COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A heated argument broke out in a local half-finished basement after 22-year-old Jeff Wyman compared himself to the sai-wielding turtle Raphael, despite his obvious resemblance to Michelangelo, sources confirmed.
“You know, I’m a bit of a loner. I’m subtle and mysterious,” said Wyman, as he reclined on an old sofa and poured cheese curls into his mouth. “Plus, I’m super tough, even if I don’t look it. Like, you think Leo is the tough one, but Raph could totally beat him in a fight. He’s got that dog in him, you know? Just like me.”
Wyman’s annoyed friends reported that they had heard his arguments before, and had even prepared a list of rebuttals to all of his claims.
“First of all, he’s never been in a fight in his entire life, so I don’t know why he thinks he’s so tough,” said Tom Barnes, the self-proclaimed Donatello of the group. “He’s not brooding; in fact, he never shuts up. He’s always telling dumb jokes that no one laughs at. One time I saw him pick up a bunch of sausage links and pretend they were nunchucks. He tried to play it off like a joke, but he was really good with them. It’s just so obvious that he’s Mikey! I mean, his favorite color is orange! He tries to say that it’s red-orange, but he’s not fooling anyone.”
Brenda Diaz, Wyman’s partner of 3 years, said that she tries to stay out of debates regarding the heroes in a half shell.
“I didn’t really watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, and Jeff gets really worked up about it, so I just kind of nod along with him when he brings it up,” said Diaz, who happened to be wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “I challenge him on other stuff, though. The other day, we were watching Fellowship of the Ring and he tried to say he was Strider. I was like, ‘Okay, Pippin.’ Maybe he can be Strider when he learns how to use the stove without setting off the smoke detector.”
At press time, Wyman was seen ordering a pizza, emphatically specifying that it should not contain anchovies.
