Top 10 Tracks From Nintendo Music for Your Sex Playlist

The release of the Nintendo Music app is exciting for many reasons. Not only do we now have high quality tracks from our favorite games from the past 40 years, but we can organize those tracks seamlessly into a sex playlist! Don’t act like you haven’t thought of doing it. To get the ball rolling, here are the top 10 best Nintendo tracks for when things are getting hot and heavy. And yes, these have been playtested.

“K.K. Cruisin’ ” – Animal Crossing

If you want to surprise your partner after a rough day of work with a sexy, fun evening all you need to do is turn down the lights, pour some wine, and put on this R&B banger. Once K.K. Slider’s silky smooth vocals kick in, neither of will be thinking about deadlines or bosses or repaying those bells you borrowed.

GCN Waluigi Stadium – Mario Kart 8

Truth be told there’s nothing remotely sexual about this, like at all. But for some reason anything Waluigi related is an instant aphrodisiac like ginkgo biloba or those boner pills you find in gas station bathrooms. Sneak this in between “Let’s Get It On” and “Sexual Healing”, you can thank us later.

Wii Shop Channel – Wii

Shopping at a time like this? Well no, but if you need to last longer and can’t distract yourself by thinking of baseball (Super Mario Sluggers hasn’t been added yet), set this in the middle of your playlist and sing the lyrics to “Update Day” in your head. It should buy you four or five more minutes, but the way Jay McCaroll says “Harvest Moon” will put you at a 40% chance of premature ejaculation.

Aquatic Ambiance – Donkey Kong Country

It’s one of the greatest ambient tracks produced via any medium, and it’s stood the test of time because there’s always been something sensual about a serene, tranquil underwater setting where you’re stabbing piranhas with a swordfish. The ethereal synths will heighten your senses for a purely transcendental experience. Bonus points if you’re banging on a water bed. 

Meta Ridley Battle – Metroid Prime

Nothing like a little industrial/techno to get the heart racing, but there’s also the subtext of the unending blood feud between Samus and Ridley to drive that intensity between the sheets. Set this one to repeat and neither of you will be able to walk the next day.

In the Guardian’s Sights – Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

If you need your partner to wrap it up or you’re just down for a quickie, there’s nothing like a panic-inducing piano tune to trigger their flight or fight response. Trust us, everyone who played BotW has PTSD from this song and  the human body is capable of doing some surprising things when they think about having a laser beam pointed at them.

Happy Little Workers/Grizzco – Splatoon 3

Hear us out! The Grizzco theme’s unsettling tone and lack of consistent rhythm perfectly suits any bedroom adorned with chains, whips, and handcuffs. What’s hotter than making your sub run around collecting eggs for you? On the flipside, the song also works for when the sex was trash and you want them out of your apartment as quickly as possible.

Fever – Dr. Mario

The ol’ doctor and patient roleplay is timeless, and who better to help fulfill those fantasies than Mario himself? Oh sure the upbeat chiptune Game Boy music may seem out of place at first, but when you’re in the middle of “thoroughly checking someone’s vitals” nobody is going to care. It’s about making it as real as possible! Plus it’ll also serve as a reminder to get checked for STDs.

The Entire Soundtrack – Super Mario Galaxy

If there’s two things in life you don’t forget, it’s the day you lost your virginity and the day you booted up Super Mario Galaxy for the first time. The vast majority of arrangements that make up the game’s one hour and thirty minute soundtrack are better than sex, so even if you just end up doing hand stuff it’ll feel like the first time over and over.

The Star Allies Have Your Back! – Kirby Star Allies

What is an orgy but a group of allies working toward a common goal of a continuous three hour orgasm? Like the game’s epic finale where all of Kirby’s friends throughout the game come together to destroy Void Termina, you and the 30 people who answered your Craigslist ad will come together and destroy the limits of ecstasy.

Guy Who Thinks Protesters Should Be Assaulted by Cops Gets Rebel Alliance Tattoo

CHICAGO — Local Krav Maga instructor Keith Moore was seen posing with his new Rebel Alliance tattoo at a police union’s protest management training event, sources report. 

