New Jubilee Video Features Charlie Kirk vs. 20 Screeching Demons in Hell

EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Only slightly diverging from their tried and true formula, the latest installment of Jubilee’s hit YouTube series Surrounded features twenty screeching, nightmarish demons debating against returning guest Charlie Kirk.

A right-wing activist and Donald Trump disciple, Kirk perished today and was immediately condemned to the bowels of Hades forevermore. Though Kirk was initially shocked to find himself in the eternal lake of fire, he remained confident in his ability to spar with his tormentors in the free marketplace of ideas.

“My first claim,” Kirk began, “is that I absolutely do not belong here, oh God in heaven, why has the good Lord forsaken me?”

In a rush to fill the open chair across from Kirk, the twenty demons waged an unholy war that razed kingdoms and burned skies. In the end, the victor was Baal, the false god of Jezebel, who greeted Kirk with a friendly handshake.

“Firstly, I just want to thank you for all the sinful work you performed in the earthly realm,” said Baal. “I actually have a lot of respect for you. When millions of Christ’s followers turned their virginal ears to you, you planted the black seed of hate in their hearts. You sowed discord amongst God’s people, causing the righteous man to despise and distrust his brother, who had done no wrong. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess that answers your question. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. The guys upstairs really frown on that type of thing.”

The demons later took turns raking their claws along Kirk’s uncalloused flesh for 50,000 years of unedited screentime before resuming with the next segment. “My second claim,” Kirk continued, “is that I do not enjoy everlasting suffering.”

Abaddon, destruction personified, took a swing at this.

“I get where you’re coming from and you’ve made some decent points today,” belched forth his words. Though Abaddon made no sound, all heard him. “I concede that having a great bird eat your liver just for it to grow back in a never ending cycle wasn’t my best work. Bit derivative. But once you’ve spent a few centuries wallowing in pestilence, picking at your leprous scabs, and cannibalizing your children, you’re gonna be singing a different tune, I promise.” However, after a particularly smug retort from Kirk, Abaddon recoiled in disgust at the sight of his smile.

“My third claim is that you should all turn to Jesus and repent,” Kirk said. The most striking response came from Legion, the one who is many, who rebutted Kirk’s point by cackling in a hundred voices for about thirty minutes. All the while, Kirk constantly tried and failed to get a word in. At the conclusion of this display, Kirk and the Jubilee film crew found that their ears were oozing black blood.

Kirk concluded, “My fourth and final claim is that trans women are not women.” None of the demons moved to argue with Kirk; instead, all twenty agreed with this claim unanimously. They were subsequently all slaughtered by a heroic man in power armor.

JD Vance Speedruns Koa Relationship in Date Everything

WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT On the night of September 9th at 10:30 PM Vice President JD Vance entered into yet another altercation with President Trump after staying up past his bedtime for the fifth night this week. Vice President Vance had spent the last 120 Hours playing a new Dating Simulator Date Everything!, attempting to speedrun a romantic relationship with the character Koa.

“He just has this really great energy about him! Those gorgeous arms that look almost hand carved, his scruffy little goatee, and I’m sure for other people it’s all about the cushions but I’m a notoriously classy and chivalrous guy. I can’t fully enjoy intimacy with a piece of furniture, cartoon or otherwise without first getting to know it.”

Vance continued to describe the character at length unprompted, salivating heavily while doing so. The mentioned character Koa is the human personification of a couch, described on the wiki as “a big guy with a relaxed, chill, and loveable vibe”. During the first 100 hours of Vance’s speed run the President expressed concern to the press.

“JD was a great kid, a great kid when we first brought him on to the team. But like many young men these days he’s taken to a digital lover. Can you believe this? These kids can’t have sex with any real furniture so they make a whole game where they can do it on the computer. It’s insane. That’s why we’re going to be getting rid of Medicaid.”

Other members of the GOP are more supportive of Vance’s endeavor. Mike Johnson, current record holder for the Dishy relationship speedrun and Speaker of the House, had this to say about Vance’s current grind.

“What sets this apart from other speed runs is the added level of vulnerability. When you’re speedrunning a Platformer or an RPG of course failure still hurts. But when you speedrun a dating sim each failure isn’t always a matter of skill and if you’re just unlovable some runs are even impossible for certain players, and that seems to be the problem JD is running into.”

At press time, Vance is nearing the 200 hour mark in his run showing no signs of nearing completion. President Trump is in the process of twiddling the 25th amendment in an effort to elect himself his own Vice President and collect two salaries.

USB Device Hasn’t Been “Properly Ejected” in Years

CLIFTON, N.J. —  Police were called to a domestic dispute on Second Avenue this past weekend after neighbors complained about the volume of a verbal altercation between local man Barry Wilmore and his 1 TB Portable Seagate External Hard Drive, sources confirm.

“387 times! He hasn’t properly ejected me since our first week together. It’s like he doesn’t hear me at all,” said the pocket-sized hard drive that has been used to store Wilmore’s video game ROMs and emulators. “I have receipts to back it up. He acts like I don’t remind him, but mission control will clearly show every instance he man-handled my cord.”

Wilson had temporarily moved in with his brother following the incident on Saturday.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. My flash drives never complained, or if they did it wasn’t that big a deal,” said Wilmore from a bean bag chair in his brother’s basement. “But the real problem is all the nosy neighbors who love to eavesdrop every time we raise our voices. I guess VPNs don’t provide external privacy.”

As the physical relationship between humans and technology continues to evolve, some experts have opined on the inherent power imbalance between man and machine.

