Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Dragon Quest Treasures: How to Use Treasure Maps

Posted on December 14, 2022 by Eddie De Santiago

As the name Dragon Quest Treasures might imply, treasure hunting is a major facet of gameplay, and treasure maps are a pretty important part of the process. Treasure maps can lead you to great danger and even greater riches. You’ll come across numerous maps as you play, but using them is another story, which is where we can help. Here’s how to use treasure maps in Dragon Quest Treasures.

Dragon Quest Treasures: Where to Find Treasure Maps

To use a treasure map, you’ll first need to find one! Luckily, you don’t have to go out of your way to find maps. Defeating monsters can result in a dropped map, but you can also earn one from your expeditions!

Though they might be easy to forget, it’s important to check on your side parties, because in addition to maps, they can find medals, materials, and even valuable treasure. Check in with Mr. Muddimer when your expeditions return for a chance to get a treasure map. Eventually, you will find yourself in possession of at least one map, and your treasure hunt can get underway!

How to Use Treasure Maps

Now that you have the map, you may be searching your inventory for it. But, it is conveniently added to your Quests tab immediately, with its own category! Set it as your active quest and you’ll be shown which island you need to set out for.

Make sure you bring a tough party because, unlike other more traditional maps, these maps do not lead directly to treasure. Your destination will actually lead to a teleportal that you can hop into when you’re ready. Once inside you’ll come face to face with several rooms of enemies, separated by teleportals.

Occasionally you’ll find a room just for healing, but, most importantly, the portal before the boss room will give you an extra warning, so you can make sure your party is healed and ready to go. Once the boss is defeated you’ll be rated based on time, so be sure not to waste time, because your rating appears to influence how much gold and treasure you receive.

Your treasures are added to your party’s held treasures, so be sure not to fill up on treasure and bric-a-brac on the way to the portal. Also, unlike rival gang quests, there is no time limit on Treasure Map quests so take your time getting ready if you feel like it will be too tough. One way to help ease Treasure Map quests’ difficulty is to recruit tougher monsters, and we can help with that too.

Kid Claims Uncle Who Works at Nintendo Told Him Cafeteria Has the Good Fish Sticks Again

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Tim Graham

REDMOND, Wash. — The cafeteria at Nintendo of America’s headquarters is once more serving “the good fish sticks,” according to twelve year old Matty DeSoto, who claimed to have gotten the exclusive news from his uncle.

“My friends always think I’m lying when I tell them my uncle works at Nintendo, but it’s true,” said Desoto while playing Kirby on his Switch to take his mind off of the stress of being distrusted by his friends. “Uncle Theo said they used to have the good fish sticks, and then they changed suppliers. But now they’re back — he thinks they might even be Gorton’s. He says the tartar sauce is really good, too. Fish Stick Friday is a pretty big deal over there, so everyone’s really excited. It might not always be exclusive news on unannounced games, but he tells me insider stuff all the time. How else would I know that they play Zelda music in the bathrooms, or that they just upgraded their whole HVAC system?”

Matty’s uncle, Theo DeSoto, confirmed that he is indeed an employee of Nintendo, and that he does occasionally divulge some privileged information to his young nephew.

“It’s true, I do work at Nintendo,” said Theo Desoto by phone over the noise of a floor buffer. “But, okay, so I’m a maintenance engineer. So what? I’m still right in the thick of it. I’m privy to all kinds of information. For instance, did you know that the executives have fancy, expensive toilet paper flown in from Japan? Recently, I told Matty about the elevators that make a Mario coin sound when you get to your floor. Oh, and here’s some gaming news: I overheard that the next Super Smash Bros. game is going to feature even more beloved Nintendo characters. How about that for a scoop?”

Robyn Corr, Nintendo of America’s Senior Vice President of Human Resources, said that having an uncle with a normal job at Nintendo can be challenging for kids such as Matty.

“It can be really tough for kids that have an uncle who actually works at Nintendo, but has what might be considered an unexciting job. Other kids don’t want to hear about what temperature they keep the offices at, or what brand of floor polish they use. They want to know about new features of Breath of the Wild 2, or when Metroid Prime 4 is coming out. We employ many, many uncles here, and not all of them get to have cool jobs. The thing that kids don’t understand is that someone’s got to do all the banal tasks that keep a multinational corporation running, like sorting mail, cleaning the bathrooms and polishing the many Miyamoto statues.”

