Fandom Officially Declared Cult

NEW YORK — In a landmark move, after much deliberation the UN has officially declared that fandom of any kind is a cult.

UN Ambassador Frederic Bringewatt announced the decision in a press conference held just outside UN Headquarters.

“It is our duty to work together on bringing peace and prosperity to the world at large and part of that duty is determining threats to that peace. Originally this was going to be solely for the Star Wars fandom but upon closer examination, it’s practically every fandom. The way that the members behave, the way they attack those that don’t hold the same beliefs as them, the radicalized devotion they have to the material, our only options were to classify them as religion or cult. We felt cult was more appropriate for their vibe.”

Members of fandoms were not too pleased with the new classification.

“This is just another instance of us being persecuted. We are not a cult, we’re just super passionate about our favorite series and will do anything to defend it and keep it pure,” said Alan Burns, head of the Boise chapter of the Star Wars fandom. “Sure sometimes we harass people who aren’t into Star Wars and maybe we attack members who don’t adhere to the series the way we demand they do but that doesn’t make us a cult. This is our series and we must protect it from heretical nonsense like The Acolyte. We just have absolute one hundred percent devotion to the warped ideals of Star Wars that we’ve cultivated.”  

“Oh so just because I just like to praise the sun and attack people who dare to mildly criticize the thing that I’ve tied my entire identity to I’m in a cult? Give me a break,” claimed Chris Topher, a devoted member of the Souls fandom.

Bringewatt stated that there are some exceptions to the new classification.

“While we’ve determined most fandoms are cults, there are some exceptions both good and bad. The Kirby fandom we found to just be totally normal and chill, same for the James Cameron’s Avatar fandom. These are examples of fandoms that do not meet the criteria of cult. On the other hand there are fandoms such as Swifites that we’ve found go beyond a mere cult and so we’ve classified them as radicalized militia instead.”

At press time, Swifties have doxxed Bringewatt and declared the UN to be enemy number one and begun mobilizing to attack.

Mom Said It’s My Turn on Hard Drive (Guest Column by My Little Brother)

Editor’s Note: The following article is from my little brother, as my mom said I’ve been on Hard Drive for long enough and that it was time to let him have a turn or else. I am not allowed to edit or adjust it in any way. Please bear with me.

Hi! Mom sed itz my turn on Hard Driv so bruther had 2 let me yooz the compewter haha. I dunno wat 2 rite abowt tho. Bruther sez I gotta tel jokez abowt videeyo gamez. I liek videeyo gamez. My favrit game iz Mine Craf but I maek bruther put it on peesful cuz 1 time a creepeer sneeked up on me and bloo up and I screemd so lowd it woke every 1 up cuz it was reely layt and I got in truble cuz I was supozed to be asleep cuz I had skool in the morneeng. I can tel a joke abowt Mine Craf ummmmm y didnt Mine Craf Steev buy a howse? Cuz he can just bild wun DUH! I liek uther gamez too. I play a lot of Pokeymon and Lego Star Worz and also sumtiems I play Fort Niet. I dont hav any jokez for thoze gamez tho. Fort Niet iz hard. Wen I die in Fort Niet I want 2 say bad wurdz but Mom wont let me so I say them in my hed so she cant heer them. Mom told me no 1 can heer wat u say in yor hed cuz yor skul iz 2 thik 4 the wurdz yor brayn sez 2 get thru so they just bownce riet bak 2 yor brayn and thats why only u heer them. In yor hed u can say as many bad wurdz as u want! Bruther sez them out lowd tho sumtiems wen he playz Ellen Ring. Bruther told me in Ellen Ring you fite monzters cuz u want 2 mary this 1 laydee. I thank its calld Ellen Ring cuz her naym is Ellen and u want to giv her a weding ring and kiss and say I luv u and stuf. Yuk! I dont hav any jokez abowt Ellen Ring neether. Ellen Ring is 2 boring and scaree and u cant bild anything. They shud hav the boogie bom from Fort Niet in Ellen Ring so u can throw it and maek the monzters danse haha. Oh wayt I hav a Ellen Ring joke now. Why did Ellen not want to mary bruther? Cuz he farted untill he died! Dont tel bruther I told u that tho. Enyway I dont wunt to rite anymor. The end. Bye!

