Game Night: Unravel Decades of Family Drama in ‘The Roottrees Are Dead’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

The Roottrees Are Dead is a nostalgia project, but not in the way you’d think.

It’s an “armchair detective” game set in late 1998, which challenges you to piece together a big family’s dysfunctional history by digging through memoirs, magazines, library archives, and the early home Internet.

If it took place in 2012, you’d do 90% of the same work by creeping on millennials’ Facebook accounts; if it was set in 2025, half the libraries would be too underfunded to keep their archives online and all your Internet search results would inexplicably be ads for dick pills. I can’t accuse Roottrees of idealizing the past, but I have to envy its comparative lack of informational clutter.

You might’ve heard of Roottrees well before now. It was originally published as a browser game on Itch.io by Jeremy Johnston, who created it for a game jam in 2023. Johnston subsequently handed development on Roottrees over to Robin Ward, who rebuilt the game from the ground up in the Godot engine.

Ward’s version of Roottrees was released on Steam on Jan. 15. It features an improved UI, an expanded story, and a bonus scenario that follows up on the events of the original game, as well as replacing the original game’s Midjourney art with original paintings by Henning Ludvigsen.

In December of 1998, Carl Roottree and his family are killed in a plane crash. Carl was the president of his family business, the Roottree Candy Company, while his 3 daughters Rhayna, Rhose, and Rhiley were famous fashion models for their mother Brenda’s clothing line. Between them, the 5 Roottrees were worth over a billion dollars.

Due to a provision in Carl’s great-grandfather Elias’ will, the Roottree fortune is shared among Elias’ direct descendants. With Carl and his daughters dead, a significant amount of that fortune is up for redistribution. However, it’s no longer clear just who is and isn’t a Roottree by blood.

That’s where you come in. You’re an unseen, faceless genealogist with no connection to the Roottrees. Two days after the crash, an anonymous client hires you to reconstruct the family tree, starting with Elias and his wife Gwyneth, to figure out who’s got a legal claim to the Roottrees’ money.

Roottrees is self-consciously inspired by Return of the Obra Dinn. Your goal is to map out 5 generations of the Roottrees as thoroughly as possible, using a handful of starting clues, a list of names, and your trusty 56K modem.

The family tree is initially empty, but you can complete each entry by correctly matching a person with a photo and their most recent occupation. Every time you get 3 family members right, the board locks and you move forward. As you fill in more of the family tree, however, evidence gets harder to find and it takes more correct guesses to lock entries in.

To figure out who’s who, you gather information through the search engine on your character’s desktop PC, as well as the local library and online periodical archives. Every successful search could give you a useful clue, or at least provide a hint as to your next steps.

Notably, Roottrees doesn’t hold your hand in any significant way. A number of the game’s UI elements are explained as being part of your character’s intuitive process, like being able to see how many vital clues are left in a given piece of evidence, but there’s no other indication (i.e. colored text) whether a given detail may or may not be important. You’re expected to chase down every lead, no matter how irrelevant. When I got stuck, it was usually because I was either reading too fast or I hadn’t been diligently doing a websearch for every new proper noun.

Last week, when I was playing Urban Myth Dissolution Center, I complained about how it forces you to operate at its own glacial pace. Roottrees, conversely, drops a massive stack of information on your head like a sack of gravel, then leaves you alone to sort through it.

It’s got the same addictive thrill as a complicated jigsaw puzzle. If one part of the family tree is slowing you down, there’s nothing to stop you from leaving it alone and going after an easier win. Many of the clues are initially hidden in irrelevant asides or as throwaway details in a photo, and it’s satisfying whenever you get two seemingly disparate facts to click together.

That being said, one thing that harms the experience for me is Roottrees’ occasional reliance on moon logic. A few crucial parts of the first case are only solved via requiring a big intuitive leap. One involves judging at a glance which of two nearly identical men is older; another character’s sole identifying detail is buried five links deep in a seemingly unrelated subject; and a few different characters simply have no Internet presence for no particular reason. There’s a whole branch of the Roottrees who work in show business, and the game makes it difficult to find reliable information about them despite the fact that IMDB existed in 1998.

