Kaitlyn Dever Awarded Medal of Honor for Accepting Role of Abby in The Last of Us

Posted on by Parker Johnson

After it was announced she will be portraying the character Abby in the second season of HBO’s The Last of Us, actress Kaitlyn Dever was awarded the Medal of Honor for her bravery in taking on the role.

“I’m really excited to join the cast, especially with incredible actors like Pedro Pascal and Bella Ramsay,” Dever said in a statement. “But I’m not quite sure why I’m also getting this much, uh… sympathy from people? People have told me I’m so brave for taking the role, but I haven’t even gotten a script yet. Not sure what the big deal.”

Active fans of The Last of Us Part II were shocked act the actor’s seeming enthusiasm at taking on the role.

“Wow, she seems really excited!” said TLOU fan Spencer Buchman. “Maybe… too excited? Does she know how divisive the source material was? Someone tell her to stay far, far away from the Internet after the premiere of episode 3.”

The White House said the nation was very eager to award the nation’s greatest honor to Dever for her bravery.

“I’m not sure she has any idea how brave her actions even are,” a White House spokesperson said. “Taking on a role like Abby takes quite a lot of courage. When Laura Bailey was in the role in 2020, it would have been hard to predict how weird and awful people would have been to her. With hindsight, though, we know exactly how badly fans will treat the next person to portray Abby. Congratulations Kaitlyn, and good luck to you when season 2 begins to release.”

At press time, Last of Us fans were beginning to draft the worst insults and death threats they could possibly think of when the inevitable anger-inducing episode premieres.

Bethesda to Introduce Paid Bugs to Starfield As ‘Legacy Quirks’

Posted on by Ted Curtis

Bethesda announced today that classic glitches and bugs from previous Bethesda Softworks titles will be available to purchase in Starfield as ‘Legacy Quirks’ under the Creations banner.

“Bugs and glitches have always been a core part of the Bethesda experience,” said Bethesda Games Studios Director, Todd Howard as part of the announcement, “and despite our dedication to making Starfield our biggest and most polished world yet, we realized that perhaps we made the game ‘just work’ a bit too well.”

Bethesda revealed this news as part of an ongoing initiative to reinvigorate interest for their newest title after a slew of tepid to negative reviews from players, citing the game’s ‘lack of soul’ and ‘boring gameplay.’

However, Bethesda believes that this new line of downloadable content will help sway those of their hardcore audience who felt burned by the studio’s uncharacteristic choice to release a functioning piece of software.

“Our hope is that, by reintroducing these ‘chaos features,’ we can imbue the universe of Starfield with some of the Bethesda Magic™ that we all remember from our first horse glitch in Skyrim. We still have nightmares of those messed up character models wearing invisible power armor. Now players new and old can enjoy those same experiences for a modest fee.”

The first wave of ‘Legacy Quirks’ includes several character-animation glitches, clipping instances, random loss of save-data as well as the loss of key items from your inventory. Controversially, it will even include the chance to delete the player’s console operating system at random.

The announcement brought with it a divided community, with some praising Bethesda’s attempts at placating their audience and others criticizing their reluctance to make meaningful improvements to the game.

“They really think they can trick us into paying them more of our hard-earned cash just to make the game objectively worse,” said Dicky Rickson on X, “but I’m not falling for it this time, Todd. No matter how long you stare at me with those dreamy, blue eyes and perfect cheekbones I won’t give in. Not even for the glitch that allows chickens to report you for a crime. Okay, maybe I’d pay for that one.”

While Bethesda has yet to announce the next wave of glitches, many fans are already speculating on possible returning ‘chaos features’. One of the most infamous recurring glitches in the community is one where gamers begin playing Starfield only to minutes later see themselves playing Baldur’s Gate 3 instead.

This one glitch surprisingly seems to have received overwhelmingly positive reactions from all players, as they’re just happy to be playing a much better game.

High-Maintenance Boyfriend Insists on Wired GameCube Controller for ‘Smash’

Posted on by Greg Smith

OAK PARK, Mich. — Terrence Glenn, 32, is a bit “high-maintenance” about certain items and traditions, reports girlfriend Whitney Davidson.

“Terry’s sweet, really,” said Davidson. “He just needs things to be up to a certain level to be comfortable. Like when he’s playing Super Smash Bros, he needs a wired GameCube controller for the Switch so the buttons don’t lag and he doesn’t get upset. I got him a wireless controller for Christmas, and wow that was a scene,” continued Davidson.

During a recent movie night at home, Glenn reportedly spent most of his time adjusting the settings of his television and sound bar.