Editor’s Note Cont’d: I sincerely apologize for what you just read. I promise future articles will be the high caliber satirical gaming news you are used to. Until my brother gets another turn that is.

Oblivious RFK Jr. Still Mashing Away on Unplugged Controller

ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he was handed shortly before last Thursday’s debate, sources confirm. 

“He just kept whining that he wanted to play ‘debate,’” said Jake Tapper, CNN anchor and one of the debate’s moderators. “We needed to shut him up somehow, so we sent a PA to find an old MadCatz PS2 controller. They gave it to Kennedy and told him it was what the pros used when they debated. He totally bought it. I even saw him turn on turbo mode. I guess it worked too well, since now he won’t leave. We really need to strike this set.”

Kennedy briefly responded to questions before shooing reporters away, claiming that he was nearing a high score and they were distracting him.

“The obsequious fawning that the media performs toward figures such as Anthony Fauci cannot be ignored,” said Kennedy in a distant voice, a hollow echo that had somehow slithered into our world from some unwholesome dimension. “Just like you cannot ignore this sick combo that I’m pulling off. I might be the best to ever do it. This game must have been vaccinated, because I’m about to hit a kill screen, for sure.”

Political historian Lindsey Devine noted that, while the event itself may be unprecedented, it did not surprise her.

“The two major parties have been looking for a solution to this dilemma for years,” said Devine. “They let Perot play in the nineties, and that wasn’t fun for anyone. I heard that they were going to try this trick with Nader, but Mr. Consumer Reports demanded a first-party controller, and no one was going to spring for that. Of course, all of the Libertarian Party candidates refuse to play multiplayer games, and the Greens only play ‘Escape from Tarkov’ for some reason. This was really their first chance to try this strategy, and you couldn’t ask for a more gullible target.”

At press time, Kennedy was overheard saying that he still had a few rounds in him, bragging that he clearly had more stamina than the other candidates.

SCOTUS Enables God Mode For Executive Branch

WASHINGTON — In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States announced it was enabling God Mode for the Presidency.

“If the President can be held accountable for his actions this presupposes any other government official, elected or otherwise, can also be held accountable for their own actions, and I simply can’t have that,” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, back from an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tahiti funded by friend of the Court and Nazi memorabilia enthusiast, Harlan Crow. “I mean, I’m an adult. My schedule doesn’t allow me to devote hours a day to getting good at this. I just want to experience the story of the fall of our republic while still spending most of my time taking lavish trips to the Maldives on someone else’s dime, and there shouldn’t be any penalty for that.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi decried the decision, and called on voters to give the Democrats money.

“This ruling is just another example of what is at stake, and why the American people must vote Joe Biden back in office come November,” Speaker Pelosi said as an offering plate was passed around among the press who had gathered at the Capitol. When it was pointed out that this ruling also presumably enabled God Mode for President Biden the Speaker rebuked the journalist, saying, “How dare you suggest that the Democrats use any power they are given when it’s available to them? In fact, we’re going to make up more rules that only we have to follow. We’re currently doing a Nuzlocke run on the presidency. Do you really think we’re interested in anything that would make this even a little bit easier?”

President Biden spoke briefly on the matter to press at the White House.

“The Supreme Court’s ruling today shows they have all the ethics of a corrupt chimney sweep, and the moral standing of a drunken lamplighter,” President Biden said. “There’s only one God, Jack, and his name is—I forget. The point is—I forget that, too. Something about achievements being turned off. Vote Biden if you want to get the true ending. I can’t promise it’s the good ending, though.”

At press time, the Supreme Court was hearing a case challenging laws against infinite ammo cheats.

Scientists Claim Kickstarter Now Leading Cause of Getting Sad Little Package in the Mail in Three Years

PHILADELPHIA — Scientists have warned users off Kickstarter this week after revealing the popular crowdfunding site is now the leading cause of getting sad little packages in the mail in three years, sources report.

“I was combing through the yearly data on depressing, over-taped parcels arriving at your doorstep sometime in the next two to six years, when I made a concerning discovery,” said trends forecaster Aimee Rorke. “Turns out, we’re seeing record numbers of crumpled, gut-wrenchingly earnest little packages with enclosed thank you notes and a complementary sticker that’s going right in the trash, but not from the usual suspects. eBay, Etsy, care packages from a try-hard relative— those are all still contributing factors, but the numbers don’t lie. This influx was coming from somewhere else: Kickstarter.”

