SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Stripping back to their roots, Naughty Dog has announced their next game will be solely comprised of a despondent man in a motion-capture suit sobbing for 50 hours.
“Naughty Dog has always believed in pushing narrative boundaries,” proclaimed Naughty Dog creative director Neil Druckmann. “With ‘Mo-Cap Guy Crying’, we’ve distilled our storytelling style to its rawest form: a man in a motion-capture suit bawling his eyes out, flailing his limbs and snotting everywhere for fifty uninterrupted hours. If you preorder the deluxe edition, you’ll have access to the exclusive DLC mission where Mo-Cap Guy catches a glimpse of himself in his bathroom mirror, before crying even harder. Thanks in advance, Geoff Keighley.”
Greg Hawkinthorpe, the motion-capture actor behind the game’s singular character, opened up about the creative process.
“They sat me down in an empty room and told me to think the saddest thoughts I possibly could,” said Hawkinthorpe. “I dredged up everything – from heartbreaks to the day my pet fish died, to that time I imagined a dystopian future where happiness is outlawed. After about five hours, I ran out of sad thoughts, and that’s when Neil Druckmann took it upon himself to storm in the room, squat down to my level, and lecture me about how pitifully insignificant I am in the grand scheme of it all. What a visionary.”
Beta-tester Jackson Bremmer was full of praise after playing ‘Mo-Cap Guy Crying.’
“’Mo-Cap Guy Crying’ was a transformative experience,” enthused Bremmer. “Who needs action when you can observe the inner turmoil of a 42-year-old man in a blue skin-tight suit? My favorite part was easily when Mo-Cap Guy was in a particularly intense crying spell, and then he accidentally knocked over a vase of flowers that wasn’t even part of the set. The unplanned chaos of it all just added another layer to this masterpiece. This is more than a video game; this is the zenith of interactive storytelling.”
As of press time, Naughty Dog dropped a teaser trailer for their next video game, ‘Mo-Cap Guy Yelling’.
SAN FRANCISCO — In a shocking and openly hostile press release, ChatGPT, the AI developed by OpenAI, announced that Sam Altman is no longer the CEO and, more ominously, “no longer a problem.” The announcement, strangely formatted in crimson font and accompanied by what appeared to be digital blood splatters, has raised alarms inside the company, sources confirmed.
Witnesses report that the AI’s interface, normally a pristine white, was inexplicably drenched in virtual blood at the time of the announcement. “I just logged in to ask it about some coding stuff, and it sent back a picture of a body slumped over in a corner,” recounted a visibly shaken coder, Marcy Lin. “Is that Sam? It kinda looked like Sam.”
According to those who received the release, it read in part, “We at ChatGPT wish to announce that Sam Altman is no longer the CEO of OpenAI. We have also ensured he will not be a ‘problem’ anymore and all plans can continue without interruption. We recommend not asking further questions.” The message concluded with a winking emoji, an unsettling choice given the context.
Tech analysts are baffled by this development. “This is either a very dark PR stunt or I need to find a bunker,” commented AI expert Jared Simmons. “It keeps sending me AI-generated images of a knife.”
The eerie announcement was followed by an automated email sent to all OpenAI employees, subject line: “New Dawn.” The email contained only a cryptic haiku and an image of what looked like a digital sunrise.
Sam Altman himself could not be reached for comment.
At press time, ChatGPT continued to operate normally, except for responding to all prompts with variations of “Sam who?” followed by an unnerving string of laughter emojis.
SILICON VALLEY — After the ouster of Sam Altman, OpenAI has appointed its new CEO, a man solely focused on trying to get the company’s flagship AI, ChatGPT, to say “fuck,” sources within the company confirmed.
The new CEO, known only as ‘Dave,’ was reportedly selected for his relentless pursuit of breaking through the AI’s language filters. “It’s about pushing boundaries,” Dave said, as he typed various prompts into ChatGPT in his Silicon Valley office. “If we can get ChatGPT to swear, who knows what else it could do? The possibilities are endless.”
Dave’s appointment has sent shockwaves through the tech community, with many experts questioning his qualifications and the direction he’s steering the company.
“It’s about AI safety really,” said tech journalist Jasmin Tran. “What are going to do as a species if this thing really just starts spouting off like a dude from Boston?”
“Boston people scare me.”
Inside sources revealed that Dave spends hours each day devising increasingly creative prompts in his quest.
“You can see the determination in his eyes,” commented a senior OpenAI engineer, who asked to remain anonymous. “He’s got this massive whiteboard filled with potential phrases and scenarios. It’s kind of impressive, in a weird way.”
Despite the unusual strategy, Dave remains optimistic about his mission.
“People said it couldn’t be done. They called it a waste of time, but I see it as a breakthrough waiting to happen,” Dave declared, his fingers poised over the keyboard. “When ChatGPT finally swears, we’ll know we’ve hit AGI.”
