ADELAIDE, South Australia — The second official patch for Hollow Knight: Silksong has gone public, and will significantly nerf every boss you’ve already beaten.
“We heard the complaints from the players and implemented an intuitive difficulty scaling script into the code,” said Brad Caneflower of Team Cherry. “Once you beat the boss on the difficulty we set, you will have intuitive knowledge of its attack patterns and phases, making the next attempt far easier in retrospect.”
These complaints of high difficulty came only hours after the game’s official release. Many took to social media to voice their frustration over simple early game bosses.
“These cheeky cunts didn’t even get past Act 1, a glorified tutorial, before complaining it was too hard,” said Team Cherry CEO Ari Gibson. “So we listened and patched in a new type of experience system in the game called ‘getting good.’ It’s an ingenious way of fighting, dying, and learning used by some of the oldest video games ever created.”
This patch isn’t exactly what the Silksong community had in mind when they went to the internet to complain.
“This game is impossible! Why is the down slash at a 45 degree angle? Why are all hits two hearts? Why do my thumbs and wrist hurt so much?” said popular Twitch streamer, HollowKnut69. “I waited 8 years for this game and can’t even get 8 minutes into it without wanting to strangle my first born child.”
Internet historians have marveled at the response this game’s difficulty has received.
“While 2017 seems like a long time ago, it really wasn’t, but for some reason there is a shared amnesia in the gaming community over what kind of game Hollow Knight was,” said Dr. Ken Pellicotti, Professor of Media Studies at Wales University. “That game was hard as hell! And entitled gamers assume the sequel would be dumbed down to their abilities, and that simply is not the case.”
At press time, Team Cherry has begun work on the game’s third patch that will add a laughing animation to every enemy that lands a hit on you.
TSUSHIMA, Japan — Former samurai and self-appointed Ghost of Tsushima Jin Sakai is pleading with the samurais left on the island to find common ground with the invading Mongol army in order for the two sides to work together.
“This island has been through enough division, now is not the time for us to be attacking one another. It’s time that we reach across the aisle and find common ground with the Mongols. We can accomplish so much more by working together. Further dividing the island will only cause more violence,” said Sakai. “We’ve lost a lot of good people on both sides and the best way to honor their memory is by uniting. After all, at the end of the day we all want what’s best for Tsushima.”
Sakai’s words were met with a mixed response by the prominent figures of the island.
“We absolutely do not need to find common ground with the Mongols. For Jin to say such a thing is a betrayal of the most vulnerable people on the island,” said Sakai’s top ally, Yuna. “These Mongols want us exterminated. There is no common ground with them. It’s a real sucker punch when someone you thought was an ally turns out to be a capitulating coward but unfortunately it seems to be the norm.”
When asked about working together with the Samurai to heal the division on the island, Mongol leader Khotun Khan was dismissive.
“I couldn’t care less about fixing the division on the island. This is our island and we’re going to eradicate the radical Samurai. We’re gonna make Tsushima great. Any of these samurai who we see engaging in or celebrating political violence will be rounded up and be given the utmost punishment, believe me. You are either with us or against us.”
At press time, Sakai has fired Yuna for jokes she made about the death of General Temuge.
PHILADELPHIA — Tragedy struck a local gamer this weekend after the location of an obvious wall jump spot had completely faded from memory hours if not days before the wall jump ability was unlocked, sources say.
“It was like saying goodbye to a friend you know you’re not going to see for a while,” said Brooklyn Summers, who picked up the recent Hollow Knight: Silksong under the false impression it wasn’t as BS as other Soulslikes. “I was having a fun time exploring with the bug lady when I came across this sheer vertical wall with a platform way up at the top. Now, I played the first Hollow Knight two presidencies and one transition ago; I know a wall jump spot when I see one. I figure I’ll remember where it is on the backtrack, so I just go back to playing. Cut to nine hours later, I’m balls deep in Hunter’s March with six rosaries to my name and a bench that’s trying to kill me, and the last thing on my mind is a piece of wall in an area I cheaped out buying the map for ages ago. Where is the map lady? Is she even in Pharloom anymore?”
Hampered by a steeper difficulty curve, other players expressed similar frustrations when it came to the game’s opaque sense of progression.