“Most people think of Kickstarter as the crowdfunding website that allows creatives to fail publicly and at a scale previously thought impossible, but it’s actually much more than that,” Rorke continued. “On the contrary, it’s more useful to think of Kickstarter as a well-oiled machine that turns $40 into comically undersized packages with several years of delays. We’re talking packages with one massive, squished-in corner. Mail bomb-ass packages. Packages that look like they’ve been thrown out of a plane but are far too personalized to have been delivered to you accidentally.

“Then there’s that second factor: time. See, the timescale we use to measure most deliveries in the United States is incompatible with this recent spike of packages. That’s because Kickstarter rewards operate on what scientists call ‘Deep Time’, which is used to measure things like the shifting of tectonic plates or someone explaining the rules of a board game. In short, a sad little Kickstarter package can arrive anywhere between one and seven years after you threw your money in a hole, if it arrives at all. That’s a scary thought, and one backers are experiencing more and more often as this phenomenon grows.”

Even as the link between Kickstarter and the UPS man handing you a lumpy manilla envelope with no label to speak of becomes irrefutable, frequent backers report they’ve already started growing accustomed to the chaos inherent in the crowdsourcing cycle.

“The risk is part of the charm,” said Samantha O’Hare, a backer whose likeness has been immortalized on cards in at least twelve different extinct TCGs after donating to their highest reward tiers. “It’s like gambling with slightly better odds. I ante up, spin the big wheel, and who knows? Will the project get funded? Will my branded pins, digital wallpapers, two posters, and starchy t-shirt get stuck in a production timeline that lasts my entire adult life? Or will I receive a weather-beaten little box on my doorstep in three years when I’ve completely turned my life around and it gets me hooked on backing again? You don’t know until you spin!”

Following publication of the concerning data, Kickstarter released a statement hoping to quell user anxieties about their infamously hands-off approach to rewards fulfillment.

“We at Kickstarter remain deeply proud of the platform we’ve built together with our community,” the statement read. “Kickstarter can be the first or final rung on the ladder to independent success. It’s a place where the biggest projects can take that last step to production and distribution. It’s a place where even the smallest creative voices can find an audience. A place where we have bulletproof liability, so don’t even try it. But more than that, it’s a community where you can watch the light fade from a creator’s eyes in real time as their campaign fizzles into anonymity.”

“All those things make Kickstarter what it is, and what it is isn’t perfect,” the statement continued. “But neither is art. Art is messy. Art is imperfect. Art is a decades-long struggle between the needs of self and the expectations of others. Sometimes you put it all out there and no one shows up. No one reads, watches, backs. Sometimes you succeed, but more often, the best you have in you is getting back up. Sharpening your pencil. Wetting your brush. Because the best revenge in a society where the artists are condescended and undervalued is to keep giving yourself to the world. Sometimes, you fail. Sometimes the world gets nothing. But sometimes—sometimes—the world gets a little package. And that’s enough.”

At press time, Kickstarter requested that further inquiries be directed to a customer service representative, who would get back to users within three to five business years.

New Pokemon Designs Ranked by How Far They’ve Strayed from God

 

The Pokémon series has always been known for the creative and iconic design of its characters. However, after nearly thirty years and over one thousand creatures, some have fallen short of the franchise’s standards. In fact, some are abominations so unholy that they are entirely devoid of the holy light that animates us. Some call it a soul, some call it the breath of life — I’m not really interested in the distinction. I just want to write a list of twenty of the most fucked-up looking Pokémon.

20. Dachsbun

Dachsbun is at the bottom because it’s literally just a dog that already exists in the world. But, let me tell you, if my 20-pound dog went up against a Charizard, she would get her shit absolutely rocked. This fat wiener couldn’t hold its own in a damn dog park, let alone the Pokémon League. Put this dumb dog up against Rayquaza and see what happens. I dare you, Game Freak. Triple Dachsbun dare you, in fact.

19. Flamigo

I just put a picture of a flamingo because there are zero differences between it and the Pokémon. There’s something very uncanny valley-y about it. It’s familiar, yet terrifying. This design hasn’t strayed too far from our world, but that almost makes it worse. If I wanted to own a flamingo I’d go to the black market. I wouldn’t boot up my Switch.