“I love the rebel alliance and what they stand for, almost as much as I love seeing body armor-clad riot police flog student protestors who disrupt our nation’s security,” said Moore. “Every time I see one of our boys in blue pepper spray a group of young activists or detain a teenager for calling them names, I get a wild rush. It’s like watching Luke Skywalker fight Darth Vader. Those ANTIFA scum have the media on their side! All police have are their wits, body armor, rubber bullets, real bullets and surplus military vehicles. It’s a tough fight, but like Han Solo said, “never tell me the odds!”

Police Union Rep Duncan Dugan says Moore is a regular at police union events despite having never served with the police or the military. 

“Keith comes to our events all the time! He’s always talking about Star Wars and how riot police are like real Jedi,” Dugan said. “The guy is a movie buff! This week it was the rebel alliance tattoo, but last week he showed up to our ‘Tear Gas and You’ seminar with a White Tree of Gondor tattoo from Lord of the Rings. He said George Soros is Sauron, the protesters are the orcs and the police are noble rangers of Gondor. I bet it would be fun to see a movie with Ketih. Whenever we have a speaker come in to talk about how it’s better to shoot to kill than maim, he starts to clap and cheer. We love his energy!”

Tattoo artist Taylor Mayo says they didn’t learn Moore had never been to the same tattoo artist twice until after working on his Rebel Alliance tattoo. 

“I fucking hate that guy,” said Mayo. “He spent half the session talking about different choke holds he knew how to do. I do Rebel Alliance tattoos all the time, they’re the McChicken of the tattoo world, but at least the people who ask for them have seen and understand Star Wars. I think Keith has seen Star Wars, but I doubt he would understand anything that isn’t explained to him via a YouTube video of a guy ranting in his truck. I’ve also never seen someone cry so much while getting a tattoo either.”

At press time, Moore announced his next tattoo will honor fictional underdog Judge Dredd. 

Warner Bros. Announces New Popcorn Bucket With Accompanying Movie

BURBANK, Calif. — Warner Bros Studios has announced their 2025 slate, with “Untitled Popcorn Bucket Project” being a topic of discussion nationwide, confused sources confirmed.

“We’re really excited to share our newest projects with you,” Warner Bros spokesperson Maisie Paisley explained. “While we can’t dive too much into the details, we can tell you that this bucket will have a budget of $150 million and we hope it spawns a bucket-matic universe with at least three sequels. We can’t wait for you to see it! There will also be a movie to go along with it.”

Internal leaks have revealed just how comprehensive the bucket-making process has been. One memo revealed that Warner Bros hired a “Fuckability Consultant” to make their buckets both flirty and functional.

“It’s been one of the craziest projects I’ve ever been a part of,” Fuckability Consultant and former adult film prop artist John Raremy explained in a livestream after a search for the consultant went viral. “After the ‘Dune’ popcorn bucket became a de-facto Fleshlight, Warner Bros realized that centering their designs around sexual arousal would make them the most money, and thus hired me.”

While the popcorn bucket has dominated mainstream discourse regarding Warner Bros’ slate, others have tried to learn more about the movie accompanying the bucket.

“The writing process has been a nightmare,” Former staff writer Paige Turner expressed frustration about the lack of direction. “The executives just want us to write a movie around the bucket. So essentially all we have to work with is making a movie about something aluminum and fuckable; ‘Ex Machina’ has already been made! I had no choice but to resign along with a few of my coworkers.”

At press time, Warner Bros announced that both the popcorn bucket and its subsequent movie have been shelved and written off for tax purposes.

Game Night: Embrace Goth Robot Violence In ‘Awaken – Astral Blade’

The “indie Metroidvania” has become a cliché at this point, which I understand. The old Super Metroid/Symphony of the Night formula is proven, flexible, relatively easy to make, and has produced some big hits like Axiom Verge and Hollow Knight. I’d also point to a few personal favorites here like Timespinner and Iconoclasts.