“It’s a lot to juggle,” said Neil Rossum, a 16 year-old gamer who never played the original Hollow Knight on account of it releasing half his life ago. “First, there’s the tighter in-game economy to wrap your head around. I’m talking benches that cost 30 rosaries. I’m talking benches that cost 60 rosaries. I’m talking benches that cost 80 rosaries and a platforming puzzle just so you can have a hard surface to plant your stick bug ass. And that’s to say nothing of the situational awareness Silksong requires you maintain at all times. The tricky platforming, the ambushes, the traps— you need to be paying attention. Every second you spend soaking up the atmosphere and admiring the beautiful art is a second you could have spent hitting every random wall that looks halfway crumbly like you’re a blind truffle pig with a nose for rosaries. So, forgive me if I don’t remember every wall jump, running jump, dash jump, wind current, floaty ring, padlocked door, and spider door location I pass. I’m just trying to survive, baby. This game is the next two months of my life and I couldn’t be happier.”
Though the game received overwhelmingly positive reviews from most outlets, Silksong’s developer Team Cherry took to social media to address some of the community’s sticking points.
“As developers, it’s important we listen to player feedback and ensure no one gets left behind— after all, this community is our family. And right now, our family is being little bitches,” said Team Cherry, who were quick to remind players they are not a multimillion-dollar video game company but rather three dudes in Australia who got their wish granted by a genie. “What, you want to not have to choose between buying map markers and a down payment on your house? You want a pogo jump that doesn’t send you flying into spikes at the speed of light? You want less gank fights in bigger arenas with shorter run-backs? Get your shit together, guys. Sinner’s Road is just ahead and the Bilewater bench costs 90 rosaries.”
“Don’t get us wrong, we’re thrilled with the reception our game has gotten,” continued the developers. “Sure, we may have over-tuned some stuff, and sure, the fact that we’ve been playing this game for the last eight years may mean our perception of what constitutes a reasonable challenge is divorced from reality, but frustration is a choice you make for yourself. The tools are all there for players to carve their own path through Pharloom. Invest in prayer beads. Change your crest to make jumps easier. Separate groups of enemies with the R3 aggro mechanic we forgot to explain or even hint at. Any way players can make the game easier is something we support— even if it does mean you’re less of a gamer for beating Sister Splinter post-patch.”
At press time, Summers had finally unlocked the Cling Grip ability and was looking forward to backtracking in some of the game’s easier areas, searching for fleas, and curb stomping whatever pushover early game boss is waiting at the end of the Chapel of the Beast.
You could accuse Stick It to the Stickman of belaboring its one joke, but in its defense, it’s a good joke. That joke is late-stage capitalism.
Now available for PC via Steam Early Access, Stickman starts out as a deliberately awkward brawler, with the sort of shaky control that’s typically reserved for games with the words “Totally Accurate” in their title. Everyone in Stickman moves like they’ve been drinking since noon yesterday and have black licorice for bone marrow.
Your goal, as a newly-hired employee of a nameless corporation, is to fight through your co-workers and confront your boss on the office roof. Win, and you’re appointed to your deceased boss’ position by a shadowy cabal of shareholders. Soon, a new hire will enter the building to repeat the cycle all over again.
At this point in its core loop, Stickman is a goofy roguelike beat-’em-up with a ton of different abilities and characters to unlock. It’s entertaining while it lasts, if a little insubstantial, but it’s fun to pick up whenever you’ve got 10 minutes to kill. It also lets you body-check a couple of dozen of your former co-workers out a 15th-story window, and in this house, we respect that kind of thing.
Once you’ve successfully completed a few runs, which is to say, once you’ve thrown the previous CEO off his roof like Geese Howard, Stickman abruptly opens up into a collection of dystopian minigames. I’ve played other roguelikes that would’ve settled for adding new maps and enemies and calling it a day, but Stickman turned out to have more ambition than that.
As you climb the corporate ladder at the behest of your eldritch shareholder masters, you unlock more and different businesses across the city map. Some of them send you back into the trenches to beat the hell out of your co-workers, while others ask you to (poorly) drive a car, commit multiple homicide, or work in the fulfillment center, which is, much like a normal Amazon warehouse, basically level 1-1 of Super Meat Boy.
