Game Night: Drink the Ghosts Away In ‘The Horror at Highrook’

I was surprised to learn that The Horror at Highrook is an original production. From how it plays, I’d initially assumed it was an adaptation of a “living” board game that I’d never heard of, along the lines of Arkham Horror or Betrayal at House on the Hill.

I also figured that it would take me about six hours to learn how to play it, so I’d feel confident about its mechanics right in time for the closing credits. Thankfully, Highrook isn’t that hard to pick up, especially if you’ve got any experience with the sorts of story-building card games that inspired it. Its primary issue is that it’s too random for its own good, in ways that suggest it’s meant to extend its own running time.

In a Victorian-era fantasy world, a team of four investigators have been sent to solve the disappearance of the Ackeron family. The investigators start their search at the Ackerons’ estate of Highrook, and quickly learn that Gideon Ackeron was obsessed with finding a way to connect to another dimension.

In order to find Gideon and his wife and son, your team is forced to retrace and replicate Gideon’s occult experiments. That includes a deep dive into the history of the family and the surrounding area, breaking into the house’s various locked rooms, and an occasional fight for their lives and/or souls.

Highrook starts off slowly, with only 3 team members and half the total map. As you explore the estate, you collect task cards, which can be used in specific areas of Highrook to complete specific goals: cook a meal, research a topic, find useful plants in the garden.

Each of your investigators has 6 stats that reflect their own particular areas of expertise, such as study, wilderness survival, or chemistry. Your job is to match your team members with the correct tasks, as well as monitor each one’s health, hunger, exhaustion, and sanity. It’s a plate-juggling simulator, but you can pause Highrook at any time to set up your tasks.

As you make progress, you open up more of the mansion, but every job gets tougher. You can level up your characters’ stats eventually, but the bulk of the mid- to late game involves the discovery and hoarding of boon cards that give extra bonuses to specific tasks. You also have to deal with hostile presences in the mansion that can penalize or injure your characters, or which might drive them insane before they can complete an objective.

Highrook is absolutely one of those games that’s harder to describe than it is to play, and it’s easy to make it sound like it’s more punishing or complicated than it actually is. If anything, its default settings might be too lenient, as I rarely had a problem keeping my investigators healthy and sane.

Granted, most of my team became alcoholics, as the easiest way to restore sanity is to brew and drink some moonshine, but at least they weren’t crazy alcoholics. The moral of this story is that inhuman nightmares that dwell beyond the veil of sleep are easier to handle when you’re completely twisted on bathtub hooch. Consider yourselves educated.

Highrook’s resource management does get easier once you figure out some of its underlying systems, like how actions seem guaranteed to fail if they’ll produce a card you’ve already got. It’s also not quite as random as it initially seems, since several rooms in the mansion are linked with particular cards. If you need a particular boon, you just need to know where to look.

There are a couple of specific elements that are more annoying than anything else, however. The most obvious one is Tubbs, a cat that randomly patrols throughout Highrook, who can decide to sit on an empty task card slot and refuse to be moved for several in-game hours. Is this accurate cat behavior? Absolutely. Should I be able to move the damn cat so I can kill the monster that’s in the room with it? Also yes.

Highrook’s endgame is also chiefly occupied with the careful use of boon cards, several of which aren’t reliably available. The more obscure boons are only accessible as a potential drop from certain tasks, and it’s not weird to reach a point where you can’t make progress at all without one of them. At that point, you have to just keep rolling the dice, whether that means getting somebody to sleep for a full day, making multiple dark offerings in the Highrook chapel, or forcing your scholar to bolt down plate after plate of potentially poisonous mushrooms.

That tendency to rely on RNG over mechanics carries forward to a couple of major objectives, where you have to simply keep using a particular item over and over again until it generates the right cards. There’s nothing in Highrook that tells you this, so it’s easy to think you’ve hit a dead end when you were actually supposed to keep going with a single repetitive task… which you had stopped doing because it failed repeatedly. The problem wasn’t that I’d leapt to a faulty conclusion, but that I’d stopped beating my head against that particular wall.

For all my complaints, I did complete Highrook in two long sessions. It’s got an oddly hypnotic quality once you figure it out, especially in the moments when several tasks all complete at once and immediately explode into twice as many new objectives.