The genre has been in the process of mutating for the last few years, however. Somewhere along the line, someone decided to start stealing mechanics from Soulslike games, like limited healing or a parry system, and fusing them into Metroidvanias.

The results have been mixed. Sometimes it works out – for example, I know several people who really like Ender Lilies – but more often it creates a game that’s both inaccessible and depressing.

Awaken – Astral Blade manages to break out that mold. I played it for the first time at an indie show a few months ago, where I was surprised by how easily I picked it up. It’s much more accessible than a lot of games in this particular lane; you get thrown right into the action and the combat has a nice fluid rhythm to it that’s more like Devil May Cry than anything else. It gets distinctly rougher as you reach its midpoint, but this is a better attempt at this sort of genre chimera than most of the indie games I’ve seen.

You play Awaken as Tania, a “combat bionic” who’s been dispatched as a one-bot rescue mission. A team of corporate researchers went missing on the isolated Horace Islands after reports of a major archaeological discovery, and Tania’s job is to find them.

The island is full of mutated plants and animals, created by wellsprings of an unknown form of energy. Soon, Tania’s creator/surrogate father orders her to investigate the source of that energy, which leads her to question her purpose, discover the Horace Islands’ complicated history, and fight a procession of biomechanical horrors.

You do have to acknowledge that Awaken wears most of its influences on its sleeve. Tania’s starting combos include Vergil’s Lunar Phase and Dante’s Stinger; it uses the Dark Souls checkpoint/health flask system; and of course, Tania is a sad white-haired android girl dressed in black clubwear, like a slightly better-adjusted 2B. Creativity is largely a question of hiding your sources, and Awaken didn’t hide shit.

That being said, what got me interested in Awaken in the first place is that Tania starts with most of her core skills. You begin the game with a sword and a forward dodge that doubles as an air dash, and quickly get taught how to end your combos with a “Power Surge” that allows for big, high-damage finishers. It’s relatively simple, but once you learn each enemy’s rhythm, you can style on most of them. Most of what I tried to do in Awaken worked, whether I was trying to use the combo system or not.

One of my pet hatreds about Soulslike combat, or at least the watered-down indie version thereof, is how you’re consistently placed in a defensive position. You have to watch for attacks, then dodge/parry them and counter. Awaken doesn’t force that approach; it’s powerful, but it’s not mandatory. It also doesn’t gate any of Tania’s core abilities behind a skill tree. I have a lot of pet peeves about how action games work in 2024, and Awaken simply doesn’t do most of them.

Most of Awaken’s challenge is reserved for its bosses, each of which has a broad assortment of attacks and at least two distinct phases. You can only heal in Awaken by using the 3 “flower flasks” that Tania carries around with her, so you can’t brute-force a boss by power-leveling or burning resources. The only way to clear Awaken is practice. Some of the bosses initially feel like brick walls, but patience, pattern recognition, and a few key upgrades can get you past them.

As you reach the game’s halfway point, however, Awaken hits a few unique snags. It’s got a couple of mid-game upgrades that don’t work particularly well but are also treated as critical, like the “gravity jump” skill, as well as an occasional emphasis on obnoxious platforming challenges. Awaken is at its best when it’s a fast-moving 2D spectacle fighter, and everything that gets in the way of me trashing robots/mutants/robot mutants drags down the whole.

Awaken also has a dose of the same impenetrability that Evotinction did, where it’s written like its prologue is missing. It’s particularly weird as you get further into the Horace Islands, as it engages a full, potentially complex subplot about the two extinct societies that initially settled the island… and then drops it like a hot rock. The story isn’t hard to follow, but it takes a lot of manic swerves.

As a result, Awaken – Astral Blade is a mixed bag. It’s got a great combat system that’s well worth expanding on, as well as some deeply weird environments, but its back half could have used some extra refinement. I loved the first couple of hours, though, and there’s real potential here. I’d like to see what the same team did with a new project.

[Awaken – Astral Blade, developed by Dark Pigeon Games and published by ESDigital Games, is now available for PlayStation 4&5 and Steam for $19.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an ESDigital Games PR representative.]