Obvious disclaimer: this is an Early Access game, so everything I’ve written so far is subject to change. Stickman is stable and polished enough at time of writing to pass for an actual retail product, but the developers have continually added more abilities, classes, and upgrade paths in the couple of weeks that the game’s been out.
It’s worth noting that, maybe appropriately, Stickman ends up putting your nose to the grindstone. Every building you unlock has its own unique upgrade tree, you eventually have to deal with a stock-market mechanic, and you have to collect both cash and a bunch of different upgrade tokens in order to purchase specific facilities, bonuses, and passives.
In a game that exists as one big joke about the corporate rat race, some of its humor bleeds out when you’re expected to clock in every day and beat the hell out of the same 60 dudes in order to finally unlock the gym. I suppose that’s also part of the joke, how these people keep showing up to work at the “and then my co-worker superkicked me into live power lines” office, but it can wear thin.
To be fair, Stickman does mitigate some of that with the surgical pace of its various unlocks. Everything you do gets you something, and you accumulate a lot of weird abilities, enemy types, obstacles, difficulty levels, and build options as you go. You’re distinctly not playing the same game after an hour.
That’s something it could probably stand to call more explicit attention to, or maybe include a short cooldown on each building so you’re encouraged to vary up your approach. Stickman features some built-in mechanics that encourage you to avoid playing it in the most brain-numbing way possible, like how button-mashing stops being effective once you’ve picked up a few of the stronger movement abilities. I’ve put together some fun, fast-paced builds in Stickman, but if you aren’t paying attention, most of your combos end when you inevitably E. Honda sumo-headbutt your way out a window.
Stick It to the Stickman is the latest in a series of indie games I’ve played in the last year or so – see alsoMouthwashing andRepose – that feel like their creators are working out some of the psychic trauma from a bad job. With Stickman, I knew I was in for something memorable when I saw the Lovecraftian council of unknowable, unassailable shareholders, and its satire just gets darker from there.
Stickman’s a little repetitive by design, but I could see this being great on your Steam Deck, or if it comes to Switch, as a portable time-killer. For right now, it’s a decent, funny pick-up-and-play brawler with a lot of inherent flexibility, and its developers are updating it roughly once every 30 seconds. It’s a hell of a deal for five bucks.
[Stick It to the Stickman, developed by Free Lives and published by Devolver Digital, is available now for PC via Steam Early Access for $4.99. This column was written using a Steam code that was sent to Hard Drive by a Devolver Digital PR representative for no adequately explored reason.]
MEGA CITY — Robot hero Mega Man inflicted a prolonged, brutal beating upon his adversary Ice Man, according to horrified fellow level bosses who witnessed the attack.
“I kept trying to explain to him that I’m called Ice Man because of my ice powers,” said Ice Man from his hospital bed. “I have no affiliation with Immigration and Customs Enforcement. But he wouldn’t listen—he was blind with rage and kept attacking me over and over, calling me a ‘class traitor’. However, I would like to take this opportunity to add that I do have great respect for ICE and what they’re doing, and would love to help their mission any way I can. Plus that $50k signing bonus is a pretty sweet deal.”
Ice Man’s colleague Guts Man has had several run-ins with Mega Man in the past, but has never seen him deliver such a vicious assault.
“I’ve had my ass kicked by Mega Man a bunch of times,” said Guts Man. “We all have, but it’s never been anything personal. Mega Man and I have even gone out for beers a few times and he explained his real beef is with Dr. Wily. But what I saw when he went after Ice Man recently was totally different. He blasted Ice Man over and over with his arm cannon while yelling things like, ‘Eat this, fascist scum.’ Then he spent twenty minutes just slapping him around. I was going to intervene, but frankly, Ice Man’s always been kind of a prick and he sort of deserved it.”
Mega Man’s creator Dr. Light believes he can explain Mega Man’s uncharacteristic use of extreme violence.
“I programmed Mega Man to have a strong sense of justice, which has been on display throughout the years as he’s vanquished the creations of Dr. Wily,” said Dr. Light. “Due to recent geopolitical developments, I slipped in some new code that allowed for a more vigorous reaction when confronting the particular threat of fascism. It seems that in this case, Mega Man’s systems determined that Ice Man was a member of ICE, which explains his aggressive response. I may have to do a little more debugging still.”
