“Gamers’ Rights” Convention Panel Immediately Devolves Into Fiery Defense of Lolicon

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

BISMARK, N.D. — A panel titled “Go Woke, I’ll Fucking Kill You” that took place at the first annual “Gamers’ Rights” convention at the Bismark Airport Drury Inn conference center broke out into the most public display of lolicon defense in recorded history.

“This was staged by wokie agitators,” said event organizer Derek Fleegan, known as “Buck Chudley” on YouTube and X. “We came here to peacefully discuss why people who force woke ideas into games should be killed. That’s it. Video games are supposed to be fun, not make you think about stuff. Especially not stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable or like maybe there are things about yourself that you are too emotionally fragile to contend with, and if I ever were to accept myself for who I was, I might actually have a shot at being happy…but as I was saying, once that rabble-rouser disrupted the panel I had no choice but to defend the arts.”

The rabble-rouser was Danielle Cooper, the lone female attendant of the convention who shared her experience online. 

“The person sitting next to me asked if I was a fan of a certain anime I won’t name, and I told them I thought it was a little creepy ‘cause of how young the characters look and how they might be just a little sexualized,” Cooper said. “He stood up so fast it knocked his chair down and he shouted, ‘She said lolicon is creepy!’. Then Buck Chudley pulled a megaphone out from under the table, started shouting, and ordered the audience to throw their body pillows at me which they did without question. Some of them were full of Beyblades. I had to get eight stitches on my head.”

Hayden Brayden-Jayden, the attendee who alerted the others to Ms. Cooper’s comment, spoke in defense of his actions.

“Once again, feminism has stooped to a new low by planting a mole among our numbers,” Brayden-Jayden said. “As if anyone worth their salt would believe for an instant a woman who might be interested in defending games would come here. Real Gamer Girls know it would be unwise for one of the fairer sex to be exposed to such concentrated levels of Alpha Gamer, and thus the only logical conclusion is the one who did have the misguided notion to ingratiate herself with us would have to be a mole. There’s no other logical explanation. She was wrong though—about the lolicon. These liberals love to defend art when it’s something queer like a book, but when it comes to real art then suddenly censorship is justified. My philosophy is: If I can’t goon to it, I’m not interested.”

At press time, Buck Chudley had uploaded ten separate videos explaining how none of this was his fault and that next year’s convention would take place in another city as all attendees had been permanently banned from the city of Bismark.

Hyrule Citizens Petition to Fence Off Chasm After Third Child Plummets Into the Depths

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HYRULE — Concerned Kakariko Village parents began to petition city officials to fence off a local chasm when a third child plummeted into the Depths after wandering into it, sources report.

“How many more of our children have to die before the Hylians who’ve sworn to protect us do something about it?” resident Saphie told reporters. “The people of West Necluda are perpetually in a state of mourning because that infernal chasm has claimed three of our babies, and what is that supposed hero Link doing? Last I heard he was out in Central Hyrule running over Bokoblins in poorly-built, Zonaite-fueled vehicles that he fashioned together. Our next best option is to plead with our public officials to build a fence and prevent more deaths.”

Kirru, a local merchant, agreed with Saphie.

“Yeah, this town just isn’t as safe as it used to be,” Kirru reflected “It used to be that you could venture out of town at any time, but ever since the Upheaval, you’re liable to come across one of those huge chasms or, even worse, a horde of murderous Lizalfos. I’m always warning the children around here to stay away from that chasm, but you know how they are. Telling them not to do something just fuels their desire to do it, and now Kakariko Village has three dead kids on its hands. We’ve just got to build that fence.”

West Necluda Head of Public Works Fildi weighed in on the situation.

“Listen, I commiserate with these poor parents. I really do,” Fildi said. “It’s just that revenue in this part of Hyrule has skyrocketed ever since that chasm opened the door to the puffshroom trade, and fencing it off might negatively impact our routes to the Depths. King Ganondorf has imposed some very strict fealty taxes throughout Hyrule, and we need to make up that lost money somehow. I’m not saying the deaths of those children is a fair tradeoff, but the town has never been in a better place financially.”

At press time, Fildi compromised with the parents by giving each child in Kakariko Village a paraglider.

