All the Gods From Smite Ranked by How Likely They’d Be to Answer Your Prayers

Posted on by Kelley Greene

Look, we’ve all been there. You’ve got a really important event coming up where you can’t make mistakes, you’re about to ask for a raise, or even just some jagbag cuts you off in traffic — and you feel like the only thing you can do is put your hands together and call on a higher power to set things right. Well, this very long guide will help you figure out exactly which god you should reach out to for help. So read on, and make sure you’re sending your energy to the right place.

130. Thanatos – Hand of Death

One look at his gigantic scythe and you should be able to tell that unless your prayer is to be unceremoniously freed from this mortal coil, Thanatos is not your guy.

129. Bakasura – The Great Devourer

Bakasura just wants to eat, and unfortunately his favorite meal is people. Probably best if you don’t pray to him because you might accidentally tip him off to your location. If you’re desperate, I guess you could try sacrificing a 3-piece chicken meal from KFC, but I can’t make any promises.

128. Achilles – Hero of the Trojan War

Achilles would be more than happy to provide you with an answered prayer — if you’re cool with that prayer being an entire war and your champion having some devastating weakness you won’t find out about until the most critical possible moment.

127. Camazotz – Deadly God of Bats

Sure. Just head over to Camazotz and expose your glistening, nubile little neck. (Prayers will not be answered because you will be dead.)

126. Cu Chulainn – Hound of Ulster

We do not abide by gods that slay dogs, even if they claim it was an accident or in self-defense. See ya later, Kristi Noem.

125. Xing Tian – The Relentless

Maybe this is on me, but I’d love to understand what would drive anyone to even consider praying to a headless god who uses his nipples as his eyes and his bellybutton for a mouth. Maybe he’d answer your prayer, but maybe we could also just not find out what all that mess looks like.

124. Ares – God of War

It’s pretty well-known that Ares does not do anything but fight. Trying to pray to him would be a waste of your time. Unless, that is, your prayer is that you’d like to fight. In that case, I think he’d be more than happy to give you exactly what you ask for. If you’re feeling empowered to fight a literal god, then I wish you the best of luck, my friend.

123. Surtr – The Fire Giant

He has a lot of very important things to guard, and also wields a gigantic flaming sword. What if — and hear me out — we all left Sutr alone before he destroys the entire world? Just a thought.

122. Martichoras – The Manticore King

Martichoras’s whole thing is dominating and devouring humans, so I’d recommend steering clear.

121. Ravana – Demon King of Lanka

Yeah, the “Demon King” is gonna be a no from me, dawg. Ravana apparently cut his own head off 9 times just for some weird kind of Kirkland brand immortality (he couldn’t be killed by gods, but could be killed by mortal men). He’s probably very busy trying to conquer the world and is unlikely to have time for whatever measly slight you’re complaining about.

120. Da Ji – The Nine-Tailed Fox

Da Ji’s favorite thing to do is torture people and make their lives worse. She’s not going to answer any of your prayers, unless those prayers involve making you incredibly uncomfortable.

119. Susano – God of the Summer Storm

Now, Susano might actually answer your prayer. So if you’re wondering why he’s so low on this list, it’s because the only reason he’d do it is as a form of atonement for some horrible thing he did to you first.

118. Kuzenbo – King Kappa

Kuzenbo is basically just a giant snapping turtle. I watched a TikTok once where a guy rescued one from the middle of a busy road and it was extremely unappreciative — instead of being chill, it tried to bite the guy the entire time. I imagine that’s what it’s like attempting to communicate with Kuzenbo. Toss him back into the drainage ditch. Onto the next.

117. Ah Puch – Horrific God of Decay

Ah Puch spends all his time looking for humans to drag to the underworld. If one of your prayers is to be dragged to the underworld (or have someone else dragged), then yeah, reach out. Otherwise, maybe try a different god.

116. Charybdis – The Ceaseless Whirlpool

I know she looks adorable, but Charybdis is like the Bermuda Triangle of gods. Be aware that any message you send her is getting sucked deep beneath the ocean, never to be seen again. Unless she gets one of those vacuum tubes they have at the bank or something.

115. Cthulhu – The Great Dreamer

He’s uh, a bit distracted with the whole “world domination” thing he’s got going on. Probably best to skip asking Cthulhu for help.

114. Loki – The Trickster God

Praying to this problem child would be the epitome of using a monkey’s paw. Whatever you want, you’ll get — but only with the weirdest possible unpredictable negative outcome. Leave Loki to his devices and pick someone else from this list.

113. Baba Yaga – Witch of the Woods

Speaking of monkey’s paws — if you know anything about Baba Yaga, you know she is not the person you want to be asking for help. Anything you’d get from her comes at a price. And her house is literally built up on chicken legs? Just…don’t.

112. Chernobog – Lord of Darkness

Wow, we’ve got a lot of dark lords around these parts, eh? Obviously, they’re all based in different pantheons, but somebody’s gonna have to figure out who the real Lord of Darkness is at some point. Anyway, Chernobog is essentially the devil. So if you’re into Satanism, give Chernobog a ring.

111. Kali – Goddess of Destruction

With a title like “Goddess of Destruction,” I think it’s pretty clear what you’re getting yourself into by praying to Kali. Sure, she’s in a very serious battle against only a specific demon, but hey — maybe we just let her focus on that and give her some space?

110. Raijin – Master of Thunder

Not to be confused with tThor, the “God” of Thunder. Sorry to Raijin, but I’m gonna be real with you for a second: when has a drummer ever come through for anyone? There’s your answer.

109. Set – The Usurper

Set is giving major MAGA vibes. Apparently Set believes he and he alone sees everything that needs to be fixed — and he somehow managed a successful coup (okay, so not quite MAGA then) on his brother so he could take power. Obviously that’s not gonna last. All things considered, Set feels kind of like a “flyover” god.

108. Bellona – Goddess of War

It’s a little ridiculous how many of these gods’ whole reason for existence is fighting, but Bellona is right there in the mix. Unless you’ve got battle plans spread out across your table like Kevin McCallister in Home Alone, keep reading.

107. Shiva – The Destroyer

Not sure why he only ended up with half a nickname, but Shiva is both a creator and a destroyer. He’s busy standing between dark and light, good and evil, and making sure that there’s a balance between the two. Right now, he has his hands full with the upcoming Presidential election, so he’s not currently taking requests.

106. Artemis – Goddess of the Hunt

Artemis’s life goal is to prove that no one is a better hunter than her, and she has managed to trick at least four gods into killing themselves. I’m not sure what else I need to say to deter you from sending a prayer her way.

105. Cerberus – Warden of the Underworld

Cerberus is extremely busy guarding Hades. The only way he’s going to have time for you is if someone manages to get this poor, chained up pup onto one of those ASPCA commercials where Sarah McLachlan sings and a rescue team gets upset enough to set him free. Then, Cerberus will gladly answer your prayers, as long as they entail curling up next to a warm fire.

104. Izanami – Matron of the Dead

Izanami is her name, vengeance is her game. Admit it, you’d be mad too if your husband had promised to free you from the underworld but then got too frightened by your horrifying visage. Unless you want to be in her crosshairs next, probably not the best option.

103. Scylla – Horror of the Sea

Unless your prayer is to not have your ship, the Ever Given, stuck in the Suez Canal, then I don’t think you’re getting an answer out of Scylla. And even then, if you do ask her specifically not to let the Ever Given get stuck in the Suez Canal, she’s probably going to do exactly that.

102. Fenrir – The Unbound

Aww! What a little cutie! He’s definitely not like, craving revenge or something, right? Oh, he is? Rats. Truth be told — either way, Fenrir isn’t going to be answering prayers. First off, he can’t respond because he doesn’t have those little buttons dogs use to talk to people. Secondly, as I mentioned, he’s like a dog with a bone on the revenge front.