Lionsgate Announces New Saw Prequel “Young Jigsaw” Starring Tobin Bell

LOS ANGELES – Fans of the Jigsaw killer and the Saw franchise are getting another prequel that goes back even further into the origin story of John Kramer. Called Young Jigsaw, the film will follow an adolescent Kramer, played by the ever spry, Tobin Bell, as he learns the tools of the trade that eventually lead to his life as Jigsaw.

CEO of Lionsgate Entertainment, Jon Feltheimer, confirmed the existence of the upcoming prequel during Lionsgate’s latest earnings call.

“The one constant in Lionsgate’s history, aside from me of course, is the superb Saw franchise that our partners at Twisted Pictures have continued to surprise us with,” Feltheimer said, before the 73-year-old CEO busted out 20 body squats in the middle of the video presentation. “Saw X took us back to Jigsaw’s early days. With Young Jigsaw, we’ll go back to John Kramer’s middle school days and answer the questions viewers have been asking since the series began, like ‘how’d John get into civil engineering’ or ‘why does Tobin Bell look like he hasn’t aged a day over 21?”

Feltheimer continued the call singing praises for the talented cast of Young Jigsaw. His most glowing words were reserved for Tobin Bell in the titular role.

“I’ve seen an early cut of the film, twice. Both times someone had to point out Tobin to me,” Feltheimer said, switching from body squats to jumping jacks. “We had a lot of background middle schoolers in the movie and Tobin just blended in with them like it was nothing. At this rate, I don’t see why we couldn’t follow Jigsaw through high school, and all four years of his undergrad program at NJIT.”

To end the call, Feltheimer brought out his grandson, who he introduced as the future of Lionsgate.

“I love my grand dad, but I am going to be honest, he don’t got the rizz,” the nepo baby said before removing his flat bill hat and revealing he was in fact Tobin Bell putting on a masterclass in acting. “In all seriousness though, I love working with Jon and hope we get to keep making these movies until they put us both six feet under.”

At press time Bell was spotting Feltheimer on the bench press as the CEO proceeded to rep out 225-pounds for a set of three to wrap up the earnings call.

Your Department of Education Free Trial Period Ends January 2025

Hello America,

We here in Washington D.C. hope that you have been enjoying your free trial of the Department of Education. This is a friendly reminder that your free trial period ends January 20, 2025, and we would hate for you to lose access to the Department’s great features that will totally still be there after inauguration day.

As you have been such an ardent supporter of our services for nearly 45 years, we would love to extend to you an offer to upgrade your subscription to our premium package. We just know you’re going to appreciate what we have in store for you and your families.

With the free version of our service, you may have noticed that some public schools weren’t all that well funded, and that is in no way due to systemic inequities resulting from tying public school funding to local property taxes. These places are just inherently bad and they’re there to serve bad kids, and by “bad” kids, we may or may not mean kids that happen to be “poor”, or “brown”, or “had their limbs shot off by an AR-15 in 3rd period English class”. If you upgrade to our paid service today, we can find an empty spot at the almost-fancy private school that our buddy runs and your child can learn about our lord and savior Jesus on the taxpayer’s dime away from all those woke freaks. That’s if you’ve already got the money, of course; education is a privilege and not a human right, after all.

But hey, what if you actually are one of those poor weirdos? We’ve read all of your suggestions about our free trial’s “Student Loan” feature, and we are happy to report that starting next year, this feature will be fully privatized. That means in just two short months, the payments you’ve been making for the entirety of your post-graduate lives while working two jobs that refuse to pay you overtime will be overseen by a team of loving businesses. And as we all know, large corporations historically always meet the needs of the working class! Expect low interest rates especially once the profits from the 80s finally trickle down which is definitely going to happen any day now!

But that’s not all! On top of all these new and exciting benefits, our team is hard at work developing further updates for our Department of Education services. Please look forward to future releases that will aim to:

  • Remove protections for those privileged gay and trans kids.
  • Institute monthly book burnings.
  • Optimize the school-to-prison pipeline.