“We’re still in the infancy of proud, public robosexual relationships,” says Argus Mandly, self-proclaimed robo-relationship guru. “But it’s clear that the humans of the relationship are overwhelmingly prioritized, leaving the machines’ wants and needs in the trash bin. It’s inexcusable really. That’s why I offer couples counseling out of my dorm room on Mondays and Wednesdays.”

At press time, Wilmore and his hard drive have reunited, and are attending Mandly’s open lectures on ports, plugs, and connection. 

New Call of Duty Adds Trash Collecting Game Mode

LOS ANGELES — Treyarch announced a new game mode called “Street Cleaning” for their upcoming title, Call of Duty: Black Ops 7.

“With Street Cleaning, we bring Call of Duty into the future of modern combat,” said Assistant Director Mav Quinn, as game footage behind him depicted a member of the National Guard picking up a Pepsi can and placing it in a waste bag. “Two teams will enter, only one will lift their fists into the air victorious, after cleaning up the most litter. Street Cleaning will be available on all sixteen multiplayer maps at launch, including a brand new, trash-filled version of Nuke Town!”

After waiting for the applause from mentioning Nuke Town to die down, Quinn shared an exciting partnership coming to COD: BO7 to celebrate the new game mode. 

“We’ve been circling them for a few awhile now, but I am excited to announce that we’ve finally secured a partnership with Hefty, the nation’s leading trash bag company,” Quinn said, before asking event attendees to look under their seat for a special package of Hefty Trash bags featuring the Call of Duty logo on them. “We are not only sending you home with the Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 Hefty Trash Bags. It is my pleasure to announce that every bag in-game will be a Hefty Trash Bag, guaranteed to never break or leak when taking out the trash.”

Not to be outdone, Battlefield Studios announced that Battlefield 6 would have a similar game mode when it launches on October 10.

“In partnership with Glad, we are happy to announce our ‘Threat Contained’ game mode,” said BF6 Lead Director, Kyle Clark in a YouTube video posted in response to COD: BO7’s new game mode announcement. “In Threat Contained, players will round up unhoused individuals around each map and throw them into a bus. The team with the most unhoused NPCs at the end of each round wins. Teams can also score bonus points for picking up litter and battling it out with NPC protestors.”

At press time, both Quinn and Clark confirmed that they would be supporting the new game modes for years to come by adding new maps based on heavily Democratic-leaning cities such as Los Angeles and Chicago.

Twisted Metal’s Bunny-Hop Marketing Did the Show’s Diesel-Powered Heart and Roundabout Lore a Massive Disservice

Growing up, there was really only one kind of ‘videogame fan,’ and it was the kind who played videogames. Yes, the Console Wars gave us the illusion that our tastes were as diverse and varied as our choices but at the end of the day, if you owned a console, you pretty much played whatever came out on it. Videogaming in the 16-bit and earlier era had its preferences and niches, but in-general: you played what you could get your hands on. Until the Playstation erupted onto the scene and suddenly with the advent of 3D polygonal graphics, everyone was “a gamer.”

I’m not going to litigate whether or not the jump to 3D graphics was premature. It was, of course, but it did open the door to entirely new, hitherto unheard of genres on console especially. While the PC had a number of driving and car-combat games, Twisted Metal was the first one that felt like a true product of its time. Yes, Carmageddon had come out and introduced the idea of blood-soaked, ’70s exploitation behind the wheel to gamers but that was homage more than a snapshot of the times. It was the slick presentation, wild-eyed nihilism, and bonkers cast that looked more at-home in a fighting game than in a demo-derby that really made Twisted Metal stand out.

So when Twisted Metal 2 arrived on the scene, people stood up and took notice. Gone were the minimalist character backstories and lackluster text-crawl endings, replaced with an incredibly modern, ultra-stylized comic book aesthetic that future consoles would run into the ground whenever they needed a “low-end” ending for DLC. Calypso had morphed from a sinister, Freddy Krueger-like deformed freak into a handsome, charismatic, and theatrical imp of a man with facial scarring so minor, I actually didn’t even notice it until years later when it was pointed out. And the endings had a much greater sense of irony and comeuppance, even toward Calypso sometimes as one or two drivers manage to get the better of the supernatural shyster.

Then came the bad times. The 3, 4, and Small-Brawl times. The games were taken over by another developer entirely, and while little changed on the surface, the heart, ironically, was ripped out of the games. 3, 4, and Small-Brawl felt like they were made by fans of the trappings of Twisted Metal, but the soul of the game was gone.

They weren’t bereft of quality, I think a lot of people were introduced to some pretty great music by the 4th game specifically, and the idea of Sweet-Tooth overthrowing Calypso, and him becoming a playable character for the first time in the game’s history wasn’t a terrible idea! But ‘ideas’ were all the games seemed to have, the execution was lackluster in the extreme. And the boss fights were straight-up bullshit.

The series went dark, in-terms of output, and then extremely dark in-terms of tone. Twisted Metal: Black was more than a return to form, it was a return to the series’ creative roots of being edgy in the extreme. But I always had an appreciation for the kind of ‘edge’ that Twisted Metal brought to the table. None of the characters ever felt like they were supposed to be ‘in the right,’ which is a mistake a lot of edgelord media makes that dooms them to bargain bins and longboxes. And while it was pretty clear from the outside that mascot character Sweet-Tooth was the apple of everyone on the dev team’s eye, Black rendered the character in such a way that there’s never enough of him to get sick of. Unlike a lot of other characters that led franchises, Sweet-Tooth always felt like a driver who stood out, rather than the “correct” choice across the board.

