“Hades II” Characters Ranked by How Tender & Giving They’d Be As Lovers

EREBUS It’s well known that the residents of the underworld and Olympus are all impressive when it comes to combat. But that’s not the reason we play Hades II. Or…not the only reason, at least. Let’s get down to brass tacks, folks: which one of these stupidly sexy mythological motherfuckers would make for the most tender, caring and giving romantic partner? We know you’ve thought about it at least once (I mean, look at you), and here at Hard Drive we live for such groundbreaking journalism as this. As such, we’ve taken the liberty of breaking it down for you. All of this is objective fact and we promise we are not biased in any way. 

12. Narcissus

I mean, this one’s pretty obvious, right? It’s in the name. There’s no way this chiseled hunk could give two phantom shits about anyone other than himself. He’s literally where the term narcissism comes from…and that does extend to the bedroom. You think this guy is going to gently caress your skin like silk, or look into your eyes until your very spirits begin to merge? Get real. 

11. Eris

Woof, that haircut. Bark, bark– sorry, that was unbecoming of me. Eris, daughter of Nyx, is strife incarnate, and she usually behaves like a spoiled brat for most of the game. She’s mischievous, which can be hot under the right circumstances, but she’s not mature enough for you and you know it. Tender? Caring? She doesn’t know those words. We’ve all dated someone like her at some point, right? 

10. Nemesis

As the living personification of retribution, this hot tamale is cold-blooded, and would likely only have time for a quickie before going back to making Melinoë’s life more interesting. She’d just be looking to come and go, y’know? And she’d probably laugh in your face if you asked her for quality time together. But my gods, look at that wide stance. Those arms, her forearm shield…you know what? Let me stop. 

9. Hecate

Hecate is the goddess of witchcraft and doorways, among other things, and while that might sound kind of hot on paper, in reality it would probably amount to having more spells cast on you than you’d like. She’s a mentor to Melinoë, so she is capable of being caring, but a gentle lover? I’m having a hard time seeing it. Those abs are mighty impressive, though. 

8. Heracles

Ooh, big strong arms, protruding pecs, and a lion’s mane around his head? Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, yeah – the man is quite literally all brawn and no brains. He’s rugged, sure, but he’s always cold to Melinoë, and if that’s how he treats the princess of the underworld, you think he’s giving you the time of day? He wouldn’t even hold your hand or cuddle under the blanket while watching a shitty Netflix rom-com. Next! 

7. Moros

Ok, now here’s where things start to get interesting. Moros is Doom incarnate, and while you might think that’s the last thing you’d want as a partner, he’s actually quite gentle once you get to know him. He’s polite, he’s cordial, he has a sense of manners. He’d probably ask for permission before going down on you. I know, I know: the bar is in Tartarus. 

6. Hermes

Sure, the messenger god of commerce and travel might finish fast, but take that as a compliment, right? He’s just so excited to be with you in the first place. I mean, look at those devious eyes. That man has plans within plans for your evening, and could dart to Athens and back in the blink of an eye to bring you a bouquet of peonies. Just don’t expect him to still be there in the morning. 

5. Artemis

A gentle ally to Melinoë throughout the game, Artemis may be the goddess of the hunt, but she’s also more quiet and reserved than you might expect. She’d definitely be down for a nice, relaxing stroll through the woods with you – a quality time queen! And she’s probably a low-key dom, too, with that bow perched on her shoulders the way it is. She knows her way around a mortal body. Something, something…Pressure Points? 

4. Apollo

The biggest twink on Mount Olympus, Apollo would let you gently comb his golden locks, run your hands over his light-producing abs, and allow you to ride across the sky together in his chariot. Now that’s a first date! This man is literally a god of music, dance, poetry…imagine an ode written by him. Sploosh. You really can’t do much better when it comes to tender men! 

