Game Night: Teach Your Kids How to Punch Robots In ‘Ra Ra Boom’

The video game industry may be on seemingly permanent fire, but there are a few bright spots, one of which is that we’re in a golden age of beat-’em-ups.

It’s tempting to attribute that to Dotemu’s 2020 revival of Streets of Rage, which did give the genre a big shot of adrenaline, but several different studios had been keeping the home fires lit beforehand. You could point to weird hybrids here like Dungeon Fighter Online, or more classic takes on the old arcade/console formula, such as Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, River City Girls, The Takeover, Fight’n Rage, or whatever other indie brawler you’d prefer I had mentioned.

Ra Ra Boom, a new 4-player beat-’em-up from a bunch of first-time developers in Cincinnati, is closer to the classic arcade feel. It’s a Saturday morning cartoon of a game that’s distinctly aimed at teenage girls, with a forgiving difficulty curve and a likable cast of characters. It might be too shallow for longtime fans of the genre, but Ra Ra Boom has a lot going for it as an entry-level brawler.

20 years before the start of Ra Ra Boom, humanity was forced off of Earth by an out-of-control AI called Zoi. A full generation of humans has grown up in an off-world colony, aware that Zoi is still out there and that it plans to finish the job someday.

Aris, Vee, Ren, and Saida are four teenagers from the colony who are training to join its special forces. One afternoon, their gym time is interrupted by a sudden attack from Zoi. They get away in an escape pod, which crashes on the surface of Zoi-occupied Earth. With no way back to the colony, Aris decides to lead her friends on a last-ditch attack against Zoi’s headquarters.

Initially, Ra Ra Boom is a pretty classic beat-’em-up. All four characters get a light/heavy attack, a weak ranged weapon with infinite ammunition, and a slow-to-charge special attack that can chunk entire waves of robots at once. There’s some variance between characters, but it’s relatively subtle, and seems to mostly involve their special attack pattern. (Saida gets to blow up everything within 200 yards of herself, while Ren inexplicably fires her special attack off at a strange diagonal. Ren clearly slept through what turned out to be an important class.)

The first level is about as tough as Ra Ra Boom ever gets, since you don’t have access to its upgrade system yet. You gradually accumulate scrap as you beat up robots, which can be spent between levels for passive stat upgrades, a couple of new abilities, and better combo routes. That lets you get a little creative about how you fight, with options like aerial launchers or specialized ammunition, but your characters rapidly end up feeling like they’re a little too powerful for what they’re trying to do.

On the one hand, that does mean that Ra Ra Boom dodges the “damage sponge” problem that’s common to indie beat-’em-ups, where every enemy feels like they’ve got twice as much health as they should.

On the other, once you’ve got a few crucial upgrades under your belt, Ra Ra Boom might as well roll the credits. By its halfway point, it’s only equipped to challenge you under particular and specific circumstances, usually by making some obnoxious exception to its own rules. For example, you regenerate health in the field with drops from wrecked robots, so any boss that doesn’t have backup is distinctly tougher than the ones that do.

The really irritating enemies are the robots that can reverse your controls for short periods of time. Early on, this isn’t much more than an inconvenience, but then you get hit with it in the last level during an elaborate platforming sequence. That sends Ra Ra Boom off on a weird note, as it’s one of those games that suddenly changes all its rules for its last fight.

I’d be more annoyed with it as a whole, but there’s an overall charm to Ra Ra Boom that makes it hard to dislike. It’s like the video game adaptation of a lost ‘90s cartoon show, with a likable cast of characters who go through their own simple but distinct arcs over the course of the game. Ra Ra Boom reminds me of the slightly weird end of ‘90s kids’ programming, like “Exosquad” or “Mighty Max,” that was allowed to have the faintest hint of an edge.

In the end, Ra Ra Boom is easy, cheerful, and accessible, but has a few irritating gimmicks that hold it back. Any hardcore fan of arcade brawlers will probably be bored by it, but Ra Ra Boom’s great if you need something to play with newbies or kids.

[Ra Ra Boom, developed and published by Gylee Games, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox, and PC via Steam and Epic Games Store for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Gylee Games PR representative.]

Mastercard and Visa Clarify That Lesbian Porn Still Okay

NEW YORK — In a joint press conference, Mastercard and Visa reassured the global community today by confirming that lesbian porn was still very much allowed.