New Version of “Yakko’s World” Replaces All of the Countries With “America”

Posted on by Peter Cunis

WASHINGTON — In a last-minute executive order issued right before he left for Mar-A-Lago, President Trump declared that Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc. will be pressured to rewrite the song “Yakko’s World” from Animaniacs and replace every country with “America”. Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav announced in a press release that Warner Bros. would be cooperating with the order.

The order states, “Today, I am dispatching the Secretary of Education to Warner Bros. Headquarters in Burbank, CA with the intent to meet with the Animaniacs themselves. The song ‘Yakko’s World’ has always been an example of American excellence, and it should represent American values. Therefore, I, Donald J. Trump, hereby declare that ‘Yakko’s World’ shall be rewritten with the exclusion of all un-American lyrics to better reflect the superiority of our great nation. Zip zop zoo!” In a footnote, President Trump explained that he’s trying out some new catchphrases, and that ‘Zip zop zoo’ is “still a work in progress.”

The creators of the song had mixed reactions to the executive order. 

“On the one hand, this song is one of the highlights of my career,” said Rob Paulsen, the voice of Yakko, “On the other hand, it’ll be so much easier to recite at cons.” Randy Rogel, the writer of Yakkos’ world, had a more positive reaction: “This is actually the way I originally envisioned the song. I was just young and felt like I needed to be politically correct, so I added all the other countries.  ” 

Meanwhile, the Public Relations manager for the Animaniacs  reports that Dot is feeling “A lot of irritation and violent impulses regarding this decision” and that Yakko is “Fighting this in court by doing a pitch-perfect impression of Dustin Hoffman in the climax of Lenny.” As of writing, Wakko was still in rehab and was unavailable for comment.

While some informational resources, such as Wikipedia and Ultimate-Guitar.com, have resisted pressure from the White House to revise the lyrics in their respective databases, other sites such as AZlyrics and Genius have replaced their existing entries for “Yakko’s World” with the revised version mandated by the government.

According to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, President Trump plans on ordering a “drastically shortened version” of each government-focused song from Schoolhouse Rock!

Game Night: Avoid Solving Crimes and Doom Japan in ‘Urban Myth Dissolution Center’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I didn’t get the chance to play Urban Myth Dissolution Center at last year’s PAX West, but it was lurking over my shoulder. A prominent booth near several of my other appointments featured UMDC, with enormous key art that featured some guy staring at me with ominous intent. I figured I’d have to check it out eventually, if only to find out what it was.

UMDC came out this week, and it turns out that it’s a detective-themed visual novel about solving folklore crimes. The vibe can be adequately described as a PG-13 season of “Scooby-Doo”; it’s a spooky all-ages story about a teenage detective who has the worst first day at a new job since Leon Kennedy.

You play UMDC as Azami Fukurui, a university student in Japan who’s started seeing strange spirits everywhere she goes. Worried that she’s going crazy, she decides to visit the offices of an obscure government organization called the Urban Myth Dissolution Center to see if it can help her.

The Center’s director Meguriya explains to Azami that what she’s seeing are actually images of the recent past, as she’s weakly clairvoyant. Meguriya gives her a pair of special glasses that allow Azami to focus her gift to the point where it’s useful, but also blackmails her into working for the Center as a field investigator.

Azami’s clairvoyance gives her the potential to become a great detective, and her job at the Center is to determine the truth behind sightings of the supernatural throughout the city. However, her appearance at the Center is also apparently the first confirmation of a prophecy that foretells the end of the world.

UMDC plays out over the course of 6 episodes, each of which is built around a new case. Notably, Azami isn’t sent to actually solve crimes, but instead, to figure out the truth behind reports of paranormal activity. Sometimes someone’s using an urban myth as cover for something more mundane; other times, there actually is something supernatural going on, even if it’s just Azami herself. Either way, Azami’s job is to flag the specific phenomena and clear out. She’s not a cop.

In each scene, your goal is to discover a set number of possible clues through interviews, exploration, monitoring social media feeds, and using Azami’s clairvoyance to get hazy visions of past events. Once you’ve got enough information, you can put together Azami’s working hypothesis through a simple word puzzle, then present your conclusions to Meguriya to close the case.

The first real hurdle to enjoying UMDC is that it’s absolutely aimed at a young teenage audience. If you’re an adult with any taste for mysteries at all, you’ll likely figure out each of UMDC’s cases about half an hour before Azami does. You have to cut Azami some slack, as she’s explicitly traumatized from the jump and only becomes more so over the course of the game, but I can only take so much haplessness in a protagonist at once.

