WASHINGTON D.C.— Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), also known as Civilian 2 from “GoldenEye 64,” has been appointed Attorney General in the Trump administration, making him the first character from the game to hold a U.S. Cabinet role.
“Honestly, it’s shocking,” said one unnamed Russian GoldenEye guard. “I never thought Gaetz would make it out of the game, let alone into government. But, then again, it kinda makes sense. No matter how many times he runs into walls or gets shot, he just keeps going. That kind of durability is perfect for Washington.”
President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly, praised Gaetz’s “GoldenEye” pedigree as key to his selection.
“I love the ‘GoldenEye’ series—just tremendous,” Trump said from Mar-a-Lago. “I considered Jaws, Oddjob, Baron Samedi, but Gaetz—he’s the guy. Our little idiot who just keeps moving. A lot of people are idiots but can be good people. And Matt really wants to show what an idiot with a head that big can do for our country. Have you seen his head? Just amazing.”
Meanwhile, “GoldenEye” director Mark Hollis expressed serious concerns about Gaetz’s new role.
“We never intended for Civilian 2 to become… this,” Hollis said, visibly distressed. “It all started with the ‘Big Head Mode’ Easter egg. Civilian 2 was already a mess, but when that oversized pixelated head showed up, it was haunting. Then it started showing signs of sentience. It began offering drugs to players it deemed ‘cool,’ and there were reports of it luring younger players into what seemed like a sex trafficking scheme. We thought the game’s decline would end that, but years later, we saw the same character running for office in Florida. And now, here he is, in a position of power. I have no idea what happens next.”
As of press time, President Trump continues to consider other controversial video game characters for Cabinet roles, including Pyramid Head from “Silent Hill” for Secretary of the Interior, Hitler’s Head in a jar from “Wolfenstein” in an advisory role, and Kirby for a role not yet determined.
GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city.
“Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him? I mean, it sure seems like he’s checked out. Two of the city’s most prominent families have been completely slaughtered. I bet he’s not even wearing his full costume and only puts on the cowl for video calls.”
Batman was reacted indignantly to the GCPD’s demands.
“I’m just as able to do my work from the Batcave as I am from inside GCPD headquarters,” said the caped crusader. “Last time I was there, I literally had to fight my way out. Plus, it’s not set up properly for my workflow. Are they going to compensate me for all of the money I spent to be able to work from home? I had a fireman’s pole installed. No commute can compete with that, even if you’re driving the Batmobile.”
Sociologist and labor expert Denise Crowley commented on the reasons that law enforcement agencies often forbid heroes from working remotely.
“Sure, some of it is just from the natural managerial impulse to micro-manage and babysit,” said Crowley. “Frankly, that’s just survival instinct. If people can do their jobs from home, what are managers even for? Often, though, the restrictive return-to-office mandates are part of a scheme to reduce the workforce without having to pay severance—essentially a backdoor layoff. It’s surprising for this to happen to a hero as high-profile as Batman, but it’s a common tactic. Animal Man has been ‘ordered to return to the office’ about a dozen times.”
At press time, the GCPD issued a statement the Batman was free to fight crime in another city if he refused to obey their mandate.
UPPSALA, Sweden — Sprog Hoeffler, avid gamer and founder of the group “Not All Nazis”, has taken umbrage with the way Nazis are being represented in the upcoming game “Indiana Jones and the Great Circle” from developer MachineGames.
“Why is it that the people most concerned about representation and equality are the first ones to condemn someone just because they subscribe to a different worldview?” Hoeffler bemoaned on his blog, “Sieg Heil, Not Hate.” “Do I want to exterminate the Jews? Sure, who doesn’t? But that doesn’t make me a bad person. And what’s more American than exterminating an entire group of people? I say I’m more of a patriot than any of these so-called ‘wokies’ who depict all Nazis as genocidal freaks. Some of us just really like their economic policies. Is it my fault the only way to implement them is by eradicating groups of people based on stereotypes and eugenics? Grow up.”