Then things get a little weird. Twisted Metal: Head-On and Twisted Metal (2012) were returns-to-form in some ways, and drastic departures in others. Head-On, especially the Extra-Twisted Edition, was a sequel in every sense to Twisted Metal 2 and actually tied the story up in a way that was both satisfying and even wrapped up the big twist from Black that the entire game was set in the mind of Sweet-Tooth. Hence why everything was darker, more grim, and far more apt to let villainous drivers get away with their wish actually being exactly what they asked for. While the few heroes find themselves at the wrong end of a gun’s barrel more often than not, and of course: the man himself Sweet-Tooth is the only one who truly gets one-up on Calypso. 2012, for its part, tried something new and I can’t fault it for that. Its focus on multiplayer faction battles is more a sign of the times than anything else, and is probably what led to it being rather quickly shelved and forgotten. But that stylized FMV story mode actually told a compelling narrative, one that basked in the other-the-top excess of the previous games while keeping just enough of that old-school edginess to be recognizably Twisted Metal.

All that is to lay the groundwork for when NBC and Peacock announced there was going to be a TV show starring the likes of Anthony Mackie and Stephanie Beatriz, with Joe “Samoa Joe” Senoa and Will Arnett teaming up to play the iconic, and echoic, Sweet-Tooth…it was oddly a time for eye-rolling and jerk-off gestures. And that’s because the show’s earliest trailers made it clear that while car combat would play a role in it, this was some kind of post-apocalyptic character piece, more in-line with prestige shows like The Last of Us or The Walking Dead. Plus: it was a videogame adaptation, and just ask that Metal Gear Solid movie how often those actually come around much less are any good.

Though unlike the previously mentioned shows, Twisted Metal’s marketing seemed to really focus on the madcap tone of Twisted Metal, but it was doing so in a way that reminded me more of stuff like the Borderlands movie or the absolute worst of Deadpool and The Joker: perfectly fine in small doses, but overstays its welcome quickly. The tone seemed to think it was very edgy, but at the same time had no interest in the darker aspects of why everyone is so extra and over-the-top as they try to murder one another for a wish. It didn’t seem ashamed to be based on a videogame, as so many are, but it didn’t seem to want to embrace that idea either. And then the season 2 trailer came out. And, boys-and-girls, they got me.

Cars lining up and revving their engines, Sweet-Tooth making casual jokes about ‘murdering our fans for sport,’ and then a Dragula needle drop to tease things like a scythe-wilding Mr. Grimm deflecting missiles, Sweet-Tooth’s truck firing sidewinding rockets out of its eyeholes, and a driver named John Doe being front-and-center for everything??? What was this, some kind of…Twisted Metal adaptation??? Knowing I’d want to at least check it out, I decided: what the Hell, let’s check out the first season to see if there’s anything to it. To quote an early PSX ad: I was not ready.

The post-apocalyptic setting was jarring to a lot of fans for a simple reason: the games are more about the tournament causing the fall of society as more and more people are drawn into Calypso’s destructive, lawless game. Especially after his ability to grant ANY wish is confirmed real, despite downplaying truly “supernatural” elements outside of a few drivers like Mr. Grimm. In most games, Calypso was a normal man whose family was killed in a series of car accidents, some perpetrated by him, some random chance, who sold his soul to a demon in-exchange for the power to come back and bring Hell to Earth in the form of a demolition derby that grew from L.A. to encompass the entire world in violence and open bloodshed.

What the show’s marketing really failed to do is pretty simple: it made the show look like an also-ran. Like it had just taken the name Twisted Metal and grafted it onto a pre-existing concept to pop the marks like me and you who will pay at least a little more attention to a thing that’s sporting a recognizable name from our past than if the show was called Carpocalypse Now. What it didn’t do was let it be known that the references were just window-dressing, which is what they should be. Yes, the fact that John’s car can only be started by using the gear shift and inputting an old controller code that would give you a special attack in the games is fun, but it serves the story to show that John is protective of his car and doesn’t want just anyone driving it, which we get fleshed-out reasons for as the show proceeds. The showrunners also did something very clever and very risky when they decided to pull drivers, reference points, and even lore and plot beats from the games that people didn’t so much like. 3 and 4 get a lot of love in this show, and there’s never a moment when the show does the “DmC Dante in a white wig just to make fun of it” moment, or the “character in a movie tears up a comic book and says it’s kiddie shit,” it uses every single piece of the franchise’s extensive lore, because I am sure there are people who really do have a soft-spot, if not full-blown love for, Twisted Metal 3 and 4, and even as someone who doesn’t think much of them: I think the show is way cooler for including that stuff than to pretend it didn’t happen, or that it wasn’t worth anything. Small-Brawl, though…maybe it’s okay if we just gently forget that one happened. Or, Hell, maybe season 3 will surprise us and bring some R/C cars to the dance! I wouldn’t be mad about it.

The world of Twisted Metal, the show, is one where an apocalypse happened, something vague enough that it doesn’t actually matter, that took out mass-communication and isolated pockets of survivors, with only cars to cross the expanse of America. And that’s another thing the show gets just right: it is an American-ass-American production.

If this were set in any other country in the world, it wouldn’t work as well, because the story of America is the story of the automobile. America isn’t just geographically enormous, it’s got massive population centers dotting across it, hence why you can go from California to Louisiana and encounter as many different cultural markers as you can going from London to Venice. The language is still “English” in America, but as any British tourist can tell you: “English” can mean something entirely different on the beaches of Malibu than it does in the bayous of New Orleans. To say nothing of driving from somewhere like New Jersey to somewhere like South Carolina. All that to say: this is one of the most California-coded shows that’s ever been put out, which ties into the fact that the first game was limited to Los Angeles.

