Half of Marvel Rivals Roster Removed in Thanos Update

Posted on by bee

GUANGZHOU, China — An Avengers-themed game update to ‘Marvel Rivals’ has reduced its selection of available playable characters by half. The changes were introduced in NetEase’s official development blog:

“Today marks the beginning of a new season of Rivals! Thanos has entered the fray to wreak havoc on the Timestream Entanglement in our new Avengers: Metagame storyline. He determined it would be a mercy to eliminate half of all characters after recognizing the unsustainability of our large roster. All of the heroes who died in Avengers: Infinity War have been removed as well as several others chosen at random. Oh, we also dusted Hawkeye’s whole family again. They weren’t characters in the game, we didn’t even bother putting their deaths in a cutscene, we just want you to know he’s really sad about it again.”

The roster change has received widespread negative reactions from fans on social media and video platforms. The popular gaming and comic news channel Supermanchild reviewed the update shortly after its release.

“This is bullshit. ‘Random’ my ass: Hela, Iron Fist, Jeff, Luna, and Venom? They just killed off all the good characters instead of trying to balance them. Who are we supposed to play—fucking Namor? And of course all the Thor skins are on sale now. You know, I’m starting to think this game is just a cash grab… and look at Rivals on SteamDB, this is the lowest the current player count has been since launch. They’ll regret this, we gamers hold grudges. We don’t forget. I’m uninstalling this until I get bored with Warzone again.”

Ding Lei, founder and CEO of NetEase, responded to the backlash in a thread on X – the Everything App.

“Looks like Thanos snapped half our players, too” which was ratioed by several replies featuring the character Luigi from Nintendo’s Mario video game franchise. Lei continued in the next post, “We are honored to uphold the super-powerful legacy created by Marvel Comics and the Marvel Cinematic Universe of creating divisive follow-ups to popular media! I just hope we have some players left to disappoint by the time we get to our Ultimatum storyline.”

At press time, NetEase clarified the characters will return next season except for Iron Man who will only be available as a $26 skin for Doctor Doom when he’s added to the roster.

Hailey Joel Osment Admits Kingdom Hearts IV has Been Delayed Because he was Trapped in a Simulation of his Dreams and Just Now Escaped

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

Shocking news came out recently that actor Haily Joel Osment, famous for films such as The Sixth Sense and A.I. as well as his vocal work in the Kingdom Hearts series, has been trapped in a simulation of his own dreams since the release of Kingdom Hearts III.

“It was so strange, It was like I was back on the set of A.I. except also my dad was there, but he wasn’t my dad he was Genie from Aladdin…” Osment said on a recent unlistenable podcast. “I don’t really know how long it’s been. I just woke up a week ago, the last thing I remember is Tetsuya Nomura telling me to drink this special tea that was going to help my voice stay warm for a long VO session.”

Osment had started working on the highly anticipated Kingdom Hearts IV before this strange affliction. Director Tetsuya Nomura claims he had nothing to do with what happened to the beloved actor but says it was a blessing in disguise Osment had the chance to connect deep with his inner soul and let his heart be his guiding key.

“We’re investigating Mr. Nomura, we believe he may be culpable in some way,” Stated Detective Jeffrey Katzeneisner, in a recent press conference. “Mr. Osment described several elaborate ‘disneyfied’ versions of his childhood memories we believe may have been induced by some sort of hallucinogenic tea given to him by Nomura. While Mr. Nomura has denied requests for further questioning; he did send us a box of sea salt ice cream with a note that just read “Chillax bro”.

Osment has stated that although he feels 100% better he still can’t stop hearing Hikaru Utada singing “Simple and Clean” in his head everyday.

Right-Wing Sonic Fan Befuddled by So-Called Ultimate Life Form

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CHARLOTTESVILLE, N.C. — Local right-wing gamer Kevin Thompson, known in online circles as “TheReichStuff88”, has taken to social media to express his absolute befuddlement at Shadow the Hedgehog being the ultimate life form despite being neither blonde haired, blue-eyed or white.

“I’m trying to get into the Sonic series since the new movie is coming out and I hear it’s not woke like Mario,” Thompson wrote in a post on X – the Everything App. “But one thing I’m really confused by is Shadow. He’s supposed to be the Ultimate Life Form but he doesn’t have blonde hair or blue eyes so how can that be? He’s not even white. It’s just not possible for him to be the Ultimate Life Form unless I’m missing something.”

Other Sonic fans on X – the Everything App, were quick to chime in and help Thompson come to grips with the insane premise of a non-aryan ultimate life form.

“I know it’s a big leap in suspension of disbelief but they made him in a lab to be the Ultimate Life Form so I think it’s okay,” wrote user GreenHeilZone. “Honestly a lab made colored hedgehog is a more believable ultimate life form than a woman or alphabet person so just be grateful I say. It could always be worse.”

