TV Character Has Longer Hair in This Scene So You Know It’s a Flashback

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — A character in the hit television series Anaesthesia Blues was shown with longer hair in one scene so that viewers would know that it was a flashback scene, according to those familiar with the situation.

“At first, I was like, whoa, why does Marcus look slightly different? Then he pulled out a flip phone, and I was like, whoa, why did Marcus get rid of his iconic iPhone to start using one of those old Nokias? Then he started complaining about President George W. Bush, and I was like, whoa, why is he so hung up on such an old president? Then Lindsay showed up in the scene, and I was like, whoa, is she a ghost? Didn’t she die three seasons ago? That’s when I realized that Marcus’ hair was shaggier than normal, so it must have been a scene that took place in a year before the show started,” said Anaesthesia Blues viewer Lex MacDonald. “I appreciate when the show gives me little hints to help me figure out when the scene takes place.”

According to longtime Anaesthesia Blues writer Caine Schneider, Marcus’ longer hair was an intentional voice to help viewers understand the scene better.

“The longer hair was crucial to setting the date of the scene, because, as everyone knows, your hair is longer when you’re younger,” Schneider explained in a behind-the-scenes interview that followed the airing of the show’s newest episode. “Everything else about the character can stay the same, though, of course. It doesn’t matter if the actor is 20 years older than they should be in that scene, so long as they wear a floppy wig — that’s how you know it’s in the past. If we ever do a scene in the future, we’ll make sure to give Marcus a comb-over. It’s like how you know a scene is in Mexico if it’s orange, but for time.”

At press time, Anaesthesia Blues was reportedly in danger of being canceled by HBO Max due to its extensive hair and make-up budget of one shaggy wig.

Parent Reading Steam Reviews to Determine If Genital Jousting Is Appropriate for Children

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CHESAPEAKE, W. Va. —  A concerned parent has reportedly spent hours scouring the Steam reviews for Devolver Digital’s Genital Jousting in an effort to determine if the game would be appropriate for her sons to play, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh, now this one here is interesting,” said Carol Morris, mother of three young gamers, reading another in a series of Steam reviews out loud to no one in particular. “It says ‘Genital Jousting provides an absurd look at the status quo and the things we value in our lives, as our hero John gets ready for his high school reunion and takes stock of where he’s at in his life. Also, John is a set of dick and balls and an asshole that works at a dildo factory shoving dildos up his asshole all day.’”

“So getting kind of mixed signals on that one,” she said.

The game, released in early 2018, is a physics based party game which also features a short story mode. The game is rated M for mature and garnered mostly positive reviews. 

“While Genital Jousting clearly won’t be for everybody, those that give it a shot will find an inspired puzzle game akin to a more sophomoric Untitled Goose Game,” read GameSpew’s positive review of the title. “The satirical looks at office culture, consumerism, and dating life pair nicely with the sight gags like when you put a match up your asshole and use it to light candles or when you hurt your asshole and put a Band-Aid on your asshole. A truly one of a kind game.” 

The game’s developers said they designed the game with a number of different audiences in mind, potentially even children. 

“I know it’s easy to laugh off a title like Genital Jousting, but we really wanted to do two things; make a fun video game, and challenge what it is that a video game could be,” said Evan Greenwood, creative director with Free Lives Ltd. “It’s not really my place to say whether it’s appropriate for a lady’s children or not. I guess it all depends on if you’re more comfortable with them playing some violent shooter, or a thoughtful little game that tells a nice story?”

“Where, yes, you steer around as a big red schlong and nads that leaves a slimy trail everywhere it goes,” he continued. “That’s in there.” 

As of press time, Morris decided to go ahead and purchase Genital Jousting for her sons, and informed them that she would sit with them while they played the game to make sure they understood all of the mature content. 

Hey! This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital. Genital Jousting may not be appropriate for children, but it is very appropriate for YOU, an ADULT. So you should check it out on Steam right now and play it, OK? It’s 75% off right now and it’s got dicks in it.

