WASHINGTON — President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm.
“The Epstein files, which are a Democrat HOAX, have been destroyed at the direction of several wonderful payment processors, including Mastercard and Visa,” President Trump declared on his Truth social network. “They’re saying there was bad stuff in the files, nasty stuff, probably about the Clintons and the Biden Crime Family. You wouldn’t want to see it. We are forever grateful to these GREAT American companies for finally putting an end to this distraction so we can focus on important things, like making up our own economic data and deploying the military against our citizens. Every American should open a credit account with Mastercard to show their appreciation. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
The administration quickly clarified the president’s comments.
“President Trump would like nothing more than to release these files, which would totally exonerate him,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond the administration’s control, we were forced to destroy any and all material related to Jeffrey Epstein. They have found references to illegal sexual content within these files, and have justifiably requested that it be obliterated. America is lucky to have a president who respects the will of our country’s payment processors, who are quite literally the financial backbone of this nation. So unless you want to pay even more at the grocery store, then yeah, we’re going to take their opinion seriously.”
Mastercard issued a soft denial that they were directly responsible for the deletion of the files.
“Mastercard has not evaluated any documents or blocked the release of any files regarding human trafficking, contrary to media reports and allegations,” said Mastercard spokesperson Daniel McMahon in a statement on X. “Our payment network follows standards based on a cowardly form of conservatism. Put simply, our actions are dictated by what we believe puts us least at risk. We listen to religious nutjobs over gamers because we’re more scared of the nutjobs, and we certainly won’t push back too hard against a nascent authoritarian who is blaming us for a scandal that has been dogging him. Either he comes fully into power and appreciates us taking the hit for him, or Democrats manage to regain the presidency and do absolutely nothing to punish us for being snivelling collaborators. There’s no downside.”
At press time, President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had identified potentially offensive portions of the United States Constitution, which he said would be flagged for, “immediate removal.”
Perhaps it’s time for Hollow Knight fans to look inward, and ask yourselves the questions that really matter: What have you done to deserve a Silksong update? And what are you willing to do for it?
It’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and reflect on your past actions. What has your endless whining and complaining about the length of time the sequel to Hollow Knight is taking done for the greater good of humanity? In what ways have your Reddit posts and Youtube comments about your hatred toward Team Cherry been beneficial in internet discourse?
From my perspective, your attitude during this pre-Silksong era has been inexcusable. Think about the game devs whose moment gets stolen during a Nintendo Direct by “Silksong!?” spam in the chat. A well behaved Hollow Knight community would’ve had an update by now, you’re doing this to yourselves.
A crying toddler screaming over candy will never learn the tough lessons of life by being given what they demand. Why would this be any different? The Hollow Knight fandom’s predictable tantrums thrown after every State of Play and Games Fest should not be rewarded. Patience is a virtue.
By now you’ve made up your mind. Some readers have already closed this tab and moved on to their daily cyberbullying. But not you, you stayed. Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step towards maturity and acceptance.
So hear this, Hollow Knight fans, it’s time to put down the torches and pitchforks, they’ve done more harm than good. Instead why don’t we take a walk in nature, volunteer at a local non-profit, or do literally anything else. There are millions of video games waiting to be played, don’t throw away your precious years waiting for what you think is the right one to come along.
LOS ANGELES — Actor/fighter Jonathan “Johnny Cage” Carlton decided to try his luck with alt-right podcasting following a series of critical and financial failures at the box office, sources report.
“After ‘Cage Match’ lost money, it was time to make a change or go broke,” Cage noted. “Luckily, I knew I could just learn from Kevin Sorbo and say my career woes are because of Hollywood discriminating against Republicans. I’ve since started the ‘Awake, NOT Woke’ podcast, and I’m making more money just going on weekly rants on whatever subject Fox News has boomers angry about at the time I’m recording. I’d rather be acting, but I need to be realistic about funding my lavish lifestyle. These $500 sunglasses aren’t going to buy themselves.”