As of press time, Theo DeSoto had texted his nephew that the cafeteria made a special gluten-free Kirby birthday cake for someone in the Accounts Payable department who has celiac disease.

YouTuber Tanks Own Channel So He Can Do Video Essay About the Rise and Fall of It

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Kevin Podas

RALEIGH, N.C. — In a self-defeating effort to generate more content, YouTuber Toaster Tim completely squandered what remaining potential his channel may have had in order to produce a video essay detailing the rise and fall of his very own career.

“I just ran out of things to talk about the rise and fall of,” said Toaster Tim. “Teletubbies, Twinkies, teen movies, you name it, I covered it. Eventually, there was no new material for me to cover and I had to turn the gun on myself. The gun being my snarky brand of cultural commentary, that is.”

In order to give a clean arc to his self-critiquing video, Toaster Tim had also begun posting subpar videos with more and more strained topics which commenters described as completely different from the content his fanbase had come to know and love over the years.

“Does anyone else think these videos have been a little weird lately?” commented ToastArmy99 on one of Tim’s recent uploads. “I know Tim has been on YouTube for over 9 years now, but ‘January 6th Themed Mukbang,’ ‘Tour of the Inside of my Pocket,’ and ‘Jared Fogle Interview From Prison’ feel a little off-brand for him.”

Fans’ confusion had somewhat abated over time, once it was revealed that Tim was simply trying to destroy his own career and future for a single video essay about his own downfall.

“‘The Rise and Fall of Toaster Tim’ is Toaster Tim’s magnum opus,” commented TimStan46 on r/ToasterTim. “It was crazy to see how he came to prominence, established a loyal fanbase, and then completely ruined his career on purpose. It sucks for him that his career is essentially over now, but at least we got a final solid 46 minutes of entertainment out of it.”

At press time, Toaster Tim announced that he will be pivoting to radical political content.

Guy in Comment Section Appointed to Head of Sony

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Kyle Erf

NEW YORK — An opinionated gamer with a habit of letting the world know what he would do if he was in charge for a while has been appointed to the top position within Sony, shocked sources have confirmed.

“Jesus Christ, I thought I was in line, or at least would be considered after all of my time with the company,” said Rod Haverstatt, a longtime Sony executive. “So imagine my surprise when someone named Cock_Licker_520 became my new boss yesterday? And look, it’s not about whether or not they lick cocks, I really don’t care about that sort of thing. But they are grossly underqualified! He wrote an email to all of our programmers telling them to make their shit less whack or they can start sleeping under their desks. How is that being a leader?”

Despite the controversial hiring, many have applauded the corporation for their atypical approach to filling the high profile job opening.

“Sure it’s weird to hire an angry kid off the internet to steer your giant company,” said Leslie McGown, a local gamer. “But it’s also pretty weird to just promote the next in a long line of dumb ass executives like every other corporation seems intent on doing. What’s the worst that could happen if an outsider comes in and tries some shit? Plus he’s promised to make PS+ less ‘gay,’ so I’m very interested in seeing what sort of plans he has for the service’s future.”

Cock_Licker_520 couldn’t believe his good fortune.

“I can’t believe those [people at Sony] hired me because of the shit I was talking in the YouTube comments of the Dead Island 2 trailer,” said the young CEO. “We’ve had some good meetings so far and I got them all working on PlayStation 6 and 7 at the same time so we don’t have to wait that long anymore. And also, get ready for a lot more Call of Duty games. A whole hell of a lot.”

As of press time, Sony had fired it’s senior vice president and appointed Cock_Licker_520’s older brother who has his driver’s license to the role.

Hard Drive Reviews: POKEMON SCARLET AND VIOLET

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Brad Waters

Pokemon Scarlet and Violet; buggy, glitch-ridden meme fiestas in video game form. But what lies beneath this single-textured, oatmeal-looking surface? Are these games actually good? Are they actually bad? What kinda kinky stuff is Fudj into?

Find out all this and more, with the Hard Drive Review, of POKEMON SCARLET AND VIOLET

Hard Drive Reviews is a review series in which we are attempting to review a game whilst also never once using the words “good”, “bad”, or any of either words’ countless synonyms. Should we make such a catastrophic mistake, a lifetime of shame shall befall our families and our children shall be cursed.