Biff Whipplespit, who goes by the handle Skinheads4Change on X The Everything App, posited that the Nazi depiction is just another form of discrimination.
“I’ve had it with the double standards these libs try to cram down our throats,” Whipplespit said. “When I make a joke about George Floyd it’s racist, but when they make GIFs of prominent fascists being bonked with hammers no one cares. And when I complain about it they just make more and more gifs of Nazis being bonked with hammers. They say love is love, but when I say that I love eradicating the Jews, Catholics, Blacks, Mexicans, the Chinese, and anyone who looks at me sideways they call me a bad person. Make it make sense.”
Nicole Devalder, a researcher who specializes in the study of fascist movements, offered her insight on the recent uptick in fascist whinging.
“All these people have is their own perceived victimhood,” Devalder said. “Even when they win, they act as though they’ve lost and the enemy is at the gates, and when they’ve lost, no matter how emphatically or no matter how many people are deriding them and their worldview they declare victory. You have to be a special kind of brain damaged to abide by this philosophy. It’s truly remarkable.”
At press time a group of fascists had gathered on a X The Everything App space to hold a victory party following a mass exodus of users who found them too annoying to be around any longer.
I want to call Sorry We’re Closed something like “survival romance.” It’s a game about what happens when love goes bad: losing it, wanting it for the wrong reasons, not liking the changes that have happened in its wake.
It’s easiest to describe SWC as another revival of old-school survival horror, but that’s somewhat reductive. As an overall experience, it’s a messy concept album, full of strange asides, shifts in tone, toxic relationships, (in)human disasters, awkward combat mechanics, and sudden moments of shocking gore. If Nicholas Winding Refn hasn’t played this yet, he probably should.
Michelle is a convenience-store clerk who’s still hopelessly in love with her ex-girlfriend. As a result, Michelle’s just going through the motions: work, eat, sleep, repeat. It doesn’t help that Michelle’s ex has scored a starring role in a locally popular soap opera, so everywhere Michelle looks, there she is.
Michelle’s loneliness draws the attention of a demon called the Duchess, who preys upon the lovesick. The next morning, Michelle wakes up cursed, with a magical Third Eye on her forehead. She’s been marked by the Duchess as her next target of obsession, and the Duchess will return in a few days to abduct Michelle. At that point, Michelle’s as good as dead.
The Third Eye lets Michelle see through illusions, which reveals that she’s always been surrounded by the supernatural. With the help of her best friend Robyn, who’s been a demon all along, Michelle tries to find a way to undo the curse, defeat the Duchess, and/or find a way to benefit from the situation.
Initially, Sorry We’re Closed comes off like a glam-rock spin on Silent Hill, or maybe Fatal Frame filtered through David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust period. With Robyn in tow, you’re sent to explore several of the abandoned buildings that hold special significance to the occult underground of Michelle’s city. You’re quickly equipped with an axe, pistol, and shotgun, which you use to fend off the local demon population.
SWC is built around Michelle’s Third Eye, which you can activate at any time to reveal secrets or vulnerabilities in a short area around Michelle. This lets you get around obstacles, find hidden puzzle solutions, and transition between layers of reality. Whenever you get stuck, the answer is usually to take a second look with your Third Eye open.
The Third Eye also forms the core of SWC’s combat mechanics. You can shoot most demons from a distance to inflict small amounts of damage, but if you wait until they get close, you can activate the Third Eye to stun them and reveal their hearts. A successful shot to a demon’s heart inflicts significantly more damage, extends the stun, and sets up a combination attack that might kill them on the spot. When it works, it feels incredible; when it doesn’t, you’ve set yourself up to get your ass kicked.
That mechanic is why I nearly didn’t finish SWC. It’s a system that’s effectively built around high-risk, high-reward dueling, where Michelle’s at her best in one-on-one fights. You don’t have any good options to deal with multiple targets at once, but that’s most of what you fight for the latter two-thirds of the game. It’s a system that’s set up to give you a couple of major vulnerabilities, which the encounter design proceeds to exploit.
