SAN FRANCISCO — Based on his near-nocturnal sleep schedule this week, sleep monitoring app SleepTight has reportedly diagnosed gamer Derek Vaughn with almost certainly owning an incredible new video game.
“Our cutting-edge technology detected an alarming shift in Derek’s sleep schedule,” explained SleepTight’s lead developer, Dr. Amanda Perkins. “Instead of his usual 7-8 hours of sleep per night, he was averaging 2-3 hours, mostly between 6 AM and noon. Plus we could see he was on Steam.”
Vaughn’s roommate, pre-med student Tyler Davis, concurred with the app’s diagnosis.
“Derek’s been holed up in his room since he bought that new game,” Davis said. “I hadn’t seen in a couple weeks so I thought he moved out, but then I heard him shouting at his computer in the middle of the night. I’m just glad he’s not dead. His room kinda smelled like he was.”
When reached for comment, Vaughn seemed confused by the app’s findings.
“A week? No way, I just started playing a couple hours ago,” he said before checking his phone. “Oh my god I missed finals.”
Dr. Perkins said that Vaughn is not the only user on the app struggling with these unhealthy sleeping patterns.
“We call it ‘Gamer Sleep Disorder,’ or GSD. Cases spike every time a big game drops,” she said. “Symptoms include marathon gaming sessions, a general disregard for normal sleep patterns, and becoming highly sensitive about gaming news online. It can be very dangerous.”
According to Perkins, SleepTight is currently developing a “gamer mode” to help users manage their sleep while owning an addicting new game. The mode will include alerts reminding users to take breaks, stretch, and for a small charge automatically shut down their gaming PCs around 2am each morning.
At press time, Vaughn had reportedly fallen asleep at his keyboard as his phone buzzed repeatedly with notifications from SleepTight checking if he was still alive.