“Worst,” “worse,” “better,” and other terms are relative terms by the way! And do not mean “good” or “bad” on their own and are thus fair game. Words with good or bad connotations do not equal words that mean good or bad.

How to Cope With the Tragic Knowledge You’ll Never Taste The Pizza From ‘A Goofy Movie’

Posted on December 13, 2022 by Jus Kaplan

There probably aren’t many things you remember from the 1995 animated Disney flick A Goofy Movie, but there’s one part you can still picture crystal-clear from this whimsical tale of father-son hijinks: the pizza scene.

You know what I’m talking about. The five-second clip where Max’s friend P.J. picks up a slice of za so deliciously ooey-gooey that the melty cheese drips down his gloved cartoon paw. I bet you can still visualize him grabbing that stringy goodness and plopping it right back on top of the pizza as he prepares to take a decadent bite.

You’re salivating at the very thought of it, aren’t you?

Tragically, you’ll never, ever taste this perfect pie.

But don’t let this undeniably depressing knowledge get you too down! Here are some ways to cope and take your mind off the imaginary manna that satiated that lucky supporting character (but never you):

Buy yourself a slice of your favorite pizza.

Obviously, if you can’t experience the ultimate animated indulgence for real, you should experience the next best thing. Buy a thin crust slice of pepperoni pizza from your favorite local joint, extra cheese, and dig in while it’s piping hot. If you film yourself doing it and then put a cartoon filter on, it’s like you’re almost tasting A Goofy Movie pizza! Almost.

Go on a silly whirlwind of an adventure with the father figure in your life.

While the unctuous pizza is 100% the most memorable part of the film, A Goofy Movie also had thematic elements and plot completely unrelated to cartoon mozzarella. For one, Max and his dad totally bonded as they road-tripped to Los Angeles (or wherever the hell they went). It seemed to have helped them forget about that scrumptious snack that you can’t seem to get out of your mind after 27+ years, so maybe it could help you, too?

You can’t.

Most likely, you will not be able to cope with the tragic knowledge that you’ll never taste the pizza from A Goofy Movie. That’s life, buddy. Sorry you had to find out here. There’s support groups you can join, therapy you can practice, and mind-altering drugs you can take, but nothing will ever quite feel as good as that pizza must taste. Your life will never quite be the same now that you’ve seen the cartoon. Whoops!

Rewatch the fateful pizza scene over and over and over.

If you’ve tried the three steps above and still can’t stop thinking about the void left in your soul by the nostalgic noms you’ll never taste, this one should do the trick. Basically, you just give in and watch the pizza scene on repeat for three days straight without sleeping. This will either 1) make that pizza and your mortal existence lose all meaning to you or 2) cause you to snap and end up in a facility that does not allow you access to A Goofy Movie. If you’re desperate, it might be worth a shot.

Overwatch 2: How to Win on Shambali Monastery (Best Strategy)

Posted on December 12, 2022 by Richard Tammaro

Overwatch 2 Season Two has introduced a new map, Shambali Monastery. This new map is the former home of Zenyatta and Ramattra, as well as countless other Omnic refugees. Here are some tips to help you play better on this map.

Overwatch 2 Shambali Monastery Tactics

Shambali Monastery features a small town, a mining cave, winding cliffside paths, and a temple at the top of the mountain. There are a lot of side paths and hidden health packs to find, making this one of the more interesting and confusing additions to Overwatch 2’s map pool. Below, we will discuss some basic strategies to help you understand and become acclimated to this map.

Overlook the Push Track from the Balconies of the Town

The first portion of the map takes the Push cart through a small town. Many of the buildings on both sides of the street have balconies that overlook the entire path of the push cart. These can be used effectively to watch over the area and pick off enemies running along the street. The best part is that you don’t have to be an expert Widowmaker player to use them to your advantage. Since the buildings line the street, the balconies are close enough to the action that many other heroes can get value from setting up in these areas. So look to set up a Torbjorn turret, or even a smart Bastion player around the first corner for almost guaranteed damage.