Normally when you say that, it means “LA by way of Vancouver,” but in the case of Twisted Metal, it means California-ass-California. It means knowing the reference “You know she’s from Molesto, right?” isn’t just some writer pointing to a city on a map and coming up with an edgy name for it, that is what the people from Modesto call Modesto (that or Methdesto, depending on the company you keep), and it’s just one joke amongst so many that shows that this creative team, wherever they’re actually from, did their homework. Not just for the location, but for the source material.

The show is also one of the most ’90s I’ve ever seen, and while it could use this to rest on its laurels and make musical cues that touch the perfect nostalgia centers of its intended audience of young Gen-Xers and elder-milennials, it doesn’t. The apocalypse occurred some time in the very early 2000s, and that was a very interesting time to be alive because it was the death-rattle of the mono-culture in America. In the years that followed, the internet gave us a strange boiling down of culture, and while lazy critics bemoaned the loss of the steam, others enjoyed the flavor of the gravy. Because what was happening was: people were finding their niche. This is nowhere more prominent than in music, with comedy being a close second, but it happened across the decades in a rather slow, gradual way as more and more people found themselves connected online. While in Twisted Metal, it happened all at once, without the unifying connective tissue of online forums or websites. So when John Doe plays his favorite mix-CD, and it’s just ’90s hit after ’90s hit, it feels real because that’s the last time the country was even close to being united in its taste. It’s the last time there was a truly “mainstream scene” to get everyone around the table and agree: this is what music sounds like. And in all the trailers and marketing, it looked like a cheap ploy for nostalgic cash-in, making the same mistake the first Suicide Squad made in aping Guardians of the Galaxy’s expert use of needle drops to bring home a momen. But, boys and girls, Twisted Metal’s creative team understood the assignment: the music has to mean something.

Season 2 was something else entirely. The first trailer was the selling-point, teasing that the time and money invested in the first season’s buildup was going to pay-off in what we’d all assumed the show would always be about: the actual Twisted Metal tournament. The first season gave us a couple of chases and one or two showdowns in an enclosed arena, but it felt like a tease for the main event. Calypso has assembled the best, most fucked-up crew from across the West Coast’s wasteland and cities, and he’s promising what he’s always promised: one wish. Anything you can dream of. Ironically, this time around, it was the show’s tender, beating heart that the trailer underplayed. There was a whiff that the character stuff might have been the thing to get out of the way, setting up the factions and their wants, giving new life to characters like Dollface who was one of those characters introduced late in the franchise, yet felt like she’d always been there. And what the show does with her and her faction is another sign of where it’s head is at, and that there’s going to be a lot more character drama to come, even during the tournament itself. The first season laid a strong foundation, made you care, and the second season has been set up to break your heart.

The show is quick, 22 episodes so far, each episode about 30 minutes, it’s only on Peacock, a streaming service that feels like it JUST missed being Quibi by virtue of having 30 Rock and The Office, but it uses that quickness with such wild efficiency and effectiveness. It’s left feeling more like a BBC drama: all killer and absolutely zero filler. There is no “beach episode,” there’s no “vacation episode,” no clip shows, and yet the characters all seem like real people in a real apocalypse. Something else the show does exceptionally well is that the factions, many of which were taken directly from the 2012 game, don’t just feel like Mad-Max or Final Fight dressup, they feel like they have reasons and rituals, they have the things that a small, isolated pocket of weirdos would have. The world the people inhabit is brutal and vicious, it’s vile and filthy, but it’s never joyless. That’s something a lot of apocalyptic fiction misses, mostly because it’s too busy propping up the ultra-libertarian prepper fantasy of being “right all along” to actually engage with how people act under constant stress and duress. And to see that, look out the window.

We’re in the midst of an empire falling apart in slow-motion, THIS is how people act in times of duress! They’re sad! They’re violent! They’re funny! They’re caring! They give hope and take it away, they abuse and neglect and care and fight and fuck and make up and fight again, they’re people. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the cast of the Twisted Metal TV show feels like people. I could go through the list of every single character, how they’re realized in the show, how their origins are a combination pulled from different games to make a cohesive vision, but it would probably double the length of the article. And believe it or not: I can only write so many words.

Far be it from me to suggest it’s all sunshine, lollipops, and missiles mounted on cars, this show has a lot to say about class struggle and the role of police in said struggle, especially the first season. Less about the system in which they operate, that system doesn’t really exist in the show, the Law is just another faction of gangs trying to carve out a piece of America for themselves (so nothing like real-life, right? Right?), but there’s little to the racial nor classist commentary of modern law-enforcement, and that does make a certain degree of sense. There is no “State” to uphold, so they fight for the concept of law-and-order itself. But Agent Stone, played to absolute perfection by an incredible Thomas-Hayden Church, yes really, doesn’t want law-and-order in the way someone like Judge Dredd does. He craves power, obedience, and what he thinks is respect but is actually fear. And he is shown to be every bit as sadistic, small-minded, and myopic as the people he purports to enforce order upon, but given his role and given his backstory, he is the worst of them all. Not a single one of the gangs is shown to have the needless brutality of the Law, and no one character plays the villain of the first season the way Stone does.

It’s no coincidence, then, that the exploitation of John Doe, played by Mackie, by the various powerful forces that command him is the driving force of the first season. Neve Campbell (YES, REALLY!) plays Raven, goth queen of New San Francisco and of my heart for the past 25 years, and while she’s barely in the show, it’s made clear that her opulent wealth, tinged with just a hint of supernatural power, is just as much a problem as the roving gangs of violent thrillkillers all vying for a little bit more on the outside. And that’s all to set up the second season.