101. Fafnir – The Lord of Glittering Gold

It’s all right there in the name: Fafnir is pretty much only concerned with hoarding gold — to the point that he actually turned into a dragon over it. I mean, that does seem like the most classic (or cliche) form to get a hoard going. But unless you’re willing to pay to have your prayers answered, Fafnir’s probably not your guy.

100. Ao Kuang – Dragon King of The Eastern Seas

Speaking of hoards, next up is Ao Kuang — well known for being greedy. Sir, are you aware that the Fed hasn’t cut rates since 2020? We cannot afford to pay for these prayers! I guess Ao Kuang can pride himself in being the patron saint of nepo babies and trust fund kids. Ugh.

99. Hun Batz – The Howler Monkey God

Hun Batz seems great — he’s totally into the arts and is a very cultured dude. However, a bitter family rivalry is probably cooking up some less than ideal attitude issues. Leave him to his sports. Plus — have you ever heard a howler monkey? Are you sure you want to converse with that noise?

98. Gilgamesh – King of Uruk

Gilgamesh is currently occupied with a personal quest for immortality. He has no time to answer your prayers, and also no desire to do anything that isn’t solely centered on him.

97. Odin – The All-Father

Look, Odin has a lot going on. He’s in charge of everything, all the time, it seems. You’re welcome to send a prayer his way, but be aware it’s likely to go into an enormous pile of unopened mail.

96. Arachne – The Weaver

Arachne is…a spider. My personal prayers are to never have a spider in my home, ever. For that reason, I don’t really see myself spending much time praying to one. She’s an excellent weaver of course, so maybe she’d answer prayers for something. It’s just that the only gifts she has to give are moving around too fast for comfort and leaving cobwebs in high corners that you have to swat down with a broom.

95. Heimdallr – The Vigilant

Heimdallr is a really good listener, so he’s definitely worth reaching out to. And he’s got foresight, which means you probably don’t even have to pray to him — he’s already got an idea of what you need. The issue here is that his lore says he lives at the end of “the rainbow bridge” which feels dangerously close to dead pet territory, so it’s a no.

94. Nemesis – Goddess of Vengeance

Nemesis will totally answer your prayers! You’re just gonna have to pay for it with something of equal and opposite value. Want a new job? Maybe you had over a pinky. Looking for love? Hey, your car just got stolen. Get used to it! She’s the punisher of hubris, so like, how dare you even ask?

93. Bake Kujira – Yokai of Despair

Bake Kujira is literally a ghost whale. Unless you’re interested in living inside Monstro’s mouth, it’s probably best to avoid him. He’s got a whole harbinger vibe, anyway. Just go on an Alaskan cruise or something if you want to see a whale up close.

92. Zeus – God of the Sky

Let’s be honest: unless you’re looking for a one-night stand with a goose or something, it’s best to avoid speaking with Zeus, the Nick Cannon of gods. I recommend staying far away from this freak of the week! Could he answer your prayer? Sure. Do you want to birth some freakishly strong god-child? No, you do not.

91. Thor – God of Thunder

Thor “The Tool Man” Taylor is completely inseparable from his special hammer for a special boy. He’s probably the best god to reach out to if you want something smashed (maybe built, if he’s having a good day). Though I can’t really think of a lot of scenarios where you’d want something decimated beyond recognition, so maybe it’s best to look elsewhere.

90. Baron Samedi – God of Life and Death

Who wants to pray to a guy you actually just want to be partying with? Don’t reach out through prayer — just meet Baron Samedi at the club. He’s a fun hang — and anyway, if you asked him for something he’d probably just pull a hilarious prank. Skip the prayer, go to one of those 4 AM bars, and enjoy your night.

89. Serqet – Goddess of Venom

Serqet is only willing to answer any prayers that ask her to exact revenge or vengeance, and only if she can do it by waiting hidden inside the target’s warm shoe.

88. Anubis – God of the Dead

Sure, sure. Anubis is happy to get around to whatever you’re asking for. But this muscly, ripped dog would really like to know how much that tennis ball — er, heart, weighs. If you could hand it over for the scale first, that’d be great.

87. Charon – The Ferryman

Charon will take care of whatever you like, for the cost of a simple coin — especially easy if the thing you want is a little ferry ride. However, the coin he demands is a Gold Sacagawea dollar. Good luck finding one of those.

86. Hachiman – Lord of the Eight Banners

Wow, big shock — we’ve got another warrior here. Hachiman is a bit of a mama’s boy, but would gladly stand up to your school bully on your behalf, though. So if that’s your issue, he’s your guy.

85. Olorun – Ruler of the Heavens

Sure, Olorun could answer your prayers, but he doesn’t want to. He really doesn’t have time for your piddly little human problems. He values his peace and quiet above all. You’re welcome to pray to him all you want, but you’re not getting anything.

84. Aphrodite – Goddess of Beauty

Our girl Aphrodite is H-O-T T-O G-O, baby! She’s gorgeous, of course, and is unfortunately a little too busy looking in the mirror to answer any prayers. You could try leaving one written on the mirror in lipstick, though!

83. Vamana – Fifth Avatar of Vishnu

Even if you pray for something small, Vamana’s going to make it a huge deal. If you’re cool with having everything you dream of blown completely out of proportion and over-exaggerated, definitely pray to Vamana.

82. Tsukuyomi – God of the Moon

I know this is going to come as a huge shock, but we’ve got another dark, brooding, chaotic god in our midst. Tsukuyomi rules the night, so at least he’ll be available when you’re likely to sit down to pray. It’s just — he’s not particularly kind and has a weird food aversion. Maybe not a bad option in a pinch, I suppose.

81. Apollo – God of Music

Apollo is essentially the Justin Timberlake of the Gods. He definitely has the time to hear you out, but feels like stopping to answer your prayer is going to ruin the world tour.

80. Ix Chel – The Light Weaver

With a nickname like “Lady of the Rainbows,” you might think Ix Chel is all sunshine and, well, rainbows. She is decidedly not that. It’s cool that she can turn into a jaguar, but she’s a pass.

79. Kukulkan – Serpent of The Nine Winds

Kukulkan seems nice enough, but he’s one of the many gods that requires sacrifices (and in this case, we’re talking blood — not money). He did create the calendar though, which is big Virgo energy. If you’re willing to lose a little blood, he’s probably pretty solid at handling business on your behalf.

78. King Arthur – Wielder of Excalibur

I’m not entirely sure that this mere mortal-type-god could be particularly helpful, prayer-wise, but he might be a good hang. He’s probably not a bad guy to have on your side anyway, considering he’s been said to have taken on like a thousand men all by himself. If you’re simply looking for protection, he might be a good pick. But I will add: King Arthur has an extremely powerful magician, Merlin, at his side — so maybe just reach out to him instead?

77. Bastet – Goddess of Cats

Another cat lady!! Back off, JD. We should think through this, though. Would you ask your cat for help with something you prayed for? Your dreams, your hopes, your deepest desires? No! Because your cat would metaphorically knock it off the table. Bastet seems nice enough, but everyone knows she’s probably plotting to kill you as soon as you turn your back. And just look at those eyes! Probably not your best bet.

76. Sol – Goddess of the Sun

In the words of Alicia Keys, “this girl is on fire!” Every day, she drags the sun around in a chariot while she’s chased by jerks. She seems fun enough, but I can tell you for certain she is not stopping to answer your prayers right now.