That quirk of puzzle design only qualifies as a minor speed bump in the base game, but as noted above, the Steam version includes a new scenario. In Roottreemania, you’re re-hired eight months later to determine which if any of several newly-discovered illegitimate children might be a direct descendant of Elias Roottree.

My primary issue with Roottreemania is that it’s treated like an add-on pack rather than a sequel. You’re opening another investigation on top of the old one, and many clues from the first scenario come into play from the second. However, many isn’t all, which means there’s no way to know what’s relevant from the base game unless you laboriously go through everything all over again.

It might be a semi-realistic portrayal of this kind of work, but it’s a slog, and it locks many of the puzzle solutions behind seemingly random deductive conclusions. There’s a deliberate artificiality to Roottreemania’s difficulty that brings down the entire experience, primarily by highlighting the base game’s worst tendencies.

(Also, I don’t know if it’s just me, but Roottreemania’s main plot hinges on a big twist that I figured out in the first 10 minutes, then had to sit on for about two hours. That was a little annoying.)

The first scenario, on the other hand, is an all-timer. The Roottrees Are Dead is a solid example of a woefully underpopulated subgenre. Not every facet of the game is created equal, and I’d just skip Roottreemania, but it’s a nice balance of mundane drama and deductive challenges. I’m already planning to put a couple of my mystery-obsessed relatives in front of it to keep them busy next Christmas.

[The Roottrees Are Dead, developed by Robin Ward from an original project by Jeremy Johnston and published by Evil Trout, is now available on Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a copy of the game purchased on Steam by Hard Drive.]

Elon Musk Shocked to Learn He is Not the First Person to Jerk It to Hentai in the White House

Posted on by Eddie Feeley

WASHINGTON — Late last night, Elon Musk issued a statement on X (Formerly Twitter.com) revealing that he discovered he was not the first person to masterbate to hentai in The White House.

“I was sitting in the Oval Office alone, because I can be, and decided to indulge in one of the only good things to come out of Japan,” Musk posted, never one to shy away from his sexual habits. “After I finished beating my meat within an inch of its life, I got curious to see if I was the first person to ever jerk it to hentai in The White House. I just like to think like that. I’m a trendsetter. It wasn’t a school night, so I had my team of DOGE officials look to see if anyone has ever logged into some of my go to hentai sites, such as *****, *****, or my favorite, Deviantart.”

*Hard Drive has censored the names of these sites, as they are not only full of incredibly pornographic images but also loaded with various computer viruses.

Musk’s team found that the first person to access these sites from the White House was back in 2003. An anonymous source has come forward claiming to be the person who did it first.

“Well, I was coming toward the end of my first term and was feeling pretty stressed,” said an anonymous source from his ranch home in Crawford, Texas. “My wife Laura was out of town and I was stuck in the office. I found myself on a unique side of the interwebs. Toons of women of various ages in compromised situations, their mouths wide and wet, flush with frustration. Well, it opened my eyes up to a lot of things. Got me into art among other things. Here, let me show you some pieces I made based on this. It’s an ongoing series where this young woman travels across our great nation and gets into all kinds of sexual situations.”

During a press conference in The White House earlier today, President Donald Trump was asked to comment on Musk’s findings.

“I don’t find that surprising. Lots of sickos on Sleepy Joe’s team,” Trump said. “I don’t really get this hentee stuff. Elon keeps trying to show me some videos. Not my style. I’ve seen a naked woman and an octopus together like that, and let me tell you, the girl doesn’t last that long. It wasn’t bad though. I always get hard watching something die in front of me.”

At press time, Barack Obama came forward claiming to be the first person to have a furry sex party in The Lincoln Bedroom simply stating “Good times”.

Microsoft’s Revolutionary AI Produces Sea of Thieves Season 15

Posted on by Dan Katz

TWYCROSS, United Kingdom — Just a day after announcing its revolutionary new video game generative AI model “Muse,” Microsoft owned studio Rare has used it to produce Sea of Thieves Season 15: Wild Things.

