MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin urged Tucker Carlson and his viewers to simply keep their eyes fixed on a dangling, shiny pocket watch while letting his words wash over them. Viewers and Carlson are getting very, very sleepy now, KGB-trained sources confirmed.
“Hone in on the sound of my voice,” Putin said through a translator in the highly publicized interview. “You are beginning to feel the calm and warm sound of my voice all around you. When you next open your eyes you will be in the 1800s inside the Russian state. You’ll notice you’re in Kyiv.”
Reports confirmed it felt likely that the meandering tale of Russian history Putin told post-hypnotism had some element of revisionism that supported Putin’s military campaigns, but ultimately the topic of Russian history was too bland for most to Google.
“Now when I say KGB you will do an extremely bizarre, loud laugh,” Putin said. “KGB!”
“Bahahah!” Carlson burst in signature form. “That makes so much sense – why is no one saying that?”
Counter intelligence and hypnotics expert Phil Hawkins said he wasn’t surprised the trick worked so well.
“Believe it or not, the weapons-grade spycraft which has allowed Mr. Putin’s rise to the top of a Mafia-like state can not always be effectively countered with the confused stare of a network TV star,” Hawkins said. “But I feel like Tucker gave it a pretty good shot. Guy’s right about Alien’s by the way.”
As of press time, almost as if it was muscle memory, Carlson was urging viewers to sign up for Putin’s truth-telling, real comedy podcast and Patreon despite what the woke media tells you about it.