75. Ra – Sun God

Speaking of Sun Gods, Ra is also pretty booked up sailing around the Earth every day making sure the sun rises and falls. He really doesn’t have time to meddle in human affairs. I am wondering, though, if it’d be worth discussing daylight savings with him because I, for one, would not be mad about the sun staying up until 8 PM every night

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74. Danzaburou – The Legendary Tanuki

Just look at this adorable little Tom Nook wannabe! Danzaburou loves pranks, and will happily pull them on your behalf — as long as he thinks it’s fun. This means he’s the one you’d pray to if you’d like “Sexual Harassment Greg from Accounting”’s pants to fall down in the middle of a workday. Just be careful what you wish for, or he might pull a prank on you, too!

73. Persephone – Queen of the Underworld

Persephone is only in the underworld because she likes it down there. She’s the type of person who wears SPF 200 and never leaves the house. She’d happily answer a prayer now and again, whenever she’s not eating pomegranate seeds.

72. Chronos – Keeper of Time

You’re welcome to pray to Chronos, if you like. It’s just — the passage of time means nothing to him, so he might hear it, take his sweet time, and then whatever football team you’re hoping wins the Super Bowl has already been dead for a thousand years. So, I guess — yeah, he’ll answer your prayer, probably. But not in your lifetime.

71. Medusa – The Gorgon

Medusa is totally reasonable to speak with, you just have to keep your back to her the entire time. Or keep your eyes closed. That’s not weird, is it? She’d tell me if it was weird, right?

70. Lancelot – First Knight of the Round Table

In a pinch, Lancelot is probably one of the best fighters out there. But if that “pinch” is you sending up a prayer to the gods for a little hand, Lancelot is truly uninterested. He’s duty-bound to King Arthur, and — again — you might as well just go to Merlin at this point.

69. Yu Huang – The Jade Emperor

Yu Huang will answer your prayers. He’s in. His entire mortal life was spent trying to uplift humanity. Just tell him what you need, and he’ll take care of it for you. It’s just gonna take a few centuries while he simmers in a mountain cave and cooks it up. You’ve got time, right?

68. Sun Wukong – The Monkey King

One of Sun Wukong’s god jobs is keeping track of every monkey — so he spends a lot of time answering prayers like, “help me find some fleas on my bestie,” “make my prehensile tail big and strong” and “protect me from these tourists as I ransom their iPhone for a Hostess cupcake.” If you’ve got a tail like the kid from Jumanji, he definitely has time to answer your prayers, too.

67. Mercury – Messenger of the Gods

Mercury would be more than thrilled to answer your prayer, but he’s going to try to do it so quickly he’s going to screw it up somehow.

66. He Bo – God of the Yellow River

He Bo would answer your prayers, if he felt like it. But he’s just kinda chillin’, you know? He’s going with the river’s flow. So like, sure. Whenever he gets around to it.

65. Sobek – God of the Nile

Sobek is true neutral as far as gods go, so that’s why he makes it directly in the middle of the list. Nothing good is likely to come of praying to him, but probably nothing bad, either. Maybe just a good god to vent to if your therapist is not covered by insurance.

64. Ne Zha – The Third Lotus Prince

Hey, if you’re gonna be a Lotus Prince, third time’s the charm, right? Although, admittedly, staying in the womb for three full years is kind of mama’s boy behavior, Ne Zha is a powerful god. He’s still a child, so pray to him at your own risk. If you have to spend hours explaining what “please have a terrible incident befall my manager at the 4th quarter all hands,” that’s on you.

63. Ishtar – Goddess of Love and War

Ishtar is going to hook you up with whatever you need, as long as you pray to her and only her. She demands loyalty, so don’t screw it up.

62. Tyr – The Lawgiver

Tyr is 100% Lawful Good at his core. It’s not that he won’t help you — he will — he just doesn’t really seem like a good time, you know?

61. Ratatoskr – The Sly Messenger

This fuzzy guy is an adorable little gossip. You can totally pray to Ratatoskr for help, but you should know that literally every other god is going to find out exactly what you asked the tiny squirrel boy for. And he’s probably not gonna help you get it, anyway.

60. Mulan – The Ascendant Warrior

Let’s get down to business. Mulan is strong, powerful, and totally down to answer your prayers. Just don’t tell her they took all the music out of the live-action version of her Disney film.

59. Chang’e – Faerie of the Moon

I don’t doubt for a second that Chang’e is the type of god to want to help out a person in need — I mean, she even has an adorable little rabbit companion! She’d be willing to answer your prayers, but she’s stuck on the moon like Luther from The Umbrella Academy so it’s kind of tough for her to actually get the job done.

58. Anhur – Slayer of Enemies

Another warrior god! Anhur isn’t just a fighter though — he’s well known for being exceptionally cuddly and clever. Even though he’s prone to battle, he might not be a bad choice for prayer problem solving.

57. Xbalanque – Hidden Jaguar Sun

Xbalanque once tricked his enemy into having all his fancy gem teeth pulled out by a couple he encouraged to pose as dentists, so he kind of seems more like the God of Tooth Extractions, if you ask me. Pray to him for protection from a fraudulent DDS.

56. Terra – The Earth Mother

Most of Terra’s existence has been spent either supporting her children overthrowing their father or her grandchildren overthrowing her son. This seems like a very intense amount of work for someone who’s supposed to be Mother Earth. Terra will answer a prayer or two, but be wary of appearing too hubristic — she and her brood might overthrow you next.

55. Hel – Goddess of the Underworld

Hel is actually surprisingly helpful, contrary to popular belief. If you need to pray on behalf of an elderly neighbor, she’d jump right in to help. Especially if that neighbor needs to have his driver’s license taken away before he drives through your front lawn a third time. Hel’s very concerned about whether or not someone is “good” or “bad,” but she always helps the good.

54. Jing Wei – The Oath Keeper

If there’s anybody who knows how to get things done, it’s Jing Wei. Sadly, the thing she’s trying to get done is the Sisyphean task of filling the entire ocean with stones, but who can blame her when it’s full of horrifying monster-like creatures? An awful place. Anyway, she’ll be more than happy to answer your prayers as soon as she finishes her task.

53. Khepri – The Dawn Bringer

Khepri is a guardian and protector, but he’s also one of those scarabs that rolls up poop into little balls. Maybe he’s helpful, maybe not. Either way, he’s got poop on him.

52. Discordia – Goddess of Strife

As you can probably guess from her name, Discordia enjoys sowing discord and is incredibly clever. Overall, not the worst choice for a prayer when you’d like to send two of your friends that didn’t settle up after a bachelorette party at each other’s throats.

51. Agni – God of Fire

Stuck in the woods without a flint or a match? Agni is definitely your guy. Guys? Guy. He’s likely to be very good at hearing your prayers with all four of those ears, too.

50. Yemoja – Goddess of Rivers

Yemoja is definitely the god you want to reach out to if you’re planning on going on a cruise. She’d be more than happy to protect the girlies from whatever heinous norovirus is spreading throughout the cabin.

49. Skadi – Goddess of Winter

This winter dog mom is only interested in answering prayers that have to do with the cold. Like, if you need a Stanley cup to keep ice in it if your car catches on fire, Skadi’s your gal. Summer-related stuff is a no-go, though.

48. Morgan Le Fay – The Dark Enchantress

Who can blame Morgan Le Fay for storming out of King Arthur’s court because his wife didn’t want them to be friends anymore? Girl, read your man’s text messages while he’s asleep and leave Morgan out of it. Either way, Morgan is worth praying to when you need to do some FBI-style snooping on your ex-boyfriend’s new girl when her Instagram is set to private.

47. Vulcan – Smith of the Gods

If your prayers are to receive jewelry and/or weapons, Vulcan is the god to pray to. He can make that type of thing easily, and he loves doing it. Maybe even if those aren’t your prayers you should still try to get something expensive from him anyway…

46. Poseidon – God of the Oceans

Ego, much? Poseidon will answer your prayers, but he’s doing it with an agenda in mind. And that agenda is that he will be your favorite god forever, or else. (I’ll let you in on a little secret though: the “or else” is just that he’s gonna be super disappointed.)