“Muse is already proving to be the best thing to come to Sea of Thieves since the Sovereign’s tent in Season 7,” said an excited Drew Stevens, Production Director at Rare. “Season 14 was so buggy and lifeless that players already thought it was created by AI, so now that Muse is here we can truly show what AI can do and prove that it really has been our development team behind all the rubber-banding and hit reg issues.”

Popular Sea of Thieves streamer HitboTC, who had become so disillusioned with the game that he ventured off to try his hand at Star Citizen, the “Sea of Thieves of Space,” said he is giddy at the thought of everything generative AI could bring to the game.

“Whoa baby, the shenanigans in Season 15 are going to be amazing – MommaBear coming in with the 37-month Tier 1! You’re a legend! – and I can’t wait to get back out on the seas with my sloopington for some tucks and steals,” said a vibrating HitboTC, bouncing in his chair. “Just think…AI can create all sorts of new fish for this Hunter’s Call-focused season. Red ones, glowing ones, legendary ones, even fish that don’t look like fish at all. And then we can catch them and sell them and catch them and sell them and grind, grind, grind, for the next cosmetic!”

Fellow streamer PhuzzyBond, known for his studious approach to Sea of Thieves, explained that he is looking forward to “sciencing” the new generative AI creations.

“I plan to devote an entire stream to determining if our distance from an island affects which new fish are generated and what percentage of them look like absolute garbage,” Phuzzy explained after taking a moment to tend to his hydroponic garden. “It might be hard to tell the difference because the game’s graphics look like they were made in Midjourney v1, but I am nothing if not thorough. In the end, though, everything is pointless,” he added. “It’s all a never-ending cycle of trying to earn the next ‘thing,’ but at least AI is here now to generate a new megalodon upon which we can all fixate for a week.”

At press time, players are still unable to get into the game because Muse siphoned too much power from the Sea of Thieves servers.

American Democracy Ending Explained

Posted on by Kate Danvers

American democracy looks like it’s coming to an end, and many questions still hang in the air about the fate of America and the broader America Centric Universe (ACU). The Republican plan to control the government has been in the works for many years, with gerrymandering, voter suppression, and mass disinformation campaigns paving the way for a second Trump presidency, but how do all of these elements lead up to the ending?

American Democracy in a Nutshell

America has had some form of democracy for hundreds of years, with the New England Colonies having elections as far back as the early 17th century. In most cases, citizens vote on issues or candidates to represent them. Over the years, there have been many plots to subvert democracy through elected officials acting against the will of the people, redistricting to ensure that opposing parties don’t have the numbers for state representation, and democracy’s toughest foe: the electoral college.

The 15th amendment, 19th amendment, and the Voting Rights Act of 1965 looked to combat some of the threats by introducing new voters and securing their right to vote, bringing equality to the process. All three have managed to stick around so far despite the best efforts of certain states and political parties.

Recent moves in the ACU have seen takeovers of local governments, poorly disguised voter suppression, and sowing doubt in the election system itself in a bid for power. That seems to have finally paid off with the ACU’s main villain seizing control of America. At this point, the plan goes into effect.

What is The Purge?

Popularized by the 2013 film, The Purge allows you to steal things and get rid of people you don’t like by making it legal for one day out of the year. Unlike the fictional version, the real life version still adheres to most of the laws of the land. Average citizens can’t steal, murder, or commit other crimes, but corporations, politicians, and wealthy people can. Though they did keep that one rule from the film that says you can’t harm government officials.

The real life Purge is a little more nuanced. Firing many government workers, taking control of key sectors, revoking security clearances, revoking citizenship, and writing “nuh-uh” in the margins of science textbooks. In moments, President Trump can eliminate the progressive half of the government with the stroke of a pen. It’s like the Infinity Gauntlet but with paperwork instead of magic gems.

How does American Democracy End?

With the deadly alliance of Elon Musk and Donald Trump in control of the White House and most of the public sector, things are looking pretty grim for the heroes. The duo make ready to enact their ultimate plan of turning America into an oligarchy, plutocracy, or kleptocracy (the plot isn’t really clear) and set their sights on the broader world.