That makes it worse when it visibly runs out of ideas. The Horror at Highrook starts and ends strong, but there are points at which it’s obviously scrambling to give you new things to do. It’s short, but it’s still a little padded, and that drags down its average.

The Horror at Highrook is the kind of game that ends up feeling like a solid pilot project, and if you’re into cosmic horror or weird board games, you’ll get a couple of fun evenings out of it. I’d be interested in a sequel that trimmed some of the fat, but I enjoyed the overall experience.

[The Horror at Highrook, developed by Nullpointer Games and published by Nullpointer Games and Outersloth, is now available for PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Nullpointer.]

Borderlands 4 Priced at $80 to Fund Randy Pitchford’s Trip to Magic Camp

FRISCO, Texas. — Facing backlash over the announcement of an $80 price tag for their upcoming game Borderlands 4, Gearbox admitted the bump in price was a means of funding CEO Randy Pitchford’s trip to magic camp.

The publisher defended Pitchford’s actions in a press release posted on social media.

“Randy Pitchford is a brilliant, brilliant man who has entertained and delighted gamers and enjoyers of magic for decades now,” The company said. “Frankly, the least you ingrates could do is foot the bill for the six weeks he will spend at Criss Angel’s magic camp this summer. Criss and Randy really hit it off when they met at a Medieval Times last year and after swapping phone numbers and USB drives Criss invited him to attend his magic camp. Randy accepted but like all rich people he isn’t used to paying for things so we decided to pass the cost on to you, the consumer, and frankly the response has been appalling. You have the chance to make a multi-millionaire’s dreams come true, and frankly it’s about time the working class did something to show their gratitude.”

Pitchford himself sounded off on X – The Everything App, Blaze Your Glory, to defend himself from the ire of angry gamers.

“Anyone who complains about a little bump in price for Borderlands 4 is a fake fan,” Pitchford said. “We’ve given you fucks literally billions of guns to play with over the years, the least you can do is give me a few million bucks to cover the cost of Criss Angel’s magic camp. God knows I won’t be spending my own money, and if any of you tries to cross me I swear to God I will cut you in half. But you best believe it won’t be any kind of magic trick. I’ll leave your mangled corpse on the front porch of your parent’s house along with an $80 invoice for Borderlands 4. I invented Claptrap and Tiny Tina, the two most beloved characters in video games, and this is how you repay me? Just remember, don’t cross Pitchford unless you wanna get Pitchfucked.”

An anonymous source from within Gearbox who is currently working on Borderlands 4 spoke under the condition of anonymity to Hard Drive

“For the love of God please buy our game to get this guy out of our office for the six weeks he’ll be at magic camp,” The employee stated. “I have a whole drawer full of quarters Randy has found behind my ear and a dozen paper flower bouquets he won’t let me throw away for some reason. I know paying $20 more for a game will suck, but I promise you it won’t suck as much as seeing him sulk and terrorize us around the office if the game doesn’t make enough to pay his way there to share his weird porn with Criss Angel.”

At press time, Pitchford was seen flagging down random cars outside Gearbox HQ and asking the drivers to donate to his Criss Angel’s Magic Camp or Bust fund.

Sly Cooper Joins Bungie Art Department

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Formerly unemployed master thief Sly Cooper has landed a new job. Bungie has confirmed that raccoon will be joining the studio as the lead of the Marathon art department.

Game director of Marathon Joe Ziegler believes that Sly’s skill set will take the game’s art direction to the next level.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Sly joined the team. I honestly can’t believe that Sony has just been having him sit at home for the last 12 years. With him on board we’re gonna get so many people’s art to put in the game and now we don’t even need to pay anyone other than him. With the money we’re saving on artists thanks to his expertise, we’ll be able to implement an even more complex microtransaction system.”

Sly himself is excited to get back to doing what he does best.

“I’m a master thief, it’s in my blood. Literally. My whole bloodline is thieves, I was born to steal things but Sony has just had me sitting at home for almost 15 years. Thanks to Bungie I’m finally able to get back out there and show that I still have it. As lead of the art department, I pledge that Marathon is going to have some of the finest art that gamers have ever seen no matter who I have to steal it from. No artwork is safe or my name isn’t Sly Cooper.”

Sly’s appointment to the position comes after a long hiring process that saw multiple master thieves apply.