45. Pele – Goddess of Volcanoes

Pele created Hawaii, so she’s like, seriously powerful. But considering Mark Zuckerberg is busy building an insane bunker deep within her magnum opus, she might have her hands full right now. Pray to her in a few years when she’s figured out how to get all the billionaires’ private property.

44. Ymir – Father of The Frost Giants

You have approximately five more years to get a prayer answered by Ymir before he becomes unavailable after melting due to climate change.

43. Cabrakan – Destroyer of Mountains

Cabrakan would move mountains for you. As soon as he wakes up.

42. Amaterasu – The Shining Light

This “Golden Girl” will be absolutely thrilled to answer whatever prayer you send her way. Ideally, that prayer is for a cure for seasonal affective disorder.

41. Osiris – Broken God of the Afterlife

Osiris is down to hook you up with whatever you need — his only requirement is that you put a super rad portrait of him inside your overly complex pyramid-shaped casket. And be nice to him, okay? The guy got chopped up into tiny bits by his brother. Not a great experience, I’d wager.

40. Rama – Seventh Avatar of Vishnu

Rama is one of the few gods out there that actually knows what it’s like to be human, so he totally gets it. He’ll definitely answer your prayers, right after he finds his wife. Which’ll only take…maybe forever.

39. Ullr – The Glorious One

Sure, maybe Ullr could do a little prayer answering for you. I’d definitely send a prayer his way — especially if you’re going skiing. Last thing you want to do is forget how to do your little pizza wedge shape thing so you can slow down.

38. Thoth – Arbiter of the Damned

Thoth really wants to help you, as long as your prayers and desires aren’t prone to chaos. If you’re serious about your needs, he’s in. But he only responds for really major stuff, so don’t waste your shot with him by praying for ice cream or something silly.

37. Artio – The Bear Goddess

First things first: make sure that Artio isn’t in hibernation when you send her a prayer. If she is, well…better luck next year. If she’s not currently hibernating, make sure she’s not in Bear Mode celebrating Fat Bear week. If she is, well…better luck some other time. But if you catch her awake and in human form? You’re golden.

36. Guan Yu – Saint of War

It’s not every day you see the nickname “Saint of War” used to describe an actually nice guy who sticks to his word. The guy waited years for his brother to reappear, so he’ll definitely stick around for you, too. Send your requests to Guan Yu. He’s got your back.

35. Maman Brigitte – Protector of the Dead

This god’s for the ladies! Maman Brigitte has your back. She’s gonna hear those prayers, listen, give advice, and then bring the fun to a girl’s night out.

34. Hou Yi – Defender of the Earth

Hou Yi saved the Earth from 9 super harsh suns. I wonder if he might be willing to return and slay some of this atmospheric carbon we’ve got going on? I think we should all shoot a quick prayer his way before the ocean temperature rises another degree.

33. Nox – Goddess of Night

Nox is a total babe. Whatever you’re praying for, she’s there for you. In fact, she’d love nothing more than to make sure you feel safe and protected. Sure, she’s gonna answer your prayer while blindfolded, but nothing she hasn’t done before. I think.

32. Tiamat – Goddess of the Salt Sea

Tiamat is the queen of creating things from what, I guess, the Babylonians believed to be some kind of primordial goo. If she can whip up something from nothing, she can answer your prayers. Especially when it feels like you’ve got a whole lot of nothing going on in your life.

31. Eset – Goddess of Magic

A great ruler, mother of all pharaohs…Eset is an absolute powerhouse. She’s kind, smart, and will have no problem picking up your strewn body parts should a horrible murder befall you. As long as you’ve ingratiated yourself to her.

30. Erlang Shen – The Illustrious Sage

You should definitely reach out to Erlang Shen. He’s strong, powerful, and wants to take care of folks. Highly recommend sending a prayer his way, especially if you’ve got a dragon harshing your mellow.

29. Jormungandr – The World Serpent

It’s said that Jormungandr will bring about the Norse apocalypse. But until that happens, what’s the harm in sending a prayer his way? He’ll either bring about the end of days by replying, or not. Who could blame you for putting an end to late stage capitalism?

28. Nike – Goddess of Victory

Nike had her hands full as hell during the Olympics. I wonder how she decides whose prayers for victory she answers? Maybe it depends on whether or not you’re wearing her branded shoes or workout gear. Either way, if you’re in some kind of competition, you should definitely go to her.

27. Atlas – Titan of the Cosmos

We can give Atlas a pass — it’s not like he knew Ayn Rand was going to royally screw up his brand. He mapped the heavens, so he’s obviously really into astrology. I think there’s a really good chance he’ll answer your prayers if you’ve got the right kind of crystal setup. But good luck figuring out which agate represents which prayer.

26. Freya – Queen of the Valkyries

Freya will for sure answer your prayers. Everyone loves her dearly, and she’s fun and sweet. A girl’s girl who should be in your regular prayer rotation. She loves flowers, pleasant company, and love songs. Freya will make sure you have a brat summer.

25. The Morrigan – Phantom Queen

Okay sure, she looks really mean in this picture. But what’s not to like? The Morrigan controls fate and is a combination of three different sisters. You’re getting a three-fer on this one! Sure, seeing her around might prophesize your violent end, but I still think it’s worth a shot. She controls fate, for crying out loud!

24. Cliodhna – Queen of the Banshees

Of course Cliodhna has a bad rep with a title like that. But rumor has it that she commonly does favors for mortals as long as they treat her with her due respect. Sounds like answered prayers to me!

23. Geb – God of Earth

Yes, Geb will answer your prayers — but only if they’re about your backyard vegetable garden. You’ll want to reach out to him about things like: having a bigger harvest, less mealybugs, and not mixing up your Cuban Oregano with your Italian Oregano.

22. Ah Muzen Cab – God of Bees

The title of “God of Bees” sounds ominous, but he’s actually a pretty solid dude. He’ll answer any prayers you have as along as they are about honey. He’s having a rough time right now keeping all his corps safe. We must protect Ah Muzen Cab at all costs.

21. Horus – The Rightful Heir

An excellent choice for your prayer. Horus is Good with a capital G and will help you out wherever he can. As long as it falls in line with his personal beliefs. Don’t ask for anything that could be misconstrued.

20. Nut – Goddess of the Sky

A protector of the innocent who cares deeply for mortals, Nut is probably one of the nicest gods available. Honestly, I think I’d probably be pretty nice too after making it through the entirety of Junior High with a name like “Nut.”

19. Maui – Hero of Hawai’i

What can I say, except that Maui will forever be tied to The Rock’s portrayal of him in Moana? Maui is a trickster, which would normally be a detriment. However, every trick he perpetrates is to the benefit of his people. You should absolutely send Maui a prayer. He’s got your back.

18. Chaac – God of Rain

Chaac is very devoted to mankind. I mean, he creates rain so that we can tell someone “the weather’s too bad” and cancel our plans. What’s not to like? He’ll gladly answer your prayers. Just tell him you don’t have the money to get your car washed after a bird pooped on it and he’ll get right to work.

17. Kumbhakarna – The Sleeping Giant

If your prayer is to have the best nap of your life, Kumbhakarna is your guy. Also Mucinex DM, but that’s not a god so I digress. Anyway — as long as he’s awake feel free to pray to him for a good night’s rest. If you’re lucky, he’ll hook you up with one of those dreamless slumbers where you wake up in the morning feeling like you’ve spent the night on another planet.

16. Zhong Kui – The Demon Queller

Intelligent, but supposedly terrifying to look upon, Zhong Kui offers the ultimate protection from demons. Send a little prayer his way if you see the Republican nominee for Vice President enter your donut shop.

