, I have you covered. Just follow these 9 steps and no one will ever be able to steal your data.

1. Buy an Expensive Antivirus Program

Tom, everyone wants to know the same thing: which antivirus program is the right one for me? Well, how expensive is it? Most antivirus software programs charge a certain amount per virus blocked. Hence, the more money you pay, the more viruses it will weed out. That’s common sense. And the comparative cost is tiny compared to all you stand to lose of your $86,522 salary.

2. Reuse the Same Password for All of Your Accounts

Using only one password is best because it allows you to hard-code all the security to a single, controlled source. And a short password is best. Why? Well, the longer the password is, the more pieces of it someone will be likely to guess.

How does one get ideas for a password? Why is this all so difficult? What are the first five digits of my social security number again? These are questions we all ponder and answer in emails to ourselves from time to time. Next tip.

3. Giving Remote Access to Your Desktop Is a Polite Thing to Do

Imagine treating your first pet (Sprinkles) like a stranger. That’s what it will feel like if someone you are speaking to requests remote access to your desktop and you decline. Maybe that is considered commonplace in Europe, but not here.

If you have concerns, stop holding yourself back. Just like you may have had success with exercise by joining your local Planet Fitness and making regular $16.49 payments for three months, here, too, your efforts will pay off.

4. Let’s Not Get the Law Involved

I don’t want to get political here, but the government is rounding people up and throwing them in jail for being immigrants or gay or numerous other sales demographics. Don’t go down that road, for the sake of your friends and neighbors (like Steph and Mel, the Ibanez family, etc., I hope you’re getting the picture). As Democrats, we know we should be on the right side of history. Don’t go to the police.

5. Fwd: (no subject)

6. Don’t Buy an Antivirus Program Unless Contacted First

If you sought out an antivirus program, chances are it might not be compatible with your system. As a TEACHER, SECONDARY, PUBLIC/PRIVATE [personalize later], you don’t know about computers. The antivirus specialists that come looking for you have found a perfect antivirus match for your computer. You should allow them to proceed.

7. Password Managers Are Not Worth the Hype

Why would you need to get someone else to “manage” one short password? It makes absolutely no sense. That would be like someone trying to “manage” the lien title on your used 2018 Toyota Highlander.

Sometimes, you just gotta drive the damn car.

8. Oh Click Here Real Quick

9. Don’t Fall for Two-Factor Authentication

Large corporations will try anything to get your phone number out of you. Do you want to get 3-way calls in the middle of the night from Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and Mark Zuckerberg? That’s what you’re signing up for.

How many factors will be enough for them? It’d make me want to save up all my factors just for myself: take photographs of my driver’s license, birth certificate, retina, and blood, and email them to myself. So Tom Jeffries would be the one in control of them, and let’s see what they say then.

DEI Hires Removed From Chessboard

Posted on by Nick Coffman

ST. LOUIS — Donald Trump, with permission from President Elon Musk, has enacted his latest executive order, essentially removing all DEI hires from every chessboard in America. The US Chess Federation is currently adhering to the order, but plans to fight it in courts in the coming weeks. We took to chessboards across the country to see how chess pieces were feeling about Musk’s latest order.

“I think it’s about time we leveled the playing field,” said a white knight who happened to be a blood relative to the King. “The other side was just hiring black knights to fill a space. Those guys aren’t nearly as qualified as me when it comes to moving in L-shapes.”

The front row whites also showed excitement for the changes coming to the game. Every pawn we spoke to mentioned the ‘high hopes’ they had for their future on the board.

“This is a win for the little guy,” one white pawn said. “The chances of me making it to the other side and getting a promotion have gone way way way up. Maybe one day I can make it into the back row myself.”

Not all pieces are too happy about the new order. White Queen felt blindsided about the changes to the game.