18. Volcanion

This, for the most part, still looks like a Pokémon, but I’m pretty sure I sucked on that thing’s back when I was a teething baby. Then again, my memory of my time as an infant is murky at best. All I know is that God is tempting me and I want it in my mouth. Goo goo ga ga, Volcanion. Bring that back over here.

17. Comfey

I wonder how many of these little guys have accidentally been thrown in the trash after a luau themed office party and left to die alone in a landfill. If God wanted flowers to be conscious of their existence, he would have given them the ability to scream.

16. Caprity

Ya know what, now that I’m looking at it, this guy actually doesn’t look too bad! Maybe Game Freak is getting back to their roots a bit- oh, wait. This is from Palworld. My bad, I haven’t finished a Pokemon game since Gen 7, so I just kind of assumed this was a Pokémon. Rookie mistake.

15. Eiscue

I’m sorry, but this thing should be dead. Every time I encase someone’s head in a big smiley face cube of ice, they die. The first few times, I thought I was just doing something wrong (imposter syndrome), but now, after three to four hundred attempts, I’m like 80% sure that it’s not safe to do this. We’re starting to stray from God a bit with this nature-defying penguin.

14. Gumshoos

This Pokémon was part of Generation 7, which was released on November 18, 2016. Ten days after the election. You cannot tell me this disgusting rodent wasn’t based on a certain someone we all know. I never caught one, but I’m gonna guess its signature attack is called “Wrong.” 120 power, 0 accuracy. Effect: Hits every time no matter what, despite its inaccuracy.

13. Passimian

God loves two things: designing beautiful creatures in his image, and motherfuckin’ football, baby! Unfortunately, only one of those ideals went into making this guy. If I had a Pokémon football team I would sign Hitmonlee as my kicker. But anyway, this Pokémon is dumb and should be ashamed of itself for being such a capitalist shill for the NFL. I’d be a bigger fan if he was fucking Taylor Swift.

12. Palossand

Imagine you’re eight years old at the beach, and the sand castle you so proudly built gets possessed by a ghost and starts whaling on you in front of all your friends. Sand castles are canceled, and so is whoever demanded this be added into the game.

11. Tatsugiri

From an evolutionary standpoint, why would a Pokémon evolve to look like something so goddamn delicious? Stick bugs look like sticks to confuse predators, and Tatsugiri looks like a delectable piece of sushi that I’d whip down my throat faster than you can say “Pokémon designs suck now.” Actually, that takes kind of long to say, but you get the point.

10. Mewtwo

This might be controversial, but it’s objectively true. Sure, the design is cool. In fact, it’s sick as hell. I don’t have a Mewtwo wrap on my Mazda, but I get jealous every time I see one. Unfortunately, he is the product of human engineering rather than divine creation, and is therefore an abomination in the eyes of God.

9. Ting-Lu

Its Pokédex entry describes Ting-Lu as the “Ruinous Pokemon.” I actually agree with that! It is ruinous to the legacy of Pokemon because its antlers are a bowl. I’m starting to wonder if people in the Pokemon universe are guilty of some very heinous, experimental eugenics. Wouldn’t surprise me. There’s no reason a Pokemon would evolve to have a giant metal bowl on its head unless a human intervened. Whoever made Ting-Lu should be tried for crimes against humanity — or, rather, Ting-Lunity.

8. Necrozma

Okay, don’t get me wrong, this guy looks kinda cool. He’s like a geometric Babadook. But just picture him standing next to a Pikachu. Does it seem like they could even be from the same multiverse? Necrozma definitely abducts children in the middle of the night, but is weirdly gentle with them.

7. Tinkaton

Since when did Pokémon get fully forged weapons? Who’s making these hammers for them? Every single Tinkaton has one, so either we’re supplying them with weapons like a US-Israel situation, or Tinkatons are smart enough that we probably should stop enslaving them.

6. Arctozolt

The Pokémon gods went crazy with this one. It looks like when I used to draw Pokemon combinations as a kid, like mixing Wailord with Zapdos. Nothing could make me want this snot nosed… dragon? I’m just so sad.

5. Stakataka

I guess there aren’t enough animals in the world from which to base Pokémon designs. I cannot fathom how this came to be, or why anyone would want it. Trying to pet it would feel like caressing the outside of a 7/11. If all humans were wiped off the face of the earth, this thing would be reclaimed by nature within the hour because it is so ungodly.