15. Awilix – Goddess of the Moon

Awilix is one of those “childless cat ladies” that JD Vance is always talking about. She does not play and will absolutely get things done for you. Her jaguars, while terrifying, are at least good at organizing.

14. Hercules – Champion of Rome

If your lease is up and you’ve got a move planned, it’s worthwhile to send a prayer over to Hercules. He’s essentially the god of lifting heavy stuff. I know for sure he’d help, even if for no other reason than it’s an excuse for him to show off.

13. Janus – God of Portals and Transitions

If you’re going through any type of big change, it’s worth praying to Janus. His whole deal is helping people through transitions, making life easier, and he’s also keenly aware that the cake is a lie. All systems go.

12. Cernunnos – The Horned God

Cernunnos will answer any prayer you send his way as long as you don’t do anything harmful to nature. Yes, that means if you want something from Cernunnos, you had better catch that creepy millipede in the bathroom in a jar and gently set it outside.

11. Neith – Weaver of Fate

Neith has done more for mankind than just about any other god. She feeds people, she clothes them, she makes a weird weaving thing so she can track them after they die. Pray to Neith. She’s like a strip center situated behind an outlet mall.

10. Hera – Queen of the Gods

Hell hath no fury like a woman whose husband won’t stop creating God-children with every woman he sees. Pray to Hera about getting revenge on your crappy ex. She’s on board.

9. Chiron – The Great Teacher

Half horse, half man, all kind and gentle. Chiron is a great warrior who prefers books to battle. He’d be more than happy to answer your prayers, especially if they’re about something like your AP Biology exam. Send him the good stuff. He’ll help.

8. Merlin – The Master Wizard

As I’ve said previously — if you were thinking about praying to King Arthur or Lancelot, I’d recommend skipping them and moving straight to the source: Merlin. Merlin’s down to answer some prayers, but it would probably help grease the wheels if you’ve got a seat of power nearby that he can hover around.

7. Athena – Goddess of Wisdom

She’s a patron of all who fight with dignity; she loves virtue and demands to be worshiped with a righteous fervor. But she’s a good fighter. You have to decide what’s most important: giving Athena the attention she deserves so she can have your back in every bar fight for eternity, or finding another god who might do that for nothing?

6. Nu Wa – Guardian of Heaven

Nu Wa is well known for ruling over a long age of recovery and prosperity, so I can’t think of many gods better to send a prayer to. Not only is she likely to answer it, but she’s likely to go so above and beyond that your life ends up better than you planned. She’s an excellent choice.

5. Hades – King of the Underworld

Hades seems so spooky with a title like “King of the Underworld,” but he’s really not a bad guy. He’ll successfully answer your prayers, but only if he doesn’t have to leave his house (relatable).

4. Bacchus – God of Wine

Bacchus is out here holding feasts, partying, and enjoying himself 24/7. As long as your requests don’t interrupt his events, he’ll do what he can to assist. And if your prayer is to attend a fancy and fun event, you’re in luck! Bacchus can get you Eras Tour tickets. Have fun!

3. Sylvanus – Keeper of the Wild

Sylvanus is a kind, nature-focused god who’d be more than happy to answer any prayer you send his way, as long as it doesn’t require him stepping foot on concrete. He’s even nice enough to let you say “I am Groot” in his vicinity without completely destroying you.

2. Ganesha – God of Success

Generous, warm-hearted, and optimistic, Ganesha can clear any obstacle out of the way for anyone he deems honest and hardworking. Keep your conscience clear and remember: an elephant never forgets.

1. Cupid

We’ve got ourselves a certified lover boy, baby! Especially if your prayers include finding a partner and finally deleting the apps, well, you know Cupid’s your guy. And he’s happy to do it! All you have to do is let him shoot you with an arrow. That’s fine, right?

Master Hand Gets Henna Tattoo

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

FINAL DESTINATION — Following a recent trip to a wedding between two Wireframe Fighters, Master Hand returns to their final boss level with a paisley flower henna tattoo.

“Wait, was I supposed to get one too?” stated Crazy Hand upon seeing it. “We need to coordinate these things. I’m supposed to be the wild one so I should have the most accessories. Now I need to go find some pinky rings or something. Maybe I’ll get a real tattoo, just to one-up him.”

Smash Bros. competitor Wario reported that he found it extremely distracting while trying to dodge Master Hand’s finger lasers.

“Wahh! They look like those rich white ladies on TikTok who talk about the dangers of modern medicine,” moaned Wario. “What’s next? Is he gonna start going off about radical unschooling? Will he just steal skits from other creators? Maybe he’ll try ayahuasca? Go back to Coachella!”

Other members of the Smash Bros. roster didn’t mind.

“It looks nice, if you ask me,” said Wii Fitness Trainer. “Let people enjoy things. Getting a flower drawn on you is not a big deal and not a big issue with most people. Nobody batted an eye when Samus got that hacky Punisher tattoo, and she’s never even read the comics.”

At press time, Master Hand had reportedly booked a flight to India after reading “Eat, Pray, Love.”

Uh Oh: I Won an Argument with My Boss, but His Theme Is Still Playing

Posted on by Bex Kane

Conflict with the boss. We’ve all been there, except for the 65% percent of Hard Drive’s readership that our latest polling tells me comprises the unemployed, traveling performance artists, and career criminals. You want to do things one way, your boss wants them done a different way, you get mad, he gets mad, you make a few good points. You think he’s going to admit you’re right, but then he flashes red and shifts away from the actual argument toward veiled threats to fire you, so you cave. I and 35% of the people reading this have been there.

Well, today I didn’t cave! I had been working on this project for six fucking months without any goddamn help from him, and I’ll be damned if I was going to roll over and change the whole thing at the last minute for him. This is my work, and if he wanted more input on how I did it the time for that was any time before now. He wants to fire me? Fine, fire me! Just remember who made that call when the guys upstairs are on your ass because this whole department fell apart!

So he kinda reels back in this weird slow-motion looking way that I had never really soon before, and he sulks back to his office, and I’m thinking, hell yeah, way to stand up for yourself! So I head back to my desk too, and I try to get back to doing my actual work, but something’s bugging me and I can’t quite focus. I can’t really clock what it is at first, but I kinda stop and think, and I realize the music from the argument is still playing! Now that’s never happened to me before, so I don’t really know what’s going on here. I figure I’ll go retrace my steps a bit and see if it goes away.

So when I get back to the spot where we were actually arguing, my boss has the blinds on the little internal windows open, so I can see in pretty well. He’s in there, right, and he’s doing this whole elaborate routine. Like, he’s kind of grabbing his head and thrashing around, and then he puts his hands out at his side and screams. Like holy shit dude, I think you broke the local noise ordinance there, let alone company policy. And he drops to one knee and starts pulling something out from under his desk, and I can’t see what it is at first, but then he stands up straight and he’s holding this giant fuck-off sword!

So naturally, I punch the fire alarm and run off screaming, and that’s why I need you to pick me up. Also, shit, I am so sorry about this, but do you think you can swing paying my bail? I swear to god I’ll pay you back soon, I just finished this big project at work and I’m supposed to be getting a solid bonus out of it.

Sixth Night at Freddy’s Pretty Uneventful

Posted on by Peter Cunis

ELK GROVE, CA — Jerry Patinski, a newly hired security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza in downtown Elk Grove, reported that after a stressful first five days on the night shift, “not much happened” on the sixth night. 

“I started on a Monday, and hoo boy, Monday through Friday were filled with spooky happenin’s, let me tell you,” stated Patinski in an interview with Best of Elk Grove, a local daytime show that promotes local businesses, “Saturday, though? Pretty much a breeze. I barely had to look at them cameras. I actually got a few chapters of my new novel done. It’s about my Mom’s favorite bicycle growin’ up.”