The second issue is the same problem I had with Vampire Therapist: UMDC doesn’t appear to have any failure conditions. You can’t miss any clues and I couldn’t get Azami to move forward with a flawed hypothesis. There’s nothing at stake here besides wanting to see what happens next.

That being said, I probably would’ve gone crazy for UMDC when I was about 12. It’s a young-adult interactive horror manga in the spirit of something like Goosebumps or “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”, with a love of creepy monsters and weird history. There’s even an occasional halfway decent moral, like “don’t be a dick on social media.”

Urban Myth Dissolution Center falls into a critical blind spot, as I’m well outside its obvious target audience. For adults, it’s slowly paced, features some entry-level pseudo-mysteries, and revolves around a few obnoxious story beats. Azami simply rolls with every punch she’s given, rather than ever exhibiting the slightest hint of a spine, and it makes her hard to empathize with. (The American adaptation of UMDC begins the same way, but the moment Meguriya starts the blackmail plot, American!Azami tases him and runs for the door.)

On the other hand, if you know a kid who’s a big manga and/or horror fan, UMDC would be perfect for them. It’s a gateway product by design, made as a useful introduction to a few interesting, potentially socially devastating topics at once. As an elder weirdo, anything that’s meant to inform and create future generations of young weirdos has my uncritical support.

[Urban Myth Dissolution Center, developed by Hakababunko and published by Shueisha Games, is now available on Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 5, and PC via Steam for $17.99. This column was written using a copy of the Steam version that was purchased by Hard Drive.]

Stardew Valley Residents Face Rise in Situationships

Posted on by Jake Mooney

PELICAN TOWN — A phenomenon seeing a rise in short-term, noncommittal relationships has hit Stardew Valley, and residents are left with mixed opinions and broken hearts, forlorn sources confirmed.

“Personally, I think they’re great,” JojaMart employee Shane expressed. “I think it’s unsustainable to limit yourself to just one person. Sometimes you want to hit the community center with one guy, then go to the movies with another. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that; it’s liberating in a sense. I like getting to experience new things with new people; it’s so interesting to see how everyone reacts to being given a rock!”

Other residents have expressed frustration and heartbreak at the situationships, deriding them as unsustainable and harmful to one’s self-worth.

“Shane said that?” Alex, bartender at the Stardrop Saloon, lamented in disbelief. “Well I’m happy he was able to move on that easily! Some of us are still picking up the pieces of our shattered heart, left only with the lingering memory of what once was. Desire is messy and chaotic, but loyalty should triumph over everything. We can’t just jump from one person to the next and expect that to fill some emotional void. Did the rocks he gave me mean NOTHING?”

This recent surge in ephemeral flings has already had effects on the residents of Pelican Town, with many seeking therapy to work through their feelings of having their relationships end before they have even been defined.

“People started getting into these short-term couplings and all of a sudden I’m busier than ever,” Penny—Pelican Town’s resident therapist—explained while trying to hide her glee. “So many of my clients have suffered from the sudden fallout of these so-called ‘situationships.’ These couples only talk to each other once a day, and show affection by giving each other two gifts a week… and they do this to everyone! I have yet to see a single client whose partner has reached out more than once. It’s sad to see, but I have to admit, my practice has never been better!”

At press time, Penny has been forced to fire a couples’ therapist from her practice as a result of nobody in town defining their relationship.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Here’s 10 Games That Are “Just Commercialist Nonsense, Honey”

Posted on by Peter Cunis

It’s the most romantic time of the year! Of course, we all know that Valentine’s Day is just a big capitalist plot to sell you candy and overpriced Hallmark cards, and it doesn’t actually mean anything and it’s totally fine that some of us forgot to get anything for our significant others.

But as long as we’re all playing the ridiculous game that corporate America has built for us, WE GUESS we’ll put together a list of games you can play to celebrate if it means THAT MUCH to you. Just remember that we’re doing this because we care about you, not because we buy into all this commercial crap.

It Takes Two

Oh great, let’s take something as wonderful as two parents working out their issues through what is clearly a thinly-veiled metaphor for sex therapy, then charge $20 for it. Sure, spend $20 that could have gone towards that rainy-day vacation fund.