3. Odysseus

Ok, I know I just said you can’t do much better than the literal god of light, but you have to give it to Odysseus: the man was at sea for ten years, he knows a thing or two about…taking his time, let’s say. For a legendary hero, he’s also one of the most normal people in Erebus. He’s bashful when Melinoë disrobes in the bath…if only someone reacted like that to me taking off my clothes! Sure, he may be a serial cheater, but this isn’t a list of how faithful they’d be, damn it! He’d show you a good time, and would treat you right, for as long (or short) of a time as that may be. 

2. Aphrodite

Come on now. The Olympian goddess of love, sex and beauty herself? She knows every trick in the book, and knows just how you like it, you little freak. She’s got skin as smooth as satin and her love language is all of the love languages at once – she’d be generous, loving, appreciative of your nectar and ambrosia and willing to return the favor. It’d be a romance as incomparable as… a thing that you can’t compare something to! There would be paintings depicting her gentle touch on your unworthy mortal thighs. Well, until Ares walked in the door, that is. 

1. Selene

Selene, Selene, SELENE MY QUEEN! She’s the literal Moon, for Zeus’s sake! Look at those kind eyes, that flowing dress, that hair! Selene is nothing but kind and affectionate, like the radiant light of the moon itself. She also has a fun side and craves a little adrenaline now and then. She’d be supportive of your ambitions, your desires, your bedroom kinks, and on top of it all, she’s a great listener and would probably be a great gift-giver too. You think you could find a more giving, tender lover? You’re dreaming even harder than Hypnos, my friend. 

So there you have it, our definitive list that we definitely didn’t put any thought into at all. We hope we’ve helped you fantasize just a little bit harder about your ideal love life while playing the game. That’s what we’re here for, after all. 

Opinion: Millennials Would Be Able to Afford Homes If They Didn’t Let Older Kids Trick Them Into Giving Up Their Most Valuable Pokémon Cards

I’m sick of hearing millennials whine about how they can’t afford homes. The truth is, everyone in this spoiled generation would be living it up if they hadn’t let older kids trick them into giving up their most valuable Pokémon cards.

The Pokémon Trading Card Game’s original 1999 Base Set provided millennials with the most valuable assets they’ve ever had their hands on. Twenty-five years later, some holographic cards from this set can be worth tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, reports suggest most millennials were hustled out of these holos by older, shrewder children, locking them out of the housing market and lowering the standard of living for their entire generation.

I’ve heard some truly embarrassing anecdotes about millennials who foolishly gave away these golden tickets for little or nothing. One was beaten by an older kid who misrepresented the rules, saying that the winner got to keep the loser’s six prize cards, which included two First Edition Blastoise holos. This millennial later read the rule book and found out that’s not what the prize cards were for, but the older kid wouldn’t give them back.

In another case, a millennial traded a bunch of his Base Set holos after an older kid at a Toys “R” Us Pokémon League told him they were fake because the borders around the artwork didn’t have drop shadows. He later learned that shadowless cards are actually from an earlier print than cards with shadows and are more valuable. Yikes!

Advocates have been calling on local and state governments, Congress, and the president to take action to increase the affordability of housing, saying that an economy based on who was lucky enough to hang on to a bunch of decades-old trading cards isn’t fair.

But why should some dimwit who traded a PSA 10 First Edition Base Set Charizard for one of those Ancients Mew promo cards they gave out with tickets for Pokémon the Movie 2000 be bailed out by someone who played by the rules and kept their holos in a binder until the market was hot?

If millennials want to be taken seriously, it’s time for them to stop acting so entitled and take some responsibility for themselves by learning how to cheat today’s children out of cool collectibles that might become valuable someday.

Woman Runs Back Into Burning House To Make Sure It Destroys Husband’s Gaming Chair

EDISON, N.J. — Local homeowner Lindsay Roach was seen sprinting back into her burning house to ensure that the flames consumed her husband’s gaming chair, bystanders confirm.