“What the fuck, I’m considered DEI? I thought it was just the black pieces,” the white queen said. “This is bullshit. Who was moving around the board making all the moves? Me. Who was saving the sorry King from all the checks and from getting checkmated? Me. I worked my ass off for that side of the board and this is how I get thanked? Getting tossed aside in favor of some stupid moron who can only move one space at a time. Fuck you and fuck this game.”

At press time Trump had asked permission from President Musk to sign a new executive order, allowing the King to move wherever he wanted. Musk replied he would look into it.

“I Was Born In The Wrong Century,” Says Gamer Playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2 Who Would Have Died by Age 10 in Medieval Period

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Frank Liberelli is convinced his life would have been better in the early 15th century after playing Kingdom Come: Deliverance 2, despite the fact he would have certainly perished before his tenth birthday, sources confirm. 

“Frank got some new game on Steam and he won’t shut up about how great it must have been to live like a Bohemian in the Middle Ages,” says roommate Jeremy Hernandez. 

“Dude’s got asthma and without his glasses he’s legally not allowed to drive. Does he really think he could fight off a thief while wearing 100 pounds of armor on horseback? Hell no.  And that’s assuming he didn’t die of the Black Plague as a toddler, which he totally would have–I’ve never seen this guy wash his hands in the three years we’ve lived together.”

Still, Liberelli continues to pine for a medieval life. 

“This game makes it clear I was meant to live in the era of potions and alchemy, not this wretched timeline run by Big Pharma and for-profit hospital conglomerates,” said Liberelli, who takes three medications each morning. “I yearn for heroic quests like Henry of Skalitz–my adventurous spirit alone would have kept me alive well into my sixties, methinks.”

Carla Liberelli, Frank’s mom, says there’s no use in trying to convince him otherwise. 

“To be honest, my Franky has always been drawn to the fantastical. He used to think he would become a secret agent or Navy SEAL sniper when he grew up. But he’s deathly allergic to 27 different things, including grass.  I told him the odds of getting selected for any job where he’d have to even touch grass at all were slim to none, but he never gave up hope. 

At press time, Liberelli was busy daydreaming about hunting wild boar while eating an ultra-processed meal containing zero ingredients that were available in the 1400s. 

You Tell Me What’s So Unethical About Using the Death Note To Make Sure I Win the Logan County Potato Salad Cook-Off

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, so let me make one thing clear: I know I make the best potato salad in all of Illinois. It’s a recipe that took me years to perfect, and while I won’t divulge all the secret ingredients, I will say that the dollop of pickle relish is just one of many little touches that puts it over the top. In a perfect world, my product would be judged exclusively on its merits without my having to resort to extreme measures, but sadly, here we are. So you tell me what’s so unethical about using the Death Note to make sure I win the Logan County Potato Salad Cook-Off this year.

And I don’t want to hear all that bullshit about competing fairly, either. Need I remind you that I’ve now been doing that for three years, and I’ve never even been so much as the runner-up? Even Vera Hofstedt came in second last year, and I swear to Christ she’s just buying the pre-made stuff at Harvest Market and adding paprika and tarragon to it. I’d stake my life on that. Also, don’t think I haven’t noticed that Beth Skronski’s brother-in-law Nathan is one of the judges. Where’s the shocked look and condescending lecture for Beth?

Also, that Death Note landed on my property, and you yourself told me that shinigami don’t take a vested interest in the actions of their humans. I don’t care that this is an “appallingly stupid and offensive use of the notebook that you just couldn’t ignore.” I can do with it what I wish. It just so happens that wish is to murder 9 innocent members of my community to ensure I take home this year’s novelty crown and Cracker Barrel gift certificate.

And I use the word “innocent” VERY liberally here. What kind of sick, twisted fuck buys grocery store potato salad and tries to pass it off as their own in a competition? I labor for hours to make sure my potato salad is perfect, from painstakingly choosing the ideal bag of Yukon gold potatoes to measuring out the perfect amount of celery seed to the milligram. I’ve deserved top honors in this competition since the day I deigned to grace that piteous sign-up sheet with my signature, and I will have my day, even if it kills me.