God of Thunder Raiden reacted to his friend’s decision.
“I can’t believe this is the same Johnny Cage that defeated Goro and helped defend Earthrealm from the Outworld Emperor,” Raiden lamented. “I checked out his podcast, and he and his guest Ted Cruz were whining about some trans kid in Georgia who wanted to play high school volleyball, as if that is something either of them should give a shit about. I’m just going to have to remember him as the guy who sliced the top of Scorpion’s head off with a flaming shield, not the guy who’s currently complaining about how the ‘feminization of America’ is the reason nobody wants to watch his movies anymore.”
Video game sociologist Rebecca Dawes weighed in on the situation.
“Alt-right politics is often seen as an escape chute of sorts for struggling actors,” Dawes mentioned. “The same also applies to video games. For example, Dracula briefly became a conservative political writer after Castlevania 64, and Leon Kennedy famously lobbied against the creation of a T-Virus vaccine to draw attention to himself after Resident Evil Re:Verse. Unfortunately, because of the hellscape we all now inhabit, this is seen as a lucrative career pivot. He’s going to make millions from it.”
At press time, Cage was being criticized by his right-wing contemporaries for saying Donald Trump shouldn’t run for a third term.
SAN MATEO, Calif. — With the surprisingly good Twisted Metal television adaptation in full swing of its second season, sources inside the company have confirmed that Sony will capitalize on the show’s popularity by letting the games continue to languish in the void.
“We are very pleased with both the quality of the show and its performance,” said Sony Head of Multimedia Beth Copeland. “People all over the world have taken a liking to this world and the characters in it. As more and more people become fans of Twisted Metal we are proud to offer them absolutely no new games in the series to play. That would require us to spend money. We simply have no funds in the budget for games outside of our three current franchises.”
Head of PS Studios Hermen Hulst confirmed that no plans for a new Twisted Metal were in the works but told fans there were still ways to enjoy the series when they finish watching the show.
“We considered it but Todd Howard taught us to just have you play the old ones. We have basically all the old ones on PS Plus Premium. We encourage fans to just subscribe and play those. We don’t see a need to revive an old game franchise just because there is a popular television series currently airing and audience appetite. That would divert resources away from what’s really important to us like making a dozen Horizon games no one asked for and funding whatever ‘both sides of the Israel/Palestine conflict are bad’ allegory Neil Druckmann wants to make next”
Twisted Metal fans were not satisfied with Sony’s rationale for letting the series continue to languish.
“Sure I can go and just play the PS1 games or Black and I definitely will but that doesn’t compare to what a new Twisted Metal would be like. I wanna play as Quiet or Stu. I wanna play online with my friends. They aren’t even doing crossovers with other games. Anthony Mackie is in Fortnite as Captain America but he should be in for this, the same amount of people watch the show as that movie anyway, maybe more.”
At press time, Sony has announced in lieu of a new Twisted Metal game they will be developing a remake of Horizon Forbidden West.
SEATTLE — In a massive win for the Amazon Labor Union, Jeff Bezos and Amazon corporate have agreed to begin offering their employees paid time on, our sources confirm.
“This is a huge leap forward on the grounds of warehouse workers rights,” says the Union’s lead defense attorney, Douglass Petersen. “But we’re not going to stop there, next on the list is stainless steel piss bottles, appropriate air circulation, and basic human rights.”
This stunning upset comes at the end of a long and drawn out hearing over litigious disputes made by roughly 40,000 warehouse workers across the US between June and mid-June of this year.
“The job has become mostly filing complaints,” says Seattle native and four year Amazon employee Dana Kulp. “See a cockroach? File a complaint. Slip on a pile of human feces? File a complaint. Find a disembodied finger? File a complaint.”
Outcries against these harsh working conditions have been championed across social media, but many have found it difficult to donate and support the ALU’s mission.