That kind of combat has always been a recipe for frustration. The single toughest fight in SWC is about halfway through the second zone, where you have to take on SWC’s version of the Resident Evil 4 cabin siege. If you can get through that, everything after it including the final boss is a comparative cakewalk.
That also marks the point at which SWC opens up. Once you get out of that zone, it breaks away from the “indie survival horror” mold and turns into something more like a violent queer rock opera. It’s colorful, well-written, and expansive, with an unsubtle but important message about love, relationships, and toxic cycles of behavior.
You can also opt to side with or backstab various characters and factions within the city, up to and including the decision to voluntarily join the Duchess. (In case you’re still down bad for Lady Dimitrescu, SWC has the medicine.) It’s got a ton of story options for you to explore, so while it’s not a long game, there’s plenty here to keep you occupied for multiple runs.
After beating the game, however, most of what I remember about Sorry We’re Closed is my frustration with its combat. It’s not conceptually flawed, but there’s a real mismatch between what it lets you do and what it asks you to do. It could use an overhaul before I gave the game an unqualified recommendation.
As it is, Sorry We’re Closed is ambitious as hell for a small team’s debut project. It’s a sprawling, bloody epic that saves most of its best visuals for its back half. There’s real skill and effort on display here, but the game’s artificial difficulty holds it back.
[Sorry We’re Closed, developed bya la mode games and published by Akupara Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $24.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Akupara Games PR representative.]
BOSTON — Lifelong Southie resident and film enthusiast Bobby Smart can’t wait to see the new “Wicked” movie he’s heard everyone talking about so much recently, sources familiar with the matter confirm.
“This is friggin’ amazing,” Smart said in a statement. “I mean, no one’s even saying the full title of the movie! They’re just calling it ‘the wicked movie’- which I’m taking to mean as ‘wicked good’, obviously. The word’s an adverb, a lotta people forget that…but anyways, I don’t even wanna look it up and learn what it’s about. I’m picturing a gunfight or two, maybe some explosions, a climactic final battle…I’ll go into the theater completely blind to make sure I get the full experience.”
While he’s known around the neighborhood to be “pretty enthusiastic” and “sometimes a little too much”, Smart’s friends and neighbors haven’t seen him so excited for a movie in years, according to multiple reports.
“He’s been going on about it the whole damn week,” childhood friend Sam Nestor noted. “I feel like the last time he was this amped up to go to the movies was right before we went to see The Departed back in ‘06. But I don’t think he knows he’s in for a delightful adaptation of the beloved Stephen Schwartz musical starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Galinda, respectively. Boy, is he gonna be surprised. I can’t wait to see his reaction.”
Local AMC theater employee Martha Watson offered her thoughts on Smart’s recent behavior.
“Oh, that guy? Yeah, he comes in every so often to see a sports biopic or a Scorsese flick. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not so sure what’s got him so hyped about this one, it doesn’t seem like it’s in his wheelhouse at all.” Watson told reporters. “An origin story about the land of Oz and the Wicked Witch of the West?” After taking a pause to think, she continued: “Oh, wait a minute…he does use the word ‘wicked’ a lot. ‘That was wicked cool’…uh-oh. Is that what this is all about?”
At press time, Smart was seen exiting the theater after his showing of “Wicked” with a look of completely ambiguous shock on his face.
WASHINGTON — In the wake of a historic Presidential race, Vice President elect JD Vance was eager to get into the White House and get to work, however that eagerness turned to disappointment when he learned the Presidential Cabinet is not an elegantly designed piece of furniture, sources close to him have confirmed.
“When I told him it’s actually an advisory board composed of executive department heads, I could see the light go out in his eyes,” says Susie Wiles, Trump’s newly selected Chief of Staff. “It’s like I told him Santa Claus isn’t real, you’d think an elected Senator would know that.”
As the Trump/Vance campaign headed into November, JD Vance’s fascination with the White House interior grew exponentially.