Er, I mean, even if it kills 9 of my friends and acquaintances.

I think we’re done here. You’ve made a few decent counterarguments to the idea of me hastily scribbling the other competitors’ names down, with the most convincing of which being how suspicious it’ll look when they all die of heart attacks in rapid succession moments before the competition begins, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I’ve got that crown in my sights and nobody, be they human or tenebrous Shinto deity, will stand in my way.

Now, where did I put my pen?

14 Things ‘Berserk’ Ripped Off from ‘Dark Souls’ if You Forget Which One Came First

Posted on by Nik Theorin

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, “they” being people who wouldn’t know an original idea if it dropped a piano on their head and their jaw flapped open to reveal piano key teeth. Berserk, the legendary long-running dark fantasy manga by Kentaro Miura, still being printed to this day despite the author’s tragic passing, tells the story of the Black Swordsman, a brooding, scarred, deeply traumatized warrior named Guts, who seeks revenge against his former friend and comrade turned god, Griffith.

While universally lauded for its complex themes, detailed artwork, and compelling worldbuilding, it pains me to say that after playing all three Dark Souls games and not looking up the dates they came out, it becomes troublingly clear just how much Miura lifts from the classic FromSoftware series. Themes, motifs, imagery, enemies: the author clearly had his careful eye on all things Dark Souls when penning his magnum opus, which I presume began serialization sometime in the late 2010s. Today, I’ll be looking at 14 things Berserk shamelessly rips off from Dark Souls, if you aggressively ignore the fact of which came first.

#1: Big Sword Guy with A Disability

In 2012, Dark Souls introduced gamers to a tormented legend in its first and only DLC: Artorias of the Abyss, a cursed swordsman with an unwieldy greatsword slung over his back and a bum arm that lends him a uniquely ferocious moveset. Artorias bristles with rage and dark power, his soul in a constant struggle with himself that is nothing short of sublime. Artorias’s legacy is complicated however by a string of unfortunate copycats, and Guts, with his similar oversized weapon, disability, and predisposition for sick forward somersaults of questionable tactical benefit, leads the pack. His iconic Berserker armor, acquired in the Falcon of the Millennium Empire Arc, even goes so far as to ape Artorias’s wolf motif. It’s a loving homage to a game Miura clearly held in high regard, but we’d love to see the mangaka step out of his comfort zone once in a while and try his hand at some original designs.

#2: The Darksign / The Brand of Sacrifice

The Darksign, a curse that marks all of humanity for undeath, and the Brand of Sacrifice, a mark inflicted by the God Hand to human sacrifices, both manifest as immutable fiery emblems on the protagonist’s body, branding the wearer for eventual doom and sparking all events to follow. While the Brand of Sacrifice doesn’t look much like the Darksign design-wise, save for its red glow and unrivaled flash tattoo potential, the inspiration is clear. Temporally-challenged players will have no trouble spotting this obvious mimicry.

#3: Man Serpents / Snake Lord

Good grief, the world does not need more of these poise-maxing pieces of shit. Miura can keep them.

#4: Moonlight Butterfly / Rosine

The Dark Souls community owes Berserk a debt of gratitude for taking an otherwise middling boss like the Moonlight Butterfly and giving it a beautiful, heart-wrenching backstory in the manga’s overlooked Lost Children Arc. Rosine, an abused girl who nurtures a secret belief that she’s an elf and runs away from her village to join her kind, where she succumbs to the transformative, corrupting magic of a Behelit, is the arc’s major antagonist, and her Apostle form will look familiar to fans of FromSoft’s unprompted middle finger to melee builds, the Moonlight Butterfly. When fully transformed as a graceful yet grotesque luna moth hybrid, Rosine is actually a better boss than the Moonlight Butterfly; where the latter spams two attacks fifteen times consecutively and then takes a little nap, Rosine uses her proboscis, stinger, and supersonic speed to thrilling effect in her fight with Guts. Is she thematically ill-suited for Dark Souls? Probably. Is it weird that she’s topless? A little. But these are the tradeoffs we make so we can experience art made by men.