Though the hosts followed up his statement by asking what spooky happenings occurred, Patinski seemed more interested in talking about how calm and low-stress the sixth night at Freddy’s was.

“Oh yeah, there was a whole thing with these robots, but listen,” at this point in the interview, Patinski leaned in closer to the hosts, as though he was letting them in on a secret, “You ever want to really find yourself? Just spend a few hours in your own head. I’ve got a whole book up here (Patinski here pointed at his own head) and it’s all about my Mom’s Schwinn. I know you’re thinkin’, ‘Jerry, ya can’t write a whole book about a bicycle,’ but nah, nah, that’s what they told Frank Herbert before he wrote a book about sand.”

Paul Tricoli, one of the hosts of Best of Elk Grove, wrote about the interview on X that evening.

“I apologize to the management at Freddy Fazbear’s for the interview with Mr. Patinski. He kept alluding to something really frightening happening at Freddy Fazbear’s, but he wouldn’t go into it,” wrote Tricoli, “I think he thought he was helping promote Freddy Fazbear’s and giving us some insight into the behind-the-scenes work that goes into working a themed restaurant. But I really wish he hadn’t kept casually mentioning that something terrible happened the first five nights, especially since he just would not get into the specifics.”

“His book sounds great, though,” Tricoli followed up in a later tweet, “I’ll be sure to plug it when it goes up on Amazon.”

Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza on Main Street in Elk Grove is open Monday through Saturday, 8 AM to 11 PM. 

Game Night: Begin the First Squirrel Crusades in ‘The Sacred Acorn’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Video games, both on the hobbyist and business ends,tend to get caught up in buzzwords. This medium had marketers before it had actual writers and now much of the attached language quickly cycles into meaninglessness. Nothing is ever just challenging when it could be a “Soulslike,” and everything that’s meant to be even marginally relaxing/wholesome/thoughtful is now “cozy.”

Case in point: The Sacred Acorn bills itself as a “cozy Souls-like” on its Steam page, which strikes me as two aspects that would work at cross purposes.

It’s also not a particularly accurate description. Sacred Acorn is tough, but it looks and plays like Don Bluth made a clone of the original Legend of Zelda. It’s only a Soulslike if you assume the term is just a synonym for “difficult.”

You play The Sacred Acorn as Ima, a squirrel from the village of Timberglaive,  which has been protected by its guardian spirit for as long as anyone can remember. When that guardian suddenly goes mad, Ima is simultaneously endowed with a mysterious power. It’s now up to her to defend what’s left of Timberglaive from the corruption that threatens it.

That’s what made me initially take umbrage with the “cozy” label, by the way. Sacred Acorn’s adorable squirrel heroine and her colorful forest are both only surface elements of what turns out to be a fairly dark story, especially once you’ve beaten the third boss. It may look like a children’s book, but it’s about as close as I ever expect to come to a video game adaptation of Watership Down.

Ima’s initial abilities are limited to a one-two punch combo and a channeled healing spell. As you explore the forest, deal with its newly corrupted inhabitants, and unravel its secrets, you gradually unlock more tools for Ima, including a dodge roll that can also carry her over low obstacles, a long-range magical attack, and a couple of different companions, including a cheerful turtle cartographer who functions as your minimap.

It’s all fairly accessible and colorful, although Ima only has 3 HP at the start of the game, so any fight can kill you if you aren’t careful. You also won’t get more HP for quite a while, and by the time you do, you also start running into more enemies that can inflict 2 damage at once.

Sacred Acorn is the sort of game where your first encounter with any given enemy is a frantic rush to figure out its attack pattern, because the only way to stay alive is to exploit its weaknesses. Ima’s almost always the fastest thing on the screen, so it’s easy to stay alive, but everything in Sacred Acorn has some way to punish you if you simply get up in their face.

You also have to stand still for a few seconds in order to heal, which isn’t easy. Bosses in particular are designed to make it difficult for you to carve out a chance to use your healing spell, and you usually have to give up offensive opportunities to do it. If there’s one thing about this game that I’d compare to a Soulslike, it’s that constant stick-and-move.

Even once Ima’s got a few more HP under her belt, every incidental fight keeps you on a razor’s edge, to the point where it’s often not worth the hassle to engage with an enemy at all. It reminds me of the old challenge runs that you used to see for the original Zelda, where people would try to beat the game without ever picking up an additional Heart Container or the sword upgrades.

Unfortunately, Sacred Acorn is more stingy about its offensive upgrades, which can be a problem in the mid-game. Many of the standard enemies have a lot of health, so every fight goes for about twice as long as it feels like it should. Things improve once you unlock the Essence Blast, which gives Ima some much-needed ranged firepower, but every new area comes with a host of enemies that are even harder to fight.

Finally, Sacred Acorn makes an interesting narrative decision at about its halfway point that also works to turn up the challenge. Without spoilers, the game starts in a fairly textbook place for a fantasy story, where Ima is given some tasks by speaking with her fellow villagers in Timberglaive. However, once you reach a certain point in the story, nobody actually knows what’s going on anymore, so no one has any direction to offer you.

It’s a fun twist on an old concept. It takes a while, but Sacred Acorn eventually cuts you loose and asks you to figure out your next steps by yourself. It’s a 5-hour game with a 2-hour tutorial and the rest is one big sandbox. I appreciate that, although I did end up running in circles for a while before I figured out what I was supposed to do next.

As much as I like that swerve, Sacred Acorn could use maybe one more QA pass before I’d actually recommend it. Its collision detection is occasionally dodgy, like how it’ll sometimes take me 3 tries to collect an enemy drop before the game decides I am in fact standing on it.

In addition, the controls are a little loose. Sometimes Ima simply fails to dash or attack when I hit the appropriate button. For a game that lives and dies on split-second actions, it’s not as tightly wound as it needs to be.

The Sacred Acorn is a decent short action/adventure game that’s made some weird marketing choices. It’s got an all-ages vibe and immediately accessible gameplay, but the difficulty spikes hard early on and just keeps going up. It’s a good example of a modern game that’s effectively building on some old foundations, and is worth a look for anybody who’s up for an old-school sort of challenge.

Pregnant Elden Ring Streamer Criticized for Using Epidural

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

LOS ANGELES — Controversy has erupted across the Souls community after popular Elden Ring streamer Emma “RegalMarika” Baxter announced she would be asking for an epidural during her upcoming childbirth.

“I personally don’t see the issue with it,” said Baxter during a ‘Blindfolded Two-Finger Only’ run of the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC. “At the end of the day I want the experience to be as smooth and painless as possible. I’m not looking to prove anything by suffering through intense agony. I am fed-up with the constant comments. I called 911 a few weeks ago after experiencing some chest pains. Turned out to be nothing, but what do I find waiting for me back home? A five-figure medical bill and some jerk called WildeStrikes claiming I was an ‘ambulance summoning scrub’.” 

Despite Baxter’s complaints, there are those who are firm in their beliefs that she shouldn’t use an epidural.

“I always thought of RegalMarika as one of the real gamers,” explained Reddit user Involuntary Maidenless in a post on the Elden Ring subreddit. “Well, as real as a female gamer can be. I was willing to accept the allergy medication and the healthy diet. Yet to deny herself of the challenge of birthing a human into the world without resorting to pain relief? She’s really showing her true colors. She of all people should know to just git gud”

“This isn’t about me,” Maidenless continued. “This is about saving childbirth. If we don’t stand up and protest, then doctors are gonna casualize the birthing process for everyone. We need to maintain what makes a pregnancy special: and that’s pure, preventable pain.”

The sheer number of participants commenting on RegalMarika’s private medical choices has even led to some hospitals chiming in.