“He was showing me Snake Eyes, which he called ‘underrated,’” said Davidson. “But I couldn’t really see the movie because he kept opening up motion smoothing, and HDR, and audio output menus that took up the whole screen. I fell asleep for a bit, and when I woke up, he was upset I wasn’t watching.”

Alexander Hessler, Glenn’s college roommate, insists Glenn’s habits aren’t anything new.

“He’s just sensitive and gets upset easy,” said Hessler. “Back in college it took forever for him to get ready to go out for the night. We’d all have to wait around for him to get the exact right outfit on.”

“I’m glad Whitney’s helping him speak up for himself about his needs,” continued Hessler. “And I’m glad he got a wired controller because his Ness play was struggling.”

When reached for comment, Glenn asked if the interview could take place over Zoom, spent 14 minutes trying to connect his USB microphone, then hung up the call with tears in his eyes.

Experts: No Way to Truly Know if Redditor You’re Arguing With Is Bot or Child

Posted on by Travis Madole

SILICON VALLEY— A panel of experts, including AI engineers, behavioral scientists, and child healthcare specialists, gathered today to discuss whether the Redditor you’re actively arguing with, u/LastShartbender27, is a rudimentary algorithm designed to keep people engaged with advertisements, or a child aged 12 or under.

As of the publishing of this article, no consensus has been reached.

The experts pored over the Redditor’s comment history – which predominantly consisted of them saying “This” in response to agreeable, inoffensive posts – in an effort to better understand the entity.

Harvard’s Professor of Behavioral Science, Dr. John Mister, leaned on the side of Shartbender being a child, citing a discussion they had about Super Mario 64 on the popular subreddit r/gaming.

“Any measure of AI would have a wealth of online discourse to use when describing Mario 64, and an older teenager interested in video games, even one that had never played the game, would certainly know some details through cultural osmosis,” said Dr. Mister. “To describe the level design as ‘narrow’ and ‘linear’ is ponderous indeed, and indicative of a child making something up.”

Google’s Chief AI Officer, Dr. Rebecca Who, disagreed with Dr. Mister, drawing attention to a comment the Redditor left on an r/television thread about the upcoming adaptation of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” starring Donald Glover and Maya Erskine, in which Shartbender said, “Ultimately, it’ll all come down to the chemistry between the leads.”

“This is classic bot behavior. To regurgitate a sentiment so frequently and mindlessly repeated by others is a hallmark of an inelegant program,” said Dr. Who.

“We can definitely all agree that a functioning adult would derive no pleasure from getting upvotes from strangers for simply repeating someone else’s thought,” she concluded, garnering nods of agreement from the other experts.

Ultimately, the fact that the Redditor provides no benefit to society was the only thing the experts could uniformly agree on.

At press time reports confirmed you are still fuming about the argument and letting it generally ruin your day.

Johto Resident Desperate to Talk About Anything Besides Pokemon for Once

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

GOLDENROD CITY — A local resident has been driven to near madness as she fruitlessly attempted to engage in a discussion about any topic other than Pokémon, sources confirmed before directing the conversation back towards Pokémon.

“For Arceus’ sake, can’t we talk about poetry, or politics, or even the goddamned weather?” said Lara Berry, as she walked a few feet inside her home before stopping to turn ninety degrees. “Everything is Pokémon! There’s a guy in this city whose job is rating the nicknames of Pokémon. You can’t get away from it! I went to the Game Corner to try to distract myself, but all the games were Pokémon-themed. I thought a nice workout might take my mind off of things, but the local gym is really just a place where people battle Pokémon. I tried to listen to some music to calm down, but the only device that gets the radio is called the Pokégear. Why does that need to be about Pokémon? Why can’t we call it a, I don’t know, ‘Zune’ or something? Okay, that’s a bad pitch, but it still doesn’t need to be about Pokémon.”

Some of Lara’s friends have grown frustrated with what they see as her attempts to dominate conversations.

“Lara is in my book club, but I don’t know how much longer we can tolerate it,” said Tammy Branch, a resident of nearby Azalea Town. “For the past eight months, she has relentlessly nominated books that the group has absolutely no interest in. Silly things with names like, ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ or, ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ Then she gets all mad when we decide to read ‘Status Conditions and Catching Pokémon’ for the twelfth time instead of her bizarre suggestions. I mean, that’s real literature! She almost tricked us into reading something called, ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,’ but we realized just in time that there’s no Pokémon named ‘Cuckoo.’”

Lara’s boss expressed concern that her refusal to talk about Pokémon has started to affect her job performance.