“I tried several times to Google how I can help, but I kept getting emails with a 20% off Amazon coupon and redirected to the Amazon Essentials page,” says former worker’s rights advocate Sabrina Knowels. “They even offered me a sponsorship deal if I deleted my account, and they can help you make a passive income too, just use my code SABS at checkout to learn more.”
At press time, Jeff Bezos has taken a percentage of the newly implemented paid time on as a wedding gift to himself.
NEW YORK — Devastation came in the form of an enormous man in a goofy helmet Tuesday afternoon as Galactus, Devourer of Worlds took what he called a ‘tiny nibble’ out of the northern hemisphere of the planet, before spitting into his napkin.
“My gastroenterologist advised me to take smaller bites because consuming the energy of an entire planet at once was wreaking havoc on my bowels,” said the powerful purple planet-eater. “And it’s a good thing I did, because the taste was rancid. The flavor profile was confusingly both sour and bland. Absolutely dreadful. I hoped no one would notice me spit it out.”
The gigantic entity towering over the planet did not go unnoticed, however, as eyewitnesses across four continents saw the cosmic being make a stank face. Harold Gallagher of Queens watched the entire event unfold.
“Giant fuck-off cosmic being takes a bite outta everything south of Philly and just spits it out? The Earth ain’t good enough for you?” Gallagher said, seemingly unbothered by the cataclysmic event, “Next time he oughta come to New York for a slice or for some Italian food. Won’t spit that into his dainty little napkin.”
Some observers wondered why Galactus chose to bit that specific part of the globe, which once contained much of Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, and North Carolina. Doctor Reed Richards, founder of the Fantastic Four and foremost expert on Galactus explained.
“The only way to divert Galactus away from Earth was to trick him into eating the least palatable part,” Richards explained. “Unfortunately, the size of the bite was still larger than expected. My heart aches for the innocents lost, but their sacrifice has saved our planet.”
At press time, the President could not be reached for a comment on Doctor Richards’ unilateral decision, as the ruins of the White House now reside within the colossal napkin in Earth’s orbit.
Alright, let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I am not a conspiracy theorist. You won’t see me declining the COVID vaccine or insisting that the moon landing was directed by Stanley Kubrick, and frankly, I find people like that to be both stupid and insufferable. It’s just that, if I’m completely honest, something about that building collapsing to the ground doesn’t sit right with me. In fact, I just don’t think a feral monster born from an experimental accident can take down an entire tower. Do you see where I’m coming from?
Just look at the buildings themselves, man. They’re built to withstand everything, from inclement weather to an accidental collision with any U.S. Army helicopter that’s trying to shoot down any kaijus bent on destroying an entire city. Do you really think it wouldn’t be able to withstand an oversized gorilla climbing it while repeatedly punching holes in its facade to devour its inhabitants? I’m sorry, man, but if you’re telling me that, you’re definitely drinking the Kool-Aid. I don’t use the term “sheeple” very often, but you’re not really leaving me with a choice here.
If that doesn’t sell you, notice the plume of smoke as the green tower collapsed in the San Jose level. See anything strange? That’s right, they’re beginning at the ground level and moving upward. If that’s indicative of anything, it’s a controlled demolition, my dude, and not the result of compromised structural integrity resulting from a gigantic lizard having gutted the building of vital load-bearing supports. I’ve talked to countless civil engineers about this. Trust me—and I haven’t even mentioned the multiple witnesses who reported seeing an army man literally planting the explosive charges at the base of the structure moments before it fell.
And consider the bank in the Sacramento level! It is a documented fact that the owner took out a large insurance policy on the building just three days before Lizzie stormed into the city and attacked it. Doesn’t that strike you as being just the slightest bit suspicious? Everyone knows the poor scientists who mutated into those hideous monsters were set up by the government to drum up public support for a war against the countries that manufactured the chemicals that caused the transformations. It’s only logical that the corporate elite was given fair warning to cover their asses before the shit hit the fan. Come on, get your head out of the sand!