Overwatch 2

Yes, we love playing this, but come on! You know all this cuteness and optimism is just a facade, right? This game is a business, at the end of the day.

Helldivers 2

Like, it’s not as though there’s any real, historical basis for Super Earth. It’s an invention of game studios that want you to shell out cash.

Civilization 6

Gandhi was a real historical figure, and sure, he’s worth remembering, but you know he wasn’t really the leader of India, right? They’re just using his name to get you to spend your hard-earned gold.

Dragon Age: Origins

Buy your way to someone’s heart with gifts! Yeah, the ONLY WAY to show someone you care for them is to buy chintzy crap. Grow up.

Mario Kart 8 Deluxe

Okay, sorry. “Grow up” was not a nice thing to say. We said that out of anger. It’s just that we’re here with you every day of the year; why do we need a $60 racing game to prove that we still care?

Pong

Hey, come on. Stop crying. Look, it’s Pong! Remember we used to love Pong? And we can play Pong every day of the year, not just in February.

Marvel Rivals

This game is free! We could play this!?! Yes, yes, Marvel isn’t really your thing, but I think you’ll still like it. Look, it’s Groot! You like Groot, right?

Donkey Kong Country Returns HD

Yeah, you have a point. It’s expensive, but it does bring back good memories. It’s just…okay, fine, we’ll let it go. You’re right. You win. Forget everything we said. Let’s just have a nice time tonight.

Astro Bot

It’s just a really good game.

Marvel Increases Movie Ticket Prices to Cover Rising Cost of Hidden Easter Eggs

Posted on by RJ Dralle

BURBANK, Calif — To combat inflation in America, Marvel Studios announced earlier this morning that they will be raising their movie ticket prices in order to cover the rising cost of hidden easter eggs.

“It’s already hard enough to afford anything after giving Robert Downey Jr. another billion dollars. Now with egg prices going up, we had to do something,” stated Marvel Studios CEO Kevin Feige.

Feige told reporters that this was not the first idea they had to help alleviate the price hike for themselves.

“We first thought about not having any more easter eggs in our films. But people love seeing an infinity stone hidden somewhere or a nod to X-Men who we’ll never actually give a real movie to,” said Feige. “We then had another idea that we would cover the hidden easter eggs with a paywall where audience members could scan a QR code to see what was hiding in the scene. But that got complicated when we realized that most of our movies are just one big easter egg for another movie.”

While the price hike may deter fans from going to the theaters, Marvel Studios assured fans that the extra price is worth it.

“We don’t want to spoil anything for the new Captain America: Brave New World movie, but the hidden easter egg rhymes with Schmephisto,” teased director Julius Onah.

Disney CEO Bob Iger also spoke to reporters about the recent egg price hike before boarding his private jet leaving for his French château.

“Look! We are all hurting with these price hikes. But you have my word that Disney will never hike the price of easter eggs within our streaming services.”

At press time, Disney Plus announced a membership price increase for those who want to see easter eggs in any Disney movie including Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar.

What Your Marvel Rivals Main Says About How You’ll Die

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Every good gaming journalist knows that who you choose to main in “Marvel Rivals” says a lot about who you are as a person: your star sign, your favorite color, maybe even what you ate for breakfast this morning. But did you know that such a choice also has grim implications for the method by which you’ll meet your mortal end? That’s right! Your go-to “Marvel Rivals” character reveals the exact way you, the reader, will eventually perish, and we’ve used our crystal ball to lay out the precise, agonizing, gory details of it all. Keep scrolling to find out how you die!

Iron Man

If you’re an Iron Man main, a classic and ironic twist of fate is in store for you: you’ll be run over by a self-driving Tesla that didn’t see you because its AI was watching Bridgerton on one of those big-ass screens. Jarvis, play “Despacito”, please.

Captain America

If you main Captain America, you’re probably a true patriot who loves your country through and through. ‘Murica, brother. Unfortunately for you, the infrastructure of that very country is what will kill you. You guessed it: your health insurance won’t cover the cost of expensive medical bills. It won’t be the ailment that actually does you in, but rather the heart attack you’ll have upon seeing the amount you’re being charged.