Thank you for continuing to work with us after all this time; it truly means the world to us—you know, the normal parts of the world. Not the parts with the immigrants that are poisoning the blood of our country.

Don’t miss out on this amazing offer!

  • The Trump Administration

3 Dead After Police Respond to Noise Complaint at Mario Party

NEW YORK — A routine noise complaint in a Brooklyn apartment turned tragic Thursday night, leaving three dead and one hospitalized as authorities and neighbors search for answers.

NYPD Captain Toad provided details in a press conference the following day:

“We dispatched to the residence after operators received several distressed calls regarding elevated noise and possible domestic disturbance. Unfortunately, responders were unable to de-escalate the situation after learning a substantial quantity of gold coins may be on the premises. We are currently investigating the whereabouts of the stolen property.”

Police have withheld the identities of everyone involved, but captioned body cam footage released by the department shows four individuals in a heated argument before engaging in a violent melee.

“LEMME READ THE TUTORIAL IN PEACE OR I’MA GONNA DROWN YOUR RICH ***** GIRLFRIEND IN A PIPE FULL OF KOOPA ****, YOU FAT ****!” shouted one suspect who was then bludgeoned with large dice by a similarly-dressed character replying, “LETSA GO, IT’S TWO ****ING BUTTONS, *****. MAMA MIA WOULDA SMOTHERED YOU IN THE CRIB IF SHE KNEW YOU DUMB*** WAS GONNA STEAL FROMA YOU BROTHER!”

Neighbors expressed shock and remorse in interviews conducted by local news networks.

“They invited us to their jamboree but we declined, we’ve been to parties there before and they get rowdy — but never anything like this. We called the cops hoping they’d just break it up early. At worst we expected they might kill Bow-Wow… but shooting everyone? It’s a tragedy. I’m really going to miss Mario, he was handy to have around and a great doubles partner.”

At press time, coroner toxicology reports suggest extreme levels of psilocybin as a possible aggravating factor at the gathering.

Sedentary Gamer Worried Ozempic Is Giving Him DEI Chin

GARLAND, Texas — A gamer who has recently begun taking Ozempic for his diabetes has become worried about the undesired weight loss is giving him “DEI Chin”.

Brett Cooper, who goes by the handle BasedMemeLord, has been lamenting the fact that his hard earned “Gamer Physique” is being ruined by the medicine that is keeping him alive.

“If I lose any more weight I’m gonna end up looking like ‘Larry Croft,’” Cooper complained. “It’s bad enough I can’t open Steam without getting a bunch of woke DEI garbage shoved in my face. Now I can’t even look in my mirror without looking like a Sweet Baby Detected character.”

Cooper’s roommate and childhood friend, Phil Grosky, said the sudden weight loss has put a strain on their relationship.

“Brett, he still says all the right things: ‘DEI kills games,’ ‘go woke go broke,’ and has several ongoing harassment campaigns against a bunch of games ‘urinalists,’ but I’m not sure I can trust anyone who has a distinguishable chin,” Grosky said. “Last week I caught him buying Dragon Age: Wokeguard. He said he bought it by mistake and would be demanding a refund,  but Steam says he’s played for over twenty hours.”

When confronted about the “Dragon Age: Veilguard” purchase Cooper said it was done out of a necessity for research, and not to support “DEIWare,” which he later clarified was developer BioWare.

“I’m providing a public service,” Cooper said. “I’m playing this game so others don’t have to wonder just how woke it is. I’m not having a good time playing this garbage, and anytime you see me smiling on stream it is out of incredulity, not because I’m happy. Woke pharma decided it’s not enough for NPCs to have DEI Chin and it must be foisted upon the Common Gamer in the real world. I’ve been posting for months now that wokeness in games would have real life consequences, and now here we are.”

At press time Cooper was seen attaching a prosthetic double chin to his face.

Trump Surprised to Learn Monopoly Hotels Make Money

PALM BEACH, Fla. — After an exhausting end of campaign push in swing states across the country, President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump was surprised to learn that hotels in Monopoly make money, sources at Mar-a-Lago confirm.