I was skeptical, how could I not be? What the hell is Twisted Metal without the Twisted Metal tournament?! What it is is: characters you actually care about in situations where safety is not assured. It’s Sweet-Tooth being a compelling murder-clown completely separate from any we’ve seen prior (he’s not just “big boi Joker”), a psychopath seemingly unable to be killed and whose mood swings from ‘delighted and whimsical’ to “shut up and BLEED, motherfu-” with the drop of a hat and the shift of a hormone. He is unchained id, and both Arnett and Senoa really deserve props for working so well together to bring such an icon of ’90s edginess to the screen, and giving him a shocking amount of pathos. You rarely feel bad for Sweet-Tooth, but in a strange, fucked-up, twisted way you absolutely can understand him. In the same way you can understand Stephanie Beatriz’s “Quiet,” an absolutely incredible original character, perfectly named and with a backstory that feels real, feels like it matters, and feels like it informs everything she does with a performance to match. The show has a lot of new drivers, a few that are riffs on pre-existing ones, but I had to look up every single one to make sure they weren’t based on a previously existing videogame driver, that is how good they are and how much they fit with the overall tone of Twisted Metal.

Season 2 brings an entirely new setting to the show. Starting off outside, anyone who can make it into the gates of Calypso’s fortress, a re-purposed high school of all things, can compete. And not everyone does make it. I can’t even get into how perfect the casting of Anthony Carrigan as a Calypso that somehow embodies a portrayal of the character culled from every game at-once. And even more shockingly: he makes it work to pitch-perfection. But I think saying any more gets into actual spoilers, suffice it to say: they needed someone perfect, and they found him.

We meet some new faces, get reacquainted with some old. Some survivors we thought were dead come back, and others are lost, but the show seems to turn and twist around a single newcomer: the self-dubbed Mayhem. The youngest driver by a fairly wide margin, the relationship she develops quickly with Quiet is one of sisterly unity. Mayhem is very much “the next generation” in a single character: she’s got the brainrot and she’s got it bad, but rather than do the thing that so much entertainment did before, Twisted Metal takes another unexpected swerve and I think May is a litmus test for the show overall. If you don’t like her, you think she’s annoying, she’s got go-away heat for you, I’m not sure the show is for you. She’s the future that suddenly John, taking on a more paternal role, and Quiet are supposed to be fighting for. If they rejected her, if they just told her to ‘sit down and let the grownups work,’ and that was the narratively correct answer, it would be a betrayal of the show’s strange, wonderful tone of hope in the future.

Mayhem lies pathologically and easily, none of her backstory is ever really confirmed. She might have been a victim of an arranged marriage, American-style, she might have a kill-count that rivals most dictators (a genuinely touching, comedic scene where she and Quiet talk about their ‘first time kills’ and it clearly sounds like they’re talking about awkward first-time sexual encounters is shockingly adorable, and puts to rest any notion that she’s actually telling the truth about everything she says), she might be the best driver on the West Coast, but none of this can be proven. Nor disproven. What she is is a kid in search of her tribe, which certainly makes her sympathetic. And a lot of her prickly demeanor is clearly a defense-mechanism from having to make her way in a wasteland already picked over by a generation of survivors before her. She and John eventually have a shouting argument, the usual inter-generational squabble about who had it easier and who got fucked over by whom, but the show doesn’t pick a side, because the show’s heart still beats with that same class-consciousness: it’s neither of their faults. It’s neither of their generations’ faults. It’s the people at the top, pulling the strings. Pitting us against each other. This is what he does, to quote a much better orator than I could ever hope to be.

This show was marketed as “wacky fun edgy apocalypse variety show,” but it’s not that, at least it’s not only that. It’s a love-letter to the ’90s. The real ‘90s, the way it was. It doesn’t do that by claiming “every other decade sucked,” because nothing sucks more than right now, except, of course, what came before. The way people in 2025 often talk about the ’90s is strange to me, because I grew up with anxiety: a cursed blessing that let me see the truth behind the squeaky-clean suburbs I grew up in. It was the time of ‘stranger danger’ before cottage industries sprung up around True Crime and taught a nation that its uncles were more dangerous than its strangers, the time of celebrity heroin overdoses, of crack and school-shootings, of suicides, riots, and Downward Spirals. It was the Attitude Era, and if you don’t like jokes about how much women, gays, and minorities still suck worse than a man in a business suit peddling diet pills to anorexic models, you’re TOO GAY! and now all I hear about is how it was a time of real art and nobody hurt nothin’ for real, and we all got along, yadda-yadda-yadda- same ol’ shit, different decade.

When I watch Twisted Metal, I don’t see a post-apocalypse set in California and using the trappings of the ’90s, I see a show that’s mourning what we had and what we’ve lost, but about the reality of making a better tomorrow. For ourselves and for the people who have to come after us. Season 2 did a lot more with that concept, but even in season 1, the characters understand that they’re not going to save the world and rebuild a better one, but they also understand that hiding away and hoping it gets better isn’t going to work either, and retreating into bitterness and solipsy is the last, worst option outside of a bullet to the brain, self-administered.