Priceless 14th Century Renaissance Painting Restored by Whacking it With a Wrench a Few Times

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

AUSTIN, Texas — The Aurora Baptiste, a previously dilapidated Renaissance-era painting in the possession of a local art gallery, has finally been restored by mechanic Chip Conagher after he smacked it with a monkey wrench three times.

“It was real easy gettin’ it fixed up once it came into the shop,” said Conagher after submitting his invoice for parts and labor to repair the 45 million dollar painting. “I just fixed it the same way I fix anything, by givin’ it a few good thwacks. Most things can be fixed that way.”

Conagher then went more into detail on his work process, which he says has helped him repair cars, generators, jukeboxes, sentry guns and fighter jets, among other things.

“Usually when something unfamiliar comes into the shop needing fixing, it at least has 2 or 3 cartoon band-aids in the shape of an X hidden somewhere on it,” he explained. “And then you get to point gently at that area with your wrench and say, ‘there’s your problem right there,’ which in my opinion is really the best part of the job.”

The global art community has come out in droves to praise for Conagher’s unorthodox preservation efforts, heralding the restoration as a perfect recreation of the original piece. 

“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t cry when I first saw the finished product,” said professional art critic Renée Trombowski. “You would barely even know that it was just bludgeoned with a wrench!”

At press time, a highly in-demand Conagher had reportedly been called into a local hospital to attempt to revive a flatlining heart surgery patient.

Budget Cuts Force ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3’ to Use Only YouTube Audio Library Songs

Posted on by Camden Brazile

ATLANTA — Reports from the set of Marvel’s upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 claim the film has undergone severe and swift budget cuts, forcing the traditionally-iconic soundtrack of retro pop hits to be replaced by entirely public domain songs from the YouTube Audio Library. 

“Since letting me back on board after firing me, this time Disney is reigning me in a bit,” said Guardians 3 director James Gunn. “Initially, we wanted some great ’70s powerhouse hits to underscore the plucky space adventures like Electric Light Orchestra and Cheap Trick, but the licensing rights caused the studio to balk a bit. Now, all the high-octane shootouts will have these bright, upbeat instrumentals that YouTube was just giving away for free. It’s not ideal, sure, but we doubt people will even really notice. It’s justified in-universe as well, when Starlord, played by Chris Pratt, finds a YouTube account from his mother that used all sorts of royalty-free audio library songs to play over the series of Lets Plays and Vlogs she left for her young son before she died.”

Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige said the budget had to be cut after recent backlash to the MCU.

“People always complain that we’re just blatantly throwing around money on the screen and that the needle drops in the movies feel a bit forced,” Feige stated in a press conference. “Here’s a solution to both you ungrateful fucks. Now the Guardians of the Galaxy are going to have a quippy space heist while a mediocre, anonymous piano plinks away in the background. No Jackson 5 or Redbone, you get the same one repeating xylophone track that’s in all the 5-minute craft videos. We’ll just slap an ‘Awesome Mix Vol. 3’ on a casset or vinyl record and you stupid bastards will still shell out $35.99 for it at Disneyland gift shops, won’t you? Hell, we even got people to watch Thor 4.”

At press time, leaks inside Marvel confirmed that further budget cuts had also required the entirety of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 to take place in one singular room.

Here’s Everything Coming to freefamilyguy.tv This Month

Posted on by Tyler Simpson

Every day it seems like there’s either a new streaming service or one of the few you’re subscribed to are raising their prices. Thankfully, there’s a reliable site that has all the entertainment you could ever need in one place and it’s completely free! All it takes is clicking the nearly invisible X hidden somewhere around 20 horribly graphic porn ads and you have every piece of media ever made at your fingertips. Here’s everything coming to freefamilyguy.tv this month:

Camrip of Bullet Train (Camera guy only coughs twice)

Ferngully (320p)

Titanic Nude Scene Compilation

Schfifty-Five and Counting: Group X Live In Concert

The Land Before Time IX: Journey to Big Water (The Topher Grace Cut)

Live Stream of Night Cam Footage of You On the Computer

Michael Clayton

Rob Schneider’s Acting Masterclass

God’s Not Dead 5: The Return of Durant

Scooby-Doo Meets Greg Kinnear

Saturday Night Live: The Worst of Chris Kattan

Old Spice Commercials: The Movie

Breakfast at Tiffany’s Presents: Mr. Yunioshi’s Big Day Out

Patty Cake Xtreme!