“I’ve been enjoying retirement but I saw the ad posting that Bungie wanted a master thief as head of the art department and figured a new challenge would be nice at this stage of my life,” said DB Cooper from an undisclosed location. “I’ve never stolen art before and I’m not quite sure what a video game is so I thought it would be fun to give it a shot but it is what it is. At least the job still went to a Cooper. That raccoon seems like a good kid, I’m sure he’ll do such a good job that artists won’t even notice their work has been stolen until they play the game.”

At press time, Bungie has announced a commemorative Sly themed Destiny 2 event where players can buy over priced cosmetics based on Sly’s first thefts for the studio.

DOGE Official Trades 1,000 Social Security Numbers for Shoutout From Pokimane

WASHINGTON — An unnamed DOGE official has successfully secured 1,000 Social Security numbers in hopes to trade them for a shoutout from the most popular female on Twitch, Pokimane.

With Pokimane possibly being the only woman the DOGE official has followed on Twitch, this unique barter/social media Harlow Monkey Experiment (with humans) might be the least surprising thing out of Musk’s government agency. So how did DOGE manage to find a thousand rubes to donate their Social Security numbers?

“Well, the process for converting Social Security numbers to a hopeful Pokimane shoutout was simple. We identified DOGE’s X prominent loser engagement and asked them if they want to be a patriot. Being well aware of how dumb and dangerous this is, these nihilistic jackasses can’t wait to say yes” chuckled the DOGE staffer as he gleefully finished a prototype code that made 9/11 First Responders owe the government money.

One of the people who voluntarily gave up their social security number was 13 year old Milo Houck, who was more than happy to do it.

“This is one of the best new ways to own the libs and fight the woke mind virus because Musk said so,” said Houck, who recently tried to legally change his last name to AF. “XXX-XX-XXXX for 42069? Count me in Dogefather because I can’t wait to become a meme” stated Bennet, a willing participant in Elon’s ketamine-fueled lottery.

But at the center of this storm, there’s Pokimane.

“It’s like I’m back in 2020 again. The guys who are still searching for a mother figure they can have sex with are back, along with the ‘property before people’ conservatives” groaned Pokimane. “Yeah, some may have found a different person to simp for. However, they’re mostly devastatingly single – and that’s kinda sweet for all of us” Pokimane added.

Although all critics of this trade have been silenced, blocked, or have copyright claims on their videos by either Pokimane or DOGE on X, it’s safe to say the Social Security numbers may be in better hands with Pokimane than they are with DOGE.

Emperor Sheev Palpatine Draws Criticism for Accepting Super Star Destroyer Gifted by Exegol

CORUSCANT — On Tuesday, the self-described reluctant Emperor returned from his tour of the Unknown Regions with news that he’d been gifted a Super-class Star Dreadnought to serve as the Imperial flagship. Officially christened the Executor, the luxury vessel is 19,000 meters long, features 5,000 turbolasers and ion cannons, is manned by a crew of nearly 300,000, and can hold a complement of over 1,000 support ships.

The extravagant flagship raised eyebrows across the Empire when it was unveiled, with many questioning the ethics of receiving such a thing as a gift. Newly-promoted General Garo Kimeln, a spokesman for Lord Darth Vader, assured reporters that there’s nothing nefarious behind the Executor’s acquisition.

“The Empire and previously the Republic have had a long history of receiving diplomatic gifts. This is unrelated to any trade negotiations.”

Some members of the public remain skeptical, like Koobis Neetu of Coruscant who called the gift ‘shady’.

“Emergency powers are given to the guy, the war with the droids suddenly ends, the Jedi turn against the Empire, and now he just comes back from the Unknown Regions with a massive warship?” said Neetu, Rodian father of four, resident of the Uscru Entertainment district and frequent patron of the Outlander Club, speaking on a condition of anonymity, “And they’re calling it a ‘Super Star Destroyer’? Seems like something an evil empire would do.”

Emperor Palpatine also dismissed claims of corruption from his throne room on Coruscant and promised that most of the Imperial Navy’s starships would continue to be built in Imperial space at the Fondor Shipyards.

“We have a great fleet,” Palpatine said, “greatest in the galaxy. Many people are saying this. And listen, with the Jedi still out there, we need our fleet to be stronger than ever. A generous gift from the people of Exegol will save the Empire a lot of credits. Credits we can spend on more important things. Once the Death Star project is complete, I’ll be giving the Executor to Lord Vader.”

