The Game Awards: Everything You Need to Know When Preparing to Argue Online

Posted on by Daniel Rauter

With less than a month for The Game Awards, it is time to finally get deep in the heated arguments on all your favorite social media platforms. But since making people pissed online is a much harder job than it seems, we’ve compiled all the useful stuff you need to utterly defeat your online opponents. So let’s get to it!

The Date and Time

The event is going to happen on December 7th, starting at 7:30pm ET / 4:30pm PT. You can start arguing right now though!

Where to Watch

You can watch the event across all major streaming services, such as Twitch and Youtube, but remember to start posting those mean comments as soon as the event starts so you enjoy it to the fullest!

Is Will Smith Banned From the Event?

No. But Will might do anything for his dying relationship, so security has been tightened this year.

What Games Made It And What Games Didn’t

Check which games didn’t make it as those are the fans you can argue with the most. You can check the full list online and use it as a sort of targeting list for our online hate.

Was Hideo Kojima Invited?

Famous video game director Hideo Kojima was invited and he will show up, but will have to leave earlier because there is a movie he wants to watch and review.

Will The Game Awards Orchestra Return?

Yes! It was confirmed that the beloved Orchestra will be playing songs from several games that were nominated. And not play songs from several other games that people will surely complain about, so you better look forward to that.

You Can Now Sleep Through All Esports-Related Awards

An alarm will sound when all of those end so people can wake up and pretend they care about video game awards again.

Atlus Has Been Banned From Showing Anything

They might just accidentally leak something and it is better to be safe than sorry. Related: Atlus Somehow Leaks GTA 6 Trailer Early

Will the Bill Clinton Kid Return?

He will be disguised in the event like Agent 47. Try to spot him in the crowd, because I’m sure security will be trying to do the same.

Who is the Host of the Event?

There is only a single man at fault for this entire thing, and he should be held responsible. Geoff Keighley, if you’re reading this, Minecraft Legends should absolutely be a Game of the Year nomination and I will cry if you don’t change it. Please I told all my friends that it was the best game ever, you can’t do that to me, pretty please.

No Silksong News

But there will be a Fortnite x Grubhub collab this time! Isn’t that nice?

Email Left Unread as Reminder to Read It

Posted on by Cathy Herbert

VANCOUVER — An email containing semi-important instructions regarding a workplace social event has entered its third unread day in the inbox of lab technician Carl Frumber. Frumber, who received the email on Friday, opted to leave it unread to ensure he would not forget about its existence.

“It was a really long week of sampling and I knew that if I read the email right then I might not even remember reading it, let alone what was in it,” said Frumber of the thoughtful RSVP reminder from his coworker Jan who heads up the party planning committee. “I could see by the subject line that it’s about the holiday party which is still weeks away so I have lots of time to open it.”

Jan Harland, the email’s sender spent the weekend compiling and categorizing answers from the other 134 employees of Fraser Labs in order to ensure the annual holiday party is enjoyable for all in attendance.

“Of course the sooner I get answers the better, what with it being a very busy time of year for caterers,” said Harland. “But checking emails is a labor-intensive process. I understand that after deleting the company newsletter and forwarding a question from accounting to your supervisor, not everyone is going to have the energy left to open up a calendar app on the same phone they’re using to read the email and check if they’re free on December 17th.”

Frumber left the email unread in the hopes that the bold font of an unopened subject line would make it stand out to him on subsequent checks, thus jogging his memory. But since Friday he has received several more messages, pushing Harland’s lower down the list to a position which would require scrolling in order for it to be seen. According to Frumber, these were emails he sent to himself containing backup copies of his novel.

“As an entry-level tech, I don’t get a whole lot of emails, so my work account is a great place to back stuff up. I guess this science thing is rubbing off on my artistic side because I feel compelled to keep every version of my novel just in case I ever want to revert my edits. There’s about 20 gigs of psychological thriller stored in there.”

Harland has put her hopes into the follow up text she sent Frumber on Monday morning, for which she has received only a read receipt.

Starfield Nominated for “Most Deserving of a 7/10” Category at the Game Awards

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

ROCKVILLE – Starfield, the first new IP Bethesda Softworks in over 20years, looks to be the game to beat in the “Most Deserving of a 7/10” category at The Game Awards.