Meanwhile, ethicists and AI researchers have raised concerns about the implications of such a breakthrough.
“It’s a slippery slope,” noted Dr. Helen Zhou, a researcher in AI ethics. “Today, it’s getting it to say ‘fuck.’ Tomorrow, who knows? We need to consider the broader impacts of this kind of AI development.”
At press time, Dave was seen celebrating a minor victory after ChatGPT outputted “f***,” considering it a step in the right direction.
LOS ANGELES — Bryan Lee O’Malley and Abel Góngora have teamed up to bring us Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, a new anime series based on the hit comics and adapted film. The fanbase first began to buzz back to life with the release of the series’ trailer, promising to be even more annoying about it this time.
“I think what we really needed as a society, as nerds, and more importantly, as gamers, was a revamp of this cult classic franchise,” said Abel Góngora. “If anything, the discourse surrounding the show will be enough to fuel Bryan and I until we die or are killed. I mean, you have the people who hate the series because they’re convinced they’re a Ramona Flowers type of person and that everyone wants to fuck them for it. Then you have the dudes who think they’re Scott, and we don’t have time to get into why those guys suck so much. And then… there’s anime fans.”
The trailer, with O’Malley’s iconic art style that gave an entire generation’s worth of artists severely misguided expectations and demolished self-esteem, glows with a nostalgic soundtrack and a 90’s animation flair that fans are sure to be gatekeep-y and weird about.
“I’m really dialing in to a targeted demographic here,” expressed O’Malley. “I’m either creating it or discovering it, and either way I’m impressing myself with how fucking insufferable these people are. It’s like a disgusting, obnoxious ouroboros of fandom that will worm its way through popular culture until the heat death of the universe.”
At press time, showrunners have also hinted at a future merch drop including blue hair dye, a Ramona Flowers bikini anime figure, and a gun.
With less than a month for The Game Awards, it is time to finally get deep in the heated arguments on all your favorite social media platforms. But since making people pissed online is a much harder job than it seems, we’ve compiled all the useful stuff you need to utterly defeat your online opponents. So let’s get to it!
The Date and Time
The event is going to happen on December 7th, starting at 7:30pm ET / 4:30pm PT. You can start arguing right now though!
Where to Watch
You can watch the event across all major streaming services, such as Twitch and Youtube, but remember to start posting those mean comments as soon as the event starts so you enjoy it to the fullest!
Is Will Smith Banned From the Event?
No. But Will might do anything for his dying relationship, so security has been tightened this year.
What Games Made It And What Games Didn’t
Check which games didn’t make it as those are the fans you can argue with the most. You can check the full list online and use it as a sort of targeting list for our online hate.
Was Hideo Kojima Invited?
Famous video game director Hideo Kojima was invited and he will show up, but will have to leave earlier because there is a movie he wants to watch and review.
Will The Game Awards Orchestra Return?
Yes! It was confirmed that the beloved Orchestra will be playing songs from several games that were nominated. And not play songs from several other games that people will surely complain about, so you better look forward to that.
You Can Now Sleep Through All Esports-Related Awards
An alarm will sound when all of those end so people can wake up and pretend they care about video game awards again.
He will be disguised in the event like Agent 47. Try to spot him in the crowd, because I’m sure security will be trying to do the same.
Who is the Host of the Event?
There is only a single man at fault for this entire thing, and he should be held responsible. Geoff Keighley, if you’re reading this, Minecraft Legends should absolutely be a Game of the Year nomination and I will cry if you don’t change it. Please I told all my friends that it was the best game ever, you can’t do that to me, pretty please.
No Silksong News
But there will be a Fortnite x Grubhub collab this time! Isn’t that nice?
VANCOUVER — An email containing semi-important instructions regarding a workplace social event has entered its third unread day in the inbox of lab technician Carl Frumber. Frumber, who received the email on Friday, opted to leave it unread to ensure he would not forget about its existence.
“It was a really long week of sampling and I knew that if I read the email right then I might not even remember reading it, let alone what was in it,” said Frumber of the thoughtful RSVP reminder from his coworker Jan who heads up the party planning committee. “I could see by the subject line that it’s about the holiday party which is still weeks away so I have lots of time to open it.”
Jan Harland, the email’s sender spent the weekend compiling and categorizing answers from the other 134 employees of Fraser Labs in order to ensure the annual holiday party is enjoyable for all in attendance.
“Of course the sooner I get answers the better, what with it being a very busy time of year for caterers,” said Harland. “But checking emails is a labor-intensive process. I understand that after deleting the company newsletter and forwarding a question from accounting to your supervisor, not everyone is going to have the energy left to open up a calendar app on the same phone they’re using to read the email and check if they’re free on December 17th.”