Thor

Unfortunately for the Thor mains out there, the one thing the God of Thunder can’t smite with Mjolnir is his crippling beer addiction. Your own proclivity for hops-fueled IPAs and hearty Irish stouts will eventually lead to death by alcohol poisoning.

Hulk (or “The Hulk” if ya nasty)

Hulk mains basically think they’re invincible, and ‘twill be hubris that leads to their downfall. I wouldn’t put it past you guys to step in front of a truck to stop it or try to jump off of a tall building because you think you’ll hit the superhero landing. There is also a chance you’ll wear your heart out trying to pick up a heavy boulder like it’s Wolverine.

Spider-Man

You will die via strangulation by your friends after telling them you main Spider-Man.

Black Widow

I know what you’re thinking, you sick pervs. “Uh-huh-huh, death by snu-snu”, “smothered by thighs”, etc. Well, get those thoughts out of your head! Only the female Black Widow mains get death by snu-snu. The rest of you will be taken out by a Russian firing squad.

Hawkeye

Like Ralphie’s mom tells him in A Christmas Story, “you’ll shoot your eye out!” Either that or you’ll fall to your death trying to zipline down from the second floor of your house into your backyard. The crystal ball is a little fuzzy sometimes.

Black Panther

Bad news for Black Panther mains: you will all be killed by your mothers after you accidentally scratch your younger sibling in the face trying to emulate his Vibranium Claws. You can’t see me, but I’m doing a “Wakanda Forever” salute in your honor.

Scarlet Witch

Scarlet Witch’s ult and overall moveset is one of the most powerful in the game’s roster, and it may cause you new fans to want to read more about Wanda in the comics. Doing so, however, will inevitably cause psychic damage so severe that you will pass away instantly. House of M fans will understand.

Namor

Namor is essentially Marvel’s coolest incel, and you, his mains, have been pepper-sprayed in the face so many times you’ve built up an immunity at this point. But one of these days you’re going to let loose one comment that’s too out-of-pocket and the “Sue Storm” you’re pursuing will turn around and beat you to death – in public, no less.

Iron Fist

Iron Fist mains, you will break every bone in your bodies after trying to do his signature triple jump/aim a flying kick at the Bruce Lee posters on your concrete dorm walls. Even in death, you have to admit: kind of deserved.

The Punisher

Gunned down by cops outside the school you’re shooting up.

Squirrel Girl

Anyone who mains Squirrel Girl is either in jail or deserves to be. You’ll be taken out in the most fitting way possible: a perfectly-flung rock to the head from a makeshift slingshot two cells over. You’ll probably just want the obituary to say you were shanked by a rival gang or something, though.

Moon Knight

I just know you Moon Knight mains are all booking flights to Egypt and getting lost in the desert after your therapists told you you need to get out more. Unfortunately, not even Marc’s mighty ult can save you from heat stroke and dehydration. Just hope Khonshu doesn’t resurrect you.

Luna Snow

I’m gonna be completely and utterly transparent with you all, here: even as a comic book fan, I had no idea who Luna Snow was before writing this list. But it seems like she’s Marvel’s answer to D.Va from Overwatch, except with ice powers. She’s a K-Pop star, so I’ll say that you all will probably get trampled by the crowds trying to get to the front of a Blackpink show and mosh. Yeah, that seems pretty fitting.

Wolverine

If you’re a Wolverine main, I can only guess that you really enjoy being double-bounced on the trampoline in your backyard. And unfortunately, that’s exactly how you’ll bite it: getting a little too much air and underestimating how high you’ve gone. What goes up must indeed come down…sorry it doesn’t work exactly like the Hulk team-up ability.

Magneto

Continuing with the X-Men theme, I have good news for the Magneto mains. You get to go out in perhaps the most based way of all: killin’ Nazis. There are lots of ‘em popping up again nowadays, and you’re the ones who’ll take one for the team in the pursuit of justice (and by that I mean taking a bullet to the head while going absolutely ham on some alt-right motherfuckers.) I’m not even a Magneto main and even I can admit, that’s pretty awesome.

Storm

Now, I could say that you’ll die by getting struck by lightning or whatever, but in reality, I think the more likely outcome is that all you Storm mains will die because you’ll be ogling at Ororo’s sheer magnificence as your partner walks into the room.

