Heartwarming: Players Camp Outside Spawn to Keep Henry Kissinger From Coming Back

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Shocking news Wednesday night as Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State and recipient of medals including Bloodthirsty, Merciless and Mega Kill, has died at the age of 100. Kissinger once thought of as someone with an unending killstreak numbering in the hundreds of thousands now has finally been defeated, and some players have made the ultimate sacrifice to make sure we never see another streak like his.

“We don’t want something like this to ever happen again,” said XxPu$$y$layerXx, one of the heroes who has taken it upon himself to camp outside of spawn to make sure Kissinger never returns. “That bastard seemed unstoppable for years, you’re talking about a guy who got 150,000 kills just in Cambodia alone. Not to mention half a million assists he got in Pakistan in the ‘70s.”

Kissinger was such a force to be reckoned with that he would often play for multiple teams, much of his success came from working alongside Richard Nixon or TrikkyDikky69, as many called him. However he also was a friend to former First Lady and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, also known as 2Nasty4U.

“What Can I say about Henry, dude was a machine. He helped me realize just how many noobs you could pwn with a single drone strike. I’ll miss him dearly,” she said while downing a Mtn Dew Kickstart.

All that being said it seems players won’t have anything to fear from Kissinger as long as these brave men stay at their post.

“We’re saving up all our care packages and we’ve got spy planes in the air constantly so he can’t sneak away from us,” GunD4ddy420 told us, “There’s really no way he gets through though, we’ve got claymores all over the place snipers camped out in every window surrounding the area, and we’ve really stocked up on monster energy, we’re not going nowhere and he neither is he.”

We can all rest easy knowing that these brave soldiers will keep us from facing his wrath ever again. It’s a good thing too because with his kill streak he could nuke everyone 50 times over.

Henry Kissinger Loses 100-Year Kill Streak

Posted on by Nik Theorin

Henry Kissinger, who was on an nearly unrivaled and murderous 100-year kill streak, has finally died, according to a report over voice chat.

“I almost had the nuke,” Kissinger said from hell. “I def dropped a lot of bombs and I guess I should be thankful for that, but I wanted the nuke bad.”

Hard Drive will continue to update this developing story, which we gave away prematurely – much like the Nobel Committee when they awarded Kissinger a peace prize for ending the Vietnam war before it was over.

Man Who Falls Asleep to Skyrim Soundtrack Every Night Wonders What His Spotify Wrapped Will Look Like

Posted on by Davis Gold

Berkeley, CA – Local Berkeley resident Graham Laroque reportedly has no idea what his Spotify Wrapped will look like this year, even though close sources claim that he falls asleep to the Skyrim soundtrack every single night.

“It’s really anyone’s guess,” said Laroque, who has spent over 75,000 minutes alone listening to “Skyrim Atmospheres” – just one of the songs from the larger album. “I’ve been getting into a bit of everything this year: Flume, Grouper, 100 Gecs, King Krule, SZA, just off the top of my head. It’s been a great year getting recommendations from friends and I’m excited to see what’s definitely going to be a very eclectic Spotify Wrapped.”

Laroque’s girlfriend, Meg Pollard, predicted that this will be the fourth year in a row that the critically acclaimed soundtrack will sweep the top spots of his most listened songs.

“Every year Graham gets his hopes up that he’s finally gonna have this curated playlist that shows off his varied music taste, and every year he’s shocked that the soundtrack he needs to listen to in order to fall asleep skews his listening data. He does actually listen to a lot of different artists and genres, but 7-8 hours of sleep every night for a year adds up. I’ve told him time and time again, ‘Babe, just because you’re asleep doesn’t mean Spotify stops tracking your songs,’ but he’s insistent that ‘it shouldn’t work like that.’ I don’t think object permanence is his strong suit but I still love him.”

Andrew Reynolds, a representative at Spotify, says that Laroque’s obliviousness isn’t uncommon.