Mr. Thompson became so confused that he uploaded a video to his YouTube channel “DoTheReichThing” in which he went on an in depth investigation over Shadow’s claim to be the Ultimate Life Form.

“So Shadow was made in a lab to be the ultimate life form but anyone creating the ultimate life form would know they had to be blonde with blue eyes and have sweet milky aryan skin,” Thompson said, becoming more and more manic and unhinged as the video went on. “But Shadow is none of those things. He becomes white when he goes super but he’s not pure white and he has the red eyes of the devil dems. Sonic on the other hand does become blonde with blue eyes when he’s super but he’s not white either as his base form is blue which is the color of the jews so he can’t be the ultimate life form either because as we all know the jews are sub-human goblins unleashed upon the world by the devil. Shadow is also most likely jewish as part of his plan of vengeance is using a space laser. As are the Robotniks. The original prototype of the ultimate life form was the biolizard and we all know the jews are lizard people who control the weather and the banks. So the only logical conclusion is that not only is Shadow not the ultimate life form but the entire Sonic series is a highly clandestine operation by the jews to indoctrinate our children.”

At press time, Thompson stated to his followers that based on his findings he would no longer be getting into the Sonic series and will stick with non-woke games like Baldur’s Gate 3.

Courier Shot in The Head Near Goodsprings Just Wants a Turbo Man Doll For His Kid

Posted on by Brendan Osorio

GOODSPRINGS — A courier shot in the head near Goodsprings recently miraculously has survived and is expected to make a full recovery. The shooting was apparently caused by a dispute over a Turbo Man doll between Myron Larabee, the courier in question and his assailant, identified as “Benny”

“Man, I just wanted the stupid toy for my kid man,” Myron explained when questioned by NCR authorities who arrived at the scene, “I’m just a mailman, I wasn’t trying to get shot over the darn thing. I didn’t even have it man! I thought there were a few Turbo Man dolls delivered to the general store in town, but it was just a box of Boosters!”

Booster, being the wolf-like companion of Turbo Man, has been overstocked across the Mojave Wasteland, however it seems no one can get their hands on the elusive Turbo Man himself.

“Alright I’ll come clean, there weren’t any Turbo Man dolls at the general store but I did have this strange package in my mail bag,” Myron later said when pushed by reporters, “I opened it up and there he was, in all his glory. Can you believe I had one on me the entire time? Of course not long after that a hate crime was committed!”

The Turbo Man doll in question was reportedly en route to the eccentric Mr. House at his Penthouse at the Lucky 38 on the Strip. House has sworn to unleash his securitrons upon the entire strip and greater New Vegas area if his Turbo Man doll is not returned to him.

“Look all else I can tell you is this fancy ass white boy shot me in the head and told me “The game was rigged from the start” Like yeah you’re telling me! Ain’t no way for a black man to make it in this wasteland.” Myron concluded, leaving reporters baffled and also a little guilty.

As of press time the Turbo Man doll still has not been found however “Benny” was identified as the head of the Chairmen at the Tops Casino was found dead in his bed after what was an apparent crime of passion by a romantic partner murdering him post coitus.

Potentially related, Myron Larabee was seen leaving the Tops Casino the same morning the body was found.

Luigi Mangione Sentenced to 25 Years of United Healthcare Coverage

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

MINNETONKA, Minn — Luigi Mangione, the alleged shooter of former UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson, has been sentenced to 25 years of coverage by United Healthcare.

“I’m just glad justice has been served for our dearly departed friend and CEO whose name we will never dare forget, our beloved Brad Thomas,” interim United Healthcare CEO Andrew Witty said. “Ben was a beloved member of the United Healthcare family and I’m sure Bob’s own family is grateful justice has been served.” When pressed on the unusual sentencing Witty responded, “What greater punishment could Brody’s killer be subjected to than this? But don’t worry, we will treat him no harsher than we do any of our other clients, and look forward to a fruitful quarter century for our shareholders by ensuring all his claims are denied.”

Judge Trudy Meyers, who addressed Mangione in court while issuing the sentence, did not mince words.

“I have never seen a young man so full of malice in all my days presiding over this court,” Judge Meyers said. “There are plenty of toll evaders, homeless, minorities, and otherwise lesser people whose lives you could have taken, and were that the case I would not feel so inclined to mete out such a harsh sentence but in this instance you leave me no choice but to impose the harshest ruling possible. Do you have any idea of the return I’ve seen on my United Healthcare stocks after, I forget his name, that you ruthlessly gunned down took over? Did you even stop to think of the shareholders?”

The prosecution, headed by District Attorney Rod Biggums, spoke to the press after the sentence was issued.