Oops!: The Rise and Fall of the Guy that Accidentally Made Captain Crunch All Berries

Magnolia (TNT cut)

Scooby Doo Meets Burn Notice

Every Movie Bryan Cranston Has Been In Since Breaking Bad Ended

Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game: The Movie

Sword Owners Looking For Love

Saturday Night Live: The Best of John McCain

Miss Congeniality (The Snyder Cut)

Blue is the Warmest Collar Comedy Tour

Dragon Ball Z (Jeff Dunham Dub)

Arrival of Train at La Ciotat: The TV Show

Money Submarine

You Are The Middle Manager of This McDonald’s of My Dreams!

Timothee Chalamet’s Eateries, Delicatessens, and Bistros

Scooby Doo Meets Mohammed bin Salman Al

Ricky Gervais GTA IV Stand Up Special

Ernest Goes to the Capitol Riot

Family Guy

GUIDE: Here’s All the Blue Coin Locations in Yellowstone National Park

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Yellowstone National Park is the first National Park established in the United States, and much of the level design and mechanics of the National Park system were first developed here. But don’t let the old age fool you! Despite several remasters and quality-of-life improvements over the past few decades, the park still provides quite a challenge for veteran travelers. That’s why Hard Drive is here to help you find all the items, collectibles, and easter eggs scattered throughout the over two million acres of the Yellowstone Caldera.

COIN #1 – OLD FAITHFUL

This Blue Coin seems to be in an impossible-to-reach location: 140 feet above the ground! But don’t worry, it’s easier to nab than you’d think. Watch for the geyser to begin to bubble. That’s your cue to stand on top of the hot spring. Then, ride the waterspout up to the coin’s location and add it to your collection. But be patient. The Geyser goes off every 90 minutes so make sure you’re in position early!

COIN #2 – FISHING BRIDGE MUSEUM AND VISITOR CENTER

There’s no missing this Blue Coin. You’ll see it behind the counter at the gift shop on sale for 1,000,000 Gold Coins. Now, you could spend the time to collect those coins yourself, but there’s actually an easier way. Locate the Camera Crew in the parking lot to receive a quest (See Sidequest: “AS SEEN ON TV.”) Once you save Yellowstone Showrunner Taylor Sheridan from the nearby Lehardys Rapids, he’ll be waiting by the counter. Talk to him once more and he’ll buy you the Blue Coin in return for saving his bacon! 

COIN #3 – ARTIST POINT

This picturesque overlook isn’t just a great spot to take in the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone River and the magnificent Lower Falls. It’s also the location of one of the most deviously hidden Blue Coins in the park! First, you’ll need to complete the Ranger Rick questline to get the Binoculars (See Main Quest “OUT OF FOCUS”). Position yourself on the easternmost side of the overlook and look through the Binoculars at the falls. Line up the nearby sunbeam with the mist coming off the falls until a rainbow appears. Hold that for five seconds, and voila! A Blue Coin will come shooting off the Lower Falls and land right next to your car. 

COIN #4 – HAYDEN VALLEY

Hayden Valley is a great spot to see some of Yellowstone’s magnificent wildlife and restock your crafting materials. The Blue Coin here will reveal itself after you defeat 50 Bison. We recommend equipping the Yellowstone Spirit of the West Burgundy Hoodie for its +2 bonus to Perception and Small Guns. 