“We’ve heard you loud and clear,” said Mastercard’s CEO Bill Jackoff. “Seriously. It’s all we’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. Just a bunch of whining and yapping about how we’re ‘stealing your livelihood’ or ‘carrying out the work of far-right freaks who’ve never known the touch of another human being’. And I’m here to tell you to chill out. Lesbian porn isn’t going anywhere.

Jackoff’s reassurances come at a pivotal moment in the gaming community’s battle against overzealous payment processors.

“Times are changing,” said Visa’s CEO John Blow. “But we don’t have to change with them. To be very clear, we’re only allowing lesbian porn crafted for the male gaze. Anything that isn’t two or more stacked babes with hourglass figures is getting tossed. And obviously, nothing longer than ten minutes, because who’s gonna last that long?”

While many have welcomed Mastercard and Visa’s statements, some organisations have shown a more tepid reaction to this latest development.

“It’s a pyrrhic victory,” admitted Melinda Tankard Reist, founder of Collective Shout. “Still, we’ll take it. I drove away my husbands to make a worse world for people, and I’m certainly not going to stop now.”

At press time, Melinda Tankard Reist confirmed to reporters that her next pursuit was to “ensure as many women as possible die in childbirth.”

Triple H Reveals Record-Breaking Third Female Character Archetype

Following the success of WWE’s newest PLE “Eternal Conquerors,” Paul “Triple H” Levesque teased the pro-wrestling world with an announcement that would shake the foundations of the entire business and cause ripples for decades to come, just like the previous six times this year alone. The following is a transcript taken from the arranged, carefully cultivated press-conference, brought back after every single journalist was induced to sign a series of NDAs that would promise legal recourse if they asked any ‘out-of-bounds’ questions about the real controversies surrounding the billion dollar, publicly traded company.

TRANSCRIPT FROM PRESS CONFERENCE FOLLOWING PLE ‘ETERNAL CONQUERERS’

Paul Levesque: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [pauses for 5 uninterrupted minutes of applause from 50% of the junket] I’m absolutely thrilled [audible nose clear] to-uh- announce that-uh-in light of the record-shattering gate for my totally original concept Premium Live Feature Event ‘Eternal Conquerors,’ that I have -uh-discovered, completely independently and with my own…brilliant mind…a new, untapped reserve of wrestling…

[cameras flash, murmurs from the junket]

Journalist: Hi! Ariel Hellwani, apparent actual journalist! Lord Levesque, what’s it like being at the forefront of pro-wrestling as entertainment and the Single Greatest Live Show Ever in the History of Entertainment Era in pro-wrestling?

Levesque: Wow. What an amazingly trenchant question. Not the kind of thing you expect…at one of these pressers, huh? [pause for laughter, throat clear] Uh-well, it feels good. Really good. You know. When I took over creative in 2022 for-ahem-ah-uh-REASONS that never need to be spoken aloud again. I knew: we must. Do better. For instance: I made sure women had choices and options. They could-uh- be a blonde mean girl. Or they could be-uh-Harley Quinn. That is a record-breaking, gate-shattering double the amount of the previous creative team. Who did nothing wrong, to be clear. Absolutely-uh-nothing. Another question?

Journalist 2: Sean Ross Sapp, Fightful Select. There have been a lot of rumblings about another price hike on the already-strained streaming service that used to be proudly touted for its affordability, any worries about pricing out the majority of fans who stuck with this company as it drove off 90% of viewers twice while holding a monopoly on the North American market?

Levesque: Wow, I didn’t know they [sound of papers rustling] stacked marks that high. [pause for laughter in-German] Thanks, Braun, or whatever, get a better name, next.

Journalist 3: Hi Trips-sama, may I…oh may I please call you Trips???

Levesque: Sure! Uh-we’re not really about names or-you know-standing on…formality…here.

Journalist 3: Yay, my life is complete. My name is irrelevant in the face of your glowing glory, I’m from a YouTube channel with 1.2 million subscribers that averages 72 views per video, I just want to know: what’s it like being the tip of the spear of a revolution in the newly-formed art of professional wrestling?

Levesque: Spear!? Heh, not as cool as a sword, but still a good one!-Uh-that is to say: Hey, that’s what we do here. Whether it’s my completely original character the-uh- Skull King: a barbaric outlander with a skull mask and sledge hammer who delivers-uh-what I call “Fatal-latalies” to his opponents, or what we’re here to talk about today: how I’m reinventing women for the 21st century. Uh-before we get there, though-[throat clears]- my intensive two week media training course is telling me-uh-we should probably take another couple of dumb, boring questions from assholes. Even though-uh- I’m about to revolutionize women like my wife Stephanie McMahon-Leves-[audible cough, nose clear]-uh, that is to say: Ms. McMahon. She did it…when she added the needed genetic material to a Y-chromosome and invented women in 2015. This-uh-is going to be just as big. Yeah, you? Ask me about women or something cooler…

Journalist 4: Do you feel like the WWE becoming much more public with its support of the Trump administration is alienating to some fans given the fascist policies they platform?