#5: Blacksmith Andre / Godot

It’s a spitting image, unfortunately.

#6: Red Eye Orb / Behelit

The Behelit, or Beherit if you’re going to be annoying about it, is an object of immense spiritual and divine power. It is a key linking a deep layer of the Astral World to the Physical World, a teardrop of causality, an immutable summons from the unholy God born of man, a disarranged visage that screams and cries blood when met with the moment of its owner’s greatest desire. The Red Eye Orb is a multiplayer item with one sentence of lore. It’s amazing how Miura could pull so much from so little.

#7: A Grim-Dark Fantasy Setting With an Ambiguous Medieval European Backdrop Where Four God-Like Beings Have Altered the Trajectory of the World, the Desires of Men Often Distort Them Into Monstrous Forms, and the Struggles and Perseverance of One Warrior Through Continued Hardship Epitomize the Bleak but Ultimately Uplifting Core of the Story

Honestly I’m surprised FromSoft didn’t sue.

#8: Cathedral Evangelists / Mozgus

The concept of religious zealotry has existed for tens if not dozens of years before Dark Souls III gave us one of its more memorable enemies, the Cathedral Evangelists of the Undead Settlement, but that doesn’t make their particular brand of faith—preaching with an iron grip and a scalding embrace—any less shocking. What most Souls players don’t know is that these intimidating figures, Bible thumpers in more ways than one, were actually the basis for another memorable antagonist: Father Mozgus from Berserk’s Conviction Arc. Not only is Mozgus a fearsome inquisitor who terrorizes the city of Albion with torture and fanaticism, he wears the same wide-brimmed hat as the Evangelists and even smashes a villager’s head with his Bible in an attack that is ripped straight from Dark Souls if the order of release for these two properties eludes you as much as it does me.

#9: Twinks

You can’t throw a prism stone in Dark Souls without hitting a blonde twink with long hair, and the same goes for Berserk. Griffith could’ve sold his bucket well water and had the Band of the Hawk eating good for a year.

#10: Darkwraiths / The Skull Knight

The trend of Kentaro Miura turning standard enemies from his favorite game series into legendary characters continues with Dark Souls’ Darkwraiths and the Skull Knight, an enigmatic figure shrouded in mystery who is in no way King Gaiseric. The Darkwraiths and the Skull Knight both wear similarly ribbed armor and have an exposed skull for a face, framed by spikes. Beyond the aesthetic likeness, both characters actually share a few points of lore: namely, a city that was destroyed and a populace sacrificed to stop a great power, now buried beneath an ashamed kingdom. This assumes of course that the Skull Knight is King Gaiseric, a man of similar build with a skull helmet only seen riding a horse who has every reason to oppose the God Hand and was also called the Skull King in his time, but no one can make that call— certainly not the Berserk wiki which has them split into two separate pages.

#11: Graphic Violence Toward Women

Actually this one is all Miura (rest in peace struggler).

#12: The Eclipse / Whatever’s Going On in Dark Souls III’s Skybox

There’s an obvious parallel between Berserk’s infamous Eclipse and whatever the hell was going on in Dark Souls III’s skybox that one time. Did anyone understand that? Don’t get me wrong, it looked awesome and filled me with a feeling of grim finality, but what was the Darksign doing up there? Why was it so big? So the whole world is branded now? It makes thematic sense but does it make logical sense? Cool anyway.