Flank and Be a Nuisance from Side Paths

Shambali Monastery is a Push map, so it features a lot of side paths that wrap around the push cart track. These side paths can come in handy for flanking enemies as well as escaping from sticky situations. Not to mention, a lot of the health packs on this map are hidden in little corners along these paths. Using heroes with their own methods of disengage, like Reaper or Moira, are super handy in effectively using these side paths and getting the most value out of these excursions. Your whole team shouldn’t be using these paths though, as the majority of them should be focusing on pushing/defending the cart; however, having one or two players constantly poking the enemy from the side can be helpful for not only dealing damage, but acting as a distraction to draw aggro from the enemy team and possibly even pull them out of position as they try to find/chase the person poking them. Additionally, using these paths is essential to get back into the fight quickly after a death.

Overwatch 2 Shambali Monastery: Use Everything You Got Inside the Mine

After the first Push point, the next set of track goes through a narrow mine. This entire section is a choke point and great for close quarters/melee range heroes. Popping damage ultimates, or any area of effect attacks will yield practically free eliminations. Not to mention, there are small openings in the upper section of the mine that act similarly to the balconies of the town for mid/long range heroes. This is probably the most difficult stretch of the map to both attack and defend. A team kill here for either side almost assures victory, as both the entrance and exit to the mine are choke points themselves. Once enemies have been defeated, set up on their side of the mine and continue picking them off as they try to reenter the fight. If you find yourself on the losing end of this battle, remember to utilize the side paths around the map to get past your enemies blockade.

Overwatch 2 Shambali Monastery Tactics: Play Around the End of the Track

The Push track ends at the entrance of Shambali Monastery’s temple, denoted by a golden circle on the ground and four statues overlooking it. This area can get crowded quickly and heroes will often get melted by enemies in the elevated area surrounding it, so players will find more success fighting off to the side. There are staircases to the left and right of the final point, leading to a slightly elevated area that can be used to defend against the attackers. Again, setting up a Torbjorn turret here can be super effective if placed correctly. Attackers, on the other hand, will want to take control of these areas to prevent that. Unlike the town section at the start of the track with multiple balconies for both teams, there is only one elevated section in this area, so both sides will want to fight for control of the high ground.

Nintendo Reveals New Pokémon Game Is “Bug Type”

Posted on December 12, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo revealed today that Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet are meant to be “bug type” additions to the long-running franchise.

“You know all those pesky bugs you keep finding in Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet? The thing where your Koraidon or Miraidon disappears or your Pokémon falls off a cliff or you end up inside a wall? Those are bugs and this is a bug type game. Welcome to Paldea!” explained lead developer Shigeru Ohmori. “Every single time you post a video of a bug on Twitter or Reddit, guess what: you’re roleplaying as a bug catcher. You’re that guy Route 3 with just some level 10 Caterpies who we’re forced to engage in battle with when we walk past you. That’s you, dude. Hope you’re cool with that. You’ve fallen right into our trap.”

According to a leaked internal memo, every game in the Pokémon franchise has a specific type applied to it.

“Look, we’re not gonna lie. Pretty much every Pokémon game since the first gen has had bug-type as a secondary type. But Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet are the first to be exclusively bug-type,” the memo says. “We, as a company, have decided that we are done sugarcoating these games and are just going to lean into what they are. Unlike the wonderful creatures that live in the worlds we create, Pokémon games are not known to have any evolutions. We’re not pressing B to cancel the changes when the option comes up, they simply do not evolve into anything. Sometimes that’s life.”

Following the reveal, longtime fans of the series flocked to social media to comment on the news.

“I actually feel a lot better about Pokémon Scarlet and Pokémon Violet now that I know it was meant, from the beginning, to have all these bugs. It makes perfect sense, actually. I can’t believe I ever doubted Game Freak,” said Redditor SquirtleMyNurples. “Hopefully the next game is something different like dark-type or steel-type, but I’ll be pre-ordering it no matter what when it’s announced in the next few months.”

“Don’t you people see?! You’re all slaves to Game Freak! They aren’t making the games bug-type on purpose, they’re just saying that to cover their asses!! They probably meant this one to be dragon-type or something!!!” said PikaChuChuTrain83. “We need to BOYCOTT all Pokémon games. Don’t buy the next game, don’t comment on the things you like about the franchise, forget that Blastoise ever existed. Wipe these games from your mind until they’ve taken their Pokémon boots off our necks!!!”

At press time, in response to fans asking for a new Pokémon Stadium game, Ohmori confirmed that the franchise is unfortunately a ghost-type.