“We’ve received hundreds of comments and want to assure the community we are listening,” Bloodborn Maternity said in a press release. “We pride ourselves in delivering challenging yet satisfying births, and have no intention to nerf the process to appeal to a wider pregnant audience.” 

At press time, fellow streamer Asmongold weighed in on the controversy declaring he would never even consider doing a pregnancy run due to the difficulty of finding a partner.

Fortnite Characters That Should Get Their Own Spin-Off

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Fortnite is one of the most popular video games of all time. Part of the reason it’s had such a foothold over gamers for so long is because of all the incredible characters that you can play as. Whether they’re battle pass rewards or premium purchases, Fortnite has introduced countless  iconic characters to the world. The only problem is many of the characters are so cool that they deserve to be in something other than Fortnite. With that in mind, here are the top Fortnite characters that deserve to have their own spin-off.

Master Chief

Look at how cool this guy is! He’s got sweet sci-fi power armor and according to his lore he’s not only a super soldier but he’s the absolute best super soldier. This guy looks like he means serious business and it would be so cool if he got his own adventures. His lore states that he has proven to be humanity’s last hope in a war with hostile alien forces and forget Fortnite, that’s the game I want to play. Imagine a series of games where you get to play as this guy just mowing through hordes of evil aliens, forming a unique and slightly sexual bond with a hot holographic A.I. while you go on an epic journey to save humanity. That would be so cool. Then he could go on three scattered adventures that are supposed to be part of a trilogy but full of new ideas that go nowhere.

Rick Grimes

According the lore this guy is a hardened zombie killing badass who is ready and willing to do both stuff and thangs. Why is his trapped in a game where there are no zombies to kill? I want to see him in the apocalypse, killing zombies, protecting his family, getting into complex and sometimes silly interpersonal conflicts. I’m sure he’ll even refuse to use the word zombie and call them something silly like walkers. This guy sounds interesting, I want to follow him for years in a comic book, perhaps even a TV show that wildly fluctuates in quality between seasons before finally bottoming out causing the lead actor playing him to want to leave. Hell I’ll even accept a video game, I won’t even mind if it has slideshow cutscenes and awful gameplay, just give me this guy shooting zombies.

Darth Vader

This dude looks like a stone cold killer. Sweet kick ass black armor, an awesome red laser sword and he has some sort of telekinetic powers. It’s an absolute crime that this guy is trapped in a cartoony battle royale game. According to the lore he’s the most feared man in the galaxy and that’s what I want to see from him, not popping a booty shake after unfairly killing me with Captain America’s shield. Give this guy an entire saga of movies that chronicles his rise to power and the inability of weirdoes to move on from him. Show us this terrifying figure of darkness and then show us how he became that way. You could even make him a cringe edge lord who hates sand for some reason before becoming the ultimate killing machine. That would be funny. 

Kratos

Lore states that this dude is covered in the ashes of his dead family that he was tricked into killing. Hell yeah! let me play that game. Let me go on a badass blood fueled saga of vengeance and quick time event threesomes. That’s the kind of game this dude belongs in. He shouldn’t be in a battle royale, he should learning to accept his failures and passing on that wisdom to his annoying son. Make it happen game devs.

John Wick

This guy already looks so much like Keanu Reeves that they might as well just give him his own movie series.

Lara Croft

Bless Epic Games for conceiving of a character that is essentially Indiana Jones but a hot British woman instead. I’d love to follow the adventures of Lara Croft, preferably in video game form since there really aren’t any games that capture the cinematic thrills of classic treasure hunting pulp adventures. She’s just waiting to be a gaming icon. All she needs is a decent origin story, some tight puzzles and platforming and extraordinarily over the top brutal death animations that make you question if the devs hate women. Hell make it a trilogy.

Nathan Drake

Much like the John Wick character already resembling Keanu, Nathan Drake already looks exactly like Tom Holland so you might as well give him his own movie. Side note, it is weird that Epic has created two characters that are almost exact matches to the likeness of famous actors. Shocked they haven’t been sued yet. Unless they’re already planning Fortnite movies.

Ellen Ripley

Ripley is one of the most interesting Fortnite characters because according to the lore she was just a worker on a space ship who was thrust into defeating the perfect organism. That’s pretty badass, I’d like to see her do that. The fear that not only are we not alone in the universe but what’s out there is going to rip us to shreds compared with the fear of a bad day at work, sign me up. That would make a dope movie, you could even make a franchise out of it. Go bigger, introduce more of the aliens, go balls out action before dropping various sequels of mixed quality like god intended. That’s what entertainment is all about. So much spin-off potential with this, just a cool concept to show the limits of life itself and the dangers of seeking out ways to avoid death. Can even get super meta with it by bringing a dead actor back to life with deepfake puppetry for no reason other than you can.

Paul Atreides

This man is the chosen one according the lore but if that’s the case I should get a victory royale every time I use him but I haven’t gotten one ever. That’s the problem with Fortnite. They create these cool characters with sweet lore behind them but the gameplay doesn’t always match. I need to see this guy be the chosen one. I need to see him go on an epic journey of leading the universe, saving his people, eliminating evil with an all out holy war. But instead I must imagine it while I watch him floss.

John Cena

I know I’m not the only one who thinks an invisible man is an incredible character concept. I’m shocked that Fortnite is the only one that’s done it because it would make a great horror movie.

Court Awards PlayStation with Weekend Custody of Xbox Games

Posted on by Matt Fresh

San Mateo. Calif — In a landmark ruling, a federal judge has awarded PlayStation with custody of Xbox games on the weekends.

The ruling comes from Judge Franklin Bash who has presided over the messy divorce proceedings between Xbox and the competitive hardware business. 

“It is my opinion that this divorce is not necessarily the correct course of action for the parties but if it’s what must be done then what we really need to think about are the poor games who will be affected by this. They need somewhere to go and they need to be nurtured and loved,” said Bash before giving his ruling. “The best way to achieve that at this point is for PlayStation to be given custody on the weekends. This will ensure that they get a fair shot at a normal life. Xbox can give whatever they can offer, funding, marketing, etc. and then PlayStation can swoop in to be the fun parent and get it nominated for awards.”

Bash later clarified to reporters how the custody agreement would function.

“Well since these are Xbox games, they deserve to be with Xbox and Xbox deserves to have them but on then on the weekends they will be released on PlayStation. As Xbox divorces the competitive hardware business it’s important to know how that affects their games. It takes a toll on them, they’re played less, by less people and sometimes even just left alone on GamePass for an irresponsible amount of time. Now they’ll get a more well rounded shot at life as they also get to be enjoyed by PlayStation players who don’t have games of their own to love.”

Xbox CEO Phil Spencer gave his opinion on the ruling, praising the judge for his decision.

“I applaud Judge Bash on the ruling. When everyone plays we all win and that’s been lost in this shuffle of this divorce. I’m really happy for the games, they truly deserve this. So whether you play on PC, on your phone through the cloud or even PlayStation, you will get to enjoy Xbox games just like all two dozen Xbox console owners.”

At press time, the developers of Indiana Jones and the Great Circle, the first game scheduled to go to PlayStation on the weekend say they’re excited because PlayStation lets them eat ice cream whenever they want.

Last Save Just Far Back Enough to Tolerate Annoying Glitch

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

OMAHA, Neb. — A local gamer is begrudgingly tolerating a frustrating bug because he does not want to lose the progress he has made since his last save, sources confirm.

“See? About half the time I press the ‘A’ button in dialog or menus, it doesn’t register,” said Phillip Mack, who was playing “Knights of the Manderline,” a new action-RPG. “And sometimes, it’s just delayed, so I’ll press it again and accidentally skip through important dialog or use an item when I just wanted to read its description. It’s so annoying. Unfortunately, I haven’t saved in, like, three hours, and I put in some work, man.”