#13: Cool Lore Shit That’s Never Explained

Regardless of which came first, whether the Four Kings inspired the Four Kings of the World or the Abyss inspired The Abyss or vice versa, Dark Souls and Berserk have always shared an approach to lore that transcends simple homage: mentioning some really cool shit once and never bringing it up again. Case in point: What is the Age of Deep Sea? The True Name that belongs to every Astral being? The Furtive Pygmy? The big bad formerly known as the Idea of Evil. And how did Big Hat Logan get his name?

#14: These Assholes

Maybe this one’s a coincidence.

Leon S. Kennedy Shoots Down Chainsaw-Wielding Musk

Posted on by Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Tesla CEO, loving father, and President of the United States, Elon Musk, was shot dead last night while wielding a chainsaw on-stage at the annual CPAC conference. The alleged shooter, Leon S. Kennedy, who is a member of Musk’s Secret Service security detail, was detained on-site and is now cooperating with authorities through their investigation.

CPAC attendees were quick to share the horrific details of this deadly night.

“He was just up there waving the chainsaw around like a madman,” said Claire Redfield, a reformed ecoterrorist and close friend of Kennedy’s. “Leon was just doing what he does best, shooting maniacs with chainsaws. It’s muscle memory for him at this point. Clean shot too. Leon took his head right off.”

The chaos only continued into the night after Kennedy’s alleged headshot. Redfield shared the carnage that resulted in 20 additional deaths.

“We thought it was over, then a Plagas parasite exploded out of the hole where the President’s head used to be.” Redfield said, while rubbing a green herb against her bruised arm. “The bastard cut down a bunch of federal workers. The looks of shock on their faces still haunt me. Thankfully, Leon was able to finally take him down before he could do more damage.”

Acting President, Donald Trump, had some choice words for Kennedy. He also had some choice words for his assassinated predecessor. 

“Wow, Elon. ASSASSINATED. Sad. I guess I could have taught you a few lessons about dodging bullets. Too late,” Trump wrote from his Truth Social. “And this Leon guy? What’s the S stand for? STOOPID?!!!! What a bozo.”

At press time, Trump announced an investigation into the Secret Service’s hiring practices.

Game Night: Unravel Decades of Family Drama in ‘The Roottrees Are Dead’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

The Roottrees Are Dead is a nostalgia project, but not in the way you’d think.

It’s an “armchair detective” game set in late 1998, which challenges you to piece together a big family’s dysfunctional history by digging through memoirs, magazines, library archives, and the early home Internet.

If it took place in 2012, you’d do 90% of the same work by creeping on millennials’ Facebook accounts; if it was set in 2025, half the libraries would be too underfunded to keep their archives online and all your Internet search results would inexplicably be ads for dick pills. I can’t accuse Roottrees of idealizing the past, but I have to envy its comparative lack of informational clutter.

You might’ve heard of Roottrees well before now. It was originally published as a browser game on Itch.io by Jeremy Johnston, who created it for a game jam in 2023. Johnston subsequently handed development on Roottrees over to Robin Ward, who rebuilt the game from the ground up in the Godot engine.

Ward’s version of Roottrees was released on Steam on Jan. 15. It features an improved UI, an expanded story, and a bonus scenario that follows up on the events of the original game, as well as replacing the original game’s Midjourney art with original paintings by Henning Ludvigsen.

In December of 1998, Carl Roottree and his family are killed in a plane crash. Carl was the president of his family business, the Roottree Candy Company, while his 3 daughters Rhayna, Rhose, and Rhiley were famous fashion models for their mother Brenda’s clothing line. Between them, the 5 Roottrees were worth over a billion dollars.

Due to a provision in Carl’s great-grandfather Elias’ will, the Roottree fortune is shared among Elias’ direct descendants. With Carl and his daughters dead, a significant amount of that fortune is up for redistribution. However, it’s no longer clear just who is and isn’t a Roottree by blood.

That’s where you come in. You’re an unseen, faceless genealogist with no connection to the Roottrees. Two days after the crash, an anonymous client hires you to reconstruct the family tree, starting with Elias and his wife Gwyneth, to figure out who’s got a legal claim to the Roottrees’ money.