“I know it’s a risky decision, but we had family over. I had to double check that everyone got out and none of them tried to save the chair,” Mrs. Roach told officials. “Nothing is more important to me than saving my family from that chair. It doesn’t match anything and it’s falling apart. Plus, it’s weird. I mean—people come over and they see the chair and they say ‘I didn’t know you had kids’ and then I have to pretend we have kids. I don’t want to live like that.”

First Responders on the scene were very critical of Roach’s decision to re-enter the house. 

 “Listen – you should never run into a burning building or buy a gaming chair. It’s not worth throwing your life away like that,” explained Lieutenant Alan Bradshaw. “We have a saying in the fire service: Risk a lot to save a lot, risk little to save little, and risk nothing for a gaming chair because they’re ugly as hell.”

The Lieutenant went on to explain that Mrs. Roach didn’t have to worry, because those chairs are all made of cheap foam and polyurethane and will melt almost immediately.

“You could smell that chair burning from two doors down,” complained one of the Roach’s neighbors. “It smelled almost as bad as it did before it caught fire…Personally, I never understood gamers. Why couldn’t the guy have a normal hobby, like ‘Magic: The Gathering’? You don’t need any special chairs for ‘Magic: The Gathering’, all you need is a deck of spells, a dash of luck and a lonely childhood.”

At the time of publication, Mrs. Roach was busy trying to throw her husband’s funko pop collection back into the burning house. Her husband could not be reached for comment because he was weeping uncontrollably. 

It’s August 2024 and You are Publicly Transgender on Twitter Dot Com

You should have gone to bed a few hours ago, and to be fair, you did — but not to fall asleep. No, you’ve been doomscrolling on Twitter for whoever knows how long. You don’t want to look at the clock.

You’ll always call it Twitter. Your friends joke that it’s the only appropriate time to use a deadname. One of your mutuals posted a joke about that earlier, and you would have retweeted it, if they hadn’t gotten suspended for saying ‘cis’ in a tweet thirty seconds later.

It’s a slur, apparently, according to Elon. You haven’t seen justice for all the ones you’ve been called in the past, though.

Maybe you’re in a bedroom that belongs to someone else; someone dead yet still here, a friend, a lover, or family, if you’re one of the lucky few to still have it. You’ve heard the stories, and you keep hearing them day by day by day. Families ousting their children without a second thought, perhaps like yourself — or, possibly worse, you’re allowed to remain housed with some sort of caveat that you must perform to the standards of those keeping a roof over your head.

Cis people are weird about trans people. But you can’t tweet that. Not without accidentally proving your point.

Regardless, you are still doomscrolling on Twitter, stupid rules or not.

You feel it’s gotten slowly worse over the last month. Well, it was already pretty bad, but it’s as if every day comes with a new lambasting of anti-trans sentiment. Last week (or was it two weeks ago? Lockdown still wreaks havoc on your ability to tell time.) you were seeing, all over, grifters crawling out of the woodwork to claim that Mr. Beast’s transgender friend was the downfall of the millionaire’s career, or something stupid like that.

Reasonable person you are, you politely (or perhaps aggressively, you’re entitled to defend yourself) told others that Ava Tyson was just a trans woman doing her own thing, and she’s allowed to find herself. Perhaps you related to the struggle of daring to be transfem on the internet. Perhaps you were just defending your sisters.

And then this week she was allegedly outed for being a pedophile. Or just liking one weird thing from Shadman. You haven’t looked into the details, nor do you really want to. The same grifters claiming she was out to destroy her friend’s career are now doubling down. Every other tweet you’ve seen for the last while has been about Ava Tyson, amongst all the Gofundmes of your mutuals and mutuals-in-law.

You’d donate if you could. All you can do is retweet. Curious, you scroll back, only to find not one has been fully funded yet, only garnering scraps of retweets, likes, and supportive replies.

Absently, you wonder how much those blue-check accounts are making. Maybe those could cover the costs of at least a few of them.