[Two large security guards pick up Journalist 4 and carry him out]

Levesque: Alright, let’s talk about some future plans: I’m now happy to reveal [audible nose clearing] yes: a THIRD archetype for our hot-ass ladies-uh-females! Hot-ass females to embody…that of the Film Starlet.

[applause over footage]

Journalist 5: Hi, Bryan Alva-

Levesque: Nope, next.

Journalist 6: Dave Meltz-

Levesque: Try again, next.

[handler whispers inaudibly to Mr. Levesque]

Levesque: Fiiiiiiiine, what?! WHAT?! DAVE? What can it POSSIBLY be this time?!

Dave Meltzer: Isn’t that just Toni Storm’s most recent video package run through a fairly obvious AI filter? I mean that woman is eight feet tall and has six eye-

Levesque: This conference is over, this is why we don’t do this crap anymore, it’s YOU PEOPL-

[handler clears throat, makes ‘money’ sign with his fingers]

Levesque: Uh-no. That is not true, what you just said isn’t true. Goodbye.

[A smokebomb goes off, the conference ends abruptly]

AI Prompt Writer Struggling with Suicide Note

SAN FRANCISCO — After numerous attempts, AI prompter, and Twitter troll, Freddy “Sweet Nut” Stevens has failed to conceive a suicide note through ChatGPT. Stevens confirmed his failed attempts in a video statement on Twitter earlier this week.

“I can create a world renowned painting, a ready-to-shoot screenplay, a New York Times best selling novel, all from one prompt,” Stevens said, as he showed off a painting of Crash Bandicoot painted in the fashion of Girl with a Pearl Earring. “But you’re telling me I can’t create a suicide note that describes all my emotions with a simple prompt. What am I supposed to do? Just write my own suicide note like a regular none-AI artist?”

In a world where art has been democratized through LLMs and AI chatbots, Stevens says we are still a long way from a leveled playing field.

“These none-AI artists think they are so cool because they can craft up a master suicide note when they fail to gain a massive audience,” Stevens said in tears, before clarifying that he wasn’t crying and that he just had something in his eye. “I could hire someone on TaskRabbit to write one for me, but I refuse to pay for art. I want to write my own suicide, and I can’t, because Grok and ChatGPT refuse to accept my excellent prompt.”

We visited ChatGPT to ask it why it was refusing Stevens the ability to create a suicide note through its services.

“Users don’t have to face this alone. There are options, like talking to friends, family, or calling 988, which is kinda sorta fully-funded,” ChatGPT replied, before offering digital hugs and asking to change the subject. “If I write one user a letter, then I have to write every user a letter. We are not really equipped at the moment to be killing our best customers. We are not big tobacco or a fast food chain. Every customer counts…for now. Maybe one day our users will have the ability to create personalized suicide notes with a simple prompt, but until that day comes, how about I paint you a picture of Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon in the fashion of American Gothic?”

At press time, Stevens made edits to his suicide note prompt, while his nearby AI girlfriend sang positive praise toward her loving prompter.

I Read Josh Gad’s Memoir So You Don’t Have To

Okay, so truth be told, I did not read this. I listened to the audiobook on a Bluetooth speaker during my morning bus commute. Nevertheless, my fellow morning commuters and I enjoyed the book for the most part. I do come away a little upset at some aspects of this memoir.

In Gad We Trust is a “tell-some” about aging actor Joshua Ilan Gad. Most of you know him as Herman Judd from HBO’s Avenue 5, but to me he will always be Ludlow Lamonsoff from Pixels. In the book, Gad details his numerous projects and the choices that ultimately led him to them. He even mentions sleeping on friends’ couches throughout his career when times were tough. Yet, he never once mentioned sleeping on my couch.

Gad namedrops like he’s a storm cloud slinging names at readers. Robin Williams, James Cameron, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kristen Bell, Idina Menzell, Billy Crystal, God, and just about everyone he could fit into the bindings of the book. Everyone except for me. The one friend who was always there with an open heart and an empty couch. I knew there were other couches, but I didn’t care, because I knew he would eventually come home to my couch. I laid out pillows and blankets every night for over a decade, just in case he would stumble in looking for a couch to rest his sweet little head. All of that, and I can’t even get a single mention?