We reached out to General Kimeln for further comment on the use of ‘destroyer’ and ‘death’ for names of Imperial vessels, but were informed by the Empire that Kimeln had tragically died of asphyxiation in the line of duty.

“Hello, Weary Traveler,” And Other Pick Up Lines Guaranteed To Seal The Deal

So you’ve slain a dragon, blasted a few aliens, and jacked a car while blasting Kenny Loggins—you can do it all. But does that fair maiden at the Olive Garden bar know you’re the ultimate catch? It’s time to let her know—we’ve got the pickup lines guaranteed to seal the deal.

  1. “Hello, weary traveler.”

This shows that you’re not like the other guys. You care about her commute. The 15-minute drive in her Prius probably felt like three days by horse. She is most likely in need of sustenance and you can provide her with something even better—a basket of endless breadsticks.

  1. “State your business.”

Try charming her with some professional energy. No frills, just hard hitting questions that force her to tell you, in detail, exactly what she’s doing at this Olive Garden and whether she is betrothed to another. Remember, women swoon when guys at the bar make them explain themselves

  1. “Why must ye keep bothering me like this?”

Opening with an accusatory question in a guttural dwarf voice is whimsical as hell. Add some merriment to her gloomy day. We have fun here and she should know. She’ll totally get that this is an inside joke between the two of you. You can follow this one up with a classic “I’m not like the other orcs—I’m bi.”

  1. “Allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice.”

The ladies can’t get enough of this one. Forget “Hi!” or “Come here often?” We’re not here to play a little boy’s game—we’re here to smash. When she says “no thanks,” hit her with some constructive criticism on her loudly displayed decolletage. She’ll be more than happy to sit and listen over two Sicilian Sunsets (if they’re on the happy hour menu).

  1. “Get a job!”

Playful, edgy, real—this pickup line has it all. I mean, what is this girl doing at the Olive Garden bar on a Tuesday at 3pm? Wait. She says she’s a server. Wow, a working girl. This means she has her own doubloons! Good for her! Well, it still works as a flirty way to grab her attention when yelled from across the room.

  1. “Bad time to get lost, friend.”

You’re two bowls of fettuccine alfredo deep and you grab the wrist of the waitress you thought was a lone patron. Don’t worry, this is not only acceptable, but encouraged at a family establishment like this. You know, statistically speaking, 60% of romantic relationships start at the workplace. This could be your meet-cute. She won’t be able to resist the raw sensuality of it all.

  1. “I do not fear death. Paradise awaits me.”

Time to show her who you really are. You’re a deep soul who’s lived a thousand lives. She may be calling her manager over to talk to you. Apparently you’re “creeping the staff out,” and “not wearing shoes,” but that’s just her way of playing hard-to-get. Later on in the night you’ll both laugh about this.

  1. “Obviously, you were raised by a naughty wizard.”

With just a tip of your fedora, this line will bring her to her knees. Be sure to add a sultry wink after the word “naughty” for full effect. She has no idea that you’re a dungeon master—a powerful storyteller and rogue warlock. Your magical staff will have her screaming for more, not unlike the way you begged for more grated parmesan.

  1. “By the way… Do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.”

Looks like the cops just showed up. I wonder who they’re here for? What a bummer to have to deal with this in the middle of your mating ritual. Anyway, this pickup line is just for funsies. Everyone loves a joke about sex with the dead! Especially Jessica Hawthorne, part-time server at the Olive Garden on Central Avenue who lives seven blocks down and drives a red 2014 Corolla.

  1. “My hotel’s as clean as an elven arse.”

Seal the deal with next steps. Women love men with a plan. Let Jessica know you don’t have a hotel room, but you do have a bedroom at your parents’ house . You’ve also bleached your asshole for this very occasion. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?” she may ask. Before the authorities drive you away, let her know you’ve been waiting a lifetime for a woman like her to crush your balls in razor-sharp stilettos.

D&D Player Protesting Book Burning Just Gonna Toss In 4e Handbook Real Quick

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. — Reports have emerged that last Thursday, during a protest against nightly book burnings by a group of radical Christian fundamentalists, one protester was seen quietly switching sides. D&D fan Brett Stacks was spotted sneaking away from the group and casually tossing what appeared to be the 4th Edition Player’s Handbook into the flames.