Backing out of your own account to continue down your timeline, switching from ‘For You’ to ‘Following’ to hopefully see some brighter posts, you’re greeted by what’s expected of your mutuals. Maybe it’s swathes of fanart of your favorite franchise. Maybe it’s simple life posts about daily goings-on, like the silly things their pets get up to. Maybe it’s fursuit WIPs upon WIPs. Perhaps a blend of all, or something completely different.

But soon, a name keeps popping up. Imane Khelif. Oh, right, the Olympics are happening, aren’t they? Initially, it’s a few posts. Quote-retweets of those you follow dunking on weird people. Apparently this lady beat a different boxer in, like, forty seconds, and people are being racist about it because the other boxer was white. Or something. It’s late, and you’re only sort-of following this thread.

As you scroll, though, more posts keep coming. All about Imane.

They’re calling her a man.

But Imane Khelif is a completely cisgender woman.

Soon, your timeline — both following and algorithmic — are blowing up. She’s a man. She’s a woman. She has high testosterone. She’s been tested, and doesn’t. Logan Paul (or was it the other one?) jumps in. Elon Musk. JK Rowling — whose house is apparently full of black mold which might explain some things — butts in with her opinion, because of course she does.

You’ve seen this all before, at least in chunks and pieces. Caster Semenya catching heat for ‘high testosterone levels’. The actual transgender boxer in this year’s Olympics — Hergie Bacyadan — being forced to compete against women, despite being an out trans man. Frivolous claims of men transitioning and upturning their entire lives solely to gain an advantage in a women’s league.

You think about Michael Phelps. You wonder if having above-average testosterone is as much of an advantage as being double-jointed having no fear response. Or does it only matter when it threatens the binary?

You turn off your phone and roll over in bed. Every other day, you hear something. A death. An attack. One of your friends being accused of all manner of things for the sole crime of doing an innocuous activity while being transgender. As soon as a trans person does it, it’s a ‘fetish,’ apparently.

You think about the death rates. About your replies being full of “41%” comments the last time you were brave enough to post a picture. The public oglings by those who see you as a novel sex object, the fear, the sheer danger you and others put yourselves in by merely daring to exist out in public. Knowing that, at any moment, someone you looked up to can just declare you a target.

But sure. Cis people are the ones suffering prosecution, you scoff to yourself.

It’s late now. Too late to still be awake on a work night. Imane is charging those who targeted her with defamation in a court of law. You’re hanging out with your friends tomorrow. You could use some air.

It’s a small victory. But it’s what keeps you going.

Maybe September will bring greener pastures.

High School Friend Group Found Dead After Man Abandons Questline To Attend College

PHILADELPHIA – A tight-knit group of high school friends was found dead last week after a young man abandoned their questline to attend college out of state, sources report.

“No matter how many times you see it, it never gets any easier,” said Florence Hughes, the detective assigned to the case. “Four young people—kids, really—cut down on the eve of adulthood, all because someone couldn’t be bothered to advance their questline before progressing too far into Sarah Lawrence College. It makes me sick.”

“Unfortunately, tragedies like these are extremely common among recent graduates, especially ones who don’t check in with their old buddies or fail to exhaust all their dialogue before unlocking Spring Semester,” continued Hughes. “People tend to take a fatalistic view of death after the fact, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. For some of these kids, staying in touch would have been as simple as a phone call every now and then. A text. An email. Leaving and then reloading the area to trigger Jackson’s new dialogue about breaking up with his high school girlfriend. With a little effort, all this could’ve been avoided. But I guess a little effort is too much for some people.”

News of the friend group’s unexpected death, whose members had known each other since middle school and reportedly survived the Covid pandemic as well as several doomed inter-group relationships, landed hardest amongst the teens’ parents.

“I’m not sure how to talk about it,” said Wendy Stalh, mother to Jackson Stalh, the friend group’s resident extrovert and chronic flake. “One day, you’re doing chores and going about your life, and the next, your only son is found ambiguously slumped against a tree twelve feet from the front door. At first, I thought he was taking a nap, he looked so peaceful. That’s when I noticed he was lootable. My world changed forever.”