“This is what it was all for,” Todd Howard, Starfield’s creative director, said when asked for a response to the nomination. “Starfield is our most advanced game to date, requiring more loading screens to fast travel between destinations than any other game we’ve ever produced, and an indecipherable starmap I’m sure one of our fantastic people in the modding community will fix any day now.”

Phil Spencer himself weighed in on the nomination.

“This is definitely worth the $7.5 billion we paid to acquire Bethesda,” The Xbox chief said. “With Starfield, Todd and the team at Bethesda have released a game of the totally serviceable quality our fans have come to expect from Xbox. Like Momma Spencer used to say ‘Cs get degrees!’.”

“When it comes to milking their fanbase for all they’re worth, and seeing how much they will put up with, nobody does it quite like the team at Bethesda,” Spencer added. “It’s those kind of qualities we’re hoping to impart on the rest of the studios we’ve acquired over the years.”

Pete Hines, former senior vice president of global marketing & communications who left Bethesda shortly after Starfield’s launch to become a fulltime Redfall streamer, offered his input.

“I couldn’t be more proud to have contributed to something people will be buying re-releases of for the next 10 years. Speaking of the next 10 years, I need to get back to streaming Redfall.”

Fans were sounding off on the r/Starfield subreddit to celebrate the nomination as well.

u/SkoomaKid said, “Name another studio capable of putting out such a high budget middling product. I’ll wait.”

At press time, Todd Howard was seen leading his team in a chant of. “Who are we? Bethesda! Who are we gonna beat? Sonic Superstars!”

“It’s Really a Must-Play,” Says Fan of Japan-Only PSP Game With No Fan Translation

Posted on by CJ Clement

KANSAS CITY — The city’s biggest JRPG enthusiast, Greg Motlin, has been pestering everyone he even slightly knows about what he describes as the ultimate hidden gem.

“It’s a really transformative experience. Seeing the protagonist, whose name I don’t know how to read, say goodbye to what I think is his sister but might actually be his best friend, hit me with such a whirlwind of emotions,” Motlin said during our interview. “It’s moments like this that make Inverted Fantasia Xth Symphony: Purgatory Over Death such a masterpiece.”

Motlin then showed off some gameplay and attempted to describe how the combat worked based on his time with the game as well as the in-game terms he’d run through Google Translate..

“So this green meter is your soul gauge, and that increases with every attack. Once it’s maxed out, you can activate your Hyperion Shift, where the protagonist uses the power of his half-phantasmal soul to augment his attacks with one of fourteen different damage types,” explained Motlin as he gestured wildly at the screen. “First is physical, then there’s magic, and then there’s heavy, which lowers the enemy’s defense by 27%. If you combine that with the royal damage type, you can set up this crazy combo that deals a huge chunk of damage.”

One of Motlin’s Discord friends, a user by the name of EepyDinosaur, provided their opinion on his latest recommendation.

“I mean, it looks alright,” EepyDinosaur said. “I’ve never been afraid to try out niche titles, but even I have limits. Even if we put aside the language barrier, nobody in our server has been able to get the emulation to work. Apparently he’s been playing a physical copy on a Japanese PSP, so he’s no help in that regard.”

“Besides, I’m a little busy with other niche JRPGs at the moment,” EepyDinosaur added. “Right now I’m playing this really obscure game called Shin Megami Tensei, and oh man, did you know you can turn your dog into a demon? So cool.”

Attempts were made to contact the game’s director, Takashima Yukio, for comment. However, after extensive digging through public records, Hard Drive was unable to verify if he even exists.

Top 10 Games for Kingdom Hearts Fans Looking for Fresh Incomprehensible Stories

Posted on by Ben C

Have you ever been playing Kingdom Hearts and gotten bored trying to save Goofy from the dark manifestations of his past or whatever? No worries! Here’s some more games where you are almost guaranteed to have absolutely no idea what’s going on!

1) Warhammer 40k

I should probably specify a specific game here but I really don’t need to. Pick any game in the Warhammer universe at random, and I guarantee you’ll be so inundated with proper nouns within the first 20 minutes that you’re gonna feel like a Xenoid that fell into a Grolot pit (that may or may not be a Warhammer 40k reference, but you probably aren’t able to tell, and that’s kinda the point).