At the last possible moment, the doors of the Capitol open and one by one, the Democrats make their way onto the battlefield. Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer lead the charge, followed by Cory Booker, Elizabeth Warren, and in a shocking crossover from the independent party, Bernie Sanders! They’re followed by every House and Senate Democrat until they’re all assembled on the steps. It’s a tense moment, the music briefly fades out before a close-up on Chuck Schumer as he says the line we’re all waiting for…

“Only you can stop this! Donate now!”

Chaos ensues as the Democrats kind of meander about on the Capitol steps, writing stern posts on Bluesky and Twitter, before just kind of wandering off.

In the Oval Office, Trump signs his name to the last executive order as Elon stands behind him doing that dorky jumping ‘X’ pose.

What happens next in the ACU?

Things look pretty bad. Republicans are in control of everything, no one with any kind of power stands to oppose them, and some dork named Big Balls is withholding your dad’s Social Security check. A post-credits scene teases the return of Nancy Pelosi, but most fans expect her to do precisely what she did before – nothing.

What’s left of the courts might put forward some kind of resistance, but they’ll need backing and leadership. Trump is a known abuser of the anti-everything shield, so any legal action taken against him will need to find a way around that. One thing is certain though, American Democracy will never be the same.

Although it remains to be seen if the ACU will ever regain the cultural relevance it once had as Donald Trump’s approval rating currently sits at 46.6% with an audience score of 25%.

Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring Twitter Profitable

Posted on by Corey Arbor

WASHINGTON — In a real turnaround from its decades of financial ruin, President Donald Trump signed an executive order declaring that, actually, Twitter is, always has been and always will be, profitable and that there’s “nothing the woke DEI mob can do to stop it.”

“Today marks a momentously momentous moment in our Glorious Great Nation’s Extensive History, as the greatest social media platform of all time moves out from under the very wrong, very bad, very incorrect notion that it’s ‘a digital pit for setting real money on fire’ and is ‘overrun with bots that neither spend money on advertised products nor accurately account for the goings-on of reality,’ and into the 20th century as the MOST PROFITABLE AND BEST PLATFORM EVER,” The President posted exclusively to Truth Social immediately after signing the order.

Elon Musk, Twitter owner, CEO, and catalyst for a mass-exodus of advertisers, was ecstatic at the news.

“Honestly, after spending billions of dollars to prove I was shadow-banned, a real thing I am still fighting and will never give up on, I’m just happy and thrilled that reality has finally caught up to what I’ve always known in my heart and my gut: I have money, I’m right. No one else is more right than me.” Musk later clarified that the President had potential to be more right than him, under the correct circumstances.

DOGE officials celebrated the move, releasing terabytes of private information freely onto the platform in celebration.

“There was a great man who carried the wisdom of our forebears and founders when he said: If the President does it, it’s not a crime. I believe his name was Ronald Milhouse Reagan and his reich will last a thousand years!” the official later clarified he meant “reich” in the traditional Autistic twitch/Roman sense.

At press time, Congressional Democrats assured voters that with a few dollars more, they could start to look into the legality of any of this.

Nosferatu 4K UHD to Include Post-Coital Cigarette

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Physical media fans getting their hands on the 4k UHD of Nosferatu this week will be in for a surprise when they open their steelbook to find a single Marlboro Red cigarette.

Writer and Director, Robert Eggers, appeared on a promotional video on Twitter to announce the groundbreaking special feature in length.

“We’ve partnered with Philip Morris International to deliver a home viewing experience like no other,” Egger’s said before taking a long drag of a cigarette. “Included with each steelbook is a single loosey for your movie viewing enjoyment. Take a puff after each sex scene in Nosferatu and get that post-plow release that only Marlboro Red can give you.”

The video then depicts Egger’s enjoying his cigarette in silence. His eyes pierce the lens of the camera, as if he’s staring into the viewer’s soul. He finishes his cigarette, pulls out a copy of Nosferatu, and retrieves another Marlboro Red from the steelbook. 