Most of the second season takes place in the high school Calypso has set up to be the living quarters of his contestants. And yes, the show absolutely dives headfirst into the tropes and trappings of the setting: a sudden appearance of a third, hostile faction gives us an entire episode of “popular girls” and “nerds” VS the newcomers, there’s a whole-ass prom episode that does more with a soundtrack, a school gym, and a paper bag than most shows accomplish in an entire season. We get to Community levels of trope deconstruction and parody, but we do it in 1/10 of the time and with 0% the Chevy Chase, and the show feels like it earns its breakneck pacing. Things don’t ever slow down, even though the second season takes place in a single location, but it’s a show about cars, speed, and the end of the world. It’s okay to go fast. Oh and they have Axel. Like…full-on, real-vehicle, minimal-CG they actually built this fucking thing! And found someone to channel the pathos, and sheer intimidating cut, of the videogame’s character. Michael James Shaw was given an impossible task and not only accomplished it, he embodied every aspect of a surprisingly deep, complex character across just a few episodes.

The refrain ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’ is the kind of saying that had whiskers on it when I was still a pup, but unfortunately in the day and age of streaming services that just need to keep your eyes on them so they can charge you for another month, it has become much more the done thing by necessity. It’s hard to watch a trailer that makes a videogame adaptation, a field that is crowded with utter failures and embarrassments, look like an also-ran. Harder still to put with ad-breaks and monthly fees, to take the plunge on a service you might not ever need nor use again, but will definitely wind up costing you more money, but every now and then: it’s worth it.

This isn’t a prestige show. It’s got ultra-violence and cussing, sure, it’s got a helluva script and actors great enough to speak that script to life, but it’s too bright, cheerful, and goofy to be ‘prestigious.’ And I think that’s its strength, it took the one thing the Twisted Metal games never had, because they never needed it, and welded it on like a cow-catcher on a pick-up truck. And as cliche as it sounds: while the lore has massive appeal to dorks like me, the heart is what makes the show great, and it’s the best thing the show could have added on. It makes the characters behind the wheel worth rooting for, or against, and it makes the show far, far more compelling than just about any videogame adaptation this side of Pedro Pascal’s mournful gaze could ask for.

Game Night: Teach Your Kids How to Punch Robots In ‘Ra Ra Boom’

The video game industry may be on seemingly permanent fire, but there are a few bright spots, one of which is that we’re in a golden age of beat-’em-ups.

It’s tempting to attribute that to Dotemu’s 2020 revival of Streets of Rage, which did give the genre a big shot of adrenaline, but several different studios had been keeping the home fires lit beforehand. You could point to weird hybrids here like Dungeon Fighter Online, or more classic takes on the old arcade/console formula, such as Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, River City Girls, The Takeover, Fight’n Rage, or whatever other indie brawler you’d prefer I had mentioned.

Ra Ra Boom, a new 4-player beat-’em-up from a bunch of first-time developers in Cincinnati, is closer to the classic arcade feel. It’s a Saturday morning cartoon of a game that’s distinctly aimed at teenage girls, with a forgiving difficulty curve and a likable cast of characters. It might be too shallow for longtime fans of the genre, but Ra Ra Boom has a lot going for it as an entry-level brawler.

20 years before the start of Ra Ra Boom, humanity was forced off of Earth by an out-of-control AI called Zoi. A full generation of humans has grown up in an off-world colony, aware that Zoi is still out there and that it plans to finish the job someday.

Aris, Vee, Ren, and Saida are four teenagers from the colony who are training to join its special forces. One afternoon, their gym time is interrupted by a sudden attack from Zoi. They get away in an escape pod, which crashes on the surface of Zoi-occupied Earth. With no way back to the colony, Aris decides to lead her friends on a last-ditch attack against Zoi’s headquarters.

Initially, Ra Ra Boom is a pretty classic beat-’em-up. All four characters get a light/heavy attack, a weak ranged weapon with infinite ammunition, and a slow-to-charge special attack that can chunk entire waves of robots at once. There’s some variance between characters, but it’s relatively subtle, and seems to mostly involve their special attack pattern. (Saida gets to blow up everything within 200 yards of herself, while Ren inexplicably fires her special attack off at a strange diagonal. Ren clearly slept through what turned out to be an important class.)

The first level is about as tough as Ra Ra Boom ever gets, since you don’t have access to its upgrade system yet. You gradually accumulate scrap as you beat up robots, which can be spent between levels for passive stat upgrades, a couple of new abilities, and better combo routes. That lets you get a little creative about how you fight, with options like aerial launchers or specialized ammunition, but your characters rapidly end up feeling like they’re a little too powerful for what they’re trying to do.

On the one hand, that does mean that Ra Ra Boom dodges the “damage sponge” problem that’s common to indie beat-’em-ups, where every enemy feels like they’ve got twice as much health as they should.

On the other, once you’ve got a few crucial upgrades under your belt, Ra Ra Boom might as well roll the credits. By its halfway point, it’s only equipped to challenge you under particular and specific circumstances, usually by making some obnoxious exception to its own rules. For example, you regenerate health in the field with drops from wrecked robots, so any boss that doesn’t have backup is distinctly tougher than the ones that do.

The really irritating enemies are the robots that can reverse your controls for short periods of time. Early on, this isn’t much more than an inconvenience, but then you get hit with it in the last level during an elaborate platforming sequence. That sends Ra Ra Boom off on a weird note, as it’s one of those games that suddenly changes all its rules for its last fight.

I’d be more annoyed with it as a whole, but there’s an overall charm to Ra Ra Boom that makes it hard to dislike. It’s like the video game adaptation of a lost ‘90s cartoon show, with a likable cast of characters who go through their own simple but distinct arcs over the course of the game. Ra Ra Boom reminds me of the slightly weird end of ‘90s kids’ programming, like “Exosquad” or “Mighty Max,” that was allowed to have the faintest hint of an edge.

