#60 — Falco Lombardi
Falco is so clearly bitter about the fact that Mario is the most famous Italian video game character instead of him that is extremely annoying.
#59 — Villager
Villager and I aren’t friends, but we live in the same neighborhood, and he’s nice on the surface, but he is constantly stealing shit from everyone. Like, hey, what if I wanted to chop down that fucking apple tree? That’s just for you? Fuck off, bro.
#58 — Rosalina and Luma
So, Rosalina is like the queen of space? And Luma is her subject? I don’t know if she’s a good friend. The better question, maybe, is if she is a good ruler. But that’s not really the same as being on equal footing as friends, is it?
#57 — Meta Knight
Meta Knight is alright to hang out with, but he absolutely refuses to do anything other than go to the movie theater to watch whatever the newest Marvel movie is.
#56 — Princess Peach
“Oh, did I win?” I don’t have time for people like Peach in my life.
#55 — King K. Rool
King K. Rool is mostly harmless, but he did try to hit on (then) girlfriend the first time he met her and it was more embarrassing for him than anyone else, but it was still really weird.
#54 — Pit
Pit loves to yell out catchphrases. He’s really proud of the fact that he came up with a bunch of his own catchphrases and he yells them out. If you ask him to hang out, he will show up two hours late and then when he finally shows up, he will say, like, “that’s classic Pit! HIIIIYA!”
#53 — Young Link
Young Link is a child and I am an adult. We have nothing to talk about and we are not friends.
#52 — Dark Pit
What if Pit was just a teeeeeeny bit cooler?
#51 — Lucina
Lucina is the ultimate contrarian. Literally everything you say to her, she’s like “COUNTER!” and I’m like, fine. Whatever. I don’t think we can ever hold a real conversation.
#50 — Mr. Game & Watch
Mr. Game & Watch is from a different generation than me and, as a result, we have different values. I like to hear his stories about the old days (when they don’t get too offensive), but I’m not gonna rely on him to, I dunno, be able to send a text message.
#49 — Pokémon Trainer
Pokémon Trainer is absolutely fucking obsessed with being poly. And I know his partners say he’s a great guy and a loving partner, but like, stop trying to fucking convert me to being poly lmao.
#48 — Robin
Robin is extremely materialistic and I think will always kind of look down on me for growing up middle class. I don’t wanna say that Robin is a bad person or anything, but I don’t think they are really capable of understanding what life is like for anyone who isn’t very wealthy.
#47 — Captain Falcon
“Show me your moves!” Ha ha yeah, I get it dude. Captain Falcon loves to work out and drive cars and not show up for Friendsgiving because a girl he met on Tinder that night said she might wanna hook up.
#46 — Greninja
Greninja is alright, I guess, but he is horny on a level that I simply cannot be a part of. He has a porn collection that could be its own streaming service. He seems respectful enough, but he is just an extremely loud and proud pervert. Good for him or whatever.
#45 — Bowser Jr.
Bowser Jr. seems like he is entirely in his own world. I don’t think he’s a dick about it or anything, but he and his buddies just have their whole own thing going on that I am not a part of. I bet he’d like hold the door open for me or something — he’s not a monster.
#44 — Pac-Man
Pac-Man being so low on the list will probably piss people off because everyone is always going off about how he is the NICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. Yeah, sure. I’m always wary of those kinds of people. Let me just say, I’ve heard some shit. Not like #metoo shit, but I don’t think he’s that nice.
#43 — Marth
Marth recently learned English — which is extremely impressive — but because of that, I don’t really know much about him at all. He seems nice enough, I guess?
#42 — Palutena
When she’s being serious, Palutena can be really cool and reliable (she is always on time! she brings a bottle of wine!), but she is also really into pranks and I’m just not that kind of person. If you love pranks, I guess you and Palutena are gonna have a blast. Do not prank me.
#41 — Zero Suit Samus
There’s a certain laid back quality that Zero Suit Samus has that Samus simply cannot. I don’t think I’ll ever be great friends with any Samus, but I can see how tightly wound she is because of the stress of her insane space bounty hunter job, and you have to admit, once the suit is off, she is finally able to relax. Ya know, a little bit.