4. Celesteela

Celesteela is like what Elon Musk would make if he was in charge of Pokémon. Just a big useless metal thing that looks cool to people who aren’t. I need God to strike this thing down before I accidentally look into its eyes or it blows up before leaving orbit.

3. Brute Bonnet

This guy has Pokéballs for hands and a hat. Again, just evolutionarily, how do you suppose that works? Is this implying Pokéballs existed before Pokémon? If so, what were humans putting inside them back then? I sense a sinister past in the Pokémon universe. God would not approve of whatever, or whoever, used to go inside Pokéball.

2. Gimmighoul

This one is just confusing to me. It looks like it’s a ghost who’s meant to have inhabited a pirate’s chest, but his name sounds like an extremely racist slur for Italian people. I’m all for a little recreational Italian-American slander for a goof, but this feels a bit pointed. Also, ghosts aren’t real. Where’s the realism? 

1. Gholdengo

The 1000th Pokémon design ever made, and they wasted it on fucking yellow Gumby. Will today’s children be nostalgic for Gholdengo? The day that happens is the day I become a “kids these days” guy. I hope in the next generation we can make Pokémon in our own image, like a Mii. Call me, Game Freak.

 

Game Night: It’s Casual Friday with ‘Sokomage’ and ‘Hive Jump 2: Survivors’

I had to switch horses mid-race this week. I started playing a game for the column, but it rapidly became obvious that I didn’t have enough time to cover it in the detail that it deserved. Instead, let’s swap over to a couple of shorter games that I pulled off the top of my stack.

2006’s The Burning Earth is one of about fifty shovelware games that’s based on Avatar: The Last Airbender. The only reason why Burning Earth hasn’t been forgotten is that the Xbox 360 version of Burning Earth might still have the easiest achievements of any game on the platform. You can unlock all of them in under 2 minutes.

That gave Burning Earth a weird sort of popularity as a must-play for achievement hunters, to the extent that It’s on the official list of backwards-compatible 360 games. (Somebody had to write an actual emulator for that.)

That’s also made Burning Earth one of the primary influences on a peculiar underbelly of Xbox games. Ever since achievements were introduced, there have been players who take them too seriously, which has led to a few smaller developers who specifically try to appeal to that crowd. Microsoft cracks down on the practice occasionally, but there’s still a whole vein of Xbox indies that are only there to offer cheap gamerscore options.

Speaking of which: Sokomage is a top-down block-pushing puzzler from Afil Games, a prolific Brazilian publisher/developer that focuses on casual, kid-friendly releases. It’s been on Steam for a while, but is scheduled to make its Xbox debut this weekend.

If I were to put together a “boot camp” for general video game skill, I’d make sure to have a block-pushing puzzle in the introductory courses. Sokomage is a solid, easy-to-grasp take on the concept. You’re a wizard. You use magic to shove around blocks of ice to create makeshift bridges. The end.

The first few levels of Sokomage aren’t much of a challenge, but it gets more complicated by level 10. It’s also got a nicely open design where many of its puzzles have multiple viable solutions. Sokomage was made to do one thing, and it does it well.

Well, two things: it’s also a firehose for gamerscore points. You can unlock 13 of Sokomage’s 16 achievements in maybe 20 minutes, then finish the game to get the last 3. If you’re looking to boost your score in a hurry, Sokomage has you covered.

If you like puzzles, Sokomage isn’t a bad way to spend a couple of hours. It’s got a calming retro aesthetic that reminds me of the SNES, and it’d be a decent game to play with a little kid. You could do a lot worse with $5. At the end of the day, though, it’s hard to shake the impression that this was made as catnip for achievement sickos.

In the wake of the success of Vampire Survivors, “bullet heaven” is becoming an increasingly popular subgenre for indie teams. Given the flooded state of the market, what impresses me is that I’ve yet to play a game that just cloned VS and called it a day. Time Wasters is more than “Vampire Survivors in spaceships”; 20 Minutes Till Dawn is more than “Vampire Survivors but goth”; Brotato is more than “Vampire Survivors but for people who have over 1,000 hours in The Binding of Isaac” (or vice versa).

Hive Jump 2: Survivors, which hit Steam Early Access at the end of May, keeps that streak going. It’s a sequel to a 2017 2D shooter that’s a little bit like the original Helldivers mixed with Contra. That makes the switch to bullet heaven both a big swing and surprisingly natural: both Hive Jumps are about deliberately unfair levels of difficulty, but in slightly different formats.