COIN #5 – ROOSEVELT LODGE

This Blue Coin is only available at night. Enter the lodge and make your way to the fireplace in the lobby. Look for a hidden switch along the left side. Push it, opening a secret passage to the basement. (Note: You will need a Flashlight. Extra Batteries are available at the Front Desk) Make your way down until you come to three stone podiums. Pay attention to the symbols on the body of the podiums. You’ll need to find the corresponding idols in the area. 

The Star Idol is in the same room you’re in. Check the chest in the southeastern corner. The Diamond Idol is in the 2nd stall of the communal showers. Finally, find the Annoyed Teen in Cabin 7. Let her join your phone’s WiFi Hotspot, and she’ll give you the Sagitarius Idol. 

Return to the chamber and place the idols on their podiums. Next, you’ll need to answer a series of questions. The correct responses are 

“To enjoy the splendor of nature”

“1,060 Soldiers”

“There can be no greater issue than that of conservation in this country.”

This will spawn the Ghost of Theodore Roosevelt. Speak to him to receive the Blue Coin and one of the best weapons in the park, the “Big Stick.”

Keep your eyes peeled to Hard Drive for even more tips and walkthroughs to help you 100% Yellowstone National Park! 

SEE ALSO:

How to Access The Postgame Supervolcano Boss Rush

Crafting Guide: Where to Find Bumper Stickers

Boss Guide: Smokey The Bear

Deal Alert: Your Neighbor’s Mom Just Threw His Xbox in the Trash for Failing History

Posted on by Zack White

If you’re searching for the absolute best deal on the latest gaming tech, you’re going to love this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: Your neighbor failed 9th grade history, and when his mom found out, she threw his Xbox Series X in the trash. Score!

“This is the last straw, Maxwell,” said local mother Junie Street, announcing the limited-time offer from the front stoop with the gaming console in her arms. “I told you what would happen if you didn’t get your act together and start studying, and I meant it!”

Street employed an aggressive marketing campaign to local shoppers, looking to move the hot item as quickly as possible.

“This is free to anyone who wants it, since apparently my son isn’t responsible enough to manage his own time with it in the house,” she announced, lifting the lid to the family trash can and adding the Xbox on top of the refuse.

Her business partner and son Maxwell, 15, expressed concern that the outrageous deal would hurt their bottom line.

“Dude, please just give it back. It’s not fair,” said Street in a rushed public statement directed at customers. “I paid for it with my own Christmas money. You don’t get to just take my stuff like that, no matter what my mom says.”

Unfortunately for Maxwell, the deal remains valid as of this writing — and his mom has teased another deal on headphones, if he doesn’t get his grades up in science.

Marvel Announces Cinematic Universe Will Skip Phase 13 for Good Luck

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — Marvel executives have outlined plans for their next dozen or so phases of their extended cinematic universe, and will be skipping the 13th phase in honor of an old superstition generally reserved for tall buildings. 

“I’m sure our fans will understand when we tell them that there’s bad vibes around the number 13 in things like hotels and film franchises,” said Kevin Feige. “That’s why no major franchise has ever gotten that high, it’s just playing with fire. We think we have a novel solution though, and are going to go right from closing phase 12 with Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 9 in June of 2035 and then kick off phase 14 with Spiderman: Home, Home on the Range that fall. No pesky 13th phase to derail our unstoppable run at the top of the cinematic world.” 

The ambitious plan, which anticipates decades of undiminished returns, seemed a bit cocksure to local filmgoers. 

“14 phases, huh?” asked Abigail Black, a Marvel fan that’s reportedly a little less excited with each one of these things. “I mean hey, if people like them then cheers, but I know me and my friends are getting a little fatigued and it’s only what, phase four or five? Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a blast watching all of my favorite comic book heroes and stories come to life, but they’re almost out of shit, right? Who do they have lined up for Phases six through twelve? Fin Fang Foom?” 

“Actually,  a Fin Fang Foom movie would be pretty dope,” she added. 