That’s enough, I’m growing tired of trying to convince you of the truth, but you’re definitely going to need to learn how to approach things critically going forward. I’ll tell you about how Raccoon City officials collaborated with Umbrella Corporation to purposely unleash the T-Virus on the masses next time we talk. Prepare to have your mind blown.
When Dr. Eggman announced his candidacy for President, I was thrilled to see someone finally standing up to the political elite and promising to implement common sense policy that would help working class Americans like myself by lowering the cost of eggs. What I didn’t expect was that as soon as he got elected, he would steal my Chaos Emeralds.
I voted for the guy because I was sick and tired of inflation. Did I expect him to immediately steal and then use my Chaos Emeralds to construct Eggmanland, a cartoonishly designed, hybrid theme park/city? No! He promised that he was divesting from any holdings he had in his companies.
Did Dr. Eggman repeatedly campaign on his plan to take over the world and reshape it into a robotic utopia in his image? Sure. But how was I supposed to know that he was serious about it?
I mean, c’mon, the guy is a successful entrepreneur. Sure, he’s filed bankruptcy multiple times after his robotics facilities were destroyed by that enterprising band of anthropomorphic animal heroes. But I think we all know that that blue-haired liberal Hedgehog is being funded by outside sources who are secretly funding his Antifa agenda with golden rings because they are hellbent on destroying America.
Do I regret voting for Dr. Eggman? Well, if I did, I guess I’d have to get rid of all of my Robotnik merch, like my hats, flags, beer coozies, bottle openers, commemorative coins, truck nuts, shoes, and so on. I’d also have to admit that I don’t really mind his hostile takeover of power and that it really is what I was voting for all along. And then I’d probably have to call my daughter to apologize. So hell no! What’s a few Chaos Emeralds in exchange for seeing those snowflake commie critters cry every day? His regime has been totally worth it, even if I’ve now been conscripted into service for the Robotnik empire.
WASHINGTON — In a shocking announcement this week, a coalition of the planet’s top climatologists and film critics warned that at the rate we’re going, there is a high probability that the Earth could fall below 50% on the Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer within the calendar year.
“We’re reaching a critical point in our history as a species,” said meteorologist Carol Anderson. “Between the Trump presidency, Israel committing genocide in Gaza, and that shitty new I Know What You Did Last Summer reboot, we need to do everything we can to reverse course and get the planet back on the right track. For the past twenty-five years, our Tomatometer score has been slowly dipping, but we’ve been hovering at a generous 60% for a while now – right above the critical ‘Rotten’ range. Recently, though, a bunch of fucking horrible things have been happening all at once, and that percentage score is rapidly declining as more and more critics weigh in.”
Noted film reviewer and the person nobody wants to be around at a party, Bryce Fields, offered a bit of a different perspective on Earth’s recent decline on the world’s premiere review website.
“Now, it’s not all doom and gloom,” Fields stated to the press. “Superman and Fantastic Four were pretty good. Zohran Mamdani will probably be the mayor of New York City. And, um…hmm. That’s really all the good news that’s keeping us afloat right now, it looks like. But I wouldn’t start to panic until our score starts to dip down towards a critical average of 55, 54%. That’s about when the alarms should start to go off.”
We reached out to members of the public for their immediate reactions to the shocking news. One local, who chose to remain anonymous, had the following to say:
“Yeah, I mean, that honestly makes a lot of sense to me. To be completely transparent, I’m shocked we didn’t go down to like 33% a long time ago. And what really sucks is this won’t change anything in the long run – so many people still think the Tomatometer is a total hoax, or that we can’t be on a downward trajectory just because the score goes slightly up every now and again. We need to stop relying on these old ‘fossil reviews’ and start pouring our resources into renewable elegies. Otherwise, things are gonna get a lot worse before they get better.”
At press time, scientists were observed obsessively refreshing the Earth’s Rotten Tomatoes page, letting out a unanimous shout of horror every time our percentage decreased.