“Nosferatu is a loveletter to my hardcore sickos,” Eggers said, flicking ashes from his cigarette into a steelbook. “Eggheads were tired of all my sex depraved characters. It reminded them of all the sex they weren’t having. So I caved and made a sexy movie full of sex. But now the fans are reminded even more of all the sex they’re not having. So, uh, the cigarettes are an apology to my sexless fans. Did I mention they were in the room with us when we filmed the sex scenes? Yep, even the one with the dead body. Now leave me alone, I’m off to make a movie about a sexless werewolf.”

Egger’s finishes another cigarette and pulls out another steelbook. He lights his third Marlboro Red as the disclaimer plays him off.

“Robert Eggers does not condone necrophilia or smoking tobacco,” the disembodied voice said at lightspeed. “You will never look as cool as Robert Eggers smoking a Marlboro Red, so don’t even try. If you’re thinking about watching Noseferatu and then complaining about inconsistencies on IMDB, please stick your feedback up your ass. Annoying Letterboxd reviewers should consider smoking a pack a day until they die.”

At press time, Eggers tweeted an image from the set of his latest film depicting a werewolf wearing a chastity belt, with the caption “Back to my roots.”

Simpsons Predicted It Again: I Have Acute Jaundice

Posted on by Shane Pauker

Most people will tell you The Simpsons got stale decades ago, but I’ve been watching this whole time. As far as I’m concerned, they’ve got their four-fingered hands on the pulse of culture. They’ve been here since Reagan and they know what’s gonna happen next. They predicted Trump’s presidency, Siegfried and Roy’s tiger attack, and that the 20th of the month would eventually fall on a Thursday. Little did I know that they were predicting my life, too: I’ve got jaundice and I’m as yellow as Homer.

I’m surprised that the writers were able to see this coming, considering I’ve never met them, but that shows the genius of the writing team! Heck, they had a bunch of Harvard guys like Conan O’Brian — the king of TBS! — on staff. They’ve put so much effort into making the show believable; it’s no wonder they’ve built a world that’s basically exactly the real world. I find some solace in knowing I can believe what those eggheads put on screen. As soon as I realized I had bulging eyes, three strands of hair, and neon-yellow skin, I knew where I could find representation on TV.

My doctor (who is kind of like real-life Dr. Hibbert) says that my habit of drinking Miller High Life (which is kind of like real-life Duff Beer) every day made health consequences inevitable. That seems pretty suspect to me. We live in reality. Just because Homer and I both go to a bar every day and are filled with hairpin rage doesn’t mean I’m going to turn out exactly like him. Doctors shouldn’t make diagnoses based on a sitcom. What’s next? Telling me I’m gonna turn out like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory just because I have an annoying roommate and I used to be young?

In spite of my doctor trying to scare me, I’m not worried. The prognosis is good. If I’m anything like my heroes, I’ve got 35 more happy years of progressive decline ahead of me.

Three Unarmed Civilians Shot After Cop Plays Area 51 Arcade Game

Posted on by Steve Packosky

DANBURY, Conn. – Three unarmed civilians were somehow struck by gunfire at Gamer’s Grove Classic Arcade after a police officer decided to play 1995 light gun game Area 51, sources report.

“I like to come in here during my breaks,” said the culprit, Officer Gary Rabowski. “I just love these old games; plus they help me unwind from my shifts. Unfortunately, I forgot how jumpy this one in particular makes me. I guess I must have used my actual gun when the game told me to fire off screen to reload, and it looks like I did it more than once, because there are several people lying around here with gunshot wounds. I’d say ‘my bad’, but I probably shouldn’t say anything that looks like an admission of guilt.”

Eyewitness Lauren Burke remarked on what she had seen.

“I was playing The Simpsons Arcade Game when I heard this series of deafening gunshots,” Burke commented. “I looked over and three arcade patrons had been shot near some idiot cop with a literal smoking gun in his holster at the Area 51 cabinet. The most shocking thing about it is that he just kept playing his game, and appeared to be completely unaware that he had just shot three innocent people who had been playing close by. I swear, they should just ban cops from this place entirely.”

Criminal justice reform expert Miguel Abarca weighed in on the situation.