Another longtime Marvel fan warned of the perils of them assuming their reign is infallible. 

“This has all gone from the pie-eyed discovery of comic book movies to starting to feel like the 1990’s when they crammed out every variation and crossover they could think of and assumed anything they put out would print money,” said Arthur Willis, who’s been reading Marvel comics since the ‘80s.  “Maybe they should worry less about skipping a phase, whatever that even means, and reevaluate some things. This strategy nearly put them out of business once, but I’m sure this is an entirely different thing they’re doing this time with an entirely different mindset. Not an accurate comparison at all.” 

As of press time, Tom Holland had accidentally spoiled all of the endings of the Phase 12 movies.

Number Muncher to Be Publicly Executed for Role in 2008 Financial Crisis

Posted on by Alex Ptak

NEW YORK — More than a decade after the 2008 financial crisis shook the world economy, the United States government has finally passed judgment on the perpetrators by sentencing the Number Muncher to capital punishment.

“The American people have waited too long for a response from their government for these crimes,” said President Joe Biden at a press briefing Wednesday. “I stand here glad that justice is being brought to the Number Muncher, who as we all know is closely associated with numbers, both economic and otherwise.”

In a lengthy trial held last spring, federal prosecutors presented seemingly ironclad evidence tying Mr. Muncher to the collapse of the U.S. housing market and the large-scale looting of the American working class to bail out powerful financial institutions.

“Were some firms offering mortgages at intentionally misleading and criminal rates? We can’t know,” argued prosecutor Dean Archeson. “But we do know this: the number 4 was present countless times throughout the ordeal. Along with 0, 6, 2 and many more.”

While the harsh sentence caused alarm from some civil rights organizations, many citizens expressed relief that something is finally being done.

“I lost my job, my house, and my retirement savings in 2009. I lost it all,” explained Trisha Cornwallis, leaving the parking lot of a Newark supermarket between shifts at her three jobs. “I don’t know if he ate them, or what he did, but that green freak has got to go.”

The televised execution of the Number Muncher is set for October 15 on the White House lawn, where he will be chained to the ground and consumed alive by Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen.

Fortnite’s Blanka Coming to Street Fighter 6

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OSAKA, Japan — Capcom has confirmed the validity of a recent leak claiming to show the roster of their highly anticipated Street Fighter 6, confirming that Fortnite’s popular Blanka character is coming to the legendary fighting game’s next installment. 

“Wow, I can use Blanka from Fortnite in a fighting game?” asked Parker Tuckmann, an avid Fortnite player. “What’s that gonna be like? If he still has a bunch of guns and grenades and stuff, that hardly seems fair. But if they’re letting you just fuck around and play him as this beast man-thing, that could actually make for a really cool fighting game character. Either way, I can’t believe they’re going for it.“ 

The Blanka character, who was introduced to Fortnite in March of this year during Chapter 3: Season 2, seems like an atypical fit for the fighting game’s roster, which traditionally includes a wide variety of unmutated human fighters. 

“Yeah, it felt like a bit of a stretch at first, but we decided to go for it,” said Takayuki Nakayama, director of Street Fighter 6. “He’s just been so popular in Fortnite, and frankly, we want to get into the lucrative crossover business this time around. We have Ryu in Smash Bros, why can’t we have a Fortnite fighter in Street Fighter 6? You should see some of the sick moves we came up with for this bastard. Oh man, maybe we’ll get John Wick or one of the Ghostbusters in there next!” 

Fans who have been clamoring for the inclusion of Blanka for months were elated. 

“No way!” said Louis Williamson, one such vocal proponent of Blanka’s inclusion, said once the trailer premiered. “We’ve been demanding this for months, and I think they finally heard us. I knew they were bluffing when they said it wouldn’t happen. ‘Too big,’ my ass. Street Fighter 6 is gonna be the best game ever.” 

As of press time, it was heavily rumored that Fortnite’s Darth Vader would soon be starring in a Disney+ spinoff featuring the game’s popular character.