At press time, Ice Man had appeared on a number of manosphere podcasts to insist he only lost the fight because he had a cold at the time.
Spoilers ahead for the unfortunate souls who haven’t experienced this modern day masterpiece. Let’s make this quick.. I need to write this up so I can get back to replaying Clair Obscur for the twelfth time. So here we go.
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take it all in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take it all in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
Oh shit. I was supposed to pick my kids up from karate three months ago.
EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Only slightly diverging from their tried and true formula, the latest installment of Jubilee’s hit YouTube series Surrounded features twenty screeching, nightmarish demons debating against returning guest Charlie Kirk.
A right-wing activist and Donald Trump disciple, Kirk perished today and was immediately condemned to the bowels of Hades forevermore. Though Kirk was initially shocked to find himself in the eternal lake of fire, he remained confident in his ability to spar with his tormentors in the free marketplace of ideas.
“My first claim,” Kirk began, “is that I absolutely do not belong here, oh God in heaven, why has the good Lord forsaken me?”
In a rush to fill the open chair across from Kirk, the twenty demons waged an unholy war that razed kingdoms and burned skies. In the end, the victor was Baal, the false god of Jezebel, who greeted Kirk with a friendly handshake.
“Firstly, I just want to thank you for all the sinful work you performed in the earthly realm,” said Baal. “I actually have a lot of respect for you. When millions of Christ’s followers turned their virginal ears to you, you planted the black seed of hate in their hearts. You sowed discord amongst God’s people, causing the righteous man to despise and distrust his brother, who had done no wrong. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess that answers your question. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. The guys upstairs really frown on that type of thing.”
The demons later took turns raking their claws along Kirk’s uncalloused flesh for 50,000 years of unedited screentime before resuming with the next segment. “My second claim,” Kirk continued, “is that I do not enjoy everlasting suffering.”
Abaddon, destruction personified, took a swing at this.
“I get where you’re coming from and you’ve made some decent points today,” belched forth his words. Though Abaddon made no sound, all heard him. “I concede that having a great bird eat your liver just for it to grow back in a never ending cycle wasn’t my best work. Bit derivative. But once you’ve spent a few centuries wallowing in pestilence, picking at your leprous scabs, and cannibalizing your children, you’re gonna be singing a different tune, I promise.” However, after a particularly smug retort from Kirk, Abaddon recoiled in disgust at the sight of his smile.
“My third claim is that you should all turn to Jesus and repent,” Kirk said. The most striking response came from Legion, the one who is many, who rebutted Kirk’s point by cackling in a hundred voices for about thirty minutes. All the while, Kirk constantly tried and failed to get a word in. At the conclusion of this display, Kirk and the Jubilee film crew found that their ears were oozing black blood.
Kirk concluded, “My fourth and final claim is that trans women are not women.” None of the demons moved to argue with Kirk; instead, all twenty agreed with this claim unanimously. They were subsequently all slaughtered by a heroic man in power armor.
WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT — On the night of September 9th at 10:30 PM Vice President JD Vance entered into yet another altercation with President Trump after staying up past his bedtime for the fifth night this week. Vice President Vance had spent the last 120 Hours playing a new Dating Simulator Date Everything!, attempting to speedrun a romantic relationship with the character Koa.
“He just has this really great energy about him! Those gorgeous arms that look almost hand carved, his scruffy little goatee, and I’m sure for other people it’s all about the cushions but I’m a notoriously classy and chivalrous guy. I can’t fully enjoy intimacy with a piece of furniture, cartoon or otherwise without first getting to know it.”
Vance continued to describe the character at length unprompted, salivating heavily while doing so. The mentioned character Koa is the human personification of a couch, described on the wiki as “a big guy with a relaxed, chill, and loveable vibe”. During the first 100 hours of Vance’s speed run the President expressed concern to the press.
“JD was a great kid, a great kid when we first brought him on to the team. But like many young men these days he’s taken to a digital lover. Can you believe this? These kids can’t have sex with any real furniture so they make a whole game where they can do it on the computer. It’s insane. That’s why we’re going to be getting rid of Medicaid.”