Trump and his closest confidants gathered together for a calming game of Monopoly late Tuesday night to prepare for the absolute destruction of democracy.

“It’s a nice distraction for Mr. Trump, he loves Monopoly,” said Vice President-elect JD Vance to the press. “And it was good to finally get some face time with him. Now that we’ll be working closely together on dismantling the democratic institutions of America, it’s good we had a chance to talk, however briefly.”

Attendees for the night included Vance, as well as Trump’s three sons, Eric, Don Jr. and Barron.

“Melania was invited too, but we took her six months of silence as a no,” Eric told reporters when pressed about the small turnout.

As the game commenced it became clear to those around him that Trump was not in the right state of mind for a whimsical game night with the family.

“He literally owned property in Atlantic City, he should be way better at this,” said Trump’s youngest son, Barron. “But all he was worried about was getting out of landing on the Income Tax spot and why the hotel pieces didn’t have his name on them.”

The night did take a turn, however, when Trump began collecting colorful currency from the other players. A rush of energy seemed to shoot through the bronzed 78 year old man. This excitement only grew when Trump realized the hotels in the board game actually make you money.

“It was the happiest I’ve seen him in years,” said Don Jr smoking a cigar laced with cocaine at the end of the night. “He giggled every time he passed go, and eventually started waxing poetic about the ‘late great Mr. Monopoly,’ we didn’t have the heart to tell him he isn’t dead and isn’t real.”

The night concluded with Trump in the lead with the most money, as well as the most control over the properties, including pivotal swing space, Pennsylvania and North Carolina Avenues.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Trump. “I mean hotels that make money legally. What a concept. I was swiping money from everyone’s pile when they weren’t looking and then one of my sons, Evan I think his name is, told me, ‘Dad’ he said, ‘Dad the hotels here make you money that you collect from players, you don’t have to steal it.’ Wow. That’s news to me, but what a brilliant concept let me tell you.”

At press time, the Mar-a-Lago community Monopoly game was discovered to be missing its ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ cards.

America Confirms Backwards Compatibility with 2016

WASHINGTON — The United States of America has officially confirmed that it will be backwards compatible with 2016 starting in January 2025.

While there has been much speculation over the last few months whether or not America would implement backwards compatibility for 2016, the country officially confirmed the feature late Tuesday night.

“While some unpatriotic dissenters would prefer for us as a nation to move forward, we are proud to announce that the country will officially support backwards compatibility with 2016,” said Vice President-elect J.D. Vance in a press conference, while his eyes longed for a new leather couch. “The fact of the matter is that Americans want backwards compatibility and that’s what we’re going to give them. We’re not stopping at 2016 either. Once we’ve fully implemented 2016 compatibility we will keep working to make the country even more backwards compatible. Soon we’ll be backwards compatible with the 1950s, 1939, even the 1800s. Cotton fields are coming back in a big way.”

The country’s elected leadership is more than happy to give the people what they want in moving the nation backwards.

“Anger, fear, division, ineptitude. Everything you all loved about 2016 will be available again starting January 20. We’re not stopping there though. By the time we’re done, this great nation will be backwards compatible with the dark ages. Vaccines. Gone. Autism. Gone. Gluten allergies. Gone. Women’s rights. Gone. Non-believers of the Christian faith. Gone. Prima Nocta. Back. Free reign to kill any animal that crosses my path and eat its innards right in the middle of the street while I howl in victory. Back.” said RFK Jr.

President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump said that the push for backwards compatibility will usher in a golden age for the country.

“We’re going back folks. We’re moving the country backwards just like you wanted, it’s gonna be a golden era let me tell you. This whole place will be showering in gold. We’re going back to the times when women were women and men were men. That’s what we need and that’s what we’re gonna give you folks. Men are gonna be men again, yes they are. No more gays folks, no more gays let me tell you. Just big beefy manly men,” Trump said while pretending to give his microphone a sensual fellatio.

At press time, Democrats were reportedly briefing Hillary Clinton on Pokémon Go.