“I’m under the assumption that I will be the one sitting in the Oval Office when President Trump is out golfing,” Vance said at a truck driver luncheon last week in Reading, Pennsylvania. “It’ll just be me in there. Me in the most elegantly furnished room this great country has to offer.”
Since the election results, Republicans have gone back on former promises made. Project 2025 appears to be Trump’s policy moving forward, and the once thought to be ridiculous claims of furniture fornication hurled at Senator Vance may be true as well.
“I believe now that Trump has won we can say, yes there was evidence of Senator Vance having a relationship with his couch,” Speaker Mike Johnson admitted to our sources. “We knew before Trump selected him as his running mate. The decision was mostly made because Vance and Pence are only two letters off from each other, so 2020 merch was easy to edit.”
Sources close to the President have confirmed that Vance’s allegiance was bought by Trump with several Pottery Barn gift cards.
“When the time comes, and it will come, everybody says it’s gonna come, it came last time and it’s gonna come again,” Trump told the press regarding the January 6th insurrection. “When that time comes to barricade ourselves in the White House I know JD will have intimate and crucial knowledge.”
At press time, the White House daily itinerary has allotted Vice President Vance 15 minutes alone in the Oval Office for “JD Time.”
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Today marks thirty-nine years since the passing of Gepetto Margioni, the oft-forgotten older brother of Mario (born Mario Margioni) and Luigi (born Louis Margioni). Gepetto may not have pursued the plumbing life that brought success and renown to his younger brothers, but the family still holds him in his hearts to this day.
”What you have to understand is that when the family first came to the Mushroom Kingdom from Italy, Gepetto was already seventeen — practically an adult,” recounted Luigi (speaking through an interpreter) in an interview with the New York Times, “Mario and I were still infants, and our parents were struggling to make ends meet. Gepetto didn’t go to school. He went to work. Adventures and plumbing were not options for him.”
Shortly after the family arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, Gepetto found work in the mailroom of an engineering firm. His strong work ethic caught the eye of management, and he began shadowing the HVAC department. Over the years, he developed the skills necessary to pass his HVAC certification exam, despite not having graduated high school.
“If it wasn’t for Gepetto, Mario and I could not have pursued our plumbing dreams,” said Luigi in the same piece, “His philosophy was ‘Only take what you earn’. Many poor families in our situation would just break open blocks looking for gold coins, but Gepetto refused to take money from anything except work. And in the end, he was able to support the family and more. His income allowed us to take a risk on plumbing.”
Tragically, Gepetto would not live to see his brothers reach the height of their success.
“Like many young adult immigrants, Gepetto had the drive and determination to make a life in the new country, but he never let go of the fear and paranoia that comes from coming into a new world so abruptly,” explained Doctor Toad, Mario and Luigi’s grief counselor, “The turtle pox vaccine — especially in the 80s — was absolutely vital to survival in the Mushroom Kingdom, but Gepetto didn’t trust it. He firmly believed that the monarchy was using it to brainwash its subjects. And so, when he caught turtle pox at age twenty-seven, his fate was sealed.”
Gepetto Margioni is buried in Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy.
TOKYO — A bombshell report this week has exposed and criticized the practices employed by the “Velvet Room” private prison.
“It is time for this ruin to end,” Fools for Justice said in a press release. “For too long the Velvet Room has operated under the illusion of rehabilitation, as a means to save humanity from a terrible fate. In reality, they’re just the latest in a long line of for-profit prisons that place the CEO’s bottom line above basic human rights.”
The one-hundred and twenty page report alludes to various human rights violations committed by the Velvet Room. Among other things, it alludes to the use of executing prisoners via the electric chair, butchering prisoners in order to fuse them together in some kind of barbaric chimera-esque practice, and imprisoning teenagers without trial.
“For real!?” Ryuj Sakamoto, former track star and local delinquent, shared his thoughts with reporters. “It’s absolutely messed up what they’re doing there. A friend of mine claimed he’d been locked up there, but then again he also claimed he was banging his goth doctor, so who knows?”