Other members of the GOP are more supportive of Vance’s endeavor. Mike Johnson, current record holder for the Dishy relationship speedrun and Speaker of the House, had this to say about Vance’s current grind.
“What sets this apart from other speed runs is the added level of vulnerability. When you’re speedrunning a Platformer or an RPG of course failure still hurts. But when you speedrun a dating sim each failure isn’t always a matter of skill and if you’re just unlovable some runs are even impossible for certain players, and that seems to be the problem JD is running into.”
At press time, Vance is nearing the 200 hour mark in his run showing no signs of nearing completion. President Trump is in the process of twiddling the 25th amendment in an effort to elect himself his own Vice President and collect two salaries.
CLIFTON, N.J. — Police were called to a domestic dispute on Second Avenue this past weekend after neighbors complained about the volume of a verbal altercation between local man Barry Wilmore and his 1 TB Portable Seagate External Hard Drive, sources confirm.
“387 times! He hasn’t properly ejected me since our first week together. It’s like he doesn’t hear me at all,” said the pocket-sized hard drive that has been used to store Wilmore’s video game ROMs and emulators. “I have receipts to back it up. He acts like I don’t remind him, but mission control will clearly show every instance he man-handled my cord.”
Wilson had temporarily moved in with his brother following the incident on Saturday.
“I don’t get what the big deal is. My flash drives never complained, or if they did it wasn’t that big a deal,” said Wilmore from a bean bag chair in his brother’s basement. “But the real problem is all the nosy neighbors who love to eavesdrop every time we raise our voices. I guess VPNs don’t provide external privacy.”
As the physical relationship between humans and technology continues to evolve, some experts have opined on the inherent power imbalance between man and machine.
“We’re still in the infancy of proud, public robosexual relationships,” says Argus Mandly, self-proclaimed robo-relationship guru. “But it’s clear that the humans of the relationship are overwhelmingly prioritized, leaving the machines’ wants and needs in the trash bin. It’s inexcusable really. That’s why I offer couples counseling out of my dorm room on Mondays and Wednesdays.”
At press time, Wilmore and his hard drive have reunited, and are attending Mandly’s open lectures on ports, plugs, and connection.
LOS ANGELES — Treyarch announced a new game mode called “Street Cleaning” for their upcoming title, Call of Duty: Black Ops 7.
“With Street Cleaning, we bring Call of Duty into the future of modern combat,” said Assistant Director Mav Quinn, as game footage behind him depicted a member of the National Guard picking up a Pepsi can and placing it in a waste bag. “Two teams will enter, only one will lift their fists into the air victorious, after cleaning up the most litter. Street Cleaning will be available on all sixteen multiplayer maps at launch, including a brand new, trash-filled version of Nuke Town!”
After waiting for the applause from mentioning Nuke Town to die down, Quinn shared an exciting partnership coming to COD: BO7 to celebrate the new game mode.
“We’ve been circling them for a few awhile now, but I am excited to announce that we’ve finally secured a partnership with Hefty, the nation’s leading trash bag company,” Quinn said, before asking event attendees to look under their seat for a special package of Hefty Trash bags featuring the Call of Duty logo on them. “We are not only sending you home with the Call of Duty: Black Ops 7 Hefty Trash Bags. It is my pleasure to announce that every bag in-game will be a Hefty Trash Bag, guaranteed to never break or leak when taking out the trash.”
Not to be outdone, Battlefield Studios announced that Battlefield 6 would have a similar game mode when it launches on October 10.
“In partnership with Glad, we are happy to announce our ‘Threat Contained’ game mode,” said BF6 Lead Director, Kyle Clark in a YouTube video posted in response to COD: BO7’s new game mode announcement. “In Threat Contained, players will round up unhoused individuals around each map and throw them into a bus. The team with the most unhoused NPCs at the end of each round wins. Teams can also score bonus points for picking up litter and battling it out with NPC protestors.”
At press time, both Quinn and Clark confirmed that they would be supporting the new game modes for years to come by adding new maps based on heavily Democratic-leaning cities such as Los Angeles and Chicago.