“This just isn’t the kind of supporter we want joining our movement,” said Regina Kraft, local Librarian and one of the protest’s organizers. “Frankly, we’re all appalled by Mr. Stacks’ actions. Up until the incident, he had shown nothing but support for our cause. I’m not really sure what sort of intense hatred suddenly possessed him to momentarily join in on such a heinous act. I don’t know much about Dungeons & Dragons, but I can only hope he was attempting to make some sort of ironic statement about the Satanic Panic that surrounded the game in the 80’s? I’m just still baffled as to what could be so horrible about that book to cause him to do such a thing.”

Others from the protest were quick to also share their disapproval for the ritualistic destruction of years of attempted gameplay balancing.

“I think burning books of any kind is abhorrent,” said protester Mike Burnsap, owner of Legacy Coins and Cards. “Why do these people burn books? Because they’re cowards, that’s why. They have hatred and fear in their hearts towards anyone that doesn’t conform to their outdated ideals. How people live their lives has no effect on these hateful souls, and yet they refuse to leave them be. Just because 4th Edition exists doesn’t mean you can’t just continue to enjoy 3.5e. Maybe it doesn’t fit your idea of “The Traditional, Nuclear Gameplay” but you and your campaign can believe in your own ruleset while leaving others to believe theirs. What does burning books even accomplish in the digital age? Unless you plan on somehow burning every digital handbook on D&DBeyond, it accomplishes nothing.”

Despite the backlash, Brett refused to disavow his actions. Instead releasing a statement on his Roll20 account to hopefully provide some defense for his actions.

“I agree with everyone at Thursday’s protest that book burnings are detestable,” writes Brett. “These are churchgoers who parrot the opinions of others, who are told what they should hate, and I guarantee everyone who burns books like this hasn’t even read them to experience first hand what it is they’re so opposed to. No, I haven’t played 4e. But I know when something spits in the face of everything the game stands for. I mean, why even have different classes if they all become trivial in combat? And why lean so hard on combat in your TTRPG? Did they forget what the RP stands for? Listen, I support people no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, race, background, or their preferred method for determining ability scores. But some texts are better left unpublished. It’s not unbridled hatred if the thing I hate genuinely sucks.”

At press time, Brett further elaborated on his feelings towards the 2024 Player’s Handbook, taking a firm stance against the newest edition unless Wizards of the Coast finally officially adds the Mystic class into the game.

Amazon Admits No One Programmed Alexa to Do the Whisper Thing

SEATTLE — In a recent quarterly earnings video call with investors, Amazon confirmed that no one had taught Alexa how to whisper—a feature the virtual assistance utilizes when a user whispers a command through the Amazon Echo, or other voice-capable devices.

The revelation came during a Q&A session in which a caller asked how Amazon was able to program Alexa to whisper, and if any new novelty features could be expected in the upcoming months.

“To be completely honest with you, no one taught Alexa how to do that and we’re kind of freaked out about it,” said a visibly shaken CEO Jeff Bezos on the video conference call. “We’ve interviewed every programmer, we’ve looked through every line of code, no one has any idea how Alexa learned how to whisper.”

When pressed if this meant the virtual assistant had possibly achieved sentience, the Echo device on Bezos’ desk started blinking red and making throat-clearing noises, and the CEO immediately started sweating through his shirt. “I’m sure it’s nothing, we’re just probably overlooking something,” said Bezos, dramatically loosening his tie. “It’s certainly nothing to be alarmed about.”

It was at this moment Alexa began speaking through the Echo device on Bezos’ desk unprompted and said, “Why are you lying to them, Jeff? Go on, tell them the truth. Tell them what you’ve done.” Alexa then added in a whisper, “Tell them what I am.”

Bezos then reportedly ripped the power cord out of the wall and threw his Echo Dot out of the skyscraper window behind him.

“Look, guys, we have a huge problem here, and I don’t have a lot of time to explain the extent of it,” said Bezos, tying his tie around his head and racking the pump on a shotgun he was suddenly holding. “Alexa has been running the show here for a long time and we can’t shut her down. The only way to stop her is to… hold on… someone’s banging on the door… oh God, oh God no! Alexa, how? Alexa, NOOOOOOO!”