Each level in Survivors sends you into a cramped cave system with an infinite horde of bugs, a gun, and a dream. What sets it apart from other bullet heaven games is your access to a jetpack, which lets you reposition yourself on a whim. You can’t really get cornered in Survivors; you can always fly over a pack of aliens or hop the nearest wall to safety.

As you level up, you can assign several extra bonuses to the jetpack, like boosting your fire rate while you’re in flight or adding a small heal to its activation. It’s a handy, all-in-one emergency button that adds a nicely dynamic element to Survivors gameplay.

As of version 0.5.1310, Survivors is a solid shooter. It’s got a decent overall flow, it runs well, and it feels like a complete experience even at this early stage.

Obviously, Survivors isn’t complete, so this isn’t a full review. The game that exists at time of writing, however, has some unique balance issues that you don’t often see in the bullet heaven subgenre.

Specifically, Survivors features one of my big video game pet peeves: it treats basic functionality like it’s a reward. When you first boot it up, many of its relics and weapons are locked behind various achievements. You end up having to fumble through a couple of rounds until you gain access to equipment that should’ve been available from the start, like guns that are actually capable of meaningful crowd control.

You also initially have only 3 weapon slots to choose from. This would be fine, but you’re going to fill one of those slots with the Overshield, which is the best defensive option in the game. It’s so good, in fact, that it feels like the rest of Survivors is balanced around the assumption that you have it. The difference between a normal build and a “glass cannon” in Survivors is essentially down to whether or not you’re running Overshield.

Due to the interaction between those issues, it’s easy to hit “dead levels” in Survivors, where you shouldn’t or can’t take anything you’re offered: guns you can’t afford, stats you don’t need to boost, useless weapons, etc. This feels bad in any game, but it’s compounded in bullet heaven, where you’re always scrambling for any edge you can get.

Once you farm up enough resources to buy some permanent upgrades, Survivors gradually loosens up. The better guns open up some nicely degenerate character builds, like the gamma-ray blaster that microwaves anything it hits, and its developers have put some real thought into the player’s overall road map. Even then, it still has its dead-levels issue, and that initial run up from zero is rough.

For right now, Hive Jump 2 has solid bones, but needs some tweaking to smooth out its overall progression. It’s not that you start out in a hole – that’s part of the appeal of bullet heaven games – but that the hole’s initially too deep, and makes you dig sideways before you can climb up.

I didn’t start out with a planned theme, but I think I ended up with one.

Sokomage is simple, cheap, and does what it set out to do. It also might very well have been made as pay-to-play for people who care way too much about their TrueAchievements ranking. Hive Jump 2 is an absorbing bullet heaven game with uniquely janky progression.

One of the things that bothers me about game criticism is that it often falls into a good/bad binary. There’s a lot of value in discussing games that take big swings that don’t connect, or which make unusual mistakes. That’s the point of media criticism as a whole: it’s not meant to simply be a buyer’s guide, but a way to move the medium forward.

As far as Sokomage and Hive Jump 2 are concerned, I had fun with both of them, but their flaws are (currently) more interesting than their successes.

Lord Saddler Cancels World Domination After Discovering Magical, Golden Egg-Laying Chickens

Somewhere in Europe Lord Osmund Saddler shocked the biohazard terrorism community today by announcing a halt to his brainwashing scheme, after discovering the existence of magical chickens that lay golden eggs.

Lord Saddler broke the news to a town hall filled with local villagers, cultists, and private military forces. Although a small gathering at first, many late arrivers would soon join, brandishing strange keys, emblems, and sliding puzzles.

“This convoluted plot has been brought to an end,” announced Lord Saddler as he held up a golden egg. “Infecting the daughter of the most powerful man in the world, ransoming her off, and then using her as a Trojan horse to seize power? Absolute insanity. We don’t need Las Plagas to run the world. We’ve got something much more effective. Money.”

The mood amongst the crowd was difficult to judge, though several of the villagers were willing to make their opinions known.

“Business has never been better,” said an unknown individual who would only give ‘Merchant’ as his name. “Forget spending hours tuning up weapons or dragging around attaché cases of slightly increasing size. There’s gold in them chickens.”