Roottrees is self-consciously inspired by Return of the Obra Dinn. Your goal is to map out 5 generations of the Roottrees as thoroughly as possible, using a handful of starting clues, a list of names, and your trusty 56K modem.

The family tree is initially empty, but you can complete each entry by correctly matching a person with a photo and their most recent occupation. Every time you get 3 family members right, the board locks and you move forward. As you fill in more of the family tree, however, evidence gets harder to find and it takes more correct guesses to lock entries in.

To figure out who’s who, you gather information through the search engine on your character’s desktop PC, as well as the local library and online periodical archives. Every successful search could give you a useful clue, or at least provide a hint as to your next steps.

Notably, Roottrees doesn’t hold your hand in any significant way. A number of the game’s UI elements are explained as being part of your character’s intuitive process, like being able to see how many vital clues are left in a given piece of evidence, but there’s no other indication (i.e. colored text) whether a given detail may or may not be important. You’re expected to chase down every lead, no matter how irrelevant. When I got stuck, it was usually because I was either reading too fast or I hadn’t been diligently doing a websearch for every new proper noun.

Last week, when I was playing Urban Myth Dissolution Center, I complained about how it forces you to operate at its own glacial pace. Roottrees, conversely, drops a massive stack of information on your head like a sack of gravel, then leaves you alone to sort through it.

It’s got the same addictive thrill as a complicated jigsaw puzzle. If one part of the family tree is slowing you down, there’s nothing to stop you from leaving it alone and going after an easier win. Many of the clues are initially hidden in irrelevant asides or as throwaway details in a photo, and it’s satisfying whenever you get two seemingly disparate facts to click together.

That being said, one thing that harms the experience for me is Roottrees’ occasional reliance on moon logic. A few crucial parts of the first case are only solved via requiring a big intuitive leap. One involves judging at a glance which of two nearly identical men is older; another character’s sole identifying detail is buried five links deep in a seemingly unrelated subject; and a few different characters simply have no Internet presence for no particular reason. There’s a whole branch of the Roottrees who work in show business, and the game makes it difficult to find reliable information about them despite the fact that IMDB existed in 1998.

That quirk of puzzle design only qualifies as a minor speed bump in the base game, but as noted above, the Steam version includes a new scenario. In Roottreemania, you’re re-hired eight months later to determine which if any of several newly-discovered illegitimate children might be a direct descendant of Elias Roottree.

My primary issue with Roottreemania is that it’s treated like an add-on pack rather than a sequel. You’re opening another investigation on top of the old one, and many clues from the first scenario come into play from the second. However, many isn’t all, which means there’s no way to know what’s relevant from the base game unless you laboriously go through everything all over again.

It might be a semi-realistic portrayal of this kind of work, but it’s a slog, and it locks many of the puzzle solutions behind seemingly random deductive conclusions. There’s a deliberate artificiality to Roottreemania’s difficulty that brings down the entire experience, primarily by highlighting the base game’s worst tendencies.

(Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but Roottreemania’s main plot hinges on a big twist that I figured out in the first 10 minutes, then had to sit on for about two hours. That was a little annoying.)

The first scenario, on the other hand, is an all-timer. The Roottrees Are Dead is a solid example of a woefully underpopulated subgenre. Not every facet of the game is created equal, and I’d just skip Roottreemania, but it’s a nice balance of mundane drama and deductive challenges. I’m already planning to put a couple of my mystery-obsessed relatives in front of it to keep them busy next Christmas.

[The Roottrees Are Dead, developed by Robin Ward from an original project by Jeremy Johnston and published by Evil Trout, is now available on Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a copy of the game purchased on Steam by Hard Drive.]