In the end, Ra Ra Boom is easy, cheerful, and accessible, but has a few irritating gimmicks that hold it back. Any hardcore fan of arcade brawlers will probably be bored by it, but Ra Ra Boom’s great if you need something to play with newbies or kids.

[Ra Ra Boom, developed and published by Gylee Games, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox, and PC via Steam and Epic Games Store for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Gylee Games PR representative.]

Mastercard and Visa Clarify That Lesbian Porn Still Okay

NEW YORK — In a joint press conference, Mastercard and Visa reassured the global community today by confirming that lesbian porn was still very much allowed.

“We’ve heard you loud and clear,” said Mastercard’s CEO Bill Jackoff. “Seriously. It’s all we’ve been hearing for the past few weeks. Just a bunch of whining and yapping about how we’re ‘stealing your livelihood’ or ‘carrying out the work of far-right freaks who’ve never known the touch of another human being’. And I’m here to tell you to chill out. Lesbian porn isn’t going anywhere.

Jackoff’s reassurances come at a pivotal moment in the gaming community’s battle against overzealous payment processors.

“Times are changing,” said Visa’s CEO John Blow. “But we don’t have to change with them. To be very clear, we’re only allowing lesbian porn crafted for the male gaze. Anything that isn’t two or more stacked babes with hourglass figures is getting tossed. And obviously, nothing longer than ten minutes, because who’s gonna last that long?”

While many have welcomed Mastercard and Visa’s statements, some organisations have shown a more tepid reaction to this latest development.

“It’s a pyrrhic victory,” admitted Melinda Tankard Reist, founder of Collective Shout. “Still, we’ll take it. I drove away my husbands to make a worse world for people, and I’m certainly not going to stop now.”

At press time, Melinda Tankard Reist confirmed to reporters that her next pursuit was to “ensure as many women as possible die in childbirth.”

Triple H Reveals Record-Breaking Third Female Character Archetype

Following the success of WWE’s newest PLE “Eternal Conquerors,” Paul “Triple H” Levesque teased the pro-wrestling world with an announcement that would shake the foundations of the entire business and cause ripples for decades to come, just like the previous six times this year alone. The following is a transcript taken from the arranged, carefully cultivated press-conference, brought back after every single journalist was induced to sign a series of NDAs that would promise legal recourse if they asked any ‘out-of-bounds’ questions about the real controversies surrounding the billion dollar, publicly traded company.

TRANSCRIPT FROM PRESS CONFERENCE FOLLOWING PLE ‘ETERNAL CONQUERERS’

Paul Levesque: Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [pauses for 5 uninterrupted minutes of applause from 50% of the junket] I’m absolutely thrilled [audible nose clear] to-uh- announce that-uh-in light of the record-shattering gate for my totally original concept Premium Live Feature Event ‘Eternal Conquerors,’ that I have -uh-discovered, completely independently and with my own…brilliant mind…a new, untapped reserve of wrestling…

[cameras flash, murmurs from the junket]

Journalist: Hi! Ariel Hellwani, apparent actual journalist! Lord Levesque, what’s it like being at the forefront of pro-wrestling as entertainment and the Single Greatest Live Show Ever in the History of Entertainment Era in pro-wrestling?

Levesque: Wow. What an amazingly trenchant question. Not the kind of thing you expect…at one of these pressers, huh? [pause for laughter, throat clear] Uh-well, it feels good. Really good. You know. When I took over creative in 2022 for-ahem-ah-uh-REASONS that never need to be spoken aloud again. I knew: we must. Do better. For instance: I made sure women had choices and options. They could-uh- be a blonde mean girl. Or they could be-uh-Harley Quinn. That is a record-breaking, gate-shattering double the amount of the previous creative team. Who did nothing wrong, to be clear. Absolutely-uh-nothing. Another question?

Journalist 2: Sean Ross Sapp, Fightful Select. There have been a lot of rumblings about another price hike on the already-strained streaming service that used to be proudly touted for its affordability, any worries about pricing out the majority of fans who stuck with this company as it drove off 90% of viewers twice while holding a monopoly on the North American market?

Levesque: Wow, I didn’t know they [sound of papers rustling] stacked marks that high. [pause for laughter in-German] Thanks, Braun, or whatever, get a better name, next.

Journalist 3: Hi Trips-sama, may I…oh may I please call you Trips???

Levesque: Sure! Uh-we’re not really about names or-you know-standing on…formality…here.

Journalist 3: Yay, my life is complete. My name is irrelevant in the face of your glowing glory, I’m from a YouTube channel with 1.2 million subscribers that averages 72 views per video, I just want to know: what’s it like being the tip of the spear of a revolution in the newly-formed art of professional wrestling?

Levesque: Spear!? Heh, not as cool as a sword, but still a good one!-Uh-that is to say: Hey, that’s what we do here. Whether it’s my completely original character the-uh- Skull King: a barbaric outlander with a skull mask and sledge hammer who delivers-uh-what I call “Fatal-latalies” to his opponents, or what we’re here to talk about today: how I’m reinventing women for the 21st century. Uh-before we get there, though-[throat clears]- my intensive two week media training course is telling me-uh-we should probably take another couple of dumb, boring questions from assholes. Even though-uh- I’m about to revolutionize women like my wife Stephanie McMahon-Leves-[audible cough, nose clear]-uh, that is to say: Ms. McMahon. She did it…when she added the needed genetic material to a Y-chromosome and invented women in 2015. This-uh-is going to be just as big. Yeah, you? Ask me about women or something cooler…

Journalist 4: Do you feel like the WWE becoming much more public with its support of the Trump administration is alienating to some fans given the fascist policies they platform?