Magik

Magik mains, you will inevitably slice yourselves up with the model knight’s sword that’s hanging on your walls after you try to replicate her Magik Slash. Either that or you’ll fall down the stairs and break your neck at Comic-Con after finding that your replica of her sword is way too heavy.

Psylocke

Ah, the elusive Psylocke main. You probably think your martial arts and swordsmanship skills are pretty sharp, huh? THINK FAST- haha, just kidding. This is an article, I can’t see you. But for real, you will die when your Iron Fist-main partner accidentally closes your throat with a karate chop during a sparring session.

Doctor Strange

You Doctor Strange motherfuckers will kick the bucket after you summon a demon to help you “get better at the game.” Some real Fullmetal Alchemist shit.

Loki

Much like the Namor mains, and the real Loki himself, it’s your own obnoxious mouths that are going to bring about your eventual doom at the hands of someone much bigger and stronger than you – but just when everyone thinks you’re down for the count, it turns out that you were alive the whole time…or were you?

Jeff The Land Shark

You people will die trying to pet some animal that could very easily rip you apart. And it will, and you’ll deserve it.

Hela

Lucky for Hela mains, your deaths will be rather exciting: you’ll be right in the middle of trying out some real kinky shit in the bedroom. Whips, flogs, chokers and the like…but it will go too far very quickly. That’s what you get for telling your partner you suddenly want to “experiment” more.

Venom

Oof, I wouldn’t wish this one on my worst enemy. In your futures, Venom mains, my crystal ball sees an alien abduction and subsequent experimentation on you until death. Luckily, when the aliens arrive on Earth, we can feed you all to them first. Let’s just hope they don’t bring symbiotes with them.

Cloak & Dagger

Now, there are a couple of ways this could go, and each is equally painful. In one vision, I see you visiting the city of London and getting stabbed in a dark alley because you weren’t careful about where you were going. In another, I see you taking your own life after you were cancelled for writing some really weird things about interracial couples on X.

Star-Lord

Picture this: you’re in the midst of listening/singing along to your very-finely-curated 70’s rock playlist (that you did NOT just get from James Gunn) while out on a leisurely drive in your newly-restored Chevy Vega. The music will be so loud, however, that you won’t notice the 18-wheeler speeding towards you at the intersection.

Rocket Raccoon

You tech-and-firearm-obsessed fiends will meet your maker by way of finally getting your hands on that assault rifle that your MAGA neighbor offered to sell you. All shiny and new, you’ll lift the heavy thing to fire at some targets in your backyard, and the recoil will instantly crush your entire rib cage. Did that one go the way you thought it was going to? I bet it didn’t.

Groot

You may be Groot, but you’re also dead as hell, boy. Your green thumb-lookin’ ass will probably be walking through a field or meadow and stop to smell the roses, only the plant you actually picked up wasn’t roses, but poison hemlock. Should’ve consulted the field guide, there, buddy.

Mantis

You will die from eating too many bugs.

Winter Soldier

Sorry, soldats, but Winter Soldier mains will be killed by a Ukrainian infantryman after you travel to Russia and are conscripted into their army (they need every able-bodied person they can get on the front lines.) I don’t make the rules, I just read what the ol’ ball tells me. Your sleeper agent instincts are bound to kick in.

Adam Warlock

Adam Warlock mains, you people confuse me – being a healing support character is great and all, but out of all the iconic characters in Marvel’s roster, you choose this guy? Anyway, your untimely demise will arrive when you huff too much spray paint trying to get your skin all shiny and golden for Comic-Con.

Peni Parker

All of the Peni Parker mains have a sacred duty to pilot the EVAs and prevent the coming of the Third Impact. Unfortunately, that does mean you will probably be killed by an Angel along the way. Any other weebs get that one? Nice.

Mr. Fantastic

If you’re a Mr. Fantastic main, you like things that are new and are probably a bandwagon player. You will die after a vein in your forehead pops when arguing with other players online about whether Reed is smarter than T’Challa and Tony Stark, but more importantly, how far his massive cock can stretch.

Invisible Woman

Hey, quick question: are you a big Jessica Alba fan? Actually, never mind, don’t answer that. Invisible Woman is the latest Marvel character to join the Rivals roster, and if you main her, you’re probably pretty shy. Your demise will come after a metal curtain rod falls directly on your head as you hide from your mother, who’s yelling at you for not making your bed or doing any dishes all week.