“Jackson was a bright, kind young man,” continued Stalh. “Most days, he could be located just outside the Shaded Pizzeria, or at the entrance to Emily’s House if you’d already spoken to Emily and given her the Letter From Jackson. If Jackson’s so-called friend had been there to help fight off the roaming Gentleman Callers, he could’ve opened up a new dialogue that might’ve saved Jackson’s life, and earned him a summonable wingman for future romances. But it’s like my mother used to say, you can’t fix a broken heart with could-bes. I just hope those who knew him remember my Jackson as he was. A sweetheart. A goofball with big dreams. An optional encounter who drops Wadded Gum as well as the Mother’s Lament gesture when killed.”

The young man responsible for abandoning his friend group expressed regret for the way things turned out, but firmly denied any accusation of wrongdoing.

“Jesus, I was gone for, what, a month?” said Chris Lawton, a first-year at Sarah Lawrence College in New York— an unforgivable several hours’ drive from the group’s hometown of Philly. “How was I supposed to know they’d all die? I tried to keep up with them, I really did, but there’s only so many Jackbox nights I can take, and those guys were die-hard Joke Boaters anyway. I thought I’d try slowly disengaging, just for a little while, you know? But they kept sending me cryptic texts like ‘We miss you’ and ‘Meet me in the Old Ruins’, and it’s like, what old ruins? That’s nowhere on my map. I’m just supposed to intuit where you’ll be next and what gesture I need to perform for you to drop the Ring of Emily’s Favor? If I had that much time to waste, I’d be 100-percenting all my relationships.”

“It’s horrible, of course I regret leaving, and not just because now I’m locked out of the Best Man questline and some lore-important dialogue from Jackson,” continued Lawton, who states his college friends are more easygoing and prefer Quiplash. “I loved those guys. Jackson. Emily. The blonde one. I’m so sad they’re gone. I’m gonna miss you all so much. You said the bodies were lootable though?”

At press time, the young man had been convicted on four counts of manslaughter, with a judge expected to rule in the coming week as to whether his crimes are serious enough to warrant the state-sanctioned Age of Incarceration Ending.

Trump Fails to Press F at Tomb of Unknown Soldier

ARLINGTON, Va. — Donald Trump and his campaign are under fire after a visit to the Arlington National Cemetery has led to the US Army claiming the former president failed to press F at the tomb of the unknown soldier.

“This cemetery is sacred ground for thousands of families across the nation as the final resting place of their loved one who gave their lives for this country and the Trump campaign failed to follow the rules that were laid out to them,” claimed Theodore Lockhart, a spokesperson for the US Army. “The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier is a monument to all the identified heroes who died fighting for our great nation and we were very explicit with Trump and his team that he had to press F to pay respects while he was here. We gave him ample time to follow the prompt, it wasn’t a quick time prompt and yet he still failed to press f before leaving.”

Lockhart then explained the unfortunate aftermath of Trump’s inability to press F.

“As Trump was leaving an employee of the cemetery tried to ensure that the rules were followed and that the appropriate F’s were given to honor the fallen. This employee was rudely and disrespectfully pushed aside by Trump’s campaign staff. By the time the employee was helped and proper F’s were given for her failure, Trump and his team had left. Trump was contacted by us following his departure to give him the opportunity to give F’s in chat but he simply replied ‘git gud’. We absolutely condemn this egregious act of disrespect by Donald Trump and his team. There is truly nothing lower than the failure to press F to pay respects.”

Trump hit back against the allegations during a campaign rally in Memphis.