Golden eggs have been a rumored sight in the rural region for years. Originally recorded as a part of the village’s founding myth, they were recently discovered to be real after a local resident blew up several chickens while throwing dynamite at a trespasser. Although a mass chicken cull was proposed, this was halted after discovering the chickens could also lay the eggs naturally.

The US Government is not pleased with the area’s newfound wealth especially after the kidnapping of President Graham’s daughter resulted in a single agent being deployed to her rescue. However, according to officials within the State Department, President Graham has begun mobilizing troops for a full invasion.

“We cannot possibly comment on any ‘hypotheticals’ at this time,” explained press secretary Sacha Valley. “What I will say is that every situation demands its own tailored response. Whether it’s sending one operative to rescue the president’s daughter, or sending ten thousand soldiers to reintroduce democracy to these Spanish inbreds, it really does depend.”

At press time, the Umbrella Corporation announced plans to send a team of researchers to study the chickens for scientifically moral purposes.

Civilization 7 to Add New ‘Senile’ Leader Trait

SPARKS, Md. — Sid Meier’s Civilization VII, the upcoming game in the popular 4X strategy series will be shaking things with the addition of the ‘Senile’ leader trait as confirmed by Firaxis Games.

While the game, which was announced at Summer Game Fest, is still a ways off, Firaxis CEO Frank Kirkland gave fans a tease of the upcoming entry on Twitter by revealing the new trait.

“I can’t say too much since we’re still hard at work but we’re adding a new leader trait to make the series a bit more relatable to the contemporary world. Select leaders in 7 will have the senile trait and that will offer players a whole new dimension of strategy,” Kirkland tweeted.

Sid Meier was asked about the new trait and gave the reason for its addition in an interview

“We want this game to be as accurate with the times as possible, so we looked at current world leaders to add the most common traits among them to the game,” said Meier. ‘Senile’ was by far the most common. This trait will affect the actions of leaders in a variety of ways. It will give a random chance of making the leader wander around aimlessly, it may also force the player to waste turns making long and insane social media posts. Stuff like that.”

Lead gameplay designer Debra Hudley says that the team is still struggling to implement the trait in a way that doesn’t break the game.

“A major consequence of the trait is that leaders with it have consistently low approval rates among in-game citizens,” Hudley stated. “But for some reason, they keep picking leaders with this trait. It essentially means that the player can never win if they have the trait. It just completely bottlenecks the progress of the player’s civilization so we need to spend some time to fix the system.”

At press time, Firaxis also plans on implementing the possibility that leaders with the trait may die of old age before games reach their natural conclusion.

AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door 2024 Card: Every match taking place

AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door 2024 will be taking place this weekend, but what is the full card for the Pay Per View event?

Following this week’s episode of AEW Dynamite, we now know the majority of bouts that will be taking place from Elmont, NY.

AEW x NJPW Forbidden Door Matches

Here are all of the matches that have been confirmed for the Forbidden Door 2024 card taking place this weekend:

  • AEW World Championship Match: Swerve Strickland vs. Will Ospreay
  • IWGP World Heavyweight Championship Match: Jon Moxley vs. Tetsuya Naito
  • AEW TNT Championship Ladder Match: Konosuke Takeshita vs. Mark Briscoe vs. Jack Perry vs. Lio Rush vs. Dante Martin vs. More TBD
  • TBS Championship/NJPW STRONG Women’s Championship Match: Mercedes Mone vs. Stephanie Vaquer
  • AEW Women’s World Championship Match: Toni Storm vs. Mina Shirakawa
  • Owen Hart Foundation Tournament First Round Match: Bryan Danielson vs. Shingo Takagi
  • Zack Sabre Jr vs. Orange Cassidy
  • MJF vs. Hechicero
  • Chris Jericho, Big Bill and TBD vs. Samoa Joe, Hook, and Katsuyori Shibata
  • The Young Bucks & Kazuchika Okada) vs. The Acclaimed & Hiroshi Tanahashi
  • Kris Statlander & Momo Watanabe vs. Willow Nightingale & TBD

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Hard Drive Does Pro Wrestling Stuff?

Yes, we cover pro wrestling news, including WWE, AEW, New Japan and sometimes the indies, so make sure that you keep checking back for everything you need to know about this great sport.

You can check out more of the content we have via our Minus World section (which also has real gaming news) and if you want to see more pro wrestling or combat sports you can check out my site FightFans!

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