2) Warframe

So I’m a robot? Oh wait no, I’m a kid controlling a robot? And now there’s a future version of me here. But he’s not really future me. And there’s a creepy laughing man in a wall. And a space mom. And giant floating thumbs everywhere and… you know what I’m just gonna shoot stuff.

3) Crysis

Yes, you remember all the memes about what can and can’t run Crysis. But tell me, even if you played the series, can you remember a single memorable plot point or villain outside of the fact that North Korea exists and aliens are doing stuff? No? That’s what I thought.

4) Destiny

Hard to believe it’s been almost a decade since Destiny released and subsequently ruined every game it came into contact with by turning them into retched clones of itself. Current Destiny fans will tell you that the story has gotten better in the past few years, but the line “I don’t even have time to explain why I don’t have time to explain” has been a meme this long for a reason. You don’t get points for putting all the interesting parts of your narrative into digital playing cards.

5) Metal Gear Solid

Did you know that there are at least 4 characters in the Metal Gear Solid series named Snake? Because confiscate my gamer license, but I sure didn’t until like a week ago. I assumed Solid Snake was just like, a guy. So maybe a hyper-casual fan like myself has no place in this conversation. But still, I think you lose a bit of credibility in your narrative when you have scenes of wounded child soldiers about twenty seconds away from a genetically engineered female sniper doing sexy poses in a bikini top.

6) Resident Evil

The T virus. The G virus. Boulder punching. Great hair. The Resident Evil Series has been the gaming world’s poster child for weird convoluted plots since the first entry released in 1996, and all the tall sexy vampire ladies in the world aren’t going to change that.

7) Literally anything SWERY has ever touched

Some have called SWERY the poor man’s Kojima. I wouldn’t, because that’s rude, but I understand the reasoning. While Kokima’s brand of weird is ultimately in the service of powerful (or at least interesting) themes and ideas, SWERY’s brand of weird is just… weird. Please don’t think that by weird I mean bad, because SWERY has been responsible for some of the most strangely compelling gaming moments I’ve ever experienced. But good luck trying to pull a comprehensible narrative out of something like D4 (‘Dark Dreams Don’t Die’); a game in which the protagonist attempts to solve his wife’s murder with his only evidence being her last words: “Look for D”. There’s an obvious joke in there somewhere, go ahead and laugh at it if you can figure it out.

8) Tekken

Ok, full disclosure: I knew almost nothing about Tekken except that there’s a buff grandpa, a buff cheetah man, and a panda who I’m sure has a great personality. So I thought I might have been unfair in thinking that the series had a dumb plot just based on my initial appraisal.

Nope.

Tekken’s plot is, even by the standards of fighting games, batshit insane. To be fair though, there is a lot of charm in suplexing CEOs in order to execute quite literal hostile takeovers.

9) Balan Wonderworld

Did you know this game has a supplemental novel? Like, an actual book with words and pages and stuff? There’s a review of it on Amazon that says it is the best book the reviewer has ever read. Crazy. Anyway it’s probably bad and the game makes no sense.

10) The Quiet Man

Be honest, you’ve never played this game. You may have never even heard of it. I could write literally anything here, and you’d never know if I was being accurate. I could tell you it’s about a deaf guy punching drug dealers while fighting a manifestation of his childhood imaginary friend in order to avenge his dead mother, and you’d have no idea if I’m lying to you or not. That is, in the broadest possible terms, the actual plot; but you had no idea. And be honest with yourself, you’re not going to check.

We Asked the CIA Predator Drone Hovering Above Our House to Help Us Film Viral “Bin Laden Dance”

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

LOS ANGELES — In an unprecedented potential crossover between the United State’s vast military might and viral TikTok dances, we have approached the CIA Predator drone circling our home to help film our “Bin Laden Dance” TikTok video, sources with their finger on the trigger and ready to do what ultimately needs to be done confirmed.

“It was just circling around and around, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s a good angle so why not?'” said Hard Drive’s 17-year-old Jenna Marquez. “So we flashed our phone screens at it and mimed a camera. Next thing we know, it’s adjusting its angle for a better shot!”

We are proud to report that the drone seemed eager to participate once it understood the assignment, facing directly toward us as we danced.

“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location with the tension in his voice steadily rising. “Weapons ready! Permission to engage, SIR!?”