Elon Musk Shocked to Learn He is Not the First Person to Jerk It to Hentai in the White House

Posted on by Eddie Feeley

WASHINGTON — Late last night, Elon Musk issued a statement on X (Formerly Twitter.com) revealing that he discovered he was not the first person to masterbate to hentai in The White House.

“I was sitting in the Oval Office alone, because I can be, and decided to indulge in one of the only good things to come out of Japan,” Musk posted, never one to shy away from his sexual habits. “After I finished beating my meat within an inch of its life, I got curious to see if I was the first person to ever jerk it to hentai in The White House. I just like to think like that. I’m a trendsetter. It wasn’t a school night, so I had my team of DOGE officials look to see if anyone has ever logged into some of my go to hentai sites, such as *****, *****, or my favorite, Deviantart.”

*Hard Drive has censored the names of these sites, as they are not only full of incredibly pornographic images but also loaded with various computer viruses.

Musk’s team found that the first person to access these sites from the White House was back in 2003. An anonymous source has come forward claiming to be the person who did it first.

“Well, I was coming toward the end of my first term and was feeling pretty stressed,” said an anonymous source from his ranch home in Crawford, Texas. “My wife Laura was out of town and I was stuck in the office. I found myself on a unique side of the interwebs. Toons of women of various ages in compromised situations, their mouths wide and wet, flush with frustration. Well, it opened my eyes up to a lot of things. Got me into art among other things. Here, let me show you some pieces I made based on this. It’s an ongoing series where this young woman travels across our great nation and gets into all kinds of sexual situations.”

During a press conference in The White House earlier today, President Donald Trump was asked to comment on Musk’s findings.

“I don’t find that surprising. Lots of sickos on Sleepy Joe’s team,” Trump said. “I don’t really get this hentee stuff. Elon keeps trying to show me some videos. Not my style. I’ve seen a naked woman and an octopus together like that, and let me tell you, the girl doesn’t last that long. It wasn’t bad though. I always get hard watching something die in front of me.”

At press time, Barack Obama came forward claiming to be the first person to have a furry sex party in The Lincoln Bedroom simply stating “Good times”.

Microsoft’s Revolutionary AI Produces Sea of Thieves Season 15

Posted on by Dan Katz

TWYCROSS, United Kingdom — Just a day after announcing its revolutionary new video game generative AI model “Muse,” Microsoft owned studio Rare has used it to produce Sea of Thieves Season 15: Wild Things.

“Muse is already proving to be the best thing to come to Sea of Thieves since the Sovereign’s tent in Season 7,” said an excited Drew Stevens, Production Director at Rare. “Season 14 was so buggy and lifeless that players already thought it was created by AI, so now that Muse is here we can truly show what AI can do and prove that it really has been our development team behind all the rubber-banding and hit reg issues.”

Popular Sea of Thieves streamer HitboTC, who had become so disillusioned with the game that he ventured off to try his hand at Star Citizen, the “Sea of Thieves of Space,” said he is giddy at the thought of everything generative AI could bring to the game.

“Whoa baby, the shenanigans in Season 15 are going to be amazing – MommaBear coming in with the 37-month Tier 1! You’re a legend! – and I can’t wait to get back out on the seas with my sloopington for some tucks and steals,” said a vibrating HitboTC, bouncing in his chair. “Just think…AI can create all sorts of new fish for this Hunter’s Call-focused season. Red ones, glowing ones, legendary ones, even fish that don’t look like fish at all. And then we can catch them and sell them and catch them and sell them and grind, grind, grind, for the next cosmetic!”

Fellow streamer PhuzzyBond, known for his studious approach to Sea of Thieves, explained that he is looking forward to “sciencing” the new generative AI creations.

“I plan to devote an entire stream to determining if our distance from an island affects which new fish are generated and what percentage of them look like absolute garbage,” Phuzzy explained after taking a moment to tend to his hydroponic garden. “It might be hard to tell the difference because the game’s graphics look like they were made in Midjourney v1, but I am nothing if not thorough. In the end, though, everything is pointless,” he added. “It’s all a never-ending cycle of trying to earn the next ‘thing,’ but at least AI is here now to generate a new megalodon upon which we can all fixate for a week.”

