NEW YORK — An internal memo from Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav urging his underlings to bring him more ritual sacrifices has been leaked to the press.
Company spokesperson Bridget Smith came out in defense of the memo in a statement.
“Look, at the end of the day Warner Bros. is not in the entertainment business, we’re in the stock price manipulation business,” Smith said. “And nothing tells our shareholders we care more about their investment in Warner Bros. than buybacks and the occasional ritualistic sacrifice of some of our more valuable properties. It’s simple economics.”
Several longtime Warner Bros. employees, speaking under anonymity, released their own statements in reaction to the leaked memo.
“I say, I say boy, it’s downright tragic what that carpetbagger has done to this one great institution,” Wrote one of them. “That Zaslav is about as sharp as a bowling ball.”
“Eh that Zaslav, what a maroon!” Wrote another. “Forget rabbit season, when’s CEO season?”
“Meep!” Was all one said, but written in a very angry font.
“David Zaslav should be rotting in a cell in Arkham alongside The Joker, not sitting in a corner office. Unfortunately for him vengeance has no jurisdiction.” The final anonymous statement read.
David Zaslav himself spoke on the matter, assuring both investors and fans of Warner Bros. properties everything was fine.
“There’s a lot of hay being made out of an internal document that was leaked to the press, but my mission as CEO has only ever been to provide maximum value to both our customers and our shareholders,” Zaslav said. “If fulfilling that duty involves bathing in the blood and viscera of some of our properties to bump the stock price it’s my duty as Chief Executive to do so.”
At press time, a barrel of “The Dip” was seen being wheeled into Zaslav’s office followed by a muffled cry of “Th-th-that’s all, folks!” and a blood curdling scream.