“The Army is talking about me folks. They’re calling me disrespectful. Disrespectful they’re saying, because I didn’t press F to pay respects. That’s what they want you to do now is to press F. I don’t know folks. I thought I was pretty respectful, let me tell you. I was there wasn’t I? You know who wasn’t there? That’s right Crazy Kamala and Tiny Tim. They weren’t there but I was and for some reason, I’m the disrespectful one because I didn’t press F. Let me tell you folks, no one is more respectful than me, I’m the most respectful person there is believe me. So what if I didn’t press F or give F’s in chat? Maybe I would have if they were still alive. I prefer my war heroes to be alive but that’s just me folks.”

At press time, Trump has claimed that he would only press F to pay respects to the late great Hannibal Lecter.

Game Night: ‘Conscript’ Argues That World War I is Scarier Than Zombies

Conscript is, in almost every way that matters, a classic survival horror game. You’re alone in hostile territory, surrounded by enemies, with limited available resources. Everything you try to do is blocked by obstacles, puzzles, or strange locks, and your primary goal is to get out alive.

The twist is that it has no overt supernatural, conspiracy, or science-fiction elements. Conscript is about one man trying to live through the Battle of Verdun, despite constant artillery strikes, enemy soldiers, disease, pestilence, trauma, rats with a taste for human flesh, and most crucially, your commanding officers’ incompetence.

Conscript is the debut project from Australian solo developer Jordan Mochi, who’s been working on the game for the last 7 years. According to Mochi, he made Conscript as a combination of his love of both history and the Resident Evil series. The resulting game makes an implicit argument that having to participate in WWI-era trench warfare is at least as terrifying a scenario as any zombie apocalypse, and you know what? That’s a good point.

Conscript begins in the summer of 1916, 5 months into the Battle of Verdun. At this point in what’s still known as the Great War, the German strategy is to “bleed France white,” by hitting a single point in the French lines with everything it can muster. It’s a pure battle of attrition.

You come into this as André, a private in the French army, who was drafted alongside his brother Pierre. On July 16, the Germans launch another ground assault on Verdun. Pierre is wounded and taken off the front lines before the worst of the fighting begins, while André is knocked out and left for dead.

When André wakes up, he’s alone and unarmed in what’s now suddenly German territory. He’s forced to fight his way back to the French lines, and along the way, try to find out where his brother went.

Out of the gate, Conscript starts landing gut punches on the player and never lets up. This isn’t a game about sudden jump scares, but instead, works off a slowly mounting sense of dread.

Everything around you is gray, brown, or black, unless it’s either blood red or mustard gas yellow. You’re constantly finding the remnants of people’s lives from before or outside the war, like old photographs or mementos, or a burned-out field that’s just barely recognizable as what used to be a farm. One of the most common obstacles in your way is a crater from an artillery strike that’s filled with rain and/or corpses.

The game opens with an extended combat sequence where you as André must defend the French lines from yet another German attack. You’re sent to randomly run around the trenches while other soldiers die at random around you, while your commanding officer yells orders at you from relative safety.

Conscript might be the only game I’ve ever played where I was given a machine-gun turret, but felt sort of bad about using it. The Germans come at you in groups of two or three, and most of them aren’t armed with anything more than a shovel. Every once in a while, one of them drops a grainy photograph of a family member or a beloved pet. Conscript’s version of WWI is impossible to see as anything other than a tragedy.

On paper, this is a brilliant match between two similar concepts. One of the most brutal, violent combat theaters in military history works well as a setting for a genre that’s often known for its brutality and violence.

Conscript doubles down on that with combat that, like Resident Evil 4’s, is primarily about space control. Most of the enemies in the game have one plan, to rush you down before you can shoot them, and once somebody’s in your face, you don’t have a lot of good options to get them back out.

Long guns in Conscript typically force you to slowly work a bolt or rack a slide in between each shot, then reacquire your target. Meanwhile, the guy you just shot isn’t dead yet, and he and his best friend are coming to kick your hairstyle in. Most of my fights in Conscript seem to degenerate into me frantically beating somebody to death with a pickaxe, which I am given to understand is a realistic recreation of the World War I trench combat experience.