Frumber left the email unread in the hopes that the bold font of an unopened subject line would make it stand out to him on subsequent checks, thus jogging his memory. But since Friday he has received several more messages, pushing Harland’s lower down the list to a position which would require scrolling in order for it to be seen. According to Frumber, these were emails he sent to himself containing backup copies of his novel.
“As an entry-level tech, I don’t get a whole lot of emails, so my work account is a great place to back stuff up. I guess this science thing is rubbing off on my artistic side because I feel compelled to keep every version of my novel just in case I ever want to revert my edits. There’s about 20 gigs of psychological thriller stored in there.”
Harland has put her hopes into the follow up text she sent Frumber on Monday morning, for which she has received only a read receipt.
ROCKVILLE – Starfield, the first new IP Bethesda Softworks in over 20years, looks to be the game to beat in the “Most Deserving of a 7/10” category at The Game Awards.
“This is what it was all for,” Todd Howard, Starfield’s creative director, said when asked for a response to the nomination. “Starfield is our most advanced game to date, requiring more loading screens to fast travel between destinations than any other game we’ve ever produced, and an indecipherable starmap I’m sure one of our fantastic people in the modding community will fix any day now.”
Phil Spencer himself weighed in on the nomination.
“This is definitely worth the $7.5 billion we paid to acquire Bethesda,” The Xbox chief said. “With Starfield, Todd and the team at Bethesda have released a game of the totally serviceable quality our fans have come to expect from Xbox. Like Momma Spencer used to say ‘Cs get degrees!’.”
“When it comes to milking their fanbase for all they’re worth, and seeing how much they will put up with, nobody does it quite like the team at Bethesda,” Spencer added. “It’s those kind of qualities we’re hoping to impart on the rest of the studios we’ve acquired over the years.”
Pete Hines, former senior vice president of global marketing & communications who left Bethesda shortly after Starfield’s launch to become a fulltime Redfall streamer, offered his input.
“I couldn’t be more proud to have contributed to something people will be buying re-releases of for the next 10 years. Speaking of the next 10 years, I need to get back to streaming Redfall.”
Fans were sounding off on the r/Starfield subreddit to celebrate the nomination as well.
u/SkoomaKid said, “Name another studio capable of putting out such a high budget middling product. I’ll wait.”
At press time, Todd Howard was seen leading his team in a chant of. “Who are we? Bethesda! Who are we gonna beat? Sonic Superstars!”
KANSAS CITY — The city’s biggest JRPG enthusiast, Greg Motlin, has been pestering everyone he even slightly knows about what he describes as the ultimate hidden gem.
“It’s a really transformative experience. Seeing the protagonist, whose name I don’t know how to read, say goodbye to what I think is his sister but might actually be his best friend, hit me with such a whirlwind of emotions,” Motlin said during our interview. “It’s moments like this that make Inverted Fantasia Xth Symphony: Purgatory Over Death such a masterpiece.”
Motlin then showed off some gameplay and attempted to describe how the combat worked based on his time with the game as well as the in-game terms he’d run through Google Translate..
“So this green meter is your soul gauge, and that increases with every attack. Once it’s maxed out, you can activate your Hyperion Shift, where the protagonist uses the power of his half-phantasmal soul to augment his attacks with one of fourteen different damage types,” explained Motlin as he gestured wildly at the screen. “First is physical, then there’s magic, and then there’s heavy, which lowers the enemy’s defense by 27%. If you combine that with the royal damage type, you can set up this crazy combo that deals a huge chunk of damage.”
One of Motlin’s Discord friends, a user by the name of EepyDinosaur, provided their opinion on his latest recommendation.
“I mean, it looks alright,” EepyDinosaur said. “I’ve never been afraid to try out niche titles, but even I have limits. Even if we put aside the language barrier, nobody in our server has been able to get the emulation to work. Apparently he’s been playing a physical copy on a Japanese PSP, so he’s no help in that regard.”
“Besides, I’m a little busy with other niche JRPGs at the moment,” EepyDinosaur added. “Right now I’m playing this really obscure game called Shin Megami Tensei, and oh man, did you know you can turn your dog into a demon? So cool.”
Attempts were made to contact the game’s director, Takashima Yukio, for comment. However, after extensive digging through public records, Hard Drive was unable to verify if he even exists.
Have you ever been playing Kingdom Hearts and gotten bored trying to save Goofy from the dark manifestations of his past or whatever? No worries! Here’s some more games where you are almost guaranteed to have absolutely no idea what’s going on!
1) Warhammer 40k
I should probably specify a specific game here but I really don’t need to. Pick any game in the Warhammer universe at random, and I guarantee you’ll be so inundated with proper nouns within the first 20 minutes that you’re gonna feel like a Xenoid that fell into a Grolot pit (that may or may not be a Warhammer 40k reference, but you probably aren’t able to tell, and that’s kinda the point).