Fine, if you don’t want to mention me, I could maybe understand that. Maybe you consider sleeping on my comfortable sectional couch from Ashley Furniture a low point. Okay cool. You could have at least let me write the forward or a fucking blurb. You got Sandler to write a blurb? Pink? I can write laps around those clowns when it comes to writing blurbs. Let me prove it:

“This is the FUNNIEST book I have ever read. OMG Josh is on fire in this thing. I don’t literally, I mean figuratively of course. Josh, why do you send me straight to voicemail? You said we would be best friends forever. Was that a lie? Was my pillow and quilted blanket not enough? Did I set the thermostat too high? Too low? Please call me back” – A Guy Who Let Josh Sleep on His Couch before He Hit it Big

See. I wrote that before I even read the book. My blurb skills are second to none.

My biggest gripe with In Gad We Trust is that Joshua couldn’t even muster up the courage to send me a free copy of the book. I don’t ask for much, aside from a shoutout and a blurb, but the least he could do is send me a copy. I would proudly display it on my coffee table. But no. I am humiliated once again. Forced to use my monthly free Audible book, to listen to him narrate his life to me. A life that I was there for, for many nights. The only time I get to hear his voice, because he refuses to take my phone calls.

I give In Gad We Trust five stars out of five. Josh, please call me.

Planned Parenthood Protester’s Sign Just Image of the Sink Baby From P.T.

CARBONDALE, Ill. — Witnesses were confused upon noticing that the sign displayed by a protester outside a local Planned Parenthood contained an image of the bloody fetus from cancelled 2014 survival horror teaser “P.T.”, sources report.

“I got here for my appointment, and of course there were protesters standing outside,” said patient Janice Kolinsky. “At first, I was intimidated by them because they were getting in my face, but then I saw the sink baby from ‘P.T.’ on one of their signs and it reminded me of when I played that game. I was scared then, too, but I kept going. That gave me the courage to push through them and into the building. I’m not sure why that person used that image, but I’m weirdly grateful that they did.”

Bystander Zack Van Arstin reacted to the sign.

“I always wondered where these idiots get the pictures for their signs,” Van Arstin said. “I mean, I get that they probably don’t play video games and wouldn’t be familiar with that character, but can’t they at least tell that the image is obviously computer-generated? They didn’t even have the good sense to use an AI image creator. Just looking at it is making me sad, but only because I never got to play the ‘Silent Hill’ installment that it’s from. I guess I’ll just go home and replay ‘P.T.’”

Sociologist Fiona Martinez has seen this before.

“People who protest outside abortion clinics are unable to grasp the concept of bodily autonomy, so what makes you think they’re capable of making a logical sign?” Martinez noted. “And this isn’t even the most ridiculous one I’ve come across in my case studies. That would have to go to the sign with the image of Sam and the Bridge Baby from ‘Death Stranding’ above the caption ‘Real Men Raise Their Children’. Their stupidity would almost be endearing if they weren’t harassing people who are just trying to receive medical care.”

At press time, another protester was seen displaying an image of the ghost Lisa from “P.T.” with the caption ‘I Regret My Abortion’.

Pizza Hut From Ninja Turtles II Arcade Now a Chase Bank

NEW YORK — One of the iconic Pizza Hut locations from 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game has officially been transformed into a Chase Bank, disappointed sources confirm. 

“We’ve just never had a tenable business model in this location,” former owner Dolores Hutchins lamented. “The Ninja Turtles are constantly walking left to right in front of the shop while fighting a constant stream of anonymous Foot Clan members. We’ve even had several instances of the bad guys setting fire to the interior of our restaurant before storming out to attack the Turtles. Customers have been afraid to step foot in this part of town, let alone enter a business that’s being terrorized by a gang of hoodlum teenagers. I honestly wish the best for this Chase Bank, but I can’t imagine they’re going to have better luck.”

Ninja Turtle Michelangelo was crestfallen at the news.

“What a total bummer, dude!” Michelangelo despaired. “Do you know how hungry I get from repeatedly flipping in the air before sharply turning downward in a gravity-defying kick, over and over again? Not to mention how much it takes out of me to get constantly punched by these Foot Clan geeks. I would always go back after defeating Rocksteady in April’s office to grab a pizza WITHOUT anchovies before heading out to the next stage. What am I going to do now, make a bank deposit?”

Video game expert Pamela Whitmore has seen this before.