The general idea seems to be similar to the original Silent Hill’s, where the combat’s deliberately janky in order to communicate a specific narrative point. You’re supposed to be frustrated and desperate, because André usually is. I can’t say it doesn’t work, but there’s a substantial learning curve attached. I ended up dumping all my upgrades into the first semi-automatic pistol I got, so I didn’t have to deal with the bolt-action gimmick.

The purposeful awkwardness of its combat is a useful example of the (other) conflict at the heart of Conscript. It effectively recreates a particular point in history as a horror scenario, but it also wants to be a ‘90s survival horror game.

Sometimes that combination works to its benefit, with puzzles or challenges that reinforce the theme. At other times, particularly in Chapter 3, Conscript’s balance tips all the way over into survival horror and it lands with a thud. There’s a lot here that doesn’t make sense as anything other than gratuitous shout-outs to the games that inspired Conscript, and that can’t help but damage the vibe.

For example, there’s one sequence that requires you to navigate a series of gas-filled tunnels in search of four clues that let you decipher the solution to an elaborate combination lock, while another sends you on a key hunt through the bombed-out French countryside. At another point, the rolling boulder trap from the original Resident Evil makes a surprise cameo, which is hand-waved as unexpected debris from an unstable mining tunnel.

I’m more familiar with survival horror as a genre than I’d imagine most people are, as I have a terrible obsession. That said, it’s difficult for me to not experience this sort of thing as someone gently elbowing me and saying, “See? It’s a Resident Evil reference. You get it, right?” The more elaborate and surreal the puzzles are, the further Conscript gets from its strengths.

As a result, I’ve got a mixed opinion on Conscript. When it’s reenacting World War I as a grimy, futile horror scenario, it’s genuinely harrowing, although the combat takes some time to click. On the other hand, when it’s self-consciously trying to be Resident Evil: 1916, it loses that edge.

There’s a good idea at the heart of Conscript, and I could see someone else really enjoying its dark, atmospheric style of historical horror. It’s a little too eager to pay homage to its inspirations, however. If it stuck with the mood of its first chapter, with more down-to-earth puzzles and obstacles, it’d be a more satisfying overall experience. As it is, Conscript is a must-play for survival horror fans, but it’s uneven.

Final Girl Really Not Looking Forward to Unpacking All This

HOUSTON — Jeanette Gold, the lone survivor of the Houston Hangman’s killing spree is reportedly struggling to see the silver lining of making it out alive, local hospital staff confirmed.

“I mean, am I supposed to be grateful? I lost a hand, saw my best friend get impaled on a fence, and now my insurance is telling me they won’t cover my rehabilitation,” Gold told reporters. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy I didn’t get killed, but this really upends my plans for the month. I was gonna visit my sister in Duluth and now I have to push that back until at least November to deal with all this.”

Andre Soders, a behavioral health specialist at Houston Medical Center, noted Gold’s priorities as being a bit off.

“When I first spoke with Ms. Gold, I thought she would want to process the trauma of seeing her boyfriend and childhood friends killed in front of her,” a concerned Soders said. “Instead, she spent almost an hour ranting about how she had to use all her paid sick days. I don’t want to judge anyone’s grieving process, but she seemed more inconvenienced than distraught.”

Forensic Psychologist Vanessa Stabb cited Gold’s behavior as weighing heavy on the Houston Hangman himself.

“He actually feels really bad about how this played out,” Stabb explained. “He never intended to leave Ms. Gold saddled with all these feelings. He appears to be suffering from a reverse-survivor’s guilt, believing if he was just a better killer, then she wouldn’t have to suffer.”

As the Houston Hangman began receiving sympathy nationwide, Jeanette addressed the situation for the first time since leaving the hospital.

“I’m really struggling to see how I’m supposed to feel bad here,” Gold responded in an Instagram Live. “ He’s not the victim here. Are we forgetting that he cleaved my best friends in two right before my eyes? Now he’s in a cushy paid for asylum and I have to deal with the horror of our healthcare system. I’m the victim!”