“Lara does great work, but she can’t seem to get along with anyone these days,” said Bridgette Powers, chief of medicine at the Goldenrod City Pokémon Center. “She even begged me to implement a ‘No Pokémon Talk’ rule for our office last year. How did she expect that to work? Our work literally revolves around treating injured Pokémon. Besides, we tried that rule for the holiday party and it lasted all of five seconds before someone brought up their new Totodile, and it was the most dull five seconds of my life. We share this world with some of the most fascinating and wonderful creatures you could possibly imagine. Why would I ever want to discuss anything else?”

At press time, Lara was seen becoming briefly excited to discuss the concept of friendship with a stranger who had burst into her home before realizing that he was asking her to evaluate the bond he had with his Pokémon.

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #934 January 9, 2024

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to losing a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 9.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

Already Jan 10 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 934 January 9, 2024

Wordle Hint Today
Today’s Wordle Hint

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

A cosmetic applied around the eyes to enhance their appearance.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“R”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“E”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“N”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“I”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“L”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 400 days straight! So here goes nothing:

3…

2…

1…

The Wordle answer today is “LINER”

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #933 January 8, 2024

Wordle #932 For January 7, 2024

“STONY“

An adjective that describes something that is hard, firm, or has the appearance or qualities of stone.

Wordle #931 For January 6, 2024

“CABLE“

A thick insulated wire, often consisting of multiple conductors, used for transmitting electrical power or signals.

Wordle #930 For January 5, 2024

“LUNGE“

A sudden forward movement used for attack or strategic positioning.

Wordle #929 For January 4, 2024

“SCANT“

An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.

Wordle #928 For January 3, 2024

“TWIRL“

The action of rotating or spinning something around its axis or in a circular motion.

Wordle #927 For January 2, 2024

“AGING“

The process of getting older, typically associated with the passage of time.

Wordle #926 For January 1, 2024

“MURAL“

A large-scale artwork or painting that is created directly on a wall, ceiling, or other permanent surface.

Wordle #925 For December 31, 2023

“SALTY“

A taste sensation associated with the presence of salt.

Wordle #924 For December 30, 2023

“THREE“

The numerical representation of the quantity 3.

Level 1 Bard Found Dead After Entering Encounter He Was Wildly Underleveled For

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Unsurprising news came Monday morning from Hollywood as Jo Koy, a level 1 bard was found dead after attempting to host the Golden Globes Sunday night.

The low level bard accepted the quest from CBS after several more experienced candidates refused to answer the call. One such person being tenth level bard Chris of house Rock, who declined the honor for a myriad of reasons.

“I tend to stay away from award shows now,” Rock said, dismissively, “After my encounter with that brigand William Smith, I just don’t care to put myself at risk. I’ve a reputation to uphold and being accosted like that again or having to address it further would be unbecoming of me.”

Rock is not the only one who declined the quest. William Arnet, Jason Bateman, and Sean Hayes of clan Smartless all refused to accept the challenge. Even the great duo of Fey and Poehler claimed this task was beneath them, leaving CBS without much options.

A listing for the quest was posted on a Burbank job board, offering 10 gold to anyone who would be up for the task. It seems the only one who would accept it was the far from humble initiate bard, Joseph Koy.

Koy’s performance was not received well at all Sunday night. As he stood upon the stump floundering awkwardly, he could be heard insisting the hirelings given to assist him with the quest had written all the bad jokes no one was laughing at. The beloved sorcerous Taylor the Swift appeared to cast Eyebite on the hapless bard causing him to become panicked. His performance only worsened at that point.

The Great Queen, Lady Meryl Streep, was also upset by the performance, and said the jester’s feeble attempts to flatter her were taken more as insult than as praise.

“I did not appreciate him trying to get me to do the so-called ‘Wakanda Forever’ salute,” Lady Streep said, clearly dismayed, “However, as the consummate professional I am, I could not disappoint the peasants watching at home.”

It is believed the cause of death to be the enchantment Power Word Kill, cast by the powerful Warlock, Harrison Ford. The Golden Globes clerics determined it may be possible to save the bard, but decided against wasting the spell slots.

Zuckerberg Jumps Around Quickly Building Sniper Tower on Private Island as Final Circle Closes on Him and Two Servants

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

TILTED TOWERS — According to a leaked video recording from his Hawaiian island compound, Mark Zuckerberg recently quick-built a tower in order to get a better angle on two servants during the final circle with his suppressed sniper rifle.

“As much money as we spent on the Metaverse we just couldn’t recreate the guttural screams of a man as I take his last breath” said Zuckerberg. “When I saw all of the contractors building my island compound I started to realize maybe it’s time to get out in the real world and touch grass, ya know?”

The Facebook founder then elaborated on how he managed to obtain another victory royale, and inform the surviving family members of those who competed.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to get out of that one. One of them had a gold scar and a ton of mats. I’m lucky I had the angle on him and caught him off guard,” said Zuckerberg. “It helps my crew put some sedatives in the pre-game meal.”