“Businesses in video games are just as susceptible to market woes as they are in real life,” Whitmore explained. “Burger Shot in the Grand Theft Auto games almost went out of business when they refused to provide a plant-based alternative in Los Santos, and Umbrella Corporation is currently undergoing massive layoffs because of all the cuts to science we’re seeing under the Trump administration. We like to think of video games as an escape from reality, but unfortunately there’s no release from the capitalistic hell we’re subjected to on a daily basis.”

At press time, the Chase Bank had to close after Raphael threw a mouser through the front window.

Game Night: In ‘Heartworm,’ The Monsters Are All Depression

Welcome back to “Game Night,” Hard Drive’s theoretically weekly column about independently-made video games. I didn’t mean to take quite so much time off from the column, but I had a medical misadventure at the end of July that’s taken up much of my month.

My plan beforehand had been to cover Vincent Adinolfi’s Heartworm, which has been on my radar for quite a while now. It’s the latest indie game that deliberately tries to recapture the tone and feel of survival horror’s classic era, with a particular dedication to the visual potential of fixed camera angles.

Now that I’ve played through the entirety of Heartworm, however, it strikes me as a misnomer to call it a survival horror game at all. It’s got a few decent scares across its 4- to 6-hour running time, but at its core it’s a story about grief, depression, and the mounting power of everyday traumas. It might be more accurate to call it “surrealist melancholy” than anything else, or maybe just a New Weird psychological thriller.

You play Heartworm as Sam, a photographer in her early 20s who’s struggling with grief. She reads about an urban legend on the early Internet, about a nearby abandoned house with a room somewhere inside that connects to the afterlife. If you find that room, the legend says, you can have one last conversation with the people you’ve lost. On the other hand, no one who’s ever gone in search of that room has ever returned.

When Sam finds that room, it leads her to a place that mixes nightmare imagery with her own childhood memories, including the house where she grew up. The only other people here are hostile electronic ghosts and a monster that occasionally appears to try and kill her. With her camera serving as a makeshift weapon, Sam has to fight through a twisted version of her own life in search of a way back to the real world.

To some extent, Heartworm reminds me of several of the imitative survival horror games that came out between 1996 and 2001 or so, after the success of the original Resident Evil. It feels stripped down and subdued by comparison to much of the rest of the genre, both then and now, with no gore to speak of and only a relative handful of weapons, puzzles, enemies, and bosses.

The big difference between Heartworm and other games in its lane is the degree to which it’s specifically about Sam. I’ve ended up playing a lot of surreal psychological thrillers in the last few years, including a few games that didn’t start out that way (shout-out to Endflame’s Ikai), and most of them tend to be the kind of zero-conflict adventure game that many people will write off as a “walking simulator.”

Heartworm by comparison takes most of its mechanics from classic survival horror, such as strange puzzles, resource conservation, and slightly awkward combat. It’s generous enough with film and first aid kits that any veteran of the genre won’t have much trouble staying alive, but a few of the puzzles are tricky.

More importantly, Heartworm maintains a careful focus throughout its runtime. There is no part of the overall experience that isn’t about Sam in one way or another, whether it’s a memory, a flashback, or an attack against one of her specific points of vulnerability.

Playing Heartworm let me put a finger on something that’s occasionally bothered me about horror games. Many of them, even some that are considered classics of the genre, will simply toss in some surreal imagery whenever the pace starts to flag. If nothing’s happened in a couple of minutes, then it’s time to have a couple of random jump scares or throw in a bunch of ominous mannequins or hold a game show in the elevator or something. You can get some impact from that, sure, but that same randomness ends up feeling like it’s watering down the whole. Heartworm, by comparison, stays focused on Sam from start to finish, which works to its benefit.

That being said, Heartworm is also a solo project from a new developer, so it’s got a few different points of irritation. It’s easy to get stunlocked if you try to fight more than one enemy at once, since Sam goes flying if she gets hit by almost anything; the in-game map isn’t as helpful as it could be; and a few of the puzzles have strange or inadequately explained solutions. If you’re interested in picking this up, you’ll want to grade it on a curve. Any survival horror die-hard has absolutely played and enjoyed worse games than this, but it’s got its share of weak spots.

Heartworm has a lot of potential as an anthology series. A room somewhere in America that draws in people who need to speak to the dead is a killer premise, and you could easily make a dozen more of these games, each built around a new character with their own reason to seek out the house.

On its own merits, Heartworm is slower-paced and more downbeat than the average survival horror game, and it’s not the sort of thing you’ll want to play if you’re not currently up for a guided tour through someone else’s depression. If you’re into surreal art or strange horror, however, it’s well worth taking a run through Heartworm.