“The classic sleep playlist surprise. We see it every year, especially with video game soundtracks. Skyrim is definitely up there for sure, along with other heavy hitters like Silent Hill 2, Minecraft, and Animal Crossing. According to our data, there’s also one guy who consistently falls asleep to the Doom (2016) soundtrack, so consider yourself warned if you’re in the market for a roommate.”

Even with Laroque’s Spotify Wrapped poised to reveal an ungodly amount of time spent listening to the Skyrim soundtrack, Pollard says she’s sure it’s a conservative estimate.

“That’s just the time that Graham’s spent listening on Spotify. When we’re working from home together in our living room, he always has a YouTube tab playing on his laptop – ‘Skyrim music and ambience – night [10 hours]’, ‘Autumn in Skyrim’, ‘Streets of Whiterun’, ‘Late Night in The Arcaneum Study Pomodoro Timer’. Honestly, I’m pretty confident that I could play ‘Secunda’ on the piano right now just based on how many times I’ve heard it at this point.

As of press time, a sharp, chill wind rattled against Laroque’s apartment window like the wintry call of a Siren, beckoning him to load a new Skyrim save file.

Super Mario RPG: How to Open the Sealed Door in Monstro Town

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

As you travel the regions of Super Mario RPG Remake, you will eventually come across a mysterious sealed door in Monstro Town. If you’ve been wondering how to get in there and uncover its secret boss within, this Super Mario RPG Remake guide will give you step by step instructions to complete the quest.

Get The Fireworks In Super Mario RPG Remake

Your journey begins in the Moleville Region in Moleville proper. From the starting point, make your way straight north up the stairs, past the five crates on the ground, and into the building. Once inside, speak to the Mole in green overalls and purchase the Fireworks for 500 coins; be careful not to accidentally purchase a second one, which is entirely possible to do.

How to Get The Shiny Stone In Super Mario RPG Remake

Right outside the store, go to the crates where you can barely make out a little Mole girl with a pink bow that wants to trade you for the Fireworks. Swap them for the Shiny Stone, and return to Monstro Town in the Land’s End Region.

Once you’ve arrived at the Sealed Door, simply interact with it to enter and begin your encounter with the secret boss, Culex!

That’s all you need to know about how to open the sealed door in Super Mario RPG to face your final challenge! Check out our guide on how to get the Signal Ring to find Hidden Treasures, as well as all our guides for the biggest release of November: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3.

Super Mario RPG Remake Signal Ring Location Guide

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Super Mario RPG Remake is here and brings back fond memories of its source video game from over 27 years ago. With a significant number of secrets and Hidden Treasures, the game offers up a special item that you can use to make finding them significantly easier. This Super Mario RPG Remake guide will walk you through acquiring the Signal Ring as well as using it for the first time to uncover a Hidden Treasure.

Where to Get the Signal Ring in Super Mario RPG Remake

Begin in the Mushroom Kingdom Region and navigate your way to the Mushroom Kingdom itself. Next, head for the Item Shop and use the stairs on the right to descend into the basement. Speak to the old Toad down here and follow their instructions, which will lead to revealing the hidden chest. Jump again to crack it open and receive the Signal Ring.

How to Use the Signal Ring in Super Mario RPG Remake

The Signal Ring must be equipped from the Equip screen in order for it to alert you about Hidden Treasures. Once in proximity to a secret chest, the tip “There’s a Hidden Treasure nearby!” will appear on screen as seen above. Your first Hidden Treasure is right here in this basement.

Wait for the old Toad to get on their patrol route in the room, and then jump atop their head. Right near the wall, jump once to reveal the Hidden Treasure, and a second time to collect it.

Next, check out our guide on getting through the sealed door in Monstro Town, as well as our guide hub for the biggest release of November: Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. Or just keep scrolling to read our most viral content!

Former Man’s Playthrough of Celeste One of Her Most Important Life Experiences

Posted on by Ouro M

21-year-old Genevieve DeSola never expected the little indie darling she bought in 2018 to fundamentally change her personhood.