At press time, players are still unable to get into the game because Muse siphoned too much power from the Sea of Thieves servers.

American Democracy Ending Explained

Posted on by Kate Danvers

American democracy looks like it’s coming to an end, and many questions still hang in the air about the fate of America and the broader America Centric Universe (ACU). The Republican plan to control the government has been in the works for many years, with gerrymandering, voter suppression, and mass disinformation campaigns paving the way for a second Trump presidency, but how do all of these elements lead up to the ending?

American Democracy in a Nutshell

America has had some form of democracy for hundreds of years, with the New England Colonies having elections as far back as the early 17th century. In most cases, citizens vote on issues or candidates to represent them. Over the years, there have been many plots to subvert democracy through elected officials acting against the will of the people, redistricting to ensure that opposing parties don’t have the numbers for state representation, and democracy’s toughest foe: the electoral college.

The 15th amendment, 19th amendment, and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 looked to combat some of the threats by introducing new voters and securing their right to vote, bringing equality to the process. All three have managed to stick around so far despite the best efforts of certain states and political parties.

Recent moves in the ACU have seen takeovers of local governments, poorly disguised voter suppression, and sowing doubt in the election system itself in a bid for power. That seems to have finally paid off with the ACU’s main villain seizing control of America. At this point, the plan goes into effect.

What is The Purge?

Popularized by the 2013 film, The Purge allows you to steal things and get rid of people you don’t like by making it legal for one day out of the year. Unlike the fictional version, the real life version still adheres to most of the laws of the land. Average citizens can’t steal, murder, or commit other crimes, but corporations, politicians, and wealthy people can. Though they did keep that one rule from the film that says you can’t harm government officials.

The real life Purge is a little more nuanced. Firing many government workers, taking control of key sectors, revoking security clearances, revoking citizenship, and writing “nuh-uh” in the margins of science textbooks. In moments, President Trump can eliminate the progressive half of the government with the stroke of a pen. It’s like the Infinity Gauntlet but with paperwork instead of magic gems.

How does American Democracy End?

With the deadly alliance of Elon Musk and Donald Trump in control of the White House and most of the public sector, things are looking pretty grim for the heroes. The duo make ready to enact their ultimate plan of turning America into an oligarchy, plutocracy, or kleptocracy (the plot isn’t really clear) and set their sights on the broader world.

At the last possible moment, the doors of the Capitol open and one by one, the Democrats make their way onto the battlefield. Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer lead the charge, followed by Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, and in a shocking crossover from the independent party, Bernie Sanders! They’re followed by every House and Senate Democrat until they’re all assembled on the steps. It’s a tense moment, the music briefly fades out before a close-up on Chuck Schumer as he says the line we’re all waiting for…

“Only you can stop this! Donate now!”

Chaos ensues as the Democrats kind of meander about on the Capitol steps, writing stern posts on Bluesky and Twitter, before just kind of wandering off.

In the Oval Office, Trump signs his name to the last executive order as Elon stands behind him doing that dorky jumping ‘X’ pose.

What happens next in the ACU?

Things look pretty bad. Republicans are in control of everything, no one with any kind of power stands to oppose them, and some dork named Big Balls is withholding your dad’s Social Security check. A post-credits scene teases the return of Nancy Pelosi, but most fans expect her to do precisely what she did before – nothing.

What’s left of the courts might put forward some kind of resistance, but they’ll need backing and leadership. Trump is a known abuser of the anti-everything shield, so any legal action taken against him will need to find a way around that. One thing is certain though, American Democracy will never be the same.

Although it remains to be seen if the ACU will ever regain the cultural relevance it once had as Donald Trump’s approval rating currently sits at 46.6% with an audience score of 25%.