At this point, an employee walked in to give a report on the state of the game.

“Sir, we’re having trouble with the pace of updates. I know you said we should keep it as identical to the real game as possible, but we’re running into a lot of unexpected issues,” said the employee, clearly visibly worried. “Epic Games doesn’t need to bag up and burn 99 bodies for every match, and they don’t need to tear down all of the builds. It’s a computer game, it just happens automatically. Do we really need to drop you out of a flying bus every time? It’s starting to get expensive.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was seen dropping out of the sky to land on top of a perfectly recreated one-to-one replica of Tilted Towers.

Report: Twitch Streamer Just One More Gift Sub Away From Falling Deeply, Madly in Love With You

Posted on by Traye Holland

INTERNET — Multiple close associates of your favorite Twitch streamer have reported that she is just one more gift sub away from falling deeply, madly in love with you. Yes, you, the reports confirm.

“You’re all she ever talks about,” said a close friend of your favorite Twitch streamer. “Before she streams, she’ll ask me if I think you’ll be watching today. The look on her face when she asks can only be described as longing. After each stream she won’t stop asking me ‘Did you see how many gift subs they sent me? Did you? Did you?’ On the odd days when you don’t watch, she spends the rest of the day moping around, wondering where you were.”

While it may seem at first your favorite Twitch streamer paid you little to no mind, sources report that with each gift sub you sent she began to pay more and more attention to you. Sources confirm this led her to feel affection and even infatuation for you, despite not knowing your name, face, age, location, values, interests, hobbies, goals, profession, passions, personality traits, pet peeves, culinary tastes, fears, anxieties, religious views, political leanings, relationship status, or anything about you at all, really.

“Please, I’m begging you, don’t send her another gift sub,” begged the Twitch streamer’s current boyfriend, who is 6 ‘4 and the most loving and loyal partner anyone could ever ask for. “If you do, I know she’ll leave me. She’ll pack up her bags and show up right outside your door. I just know she will. The last time we made love, she called out your Twitch username. I can’t take this anymore.”

Regular viewers have reported your favorite Twitch streamer’s eyes noticeably light up every time your username pops up on her screen.

“I just can’t help it! It’s so romantic,” said your favorite Twitch streamer. “There’s just something about a complete stranger on the internet sending me exorbitant amounts of money to get my attention that is not at all worrisome! It’s not creepy or sad in any way whatsoever!”

Your favorite Twitch streamer then reportedly sighed your name while looking dreamily off into the distance, hand on their chin, thankful that doing their job doesn’t attract any troubling attention from strangers online.

Jack Black Joins Cast of ‘Minecraft’ Movie as Incredibly Loud Gravel Block

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

BURBANK, Calif. — Despite early reports that Jack Black had been cast as player character Steve in the upcoming “Minecraft” movie, the actor recently confirmed that he will be taking on the role of an especially noisy block of gravel.

“The way I see it, gravel is a whole bunch of rocks,” said Black, who broke into an exaggerated falsetto at several points throughout his statement. “And there’s nothing I love more than rock. Especially when it’s really, really, really loud rock. So when I got this script and saw there was a role for a bunch of really loud rocks, I was like, ‘Steve, who? I wanna play this guy.’ I called up my agent right away and sealed the deal. Comeonahyeah-haaa!”

Fans of the blockbuster sandbox game were excited about the casting news.

“This cast is absolutely stacked! I can’t wait to see the movie,” said Joey Connor, 10. “Jack Black was so funny in the Goosebumps movies, and I still listen to ‘Peaches’ from the Mario movie every day on the ride to school. I heard Jason Momoa is gonna be the Ender Dragon. That’s right, Aquaman himself will be the final boss of the whole movie. I heard he was in ‘Game of Thrones,’ too, but my mom won’t let me watch it, which is totally unfair. My friend Terry gets to watch it and he’s only three months and two days older than me.”

The production team was reportedly thrilled to have Black on board.

“I’ve always thought gravel was the most dynamic of the substrates,” said Hess, the project’s third director. “So it was important to find the right person to play this block. If I shot ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ with anyone besides Jon Heder in the lead role, it would have flopped. I worked with Jack on ‘Nacho Libre,’ so I knew he would have the perfect energy for this character. He’s large-yet-agile, multi-faceted, and when he comes crashing down, you’re sure gonna hear about it. Plus, I have personally witnessed him dropping flint when someone hits him.”

At press time, producers announced that Matt Berry had been cast as a cacophonous block of sand, which they described as, “kind of like British gravel.”