At press time, the Houston Hangman has vowed to finish the job as soon as he escapes prison. Jeanette has yet to respond herself, but relatives claim she’s found some solace in his words.

Gamer Trying Drugs Confused When Screen Doesn’t Just Wobble for 15 Seconds

ANDOVER, Mass. Local gamer Danny Murphy shared his recent befuddlement when trying drugs did not produce the same 15 seconds of screen wobbling he had expected.

“I recently decided to experiment a bit. I figured what is the worst that could happen? I’ve tried all sorts of cool guy drugs in games from Jet to Aurora and they never seemed to do much other than make the screen wobble for a few seconds. I figured something with a silly name like Molly would be no different. Let me tell you it lasts a lot longer and does a lot more! I woke up wicked sweaty in a pile of plushies” said Murphy when interviewed at his suburban studio apartment.

The occupants of the adjacent apartment to Murphy’s, who wished to remain anonymous, provided more detail about the events that unfolded.

“My family and I were enjoying a nice movie night when the theme from ‘Carnival Night Zone’ started rattling through our shared wall. I went over to ask him to turn it down, but he wouldn’t agree to that until I came in and touched his velvet Bubsy 3D poster because it ‘felt so good’. After I touched his poster he tried to tell me that Michael Jackson wrote the song he was playing, like I’d believe that. He kept mentioning this would be over anytime now, whatever that means.”

When reached for comment Murphy’s friend Leslie Drew noted,

“He’s always thought the weed minigame in GTAV was ‘so cool’ but wouldn’t listen when I told him that’s not actually what happens when you smoke pot. I keep telling him he needs to expand his horizons. This would have never happened if he played Disco Elysium.”

Murphy reported he wasn’t mad about the prolonged experience and shared he plans to see if other drugs do more than make his vision briefly wobble.

“Some people have told me to be careful and that drugs can be addictive, but as a gamer I know the local doctor can usually cure that for 70 caps or so.”

At press time, Murphy had reportedly told friends he was heading to Fenway Park to seek medical help from a physician.

Sony Assures Fans PS5 Pro Will Also Not Have Any Exclusives

SAN MATEO, Calif — In response to leaks regarding the long rumored PlayStation 5 Pro, Sony has issued assurances to fans that this next iteration of the legendary home console will also not have any exclusive games.

Following the reporting from gaming outlets, co-CEO Hermen Hulst posted on X – The Everything App, confirming the existence of the half-step console and boasting about the lack of exclusive titles.

“Yes, we are working on a new Pro model of the PlayStation 5. No, it won’t have any exclusive games,” Hulst wrote. “Nothing is more paramount than making sure anyone buying this new system enjoys the same lack of exclusive software as our base console players. More details will be released soon, but our fans can rest easy that none of those details will include games that take advantage of the upgraded hardware. We think it will be a big hit.”

PlayStation fan account PSWarrior excitedly posted about the confirmation from Sony on the PS5 subreddit. 

“Sony just gets it. They know we don’t need games to appreciate all they do for us. Xbots seething right now. Day one buy, no questions asked. LFG XDDDDDDDDD!!!,” PSWarrior wrote. In response to a commenter questioning their excitement, PSWarrior, who is also a mod for r/PS5, quickly fired back and banned the user in question. “GTFO out tourist. Is your head so far up Uncle Phil’s ass you got brain damage from the lack of oxygen, or is it just because you’re another xbox fanboy and it comes naturally to be this stupid?”

The PlayStation corporate account also issued a statement, letting fans know they would soon be able to learn more.

“We are so close to taking the next step in our PS5 journey together,” The account wrote. “Keep an eye out on PlayStation.com where we will be posting a more detailed breakdown of what our fans can expect once the PS5 Pro launches. We can’t wait for you all to see what we won’t have to offer”

At press time the PS5 Pro site was up, but any attempts to open the “Games” page resulted in a 404 error.