“We’ve all seen countless incidents of jittery, trigger-happy police officers shooting people during traffic stops,” Abarca offered. “However, cases of them not even being able to play video games without committing manslaughter tend to get covered up. Whether that’s because the departments are embarrassed, or they simply know they can get away with it depends on the incident. I wish I could say this Rabowski guy is going to be punished for this appalling dereliction of duty, but we all know he’s going to be put on paid leave for a few weeks before getting away scot-free.”

At press time, Donald Trump has announced he will be awarding Rabowski the Presidential Medal of Valor.

Bobby Kotick Claims Activision Blizzard Lawsuits Were Just Scheme to Receive Compensation for Harassment

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Former Activision Blizzard CEO claimed that a lawsuit filed against the company by the state of California was a conspiracy organized by disgruntled employees to attain restitution for acts of discrimination and harassment.

“You look at these fake lawsuits against companies like us and Riot, and it’s wild,” said Kotick during an interview on Grift, a podcast produced by venture capital firm Kleiner Gurkens. “These wagies conspired against us in an unjust effort to stop us from not only extracting their labor, but demeaning them while doing so. It is the natural right of the tech executive and his court to treat his workforce as subhuman and grind them into dust. What compensation could we possibly owe them?”

Former EA executive Bing Gordon also appeared on the podcast and broadly agreed with Kotick.

“What these gray little peons don’t understand is that we who have been chosen to rule live under an immense burden,” said Gordon. “Sure, we may appear comfortable as we sit our cushioned throne surrounded by unimaginable riches, but the slime-covered slugs we call employees can’t see that there is a sword hung above our head suspended by a thread of barest gossamer: a sword inscribed with the words, ‘Possibly Not Making Even More Money.’ Under such conditions, you must forgive us the occasional aggressive sexual proposition or death threat. It’s not like your bodies or lives actually mean something the way ours do.”

Industry insiders noted that these reactions were common among wealthy tech investors and executives.

“You have to understand, they’ve been saying these things privately for years,” said Bryce Tang, who has written four separate biographies of Elon Musk. “They just thought they couldn’t say it all publicly or they wouldn’t be invited to cool parties. The advent of the second Trump administration made them all realize they could do or say whatever the hell they want, now. And it’s not just gaming execs. It’s Bezos, Zuckerberg, hell, even that weenie Steve Huffman from Reddit. They’re very small, pathetic men, and all they do all day is sit around and imagine that they’re actually impressive people and that any criticism of them is unfair. I’m sure Kotick has convinced himself that this lawsuit actually is bullshit.”

At press time, Kotick claimed that his name only appeared in Epstein’s black book due to a, “legitimate invocation of prima nocta.”

Boyfriend’s Fear of Commitment Doesn’t Apply to Watching Anime

Posted on by Sean Fallon

SEATTLE, Wash. — Alan Murk, a local boyfriend who has professed a fear of long-term commitment, reportedly watched the first episode of One Piece and intends to watch the whole thing.

“We’ve been together for years,” said Murk’s girlfriend, Pam Dylan, who has yet to formally meet his parents. “He’s told me we can’t move in together because it’s too fast and too big a move and he’s scared of being tied down. Yesterday I went to his place and I could hear the One Piece theme tune through the door. I would have preferred hearing another woman’s voice.” 

Anthony Ryland, a relationship expert, said this was a common behavior in young people who are commitment averse.

“We’re seeing more and more of this each year,” said Ryland, who is waiting for A Song of Ice and Fire to be finished by George R.R. Martin before he can propose to his boyfriend. “A man will pick up the first volume of Golgo 13, an ongoing Manga with 215 volumes, before they will introduce their girlfriend as anything other than their friend.”

Murk defended his choice as being the smartest move in the long run.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love Pam,” said Murk after finishing the Arabasta Saga. “But is she as dependable as Luffy? As Usopp? I mean, she hasn’t got a patch on Zoro. Once I hit episode 1000, I’ll be ready to talk about thinking about the conversation we could have about considering moving in together. Or maybe I’ll wait for Eiichiro Oda to finish the whole thing. Oh, I’ve just got a text from Pam. Yeah, she broke up with me.”

At the time of reporting, Murk decided that this is the perfect time to start watching every episode of classic Doctor Who rather than talking to his girlfriend about whether she should have a toothbrush that she leaves at his apartment.