“I think the judge has it right in this case,” Biggums said. “This is America. And in America, we don’t kill our chief executives; We idolize and revere them. We hold them tenderly to our hearts like we would a baby bunny.  Further, if Mr. Mangione had spent more time pulling on his bootstraps and less time feeling sorry for himself and obsessing over his debilitating chronic back pain that UnitedHealthcare refused to cover treatment of – for I’m sure for very good reasons – he might have one day helmed a parasitic corporation of his own. Sadly, he chose another path.”

At press time, Mangione was receiving a standing ovation from a crowd of onlookers as he was handed over to UnitedHealthcare’s custody.

Batman Distraught to Learn He Smells, Robin Laid Egg, Joker Got Away

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

GOTHAM CITY — Masked vigilante Batman has reportedly been beside himself after he was informed by a group of teenagers that he smells, Robin laid an egg, and the Joker got away. 

“I don’t know, I guess I just got so caught up in saving Gotham I just never stopped to think about other important aspects of life, like personal hygiene or Robin’s concerning medical situation,” the Caped Crusader said in a grizzly-voiced statement to reporters. “Who knew that all the physical activity that comes with fighting crime day in and day out could cause you to work up such a sweat? And that maybe when you name a kid Robin and give him a bird-themed costume, it’ll sort of go to his head. I’m gonna need some time to take care of all this. I’ll buy some deodorant and take a shower at the very least, maybe take the boy to a doctor. As for the Joker, well, that’s basically business as usual around here.” 

Those close to the famed Justice Leaguer have noted a drastic shift in his overall demeanor since the news was delivered to him. 

“I’ve not seen the young Master so down in the dumps since…well, you know what, I won’t say it publicly,” said butler Alfred Pennyworth, who is apparently also one of the Dark Knight’s closest friends and confidantes. “And right before Christmas, too. He’s taken all of this news rather hard, indeed. It’s certainly not feeling very cheery around here—not that it usually does, of course. He practically lives in that cave down there.”

Even some of Batman’s enemies have offered their sympathies during this difficult time. 

“I was planning a winter-themed heist with Mr. Freeze, but it’s not much fun if the Caped Crusader’s acting all, I don’t know, glum,” noted Gotham criminal Oswald Cobblepot, also known as “The Penguin.” “Hell, I’m a kingpin and even I can find the time for a little holiday spirit. He should get outta Gotham for Christmas, go to Cabo or something. Never seen the guy so stressed out.” 

At press time, Batman was spotted pacing back and forth feverishly at his local mechanic after the Batmobile apparently lost a wheel en route to the city.

Nintendo Adds Exact Moment of Your Death to Zelda Timeline

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo sent Zelda fans into a frenzy after a surprise update to the series’ official timeline to include the exact date and time of the death of anyone who has ever played a game in the series, insiders have confirmed.

“With so many branching timelines in the Zelda series, we know it can get confusing as to which games fall into what future or past within the saga. We felt it was finally time to make it clear in the timeline the precise moment you abandon your mortal coil and how it may or may not correlate to the events of ‘The Wind Waker’,” said series producer Eiji Aonuma. “Careful consideration and deliberation has been made as to when the events of the games take place, but the precise moment and cause of your deaths was quite simple thanks to our in-house oracle. We hope gamers will be excited to see if they’ll live long enough to play the next entry!”

Zelda fans were surprised, then upset to see their ultimate fate included in the history of Hyrule.

“This can’t be right. The website says I’m going to be hit by a bus on June 12, 2032, and not only that it’s during the Twilight Realm timeline! Does that mean someone on the development team can traverse time and see how I die or is this some kind of ‘Majora’s Mask’ easter egg where I know death is imminent,” you say, desperately refreshing the Legend of Zelda home page. “All I wanted was some clarification on when the hell ‘Breath of the Wild’ is supposed to take place. Is this because of all those ROMs I downloaded? God, the only way this can get worse if they included that cringey fanfiction I wrote in middle school – as shit, there it is. Well Nintendo, I know you can see me somewhere, so go ahead and update the timeline to kill me now.

Aonuma added that if you go and whine about the circumstances of your demise on social media, your death will automatically be re-canonized within the crappy CD-I Zelda timeline.

Elon Musk Reveals Favorite Movie of 2024 Was “Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)”

Posted on by Sean Fallon

AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk released his top ten films of 2024 with his top spot going to a YouTube video entitled “Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes).”

“Better movies have been released this year,” said film critic Murray West, whose own list was topped by “Challengers.” “Alex Garland’s ‘Civil War’ for instance or Payal Kapadia’s ‘All We Imagine As Light.’ So ‘Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)’ was definitely a surprising choice. The flow-on effect has meant that the Academy is paying attention, and we’ll assuredly see ‘Dark humor Offensive jokes Family Guy Compilation (not for snowflakes)’ in the conversation come Oscar season.”

The video is 9 minutes long and consists of scenes from across all 22 seasons of “Family Guy,” including segments featuring violence towards Meg Griffin and Glen Quagmire saying something inappropriate.

