HYRULE — Following a lengthy inspection process, a dungeon currently mid-construction was charged with a code violation this week over a lack of spiked surfaces and general shortage of clear and present danger.
“We have a certain set of standards that need to be upheld when it comes to dungeons and dungeon design,” said Mutoh, a local carpenter and building inspector. “There’s a quota in place for a reason — it’s gotta have enough sliding block puzzles, bottomless pits, and spinning platforms where you gotta shoot an arrow and hit a big glowing eye. If you’re gonna build a wall that could be destroyed by bombs, it’s gotta be clearly labeled as such by being a slightly different color. There’s rules for a reason, folks.”
Mutoh and his crew’s hard work hadn’t gone unnoticed, as his client Ganondorf appeared quite pleased.
“I don’t really have the time to dedicate to crafting each dungeon to be difficult enough to stop the hero incarnate,” explained Ganondorf. “So it helps to have an extra set of eyes on things, you know? Make sure there are enough lava pools, mini-boss rooms, or ice puzzles. Everyone hates ice puzzles, which I love about them, on account of being evil. But I really appreciate Mutoh’s hard work, it’s too bad he’ll have to perish when I become the king of this realm.”
Mutoh stated some of his concerns moving forward.
“Apparently they want to strip the whole process down and implement something called ‘’shrines,’” remarked Mutoh. “Said they want to ‘streamline’ things, make it more ‘digestible.’ Well it’s a far cry from our Water Temples or Bottom of the Wells, I can tell you that much. Whole thing just makes me sick.”
At press time, the hero Link had become encumbered with a lengthy trading sidequest that pulled him further and further away from his main adventure.