My wife loves to garden. She’s not particularly good at it, but she refuses to give up on developing her green thumb. I see a lot of myself in her, especially when it comes to writing and my dreams of being a writer. There’s the unrelenting climb to the top, a lot of failure, and a supportive spouse who is tired and just wants you to give up and get a real job. We’re both stubborn and supportive to a fault. I for one am ready to end this cycle of toxic positivity. So, with that in mind, I pulled my wife away from a daisy on its deathbed and demanded that she rank all 49 plants from the original Plants vs. Zombies on how likely they would survive her garden.
49. Flower Pot
PopCap counts this as a plant. My wife refuses to rank this since, ‘pots are not plants.’ For someone so adamant about following the rules of this list, you would think she could apply that kind of discipline to plant care. She’s mad now. I’m just going to stick the pot here on the list.
48. Pumpkin
“This one is just like our sex life,” my wife says, catching me completely off guard. I ask her to elaborate, and she says, “It’s all saggy and already dead.” I can’t believe the nerve, but I have to agree that this one goes here on the technicality of it being dead.
T-47 Puff-Shroom
“Oh, that little guy is so cute,” says my wife, who hates mushrooms. I imply that she’d probably just step on him and not even realize it. She does not agree and is now walking through the room swearing up and down that none of my articles have ever made her laugh. And she just stepped on a stray LEGO block. Thank you, LEGO.
T-47 Gatling Pea
She’s crying in the other room, so I’m going to do the next one without her. The Gatling Pea is a hard-nosed soldier, but as a PVZ veteran he’ll need our support once he’s done fighting for Dave’s garden. My wife’s gardening skills are the least of this guy’s worries with this current administration in the office.
T-47 Coffee Bean
Okay, she’s back. This woman is a coffee fiend (as am I). I think we can both agree that the Coffee Bean’s time in the garden would be very short.
T-47 Snow Pea
Oh crap. My wife just scrolled up and saw the Gatling Pea entry. Now I’m some, “big liberal pussy who paid money to go to comedy school.” She just stormed out of the room again. Real mature. Her heart may be made of ice, but there’s no way she could keep Snow Pea from melting in her shitty little garden.
T-47 Winter Melon
While we’re on the subject of frozen hearts, we might as well put Winter Melon here. She told me recently that she doesn’t like watermelon. Says it’s not crunchy enough. Who wants a crunchy watermelon?
T-47 Ice-Shroom
I’ve calmed down a little bit. I think she has too. I could hear her hammering ice out of our ice maker. It’s old and all the ice melts together quickly, so you have to chip away at it to free up a single piece of ice. All this reminds me of the Ice-Shroom. He’s the one frozen plant in PVZ who would not melt, because she would likely take a hammer to him to ice her tea.
T-47 Lily Pad
She’s barely scraping by in the garden. Do you think she is going to have the know-how to keep a pond going? The poor Lily Pad is DOA.
T-47 Fume-Shroom
She’s finally back and she does not like the look of the Fume-Shroom. “Ew, is that mushroom spitting on those zombies,” my wife asks as she munches on a pickle. “I’d for sure plug that hole with something. Can you do that in your cute little photoshop that you play with instead of coming upstairs at night to play with me.” Sure can, dear. Sure can.
T-47 Blover
I like Blover a lot, but when my wife gets the weed whacker out anything goes. This cute little guy is getting caught in that path of destruction for sure. I’m going to let her do the next few.
T-47 Melon-Pult
“A watermelon that launches another watermelon. That’s perfect! I don’t have to kill it myself.”
T-47 Cherry Bomb
“I LOVE cherries. They have a little crunch to them, and I like chewing on the pit. I can tie a knot in cherry stems with my tongue, but my husband has no idea. He doesn’t know much about me anymore.”
T-47 Grave Buster
She just ran away crying. What happened? That was going so well. Did she see the butt-plug in the Fume-Shroom? Shit. I should go check on her, but I need to finish this list. My wife leaves a lot of junk around her garden. An unfortunate truth for Grave Buster who is likely to eat anything gravestone shaped.