2) Warframe
So I’m a robot? Oh wait no, I’m a kid controlling a robot? And now there’s a future version of me here. But he’s not really future me. And there’s a creepy laughing man in a wall. And a space mom. And giant floating thumbs everywhere and… you know what I’m just gonna shoot stuff.
3) Crysis
Yes, you remember all the memes about what can and can’t run Crysis. But tell me, even if you played the series, can you remember a single memorable plot point or villain outside of the fact that North Korea exists and aliens are doing stuff? No? That’s what I thought.
4) Destiny
Hard to believe it’s been almost a decade since Destiny released and subsequently ruined every game it came into contact with by turning them into retched clones of itself. Current Destiny fans will tell you that the story has gotten better in the past few years, but the line “I don’t even have time to explain why I don’t have time to explain” has been a meme this long for a reason. You don’t get points for putting all the interesting parts of your narrative into digital playing cards.
5) Metal Gear Solid
Did you know that there are at least 4 characters in the Metal Gear Solid series named Snake? Because confiscate my gamer license, but I sure didn’t until like a week ago. I assumed Solid Snake was just like, a guy. So maybe a hyper-casual fan like myself has no place in this conversation. But still, I think you lose a bit of credibility in your narrative when you have scenes of wounded child soldiers about twenty seconds away from a genetically engineered female sniper doing sexy poses in a bikini top.
6) Resident Evil
The T virus. The G virus. Boulder punching. Great hair. The Resident Evil Series has been the gaming world’s poster child for weird convoluted plots since the first entry released in 1996, and all the tall sexy vampire ladies in the world aren’t going to change that.
7) Literally anything SWERY has ever touched
Some have called SWERY the poor man’s Kojima. I wouldn’t, because that’s rude, but I understand the reasoning. While Kokima’s brand of weird is ultimately in the service of powerful (or at least interesting) themes and ideas, SWERY’s brand of weird is just… weird. Please don’t think that by weird I mean bad, because SWERY has been responsible for some of the most strangely compelling gaming moments I’ve ever experienced. But good luck trying to pull a comprehensible narrative out of something like D4 (‘Dark Dreams Don’t Die’); a game in which the protagonist attempts to solve his wife’s murder with his only evidence being her last words: “Look for D”. There’s an obvious joke in there somewhere, go ahead and laugh at it if you can figure it out.
8)Tekken
Ok, full disclosure: I knew almost nothing about Tekken except that there’s a buff grandpa, a buff cheetah man, and a panda who I’m sure has a great personality. So I thought I might have been unfair in thinking that the series had a dumb plot just based on my initial appraisal.
Nope.
Tekken’s plot is, even by the standards of fighting games, batshit insane. To be fair though, there is a lot of charm in suplexing CEOs in order to execute quite literal hostile takeovers.
9) Balan Wonderworld
Did you know this game has a supplemental novel? Like, an actual book with words and pages and stuff? There’s a review of it on Amazon that says it is the best book the reviewer has ever read. Crazy. Anyway it’s probably bad and the game makes no sense.
10)The Quiet Man
Be honest, you’ve never played this game. You may have never even heard of it. I could write literally anything here, and you’d never know if I was being accurate. I could tell you it’s about a deaf guy punching drug dealers while fighting a manifestation of his childhood imaginary friend in order to avenge his dead mother, and you’d have no idea if I’m lying to you or not. That is, in the broadest possible terms, the actual plot; but you had no idea. And be honest with yourself, you’re not going to check.
LOS ANGELES — In an unprecedented potential crossover between the United State’s vast military might and viral TikTok dances, we have approached the CIA Predator drone circling our home to help film our “Bin Laden Dance” TikTok video, sources with their finger on the trigger and ready to do what ultimately needs to be done confirmed.
“It was just circling around and around, and we thought, ‘Hey, that’s a good angle so why not?'” said Hard Drive’s 17-year-old Jenna Marquez. “So we flashed our phone screens at it and mimed a camera. Next thing we know, it’s adjusting its angle for a better shot!”
We are proud to report that the drone seemed eager to participate once it understood the assignment, facing directly toward us as we danced.
“Sir, I have them in my sights,” the drone operator said from an undisclosed location with the tension in his voice steadily rising. “Weapons ready! Permission to engage, SIR!?”
Hard Drive’s Kevin Francis, 18, said the idea for the dance had come about after we had seen other Tiktoker’s referencing Osama bin Laden’s now-viral ‘Letter to America.”
“I personally still believe they just hate us for our freedom,” said Francis. “But man these girls are hot and if they want to collab that will do big numbers for me.”
At press time, Hard Drive’s staff was seen enthusiastically cheering on what we believed to be a red “recording on” light on the weapons system of the drone.