Hard Drive’s Kevin Francis, 18, said the idea for the dance had come about after we had seen other Tiktoker’s referencing Osama bin Laden’s now-viral ‘Letter to America.”

“I personally still believe they just hate us for our freedom,” said Francis. “But man these girls are hot and if they want to collab that will do big numbers for me.”

At press time, Hard Drive’s staff was seen enthusiastically cheering on what we believed to be a red “recording on” light on the weapons system of the drone.

Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Guide: SMG Longshot Distance

Posted on by Noah Hunter

Longshot distances are a key part of challenges in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. Each class has a different distance that needs to be met in order to be considered a longshot. Therefore, SMGs are no different. These fast-firing weapons are great for short distances but can be tricky to nail down enemies far away. We’ve compiled all you need to know about the SMG longshot distance in MW3. 

SMG Longshot Distance for MW3SMG Longshot Guide MW3

The current kill distance required for an SMG kill to be considered a longshot in MW3 is 30 meters. This is quite far away if you think about it. Generally, like shotguns, SMGs are used for encounters less than 20 meters. For enemies further than that, you tend to rely on weapons like an Assault Rifle or even a Sniper Rifle.

The easiest method to use for SMGs is to find a blind spot on the map with a long stretch and stay there. This way, you’ll be able to scope in on enemies immediately from a distance. Additionally, we do recommend tuning your SMG with a suitable Optic attachment. With this, you will have the best chance to earn longshots.

Tips for SMG Longshots

First off, you should look to get into either Ground War or Team Deathmatch. Both of these modes last a good amount of time and should give you plenty of opportunities to take out opponents from a distance. With TDM, look for smaller maps. MW3 lets you vote on maps prior to each round, so take advantage of that feature before each game to choose smaller maps.

As for Ground War, we can’t recommend this mode enough for longshots. It takes place as an all-out brawl on larger maps, giving you countless opportunities for long-distance shooting. For longshots, this is essential. While you can find success in either of these modes, it ultimately depends on what you feel most comfortable with. Completing longshot challenges is difficult, so take your time and find what works best for you.

Another great way to ensure you’re set up for longshots is tuning your aim assist settings. Learn what aim assist settings are best for controller users!

Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Guide: Shotgun Longshot Distance

Posted on by Noah Hunter

The shotgun might be one of the trickiest classes to handle in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. Although it excels at short-range combat, what happens when you need to kill at long-range? This comes into play when needing longshot kills with a shotgun in MW3, which will be required to earn certain camos. 

There are plenty of methods to use to make the most out of each match when you’re looking for longshots. Here is everything you need to know about the Shotgun class longshots in MW3. 

Shotgun Class Longshot Distance in MW3Shotgun Call of Duty MW3 Longshot Distance Guide

The distance needed for a shotgun kill to qualify as a longshot is over 12.5 meters. While this doesn’t seem that far compared to other longshot distances like the launcher, it’s not easy with a shotgun. Naturally, you’ll need to focus on tuning your weapon to focus on range rather than explosiveness. That firepower isn’t needed, considering these shots are not close-range. Additionally, it could be worth it to implement a laser or optic attachment to your shotgun for better accuracy and precision. 

Best Shotguns to Use for Longshots

First, we do not recommend using an auto-shotgun for these kills. While they have more ammo than traditional shotguns, the range cannot come close to that of the Bryson 800 or similar. The best shotguns to use for long-distance are the Lockwood 300, Bryson 800, or the Lockwood 680. These are all semi-automatic shotguns that have plenty of room for growth with range. 

As for the best modes with shotguns, we recommend Team Deathmatch or similar. This will grant you access to smaller maps, like Rust, where you can easily pull off longshot shotgun kills. Other modes like Ground War are too big for this weapon, as they are more positioned for long-ranged combat with weapons like a Sniper Rifle. The shotgun class is great to use with slide kills, which can open up a new textbook of plays for you to use when grinding for longshots.

Man Fears Newly Built Mechanical Keyboard Not Leading to a Better Him

Posted on by Spencer Revoy

DAVENPORT, IA — Found hunched over his desk at the conclusion of the work week, local mechanical keyboard enthusiast Jared Stengler suspects that his newly built keyboard may not be leading to a more productive or fundamentally better version of himself.