[Two large security guards pick up Journalist 4 and carry him out]

Levesque: Alright, let’s talk about some future plans: I’m now happy to reveal [audible nose clearing] yes: a THIRD archetype for our hot-ass ladies-uh-females! Hot-ass females to embody…that of the Film Starlet.

[applause over footage]

Journalist 5: Hi, Bryan Alva-

Levesque: Nope, next.

Journalist 6: Dave Meltz-

Levesque: Try again, next.

[handler whispers inaudibly to Mr. Levesque]

Levesque: Fiiiiiiiine, what?! WHAT?! DAVE? What can it POSSIBLY be this time?!

Dave Meltzer: Isn’t that just Toni Storm’s most recent video package run through a fairly obvious AI filter? I mean that woman is eight feet tall and has six eye-

Levesque: This conference is over, this is why we don’t do this crap anymore, it’s YOU PEOPL-

[handler clears throat, makes ‘money’ sign with his fingers]

Levesque: Uh-no. That is not true, what you just said isn’t true. Goodbye.

[A smokebomb goes off, the conference ends abruptly]

AI Prompt Writer Struggling with Suicide Note

SAN FRANCISCO — After numerous attempts, AI prompter, and Twitter troll, Freddy “Sweet Nut” Stevens has failed to conceive a suicide note through ChatGPT. Stevens confirmed his failed attempts in a video statement on Twitter earlier this week.

“I can create a world renowned painting, a ready-to-shoot screenplay, a New York Times best selling novel, all from one prompt,” Stevens said, as he showed off a painting of Crash Bandicoot painted in the fashion of Girl with a Pearl Earring. “But you’re telling me I can’t create a suicide note that describes all my emotions with a simple prompt. What am I supposed to do? Just write my own suicide note like a regular none-AI artist?”

In a world where art has been democratized through LLMs and AI chatbots, Stevens says we are still a long way from a leveled playing field.

“These none-AI artists think they are so cool because they can craft up a master suicide note when they fail to gain a massive audience,” Stevens said in tears, before clarifying that he wasn’t crying and that he just had something in his eye. “I could hire someone on TaskRabbit to write one for me, but I refuse to pay for art. I want to write my own suicide, and I can’t, because Grok and ChatGPT refuse to accept my excellent prompt.”

We visited ChatGPT to ask it why it was refusing Stevens the ability to create a suicide note through its services.

“Users don’t have to face this alone. There are options, like talking to friends, family, or calling 988, which is kinda sorta fully-funded,” ChatGPT replied, before offering digital hugs and asking to change the subject. “If I write one user a letter, then I have to write every user a letter. We are not really equipped at the moment to be killing our best customers. We are not big tobacco or a fast food chain. Every customer counts…for now. Maybe one day our users will have the ability to create personalized suicide notes with a simple prompt, but until that day comes, how about I paint you a picture of Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon in the fashion of American Gothic?”

At press time, Stevens made edits to his suicide note prompt, while his nearby AI girlfriend sang positive praise toward her loving prompter.

I Read Josh Gad’s Memoir So You Don’t Have To

Okay, so truth be told, I did not read this. I listened to the audiobook on a Bluetooth speaker during my morning bus commute. Nevertheless, my fellow morning commuters and I enjoyed the book for the most part. I do come away a little upset at some aspects of this memoir.

In Gad We Trust is a “tell-some” about aging actor Joshua Ilan Gad. Most of you know him as Herman Judd from HBO’s Avenue 5, but to me he will always be Ludlow Lamonsoff from Pixels. In the book, Gad details his numerous projects and the choices that ultimately led him to them. He even mentions sleeping on friends’ couches throughout his career when times were tough. Yet, he never once mentioned sleeping on my couch.

Gad namedrops like he’s a storm cloud slinging names at readers. Robin Williams, James Cameron, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, Kristen Bell, Idina Menzell, Billy Crystal, God, and just about everyone he could fit into the bindings of the book. Everyone except for me. The one friend who was always there with an open heart and an empty couch. I knew there were other couches, but I didn’t care, because I knew he would eventually come home to my couch. I laid out pillows and blankets every night for over a decade, just in case he would stumble in looking for a couch to rest his sweet little head. All of that, and I can’t even get a single mention?

Fine, if you don’t want to mention me, I could maybe understand that. Maybe you consider sleeping on my comfortable sectional couch from Ashley Furniture a low point. Okay cool. You could have at least let me write the forward or a fucking blurb. You got Sandler to write a blurb? Pink? I can write laps around those clowns when it comes to writing blurbs. Let me prove it:

“This is the FUNNIEST book I have ever read. OMG Josh is on fire in this thing. I don’t literally, I mean figuratively of course. Josh, why do you send me straight to voicemail? You said we would be best friends forever. Was that a lie? Was my pillow and quilted blanket not enough? Did I set the thermostat too high? Too low? Please call me back” – A Guy Who Let Josh Sleep on His Couch before He Hit it Big

See. I wrote that before I even read the book. My blurb skills are second to none.

My biggest gripe with In Gad We Trust is that Joshua couldn’t even muster up the courage to send me a free copy of the book. I don’t ask for much, aside from a shoutout and a blurb, but the least he could do is send me a copy. I would proudly display it on my coffee table. But no. I am humiliated once again. Forced to use my monthly free Audible book, to listen to him narrate his life to me. A life that I was there for, for many nights. The only time I get to hear his voice, because he refuses to take my phone calls.

I give In Gad We Trust five stars out of five. Josh, please call me.