“At first,” she began sheepishly over our Discord call interview, “It was just a speed game, y’know? Just came out, everyone was talking about how good it was, how great of a run it was. People were figuring out secrets ‘n shit, digging around, seeing what worked and what didn’t. Everyone was talking. It was, like, a burgeoning community.”

At the time of Celeste’s release, Genevieve (known to her friends as Genny) was going by her birth name, and still identified as male. She had always felt closer to the girls in her highschool, but was often ostracized by those around her for her niche interests, such as speedrunning, which she found much solace in. She recalls one of her first speed games being Super Meat Boy, another difficult movement platformer.

“I never really paid attention to the story. Just sorta mashed through the levels, trying to unlock ‘em all so I could practice on them. But then the weirdest thing happened one night. My computer’s hard drive got fucked, and I had no clue about cloud saves at the time. Think I just turned them off at some point.” she recalled to us with a chuckle. “Stupid in hindsight.”

“But, anyway,” she continued, “I had to start from the very beginning. I was fucking pissed, but after sleeping on it, I decided to actually, like, listen to the story this time. That’s when shit started clicking.”

One of the aspects of Celeste’s story is that many of the themes are allegories to the transgender experience; the very mountain the player climbs is, in one part, an allegory for the creator, Maddy Thorson’s journey to accept her own trans identity over the game’s development.

Genevieve saw herself in that.

“The main character, like, carries all this shit with her on the climb. Doesn’t see herself in the mirror, just all her shame and what she hates about herself. I felt that, but I didn’t know why. Then the creator herself came out in 2019, ‘n talked about how she felt the same things as I did. It’s hard to explain.”

After that, Genevieve began browsing transgender subreddits, and listening to other people’s experiences of also realizing they were trans because of Celeste. Then, in 2020, she came out as a trans woman, and began HRT in 2021.

She ended our interview with a message to all the other ‘eggs’ in the gaming scene:

“Sometimes, a game’s gonna hit you in a way you don’t know how to feel about. And sometimes, you gotta sit with those feelings. Don’t push them to the back or ignore them ‘cause they make you feel weird. The weird feelings are usually the truest.”

Lethal Company Employees Honor Fallen Coworker by Pulling His Dental Crowns for Valuable Scrap

Posted on by Traye Holland

SPACE — After the tragic loss of their coworker Steve, employees at the Company from the indie surprise hit game Lethal Company honored him the best way they knew how– by pulling his dental crowns to sell as scrap.

“I worked with Stephen for three weeks, which is a long time at the Company,” said Bob, Steve’s crewmate and coworker. “I would say it’s shocking that he’s gone, but I mean, they don’t call it ‘Lethal Company’ for nothing. Great guy. Always dancing. He loved to run around and point at everything he saw. Creatures, scrap, rocks, us, whatever. I think he just liked the act of pointing over anything else. In the end that’s what did him in. He was pointing at a Bracken. Everyone knows you look, then look away. Look, then look away. But he just had to keep pointing. I tried to get his attention but by then it was too late. The thing snapped his neck and dragged him off.”

Steve’s coworkers immediately went about the business of retrieving his body.

“Yeah, getting Stan back was a real pain,” said Steve’s other coworker, Mary. “Bracken drug his dead ass as far away from the exit as it could. Almost got my own neck snapped in the process. Had to drop this really nice lamp just to be able to pick him up, too. The Company charges us for missing coworkers as loss of company property, so we had to get him.”

Steve’s coworkers brought his body to their ship, where they proceeded to yank the dental crowns from his teeth in order to sell them as scrap.

“Look, we were one day out from the deadline to meet our quota,” said Jeff, Steve’s third and final coworker. “It was getting late, so we couldn’t go back in. We had to do something, and I remembered Stuart talking about this dentist appointment he had to go to a couple days before, so we dug out those crowns before the rigor mortis sealed his jaw shut. It’s what he would have wanted, I’m sure. Scrap is the nature of the business, after all.”