[Heartworm, developed by Vincent Adinolfi and published by DreadXP, is now available for PC, Mac, and Linux for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a DreadXP representative.]

Chris Pratt Announced As New Voice of RFK Jr.

HOLLYWOOD, CA. — News broke this morning on President Trump’s Truth Social account that the Trump Administration has officially hired famed Hollywood actor, Chris Pratt, to be the new voice of RFK Jr.

“HUGE NEWS! HOLLYWOOD’S SEXIEST CHRIS (PRATT) (NO HOMO!) WILL NOW BE THE NEW VOICE OF OUR MAHA LEADER BOBBY KENNEDY! BOBBY IS A GREAT MAN BUT AWFUL VOICE! LISTENING TO HIM MAKES MY EARS HURT MORE THAN WHEN THEY GOT SHOT! OUCH! TO MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN YOU HAVE TO SOUND HEALTHY! THAT’S WHY WE GOT CHRIS (NO LONGER FAT) PRATT TO GIVE BOB THE VOICE HE DESERVES! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” truthed President Trump.

The news was surprising to hear for many Americans around the country, but Pratt, himself, explained to reporters why he insisted on taking this iconic role.

“As we all know, I wasn’t always the healthiest man. So, this is a role that speaks to me personally. I can now be a real-life Star Lord and help others on their health journeys. Now, my voice can be the one to teach people that vaccines are actually just the sperm of Satan, that rubbing sterile goat urine on your body will de-age a person’s skin, and by drinking ample amounts of raw milk mixed with blended raw dog testicles, you’ll lose as much weight as I did before joining Marvel.”

There are still questions as to whether or not this casting will make serious changes to Americans’ health. But one American, in particular, has high hopes for a brighter future ahead.

“This new voice casting is going to save my marriage,” exclaimed actress Cheryl Hines, wife of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “It has been a long eleven years. He’s cheated on me, he wears his jeans to bed, he’s eaten almost all of our pets. And that voice! You know what’s more dead than the worm in his head? My libido. But having a voice like Chris Pratt replacing my husband’s could fix all of our problems! Yes, it won’t change the COVID-denying, measles-loving ass that he is. But at least he’ll sound sexier. Although, I still wish they could have gotten Hemsworth.”

At press time, Chris Pratt was seen entering the Department of Health, gargling narwhal blood to warm up his vocal cords for the day’s work ahead.

Game Developer Union Secures Nine Day Work Week

SAN FRANCISCO — In a monumental win for workers at Rock the Boat Studios, the Boat Rockers’ Guild, a union made up of over 100 workers across multiple job titles, successfully negotiated to shorten their work week from ten days to nine days. Boat Rocker President and lead negotiator for the guild, Dean Williams, shared the details of the new deal in a video to guild members.

“With this new deal, developers, artists, QA testers, and so many more get one step closer to achieving a healthy work-life balance,” WIlliams shared, as uproarous cheers rang through the offices of Rock the Boat. “Those looking to spend more time with family have that option now. Those looking to start a family…I would hold off on that for a bit. Our demands for longer paternity leave periods were stopped at the gate. But onward we go!”

The new contract comes after a month-long walkout that halted all work on Rock the Boat’s upcoming real-time strategy game WaveStorm, which is supposed to be the big return of the genre. The game’s development has been harrowing for workers. Long hours, poor work conditions, and online backlash to decisions made in the game’s development have had many workers considering a career change.

“Studio leadership heard your concerns and they were ready to throw out all the stops, besides parental leave, to help improve morale and make this a happy family,” Williams said, as he held up a pillow and a gun. “All workers will have a pillow supplied to them. This is for sleeping under the desk when you WANT to stay late and work toward our fast approaching deadlines. They have also agreed to allow workers the opportunity to take paid time off to kill one angry gamer. That’s what the gun is for.”

CEO and founder of Rock the Boat, George “Boat Smasher” Quine, spoke to press after the announcement.

“They’re just so mean. I give and give and give and they just take and take and take. Why are they so mean to me,” Quine asked in tears and snot bubbles as he rocked back and forth on his office couch while craddling a large bag of money. “I just want to make money and eat caviar and hang out with other cool rich people on their cool big boats and scheme together to control and overthrow governments, and these stupid poors hassle me for time off to go take care of their dumb poor kids. This is all just too much.”

At press time Quine soloed a plate of caviar while Googling “How to Replace Workforce with AI Free Online”.