Dragon Quest Treasures: How to Recruit Monsters

Posted on December 12, 2022 by Eddie De Santiago

Dragon Quest Treasures is the latest spin-off in the Dragon Quest franchise, in which your sibling protagonists set off on adventure in search of valuable treasure. Eventually, you’ll find yourself with a full party of treasure-hunting monsters – three make a party, like in Dragon Quest Monsters, the other monster-taming spin-off. You’ll also be given a couple of Buddy Bullets, and the task of finding other monsters to help with your treasure hunting endeavors. Recruiting monsters is a multi-step process, but luckily we’re breaking down how to recruit monsters in Dragon Quest Treasures.

Dragon Quest Treasures: How to Recruit Monsters

First and foremost, you need to find monsters to recruit. The good news is that monsters can be found in pretty much every location. Initially, your only destination is the Paternoggin, the dragon-head shaped island you first appear on, but soon after you’ll have all of Draconia to explore. Once you take the train to another island, the nearest monsters will be a catapult shot away. Before you pile on your target monster, be sure to open your catapult ammo menu by holding ZR and pressing Y. This allows you to select a bullet from your inventory – some can heal your allies, others can inflict status ailments – but the one we need is the Buddy Bullet.

You were given ten of these earlier, but you’ll only need one per monster. Once you’ve selected the Buddy Bullet, lock onto your chosen monster and fire away! When the shot lands, you can switch to another ammo type or simply jump into the fray with melee attacks. Keep an eye on your notifications after you defeat the monster, because you’ll see a message indicating that the monster has been scouted. A Buddy Bullet does not guarantee success, but it greatly increases your chances.

How to Hire a Recruited Monster in Dragon Quest Treasures

Once you’ve recruited a monster, you’re halfway done! You can keep exploring and adventuring to your heart’s content, but when you’re ready to take the next step, you’ll need to return to your HQ. Once there, talk to Ms. Cecile in the main building at the back. She’ll show you all the monsters that want to join your team. You might notice more monsters in your queue than you used Buddy Bullets on. This is because every monster you fight has a small chance to join you naturally. The Buddy Bullet simply raises the chance of this happening.

The last thing you need to do is pay the monster’s hiring fee. Sometimes this is just money, so if you have enough you can pay them, but occasionally the monster requests specific items, and you’ll need to get exactly what they need before they’ll work for you. If you don’t know where to find a material, pressing X in the monster’s overview will give you more information, sometimes even where to find it! A good variety of monsters and fortes is key to exploration and treasure finding, so be sure to recruit all kinds of monsters!

Monsters, Inc. Switches Back to Screams Following Amazon Buyout

Posted on December 10, 2022 by Nick Lundquist

MONSTROPOLIS — Amazon CEO Andy Jassy announced this morning that, following months of tense negotiations, the tech conglomerate will be officially acquiring Monsters, Inc. and switching them back to screams.

“We are thrilled to bring Monsters, Inc. into the Amazon family. But in order to align this brand with our business ethos, we will be immediately transitioning back to scream-based power,” said Jassy in a recent press statement. “Our engineers have assured us that children’s screams are a more cost-efficient method of meeting our energy needs.”

Jassy went on to explain the financial benefits of harnessing screams, while acknowledging the reluctance of some monsters who’ve become accustomed to making children laugh instead.

“It’s been two decades since Monsters, Inc. leadership made the pivot to laughter, but we here at Amazon believe that screams are the future,” said Jassy while admiring the renovated scare floor. “We all love a good laugh, but when the blood-curdling scream of a child yields three times the power output then it’s really a no-brainer.”

Not everyone involved in the merger is thrilled about the decision, as many disgruntled employees of Monsters, Inc. have publicly voiced their opposition.

“Oh man, I just think we’re losing focus,” said maintenance employees Needleman and Smithy as they worked to re-calibrate containers. “It’s all just a way to cut corners since scaring is cheaper. This is exactly why we need a Monsters Union.”

Following the announcement, business insiders have weighed in on the buyout with near universal praise. One of the most supportive voices is none other than founder and former CEO of Amazon, Jeff Bezos.

“The children must be sacrificed. Their screams will fuel the engines of industry. Long live the new flesh!” said Bezos while boarding his scream-powered Blue Origin flight.

At press time, Amazon has unveiled plans to acquire the Al’s Toy Barn chain of retail stores, where they intend to remove the consciousness from every toy before Black Friday.