Steve’s body was brought back to the Company, and his coworkers (barely) made their quota. Upon following up with Steve’s coworkers, they were in good spirits, as a new employee had taken Steve’s place.

“He’s got a glass eye and a gold tooth,” said Mary, happily. “We send him to check if the turrets are still active. They always are. Maybe this time we’ll be able to get a shower. No, I don’t know what his name is.”

Diablo 4 Malignant Heart Guide: How to Farm Malignant Hearts

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Malignant Hearts have renewed utility in Diablo 4 Season 2 aka the Season of the Malignant. If you’d like some tips to farm them quickly and efficiently in this latest season, read our Diablo IV guide below to learn how.

What Are Malignant Hearts In Diablo 4 Season 2?

Malignant Hearts are one of four Malignant Body Parts required to summon the Echo of Varshan boss in World Tier 4. While the other body parts will drop on World Tier 3, the Malignant Hearts themselves are exclusive to World Tier 4. While you gather these parts, it may be helpful to know how to level up faster so you can be prepared to fight the Echo of Varshan.

Malignant Elites In D4

Killing Grotesque Debtors will randomly drop Malignant Body Parts, while performing Grim Favors for the Tree of Whispers. Any event that will gain you Grim Favors can potentially spawn up to three of these malignant elites to drop malignant parts. Be sure to linger in the area for a few seconds after the event ends so as not to miss out on their spawn. Glance at your mini-map and if you notice an icon flashing near you, that is an indicator of an inbound elite spawn. Note that each player in the vicinity of the PvE events has a chance to spawn these malignant elites, making co-op a viable farming strategy to boost your Grotesque Debtor spawn chances.

World Boss and Legion Events are your best bet to spawn Grotesque Debtors, but they have been seen in Helltides as well. Clusters of Blood Harvest events are easy to complete, and their proximity to each other will let you fill your Grim Favors bar quickly. PvP events are also a source for both Grim Favors and Grotesque Debtors but your patience with other players may wear thin.

If you miss a Malignant Body Part drop on the ground, don’t fret–you’ll find them safely tucked away in your Stash under missed equipment.

The Tree of Whispers And Grim Favors: How to Get Malignant Hearts

Turning in ten Grim Favors at The Tree of Whispers will net you a guaranteed Malignant Body Part in the cache as well. Besides the aforementioned events, Whisper Dungeons are a great way to quickly and reliably acquire five Grim Favors, thus filling half the bar towards your next cache claim. Ultimately, the Heart drops themselves are heavily RNG-based.

While Malignant Hearts can be used as a crafting material at the Alchemist to produce the remaining Malignant Body Parts in case of a deficit of a specific part, it is not recommended you do so, considering just how severe the drop rate for Malignant Hearts can be at this time.

Swap Characters to Get Extra Diablo 4 Malignant Hearts

The Tree of Whispers events are character-bound, not account-bound, so if you have one or more leveled alts available, you can attempt more malignant material farming runs with them while waiting on the timers to reset.

Check out our collection of guides for Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 to make your grind in another big 2023 game easier!

11 Games to Play For People Who Just Need A Win Today

Posted on by HG Punk

Maybe the big day didn’t go as planned. Maybe that bill was a hundred bucks more than was budgeted. Maybe you just flat out woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Either you can listen to Pinkerton and cry in the shower all day, or you can play one of these games and bottle up those feelings for some other time. There’s always something for every sad, poor sap out there who just needs a win today.

#1 — Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Just getting this one out first, as I don’t think anyone needs to be told how relaxing this game is. Everyone and their mother plays it. Literally– you can probably call your mom up right now and visit her island for some family bonding. On your personal island, all debts are without interest and the landlord is your best friend. Why not go to the shore and fish, talk to your favorite cuddly villagers, or place a giant golden statue of yourself in the middle of the town square? Even neighbors can be evicted left and right at the hint of an inconvenience and replaced with whoever fits your fursona the closest. Displacing critters from their homes might just be that positive boost you really needed today.