“It’s work,” said Teddy Parr, a college student who puts together the supercuts and has forgone a life of love and human connection for his art. “When it’s time to make a compilation, I seal myself away from the prying eyes of the world and commune directly with God. It is not simply throwing together a bunch of jokes. A ‘Family Guy’ joke might be dark but not offensive, or maybe it’s dark and offensive but snowflakes would like it. Each one of my compilations is a piece of my heart.”

Musk announced the decision in the 76th tweet he posted on Friday.

“Now that comedy is legal again it’s good to stick it to the snowflakes,” he wrote to his audience of bots, sycophants, and alternate accounts that he also runs. “This video was the best movie of the year cause it wasn’t infected with the woke mind virus. I’ve never watched a full episode of ‘Family Guy’ but I can tell it would be totes amazeballs just from these nine minutes clips I watch all day every day.”

Late reports indicate that Musk’s ranking might change, as insiders note that he has recently been forcing Tesla staff to watch and laugh at a video called “Rick and Morty’s most epic moments for cool guys.”

Rule 34 Image Grossly Underestimating Kirby’s Fellatory Capabilities

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MINNEAPOLIS — A Rule 34 image portraying notable platformer icon Kirby vastly underestimated his presumed capabilities in performing fellatio, disappointed sources reported.

“Yeah, this one’s on me,” artist Tim Stinson admitted. “I guess I didn’t portray Kirby in the most realistic manner, but give me a break. Do you think this is what I had in mind when I pursued a career in digital art? Jobs like these are kind of a last resort for me because it’s so difficult to make ends meet as a creative. I have an expertise in color theory and composition, so it’s not like I’m filled with a sense of vocational satisfaction when I finish a picture of Kirby sucking off Nightmare Wizard. I just did it because there was such a high level of demand for it.”

Rule 34 user Jared Burnside expressed his disappointment in Stinson’s work.

“No, no, no, this is all wrong,” Burnside despaired as he studied the image. “There’s no way Kirby would just be conventionally deepthroating Nightmare Wizard. He has the ability to inhale enemies whole from several feet away. This would be the best blowjob Nightmare Wizard has ever received, but it just looks like a run-of-the-mill sexual encounter. There isn’t even any kind of subtle nod to the star-throwing abilities Kirby theoretically should inherit from blowing him. I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to jack off to this. What a letdown.”

Pornographic art critic Cheryl Hancroft provided insight on the image.

“I’ve long been an admirer of Stinson’s work, but this looks to be rather lackluster,” Hancroft provided. “Frankly, I’m surprised at this decline in quality. I remember being very impressed by the Samus/Ridley penetrative stuff he released just last month, and his groundbreaking portrayals of Waluigi pleasuring himself had such depth and character. Truly, he’s one of my favorites, so I hope this is just a temporary slip in his usually stellar output.”

At press time, user outrage had moved on to another photo of Goku in a completely unwarranted Super Saiyan form while receiving anilingus from Piccolo.

Report: Apathetic Middle Class Didn’t See Reason to Vote in 2024 Game Awards

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

LOS ANGELES — A post-show poll from Reuters revealed that the middle class did not see any reason to vote in the 2024 Game Awards, with a majority claiming their vote would not have any effect on games policy for the upcoming term.

“I just didn’t see the point in voting this year. My vote doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things,” said Brenda Meijer, a previously dedicated Game Awards voter. “I live in Wisconsin, and I know my vote is valued at a fraction of a percent compared to some rich, upper-class, one-percenter games journalist working at IGN. A lot of people are disillusioned by it.”

The Game Awards claims to give power to people voting, but weighs the votes of individuals at a fraction of the value of certain elite publications, massively skewing the ballot towards people that actually know what the fuck they’re talking about.

“I don’t know, voting for me was tough this year. None of the candidates really spoke to me on every level,” said Pete Wensler, a Game Awards voter in Kansas. “All of these games are functionally the same anyway. There’s not going to be a big change for us no matter who I vote for. Call me a doomer, but if we haven’t gotten Master Chief in Smash by now, we’re never getting him.”

While The Game Awards does have a Player’s Voice category for the general populace, some feel that it’s not enough and that their opinion on ‘Sonic x Shadow Generations’ should influence every category.

“I think the popular vote is a dumb system,” said Geoff Keighley, host of The Game Awards. “The general public shouldn’t get the option to choose anything for themselves because the general public is on average too stupid to not vote in ‘Genshin Impact’ every year. If it were up to me, I’d choose each winner like the king on high that I am, but for now we’re settling with a system that at least pretends to be fair and balanced.”

UPDATE: As of Friday morning, “Astro Bot” has been elected Game of the Year, having attained the necessary 270 electoral votes despite only getting 30% of the popular vote.