Letterboxd User Gives Movie Two Star Rating As If It Actually Fucking Mattered

Posted on by Peter Collier

NEW YORK — A Letterboxd user known as BuzzedLightyear has created a media firestorm after scoring one of the year’s biggest blockbusters with a two star rating.

“Aaron Taylor-Johnson is this films only saving grace,” says Mr. Lightyear in his lengthy, expletive-ridden review on the app. “It was so dark, so dull, and so diverted from the original source material, that even ATJ can’t save this one.”

Letterboxd is a free platform open to any cinephile or first time movie watcher. However, many of the 17 million users on Letterboxd are involved in the entertainment industry in some form or fashion, which makes the 2 star review such a controversial issue.

“I mean, I wouldn’t go below a three [stars]. Ever,” said a friend of BuzzedLightyear, who asked to remain anonymous as he is an aspiring actor. “What if an actor in the movie sees my review? What if the Director sees it? What if a Hollywood Producer sees it. Buzzed isn’t in the industry but now he’ll never be able to break in if he wanted,” he continued. When asked to comment further, the friend raised one hand as he dialed his agent’s phone number with the other.

BuzzedLightyear’s review was so controversial, it reached Letterboxd Founders Matthew Buchanan and Karl Von Randow’s inboxes.

“We never expected anyone would dare go below a three-star rating,” said Buchanan, “we forgot film enthusiasts love to shit on work they had no hand in creating.” When asked what he would score Kraven the Hunter [the movie at the center of all this controversy], Mr. Von Randow admitted “I mean, yeah, I’d probably give it a two as well.”

At press time, when asked if he had any regrets scoring the film so low, Mr. Lightyear shouted “NO! AND I’LL DO IT AGAIN IF I HAVE TO,” with James Cagney flare, before being handcuffed and hauled off in a police car.

Visibly Aroused Phil Spencer Sits in Corner Watching Xbox Game Played on PS5

Posted on by Simon Bower

REDMOND, Wash — Local gamer Billie Reed was surprised late last night when they noticed Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer watching from a dimly lit corner of the room while they played a first-party Xbox game on their PlayStation 5.

“I’d heard a lot of good things about Pentiment, so when I saw it was 50% off on PlayStation I figured I’d pick it up,” Reed posted to social media. “Almost immediately I started to hear these weird groaning sounds…but since the game’s set in medieval Bavaria I thought maybe that was just the voice-acting? It was only when I went to quit the game and a voice behind me moaned ‘please, don’t stop’ that I turned around and saw Phil Spencer, seated in an armchair in the corner, face lit only by the glow of the cigarette dangling from his lips. ‘Don’t look at me,’ he whimpered, ‘just keep playing.’”

Reed went on to describe in detail how Spencer, dressed in a Battletoads T-shirt and nothing else, seemed to take perverse pleasure in watching them play the formerly Xbox-exclusive narrative adventure game on what he repeatedly described as a “superior hunk of hardware”.

“As I played, he kept talking about how I could have gotten this game for free on Game Pass,” Reed continued, “Then he asked if I had a Nintendo Switch, and when I told him I didn’t, he transferred $1000 to my bank account so that he could watch me order one, along with a copy of Hi-Fi Rush. Leaning over my shoulder, he whispered ‘You know we put out that game, it was a big success and then we shut down the studio anyway? We’re soooo naughty.’”

At a press conference earlier today, the Microsoft Gaming CEO breathily explained that he sees this kind of console cuckoldry as the future of the industry.

“I know some Xbox fans are concerned as they watch me watch more of our IP ported to stronger, more virile consoles,” began Spencer after unzipping the mouth of his gimp mask, “Our dream is that this leads to a more polyamorous future for gaming: where Neil Druckmann can lay handcuffed to his bed watching The Last of Us Part II on a Switch 2, or Shigeru Miyamoto can self-flagellate while you play Super Mario Odyssey on whatever our next Xbox is called.” Spencer began grinding the podium as he continued. “But our naughty little consoles haven’t earned that yet, so no matter how much we beg and plead for Sony and Nintendo to give us what we want, Xbox isn’t going to get that release it – oh god – so desperately needs.”

At press time, Spencer could be heard ferociously moaning from the bathroom after the topic of Halo coming to PS5 was brought up.