#2 — Peggle

Though its legacy now exists solely in the form of a PopCap developer jumping for joy at its mention, Peggle is a truly easy-to-learn, hard-to-master classic. Think Plinko without hearing a little Drew Carey in your ear telling you how much you suck when you get the worst outcome. Watching your ball gracefully bounce around the pegs can feel just as much like a baby’s sensory video as it does a video game. For a pro-tip, when replaying through levels, pick Master Hu and save the green pegs until you’ve gotten a good number of orange ones down. With that, the computer will perform a play for you that’ll feel like you hit ten buzzer-beaters in a row. And that’s gonna feel great.

#3 — Murder By Numbers

There’s something so soothing about Picross, a puzzle game that feels like it was taken straight out of a New York Times puzzle book. Start with a grid, fill it out according to numbers on the sides, and end up with a colored picture that looks absolutely nothing like what you started with five seconds ago. Combining that gameplay with all the crime drama and quirky characters of the Ace Attorney series brings something that nobody knew they wanted. With a team previously known for Hatoful Boyfriend and Fall Guys, the game is sure to charm you to death and ease your weary mind.

#4 — Danganronpa S: Ultimate Summer Camp

Danganronpa? The series where a bunch of young adults are forced to kill each other? Not in this game! Summer Camp has all the lovable characters of the original three games without any of the graphic details or tragic character deaths. The gacha-adjacent gameplay is more of a sideshow compared to what you can see happen when various characters from the franchise connect. The game will have some spoilers for the original series though, so if you plan on checking it out, you’re just going to have to brave through the Pepto Bismol-colored blood first. Give it just a few rounds and you’ll be feeling right as rain again.

#5 — Mortal Kombat 1

Okay, maybe sometimes buckets of blood really are what someone needs to cool down. In that case, there’s no better franchise to test your might than Mortal Kombat. The newest entry is faster and more responsive to control than ever before. Fight your friends or play a story mode that’ll leave any player wondering just how they’ll top it with something even more ridiculous that’ll force yet another reboot. Just don’t go online though, because other players will treat you as if you were the biggest Street Fighter fan in the world and you’ll be left feeling even worse.

#6 — SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom – Rehydrated

Whether you want to be taken to the world of one of the most beloved cartoons of all time or just want a fun platformer, Battle for Bikini Bottom simply cannot be beat. For the most satisfying experience, try playing as Sandy whenever possible to easily glide over platforms with her rope. It’s cheap, but it feels good, fuck it. In a time where licensed games were dumped out with no care for quality or longevity, there’s a reason this game was “Rehydrated” nearly twenty years after its original outing. Still, the people thirst for a remake of The Spongebob Squarepants Movie– or at least this Old Man Jenkins does.

#7 — Here Comes Niko!

Chilling out and taking it easy is the entire point of this comfy platforming game. Play as Niko as they run around helping everyone in need on the quest to become a Professional Friend, the kind of job we’d all have if reality wasn’t so cruel. Beyond the relaxing atmosphere, it’s also a great sight for sore eyes with a mix of 3D backgrounds, 2D characters and enough pastels to give it the look of one big subtextual pride rally. A fair warning before playing, though – while the game never pulls a complete 180 turn, there are some family issues bubbling under the surface that may make it less comfortable. Still great escapism though, just like you needed today.

#8 — The Jackbox Party Pack series

In a world where advances in technology means nobody has to pretend to like Monopoly anymore, the Jackbox Party Pack reigns supreme in internet get-togethers. With games in the double digits and a gate of entry so accessible that anyone that can read this article can play it, it’s a quick and simple way to cheer up some friends. If you’re playing in-person, Fakin’ It from the third pack plays out like a sped-up game of Werewolf without having to hear about sus memes over and over again. Online players are sure to dig Fibbage: Enough About You, which appears in multiple packs as a way to get friends to divulge that information that you’d never find in #general. Just don’t be the buzzkill who picks Trivia Murder Party over and over again or you’ll have to go back to Monopoly.