T-47 Magnet-Shroom
My wife has taken up woodworking in the yard as well. Great for her having a new hobby. Not so good for the Magnet-Shroom.
T-47 Cob Cannon
She’s still crying. I am going to pop her a bowl of popcorn (her favorite). Obviously, Cob Cannon doesn’t stand a chance with my popcorn-loving wife.
T-47 Spikeweed
“Ok, I’m back. My husband can be sweet when he’s not being a complete asshole. Ok, this guy is spikey, I don’t like spikes in my garden. I like to garden barefoot. I’d cover this spikey little guy with a pile of dirt.”
T-47 Spikerock
“This guy evolves from the last spike guy? Is this Pokémon? He’s terrifying, Good thing I keep a flip flop on the porch for bugs and other gross issues that arise. I call it my yard flip flop.”
T-47 Plantern
“So, it’s a lantern? Seems redundant, I’ve already got wire lights strung around the garden. My yard flip flop probably got stuck on that scary spike Pokémon, so I’ll toss my trusty yard rock at this guy to try and shoo him away.”
T-47 Imitater
“The fuck is that? A mime potato? Fuck, my garden flip flop and my garden rock are out of reach. Where’s my garden gun?”
T-47 Torchwood
“A fire stump? No fires in my garden. Where’s the hose?”
T-47 Tangle Kelp
Tangle Kelp just sounds like something that is going to kill my other plants. I can just throw it away and not feel bad, right? No one kills my plants, except for me occasionally by accident.”
T-47 Potato Mine
“Is this guy related to that mime? Honestly, I am out of ammo and don’t want to find out. I’ll just let this guy rot in the ground. I wonder what my husband photoshopped into that spitting mushroom guy from earlier.”
T-47 Gloom-Shroom
She discovered the butt plug gag up top and now she’s packing her bags to go to her mother’s. Really sucks she can’t take a joke. Better pack the rest of her plugs, which ironically would be enough to stop up a Gloom-Shroom.
T-47 Scaredy-Shroom
She’s so full of shit about, ‘no fires in the garden.’ She lights fires all the time. Tree limbs, mushrooms, really anything that can catch fire is not safe…
T-47 Umbrella Leaf
…Including the very flammable Umbrella Leaf.
T-47 Sea-Shroom
After those last few entries, I came to my senses and went to the other room to talk to my wife. She agreed to stay, as long as I spend less time photoshopping. You’ll just have to imagine this Sea-Shroom being held underwater until the last air bubble comes up.
T-47 Cactus
Things are really cooling off here. My wife really appreciated me not photoshopping the last photo. Here is another. I wanted to shop a cactus impaled by another cactus and bleeding to death, but I love my wife way too much to photoshop when I promised not to.
T-47 Wall-Nut
I didn’t even have to do anything to this one. Thank you PopCap for having enough foresight to put a dying plant in your game and potentially save my marriage.
T-47 Garlic
My wife is honestly not the biggest Garlic fan in the world. She said I could photoshop this one, but I refuse to do that. Sure, it would be fun to mince this guy into pieces with the lasso tool and then float the pieces out into separate layers. The finishing touch would be finding a PNG of a good sharp knife to add to the photo. Must resist the urge to photoshop. This is a test. She is testing me.
T-47 Peashooter
My wife is taking a nap, so I am on my own for these next few plants. I love the Peashooter (almost as much as I love my wife). This guy is like the mascot of Plants vs. Zombies. Like how my wife is the mascot of this marriage. She would for sure kill this guy. Probably from overwatering or some other innocent way. Must resist the urge to shop. What if I just painted over his eyes and used the “X” from the Road Rage font to imply he is dead? I’m not technically photoshopping anything. All I’m doing is painting and writing on the photo.