“I am not going to re-do all of that just because of some tedious little issue like—fuck!” continued Mack. “I just insulted an NPC because I selected a dialog option when I thought I was just clicking through his line. He was important, too. Now that whole faction is going to be hostile to me.”

Mack’s wife, Christine, noted that this kind of behavior is typical of him.

“Oh, you mean the guy who didn’t transfer to his dream college on a full scholarship because they were going to make him retake a single core course?” said Christine. “You say that he won’t replay part of a game? Wow, I never would have expected that of the man who baked me a birthday cake with no eggs because he didn’t want to go back to the grocery store. If you think I’m making this up, just ask Katie, the woman he really loves. Too bad he met her after he started dating me, and couldn’t be bothered to start over.”

Singular Refraction, the developer of “Knights of the Manderline,” said they were familiar with the bug that was plaguing Mack.

“Oh, yeah, the ‘A’-button thing,” said Ron Lambert, a lead developer at Singular Refraction. “That goes way back. It’s ancient. QA pointed it out during the beta. People are always asking us to fix it. Thing is, it’s trickier than they think. The code that the bug comes from touches just about everything in the game. We’d have to rewrite so much of the game if we really wanted to sort that out, and frankly, we’d rather not. It would be a whole thing, you know?”

At press time, Mack had decided to revert to his previous save, only to accidentally overwrite it by pressing the “A”-button too many times while trying to load it.

Midwest Developer Spotlight: Graphite Lab

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

Graphite Lab is an indie studio based in St. Louis, Missouri. A developer that has traditionally worked on licensed projects, creating games for the likes of Hasbro, Disney, and Cartoon Network, their most recent and wholly original project is a sequel to their 2016 game Hive Jump, titled Hive Jump 2: Survivors. Where the original Hive Jump was a 2D cooperative platformer with roguelike elements, Hive Jump 2: Survivors, as the name implies, is more akin to Vampire Survivors, but with its own twist on the burgeoning subgenre you may have seen described as “bulletheaven”. [ppp_non_patron_only]Hive Jump 2: Survivors[/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only][ppp_non_patron_only][/ppp_non_patron_only]

is in early access on Steam at the time of this writing, but was announced to be hitting its 1.0 launch on September 10, 2024. Hard Drive’s own Thomas Wilde previewed it for his weekly Game Night column, and you can read his impressions here.

Minus World had the opportunity to talk with Founder & Studio Director Matt Raithel about Graphite Lab’s history, his own twenty year tenure in the industry, what it means to be a developer based in a part of the country that is not especially known for game development, the early access journey, signing on with the publisher Midwest Games headed by former Netflix Games executive Ben Kvalo, and being an instructor for the next generation of game devs at Maryville University in St. Louis.

The studio that would eventually become Graphite Lab began as the third expansion to Black Lantern Studios, a studio based in Springfield, Missouri, which formed in 2003 with Raithel joining as an artist. Black Lantern got their start as many fledgling studios did at the time, by working on licensed games for existing IPs. Originally attempting to make independent PC titles, trying to capitalize on the popularity of “tycoon” games by making a night club tycoon game, and pitching to some of the big publishers of the time, “Pitching it to the likes of Activision and THQ, and the usual suspects. They saw it and were like, ‘Oh, you guys have some skills for sure, but we don’t want this game. We have a different idea that we’d like you to make for us.’” Raithel said. This kickstarted their work for hire journey.

That first project would be a tycoon game for THQ, which led to gaining the attention of DSI games and going from a feeling Raithel said, of “Maybe we can do this,” to “We have a business, we know what we’re doing, and now we’ve got something that we can be known for, which is work for hire licensed video game development.” When asked if there was an underlying desire to pursue original ideas and IP, or just taking the work as it comes, Raithel says he was just happy making games for a living. Something he felt if asked before, he’d say there was maybe a ten percent chance of being a reality. They did want to work on their own ideas, but getting to work on bringing popular franchises to video games was cool in its own right. 

Eventually Black Lantern would open a second studio in Austin, Texas, and Raithel would go on to graduate from artist to president of the Springfield studio for a year under the condition that he would get the opportunity to start a satellite office in St. Louis. Despite moving around a lot as a military kid, and living in Springfield, MO as an adult, a town which he still has a lot of ties to and loves, Raithel said that St. Louis has always been his home. Forming a studio in his hometown was a lingering itch he longed to scratch, motivated in part, he said, by his self proclaimed “I’ll show you” attitude. And so Black Lantern St. Louis was formed. Their first game was a contract they received from their home office, a Ben 10 game developed for the Wii and Xbox Live Arcade.

Of the companies under the Black Lantern umbrella, Black Lantern St. Louis was small and nimble enough that their original mission was to do things Black Lantern at large had never done before, “eShop download titles, a Facebook game, an iPhone game, and so on.”, Raithel said.  A few years later Raithel would acquire the company from Black Lantern, they rebranded as Graphite Lab, and continued working on licensed projects for IP holders such as Nickelodeon, Hasbro, Konami, and Disney.

The original Hive Jump launched in early access, as did Hive Jump 2: Survivors. When asked what prompted the decision to switch from a 2D side scroller roguelike to top down bulletheaven style game, Raithel explains that the original game has an ambush mode where the game will hurl enemies at you until you die, but it was designed to be more of a temporary challenge and lacking in the roguelike trappings you would expect from a modern ambush style game like Vampire Survivors or 20 Minutes Till Dawn. It was a mode Raithel believed could stand on its own, and what he says was the inspiration for him personally to take Hive Jump 2 in this new direction. Raithel also credits Graphite Lab’s QA manager, David Greenfield, for having the foresight of putting the ambush mode together with this up and coming subgenre of games.

What began as, “Let’s work on it for a month and see how it goes.” quickly turned into over a year of work because Raithel said it just kept getting better and more fun. Of the early access experience for Hive Jump 2, and how it helps the team, Raithel said, “Once these games are out there and we’re delivering builds to players, we feed off that energy and it really helps keep us going. Keeps us motivated and holds us accountable to hitting those marks we know we’re capable of.” One of the things they were focusing on at the time of this interview, and to which Raithel gives credits to early access players requesting, was delivering end of level stats so players can get a better idea of how their run went. Something he said, “We never would have focused or prioritized if we didn’t have players like calling that stuff out.”

In addition to leading Graphite Lab, Raithel also teaches at Maryville University in St. Louis, and talked a bit about his role teaching a new generation of young people looking to break into a games industry that has been particularly unkind to the people who make games in recent times. He credits Maryville’s multidisciplinary approach to game design with giving his students ten to fifteen different skill sets that they can leverage when trying to build a career making games, and making sure that his students have options once they enter the industry. “You have art and animation, you’re learning 3D software, you’re learning web development, you’re learning scripting and programming, and you’re learning the Unity game engine, and you’re dabbling in Game Maker or Construct.” Raithel said of the program. Some of his students have gone on to work at places like Rockstar, others have made careers creating motion graphics while working in the esports industry, and more. All of which he credits to that multidisciplinary approach. 

Hive Jump 2: Survivors is being published by Midwest Games, which was founded by Ben  Kvalo who worked as the Lead Program Manager for Netflix Games. When asked about partnering with Midwest Games on publishing Hive Jump 2: Survivors, Raithel described it as two cars coming down the highway headed in the same direction, and generally a great fit for Graphite Lab. They pitched them on their interest in working with Midwest Games, their game, their loyalties to the Midwest, and now they are working together to get Hive Jump 2 published and released. “Midwest [Games] has shown a lot of confidence in us and helped us grow. And the game has gotten better and bigger and has implemented more player feedback because of their involvement.” Raithel said of the partnership. 

You can play Hive Jump 2: Survivors now in early access on Steam, or Steam and gog.com when it hits 1.0 on September 10th.