#9 — Teardown

Teardown is the opposite of a sandbox game – instead of building whatever your brain can think up, you instead seek to destroy everything your heart desires. With the game’s voxel aesthetic, committing acts of blatant terrorism can be beautiful sights reminiscent of giant Lego structures falling apart. Nothing feels more satisfying than watching that giant building you hacked the legs off of smash into other giant buildings like dominoes. While the game has just recently made its way to home consoles, it’s the PC version that really gives it that extra oomph, with customizable structures and weapons through the Steam Workshop. You’ll be left feeling more than “oddly satisfied” by the end of it.

#10 — Team Fortress 2

No matter what your favorite shooter of the past generation is, it definitely peeked a little bit at TF2’s homework. What makes this game so fun is that it’s not just about a bunch of interchangeable characters pointing and shooting for the highest score. Working in a team may lead to flashbacks of the worst Apex memories, but the end goals are so simple to understand that a team can function without anyone ever using the voice chat function. A plethora of both PvP and PvE modes are capped off by having every single class have a personality that makes it no wonder they’re some of the most celebrated characters in the history of gaming. The good times will come calling back to you again, and there’s nothing wrong with indulging in a little nostalgic good feelings every now and then.

#11 — Little Inferno

What’s getting cozy without sitting yourself in front of the fireplace? The core gameplay of seeing what reactions are made when things burn together can be an extremely satisfactory experience. Eventually the fire will give way to a short but hectic story that won’t be what anyone expects going in. Truly the best way to both calm down and give into your primordial desire for chaos. And what can distract you more from life’s problems than watching it all go up in flames? Now that’s a win if I’ve ever heard one.

Among Us Indie Update to Include Dave the Diver as Impostor

Posted on by HG Punk

REDMOND – As part of their celebration of indie games, Among Us developers Innersloth have announced that smash hit Dave the Diver will have a costume in their game, but only when playing as the Impostor.

“In a field full of indie classics, we think the game really sticks out as a great pretender,“ explained developer PuffballsUnited. “We wanted to include ‘Dave’ because it proves that the future of indie games is a high budget and lack of independence. For fans of the game, being Impostor is like diving, but if you were hunting other players rather than fish. Those who aren’t familiar can just use the costume to be the Impostor every round – we know that’s what people want anyways.”

Fans of ‘Dave’ have been calling the update unfair to those who want to represent the diver, given the guarantee of playing the villain.

“I tell all the other players that I’m just working my day job to run a sushi restaurant and they all vote me out anyways,” says Lex Hart, an avid fan of both games. “I’m at an unfair disadvantage while none of the other fans even know how to play the game right. I don’t think I’ve ever once seen an Undertale skin kill anyone, even when they’re the impostor. Every one of the Castle Crashers skins just vote in unison, no matter what role they are. Don’t get me started on the Goose Game skins, they sabotage more than I do but get let off by honking.”

Yeon-min Choi, a member of the team that developed ‘Dave the Diver,’ finds the inclusion extremely disrespectful to their hard work.

“It’s a terrible compromise that shuts us out just because we have access to abilities the other games’ crewmates don’t,” complained the developer. “Just because we have a financial backer doesn’t mean that we can unhinge our jaws and snatch people with tentacles. In the time it took to develop our game, we’ve only had the occasional maintenance man mysteriously disappear,” recounted Choi, walking towards a vent on the floor. “This interview is over – there’s a fault in electrical and I’ll be overseeing the intern that has to fix it.”

The inclusion serves as a harrowing reminder to Geoff Keighley, who has to virtually come face-to-face with Dave whenever he plays Among Us as himself.