Despite the extensive report provided, the Velvet Room has come out swinging, denying all allegations.
“This is a smear campaign designed to silence me,” said Igor, proprietor of the prison room. “My Velvet Room operates above and beyond what is demanded by law. Any allegations that I charge money for prisoners to execute one another are simply that: allegations, and I’ll lock up any trickster who continues to repeat them.”
At press time, prosecutor Sae Niijima announced she would be opening an investigation into Igor, albeit for crimes related to identity theft.
REDWOOD CITY, Calif — Today, EA Games and Maxis Studios introduced an update for their popular life simulator The Sims 4 that restricts unmarried, childless women sims from owning pets.
EA CEO Andrew Wilson addressed this update in a short press conference this morning.
“We pride ourselves in growing The Sims brand to adapt to the times, whether that means expanding our gender and sexuality options so all players can feel represented, or instituting restrictive social norms under a regressive government.”
This change comes in the wake of a number of comments from Vice-President Elect JD Vance criticizing the role “childless cat ladies” play in American society.
“Previously, The Sims represented a dangerous fantasy for many young women,” the upholstery enthusiast stated in an official press release, “in which they had a purpose beyond securing the existence of our people and a future for [our] children.”
The reaction to this latest update from The Sims community online has been split, with some disappointed in the stripping of their Sims’ basic rights, freedom and autonomy, and others expressing joy at seeing people they disagree with suffer.
On Reddit, dataminer “will_wrong” dug into the patch for hints at future content. “I found strings with the ‘proj2025’ label, some unused models for a ‘library_bonfire’ social event, and weirdly enough, the ability to ‘WooHoo’ household furniture.”
It is currently unclear how many of the updates will actually be carried out, and whether the current dev team has the ability to execute their plans. Many fans of The Sims expressed hope for “lazy devs” that spend most of their time complaining online instead of implementing changes.
“It’s disappointing to hear about these changes but luckily devs who believe in such doctrines have a history of doing literally anything except working on their game. So I have hope most of these things won’t end up in the game,” wrote user PoolNeighbor on Reddit.
At press time, Vance was last seen playing Hearts of Iron 3 with the Discord status “Fixing some mistakes.”
KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — In a recent Letterboxd review of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis local movie lover, Todd Jacobs, bravely announced to the public that he is a cinephile.
“I think deep down I always knew,” Jacobs told sources outside of the Regal Cinemas IMAX and 4DX. “I knew someone in college who loved movies like this, we experimented with 123movies.com, it felt so right, you couldn’t find Mean Streets anywhere.”
While this is a big first step, Jacobs told anyone around the theater who would listen that there was still the obstacle of coming out to everyone that doesn’t follow him on Letterboxd.
“I don’t know how grandpa will react this Christmas when I tell him I put Ready Player One higher than Saving Private Ryan on my ‘Spielberg Films Ranked’ list.”
Letterboxd spokesperson Eliza Johnson, told reporters that this kind of coming out isn’t a rare thing on Letterboxd, and many use the app’s review feature to make all sorts of confessions feeling that they are in a safe space.
“It’s an honor that movie buffs use our platform to make such personal and public announcements,” she said in between listing her four most recently watched films. “We have seen a bump of these kinds of actualizations from the Megalopolis reviews, but nothing compares to the things people realized after watching Y tu mamá también.”
Both Letterboxd and Criterion’s recent social media surges have imprinted a new found appreciation for classic cinema on the younger generations. Perhaps the film industry can be resurrected by radicalized Zoomers who wear A24 t-shirts.
“It’s incredibly difficult to predict the industry’s future based on the habits of young people,” says Professor of Film Studies at Villanova, Hannah Topel. “These companies are constantly being dealt with contradicting information. One week Gen Z wants less sex depicted in film, and the next week they’re demanding more fuckable popcorn buckets.”
At press time, the cinephile community has come to the agreement that a Pulp Fiction poster will be the representational symbol for unabashed cinema lovers everywhere.