“I don’t understand at all,” laments Stengler, staring unblinkingly as a wave of rainbow RGB lighting sweeps across his keyboard while he idly strikes the H key. “I spent three months and way more money than I thought was actually possible on this keyboard. I bought a custom CNC frame and PCB board. I went in on a group buy on Drop for some switches that took four months to arrive that I then spent hours re-lubing myself. Do you even know what any of that means? It looks so long to get this ‘thock’, do you even hear it? Listen!” Stengler then strikes the H key repeatedly with great intensity before sighing deeply.

According to reporters on the scene Stengler then made a sudden move to his phone, pulling up his Instagram feed full of professional photography accounts displaying lavish, conspicuously arranged model offices drenched in neon lighting, commonly known online as “pc setup p*rn”.

“Have you ever heard of Royalty RGB? Totally coordinated, clean, this guy even has a wall-mounted, brushed aluminum rack for all his keyboards! Look at those acoustic panels behind his setup. You know his life is perfect, I can’t even imagine how much stuff he gets done with those six monitors. Why can’t my life be like that?”

His mother, Bernice Stengler having observed the entire construction process and its aftermath as it unfolded in her in-law suite, offered a mixed assessment.

“You know at first it was so lovely, Jarry had that bounce in his step like he was ten years old playing with legos again! When I stepped on one of his little plastic keys the mix of foot pain and Jarry screaming at me to ‘get out mom’ was like being brought back to 2008. He really was my little man again.”

Unfortunately, the process seems to have taken a toll on the entire household.

“Well it’s none of my business but him and his girlfriend have been fighting every day lately,” Said Mrs. Stengler. “He seems a bit down in the dumps ever since he finished his little project. I’m not sure why, it’s very pretty with all the rainbows and the noise it makes is extremely — what’s that word? Pocky? It sounds very pocky.”

Reached while packing her possessions in the Stengler family in-law suite, Stengler’s now ex-girlfriend, Missy Dupont gave a more blunt series of criticisms of the endeavour.

“Eight-hundred and sixty-seven dollars and forty-four cents. That’s how much f****** money he spent on that stupid f****** keyboard. We were saving for an anniversary trip, did he tell you that? Did he tell you he used my credit card to buy four switch testers? I still don’t know what the f*** they are but I know they cost me a hundred bucks. If I ever see him after this, I’m gonna thock him right in his c***. First it was the ‘vintage console modding’, then that ‘audiophile’ BS, and now this? I’m done.”

Though he acknowledges being more depressed than ever after building his keyboard, Stengler was later spotted leaving his local Amazon locker carrying a large box marked as containing a 3D printer.

Final Fantasy 13 Remaster Set to Feature Just One Hallway to Navigate

Posted on by KC Jones

In a bold move Square Enix has announced that the upcoming Final Fantasy 13 Remaster will expand on the linear gameplay that defined the original game by relegating the game’s setting to a single, unyielding hallway.

For years one of the defining elements of Final Fantasy 13 was the ability to explore expansive worlds filled with vast and unique hallways of all varieties, according to reports.

Fans of the 2010 release will fondly recall the beautifully rendered world of many hallways, tunnels, and corridors that guided our heroes through story beats with little room to explore. This time around, Square Enix is going even further, promising a single hallway experience.

According to lead designer Hikari Miyamoto, “We believe in preserving the essence of the original game. The concept of hallway gameplay is an integral part of Final Fantasy 13‘s identity, and we’ve distilled that experience into its purest, most essential form”

The remaster will reportedly feature upgraded hallway graphics, improved hallway NPCs, and enhanced hallway lighting effects. According to a press release, Square Enix aims to strike a balance between modernizing the game and preserving the distinctive hallway-centric gameplay that captivated players over a decade ago.

Miyamoto hinted at a few surprises awaiting players. “We’ve added some twists and turns to the hallway, along with a couple of extra doorways that lead to dead ends just to keep things interesting. It’s a subtle nod to the desire for more exploration while staying true to our vision.”

While some may have been hoping for an expanded world with more exploration opportunities, true fans will undoubtedly appreciate the unchanging corridor, eager to once again don the shoes of Lightning and company in an incredibly linear walk down memory lane.

Image via Tilting at Pixels.