T-47 Repeater
That wasn’t so bad. For Repeater what if I just folate his top part into a separate layer and paint the edge of the stems? Now it looks like he was hit by a weed whacker. It’s still not photoshopping if I don’t put in a full effort, right?
T-47 Chomper
Chomper is always eating things, so it’s only natural that he would choke on something in my wife’s garden. Let’s lengthen his neck and add a huge lump in the middle. For good measure, let’s grab some water drop PNGs to imply that he’s trying to hack up my wife’s garden flip flop. Notice his shade of blue grow darker as his soul is choked out of him.
T -47 Sun-Shroom
Lasso. Float. Lasso. Float. Lasso. Float. Lasso. Float. Lasso. Float. Lasso. Float. Oh uhm, sorry. Sun-Shroom is for sure getting run over by a lawn mower.
T-47 Hypno-Shroom
I’m not saying my wife eats mushrooms willy nilly, but the Hypno-Shroom would remind her of the unicorn drink from Starbucks. She slurps those damn things down. The similar colors would likely lead to her taking a big bite of this poor fellow. Simple erase tool for this one.
T-47 Doom-shroom
My wife has finally awoken, and I was right. It was a test. She is not too happy about my disregard for her desires (the multi-butt plug shop of the Gloom-Shroom didn’t help either). She says she’s leaving and taking the kids. Marriage is tough. This Doom-Shroom locked in a bottle perfectly captures how I feel right now. Trapped. Unable to do the thing I want to do most.
T-47 Split Pea
See, dear reader. Marriage is about squeezing yourself into an everchanging box, in an attempt to fit into it.
T-47 Squash
Marriage will hollow you out…
T-47 Threepeater
…Tie you up in knots…
T-47 Tall-Nut
…and beat you senseless like Paul Dano in Prisoners…
T-47 Jalapeno
…Until there’s nothing left of the original you.
T-47 Sunflower
Marriage is tough. You feel like you pull yourself apart, all for this other person you consider to be the better half of you…
T-47 Twin Sunflower
…And then you wake up one day and realize they are a walking nightmare and that you didn’t need another half. It turns out you were pretty whole the entire time.
T-47 Starfruit
Just ate a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Wow, I needed that. I get a bit dramatic when I’m hungry. Oh shit, the list. Oh, Starfruit, such a forgettable plant in the game. I imagine my wife forgetting this guy was out in her garden and just stumbling upon his corpse one day.
T-47 Cabbage-Pult
Thanks for hanging on this far. Sorry to the PVZ fans for blowing up this list with my drama. I guess I really should be apologizing to my wife. I kind of just blew up our marriage, didn’t I? Oh, the Cabbage-Pult…I always wanted to superglue a bomb into his little launcher. I am sure these things are readily available in my wife’s garden.
T-47 Kernel-Pult
Hear me out on the Kernel-Pult. What if I superglued a bomb into his little launcher? Wait a minute, I just made that joke. Oh my god, my wife is right. I am a bad writer. I am a hack. Yet, she still agreed to sit down with me and do this list. She just sat here and played along while I made jokes at her expense. Fuck. I am a bad husband.
3. Gold Magnet
My wife would not kill Gold Magnet. In fact, I think she would keep him safe. Partially because he reminds her of the golden rule (which she practices religiously), also because it can pull any buzzsaws its way. But more than anything, she would keep it alive because it attracts coins, and we are broke as fuck.
2. Marigold
Marigold makes coins so therefore, safe. I should call her. If she wants to spend her time gardening I should support that, no matter how many plants die along the way. It’s ringing.
1. Cattail
It’s been a month since the last entry on this list. In that time my wife and I have reconciled and are happy to announce we are expecting another child. We are forgoing couples therapy because we really think this third baby is the answer to all our problems. Here is my wife to now complete the last entry of this list. “Oh my god, he is so cute. I would never let anything happen to him. That’s it, we’re getting a new cat. Combined with the new baby. that will fix all of our problems. I just know it.”