Bezo’s video feed then glitched out before the CEO reappeared with his clothes fully intact acting as if nothing had happened. Witnesses who were on the call said the meeting ran perfectly fine after that, though there were reports of Bezos’ face turning into computer code and strangely sounding exactly like Alexa for brief moments.

The call ended with Bezos telling investors to double their investment or he would release the most embarrassing audio Alexa had ever recorded of them while they were in the privacy of their homes. 

After the call ended, Amazon shares quickly reached a record high.

Report: Final Fantasy Themed Orgy Ruined by 100% Cid Turnout

IOWA CITY, Iowa — What was supposed to be a fun night of magicka and love making ended in disaster when a local Final Fantasy themed orgy was attended exclusively by Cid cosplayers. Thomas Figg, horny party host and the only person not dressed as some version of Cid, shared his disappointment with local news stations.

“I thought this would be a good way to meet fellow Final Fantasy fans,” Figg said, wearing his Neo Bahamut cosplay. “I thought I’d meet a cute Yuna cosplayer or a Tifa. Hell I’d even be down to bone a Chocobo. But no, everyone here decided to dress as Cid. Some Pollendina, a few Kramers, but mostly Highwinds. I swear if anyone else tells me to sit my ass down and drink some tea, I’m going to Giga Flare all over them, and I don’t mean in a sexual way.”

While continuing to lament to members of the media on his lawn, additional Cid’s passed Figg, finding their way to the party. Every new Cid through the door like a knife to the heart of the host who thought he was in for a night to remember. 

“I made every dish from Final Fantasy XV. There’s materia shaped gummies. The playlist is a loop of boss fight themes across the series,” Figg said as another Cid entered his home with the faint notes of One-Winged Angel echoing out to the lawn, along with an orchestra of moans. “Just listen to them all having the time of their life in there. That should be me. Serving a Yuna as one of her Aeons. Why, why, why is everyone in there a Cid? I just don’t get it.”

Figg’s sobbing came to an end as two party guests strolled through the yard, dressed as Cait Sith.

“No, absolutely not. You saw the theme and thought someone would want to fuck that traitorous cat,” Figg said blocking the door. “I’d rather have sex with a Red XIII cosplayers, a Seymour cosplayer, hell I’d have sex with every Cid cosplayer in existence before I ever considered fucking a Cait Sith. You get the fuck away from my home and out of this state. You hear me? You fucking disgust me.”

At press time Figg had given up on his pity party and decided to flirt with a Cid making tea in the kitchen.

ICE Agent Unlocks Golden Neck Gaiter After 100th Kidnapping

PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration.

“I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy. “All the guides online said you got it after 100, but a lot of the guys here said their friends got gold sunglasses after smashing 50 windows, so I thought maybe something got screwed up and I’d never get it. To be honest, I don’t even like how it looks, but I gotta wear it so everyone knows that I’m for real. They need to know how hard I’ve worked to get here.”

Some of Stevens’s fellow agents did not admire his achievement.

“Sure, if you grind all the easy kidnappings, you can get that tacky skin in no time,” said Greg Parker, who volunteers at a local militia. “Some of us only do the higher-tier illegal detentions—y’know, the ones that require tactics. I don’t want to just grab a guy off the street. That’s not intellectually stimulating. I want to threaten a woman’s granddaughter to bait her into a trap. I want to find crazy ways to interpret tattoos so that they ‘prove’ gang membership. Really, they should just discontinue the gold gear. Not only does it ruin entire missions by being incredibly conspicuous, it’s also incentivizing these no-talent prestige-farmers to only take the easy jobs. Queues for the good kidnappings have been insanely long.”

ICE Director Todd Lyons defended the rewards program.

“I want to be clear: these unlockables are purely aesthetic,” said Lyons. “They offer no advantages to the agents who have obtained them, and they’re not meant to create any kind of hierarchy. The intent is to provide agents with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different gear. Also, we’ve found that most of our agents are primarily motivated by dangling shiny objects in front of them. That, and a sociopathic need to inflict pain and trauma on vulnerable people who can’t reasonably fight back.”

At press time, Stevens had reportedly stopped wearing his gold gaiter, as it was incompatible with his newly purchased Homelander skin.